I Found My Heart in
Osmosis
A gradual,
often unconscious process of absorption or learning
By SX Meagher
Part One
“Hmm hmm hmm hmm,
hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm—”
“What are you
humming?”
“Are you awake,
baby?” Jamie Evans moved the thick, dark hair aside and kissed the nape of her
lover’s neck. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“Huh-uh. I can feel
when you start to wake up. It’s automatic.” Ryan O’Flaherty rolled onto her
back and wrapped Jamie in a loose embrace. “We’re on the same wavelength.”
Jamie smiled at her
and kissed the tip of her nose. “Sail Away.”
“Uhm … okay. Can I
take a shower first?”
“That’s what I was
humming.”
“Ooo. Sing it for
me. Sounds pretty.”
“I don’t know all
the words. But I was singing the bit I do know all night long. Do you ever do
that?”
“Uh-huh. Especially
if I hear something right before I go to bed.”
“I didn’t hear
this, but it’s appropriate. I think it came to me because of our … whatever we
had last night.”
She could feel
Ryan’s body grow tense, and Jamie winced at the reaction. “I had a nuclear
meltdown,” Ryan said flatly. “My best friend on the team thinks I beat you, and
we have to pay for a new chair that we’ll never sit in. And if you tell me how
much the hotel’s gonna charge you for the chair, I’ll probably have another
fit.”
Jamie began to
gently rub Ryan’s belly, an act that usually served to relax her. But it didn’t
take long to see the technique wasn’t working today. “You didn’t have a fit or
a meltdown. Well, maybe you had a meltdown, but it was a good one.”
Ryan’s voice was
nearly a growl. “Meltdowns aren’t good.”
“If they melt down
some of the barriers you’ve been putting up they can be very good.”
Her tone filled
with self-loathing, Ryan asked, “Is that why you’ve got a song about sailing
away from me in your head?”
Lifting up on one
elbow, Jamie reached out and grasped Ryan’s chin with her free hand, forcing
their eyes to meet. “Don’t go to that dark place again. I’m not thinking about
getting away from you. I was thinking about how it feels after a storm.” Her
eyes were fiery when she said, “Stay with me. We were in a good place when we
went to sleep. Don’t let that go.”
Ryan blinked
slowly, then nodded almost imperceptibly. “Sorry. My new baseline is
self-hatred.”
“I know that, honey,
and that’s something you have to work through. But I’m not gonna participate in
it any more. I don’t hate one thing about you. Not one thing.”
“I find that hard
to believe. I’m not the same person I was when we met. It only makes sense that
you’d feel different about me.”
She spent a few
moments letting Ryan’s words really sink in, then spent a few more thinking of
her response. The delay made Ryan’s body become even more rigid, but Jamie
didn’t rush to reassure her. She’d learned that her opinion about Ryan wasn’t
what mattered. It was Ryan’s opinion of herself that was the crux of the
problem. “Do you wanna hear the unvarnished truth?”
Eyes wide, Ryan
looked at her, and Jamie could see the child-like fright glowing in her eyes.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t feel the same way I did when we
met.”
Ryan’s eyes closed
for a second, and Jamie was fairly sure she was holding back tears.
Jamie continued. “I
didn’t know you well, and I only had the image you project to work with. I
thought you were pretty and cool and smart and amazingly self-confident. No,
more than that … self-involved.”
A derisive laugh
echoed through the room. “Had you fooled.”
“Yeah,” Jamie said
softly. “You did. You’re not self-involved at all.”
Ryan’s head turned
sharply and she searched Jamie’s eyes. “What’s that mean?”
“It means what it
sounds like. You care much more about everyone else than you do yourself.
That’s part of the reason you’re such a good partner. But it’s also part of the
reason you get so down on yourself.”
“I only get down on
myself when I deserve it,” Ryan muttered.
Jamie lay back
down, knowing this would take a while. “Fine. Tell me why you deserve to be
treated so poorly. What terrible thing have you done?”
Sighing, Ryan said,
“I haven’t done anything terrible. I’m just not myself. I’ve lost my confidence
and I’m not as self-sufficient as I used to be. I don’t even feel … sexy any
more. I just feel … hollow.”
“You’re not always
like that,” Jamie reminded her. “You forget the good days when you have a bad
one. And you forget the happy ending when you have a bad beginning. Yes, you
threw a fit yesterday, but we had such a nice time after you cleared some of
that muck out of your head. But you wake up today and can only think about the
beginning.”
“I acted like an
asshole!” Ryan’s voice bounced off the walls, and Jamie was afraid the
neighbors would hear her again. “How can you ignore the facts?”
Jamie sat up and rested
her elbows on her knees, her repositioning giving her a few seconds to think of
her reply. “I don’t ignore the facts. You’re the one who has a selective
memory.”
Ryan blinked at
her, obviously unaccustomed to being spoken to so frankly.
