The Incident

 

By: Joanna


Disclaimer: This sketch is not intended to poke fun at Ms Lawless in any way shape or form. Xena meets Lucy and they discuss The Incident.


INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

 

Lucy Lawless sits on the sofa, flipping channels. She's wearing a ratty bathrobe, bunny slippers and a scowl.

 

LUCY

Worthless tripe. Seems to me if a person's up at this ungodly hour they need entertainment, not infomercials.

 

She pauses on a program dedicated to a product no human could possibly use and picks up the phone.

 

LUCY (cont'd)

I think I need one of those...

 

Suddenly, the door opens and in walk XENA and GABRIELLE.

 

XENA

Hello, Lucy.

 

LUCY

Xena! What the bloody hell are you doing here? No one is ever supposed to see us together. It's part of our mystique!

 

GABRIELLE

Told you she'd be mad.

 

XENA

Yeah, like that scares me. Having an actress mad at me. Brrr.

 

Lucy turns away, and begins to flip channels again.

 

LUCY

I don't know why you're here, but you may as well leave me alone. I don't feel like talking to anyone.

 

GABRIELLE

Where's Rob?

 

LUCY

He's visiting his mum. Chances are she's trying to talk him out of dating an actress again.

 

XENA

I take it she saw 'the incident'?

 

LUCY

Did anyone miss it?

 

GABRIELLE

I sorta did. Don't have cable. But I've seen Xena's, so no biggie.

 

Xena is transfixed on the TV, watching another infomercial.

 

XENA

That's amazing. Guaranteed to get any spot out of leather or your dinars back!

 

GABRIELLE

The gods be praised, how do I bargain for this?

 

LUCY

You don't. You make a call and give them your credit card number and they send it to you. No bargaining, no trading, just simple commerce.

 

GABRIELLE

I bet they'd be willing to trade for a bardly tale if it was the right story.

 

XENA

(to Lucy)

You should hear her version of Odysseus' homecoming.

 

LUCY

Don't you mean Ulysses?

 

XENA

Never heard of him. Anyway, she tells it really good. Worth at least a couple containers of that leather stuff.

(to Gabrielle)

Use Lucy's plastic talking machine and start telling them the story, Gabrielle. I want that liquid miracle in a bottle.

 

GABRIELLE

Will do!

 

Lucy shuts off the TV and turns to Xena while Gabrielle picks up the portable phone.

 

LUCY

So why *are* you here?

 

XENA

You've been pretty quiet lately. You were on ET every night during your hiatus -- then you sing at a stick-waving ice festival and suddenly you disappear.

Just wondered why.

 

LUCY

Duh, Xena. My costume fell off.

 

XENA

So?

 

LUCY

So??? It was during the American National Anthem!

 

XENA

And this is important why?

 

LUCY

It just is, okay? I made a bloody fool out of myself. And I didn't even sing as good as I can. Now everyone is gonna hate me and my career is over. I knew it was too good to last.

 

XENA

I see. So you don't get to play me on TV anymore, is that it? You were fired?

 

LUCY

No, of course not.

 

XENA

Then what's the problem?

 

LUCY

Everyone is laughing at me. Saying nasty things about me. That I did it on purpose. Or that my breasts aren't big enough or that I have no taste in clothing or--

 

XENA

Did you choose that outfit?

 

LUCY

Well, no, but I went along with it, didn't I?

(wistfully)

Skin sells...

 

ANGLE ON

 

GABRIELLE as she talks on the phone animatedly.

 

GABRIELLE

(into phone)

...lashed to the mast, he could hear the Sirens singing! 'They're singing for me!' he exclaimed! Desperately he tried to...

 

BACK TO SCENE

 

XENA

So tell me. Are you ashamed of your body?

 

LUCY

No. I've worked hard to keep in shape. Don't eat all the really tasty things, have to keep my weight down. I jog, and the hours on the set are long. I have to look good, it's part of my job.

