Parental Advisory Rating: L, N, AC

Break out those V-Chips, everyone!

Credits:

Created, Produced, Directed and Written:

Fanatic and TNovan

It’s almost time to be leaving for the Christmas Eve midnight Mass. I pull on my jacket, and head into the bedroom, expecting to find Kelsey ready to go. She’s not. In any way, shape or form. The twins, however, are dressed in their warm jumpers. "What’s going on, chér?"

"Harper … I can’t … I … ah …" she breaks off, shaking her head.

I step forward and run my hands down her arms. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. I am just tired and don’t feel like going out. I’m sorry."

I lean forward and take her temperature by putting my lips to her forehead. It’s not quite accurate, but it is normally pleasant. Pulling back, I ask, "Do you need us to stay home with you?"

"No. You go. I’m going to go to bed. Mama will never forgive you if the twins miss their first Christmas Mass. I’ll be all right."

I study her face for a long moment, noting the worry lines and the slight down turn of her lips. "I don’t want you to just be all right, sweetheart. I want you to be good. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, Harper. You’ve done everything you can do. You’ve been wonderful. It’s up to me now. I’m just a little depressed. I need to rest." My girl tries to smile to reassure me, but it doesn’t work. Her eyes hold unshed tears, and her lips are quivering. "Go to Mass."

"I love you." I don’t know of anything else to say. "If it’s anything I’ve done …"

"It’s not you. It’s me." She gives me a brief hug, patting my back. "I love you too, you know that. I’m just tired. I need to rest. Now," she releases me, "take the babies and go. You’re going to be late."

I reluctantly step away. "Get good sleep, darlin’. We’ll be back in a couple of hours."

* * *

I arrive at the church and am glad to see Gerrard in the parking lot. I wave him down, and he follows me as I park the Lexus. I hop out of the car and give him a hug. "Merry Christmas, Gerrard."

"Same to you, little sister."

"Younger," I automatically correct. "Can you give me a hand with the twins?"

He peers in the window at Collin. "Sure. Always glad to hold my nephew. Where’s Kels? And Brian?"

I wander over to the passenger side door. "She was feeling bad. And Brian isn’t quite the religious type." We both reach into the car and remove a baby. I cuddle Brennan close to my chest, so she stays warm in the night breeze.

"I’m sorry to hear that about Kels," Gerrard remarks. He picks up Collin, and we begin walking toward the church.

"Did Katherine go through this too?"

"A little bit." He adjusts Collin’s hood on his fuzzy head. "With Katie, it was mostly her being quiet for a couple of days. Nothing too bad."

I open the door to the vestibule, and we step inside where the heat is more than welcome. "Do you think that I’ve made it worse somehow?"

"What? How?"

"She seemed so unhappy tonight. Should I have stayed home with her? Should I have talked to her about it? I don’t know. Maybe she’s sad because I’m not doing a good job with the kids …"

My brother’s warm hand settles on my shoulder. "Don’t get all worried, Harper Lee. Kels loves you."

"Is that enough? I mean, what if she isn’t happy with the choices we’ve made this year? What if she regrets getting married, having the twins, moving to New York?"

Gerrard regards me seriously, rubbing Collin’s back to keep him content. "I don’t think that’s the case at all. I’ve seen her with you and Brennan and Collin. She looks like a very happy woman."

"But what about everything she gave up for this? Because of us, because of the babies, she’s pulled back on her career. That was always the most important thing to her."

"Harper, all of life is a series of choices. In order to grab the brass ring, you have to take one hand off the reins. So maybe you don’t have as much control anymore of where you end up. But you still have that brass ring in your hand."

I snort. "I’m not real good at metaphors right now, Gerrard."

"I’m saying you and Kels have the brass ring. Don’t worry about where life takes you right now. Enjoy the ride."

* * *

After Harper leaves for church, I make a cup of tea and head to our room. I’m tired, but I’m too tired to sleep. I stand, sipping my tea and looking out the window into the clear night sky. I watch the stars glimmer like little diamonds. I wish I knew why I felt this way. I have everything I want. A wonderful partner, two beautiful children, I’m surrounded by family and friends. What is wrong with me? I have everything I want.

Then it hits me. I have everything ‘I’ want. Does Harper? God, I practically pushed her into this. We had just started getting to know each other when I decided I needed to have children. How have I changed her life? What could she have become without me?

"I can answer that for you, Kels."

I spin around to find Erik standing behind me. He looks relaxed, dressed in khakis and a royal blue turtleneck. For someone who’s dead, he has a way of maintaining his good looks. I lose my grip on the mug when he steps forward and extends his hand.

"I can show you, Kels. Take my hand. I can show you what she would have become had you not found each other." He gestures for me to do as he says. "Come on. Take my hand."

I don’t know why, but I do.

* * *

Inside the church, I am promptly relieved of Brennan. Her Tante Katherine takes her from my arms. "Ooo, look at this beautiful baby!" she coos at my daughter. "Merry Christmas, sweetie. You’re getting so big, you are!" She leans forward and rubs her nose against Brennan’s. "Let’s go sit down by your Grandmere. She’ll be so happy to see you."

I watch the two move toward the front of the church. We follow behind. My arms feel empty without one of the babies. I waited so long to see them. And then I was almost assured of never seeing them after the fireworks accident. I would have missed seeing Fuzzy’s hair, and Brennan’s magnificent eyes. I can’t imagine not having seen them in their mother’s arms.