“We agreed to be
more vulnerable. I rushed things by telling you something I was deeply ashamed
of. I hit you below the belt, baby, and I never should have done that. I don’t
have a reason in the world for worrying about your being faithful, and last
night wasn’t the time to tell you about my baseless fears.”
“It was on your
mind. You should be able to tell me anything on your mind and not be worried
about my breaking a chair into kindling.”
“Fine. Let’s agree
to disagree on that. But after you vented we had a good talk and we resolved
some things. But now you act like that last part didn’t happen. That’s your
selective memory. You hold onto the bad things and let the good things fly
right out of your mind.”
“It’s …” Ryan
roughly rubbed her face with her hands. “It’s like an earthquake. If something
gets high enough on the Richter scale it sticks with me. That tantrum last
night was about a 7.0. You don’t forget 7.0’s very quickly.”
“You can forget
them, Ryan. Especially if you don’t feel like you created them. You’ve got to
learn how to let go of things, baby. You just have to.”
“Easier said than
done.”
“I know. But you
can learn how. Therapy can help.”
“Ugh. I truly hate
therapy. It’s like paying someone to hit you with a switch.”
“That’s a matter of
perspective. I agree that it’s hard sometimes, but it’s also freeing. At least
it can be—if you’re honest and talk about things before they explode on you.”
Ryan fidgeted a
little, and her voice was tense when she said, “I told you I’d go. See if Anna
has any ideas of who to go to. But if I go to see someone on my own, I’m
quitting the group. I can’t take three hours of being stretched on the rack.”
Jamie laughed
softly. “If someone convinced you that being stretched on a rack would make you
faster or stronger you’d do it in a second!”
“Well, yeah. But
nothing good happens in therapy.”
Jamie blew out a
breath and grumbled. “I’m gonna act like you’re kidding. Then I won’t have to
slap you.”
Wrapping her in a
hug, Ryan said, “I was. Sorta.”
‘That’s what I
thought. It’s the sorta that freaks me out. But I know you’ll give it your
best. You always do.”
Ryan maneuvered her
hand to take a peek at her watch. “I’d better get shakin’. Breakfast starts in ten
minutes.”
“Don’t you wanna
hear the lyrics I was singing?”
“Oh! Sure. Can you
sing the song?”
“No. I just know
little pieces. But the lines I kept singing were, ‘We’ll glide over tears, the
saltiest sea, beyond all our fears back to you and me. After the darkness,
after the gray and into the sun we shall sail away. Yes, into the sun we shall
sail away.’”
Ryan looked up at
her face, then slowly traced her features with a finger. “You have such a
pretty voice. I could listen to you sing for hours.”
Looking a little
embarrassed, Jamie said, “Uhm … thanks. I don’t sing as well as you do, so I’m
always a little hesitant.”
“Who’s the idiot
who says you don’t sing well?”
“Uhm … me?”
“Ha! I’d say you
had a tin ear, but if you did you couldn’t sing well. So we’ll have to chalk
this up to a lack of self-confidence. You’d better talk about this in therapy!”
“God, you’re
funny,” Jamie said, not breaking a smile.
“You think you can
hold out. But I can make you smile.”
“Can not.”
Ryan pushed her
down and climbed on top of her, then set about making the most ridiculous faces
Jamie had ever seen. She managed to contort her lovely face into some
configurations that would have made Caitlin cry, and it didn’t take many of
them to make Jamie smile, then laugh. “Stop! I’m gonna have nightmares!”
“Kiss me,” Ryan
said, her mouth at a strange angle and her nostrils flaring.
“No way! Get that
ugly mug away from me!”
“Come on, kiss me!”
Ryan burrowed underneath Jamie’s hands, getting to her chin, where she delivered
some wet, sloppy kisses.
“Ahh! Gross!”
“Come on,” Ryan
said, sliding off Jamie to get to her feet. “I’ll wash the slobber off you.”
“You’re worse than
Duffy!” Jamie wiped at her wet face with both hands.
“Gruuuuuf!”
Ryan bent over and
started to snuffle at various spots on Jamie’s naked body, sending the giggling
woman towards the safety of the bathroom. “Get that wet muzzle off me!”
Grabbing her just
before she reached the door, Ryan trapped one of Jamie’s thighs between her own
and started to hump her, looking just like Duffy did when he caught a weaker
dog and wanted to show him he was dominant.
“Stop humping me!”
Jamie shouted, trying to wriggle out of Ryan’s grasp.
There was a quiet
knock on the door and Jamie gave Ryan a murderous look. “If that’s security …”
She went into the bathroom and grabbed a towel, wrapping herself in it. Looking
out the peephole, she saw Jackie, once again looking uncomfortable. Opening the
door, she smiled and theatrically said, “Yes?”
“Uhm … breakfast?”
“We’re just getting
in the shower.”
“Okay. Tell Ryan
I’ll see her downstairs. Coach wants us there on time.” She looked down for a
second, then shyly met Jamie’s eyes. “Everything okay? I heard some noises.”
