by L.Fox
lfox@scottsburg.com
The characters Xena and Gabrielle are the property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. The knuckleheads from "Rocko's Modern Life" are the property of Joe Murray Productions and no copyright infringement is intended.
Gabrielle: So, Xena, have you found anything in our price range yet?
Xena: Well, I've looked all through this damn thing and the way I see it we have two choices.
Gabrielle: Oh?
Xena: Yup. The first one is a three bedroom, two bath, split level number in Tyre and the other...(Holds up paper.) ...is a four room house in a place I've never heard of.
Gabrielle (Takes a slug from her Dr. Pepper and takes the paper from Xena.): That sounds good. If you haven't heard of it maybe there's a good chance the press hasn't either. If ya want my opinion, we should take this one.
Xena: You mean the little one.
Gabrielle: Yeah.
Xena (Glugs down her Dr. Pepper in one shot and her eyes start to water.): Gee, Gabs, I...(Burrrrp!)...think you're right. (She picks up carrier pigeon.) Okay, we'll take the small one.
Gabrielle: Goody!
Xena (Begins to write out note for carrier pigeon.): Uh, Gabby, what's the name of that town again?
Gabrielle (Checks paper.): Uhhh... O-Town. (Ohhh nooo!!)
(Scene II: Rocko, his dog Spunky, and Filburt are sitting on the sofa watching The Shopping Channel on TV. Actually only Rocko and Filburt are watching the tube. Spunky is busy licking his ah...well you know.)
Rocko: Spunky! How many times do I have to tell you not to slobber on the sofa?
Spunky: Rowr!
Filburt (Looks at drool on sofa.): I'm nauseous, I'm nauseous.
Rocko: Now look what ya did, Spunky. You made Filbut sick again.
(Spunky licks drool up causing Filburt to bolt for the bathroom. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Rocko opens the door and sees his friend Heffer the cow...
Heffer: Steer.
Whatever...standing there.)
Rocko: Hiya, Heffa, come on in.
Heffer (Excitedly.): Rocko! Have you seen your new neighbors yet?
Rocko: New neighbors? You mean the Bigheads have moved? Bonzer! This is great. Ya mean I'm finally rid of that grumpy Ed Bighead? 'Course I will miss Mrs. Bighead but...
Heffer: Uhhh, Rock, I don't mean those neighbors.
Rocko: Blazes! You don't mean...
Heffer (Nods sadly.): Gee, I'm sorry, Rock. But somebody new has moved into Melba's house.
Rocko (Holding stomach.): But...she was my girl friend. What happened? Where'd she go? Blimey, I don't feel so good.
Heffer: I don't know Rocko. But it could be that Melba didn't look at it the same way you do. I mean, it's not like you ever dated her, or asked her out, or even talked to her or anything.
Rocko: I was gonna get around to it. A guy can't rush into these things you know. Oh boy. What am I gonna do now? My Melba Toast has deserted me.
(Sound of toilet flushing and Filburt reenters.)
Heffer: Hiya, Filburt. Sick again?
Filburt (Dejectedly.): No. False alarm. So what's this about Rocko gettin' a new neighbor?
Heffer (Pulls out a bag of Pasture Puffies and begins chomping away.): Yeah...(Munch)...you oughtta see 'em. They're...(Crunch)...real freaks.
Filburt: Uhh boy. There goes the neighborhood.
Rocko (Nervously.): What kind of...(Gulp)...freaks?
Heffer: The worst...(Munch)...kind. They're a couple of...(He narrows his eyelids to mere slits, holds up his fingers and wiggles them)....huuuumans!
Rocko and Filburt (Eyes bulging in horror.): YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Spunky runs and hides under the sofa. Filburt starts shaking uncontrollably and his glasses fall off. He bends over to pick them up but stumbles over Heffer's foot...)
Heffer: Hoof.
Whatever. He stumbles over Heffer's hoof and lands on his back.)
Filburt: Oh boy. No, I'm okay. I'm...oh boy.
(Filburt, you see, is a turtle.)
Heffer: So whaddaya gonna do, Rock?
Rocko (Pounds his fist into his palm.): I'm gonna do what any red-blooded wallaby would do.
Heffer: And that is?
Rocko: Go over there and tell them they're not wanted here.
