by L.Fox
lfox@scottsburg.com
This tale is the product of a somewhat demented individual. No copyright infringement was intended on any of the characters that appear here.
So Lucy has made a cartoon now, huh? If you ask me this was a waste of ink and paint. I submit that if she was going to lend her talents to a cartoon it should have been something tasteful and educational. Yesiree, the 'toon I'm thinking of is the one its own creator said corrupted an entire generation (including me). That's right, "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle."
So without further ado, and any legal action I hope, it's time for: Lucy and the Moon Men
Fearless Leader: Badenov, you haf been called here because I haf very important assignment for you.
Boris Badenov: Am most honored, Fearless Leader, that you vould trust such vital mission to me.
Fearless Leader: I don't trust such important mission to you, dumpkof! Ees just all other spies are busy at present time. You vere only one available.
Boris: Vell, you know the old sayink, "A villain in time saves nine."
Natasha Fatale: Ohh, dahlink, you are so profound.
Fearless Leader: Here is deal, Badenov. (He holds up a picture of Lucy as she appears in real life.) Observe zis woman carefully.
Boris (eyes popping out of head): Am observing! Am observing!
(Natasha conks Boris in the head with her fist.)
Boris (rubbing head): Vhy you get so mad, my leetle rutabaga? Am only following orders.
Fearless Leader (cracks Boris in the head with his pointer): Badenov! Pay attention! Now as I was sayink observe zis woman. See how pale she looks. Now vatch closely...(He holds up picture of Lucy made up as Xena.) See the difference?
Boris: Vat a tan!
Natasha: Did she vacation on beach somevhere?
Fearless Leader: Nein. Zis voman liffs in New Ceeland. Zay nefer get sunshine there, only clouds und rain.
Natasha: But howww...?
Fearless Leader: Vee haf learned zay haf a secret formula zat, when applied to ze skin, creates instant tan.
Boris: And vat do they call zis modern miracle?
Fearless Leader: Insta-tan.
Boris and Natasha: Insta-tan?
Fearless Leader: Ees zhere an echo in here? Ya, Insta-tan. Badenov, your mission is to steal formula for Insta-tan. With zis formula in our possession, Pottsylvania could rule zee world!
Boris (scratches head): How do you get dat, oh Unscrupulous One?
Fearless Leader (again whacks Boris over head with pointer): Knock it off. Flattery vill get you nowhere.
Boris: Forgive me, Fearless Leader. It's just I'm behind on my quota of brownie points zis month.
Fearless Leader: Here is plan, Badenov. As you know, vomen all over the vorld are constantly striving for perfect tan. However, since most cannot sunbathe in nude this is unachieveable. But with zis formula zey could get perfect tan indoors or out, winter or summer. Imagine millions of vomen flocking to stores to buy zis modern marvel.
Boris: But why don't zhese people market formula themselves if it's so good?
Fearless Leader: Because they are dumpkofs. They don't realize ze potential of such a product. Ve are going to market zis ourselves und we vill make a killing. We then take profits and sink zem into developing our secret weapon.
Boris and Natasha: Secret Weapon?
Fearless Leader: There's zat echo again. Yes, ees most secret veapon we haf.
Boris: May I ask what zis secret weapon is, Fearless Leader?
Fearless Leader (again whacks Boris on the head): Sorry, Badenov, force of habit. Secret Weapon is called ze Dufus Bomb.
Boris and Natasha: The Dufus Bomb?
Fearless Leader (picks up telephone): Hello, Adolph? Send up maintainance up to my office man right away. Zere's an echo loose in here. (Puts down phone.) Yes the Dufus Bomb. Our top scientists that we stole from west haf developed a gas zat gives people uncontrollable urge to vatch MTV for hours on end.
(Boris and Natasha gasp.)
Natasha: Ess too horrible for words.
Fearless Leader: Our tests haf shown zat intense exposure to such trauma turns zat person into mindless dummy. Can you imagine ze havoc we could cause if ve put gas in bomb and drop on Vashington or Cheecago? Ve could just walk right in and take over for those MTV induced zombies.
Boris: Hoo boy. Killer plan, Fearless Leader.