Ryan’s voice called
out, “If you’re gonna come investigate every time Jamie squeals, you’d better
just stay in our room.”
“No thanks!” Jackie
said, looking relieved. “I don’t know what you people do to each other, but I
don’t think my heart could take it.”
“Don’t rush to
judgment,” Ryan said, “Jamie used to be on your team.”
Jackie looked
surprised. “Really?” She looked to Jamie for confirmation.
“Yeah. It’s been
just about a year since I went over to the dark side.”
“Wow, you must’ve
caught on quick.”
“She’s a natural,”
Ryan called out. “Now close the damned door so we can get a shower!”
“See you
downstairs, O. And hurry up!”
Jamie closed the
door and went into the bathroom where Ryan was adjusting the shower. “You’re
being very playful today. I thought you might feel uncomfortable around
Jackie.”
“I do,” Ryan said.
“But that’s how I get over it … with jocks.”
Ryan was in such a
vulnerable position that Jamie couldn’t resist giving her butt a slap. “You
know, I’m on a varsity sport, too. Why don’t you treat me like a jock?”
“I could, but I
don’t think you’d like it. Lots of towel snapping and wrapping you up in
athletic tape and throwing you into a whirlpool filled with ice. Nothing very
romantic.”
Jamie wasn’t sure which
of Ryan’s tales were accurate or heavily embellished, but she decided she
wouldn’t care to be treated to an ice bath. “Okay. You can continue to think of
me like a girl.”
“Mmm,” Ryan said,
popping a hard nipple into her mouth. “I like girls.”
***
Mia Christopher sat
at the table in her spacious, nearly empty kitchen, idly stirring her coffee
while reading the San Francisco Chronicle. She’d finished breakfast—a bowl of
the same health-saturated granola that
She craved a latte,
but had trained herself to settle for coffee. It wasn’t her favorite, but now
that she didn’t have a charge card and a doting, bill-paying father, she was
careful with her money. It was hard for her to justify a $4.00 latte for
breakfast, especially since she’d have one later in the day if she went to her
local espresso shrine to read. The latte tax was high, but she refused to be
one of those people who took up a table and didn’t buy anything. So she nursed
her coffee and tried not to feel a little ache of longing when she read that
the Bay Area was shrouded with fog. A quick look out the window in the living
room confirmed that the
Realizing that she
was perversely longing for foul weather, she got up and washed the few dishes
they’d dirtied, then went into their bedroom and neatened it. There wasn’t much
to do, since
***
It was fairly warm,
so Mia dressed in a fleece top and jeans, adding her tall shearling boots.
She’d found that their apartment was cool even when it was 60 degrees, so she’d
taken to bundling up no matter the weather. Her favorite bookstore didn’t open
until 10:00, and
***
At 11:00 someone
rang the doorbell. Mildly annoyed, Mia looked at the door, then went right back
to her book. It took a while to get comfortable on the floor, and once she was
in a good position she didn’t like to move. And she’d learned that the only
visitors they ever received were magazine salespeople and the odd election
worker. But the person at the door was determined, and after the bell had been
rung three times she got up, cursing softly; ready to give whomever it was a
lesson in manners.
Peering out the
peephole, she let out a gasp, sure that the person on the other side of the
door was her mother. But that realization didn’t help her body, which was
completely unsure of what to do. It wasn’t until Anna Lisa started to walk back
down the stairs that Mia flung the door open. “Mom!” She ran down the few
stairs and lunged for her mother, grabbing her recklessly and pinning her
against the wrought-iron railing.
Anna Lisa kissed
her cheeks, murmuring, “My sweet girl.” They were both crying while they hugged
and kissed each other repeatedly. Once the first flush of emotion had quelled,
Mia pulled back and led her mother into the apartment. But instead of
continuing their tearful reunion, Anna Lisa stopped abruptly and said, “Oh, my
dear God, don’t tell me you’re living here!”
Stung, Mia stepped
away and glared at her mother. “Did you come here to bitch at me? You could do
the same thing from Hillsborough … if you cared enough to call!” She started to
turn and go to her room, but realized how silly that would be. This was her apartment, and if anyone were to
leave, it would be her mother. Standing as tall as she could, Mia folded her
arms over her chest. “You can stay if you treat me like a human. But if you’re
gonna yell at me … go.” She emphasized her last word with as much cold
disregard as she could manage, even though part of her wanted to run to her
mother and lose herself in her embrace.
“I wish I didn’t have to yell at you! I wish you’d act like an adult!” Anna Lisa looked
around the bare room, her eyes roving over the drab pillows on the floor. “An
adult wouldn’t live in some kind of … flop house!”
Mia marched to the
door and yanked it open. “Leave.”
“What? You wouldn’t
dare!”
Mia steeled her
nerves against the impulses that urged her to hold onto her mother and feel the
love that she knew was hidden under the hurtful words. But she held firm.