Does Kels feel the same way?

I squeeze into one of the pews with my family. Before Mama can ask, I explain to her about Kels feeling sick. Mama is naturally disappointed; we are otherwise complete, save Rene who gave birth only a few days ago. I lean down and look at the other twins in the family, Thomas and Caitlin. Barely three, they are sleepy and slumped in their parents’ laps. A few of the older kids, however, are thrilled to be up so late past their bedtime. Danielle waves at me, her smile displaying the latest of her baby teeth to be lost.

The service begins, and I fight to focus on it. My mind keeps wandering back to home. To Kelsey. To how sad she is.

Would she be better off without me?

As the question crosses my mind, I notice a chill in the sanctuary. It’s always a little cool in the stone edifice, but this is unnatural. I look around and everything seems frozen in time.

Am I having a seizure?

"Don’t be alarmed," Shadow says, coming up beside my spot in the pew.

"Shadow?" What in the world is she doing here? The last time I saw her was our wedding in New Mexico.

The Navajo shaman smiles at me. "Harper, come with me."

I rise to my feet, but glance back at my family. "What’s going on?"

"Let’s do a spirit walk together."

I step out into the aisle, pulled along by something inside me that I can’t explain. We walk toward the massive doors leading to the outside. "Where are we going?"

As Shadow begins to push open the door, she spares me a glance over her shoulder. "To see where other choices would have led."

* * *

I enter The Rio and amble over to the bar. Bear looks up from his beer and gives me a nod. "How are you, Harper?"

I toss my leg over the stool and take a seat. I gesture for a beer and take a long drink when it arrives. Oh, yeah, that’s good. "Better now."

"Saw your piece." He jerks his head toward the television. "Are you completely insane?"

"The fucker’s gun had the safety on. He couldn’t hurt anyone." I turn around on the stool to look at tonight’s offerings. A blonde in the far booth smiles at me. I think I had her last week. I can’t remember. That’s not a point in her favor either. "The network eats that shit up. My executive producer nearly had an orgasm when he saw the footage."

Bear shakes his head. "You’re gonna end up dead one day, pal. And I won’t come to your funeral."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Live fast, die young and leave a good-looking corpse. That’s what they say, right?" That brunette looks good. I don’t think I’ve had her before.

"That’s what stupid people say, Harper. If it’s not you, you’ll take down someone else."

I chuck him on the arm. "Bear, you cops worry too much. Now, let’s see what’s on the menu for tonight."

"Don’t you mean ‘who’?"

We both laugh. He knows me well.

* * *

A couple of days later I wake up early, like I always do. Even without an alarm. I look around to see where I am. Don’t recognize this apartment.

I lift my head. Don’t recognize the girl either. What was her name? Jeri? Carrie? Lari? Something like that. Oh, well. I won’t be sticking around for breakfast and chatter.

I slide out of the bed and look around for my clothing. I gotta start remembering to put it in one pile and not just toss random pieces off. I finally find my jeans in the hallway. My shirt is in the bathroom. It’s a little damp, pissing me off. Now I gotta stop at a store on the way to work. I don’t want to be uncomfortable all day.

I go back into the bedroom for my boots, which somehow made it in here. I don’t even want to know how that happened. I catch a better glimpse of last night’s conquest.

Oh, my God.

How drunk was I?

Bow wow. Damn, I hope Bear or Gary didn’t see me leave with her. It’d take me years to repair my reputation.

Oh, that’s right. I wasn’t at The Rio last night. It was some high tech bar that had mirrors everywhere. God, I was trashed. I was leaning against the bar and looking around for someone to spend the night with. I saw, in the mirror, the most gorgeous set of legs I’d seen in quite awhile. Traveling up the lean body, I saw a perfect ass. Oh yeah, I had wanted to get my hands on it. I turned to find this lovely creature, and I saw her legs turn at just the same moment.

Then I recognized my boots.

That explains how I came home with Rover. I was so upset from checking myself out, I grabbed the first available woman and left.

I gotta get to work.

* * *

"Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry, you better not shout, I’m telling you why," I sing at the top of my lungs in order to be heard over my Harley’s engine.

"Santa Claus is coming to town!" Robie shouts back. He still rides his wimpy ass BMW bike. If it ain’t a Harley, why bother?

"You can’t sing for shit," I call out.

He flips me the bird. "Why do we get you presents and encourage you to come home for the holidays?"

"Because I’m so damn charming."

He snorts and shakes his head. "Oh, yeah, I forgot."

"Did you also forget how to ride?" I challenge. I hate going the speed limit with this much power between my legs. I pretty much feel that way all the damn time.

Robie guns his engine and streaks away from me.

Oh, yeah, the chase is on.

* * *

I slide to a stop and jump off my bike, not caring that I let it drop to the ground. I race over to where Robie is laying. He’s well off the road, thrown off his bike when the semi hit him. Robie went a little too fast around that turn, crossed the middle line, and paid for it.

Please, God, let him be all right.

I push the driver of the semi aside to get to my brother’s side. Jesus. There’s so much blood. Even with his helmet, his face is trashed. It looks like he skidded across the pavement on his left side.

I reach under his leather jacket and put my hand on his chest, bending down to see if I can feel him breathing.

He’s not.