Fearless Leader: Of course. Ve haf had zis gas for some time but ees very expensive to produce. Zat is where Insta-tan comes in. Ve steal formula, market Insta-tan ourselves, reap huge profits, and use them to finance our attack on US of A. After we knock off US of A other countries will naturally fall like chinese checkers.
Boris: Don't you mean dominoes?
Fearless Leader (again whacks Boris on the head): Idiot! You play game you like and I play game I like. Now, get your plastooka to New Ceeland and steal me zat formula!
(Boris and Natasha are at the gate trying to worm their way past security.)
Guard: Where do ya think you're goin', pallie?
Boris: Allow me to introduce myself. My name ees Stefan Iceberg, world famous movie director, and zis ess my assistant, Castona Couch. Ve are here to see zat promising actress, Lucy Lawless. (Whispers to Natasha) With name like that she ought to be in our line of vurk.
Guard: World famous, huh? I never 'erd of you. Have you got an appoinment?
Boris: Appointment? Me, Stefan Iceberg, needs appointment? Ees most insulting!
Guard: Sorry, mate. No credentials, no entrance.
Boris (whispers to Natasha): Ess time for plan R-46.
Natasha: I just remembered, dahlink. Our credentials are in my back pocket. But zese pants are so tight I don't sink I can get zem out. Can you assist me? (She turns and sticks out butt toward guard.)
Guard (eyes wide): My pleasure, Miss Couch.
(Boris pulls out blackjack and conks guard over the head.)
Boris: Meh heh heh heh. Old plan number R-46 nefer fails. Vell, what are you waiting for, Natasha. Get rid of him.
(Natasha lugs guard into guard shack and dumps him on the floor.)
Natasha: Vat now, dahlink?
Boris: Vat else? We steal secret formula.
(Lucy and Renee are filming a scene. Standing behind the camera are two guests of the New Zealand film commission. One is short and spunky, the other is tall and stoopid. They are...aw, you know by now who they are.)
Gabrielle: Xena, what are going to do? We're surrounded by 127 evildoers that want to nail our hides to the nearest tree.
Xena (yawns): Don't worry, Gabrielle. I won't even have to break into a sweat to take care of these clods.
Bullwinkle J. Moose (whispers): Hey, Rock, that reminds me. Didja ever notice that no matter how much fightin' Xener does she never sweats?
Rocket J. Squirrel: Shhh!
Gabrielle: Ohh, Xena, please be careful. If something should happen to you I'd simply die.
Xena: C'mere, Gabrielle.
(In a very touching scene Xena and Gabrielle tenderly embrace and start to ki..)
CRUNCH!!
Lucy: What the furk...?
Director: Cut! Cut! Who the hell did that?
(All eyes turn to Bullwinkle and his carrot.)
Rocky: Golly, Bullwinkle. Now look what ya did. You ruined the scene.
Bullwinkle: Sorry, Rock. I wuz gettin' hungry.
Director: Hey you! You, with the stupid ears! Get your ass outta here. Security!
Bullwinkle: Thery're not...ears. They're...antlers.
(Rocky and Bullwinkle are thrown off the set.)
Lucy: These bloody Yanks are getting weirder by the minute.
Bullwinkle: The nerve of it all. On our own show too!
Rocky (sadly): Well I guess it's back to Frostbite Falls for us.
Natasha: Boris! Ess moose and squirrel.
Boris: #+$$#**)(%**&^^>%&#!!!
Natasha: Boris, this ees family show. You vant our rating changed?
Boris: Sorry, Natasha. Ess just everywhere we go we run into idiot moose and meddling squirrel. Come ve must find alternate route to secret formula.
(As Boris and Natasha have been watching Rocky and Bullwinkle, so too have they been watched. Four eyes and nothing else visible gawk at the villains from behind Lucy's new car. They are the moon men, Gidney and Cloyd.)
Gidney: Ya hear that, Cloyd? They're after the secret formula too.
Cloyd (grinning): Ya want me to scrooch 'em, Gidney?
Gidney: Not yet, Cloyd. We don't know where the secret formula is. We'll follow them and let 'em do all the work. When they find it then---
Cloyd: I can scrooch 'em?
Gidney: Yes, Cloyd, you can scrooch 'em.
Cloyd: Good idea. No wonder you're the smart one.