“Leave my house. You can’t come in here and insult me.”
There was a
firmness to her voice that clearly stunned Anna Lisa. She closed her mouth and
didn’t even attempt to speak. There was a moment or two of electric silence,
then Anna Lisa said, “I’m sorry.”
Mia gaped at her,
not able to remember her mother ever apologizing for anything. “Are you
really?”
Anna Lisa nodded.
“Yes. I didn’t come this far to argue with you.” Her chin quivered, then her
body began to shake. “I miss you so much,” she whimpered as tears began to flow
again.
Instantly, Mia was
holding her, and they cried again, sniffling and wiping their eyes while they
clung to each other. “Why do we fight like this? I hate it. I hate it!”
“I do too.” Anna
Lisa fumbled in her purse and found a packet of tissues. She wiped her eyes
while Mia fished out a tissue for herself and did the same. “I can’t explain
it, but I love you so much … that sometimes I can’t control myself. I have to
make you come to your senses!”
Reaching out to
grasp her mother’s shoulders, Mia held her at arm’s length. “You can’t do that,
Mom. No matter what I do … you can’t make me think differently or act
differently. I’m an adult now. Even when you don’t agree with me … I’m an
adult. You’ve got to let me make my own choices or we can’t have a
relationship.”
Blinking, Anna Lisa
started to cry again. “You’d turn your back on me? Knowing how much I love
you?”
Her heart was
thudding in her chest, and she thought she might be sick, but Mia nodded
slowly. “I’d have to. I wouldn’t ever want to … but I’d have to.”
“How can you say
that to me? I’m your mother!”
Mia released her,
but kept her gaze fixed on her mother’s dark eyes. “I love you and Dad more
than you’ll ever know, but I have to live my own life. I have to make my own
decisions. If I let you make them … I’ll blame you if they don’t go well.
That’s not how I want to live.” She wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. “I miss
you so much, Mom, but I can’t go on like we have been.”
Anna Lisa looked as
stunned as Mia had ever seen her. She also looked so deeply wounded that Mia’s
heart hurt from seeing her expression. “What are you talking about? What have I
done that’s so wrong?”
“It’s not you,” Mia
said, trying to remove every bit of blame or judgment from her voice. “It’s us.
We’re too much alike. We both get too emotional and start yelling at each
other.”
Making a dismissive
gesture, Anna Lisa said, “That’s nothing! It all blows over in a few minutes.”
“Not for me it
doesn’t. You hurt me more than I’ve ever been hurt. And I keep replaying what
you said to me in my head. And if things had blown over for you, you would have
called me before now.”
Dropping her
shoulders, Anna Lisa scanned the apartment again. “Is there anywhere to sit?
I’m exhausted.”
“In the kitchen.”
They walked into
the kitchen and both sat down. “Do you want something?” Mia asked. “I could
make a fresh pot of coffee.”
“No, no, don’t get
up. I’ve had too much coffee already.” Anna Lisa sat still for a few moments,
then gazed at her daughter. “Are you here because you want to be, or are you
doing this just to punish me?”
Unable to stop a
derisive laugh, Mia shook her head. “I know I’ve done a lot of stupid things,
but I wouldn’t fake being in love with someone just to piss you off.”
“That’s not what I
meant and you know it.” The snappish quality was back in Anna Lisa’s voice. “I
meant coming here … dropping out of school … cutting yourself off from us.”
Holding up her
hand, Mia ticked off her answers. “One, I didn’t drop out of school. I’m going
to finish on time. Two, I didn’t cut myself off from you. You cut yourselves
off from me. And three, I came here because I love
Cocking her head,
Anna Lisa asked, “Dramatic?”
“Yeah. When you
told me that you weren’t going to pay for my living expenses any more I got
crazy. It was overly dramatic of me to pack up and leave.”
“Thank God you see
that now!”
“Unh-uh,” Mia said.
“I agree that I shouldn’t have been so rash, but I’m glad I came. I’m doing
really well with my course work and I’m being a good partner for
With a puzzled
look, Anna Lisa asked, “Who makes sure she eats well?”
“You don’t have to
look so shocked,” Mia said, a little snappishness coming back to her voice.
“Jamie’s walked me through a bunch of things I can make. I admit I suck at
doing anything interesting, but you’ve got to admit you never let me do a thing
in the kitchen.”
“You never asked!”
“I most certainly
did!” The volume was rising, but Mia felt powerless to stop. “When I was little
I always wanted to help. You always told me that I was too little and cooking
was too hard for a child.”
“It is! It was! A
five-year-old can’t make a decent ragu!”
Mia slapped her
hands onto the table. “This is nuts! We’re arguing about things that happened
fifteen years ago!”
“Then don’t blame
me because you can’t cook. I would have loved some help in the kitchen.”