"I think he’s dead," the truck driver says. "I didn’t see him. He was going too fast. He was on my side of the road. It wasn’t my fault. I swear it." He’s babbling, in shock.

I begin performing CPR, but stop when I feel Robie’s ribs collapse under my hands. His chest is caved in.

I feel bile rise in my throat, and I barely turn my head before I puke all over.

He’s dead. My brother is dead.

* * *

I’m sitting in the hospital waiting room. I could be anywhere. I wish I were dead. Robie’s gone.

Angrily, I wipe away the tears that are streaking down my cheeks. Life is fucking unfair. That was my brother! My brother, God! Do you hear me?! No wonder I don’t believe in you. And I never will.

I hug my knees to my chest. If I curl up in a ball, maybe the pain will be smaller. Otherwise, it’s going to grow and consume me.

Dammit, Robie! You never did take curves well. What the fuck were you doing? Trying to show off? And now Christian and Clark don’t have a Papa. Just great. Just fucking great.

"Harper?" Mama asks from the archway.

I look up. Grateful someone else from the family is here now. "Mama?" I stand up, ready to receive the hug I desperately need.

"What were you doing out there?" she asks, not moving.

I stay where I am standing. "Riding."

"Why was he going so fast?"

I shrug. "I don’t know, Mama."

She advances a step, raising her finger to me. "You don’t know. I don’t believe you, Harper Lee. You were racing him, weren’t you?"

"We were riding, Mama. That’s all." I start crying again. We always raced, it never was a problem before. God, I never thought this would happen.

"You killed him."

My head snaps back as surely as if she had slapped me. "Mama," I protest, barely able to speak. I loved him. He was my best friend. All my life.

"Don’t." She holds up her hand to me. "Don’t speak to me. You killed your brother."

* * *

I walk into Mama’s house. I haven’t been there since Robie’s accident, almost eight months ago. I’m only here for Clark’s first birthday celebration. I don’t know if I’ll even be let in.

I knock on the backdoor, and Rene opens it. "Harper," she whispers. I don’t know if that means she’s glad to see me or not. "I was hoping you would come." Next thing I know, Rene is in my arms, hugging me tightly.

We both begin crying.

Lucien comes up behind Rene. "Are you okay, Ren?" When she pulls away from me, he recognizes me. "Harper! This is a surprise."

I shrug. "I hope a good one."

"Come on in." He steps back and allows me to enter.

Both Rene and I wipe our eyes and I step inside, feeling a stranger in the family house. I find myself immediately looking for Robie. Damn. Even after all this time I can’t accept that he’s gone.

Gerrard comes over and embraces me, initiating a round of hugs from various members of the family. I notice two people are missing – Mama and Rachel. I ask the easy question first. "Where’s Rach?"

Luc blushes and glances down, studying his shoes.

Katherine comes to his rescue. "Harper, Luc and Rach divorced in June."

Oh. "I’m sorry, man." I really am. I liked Rachel. For more than the obvious reasons of having sampled the merchandise. She was sweet.

In answer to my unspoken question, Gerrard whispers, "Mama is in the kitchen."

I excuse myself and wander to the back of the house. Mama is at the counter, putting the icing on Clark’s cake. She doesn’t turn around when I enter the room. "Hi, Mama."

She glances over her shoulder at me. "Harper. We didn’t expect you." She turns around and wipes her hands on her apron. We stare at each other for a long moment before I decide to throw caution to the winds and hug her.

She pats my back for a few moments and we awkwardly pull apart. "I wanted to see the family." I plunge my hands into my pockets to keep them still. "I miss everyone."

"We all miss Robie."

Ouch. "There’s not a moment I don’t miss him. Not a moment …"

"Enough. Words cannot change the past, Harper. Robie is dead. My son will never see his children grow up, never be at another family event, never be a part of our lives."

"Mama, if I could do anything to turn back time, I would. I wish it had been me." I do.

"I don’t," she whispers. "As horrible as it is, I could never choose between any of you." She wipes her hands again, more to give them something to do than anything else. "I just can’t believe he’s gone. And I can’t get over how he died. You had no business being out on those death machines! Not when he had such young children at home! No business, Harper!"

"I know." I sold my bike immediately after the accident. I now drive an SUV. I will never ride a motorcycle again in my life. "I’d like to come home again, Mama."

She nods. "Soon."

* * *

I spend the night at Rene’s. Christian and Clark are happy to see me. As their godmother, I feel an even stronger obligation to them. That’s made staying away these last few months even harder. Rene lets me read them bedtime stories and tuck them in. I kiss each of them, trying not to cry. I’ve missed them so.

I join Rene in the living room, flopping down on the couch. "They’re wonderful." I reach out and touch her shoulder, giving it a light massage. "You’ve done a terrific job with them, Ren. They’re amazing."

She leans into my touch and smiles. "They’ve missed you, Harper. Christian especially. He always asks about you."

"I miss Robie."

Rene’s breath hitches, and she nods tightly. "I know, Harper. He loved you so much."

My eyes fill with tears. "I loved him, Ren. I never meant for him to be hurt. Never."

"Harper, don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think he knew that?" She turns on the couch and takes both of my hands in hers, squeezing them tightly. "You both loved to ride. It’s what you did together. It was a horrible accident."

I nod, my throat too tight to even get words past. Instead, I reach out for Rene and pull her against me. This releases the floodgates and we both begin weeping together again.

