Home
By DS Bauden
Chapter Ten
At last indeed. God, I hadn't felt this way in… well, I
can't remember it'd been so long. Kelly crawled into my heart so quickly I didn't
even have time to tack up that ‘Keep Out’ sign. Not that I would’ve.
Nor would I have let you. Kelly’s the one for you, Susan.
You may be right. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this
safe and right with any other person.
She’s it, babe. Just deal, will ya? Um… I think
she just asked you something.
Oh, shit, really?
Looking into the bluest eyes in the world, I most definitely missed a
question.
“I’m sorry, Kelly. What did you say?” I
stuttered.
“I asked if you would like to sleep here tonight. I have a
guest room that you are more than welcome to sleep in, unless you’d be more comfy at
home.” She shyly asked.
She was absolutely beautiful. I can't feel my tongue.
“I… I would… um… “ I couldn’t believe I
couldn’t form an answer.
“Hey, forget it, I was just wondering. I don’t want
you to be uncomfortable in any way. I can take you home, Susan.” She
almost looked like she had been slapped.
“Kelly, wait. I wasn’t going to say no.
Really. I guess the offer kind of took me by surprise and I wasn’t expecting
it. I didn’t mean to act like that.” I took her hand in mine as we
headed back to the couch and turned the music down. We sat down and I kept her hand
on my lap inside my own. “I’d rather stay here anyway. I’m sure
your bed is gonna be much more comfy than my sleeper sofa.”
Her face blushed. “My bed?” She asked softly.
“Oh crap, I didn’t mean yours per se, I just
meant…” I could feel my face getting hot and bright red with each passing
second. “I just meant here, with you, or I mean in your house… Ugh!” I put
my head in my hands. I was just going to be quiet for the rest of the night.
Her light chuckling made me look up into the most stunning face
I’d ever seen. She had a smile that could brighten the dullest of days.
“My God, you're beautiful, Kelly. I know how often
you’ve probably heard that in your life, but it’s the God’s honest
truth.” I felt my hands sweating in my lap; I knew she could feel my nervousness as
well.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that a time or two, but quite frankly, it
never really mattered to me how people saw me. Not until now,” she paused to
face me. “You make me care about how I look. I want to be this way for
you. Who wouldn’t want to be beautiful for you?” Kelly asked
sensually as she stroked my cheek with her knuckles.
My heart beat faster with each word and each stroke of her softness
against my face. I dove into blue pools and before I knew it, our lips came together
in a brush of tenderness. It was a short, chaste kiss, but what followed packed a
whole lot more. We kissed again, this time more passionately and with an urgency
that couldn’t be denied. Our tongues danced with their own private rhythm to
music all their own.
As we parted I could see the smoldering desire in her eyes.
God, she was good at that. My lips were still tingling from the
contact.
“Wow, that was… incredible,” she whispered in my
ear. My body broke out into gooseflesh instantly.
“Yeah… it was,” I was very pleased to have formed a
coherent sentence.
She nuzzled against my neck and tenderly kissed my jaw line.
“You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want,” she
said again in a very low, sexy voice.
“I want,” I said in my own low tones. I wasn’t
sure how much I wanted or even what in fact I did want; I just knew I wanted to stay here
tonight.
"So do I," Kelly agreed as she continued her assault on my
ears. My toes curled in response.
Our lips met again and with each passing moment, I could feel my body
getting more and more out of control. My heart was racing faster than it ever had in
my life. I wanted to possess her with my body. My hands wrapped around her
waist and I pulled her harder into me. I felt her groan into my mouth and that
sparked an intensely arousing wave in my belly that could've shaken all of China.
"Oh, Kelly…" I sighed. "You feel so
incredible." I husked.
My body was on fire.
I felt her hands start to roam down my sides and I could feel her
outlining the sides of my breasts. I arched into her touch instinctively. Our
bodies shifted so that most of her was lying on top of me. She placed her arms just
underneath my shoulders as I felt her leg slide in between my own.
"Ohh…" I gasped.
"Mmm," Kelly groaned into my ear as she began to slowly
move against me. My legs involuntarily wrapped around her probing thigh.
I could feel my center throbbing from needing her there. Oh
this was amazing! This was heaven! This was… too soon! I don't
think I'm ready yet! Dammit! My thoughts were heavily racing through my head
stealing all of my pleasure away. Damn them.
"Wait!" I gasped.
"Is everything alright, Susan?" The concern that I saw
there was enough to melt my heart.
"I'm sorry, Kelly. As much as I want this with you, I
don't think that I'm ready to jump right now… I'm so sorry," I looked away from
her eyes. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment she was bound to show. I
could feel the stinging of tears welling in my eyes.
"Hey…" she whispered as she slowly turned my head to
face her. "Baby, if you're not ready, then we'll wait. I'm very pleased that
you stopped me. I would never want to make love with someone unless they really
wanted to. Especially with you, Susan. I know how much you've been
through. I never want you to feel pressured by me, for anything. Especially
this," she kissed me gently on the lips.