Gidney: Thanks, Cloyd.
(Moon men become visible.)
Bullwinkle: Gosh, Rock. Look!
Rocky: It's Gidney and Cloyd, the moon men. Hey, fellas, over here!
(Gidney and Cloyd float over to Rocky and Bullwinkle.)
Gidney: Hi, boys. Long time no see.
Bullwinkle: Yuh, not since we were cancelled 'bout 35 years ago.
Rocky: What are you guys doin' here, anyway?
Gidney: We're after the secret formula.
Bullwinkle: But ya already got the rocket fuel formula...
Gidney: Not THAT formula, Bullwinkle. That was a different episode, remember?
Bullwinkle: I try to stay from rememberin', it hurts my head.
Gidney: The formula we're after this time is the Insta-tan formula.
Rocky and Bullwinkle: Insta-tan?
Cloyd: That's right. Can I tell 'em, Gidney? Huh? Can I?
Gidney (sighs): Oh very well.
Cloyd: Well, some of our lab boys discovered that if you mix moon juice with formula LL32968-21571ROC it yields something so rare we're not even supposed to mention it. Our spies tell us it's the exact formula for Insta-tan.
Bullwinkle: C'mon, you can tell us. What do you get when you cross moon juice with formula LL32...uh, whatever it was you said.
Gidney: Formula LL32968-21571ROC.
Bullwinkle: Yuh, that one.
Cloyd (looks about stealthily): Well it seems you get...(whispers) Lunar toe jam.
Rocky and Bullwinkle: Lunar toe jam!?
Gidney and Cloyd: Shhhh!
Bullwinkle: Ugh!
Rocky: Golly, what do you do with...
Gidney: Shhh!
Rocky: It.
Gidney: Ya see, Rocky, most moon people can't form their own--it--and the ones that can are held in high esteem.
Cloyd: Yep. And they sort of tend to look down upon us unfortunate ones that can't. (Cloyd holds up foot and wiggles toes. No toe jam.) See what I mean?
Rocky (rubbing chin): I see.
Gidney: So if we can produce--it--artificially, Rocky, everybody will be equal again.
Rocky: I sure wish we could solve our problems that easily.
(The boys' conversation is cut short by a shout. It is the guard that Boris conked.)
Guard: Hey, you! Didja happen to see a tall, dark haired woman and a short, ugly guy around?
Rocky: Uhh, nooo.
Guard: Well if ya do let me...(He notices moon men.) Say, who let you guys in here?
Gidney (points to Rocky): We're with him.
Guard: Oh no you're not! I saw the pass list. (He approached the moon men.) You guys are comin' with...
Cloyd: Now, Gidney?
Gidney: Now, Cloyd.
(Cloyd draws his scrooch gun. BZZZZTT!! He scrooches guard.)
Rocky: Golly.
Gidney: We better hurry, Rocky, before Boris finds that formula.
Lucy: Gawd, am I tired.
(Suddenly she hears strange voices outside.)
Lucy: Noww what?
(She steps outside and spies a very short man holding a very big Luger.)
Boris: Hold it right there, stretch.
Lucy: Who the 'ell are you?
Boris: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Boris Badenov, professional villain, at your service.
Lucy: If you don't leave right now, I'm calling security.
Boris: Meh heh heh heh. We already take care of security.
Lucy: What do you want? An autograph? A picture? Me to do my yell?
Natasha: We vant the formula, dahlink.
Lucy: Formula? What formula?
Boris: Don't play games with us, capitalist. The formula for Insta-tan, of course.
Natasha: That secret tanning cream you developed.
Lucy: You two are daft. That's just some stuff our makeup people threw together to give us that "bronzed look".
Boris: Likely story. Come on, give us formula. (Looks at watch.) We got nine o' clock U-boat to catch.)
(Rocky, Bullwinkle and the moon men rush around the corner and run straight into Lucy, Boris, and Natasha.)
Rocky: Hokey smokes! They've got Lucy.
Bullwinkle: This looks bad, Rock.
Rocky: Maybe not. If I can get airborne maybe I can distract Boris long enough for you and the moon men to rescue Lucy.
Bullwinkle: Good thinkin', Rock!