A half hour later, we are finally cried out. I pull back and look into her watery eyes. I reach out and wipe the tears from her cheek. My hand lingers there a moment too long, then two.

Before I realize what is happening, we are kissing. Deep, hungry kisses. We’re two people drowning in emotion, clinging to one another in desperation. But she feels so good. So right. As I push her back on the couch, she goes willingly. Perhaps I can make it up to her and the children somehow.

When she reaches for the buttons on my shirt, I stop thinking.

* * *

The next morning, I wake up alone in the bed. I take a deep breath, feeling alive for the first time in months. I can recreate a life for myself, by taking over my brother’s. I owe it to him, to his kids, to his wife.

His wife. I wonder where she is.

I get up and pull on a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. I wander through the house, surprised the boys aren’t up yet, and find her in the kitchen. She’s drinking a cup of coffee and staring out the window. I pour myself a mug and join her, kissing her temple. "Good morning."

She nods, sipping again.

"Sleep well?" I ask.

"We can’t do this, Harper." She steps away from me, putting more space between us. "I don’t … we can’t."

I feel my heart drop to my feet. "Ren, did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong?"

"No." She shakes her head. "It’s just … I love you so much. I really do. But, I can’t. Not right now. And not when it feels like a substitute for Robie."

I put my mug down on the table. She’s saying that to make me feel better; I know Rene better than that. "I’ll leave. I’m sorry, Ren. I never meant for this to happen. I swear it. I just wanted to wish Clark a happy birthday."

"I know." She spins around and before I can react, she throws her arms around me, squeezing me tight.

I return the embrace gently and then excuse myself.

I know I will never come here again.

* * *

I hurt all over. I wish he had killed me. Certainly death would have been preferable to leading what will be left of my life now. He took everything I had. Everything. I can’t even open my eyes. I wonder how mangled my face is. Between the beatings and the fact that he kept cutting me with that knife, I would imagine that it’s pretty far gone.

I can’t stop the groan of pain which escapes my lips. Someone takes my hand. "Kels," her soft voice whispers in my ear.

I whimper. CJ. Thank God, she’s here with me.

"Don’t try to talk, Angel. Your jaw is broken. Your mouth is wired shut. Just squeeze my hand."

I do so just as tightly as I can. Wondering if she understands my sense of panic, and my plea behind it.

"I’m not going anywhere, Angel. I’ll be right here. Keeping you safe and sound."

The tension leaves my body, and my breath breaks free in short raspy bursts. I wish I could cry, but the bandages over my eyes keep that from happening.

I feel her lips on my cheek, soft and tender. "I’ve got you, Angel. I love you. Rest now. I’ll be right here next to you."

I calm my breathing and allow the knowledge that I’m not entirely alone lull me back to sleep.

* * *

* * *

After many days of being unable to move much on my own, I’m finally allowed to sit up. The bandages are coming off my eyes today. I’m anxious to find out if I can see, but sick at what I might find in the mirror. I’ve managed to communicate with CJ, and she has, for the time being, covered or removed all the mirrors in the room. I can’t imagine looking into one right now.

"Okay, Kelsey," my doctor has a very soft voice, very soothing. But, then again, everyone has been talking to me as if they are walking on eggshells. "I’m going to take the gauze off. Open your eyes very slowly."

I do as he says, and the first thing I see is CJ. She is there, smiling at me, holding a small bouquet of Freesia. I knew I smelled them. She takes a seat on the bed next to me, carefully wiping away the tears that are now free to fall from my eyes.

I swallow hard and try to speak through my clenched teeth. "Hiya, Tough Stuff. Is it horrible?"

"Absolutely not, Angel. You always were, and always will be, the most beautiful thing in my life." She runs her thumb over my cheek.

I close my eyes and lean into her hand. She always had the warmest hands. "Thanks."

"I mean it. We’re gonna get you outta here in a few days. We’re going to get you home and start our life over. Together, the way it was meant to be. I was a fool to let you out of my life. I won’t make that mistake twice. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you by my side this time. We’re not often given a second chance to be with the one we love most in the world. I’m not letting you get away again, Kelsey Diane."

I take the time to look myself over. Right hand in a cast. Both legs so broken and bruised the doctors are concerned I may never walk properly again. And then there is the other issue; I know we’ll have to deal with it, but I just can’t. Not yet.

* * *

CJ brings in that chair, and I groan. "No!" I growl at her through the restriction of my wired jaw.

She simply lifts a brow and crosses her arms. "Yes. Come on, Kels. The doctors have said it’s time to get up and move."

"Hurts."

"I know it does, Angel, but it’s the only way you’re gonna get better. You’ve been out of the casts for three days. I’m not asking you to run a marathon. I’m asking you to walk from the bed to the chair so we can go out on the deck. You know you love mornings on the deck. And it’s warm and beautiful this morning." She extends her hands to me. "Come on, you know I’m not gonna let you fall."

I sigh, knowing she’s so damn stubborn, she’s not going to drop this. She’s not going to go away and leave me alone. Since she brought me back to our old beach house, she has been the most tender of caregivers. She’s gone so far as to allow me my own space by putting me in a guest room and telling me that she doesn’t expect me to move back into our bedroom until I’m ready.

Why did I walk away from her so many years ago? Not one of my better moves.