"Thank you, Kelly. You’re so wonderful to me.
What did I ever do to deserve you?" I smiled into deep blue orbs.
"I should be the one asking that question," she smiled and
started to raise her body off of me.
"Wait…" I exhaled as she stopped and looked at me
confused. I swallowed nervously. "Can I have one more kiss?" I
wasn't sure she'd want to. I hoped she wouldn't think I was just teasing her, but I needed
to feel her again.
"You never have to ask that, Susan. I'll kiss you whenever
you want," she smiled and slowly brought her lips down against mine in a soul
searing, heart stopping kiss that took my breath away.
"Wow… I can't wait for stage two," I breathed out
hearing Kelly chuckling as she sat up.
I sat up and ran my hands down my top to straighten it and I felt her
breath in my ear. "I can guarantee it'll be worth waiting for," she
whispered sending gooseflesh down my body.
I don't doubt that.
You can say that again.
Chapter Eleven
My heart was jumping by leaps and bounds just thinking about the
contact we'd just shared. I couldn't believe what almost happened. In a way,
the bad side of me really wanted it to happen. The grown up and more responsible and
caring side was glad we stopped.
God how I wanted her.
I still want her.
Bad.
"Would you like some more wine?" I asked her trying to
break the uncomfortable silence that hung between us.
"I'd better not," she looked up shyly at me.
"How about some tea?" She suggested.
"Sure, I can do that. Besides, I think we still have some
talking to do." I couldn't believe I'd just said that.
"Yeah, I was hoping you'd continue. I just didn't want to
push anymore tonight," she smiled.
"Don't worry, this will give me something else to do with my
mouth," I replied with a wink as I got up to go into the kitchen.
I heard her laughing at my retreating form and I took a deep
cleansing breath as I entered the kitchen. I knew the rest of the evening wasn't
going to be near as fun as what it could've been. What did my grandma always say to
me?
There's always gonna be time for that later.
I smiled at her words. I needed to call her. Her advice
was so priceless.
“You want some green tea?” I shouted into the family room.
“Yeah, that’d be great,” I heard her respond.
I put the water on the stove to boil. Even though I had most
amenities known to a kitchen, the teakettle should always make water for tea and the
coffee maker should only heat water for coffee. Call me strange.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready to talk about the loss of my mom
yet. That pain was still pretty raw. I knew that Susan would hear that story
one day. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to go down that road tonight.
I’d already spoken of Julie, which I really didn’t think would happen ever
again, but there I was spouting away like there was no tomorrow.
Susan was so comforting and understanding about that whole
situation. No wonder she can help people. She has the softest eyes telling you
that you can trust her. It’s unavoidable, she’d listen and she’d
care. She’d make you feel as if she were there with you through it all.
That’s a heart you don’t find in many people. It’s a heart I hope to
have one day soon.
Aw hell, who am I kidding? She already has mine. I just
didn’t think that I’d give it to her so quickly.
Who knew that she’d have such an affect on me?
You did, ya big idiot. You knew that from the first moment you heard her ring that bell.
Yeah well, shoot me.
Don’t tempt.
I sat and argued with myself until I heard the squealing of the
teakettle. I put the kettle and cups with the tea on a tray and headed back into the
family room.
“Here we are…” I stopped short when I looked down
into the face of an angel.
Susan had drifted asleep on the couch with Matty happily curled
below her. My heart couldn’t take much more in one evening. This woman
had officially turned me into a marshmallow.
I didn’t care one bit.
I turned around and brought the tray back into the kitchen. I
returned and decided that I should put my charge to bed. I didn’t want to wake
her.
God she looked so at peace. I’m sure she didn’t
always look like this while she slept. If she slept at all on the street, that
is. I only pray that I can keep her face looking like it does right now.
Matty looked up at me and thumped her tail against the couch.
“Hi sweetie. Did we wear out our guest?” I asked her as I scratched
behind her ears. She rubbed harder against my hand and into the couch. She
really thought she was a cat. I laughed at her actions and gave one final scratch
before waking Susan.
I leaned down and brushed a few stray hairs out of her face.
My fingers caressed her cheek and I felt her move into my touch. Even asleep she
responded to me. She was truly a find. I guiltily continued my touches until I
felt my own body announce its fatigue. I covered my mouth as a yawn escaped and
cupped Susan’s cheek with my hand while attempting to wake her.
“Susan sweetheart, wake up. It’s time to go to
bed,” I said softly.
Nothing.
Oh Boy.
“Susan? Wake up honey,” I said a little louder as I
moved my fingers across her cheek tenderly.
She stirred and smiled into my touches.
“That’s it. Wake up, baby. I’ll put you
to bed in a much softer place. I promise you’ll find it much more
comfortable,” I continued.
“Mmm… I like it here. S’warm… “ She
mumbled softly. Her eyes flickered then fully opened. Those beautiful brown
eyes were staring at me. First they were uncertain of where they were and looked a
little scared.
“Shhh… “ I tried to sooth her panicky eyes.