“I refuse to argue
about this. The facts are that Nonna won’t let you do a thing when you visit
her and you won’t let me do a thing at our house. That’s just how you are.”
“Nonna taught me
how to cook when I got married,” Anna Lisa said. “That’s how we do things.”
“Fine. You can
teach me now. Jordan and I would marry in an instant if we could. She’s your …
daughter-in-law.”
“She’s no such
thing. You can’t get married, and even if you could … you’re not mature enough.
You’re still a child, Mia, and you prove that by doing childish things.” She
looked around the room. “This apartment is the best indication of that. What
would cause you two to pick such an awful place?”
Her inclination was
to snap off a smart remark, but Mia didn’t give in. “I know this is a dump. But
“Four!” Anna Lisa
stood up and started to walk down the hall. Every door was open, and she looked
into each mostly-bare room, shaking her head and mumbling. When she reached the
end of the hall, Mia pointed into her and
“This is how you
live when you don’t have money.
“You have a lovely
home in
“No, she wouldn’t.
But it’s a moot point because I wouldn’t take advantage of her that way. I
wouldn’t sponge off my best friend just because my parents were being
unreasonable.”
Anna Lisa brushed
by her on the way back to the kitchen. “It’s not unreasonable to expect your
daughter to act like herself. I wouldn’t support your living in a cult or
joining the French Foreign Legion either.”
When they’d both
sat down, Mia stared at her mother for a little while, her eyes narrowed in
thought. “I don’t know how to prove to you that I love
“And by support …
you mean paying for you to do something we disapprove of.”
“Nope. I don’t want
your money.” Mia leaned back in her chair and met her mother’s eyes. “I think
we’ll be better off if I support myself. Besides, if you’re not truly
supportive … I’d rather you didn’t fake it. All I want is to have a
relationship with you and Dad again. That’s it.”
“And you’ll stay
here … in this boarding house?”
“Uh-huh. Until we
decide we can afford something better. Obviously, we’re paying next to nothing
to live here. But if I get a job, we’ll be able to move someplace nicer. Once
we decide what our travel schedule is, I’ll be able to look for work.”
“Traveling? Why are
you traveling?”
Mia paused for a
second before she answered. Slowly, she explained once more. “
“
“Yes,
“Who’s paying for
that?”
“
“That must be a lot
of money! Why not use that money to get a nicer apartment? And some furniture!”
“Because
Anna Lisa put her
head in her hands and groaned. “Is this some sort of hero-worship thing you
have going on? Do you wish you were on
this team?”
Mia grasped her
mother’s arm and pulled it from her face. “I’m … in … love. That’s all there is
to it. I love
A long minute
passed while Anna Lisa stared at her daughter, her feelings masked behind her
puzzled expression. “There are a lot of things I don’t understand about young
women, and this … experimenting with homosexuality is one of them. I’ve been
doing some reading, and it seems like this is a nationwide fad. I just can’t
imagine why this appeals to you girls. When I was your age …” She shook her
head, looking totally confused as well as frustrated. “I can’t even imagine
what would have become of a girl who not only played around with other girls …
but wasn’t even ashamed of it!”
“Would that make
you happy?” Mia jumped to her feet, looking like she was going to throw something
… possibly a punch. “Would you like it better if I was ready to hang myself
because of these disgusting urges?”
“Calm down!” Anna
Lisa shouted. “I didn’t say it was disgusting. Especially not if that’s the
only thing you know. If you’d been a little tom-boy who never looked at a boy
I’d understand better. But you’re not like that!” She growled with frustration,
then slapped her hands on the table. “I spent hours pulling you off boys. You
were always trying to go too far … right under my roof! You can’t tell me you
were acting when you had some boy on his back on my good sofa, looking like you
were going to mount him at any second!”
“I wasn’t acting!”
She kicked the nearest cabinet and whirled around in a tight circle, feeling
like she’d explode. “I like having sex with men! But I also like having sex
with women. I like them both … a lot. And I’ve had enough experience to know
what really satisfies me. And I know …” She leaned over and put her hands flat
on the table, resting her weight on them while she glared at her mother. “That
no one has ever pleased me like
Acting as though
she hadn’t heard a word, Anna Lisa shook her head and looked away. “Is
“What in the hell
are you talking about?”
“Your story about
delaying law school was just that, wasn’t it? A story? Something you told us to
placate us? Something you came up with so you could follow
“No, it wasn’t. And
we don’t have the kind of relationship where one of us makes the decisions.
We’ll each have time to do what we want, and her time is now.”
“But it wasn’t a
story,” Anna Lisa said, her suspicion obvious.
“I didn’t know all
of the facts when I told you that. I wasn’t aware that
“A what?”
“Quadrennial.
That’s what they call the four years leading up to the next Olympics. She might
want to play in 2004. She’s pretty excited about being able to play in
“And you’d … what?”
“We’re not sure.