Heffer: Hoo boy. This I gotta see.
Rocko: C'mon, Spunky.
Spunky: Rowr!
(Rocko, Heffer, and Spunky exit leaving poor Filburt still flat on his back.)
Filburt: Hey you guys! Wait for me! Wait!
(Scene III: The Gabster is watching a game show on TV and Xena is in the kitchen slicing and dicing vegetables with her sword. After drinking four bottles of Dr. Pepper Gabrielle begins to feel the urge coming upon her. As she starts for the bathroom there is a knock at the door.)
Gabrielle: Damn. Isn't that always the way?
(She opens the door and finds Rocko, Heffer, and Spunky on the steps. She looks up and there is Filburt running, no make that lumbering, up the sidewalk.)
Gabrielle: Can I help you?
Rocko (Touches his finger tips together like he always does when he's nervous.): Hello. Uh, heh, heh. Yeah. My friends and I have something to say to you.
Heffer: That's right. You tell her, Rock.
Gabrielle: Xena, there's a turtle, a cow...
Heffer: Steer.
Gabrielle:...Whatever...a dog, and a weasel out here.
Heffer (Finishes off bag of Pasture Puffies): Have ya got anything to eat? I'm starving!
Rocko: I'm not a weasel, mate. I'm a wallaby. I come from Australia.
Gabrielle: A wallaby?
Rocko: Yeah. It's like a kangaroo, only...smaller.
Gabrielle: Xeeeennna!
Xena: All right. Keep your BGSB on. (She steps to the door, sword in hand, and gives the boys "The Look."): Yeees?
Rocko, Heffer and Filburt: Gulp!
(Spunky hides behind Rocko.)
Rocko: My name is Rocko. And this is Heffa and this is Filbut.
Xena: What do you boys want?
Gabrielle: They said they had something to say to us.
Xena (Raises eyebrow.): Oh?
Heffer: G-g-go on, Rock. T-tell 'em.
Rocko: Heh heh. Uh yes. Something to say. Oh yeah. Now I remembah. Welcome to O-Town.
Heffer: Chicken.
Gabrielle: I thought you said you were a wallaby.
Heffer (Mumbling.): Dweeb is more like it.
Xena: You boys wanna come in?
The guys: Sure.
Gabrielle: You guys like Dr. Pepper?
Heffer: Like him. I don't even know him.
Gabrielle (Eyes rolling.): It's a soft drink, Hefty...
Heffer: Heffer.
Gabrielle: Whatever. (Goes to kitchen.)
Rocko (Nervously pulling at the collar of his trademark blue Hawaiian-style shirt with the red triangles.): Uh, you know, Xena, we don't get too many ahh, humans around here.
Xena: So I've noticed.
Heffer: Yeah, the last one was that stupid Joe Murray guy he--
Filburt (Quickly claps hand over Heffer's mouth, snout, whatever.): Ixnay on the Urraymay, Heff. He's our boss remember? What's the matter with you? You wanna go back to that farm in South Dakota? You could easily be replaced by another cow ya know.
Xena, Rocko and Heffer: Steer.
Filburt (Eyelids narrowing and black cloud of anger forming over his head.): Whatever.
(Gabrielle returns with the Dr. Peppers and everybody takes a slug.)
Heffer (Looks at label.): Ummm, not bad. Uh, what does this 10,2,4 mean anyway?
Gabrielle: It's when you're supposed to drink it.
Filburt: Or when Heffer is supposed to take a break from eating. Ha-ha. Ha-Ha.
(No one else laughs and the black cloud returns.)
Filburt: Aww fish sticks.
Gabrielle (Bends down to pet Spunky.): What a cute little dog. You know, I don't think I've ever seen a dog with yellow...and crossed eyes before.
Rocko: He's not really crossed-eyed, mate. He's just drawn that way.
Xena (Bending down.): Here Spunky. C'mere boy.
Spunky: Rowr!
(Spunky starts for Xena but crashes into the Gabster's leg.)
Gabrielle: Owww! $%@*&!!
Rocko: Uh, heh, heh. I forgot to tell you Spunky had a TV set dropped on his head when he was a puppy so he's not too...smart.
Xena (Stands up and folds her arms.): You mean, as opposed to you guys.