“Hey sleepyhead. Let me show you to your room,”
“Oh Kelly, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I
fell asleep! I’m so embarrassed!” She said while rubbing her face with her
hands.
“Hey, don’t worry about it. I told you, this couch
has no shame.” I chuckled.
“You weren’t kidding. It totally sucked me
in,” she smiled a sleepy grin and yawned.
“Well as comfy as this couch is, it doesn’t hold a candle
to the bed. Come on, I’ll show you the way,” I lowered my hand for her to
grasp. She took my hand and I guided her up onto her feet.
She stretched while I turned off the lights and the stereo.
“Are you sure it’s no trouble for me to stay here,
Kelly?” Susan asked.
“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want your
company. Besides, it’ll be like a slumber party. God knows I haven’t
had one of those in years!” I chuckled.
“Slumber party eh? Well the ones I went to always had
all of us sleeping in the same room and laughing and talking until dawn,” she smiled
in memory.
“We could do that if you wanted. I mean if you wanna
share a bed with me,” I said watching for her reaction.
None came.
“Well, if you promise not to steal all the covers, you got
yourself a deal,” she replied sleepily trying to stifle another yawn.
“Well from the looks of you, dawn is out of the question, but
it’ll still be nice to sleep with you. Ahh…if… if you’re all
right with that. I mean, I don’t want to scare you or make you
uncomfortable. We’ve already talked about this, so I do mean sleep when I say
‘sleep with you’,” I reassured her. “I’d just really like
to hold you tonight.” I confessed.
“I’d like that too, Kelly,” she admitted
shyly. “Very much.”
“All right then. Let me get Matty outside one last time
and I’ll show you where my room is. Okay?” I smiled.
“Sure thing,” she winked at me.
I let Matty out and she decided to cooperate for me for once.
Nighttime is her time for mischief. I never expect her to come in until half the
yard is dug up. I guess she figures I can’t see her in the dark. Luckily
for me she did her business and made her way back to the backdoor without tearing up half
the lawn.
“Good girl! You deserve a treat for that,” I
commended as I walked to her cabinet and pulled out a treat.
She eagerly took the rawhide and trotted towards the stairs leading
to my bedroom. She had a tendency to prance when she got a treat. She knew
she’d done something right to get it and she’d be damned if she wasn’t
going to show it off.
I took Susan’s hand and led her towards the stairs leading up
to my room. We walked hand in hand and I never felt so content in my life. She
was filling a gap that was so huge for so long. I don’t think I could ever
convey to her how precious she had become to me. I don’t think I could find the
right words.
We walked into my room and I watched as her eyes scanned the room
with approving eyes.
“Kelly, this room is beautiful! God, my whole apartment
is as big as your room!” Susan chuckled.
“I’m glad you like it. I hope… “ I looked
at her and took both of her hands as I faced her. “I really hope you know that
I didn’t bring you here to um… show off or to brag. I know you’ve had
a hard time and…”
Susan placed her finger on my lips to stop my ramblings.
“Kelly, I know you’re not like that. I can
tell. I’ve been around enough people that think their shit doesn’t stink,
but believe me, they aren’t even in your league. You invited me here to see
you, not your possessions. For that, I’m grateful, because I’ve had such a
wonderful time tonight. I haven’t danced in ages. In forever I
think. I think the last person I danced with was my father…” she paused as
I heard her deeply sigh. “Anyway, thank you for starting to say what you did,
even though it wasn’t necessary. You’re not a fake, Kelly.
You’re an incredible woman and I’m really proud and honored that I can call you
friend.”
I really didn’t know what to say. She was amazing!
All I could do was inch closer and pull her into my arms. Our bodies fit together so
well; it felt so right. I rested my chin on the top of her head and took a deep
breath. Her hair smelled like sunshine. That analogy made me smile in
reflex. I could only imagine one other person smelling like sunshine, and that was
my mom. I wonder if she sent her to me.
Was she a gift mom? If she was, I really can’t thank you enough. God I miss you.
My eyes had shed tears that I had no control over. I felt so
vulnerable around Susan, but I’d never felt safer. I knew she’d never hurt
me and I could trust her with anything or anyone. She heard me sniffle and slowly
pulled out of my embrace.
“Kelly?” she looked up and noticed my tears.
“Sweetheart, why are you crying?” She asked as she brushed away a few tears with
her thumbs.
“I’m sorry, Susan. I was holding you and I um…
smelled your hair. Your hair smelled like sunshine,” I smiled a watery
smile. “My mom was the only other person that I can say that about. I
guess it just sparked something inside of me and I was missing her. It happens every
once in a while. She was the world to me.” I explained in almost a whisper.
“Oh sweetheart, I can totally understand that. Never
apologize for missing your mom. And even though you haven’t told me much about
her, I know that you loved her very much,” she pulled me against her again.
“You can cry on my shoulder whenever you feel like it.”
“Thanks, Susan, I really appreciate that. I haven’t
had anyone that I could share this with other than my grandmother. It’s nice to
talk about my mom with someone else. I’d like to tell you more about her one
day. I know she would’ve liked you a lot.”