I nod and extend my hand to her. She pulls me up slowly and holds on good and tight. I take five, very painful steps to the wheelchair. Once I am settled, she wraps a warm blanket around my lap and legs. I run my hand through her hair. She’s let it grow out a little. I like it this way.

She looks up and gives me a sweet smile. "Ready, Angel?"

"Yeah." I don’t know why she stays with me like this. I’ve been mean and evil and horrible to her over the last few weeks. I’ve thrown things at her and cursed her and called her horrible names, but she never has left my side. Not for a single moment. I know she must be using all her available leave time from the department. And in this many weeks, I’ve never heard a complaint pass her lips, and she hasn’t so much as raised her voice to me.

She’s careful to set the brake on the wheelchair before opening the door from the living room onto the deck. "Too much," I tell her, shaking my head when I see the table set up on the back deck.

"Not for you, sweetheart. I fixed you a nice shake this morning."

"Joy." I’m not enjoying taking my meals through a straw. Can’t wait to be out of this rig. I want a hamburger, damn it.

"I know, baby, I know." She pushes the chair out on the deck and places me at the table. "Only a couple of more days. Then I’ll fix you whatever you want."

"CJ Burger?" I smile and raise my brows.

She takes a seat next to me and pours us both a shake. Damn, she has been doing that, hasn’t she? Drinking a lot of the same things I’ve been forced to endure these last few weeks. I never noticed until now.

"Yeah, I think I could manage to grill us up a couple of my famous hamburgers." She slips a very silly looking little straw into my shake. It’s got a teddy bear clinging to it. "Drink. It’s a strawberry-banana shake."

"No chocolate?"

"Hmm, maybe just a touch."

I watch the surf roll in and out. The waves alternately sweeping in gently and then crashing against the shore as they build up. What a wonderful metaphor for my raging emotions. I know what I need. I need a little human companionship. "CJ?"

"Yes, Angel?"

"Can I move into our room?"

The smile I am given tells me the answer before she ever takes my hand and speaks. "Of course you can. Are you sure you want to?"

I nod. "I’m not sleeping well. I think it’s ‘cause I’m alone. I always slept better with you. Maybe I won’t be so horrible to you if I get more sleep."

"Sweetheart, you’ve been through an awful ordeal. You haven’t been horrible to me. You’ve been reacting exactly the way I would expect you to. Anything less and I’d be worried."

I squeeze her hand. "You are so good to me, Tough Stuff. You’re stuck with me now, you know?"

"I wouldn’t have it any other way." She winks and takes a drink of her shake. "You know this isn’t bad, but a burger will be good."

"No kiddin’."

* * *

I look in the mirror at my face. No wonder KNBC dropped me like a hot rock when it was all over. My ‘million dollar’ looks have been reduced to nothing. The long red scar reaching down the left side of my face from my forehead, over my eye, and to my chin certainly did the job. Not to mention all the other smaller ones that have been left in the wake. The plastic surgeon said some of the damaged tissue could be repaired, but I’ll never look like I did before.

I run my hand through my hair. It’s finally starting to grow back out after having been cut and burnt from my head. I touch the raw, red spot behind my left ear and wonder if it’ll ever fully come back where they had to do the skin graft. Basically, I’m hideous. I dunno how CJ can stand to look at me.

I hear her in our room. She’s lifting weights and working out. I open my robe and examine my body which is now covered in small scars that are still an angry red. My legs are never going to look right again, and I’ll always walk with a limp because the right leg was so badly damaged. The fact that I’m even walking with the aid of a walker is amazing. I have to give my physical therapist and CJ all the credit for that. If it weren’t for their determination, I’d still be in the wheelchair.

At least now I can open and close my mouth. My jaw healed properly, surprisingly enough. For that I am grateful. I didn’t realize how good solid food could be. And CJ has been spoiling me rotten. I had forgotten what a wonderful cook she was.

I close my robe and, taking my walker, start my slow journey into our room. I watch her place the weight bar back into its place on the bench. She takes a deep breath and sits up. "How you feeling, Angel?"

"Well, I smell better."

"Glad to hear it," she teases. She towels her neck and arms. "Now I should probably take a shower so I don’t offend you tonight."

I watch her get up and move toward me. I reach out and stop her trek to the bathroom, pulling her down and giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you for loving me so much."

"Trust me, Angel, it’s easy." She winks. "I’ll be back in a flash."

"Okay."

While she’s gone, I slip into a nice comfy set of pajamas and climb into bed. Within a few minutes, CJ joins me, carefully getting in so as not to jostle me around too much. We’ve been sharing a bed for a month now, and she’s not made one move to make feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. She settles in and pulls a book from her table and opens it to the bookmark.

"Hey?" I roll over to face her.

"Hmm?" She turns her head slightly.

"We need to talk about it."

She closes the book and rolls over to face me. "Okay."

"I can’t."

"Okay."

"No matter how this baby was conceived, I can’t kill it."

CJ smiles and runs her fingers through my hair. "I know that. So we’ll build a nursery in the new house."

"New house? What new house?"

"You know that cabin you always wanted on that land we owned in Oregon?"

"Yeah." I wonder what she’s up to.

"I’m resigning, Kels. I’m turning in my gun and shield, and we’re going to go build that house, and we’re going to get a fresh start. You, me and the baby."

I can’t believe this. I feel the tears and the smile both coming and I can’t stop either. "You don’t need…"

"Oh, yes, I do. If we’re going to have a family, then I need to find something a little less…" she hesitates.