There’s nothing very concrete about being a world-class athlete. A thousand
things could happen to make her stick with this or leave. One of her teammates
is playing in her fourth Olympics. That’s sixteen years.”
“Oh, my God! Don’t
tell me
Mia shrugged. “She
might. And if she does, I want to be there for her. This isn’t just a whim for
her. She’s worked for this since she was a little girl.”
“And her dream has
to be yours?”
Nodding, Mia said,
“Yep. When you fall in love with someone who has a dream, you have to do your
best to help her realize it. It’s not really love if you don’t.”
Anna Lisa sighed
and closed her eyes. After a moment, she looked at Mia and stroked her cheek,
her expression full of tenderness. “This isn’t what I want for you.”
Mia covered her
mother’s hand with her own. “I know that. But it’s what I want.
Picking up Mia’s
other hand, Anna Lisa kissed it tenderly, then clutched it to her heart for a
moment, clearly struggling with her emotions. “Where is this woman?”
Mia glanced at the
clock on the stove. “She should be home soon. She took my car so she could come
straight home. The other women stay at the facility to eat the free food.”
“What do you have
for her to eat?”
“Uhm … nothing. I
was going to go to the grocery store when she got home.”
Anna Lisa stood. “I
have a rental car. Let’s go now.”
Mia looked up at
her. “Now?”
“You have a job, right?
How are you going to feed her if you don’t have food in the house?”
Stunned, Mia stood
and gamely followed her mother out of the apartment, then dashed back in and
left a note for
Hi, babe.
Big surprise. My mom’s here. We went to the store. Be back soon.
Love you!
Me
***
When Mia opened the
door to the apartment, she heard the blow dryer in the bathroom. “She just took
a shower,” she said to her mother. “She does that here so she’s home sooner.”
“I’ll put the
groceries away,” Anna Lisa said. “You can go tell her that I’m not carrying a
weapon.”
“I don’t know that
you’re not!” Mia wrinkled her nose and took off down the hall.
Without knocking,
she flung the door open, making
“It’s just me.” Mia
wrapped her arms around
“Is your mother
here?”
“Yeah. She’s in the
kitchen.”
“Then why are you
so … normal?”
Pulling away, Mia
sat on the edge of the tub. “I’m not sure. We have had a few arguments, but she
seems like she wants to make peace. It was her idea to go to the store so we
could get something ready for your lunch.”
“Yeah. It feels
weird, but … also kinda normal. I’m … I’m not sure how I feel yet, but it’s
going okay so far. She really wants to meet you.”
“I wanna meet her,
too, but I’m a little worried about doing it in the kitchen.”
Mia stood and
patted
***
It took a very,
very long time for
Wiping her hands on
a towel, Anna Lisa shook
“Yeah. It is.”
“We’re making your
lunch,” Anna Lisa said. “I’ve never had tofu. Do you really like it?”
Still smiling,
Scoffing, Anna Lisa
said, “That’s no way to go through life! Food is one of the most wonderful
things we have.”
“I agree, and I
love to eat good food. My nutritionist just has some firm rules. I’m doing my
best to stick with them.”
“I don’t know if
what I’m trying will be edible, but when Mia told me how you were limited I
decided to see if I could think of something a little bit different. You must
be going mad!”
“Sit down,” Anna
Lisa insisted. “You must be tired.”
“Call me Anna Lisa.
And, yes, I did. Early this morning.”
“Uhm … staying
long?”
Anna Lisa looked
over her shoulder and smiled at
“Oh! I didn’t mean
anything by that. I just don’t know … uhm … anything.”
“My visit was a
surprise. I was moping around the house yesterday and decided this has gone on
long enough.”
“What has?”
Anna Lisa turned
and put her arm around Mia, who was standing next to her. “No, I’m not here to
drag my little girl home … although I wish I could.”
“Mom!” Mia scowled
at her.
“I’m being honest.
I wish I could take your hand and bring you home. But … I can’t. And I can’t
bear to have this distance between us. So … you win. I’m going to try to keep
my mouth shut and let you make your own decisions.”
“I’ve been fine,”
Mia said, scowling. “But it has been hard to feel like I can’t call home.”
“You can call any
time,” Anna Lisa said. “And I’ll call you every week. I hate the fact that I
can’t put you over my knee and spank you to get you to do what I want, but I
suppose those days are over.”
Mia laughed. “You
didn’t spank me very often, and I’m absolutely sure it never did any good.”
“Maybe not. But it
made me feel like I was doing something! Sometimes you had me at the end of my
rope!”
“I think the last
time you spanked me was when you caught me trying to cross El Camino Real.”
Anna Lisa looked at
“I would have if I
could have!”
“And you didn’t
just hit me with your hand,” Mia said. “When your hand got sore you hit me with
a metal spatula. I thought you were gonna kill me! I should never have let you
catch me in the kitchen.”
Anna Lisa laughed
along with her daughter. “I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police. I
was yelling at you, you were screaming at the top of your lungs … it was
mayhem!”