Like I do.
“Do you see her often? Your grandma,” she asked.
“I see her every once in a while. We’ve kind of
drifted apart. She and I used to talk a lot. She lost a lot too when mom
died. Maybe it hurts her too much to see me, I honestly don’t know.
I don’t like to push her. She’s such a sweet lady though. Funny as
hell, too.” I smiled in memory of her quick humor and one-liners.
“Kelly? Can we continue this, there?” Susan
pointed to my bed shyly. “I’m a little chilly,” she smiled.
“Yeah, sure. Let me get you something comfy to sleep
in,” I smiled and walked over to my armoire and opened my pajama drawer.
I pulled out a pair of my flannel bottoms and a long sleeve
T-shirt.
“Will you be warm enough in this, or do you want something
else?”
“Oh, that’s fine. I may even be a little too warm in
that, but let’s give it a shot,” she grinned.
“I have boxers too if you’d rather,” I offered.
“You know what? I like that idea better. I never
could understand pants in bed. My sheets would always wrap around my clothed legs
and I’d feel like I was trapped,” she grinned and shrugged.
“Thanks.” Susan said as I handed her the clothing.
“Sure. The bathroom’s in there,” I pointed to
the door. “And there are new toothbrushes in the cabinet. Feel free to use
whichever color you feel like.” I offered.
“Again, thanks, Kelly. Your hospitality is absolutely
wonderful,” she stood on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek before she sauntered into
the bathroom to get ready for bed.
I grabbed another pair of boxer shorts and a short-sleeved T-shirt
to wear to bed. I couldn’t wear anything too warm at night or I’d get
nightmares. Who knew why this was, I just didn’t want to fuel my overly active
dreamscapes. They were scary enough on their own.
*****
God this bathroom is three times the size as the powder room
downstairs! I couldn’t believe my eyes. Kelly indeed had quite a
house. This place was just incredible. The bathtub had whirlpool jets and
looks like it could seat at least four. Wow, not even my parents had a tub like that
one.
I opened the medicine cabinet and found several toothbrushes and
indeed they were in different colors.
Have lots of overnight guests, Kelly?
Oh jealousy isn’t a good look for you, darlin’.
I’m not jealous! Besides, she said she had quite a
checkered past. I also believe she said that those days were over. Maybe
she’s just planning ahead so she doesn’t have to rush out to buy a spare!
Are you trying to convince yourself or me, Suz?
Oh, shut up, please?
I took the wrapper off the toothbrush and found some toothpaste.
I looked at my reflection as I cleansed my teeth and I began to giggle at my
appearance. Kelly’s clothes were at least three sizes too big for me, but they
smelled like her, therefore, it was all good.
I spit the last of my toothpaste down the drain and wiped my mouth
on the towel hanging on the rod next to the vanity. I felt my heart go out to the
woman in the next room. She must’ve loved her mom a great deal. I wonder
if she’ll tell me what happened?
Don’t push, Susan. She’ll tell you when she’s ready. You’ve worked through a lot of your issues and maybe she needs a bit more time before she can tell all.
For once, you’re right. Thank you. Now goodnight.
Goodnight, Susan.
I walked out of the bathroom to find Kelly pulling up her boxers
and smiling shyly at me. Her gaze burned my flesh as I felt her taking in my body.
“Wow, you look absolutely adorable. You look better in
my clothes than I do.”
“Yeah, but I bet you look better out of them,” I felt my ears turn red after
saying that out loud. I couldn’t believe I said that. I know my eyes
looked like wide cartoon-like saucers.
Kelly’s chuckling was her only response as she walked closer
to me. Her head leaned closer to mine and she whispered softly.
“I doubt that very much. But ohh… I can’t wait
to find out who’s right,” she purred in my ears as she made her way into the
bathroom. I felt her eyes on my back and I slowly turned around to see if I was
right. I saw her wink at me with a smile before she closed the door.
She’s going to kill me. She’s definitely going to
kill me.
“Whoa…” I breathed out. “This is gonna
get more and more interesting, isn’t it Matty?” I whispered to the dog who
was looking at me with the chewed rawhide sticking out of her mouth. Her tail
thumped against the bed and then she went back to work on her treat.
“Thanks, Pal. You’ve been very insightful,” I
snickered at the beast on the floor.
I heard the water running in the bathroom and decided to get into
bed. I was starting to feel chilly again now that the heat flashes had died down a
bit. I walked to the bathroom door and knocked quietly.
“Hey, Kelly? Which side do you sleep on?” I
asked through the door.
“The right.” She mumbled through her toothpaste
filled mouth.
“K, thanks.”
I walked to the left hand side of the bed and turned down the
sheets and comforter. I climbed into the cool sheets and felt more at home in this
bed than I did in the one at my own house. Her scent was everywhere and it was such
a comfort to me. I decided that I liked that.
A lot.
I came out of the bathroom to find my guest snuggling into my
blankets on my bed. It warmed my heart to see her in my bed. Not to mention
other parts of my anatomy. She looked up at me and smiled. I couldn’t
help but smile back.