Heffer: Hey! If I wasn't so hungry I'd be pissed.
Xena: No offense, boys.
Gabrielle: Xena? Can we order a pizza? You guys like pizza?
Heffer (Drooling.): PIZZA!!
(Spunky laps up drool.)
Filburt: Ohhhhh. I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous.
Rocko: Pizza's good.
(Gabrielle dials phone.): Hello, O-Town Pizza? I'd like to order two, no make that three large, deep dish pizzas with...hey what do you guys want on your pizza?
Heffer: Another pizza!
Rocko: I like anchovies.
Filburt: Anchovies? You know anchovies give me a rash.
Rocko: Blazes, Filbut. Breathing gives you a rash.
Gabrielle (Holding hand over the phone.): Why is it people from down under have so much trouble with the "r" sound?
Xena: Don't look at me.
Rocko: I don't know what you're talking about.
Filbut, I mean, Filburt: Aww come on, Rock, you do too. Remember that Suck-O-Matic (Now there's a provocative brand name for you.) you bought last year?
Rocko: What's my vacuum cleanah got to do with all this?
Filburt (Pokes Rocko in the chest.): I rest my case.
Gabrielle: That's right. Three pizzas with everything.
(She hangs up the phone and there's a loud screech outside.)
Heffer: Pizza's here!
(Xena and Gabby look at each other in amazement.)
Xena: But how...how did they...?
Rocko: Blimey, mate. This is a cartoon remembah? Anything's possible in a cartoon.
Filburt: Yeah things can fly, the dead can come back to life, one guy can beat up twenty others...
Gabrielle: Hmmm. Come to think of it, that kinda reminds me of our show.
Xena: Gabrieeelle.
Gabrielle: Well it does.
(Xena opens the door and sees this huge elephant squeeze out of the tiny delivery car.)
Heffer (Gasps.): Oh no! It's...Wallace!
(Wallace is taller than Xena's house. He comes up the sidewalk with the three pizza boxes balanced on his nose, uuh trunk. With each step he takes the ground trembles.)
(Rocko, Heffer, Filburt and Spunky all hide behind Xena.)
Xena: What's the matter with you guys? Why are you afraid of him?
Filburt: Rocko dated his sister once.
Xena: Nuff said.
Rocko: Hey! She was a wallaby. How was I supposed to know a wallaby and an elephant could be siblings?
Xena: You said it yourself, Beaver Boy. Anything's possible in a cartoon.
Wallace: Dat'll be $62.50 plus coupons.
Gabrielle: $62.50? Don't you think that's a little steep?
Wallace: I don't set da prices. I just delivers pizzas.
Gabrielle (Mumbling.): Furking ripoff. See if we order from you again. There are other pizza places you know.
(Wallace growls.)
Gabrielle: Here's sixty-five bucks. Keep the change, Jesse James.
Wallace: Nuh uh. You ain't gettin' no pizzas widdout no coupons, Shorty.
Xena: That's it! You want coupons, Fat Boy, I'll give you coupons!
(She flings her chakram at Wallace, knocking the pizza boxes off his trunk into Gabby's waiting arms. She does a back flip completely over Wallace and lands behind him.)
Wallace: Hey! What the...
Xena: Hahahahahaha! One coupon coming up! AIEEEEEEYA!! (She kicks Wallace in the ankle...do elephants have ankles?...Oh well...she kicks Wallace in the ankle with all her might and he starts to teeter.)
Xena: Or totter, whichever you prefer.
Filburt: Uhh boy.
(Wallace loses his equilibrium and begins to fall.)
Xena: Timmm--
(CRRAAAASH!!)
Xena: -berrrrr!
Wallace (Gets up and begins to whine.): Just wait till I tell my big brother on you, ya big bully. He'll show you. Boy will you be sorry.
Xena (Yawning.): Yeah, yeah sure. He'll show me.
Gabrielle: Come on, guys, let's eat.
Heffer: PIZZA!!
Rocko and Filburt: Rayyyy!
Spunky: Rowr!
(Author's note.): If Spunky's vocabulary seems rather limited to the reader it must be noted here that as of this writing he as filed a grievance with local 889 of the Cartoon Characters of America. His complaint is that if wallabies, turtles, and even cattle...
Heffer: Steers.