"Dramatic."

"We’ll go with it." She smiles. "I’ve found a position teaching at a community college. Wanna be with a plain, old, boring teacher, Angel?"

I move closer and settle into her arms. "You betcha, Tough Stuff."

* * *

Just another two weeks and it’s good-bye, Los Angeles; hello, Oregon. I’ll be halfway through the second trimester. It’s no wonder I was so mean to CJ in those first few weeks. I thought all the illness I was feeling was because of my injuries, but no. Boy, morning sickness with a jaw that’s wired shut was no damn fun.

I look around at the house and all the boxes that are sitting around waiting to be filled. I really should try to get some of the smaller stuff done while CJ is at work. She’s been busy trying to get all her cases squared away and then coming home to pack and take care of me. It’s time I started pulling my weight again. Which will be considerable very shortly I’m sure. I look down at my stomach. I’m not really showing yet, but the doctors assure us the baby is healthy. I have to believe that with CJ and me raising this baby, it will be a happy well adjusted child. Even if its father was … a madman.

The doorbell rings, and I slowly make my way to the door. Opening it, I find the Captain of CJ’s unit and a man I immediately recognize as a chaplain. No! No! Not now! No!

I back away as best I can. I know I look like I’m crazy, but I don’t want to hear what they’re going to say to me.

"No!" I shake my head at the Captain.

He steps forward and gives me a mournful expression. "I’m sorry, Kelsey."

"NO!"

* * *

Once again I find myself in a hospital. But I know I’ll never get out of here. I watch as the nurse injects the needle into my arm. Slowly, I reach out and touch the spot. Just enough to keep me calm. Keep me from thinking too clearly.

I look up and see her, my Mother, and the doctors talking quietly in the corner of the room.

"Don’t worry about anything, Mrs. Stanton. We’ll keep Kelsey quite happy here."

"Does she know she lost that child?"

"I’m sure she does. But she hasn’t said much since you brought her to us last month."

"So there won’t be any way for her to contest my suit for guardianship?"

"No. I’ll testify for you, and I have the medical evidence to back up your claims that the trauma of the last few months have driven her mad."

I look down at my feet. Am I mad? I don’t think I am. I rub the spot on my arm again. Where’s CJ? CJ? "CJ?"

My mother crosses the room and leans over me. "She’s dead. That vile woman is dead. You’re safe from her now. Everyone here will take care of you." She leans in closer as if to give me a kiss on the cheek. "For the rest of your life." She backs up. There was no kiss.

I watch them leave the room.

And I rub the spot on my arm again.

* * *

* * *

The priest incants the last of the Mass. My heart is racing double-time. I look down the pew and see my children. I am relieved more than words could ever convey. I hold out my hands and Gerrard hands over Collin. I nestle him against my left shoulder. "Brennan?" I murmur, indicating I want her too. Katherine passes her down to me.

I press kisses to their heads, breathing in their sweet baby scent. "I love you, Brennan Grace and Collin Lee. Forever and ever."

Gerrard puts his arms around my shoulders. "You okay, Harper?"

I nod, willing myself to not cry. "Yeah, fine. The Mass got to me."

He squeezes me. "Mama will be thrilled to hear that."

We both snort out a laugh, earning glares from Mama, but at least the priest is walking down the aisle when we do so. "I need to go home." I push myself to my feet, carefully balancing the twins in my arms. We never took them out of their jumpers since the church is so cold.

Good. The sooner we get home, the better.

"I’ll walk you out," Robie offers as I am practically sprinting. He puts his hand on my lower back, ensuring I don’t slip with my precious cargo. "Why aren’t you coming over to Mama and Papa’s for hot chocolate?"

"I need to get home to Kels." Truer words were never spoken.

He nods. "I hear you. Although, Rene practically shoved Christian, Clark and me out of the house tonight. I think she wanted a little peace and quiet with her daughter."

"Can you get the car doors? My key is in my left jacket pocket." I’d rather have him fish it out than release my hold on my kids just yet.

He presses the remote, and the doors unlock. "Let me help, Harper," he says gently, taking Collin. I guess he had to. Otherwise, I’d have to lay one of them down on the hood. Not a good thing.

He buckles Fuzzy in, and I lean in to double-check it, and, truth be told, give my little guy another kiss.

"Don’t trust me?"

I decide to surprise my brother with a little holiday good cheer. I lean up and kiss his cheek. "Always. Good night, Robie."

He steps back, completely thrown by my actions. "Good night, Harper." Rubbing his cheek, he walks back toward the church.

I get Brennan settled, taking a moment to play with her. She’s in that groggy stage where she’s incredibly sweet and silly looking. "Who loves you, Brennan? Huh?" I blow a raspberry on her cheek. She giggles and flails her arms. "Your Mommy and me, that’s who. And your brother. Although, he might deny it one day." Another raspberry and I close the door.

Only twenty minutes until I am holding Kels in my arms.

* * *

I step from the shower feeling much better. My heartbeat has finally returned to normal, and I’ve managed to stop crying. Now all I want is for Harper and the babies to get home.

I get changed quickly, and look into the mirror. Not much to this outfit is there, Tabloid? Slipping on my robe, since I don’t want to give Brian a heart attack or any thing he can tease me with later, I go out into my room to find him collecting the twins’ bassinets. I woke him earlier and asked him this favor for the night.