“Comfortable?” I had to ask.
“Oh, Kelly, I can’t tell you the last time I’ve laid
in a bed this comfy. It’s heaven. Thank you for asking me over,” she
smiled at me sleepily.
“You’re welcome, darlin. I just didn’t want our
night to end so soon. Even though the rest of our time will probably be spent
sleeping, I just didn’t want to say good-bye just yet,” I confessed.
“I know what you mean. I’ve had such a good time
tonight. Thank you again,” Susan said.
I rolled back the sheets and blankets on my side of the bed and got
in. I wrestled playfully with Susan a bit for the covers, and then settled
comfortably on my left side to look at her. She’d done the same onto her right
side and we just stared at each other for many moments. It seemed like time was
going so slowly. I took in every feature on her face, from the tiny freckles on her
nose to the chicken pox scar right next to her right eye. At least it looked like a
chicken pox scar.
I reached up and gently caressed her face in wonder of what this
girl’s childhood was like. It had to have been so different from the life that
she’s used to at present. I just couldn’t believe that someone’s
parents would actually throw out one of their own because they didn’t agree with
their sexual orientation. I was very lucky in that respect. My mom and I had a
very close relationship and I knew I could tell her anything and everything. So when
I came to her when I was fifteen and told her I didn’t think I liked boys “in
that way” she just smiled at me with open arms and said “I love you, Kelly, no
matter what.” She was really something.
“Hey, you alright?” Susan said startling me a
bit.
My fingers continued to caress her and I outlined the small scar next
to her eye. “Where’d you get this from?” I asked carefully.
“Chicken pox. Six years old.” Susan confirmed.
“That’s what I thought. I have a similar one next to
my eye. See?” I said as I pointed to where I thought the scar was on my
face.
“Wow, look at that. We’re twins,” she giggled.
“Oh, God, I hope not. What we did downstairs wouldn’t
be too welcome in most families,” I joked.
“Ew, Kelly!” Susan laughed as she swatted my shoulder.
“I’m just kidding,” I laughed back and grasped her
retreating hand interlacing our fingers.
I took a deep breath and looked up at Susan. Her eyes were
incredible. They’ve seen so much more of this life than I ever hope to.
They’ve seen places I’ve only heard horror stories about. I feel so
incredibly blessed that I’d never had to go through any of the things that she
has. I hope that I never do. I caressed the palm of her hand with my thumb.
“Something on your mind, Kelly?” Susan caught me staring
and just smiled at me.
“Well, actually, I’m hoping that we can postpone the
remainder of our ‘heart to heart’ for another day. I don’t know if
I’m quite up to going into another story tonight,” I gave a small sad grin to my
new friend.
“Oh honey, you don’t have to tell me anything if you
don’t feel up to it. If you decide one day that you want to share that part of
your life, then of course, I’ll be more than willing to listen. Please
don’t feel pressured into telling me something you aren’t ready to share
yet. I would hate that,” Susan held tight to my hand. “Let’s
just take this slow. Let’s find a pace that we’re both happy with and go
with it. No pressure?” She smiled in hope.
“No pressure,” I gladly agreed.
I squeezed her hand and relief instantly flooded my body. I
guess I really wasn’t ready to reveal too much too soon. I just wanted her to
feel that I’m willing to be an equal part in all of this. Whether it’s
emotionally or not. God knows, I have some baggage that I carry around every
day. I know she took a risk when she came out to dinner with me and especially last
night when she shared so much of herself to almost a complete stranger, without batting an
eye. I guess she feels the connection as much as I do. God knows I’ve
never had it this strong with anyone before.
“Can we snuggle?” I asked in almost a childlike
voice.
“Of course we can snuggle. I was hoping you’d want
to,” she admitted.
I leaned onto my back and felt the bed shift as Susan rolled closer
to me. Finally her head rested on my shoulder and her arm wrapped securely around my
waist. My arm instinctively wrapped itself around her shoulders and held her close
to me.
“This feels so nice,” I cooed and began rubbing her back.
“I have to agree. Your arms feel great around me,”
she said as she snuggled impossibly closer to me.
I’d never felt more secure.
Or more cared for.
I can hear her heartbeat racing with every breath she takes. At
least I’m not the only one who’s nervous. I hadn’t been in another
person’s arms since Cindy. God it’s been a long time. This felt too
good to be true. I don’t think I’d ever forget the sound of Kelly’s
heartbeat. It’s so strong. I love the way that she holds me. Her
hands rubbed my back so soothingly.
I’d bet they’d feel great on other places too.
Quit that!
Just thought I’d keep you posted on my thoughts.
Well don’t!
Go away!
If I never heard my shadow’s voice again, it’d be too
soon. If I could just get over my fears maybe she’d go away. Who knows?
“Susan?” Kelly whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Are you still sleepy?”
God she’s so cute.
“Yeah, I am. Being all cuddled up like this makes me feel
so safe. I could stay here forever,” I said before I could stop myself.