Author: Whatever...can have speaking parts then surely something as mainstream as a dog can too--even if his light bulb is kinda dim.
Spunky: This litigation is necessary to show that we peripheral characters have rights too. I intend to see those rights are enforced to the fullest extent of the law.
Gabrielle: Right on, brother!
Xena: Quiet, Gabrielle. You're not a peripheral character.
Gabrielle: Oh no? You haven't been reading much fan mail lately, have you?
Rocko: Did Spunky just speak?
Spunky: Ahem, uh...rowr! The things I do for my fans, he thinks.
(Rocko looks at Spunky quizzically but Spunky merely begins to drool on Xena's carpet.)
(Scene IV or IIII: A half hour later all the pizza is gone and the gang is sitting around watching the O-Town news on TV.)
TV Commentator: And this just in: Some stuff happened today and we expect the ramifications of it will be that some more stuff will happen tomorrow.
Heffer: Gosh, those news guys sure know a lot.
Xena: So, Rocko, what do you do for a living?
Rocko: I work in the Kind-of-a-Lot-of-Comics store downtown. What do you do?
Gabrielle: She kicks ass for a living.
Xena: Do you have my comic book?
Filburt: I remember that one.
Xena: Did you like it?
Filburt: It was okay.
Heffer: It took him two days to read it.
Xena: But why? You look like an intelligent guy, I mean turtle. Do you have reading problems?
Heffer: Nah, he reads good. It's all that hand washing he does that slows him down.
Gabrielle: Hand washing?
Filburt: Yeah. (Shivers.) I can't stand comic book ink on my hands so I turn a page and wash my hands, turn a page and wash my hands, turn a page...
Xena: Okay, Filburt, we get the picture. So uh, what kinds of jobs do you and Heffer have?
(Heffer and Filburt look at each other and burst out laughing.)
Xena: I take it you don't have jobs.
Heffer: Filburt sponges off his wife, Dr. Hutchison.
Filburt (Black cloud returns.): Oh yeah? Well at least I don't still live at home with mommy and daddy.
Heffer (Indignantly.): Hey! I stay at home because Mom wants me to.
Rocko (Eyes rolling.): Oh no, not this again.
Filburt: Face it, Heff, you're a momma's boy.
Heffer: Am not!
Filburt: Are too!
Heffer: Am not!
Filburt: Are too!
Heffer: Well at least my wife doesn't have a hook for a hand! And you take that back about me bein' a momma's boy. I'll have you know Virginia Wolf is the best mom a steer could ever have.
Gabrielle: Wolf? You mean your mother is a...wolf?
Xena: And I thought cross species copulation was something unique to our show.
Heffer: She's not my real mom, Xena. The Wolf family found me when I was a little steer...
All: Calf.
Heffer: Whatever...and they adopted me.
Rocko: What the nut is going on?
Gabrielle: What was that?
Xena: Whatever it was it came from outside.
(Xena opens the door and looks up the street.)
Xena: Rocko?
Rocko: Yeah?
Xena: Do you own a little red car?
Rocko: Why yes, I do.
Xena: There's a rather large dog with huge jaws and gigantic fangs eating it.
(The whole gang rushes to the door and looks out.)
Rocko: Oh noo! It's Earl! He's escaped from the lab again.
Author's note: To aid the reader's comprehension at this point it should be stated that for some never explained reason Earl, the lab experiment animal, HATE'S ROCKO'S GUTS!
Rocko: And he'd like nothing betta than to expose said guts to the open air, mate.
Gabrielle: This looks like a job for...
Heffer: Superman?
Gabrielle: No, you ninny. The Warrior Princess©.
Xena (Sneers and draws her sword.): Stand back, boys. I'll handle this.
Gabrielle (Smugly.): Watch this.
(Xena walks over into Rocko's yard just as Earl is finishing off the hood of Rocko's car.)
Xena: All right, handsome, play time is over.
(Earl shoots her a sideways glance but continues chewing.)
Xena: Wassamatta? Didja not hear me?
(Earl gulps down the hood and turns to face Xena.)
Earl: Grrrrrr.
Xena (Holds up limp hand.): Oooooh. I'm sooo scared.
(By now the rest of the gang has timidly left the house and joined Xena. Well sorta. Actually they have gone no farther than the edge of Rocko's yard.)