“It was,” Mia
agreed. “Dad was mad at you for hitting me so hard.”
“I never should
have done that while I was so scared and angry. I think that’s why I never did
it again.” She patted Mia’s butt. “But I think it made an impression.”
“It did. It didn’t
stop me, though. A couple of weeks later, when I knew you weren’t home, I did
it again. I almost got hit by truck, though, so I never did it again.” Mia
started to laugh at the befuddled look on her mother’s face. “You should have
known by then that the best way to get me to do something was to forbid it.”
Chuckling, Anna
Lisa said, “It’s amazing I have one dark hair on my head. This child made me
old before my time!”
“But … she’s so …
easy-going,”
“She doesn’t know
you very well yet,” Anna Lisa said to her daughter. “Poor thing.”
***
The trio ate
together, both Mia and Jordan complimenting Anna Lisa on her experimentation.
“It’s just a Waldorf salad,” she said. “Simple as pie.”
“And everything in
here is on my approved list?”
“Uh-huh. I put the
tofu in the blender with lemon juice and a speck of olive oil to make the
dressing. It isn’t as good as mayonnaise, but it’s not half bad if I do say so
myself.”
“It’s so much
better than a plain green salad,”
“You’re a young
woman,” Anna Lisa said. “And you look like you just stopped growing about ten
minutes ago. You need some fat in your diet. Don’t let people tell you what to
do when it doesn’t make sense. You have to judge things for yourself. Be your
own boss.”
***
After lunch, Mia
suggested going for a drive. “I’ve wanted to do that Gold Belt tour I read
about,” she said. “I think the roads are all clear now. Anyone up for it?”
“Sure,”
“Anything you two
want is fine with me. I’ve never been here before.”
“Neither have we,”
***
They took Mia’s car
after Anna Lisa found out that much of the drive was on gravel roads. “I know
how your mind works, Mia,” her mother said. “But the rental car companies check
for damage, and I’m not paying for a new … whatever the bottom of the car is
called.”
“Oh, they’d have to
get down on the ground to check that. Let’s take the rental and have some fun!”
“Mia!”
“I’m kidding,
honey.” She put her arm around her waist to give her a squeeze, and was only
slightly upset to see her mother turn her head.
***
The scenic drive
gobbled up the entire afternoon. Since none of them had experienced much of the
inherent beauty of
“Uhm …” Mia looked
at
“No, I don’t think
we have. I guess we’re not very good resources.”
“You two have
honestly not been out for a good dinner?”
“No. We eat at
home,” Mia said. “We don’t like to throw our money away.”
“Have you even
heard of any nice places?”
“No. None of the
other women go out, either. We’re all poor.” Mia’s face lit up in a bright
smile. “I know someone who’s not, though.” She pulled her cell phone out of her
jacket and handed it to
“Doesn’t matter.
She’ll know.”
***
As expected, Jamie
made a few recommendations. She had to resort to the Internet to pull it off,
but Mia knew her friend would never disappoint when it came to finding a
restaurant. They decided on a place that specialized in seafood, since that was
“Don’t be silly.
Since when do you even notice how much things cost?”
“Since I have to
pay for them. We try to live on $200 a week.”
The maitre d’hotel
began to lead them to a table, and when they were seated, Anna Lisa said, “You
live on $200 a week?”
“We try to,”
“You only spend
$250 a week?” Anna Lisa gaped. “$250 for food and entertainment?”
“No,” Mia said.
“For everything. Rent, utilities, cell phone, gas, car insurance, food …
everything.”
“You spent more
than that on clothes in
Mia shrugged. “I’m
not going to run through
“But you’re not
doing anything fun! You don’t go out and enjoy this beautiful town!”
“We’ll go out more
now that it’s warm. We can go hiking and do things like that. And there are
things at the university that are really cheap.”
“Mia, I don’t want
you to live like a pauper.” She reached into her purse and took out her wallet.
“I’m giving you back your charge cards.”
But Mia didn’t
reach for them. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I … don’t want to feel
like you’re …” She looked away and shook her head. “It’s not a good idea.”
The waiter came and
delivered water and menus, and before he had taken two steps Anna Lisa said,
“You don’t want to feel like I’m what?”
“Nothing,” Mia
said. She felt
“You have something
to say. Now say it!”
“I don’t want to
argue,” Mia said quietly. “And I don’t want everyone in this place to hear us.”
“Fine,” Anna Lisa
whispered. “Then tell me what’s on your mind.”
Mia shot a look at
“Clean? What does
that mean?”
“It means,” Mia
said, scooting her chair closer to her mother’s, “that we have to learn how to
be more like … friends. If you give me money that gives you a right to say how
I spend it. I don’t want it to be like that again.”
“You’d rather live
in that terrible apartment?”
Mia saw
“But …!”