Rocky: Alleyyy
Bullwinkle: Oooop!
Narrator: And with that the moose gathered up the plucky squirrel and heaved him into the air. Little did Rocky realize that Bullwinkle had just had his contact lenses changed and still wasn't quite used to them. This resulted in the moose's vision being thrown off. Instead of heaving the squirrel high up in the air Bullwinkle pitched him straight as an arrow into the side of Lucy's trailer.
WHAM!
Rocky: Ohhh, my head.
Bullwinkle: Sorry 'bout that Rock. I forgot about them new contact lenses.
Boris: Vell vell the gang's all here. (Points Luger at guys.) Steek 'em up!
Cloyd: Now, Gidney?
Gidney: Now, Cloyd.
(Cloyd draws his scrooch gun and zaps Boris and Natasha. Nothing happens.)
Gidney: What happened?
Cloyd (shakes gun): I don't know.
Gidney: Maybe the battery is going bad.
(Cloyd opens up scrooch gun, removes one size D Duracell battery, and holds it between his fingers.)
Cloyd: No it's not the battery.
Boris: Ees not the gun, fellows. Eet's this. (Boris opens up his coat to reveal a red vest.)
Rocky: Hokey smokes! It's a...
Boris: That's right, squirrel. Ees anti-scrooch vest. Natasha and I both are vearing them.
Natasha: I vould show you mine, dahlink, but modesty prevails.
Lucy: But how did you know you were going to get scrooched?
Boris: (removes sheaf of papers from his pocket) Silly girl. I read script.
Lucy: That is the most vile, despicable, underhanded piece of knavery I have ever seen.
Boris (wipes away tear): Sort of gets you right here, (Pounds chest.) doesn't it? Now if you don't mind, sveetheart, (Advances on Lucy.) the formula.
Narrator: Well you're just in time to witness what looks to be a very unhappy ending. Is Lucy going to get... What's that? It's not over yet. Oh. Never mind, folks.)
Boris: Stoopid narrator. I take care of you later. Now vhere was I? Oh, yes. Give me that formula or I'll...
Voice: Not so fast, asshole!
Lucy: Renee!
Renee (snarling): That's right. And where I come from we don't cotton to commie bastards holding guns on our TV heroes.
Boris: Meh heh heh heh. And just vat do you plan to do about it, Keedo? Zis vest is not only scrooch proof but bullet proof, bomb proof, and water resistant as vell. And ess also wash and wear.
Renee: Ha ha ha. Big shit. Can it protect ya from....this! (Renee jerks out giant ink eraser.)
Natasha: Boris, look! Eets...
Renee: I'm gonna rub ya out, see?
Boris: Run, Natasha! Run!
(Boris and Natasha split.)
Bullwinkle: Whew! That was a close one.
Rocky: Golly, Renee, you're a hero.
Renee (hugs Lucy): Nah, I'm not a hero. I just play one on TV.
Gidney: So there is no secret formula then?
Lucy: No, sorry.
Cloyd (sadly): Ya mean we can't make toe jam?
Renee: Oh, is that all you want? (She writes a few notes on a piece of paper and hands it to Cloyd.) There, you follow that recipe and you'll have all the toe jam you want.
Gidney: Ya mean it?
Renee: Absolutely.
(Suddenly a voice is screaming from behind.)
Rob Tapert: What the hell is going on here, Lucy? Who are these people?
Lucy: There my friends, Rob.
Tapert: Friends? You don't have any friends unless they're cleared with me first, you understand? Just remember, I made you, Missy, and I can break you too. From now on you don't...
Cloyd: Now, Lucy?
Lucy: Now, Cloyd.
(BZZZTT!! Cloyd scrooches Tapert.)
Gidney: How long didja scrooch him for, Cloyd?
Cloyd (looks at setting on gun): Ten years, Gidney.
Lucy: Ten years huh? Hmmm. Ya know, Cloyd, you're kinda cute. (She tickles him under his chin and Cloyd turns whatever color green and red make.)
Rocky: By the way, Renee, what was that recipe you gave the moon men for?
Renee: Why moon pie, of course.
Narrator: And so, once again all is well. Tune in again next week for our next thrilling episode.."Rocky Does Dallas" or "Leonard Goes to Jail!"