Xena: You're scaring my little friends, Earl, and I don't like it when anti-social experimental animals scare my friends. Now why don't you just run along back to the lab like a good little mutant, okay?
Earl: GRRRRRR!!
Xena (Sighs.): Okay, you had your chance. (Xena slashes at Earl with her sword only to see him catch it in his huge jaws. He holds it there for a moment, then with a malicious grin, bites it off at the hilt and eats it.)
Xena: Okaaaay. So now we go to plan B. (She grabs her chakram and hurls it at her foe. Earl catches in his mouth and chews it up. He then spits out the chakram into those little keychain-sized chakrams you see in the Creation catalog.)
Xena: You hadn't oughtta have done that, Earl. I'm financially responsible for those props ya know.
Earl: Heh heh heh.
Gabrielle (Yelling.): So, Xena, have ya got a Plan C?
Xena: Have I got a Plan C? Have I got a Plan C? You know me, Gabs, I always have a Plan C.
Gabrielle: So what is it?
Xena: Well it's ahh...it's ahh...RUN LIKE TARTARUS!!
Earl: ROOAARRRR!!
Rocko, Gabby, Heffer and Filburt: Yaaaahhh!!
(Spunky's eye balls bulge so far out he trips over them. Gabby scoops him up and they bolt for Xena's house. Thankfully, they all make it. No wait! Where's Filburt? Alas, poor Filburt didn't make it to the house. He is, after all, a turtle. The gang watches in horror from the safety of the house as Earl again and again tries to crush Filburt's shell between his cavernous jaws.)
Rocko (Sobbing.): Poor Filbut. He was a good mate.
(Spunky is whining and Gabrielle and Heffer are holding onto each other and crying their eyes out. Now Earl begins to heave Filburt's shell high into the air and allowing it to crash onto the concrete sidewalk.)
Filburt (Inside shell.): I'm nauseous. I'm nauseous.
Gabrielle: Xena, we've got to do something.
Xena: Only one thing left to do, Gabby.
Gabrielle (Gasps.): Oh, Xena, you don't mean...?
Xena (Grimly.): That's right, Gabs. We use our secret weapon on the bastard. Go get the Dr. Pepper.
(Gabby rushes to the fridge and returns holding three bottles of Dr. Pepper.)
Gabrielle: It's all we have left, Xena.
Xena: It will have to do. (She takes the bottles and opens the door.) Stand back, guys.
Gabrielle: Oh, Xena, you're so brave. (She and Xena enjoy a long, lingering kiss while a wide-eyed Rocko and Heffer look on.)
Heffer: Hmmm. Now there's something you don't see every day.
(Xena steps out onto the sidewalk and begins shaking one of the bottles.)
Xena: Hey, Fart Breath! I got something for ya!
(She hurls the bottle at Earl and it explodes at his feet, knocking him back twenty feet.)
Rocko: Bonzer! That was amazing!
Gabrielle: Woo hoo! Attaway, Xena. You go girl!
(Xena shakes up another and flings it at Earl. This time, however, she overshoots him and the bottle lands in the middle of the street, creating a huge pot hole that two cars, a beer truck, and an unidentified cartoon creature on a moped fall into.)
Xena: Oopsie. Sorry 'bout that.
Gabrielle: Oh, m'gosh. Xena, look out. He's charging!
(Like the true warrior she is, Xena courageously stands her ground facing the onrushing beast.)
Rocko: Blimey! I can't look.
Xena: Come and get me, fat ass.
(With the music that always harkens back to her evil days playing in the background, Xena pulls the bottle cap off the last bottle of Dr. Pepper with her teeth. She then turns the bottle up and kills its contents in one huge swig.)
Gabrielle (Excitedly.) I know what she's gonna do!
(Xena waits until the charging Earl is no more than an arm's length away before letting forth a thunderous BUUURRRRRRRP!!. Earl stops dead in his tracks and the pupils of his eyes shrink to the size of pin heads. He emits one pitiful whimper and keels over.)
Gabby, Rocko and Heffer: Yaaaayy!
Spunky: Rowr!
(The gang bursts out of the house and surrounds Xena.)
Rocko: Blimey, Xena, you were wonderful. How can I evah thank you?