“Later, Mom. We can
talk later. But I won’t talk about this during dinner. You’re being very
generous and I don’t want to ruin the best meal I’ve had since I’ve been here!”
***
Despite Mia’s
edict, the mood at the table was fairly upbeat. Both she and Jordan raved so
exuberantly over the well-prepared meal that Anna Lisa wasn’t able to stay
angry.
“This is just soooo
good. I don’t know how they kept this salmon so moist without any butter or
oil.”
“You don’t need
anything on a good piece of fish,” Anna Lisa said. “As long as it’s very fresh,
just a little lemon is perfect. Do you have a good fish store?”
“There might be
one, but we don’t go there,” Mia said. “We just go to the local grocery store.
I only buy fish if it’s on sale.”
“It’s on sale
because it’s old! Don’t ever buy fish on sale, honey!”
“It’s the only way
we can afford it, Mom. It’s not spoiled or anything. It’s just usually pretty
boring stuff. Frozen whitefish or turbot. Nothing very exotic.”
Anna Lisa opened
her mouth to speak, then shut it. She turned to
“Oh! Uhm … well,
we’re going to
“That sounds
exciting. How long will you be there?”
“Almost a week …
including two travel days.”
Frowning, Anna Lisa
said, “Only five days then. Well, you can still see a lot in five days.
“I don’t think
we’ll be able to see much, Mom. At least
“But … why?”
“I won’t have any
time,”
“But that won’t
give you any time at all! You’re going all that way just to be in a gym?”
Giving her a
half-smile,
“You honestly don’t
get to do any sight-seeing?”
“Not really. And if
we do … it’s something arranged for us. You know … for publicity. Volleyball is
a big sport in
“What will you do,
Mia?” Anna Lisa asked.
“I’ll look around a
little. But I want to go to
“You’ll be able to
go to some interesting restaurants won’t you? After your games?”
“But … that’s the
point of travel! Doing something different!”
“This isn’t really travel,”
“
“I want you to do
what makes you happy,”
Gazing back into
her eyes, Mia smiled, shaking her head. “You’re not getting rid of me. Even in
“You …” Anna Lisa
make a dismissive gesture with her hand when both women looked at her. “Never
mind. I just hope you both have a good time. Your father and I went to
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll
figure out a way to get a little tourist action in. But
***
On the way back to
their apartment, Anna Lisa said, “Can I talk you into going to church with me
in the morning, honey?”
Mia started to cough,
then it became apparent that she was choking. She pulled over and
“I’ll go if you don’t
want to, Mia,”
Laughing, Mia said,
“My mother hasn’t been to church since I was born!” She turned and stared at
Anna Lisa, who was sitting placidly in the back seat. “What’s going on?”
Her mother shrugged
her shoulders. “I was moping around the house a few weeks ago and had the urge
to go. It’d been a while …”
“A while! You
stopped going before you got married!”
“Like I said,” Anna
Lisa continued, looking at
“You went to Mass?”
Mia asked again.
Anna Lisa laughed.
“Of course not! The Catholic Church could hand out gold bouillon instead of
communion and I wouldn’t step foot into one of those dumps! I went to a nice
Unitarian Universalist church. I don’t know much about it, but it doesn’t even
seem Christian. They don’t mention God.”
“Oh. Well, I guess
I don’t have to call in an exorcist,” Mia chuckled. “I’ll go with you if you’re
sure I don’t have to confess my sins or anything.”
“I’ll go, too,”
“No way! That’s the
last thing you want to do on Sunday morning. That’s your only day to sleep in.”
“I don’t mind.
Really.”
“I’ll go, Mom, but
“How about
breakfast?” Anna Lisa said to
“Great. That’ll be
great,”
Anna Lisa chuckled.
“Now Mia just has to get out the phone book and figure out where the nearest least
Catholic church is!”
***
Mia spent a little
time on the Internet, searching for a church and easy-to-follow directions. She
and Jordan were lying in bed, and she scooted closer when
Turning to look at
her, Mia saw not desire in the clear blue eyes, but utter fatigue. She nodded
and saved the page of directions so she could take another look at it in the
morning. Quickly shutting down her computer, Mia set it on the floor and
shifted so she and Jordan were face to face. She extended her arms, and
“Go to sleep, baby.
You’ve had a long day.” She could tell
“Sure. Sure I am.
There’s nothing to worry about, Jordy. Just close your eyes and sleep.”
“But …”
Mia gazed at her,
finding her stomach doing a flip when she looked into her lover’s eyes.
“Yeah.”
“It’s gonna take me
a little while to think about everything she said and how we interacted. But
that isn’t bad. It’s gonna be good in the long run.” Mia looked into
“Sure?” In seconds,
Mia kissed her
golden hair. “Positive. I want you to sleep for at least ten hours. You’ve got
to let this beautiful body repair itself.” She rubbed her hand along
“Mmm.”
“I love you too,
Jordy.” Mia kissed her forehead, smiling when she could feel
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