He gestures to a few items placed on my bedside table. "Thought you might like something to nibble on."

"I’m going to have six feet of something to nibble on very soon."

"Well," Brian chuckles. "I was thinking something you could actually digest."

"Just move the beds, buddy!" I tease him, giving him a hand to transfer them into his room.

Once they’re placed where he wants, he holds up two little pairs of earmuffs. "See, I’m prepared for everything. I’ve got ear plugs for me. These are supposedly good enough to block out the noise of a 747, but I still don’t know if they’ll be enough for tonight," he torments me even more, knowing he’s one of the few people who can get away with it.

"Let’s hope the walls are thicker than that."

"They’d have to be made of eight inch thick concrete…"

I hear the car pull in. "Be good!"

"Not my job! You be good." He wiggles his brows. "You married her, I didn’t."

"I, my dear boy, intend to be very good tonight. So good, as a matter of fact, old Harper won’t have the strength to face the light of day for two days."

* * *

I give my babies their hugs and kisses, make sure they’re okay and happy, and then give them to Brian.

Next I say hello to Harper by pinning her to the wall of the entryway and kissing her the way a woman dying of thirst drinks a nice, cool glass of water. I hear her moan and feel her give just a bit as she begins to slide down the wall. I push her coat from her shoulders, it hits the floor with a thud and I stop kissing her long enough to let her take a deep breath.

"Come with me."

"Another minute in that kiss and I would have come before you," she gasps, running her hand over her mouth.

"Buck up, Stud, you’re gonna need your strength tonight."

I hear her groan as we head upstairs for the bedroom, but it doesn’t sound like protest. Once we’re inside and the door is closed, I turn around. I take a deep breath as I untie my robe and let it drop to the floor. I watch as she takes in what I’m offering her. Her nostrils flare, her eyelids drop a bit and she growls at me, taking a step forward. This is the look of pure sexual desire. She has no intention of being denied, and I have no intention of denying her.

I gesture. "You have on too many clothes."

"I can fix that," she says, ripping her shirt open, sending buttons spraying around the room.

"I won’t be held responsible for that in the morning," I tease. I move to the bed and kneel in the center of it, running my hand playfully over the bedspread.

She kicks off her shoes and begins working the button on her trousers. "Yes, you will. It’s your fault." She quickly sheds what’s left of her clothing and joins me in the center of the bed.

"I’ll risk it," I tell her, leaning in to kiss her again. Our arms wrap around each other, and we sink down onto our bed, beginning what is going to become a long, slow night of making love.

Neither of us is in control of the other tonight. We are both content in the taking and the giving. Harper is certainly giving as good as she is getting, and my body is on fire. I listen to her quick breaths and know she is about to respond to me again, to my touch, my kisses, to the fact that I am loving her.

"Kels…" She grasps the bedspread with one hand, and runs the palm of her free hand down my spine in a massaging motion, even as her body pushes into mine. "My God!"

I am insistent in my loving of her tonight, making sure that she reaches her satisfaction as many times as she will allow me to give it to her. In return, I find my own. I’m feeling weak, and I know both our bodies are near total exhaustion. When we finally stop, it won’t take us long to sleep.

I kiss her neck, causing her to moan while her breath and heart rate slow. I slide my body over hers and look into her eyes. "I love you, Harper Lee. I intend to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the one you can always trust your dreams and fears to. I want to be the one you always think of, no matter what is happening in your life."

She finally draws a deep, calming breath. She wraps me up safe and tight in her warm, strong arms then kisses my lips gently. "That goes both ways, Kels, because you are my life. I love you."

* * *

I wake up slowly, feeling completely at peace. Kelsey is wrapped in my arms, her bare skin pressed against mine. It is Christmas and she is the greatest gift I have ever known. Because of her, I have a marriage, a family and an amazing life.

She is laying mostly on top of me, her head tucked under my chin, her breath grazing my chest. It feels good to rest. She attacked me last night. I had barely stepped in the door when the twins were taken from me, and I was led upstairs to our bedroom. The rest is a bit of a blur.

But what a nice blur.

I run my hands down her back, following the curve of her spine. My left hand massages her derrière. It’s so damn cute. Of course, I think all of her is pretty damn cute. My other hand comes back up and scratches the back of her neck. Can we just lay like this for forever? I nuzzle her hair and breathe in the scent of her, and of us.

I am pleased when she lifts her head and her eyes meet mine. Her hand comes up and brushes my hair back from my eyes. "Morning, Stud."

The smile that creases her lips is priceless. As I am sure mine is when she calls me by my favorite nickname. "Hi, Gorgeous. Merry Christmas."

"It certainly is." She stretches against me and manages to give me a rubdown in the process. Ooo, careful there, darling. "You think we should get up and go get our babies and enjoy it?"

I am surprised we haven’t had to get up with them already. I’ll be sure to give Brian that bonus we were planning on. "You don’t think maybe we should shower first?" I give an exaggerated sniff. Playfully, I let my hand wander over her bottom once more, lightly brushing my fingers along the crease. "I’ll help wash your back. Among other things."

"Among other things? Promise?"

"Oh, yeah, chér. I promise."

* * *

A little while later, we gather up Brennan and Collin. Brian is so glad to see us. He hands them off and announces he is going back to bed. I swear he’s snoring by the time we close his bedroom door.