 

XENA

And thanks for that, by the way. If you don't look good, I don't look good. (off Lucy's look) Vidallis told me that one.

 

LUCY

Uh huh.

 

XENA

I guess I just don't understand what all the fuss is about. Did people not know you were female?

 

LUCY

Of course they did.

 

XENA

And they were aware you had breasts? With nipples and everything?

 

LUCY

(wryly)

That's the usual arrangement, yes.

 

ANGLE ON GABRIELLE

 

GABRIELLE

...pulled the bow, straining for all he was worth with the lovely Penelope, wide-eyed, watching the peasant who would be king...

 

BACK TO SCENE

 

XENA

And this anthem. It's a song of celebration?

 

LUCY

Yes. Of America. This is where the TV show comes from, actually. We film it in New Zealand, but it's an American show. With a huge American audience.

 

XENA

I see. So accidentally proving that you're female while singing about America is considered bad enough to bar you from the country.

 

LUCY

No, it's just that--

 

XENA

Did you also scratch your crotch and spit?

 

LUCY

Of course not! Roseanne did that and you should have heard the fuss!

 

XENA

And she obviously had her career taken away for it.

 

LUCY

Well, no, actually her series ran for a long time after that.

 

ANGLE ON GABRIELLE

 

GABRIELLE

...sure, I'll hold.

(beat)

...Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your lii-ii-ife... Billy don't be a hero come back and make me your wii-ii-ife...

 

BACK TO SCENE

 

XENA

Lucy, why don't you just laugh about it?

 

LUCY

I'd like to, believe me. I don't care that people saw my breast. What's the big deal? But they care. So I have to treat it seriously or they'll think I really did do it on purpose. Or that I'm dishonoring their country or something.

 

XENA

And obviously, now that they've seen your breast, no one will watch the show.

 

LUCY

Actually, a lot more will probably tune in.

 

XENA

That's bad, right?

 

LUCY

No, that's good.

 

XENA

So the bad part is that people who maybe didn't know about you, or the show, will suddenly know who you are, right?

 

LUCY

Well... that would be good, too...

 

ANGLE ON GABRIELLE

 

GABRIELLE

...so I went to the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to get out of the rain. Singing nah nah nah nah nah -- oh hello! So what did your manager say? Uh huh, I see. Well, then you'll simply have to refund my story. ...I thought so... it's a deal. Thanks!

 Gabrielle hangs up the phone and runs to Xena.

 

GABRIELLE (cont'd)

I did it! I got us four bottles coming on some horse named Federal Express. They'll get here day after tomorrow.

 

XENA

(smiling proudly)

Thank you, Gabrielle. I had faith in you. Always do.

 

LUCY

So that subtext stuff that Renee and I stick in whether the scripts have it or not -- that's real?

 

XENA

Bet your last dinar it is.

 

GABRIELLE

You should see what we do between scenes.

 

LUCY

I've read the fanfic. I can figure it out.

 

XENA

Those fanfic writers never get it right. Don't they realize how acrobatic I am? And I have so much more stamina.

 

GABRIELLE

If they wrote it like it really is, nobody would believe them. By the gods, I barely believe you myself sometimes, Xena!

 

LUCY

Well, as fascinating as all this is, I suppose I should get some sleep.

 

XENA

Hang on. Gabrielle, why don't you get the polish and paint her toenails while I give her a rubdown. I think Lucy needs some pampering.

 

GABRIELLE

Good idea.

 

Smiling, Lucy flicks on the TV. The American flag waves across the screen to the tune of the Star Spangled Banner.

 

LUCY

...what so proudly we hailed... at the twilight's last gleaming...

 

GABRIELLE

Gods, but I love your voice.

 

XENA

Me too.

 

LUCY

Here, let me get into the mood.

 

With a big smile and a saucy wink, she lowers her robe, baring her left breast and continues to sing as we:

 

FADE OUT.

 

THE END


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