Hell, who was I kidding? I didn’t want to stop
myself. This was where I wanted to be. I’ll be damned before
someone’s gonna take that from me again.
“I’m glad you’re comfortable,” she smiled into my
hair. “I haven’t felt this good in a long time.” Kelly confessed to
me.
“Mmm,” I murmured into her. “I know the
feeling.”
“Good night, darlin’” Kelly said quietly.
“Sweet dreams, Kelly,” I said as I slowly looked up into
dreamy blue eyes.
“You too,” she said as she leaned closer.
Her kiss was soft and warm and it tingled my body completely. I
moaned unintentionally into her mouth. Her body coiled like a snake ready to
pounce and she deepened the kiss. Our tongues met again and we tasted the fresh toothpaste
between us. She was so good at this kissing thing. My body really wanted to
sink into her fully. I felt my lips being nipped as our kiss slowly came to an end.
“Whoa,” I breathed.
“Yeah,” Kelly agreed.
“You are so good at that,” I smiled at her.
“I’m glad you think so. You’re quite gifted as
well. My body thanks you too. It’s trying really hard to betray my
head,” she giggled.
“I know the feeling,” I mumbled. “I’m
sorry…” I started.
She placed her fingers across my pouting lips. “Shhh,
don’t go there. I told you I’d gladly wait to make love with you. I
just thought you’d like to know what my body thinks of you, too,” she smiled.
“It’s nice to know. It really is. It’s
been so long since I’ve wanted anyone to feel these things for me. I’m so
glad you do, Kelly. You are such an incredible woman. Thank you for
approaching me yesterday. I don’t know if I would’ve had the nerve to have
gone to you. It’s hard to tell what kinds of reactions people like me
get,” I sadly said.
“God, it has to be so hard for you, honey. I’m so
glad your friend brought you back from the street. Carol was her name,
right?” Kelly asked.
“Yeah, she was the greatest woman I’ve ever known.
She really brought me back to life. I was so dead inside. I never thought
I’d make it back to reality. I thought the rest of my life was gonna be as it
was in my own little world out there,” I sighed thinking back, thanking God I was
warm, clothed, fed, and cared for.
“Susan?” Kelly started. “What are your plans for
Christmas? I know I told you that I go to the movies, but I’d love some company
this year. What do you think? It’s only five days away, and I thought we
could spend it together,” Kelly bit her lip anticipating my response.
“Well, actually, I am heading a food drive for the
shelter. We do it every year and it’s something I like to do. It reminds
me of Carol now that she’s gone. It kind of brings me closer to her in a
way. She did it for me and I really like giving some of that back,” I said
proudly.
“You need any help?” Kelly asked.
“Are you serious?” I looked up at smiling eyes.
“Of course I am. I wouldn’t offer something like that
if I wasn’t serious,” she explained unnecessarily.
“Kelly, I’d LOVE that!” I hugged her tightly.
“You are an absolute Godsend! Thank you, you don’t know what this means to
me,” I professed.
“I see your face shining like I’ve never seen before.
I have a pretty good idea what it means to you. I also know what you mean to
me. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you, Susan,” Kelly grinned
shyly.
“Thank you, Kelly. Thank you so much,” I breathed
into her chest.
Her arms held me firmly against her. I knew without a doubt,
that Kelly Cavanaugh was going to make it impossible for me NOT to fall in love with her.
“You’re welcome, baby.”
“Kelly?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you something?” I said quietly.
“Honey, you can ask me anything you want,” she reassured.
“Why don’t you have a Christmas tree?” I felt
her giggle under me.
“Funny you should ask me that. I have an artificial one
that I keep in my garage. I haven’t put it up yet, because I wasn’t sure I
wanted to. I never really celebrate Christmas with anyone, so I guess I figured why
bother?” she said matter of factly.
“Well, I’d love to help you decorate it,” I said a
little too excited. “I haven’t decorated a tree in a long time. My
parents always had a huge nine or ten foot tree in the living room. It was always so
magical to me. Bing Crosby would be crooning in the background and we’d dress
the tree as a family… God I miss that,” I sighed.
“You miss doing the tree?” She asked sounding a bit
confused.
“No, well yes, but what I meant was, I miss having a
family,” I said sadly.
“I can be a part of your family, Susan. All you have to do
is say the word. I know what missing family is all about. My mom was my
world,” Kelly began as she started running her fingers through my hair.
“Even though it was just my mom, grandma, and myself, it was so special for me.
I knew if I needed anything, they were there. If I was sick, my mom would take care
of me. Even if I only needed a hug, she was there for me. And if I needed a
good kick in the ass, they were both on me faster than lightening. Believe me, that
happened way too much for my liking.” Kelly chuckled along with me.
“I bet you were something else when you were younger,” I
giggled.
“You have no idea. I had so much energy when I was a
child. My mom went to a preacher because she thought I might be possessed or
something!” Kelly laughed.
“No way! Are you serious?” I was shocked.
“I’m very serious. She was a very religious
person. She was a hard core Catholic woman up until the day she took her last
breath,” Kelly said sadly. “God, she was a fighter.”