Xena (Winks.): Hey, we southern hemisphere folks have to stick together.
(Rocko and Heffer rush to Filburt as Gabby slips her arm around Xena.)
Gabrielle: Xena, ya did it again.
Xena (Sighs.): From dawn's first light till setting sun, a warrior's work is never done.
Gabrielle: But Rocko, your poor car!
Rocko: No worries, mate. This happens all the time. It'll be fixed by the next episode.
Rocko: Filbut! Speak to me. Are you all right?
(Filburt sticks his head out of his shell and flashes that stoo-pid grin of his.)
Filburt: Hiya, guys.
Gabrielle: Whew! I'm glad you're all right, Filburt. But tell me, how come Earl wasn't able to damage your shell. I mean, if he can eat a car...
Filburt: I reinforced this baby with some of that space age polymer stuff.
Gabrielle: You don't mean...
Filburt: That's right, Turtle Wax!
Xena: Gabs, why don't you call the lab and have them come and pick up laughing boy here?
Gabrielle: Right.
(Rocko and Heffer help Filburt to his feet and dust him off.)
Rocko: There you are, mate. Good as new.
Fillburrrt!
(All turn to see Dr. Hutchison and her children coming up the sidewalk.)
Dr. Hutchison: Filburt! Where have you been?
Filburt: Right here, my little tadpole.
Dr. Hutchison: Filburt, you were supposed to have been home a half hour ago.
Filburt: Well we ran into a little trouble...
Xena: It wasn't his fault. You see, Earl here got loose and...
(It is now that Xena notices Filburt and Dr. Hutchison's offspring. All three are wearing coke bottle glasses like Filburt's. She sees one is a turtle like his father, one is a cat (Yeah that's right, a cat.) like her mother and one...well the third one is a spitting image of Heffer!)
Xena: Umm, how come the drooling one there looks like Heffer?
Heffer (Giggles.): Aww that's easy. You see...
Xena (Holding up her hand.): On second thought. I don't want to know.
(Gabrielle emerges from the house and joins the gang.)
Gabrielle: The lab boys are on their way.
Xena: Cool.
Dr. Hutchison: Come along, Filburt. I'm already late for my job at the toxic waste facility.
Rocko: But, Dr Hutchison, I thought you were a surgeon.
Dr. Hutchison: Well I was, but (Hehe.) I found out I just couldn't cut it. Hehehehe. Oh I just kill myself sometimes. It was nice meeting you two. You guys come by the trailer park and visit us sometime...'kay?
Gabrielle: Well, looks like everything is hunky-dory again.
Rocko (Looks at watch.): Oh my goodness. Look at the time. I've got to get home. My second favorite show is about to start.
Xena: You're welcome to watch on our wide screen TV if you like, Rocko.
Rocko: Could we?
Xena (Smiling.): Sure.
Gabrielle: What's you favorite show, Rocko?
Rocko: Well our favorite show is "The Fatheads." Mr. Bighead's son Ralph created it. It's not on till Tuesday though, Tonight our second favorite show airs.
Xena: What's that?
Rocko: Why Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, of course.
Heffer: Yeah, Herc rocks.
(In a swift, but totally involuntary reaction, Xena reaches out and bops Rocko hard between his ears with her knuckles.)
Xena: Oh, uh...sorry, Rocko. I simply don't know what came over me.
Gabrielle (Smiling slyly.): I do.
Xena: (Helping the wallaby up.): I'm sorry, little fella. C'mon, I'll spring for some more pizza if ya stay.
Heffer: PIZZA!!
Spunky: Rowr!
Rocko: You know, I think I learned an important lesson today.
Gabrielle: And that would be?
Rocko (Still rubbing his head.): Xena day is a very dangerous day.
Gabrielle (Laughing.): Tell me about it.
(And so, as we pull back from the house we can hear from inside...) This is the story of a time long ago; a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel...
Rocko: Get 'em, Herc.
Heffer: Wow! Look at the snake lady! Hoo hoo wee he he. That was a hoot!
Gabrielle: Ya know, it's not so bad if you kinda squint.
Xena (Holding tummy.): I'm nauseous...I'm nauseous...I'm nauseous...
As our good friend, Rocko would say, "Boy, what a day. G' night."