The four of us head down toward the family room. Brennan is gurgling happily in my arms. "You know what day it is, don’t you, sweetie?" She reaches up and grabs at my lips.

Collin is slumped against his mother’s chest. My boy missed her last night, I’ll bet. His blue eyes are open and he seems to be fully aware of where he is and who is holding him.

Kels and Collin settle down on the couch, and I turn on the Christmas tree lights. Picking up the remote, I turn on the stereo, and Bing Crosby begins crooning Christmas carols. I hear slurping noises behind me, and I know that Collin is getting what he wanted all along. "He okay?"

"He’s fine, just hungry. I’m guessing he was being his normal stubborn self last night."

I wink at my girl. "I wonder where he gets that from."

Innocent, green eyes blink back at me. "Why, I wouldn’t have a clue."

I steal a kiss before wandering over to the tree and picking up a present. I hand it to Kels. It’s from me to Collin. "Can you give my boy a hand?"

"Absolutely." Kels begins unwrapping the present. She’s not one of those people who drive me insane opening up their presents – the type that save every bow and every bit of paper. But she’s not like me – a shredder. When she gets to the box, I hold the bottom so she can pull off the lid.

I smile, waiting for her reaction. It’s a little leather jacket. Brennan has a matching one, of course.

"Good Lord, Harper." Kels chuckles and shakes her head.

"It’ll be a little big at first, but they’ll grow into them." I next pick a present from under the tree for Brennan from Kels. I shred it open. I pull out an extremely frilly dress. I lay it on Brennan’s front.

She drools on it.

Kels rolls her eyes. I smirk and wipe our daughter’s chin, softly praising her critique. Next, I hand Kels a present to her from Collin. When she opens it, she begins laughing hard, jostling Collin. He pulls back from his breakfast and lets out a small cry of displeasure.

I begin laughing now. His present to her a mug that reads: Got Milk? It just seemed too perfect. I kiss Brennan’s chubby cheek. "Let’s give your gift to Mommy too." We reach under the tree and pull out her present. It’s a tiny box.

When Kels opens this package, she discovers a Tiffany blue box underneath. Lifting up the lid, she finds a silver locket.

"Harper, it’s beautiful. Put it on me?"

"Why are you thanking me? It’s from Brennan," I tease. I lay Brennan on the carpet and step around behind Kels. Releasing the clasp, I settle the chain around her neck, noting that the locket lands just between the swell of her breasts. I reach down and open the locket, showing her the pictures of Collin and Brennan inside.

"Our babies," Kels whispers before kissing me.

"You got that right, chér." I go over to the stockings hanging up over the fireplace and reach into Kels’. I bring a small, soft package and place it in her lap. "Look at what Santa brought you."

Kels pulls out what is possibly the tiniest thong bikini ever made. "Umm, you have something in mind for this piece of dental floss, Stud? I mean, there’s no real material here." She shakes her head and twirls the garment around on her index finger. "What’s the point? I may as well go to the beach nude."

"While that is traditional in the south of France, I’d prefer if you at least pretend to dress. I’d hate to have to kill someone while we’re there."

"And this thing is going to stop that? I don’t think so." My gal gives me a reproving look. "One good breeze and there will be nothing left to the imagination, sweetheart." She follows this up with a dramatic sigh. "But, hey, if you want me mostly naked on a public beach…"

I wonder how I can wipe that evil grin off her face. "Okay, darlin’, maybe you’ll only wear that in our hotel room. But I do have reservations for us in late Spring in Marseille. I thought you might enjoy a week in the sun and sand and surf with me, without the kids."

"Will you be ready to leave them by then?" Kels licks her lips and grins harder at me.

"You think you know me so well …"

Kels cuts off my protest. "Yes, I know you that well, Stud. Trust me, it’ll be easier to take them and Brian with us, so you won’t be on the phone every five minutes."

I feel a blush steal over my face. Damn. Is there anything this woman doesn’t know about me? "Fortunately for you, I had them hold another room, just in case."

<fade out>

© 2000 Exposure Productions. All rights reserved. The Content is protected in the U.S. and internationally by a variety of laws, including, but not limited to, copyright laws and treat provisions, and other proprietary rights laws.

You are hereby granted permission to receive a copy of the Content from the mailing list or web site in whole or in part, (and, except where otherwise specified or provided by Exposure Productions, print a single copy of the Content for your own personal use) but only for purposes of viewing and browsing through the Content. You are also hereby granted permission to store the files on your computer for your own personal use. All other use of Content from the mailing list or web site, including, but not limited to modification, publication, transmission, participation in the transfer or sale of, reproduction, creation of derivative works from, distribution, performance, display, incorporation into another web site, reproducing the Content (whether by linking, framing or any other method), or in any other way exploiting any of the Content, in whole or in part, for uses other than those expressly permitted may not be made without Exposure Productions’ prior express written consent.

Though this series is inspired by certain actual incidents, it is a work of fiction and references to real people and organizations are included only to lend a sense of authenticity. All of the characters, whether central or peripheral, are wholly the product of the authors’ imagination, as are their actions, motivations, thoughts and conversations, and neither the characters nor the situations which were invented for them are intended to depict real people or real events. In particular, the depictions of CBS and NBC are not meant to portray the corporations, or any individual within the corporations, but are only used to lend a sense of authenticity to this work of fiction.