I didn’t want to push anything with Kelly about her mom. I
knew she would tell me the whole story when she was ready. I would take these bits
and pieces though. It made me believe that she was starting to trust me. That
in itself was good enough for me.
“Anyway, I’d love to decorate the tree with you this year,
Susan. It’ll be great fun, I think. It’s been awhile since I’ve
had anyone other than Matty, to enjoy it with,” Kelly said wistfully.
“I’d love to, Kelly. Thanks for asking me,” I smiled.
“You’re welcome, honey,” Kelly reached back and
clicked off her lamp, which rested on her night table.
The moon was shining through the windows as the wind blew
outside.
God, I’m glad I’m in here. The memories of freezing
my ass off aren’t far enough away yet. Kelly kissed the top of my head and
settled down for a comfortable slumber.
“Night, baby,” she said into my hair.
“G’night, Kelly.” I turned my head and kissed her
neck.
I snuggled deeper into my human pillow and let sleep take me,
happily.
“Are you sure, Gram? I mean, could they be wrong?”
Kelly asked hopefully.
“No sweetie, they’ve confirmed it with the tests,”
Connie said sadly.
“Is mom there? Can I talk to her?” Kelly inquired.
“She’s sleeping, dear. She’s had quite a
day. We’ll be flying back tomorrow. She’s going to need you to be
strong for her, Kelly. The doctors told me about this illness, and I’m gonna be
honest with you, honey, it’s going to get really hard on the both of you,”
Kelly’s grandmother explained. “She eventually is going to lose all of her
muscle control. Slowly but surely this disease will take all of her abilities away
from her. Everything from her ability to walk, to eat, and she may even lose her ability
to talk.”
Kelly was crying on the other end of the phone, but couldn’t seem to stop the
tears. “Is she going to be in pain, Grandma?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. They seem to think that
part of the mind goes too, so she may not be aware of it. Sometimes they are
completely lucid though. It’s hard to say. Everyone reacts
differently. We’ll just have to wait it out, honey. We won’t know
until it happens,” Kelly’s grandmother sighed sadly. “She’s
strong, Kelly. The Lord will take care of her..”
“How long, Gram?” Kelly sobbed into the phone.
“How long does she have?”
“They say anywhere from two to five years. Again, it
really depends on how badly it affects her. She could live longer or shorter.
Only time will tell us that,” Connie paused. “Listen, I’m going to
get back to your mother. Try to pull yourself together for her, honey. She
needs you to be strong. For the both of you. I know you can do it,
sweetie. I love you,” Connie finished.
“I love you, too, Gram. Thanks for letting me know.
At least we understand why she’s been acting so differently. God! This is
so not fair!” Kelly screamed.
“I know, baby. I know. Shhh… We’ll be home
tomorrow. Will you be okay? Why don’t you call a friend to come over to stay
with you tonight.” Her grandma suggested.
“No Gram, I don’t want anyone around me right now,”
Kelly took a deep breath calming her tears briefly. “All right, Gram.
Take care of her and I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she sniffled.
“Alright, dear. Bye.”
“Bye, Gram.” Kelly dropped the phone onto the coffee table.
Tears and anguish filled Kelly with every breath she took.
“WHY? Why God dammit! Why her? Why’d you
have to do this to her?” Kelly screamed up at the ceiling. “She’s a
fucking saint! She’s been the kindest person to everyone! Everyone loves
her. She’s never done a cruel thing to anyone or anything in her whole
life. Jesus…” Kelly collapsed on the couch and wept until she passed out.
***
“Mom? Are you awake?” Kelly peeked her head inside her mother’s room. Normally at this hour, her mother would be resting. She looked down at her sickly mother and felt her heart constrict painfully. There she was laying in the hospital bed the hospice had given them to use until her passing. Her frail form was curled on her side with a catheter tube running down the length of the bed and into her body. Her breathing was shallow, but she was still alive with Kelly and her Grandmother.
Dorothy’s eyes slowly opened and looked a bit glazed over.
They slowly moved around until they rested on her daughter who was silently watching
her. She made a slight noise to let Kelly know she knew she was there.
“Hi, ma.” Kelly started as she ran her fingers through her
mother’s fine hair. “How was your nap?”
Her mother raised her eyebrows trying to communicate with her only
daughter.
“I hope I didn’t disturb you too badly,” Kelly took a
deep breath. “Mom, I really wanted to talk to you.” The tears had begun to roll
down Kelly’s cheeks. She reached down to her mother’s bed and held one of her
hands. She felt a slight pressure in her grasp making her smile sadly. “Oh mom,
this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I know I’ve only been
around for seventeen years, but I think I’ve seen more in the last two years than I
ever want to again. I know that soon we’re gonna be apart and I think that
maybe this is the best time for me to tell you all that I wanted to. Somewhere
inside of you, I know that you can hear me and you can understand what I’m
saying. I really hate that guy that comes in here and pretends like you don’t
know what’s going on. I know you do!” Kelly paused to catch her breath.
“I just wanted to let you know, that I think you’re the
most wonderful woman that God put on this Earth. You’ve been the best mom
anyone could ask for. You’ve gone out of your way to keep food in my mouth,
clothes on my back, and you kept me in better schools than most kids go to. You let
me go the popular school, just because I asked to go there. I could’ve easily
gone to Winston High down the road, but no, I wanted to go to South with all my
friends. You never even said a word when you had to work longer hours to make sure I
was able to go there. You drove me every single day, too. I don’t know of
anyone else that didn’t have to take the bus to school.” Kelly wiped her nose
and eyes with her drenched Kleenex. She could feel her mother’s hand tighten
ever so slightly in her grasp. Kelly knew her mother could hear every word out of
her mouth.
“You did so much for me mom in the short time that we’ve
been together. I’m truly blessed that I had you in my life. Even though my
father, who’s worthless ass I could kick right now, is no where to be found, he gave
life to me and therefore brought me to you. That’s the only thing I could ever
thank him for. Lord knows he doesn’t deserve shit from anyone,” Kelly felt
her mom tighten her hold a bit more. “Sorry, I know you hate when I curse.” Her
grip loosened up. “I don’t want to waste my time talking about him anyway.
This is all about you mom. The words, I love you, don’t mean nearly enough to
me right now. I wish you could see inside of me to know how much you mean to me,
mom. You’re my life, you‘ve always been there for me. Even when I
told you that I was gay when I was fifteen. I thought for sure you’d disown me
or beat the tar out of me until I changed my mind, but you didn’t. You opened
your arms to me and told me you loved me, no matter what. I will always remember
that day, mom. Always.
Kelly began to cry in earnest and had to try to calm herself to
finish what she needed to say. “I hate with all that I am to see you like this.
You were such an independent woman. You’ve never asked for anything in your
whole life. Now you can’t. What kind of divine love is that? Why
did God do this to you? You’ve gone to church almost daily since I was
born. Is this the gratitude He shows you? I don’t nor will I ever
understand the justice in all of this. You serve Him so He knocks you down with a
fatal illness that has no cure? What the hell is that? I know you’ve
served God your whole life, and I know you told me that you thought He chose you
because He knew you were strong enough to handle it. Well, I don’t buy it!
You’re too good of a person for this to happen to. I just don’t understand that
kind of love,” Kelly stopped to sob against her mother’s side. “I’m so
sorry this happened to you, mom. I’m so sorry…”
Her mother made a vocal sound and Kelly got closer to her mouth so
she could listen better. “What ma? I didn’t hear you.”
“Laaa You,” her mother’s voice stretched.
“I love you too, mom.” Kelly sobbed.
She walked around to the other side of her mother’s bed.
She climbed into bed with her mom and held her while spooned tightly against her.
They lay there together silently crying until they both fell into a restless sleep.
***
Kelly watched as they took the oxygen away from her mother’s mouth. She didn’t want any respiratory help once her lungs began to fail. Her mother had slipped into a coma and was breathing in quick short gasps. The nurse was watching as Kelly and her grandmother waited for the inevitable to happen. Dorothy’s breaths were longer in frequency, until finally, she took one last breath then was taken silently into the Heavens. The color faded from her cheeks as did the warmth from her skin. Kelly hung onto her mother during the whole process. She sobbed endlessly until she heard the word Coroner. She looked up into the dark loving eyes of her grandmother and wordlessly asked for a few minutes alone with her mom.
Connie rose and left with the nurse into the kitchen to give her
granddaughter some privacy that she too, would ask for shortly.
Kelly clung to her mother’s nightgown and rested her head on her
mother’s chest. She heard nothing beating or moving inside, finalizing
everything in her own mind. She cried and mumbled words of love and longing to her
until she finally said good-bye.
One of the nurses from the hospice was called and even though it was
the middle of the night, came right over before the Coroner arrived. She wailed into
Dorothy’s lifeless body. Pat was Dorothy’s favorite nurse and vice
versa. Seeing Pat hunched over her mother sent a wave of new tears down Kelly’s
face.
The doorbell rang and she knew it was the coroner’s office to
pick up her mother’s body. She didn’t want to answer the door, believing
if she didn’t let them in, her mother wouldn’t leave. She knew better and
opened the door to find two pairs of warm comforting eyes.
“Miss Cavanaugh?” Kelly nodded and let the two
gentlemen into their home. “We’re so sorry for your loss. Is she in
there?” Kelly nodded dumbly and watched as her grandmother readied her daughter
for her removal.
Kelly heard the words “expire” and “patient” in
the same sentence. She’d never heard someone’s death referred to as them
expiring. It was a world of language she never wanted to learn.
They wheeled her mother’s body out of her room on a
gurney. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but her mother’s body had been put
in a body bag. She took one final look at her mother’s form being wheeled out
of her life and collapsed into the waiting arms of her grandmother.
“No! I can’t believe she’s gone, Grandma.
No! Mommy! No!” she continued sobbing.
*****