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ACT THREE
FADE IN:
EXT. FOREST – MORNING
Xena and her three charges are watching Gabrielle’s camp from a safe distance as they fix a nice breakfast of roasted game bird and potatoes baked in the fire ring.
ESME Boy, that smells good.
PATIA They must have cheated. The Queen must have gotten them that.
Xena turns and shoots a deadly look toward Patia, who winces and takes a step back.
ESME (scowling) The Queen doesn’t cheat, you idiot.
XENA Human nature is to do whatever it takes to win, Esme. You know that, right?
ESME (furrowing brow)
So I was wrong about Queen
Gabrielle? With me, you might have had to worry. But your instincts about Gabrielle were dead on. Being able to trust your gut is important. Good job.
Esme beams under the praise while Patia scowls. Shiri can’t remain silent any longer.
SHIRI I’m hungry.
XENA Should have thought about that when you decided to sleep in this morning.
SHIRI I didn’t....
Xena silences her with another look.
ESME (speculatively) We could attack their camp and take the food.
XENA You can try if you want.
SHIRI Not a good idea?
XENA Not a good idea.
Xena is looking carefully at the perimeter of the camp and she smiles.
XENA (Cont’d) However I think one of you could ‘drop’ in and grab a bite. Come on.
CUT TO:
EXT. GABRIELLE’S CAMP – MORNING
Gabrielle is quite pleased with the offering that her girls have brought for breakfast. She watches with almost motherly affection as they cook the fowl they brought back from the traps they had set the night before.
DORI I can’t believe we did it.
GABRIELLE Well, that’s the first rule of survival. You have to believe in yourself and your abilities. That was one of the first things Xena taught me.
NESHA Sounds like you had a good teacher.
GABRIELLE The best. I hope the girls with her learn something.
JINX I think they’ll learn to be afraid. Be very afraid.
Gabrielle bursts out laughing but it’s short lived when Xena’s battle cry cuts through the air. Gabrielle jumps to her feet looking around for her partner and knowing that her camp is about to be attacked.
GABRIELLE Damn!
Patia seems to fall head first from the trees above, she makes a quick grab and manages to retrieve the bird that had been roasting on the spit, before recoiling back into the trees above, disappearing very quickly. Gabrielle spins and looks up only to get shot right in the center of the chest with a red maker which bursts and runs directly down her top and between her breasts. She gets a disgusted look on her face as she wipes the goo from her skin and flings it away.
GABRIELLE (Cont’d) (yelling into the air) Cute! Very cute!
Her yells are answered by laughter that is disappearing into the forest.
GABRIELLE (Cont’d) That, ladies, was your first lesson in distraction and ambush.
DORI I think they were just being mean.
Nuh uh. They were using their skills. That required strategy and planning and a host of other things that we’re learning out here.
NESHA That’s bad.
GABRIELLE Not for them. But we shouldn’t let it happen again.
DORI & JINX Yeah.
NESHA We can’t just do nothing!
GABRIELLE Attacking without being able to defend is useless. (thoughtfully) Sometimes your opponents are their own worst enemy. And sometimes the best offense is a good defense.
The girls all pause as they absorb Gabrielle’s words. An enormous grin breaks out on Dori’s face and she puts her arms around the other Amazons. They put their heads together and begin to whisper.
CUT TO:
EXT. XENA’S CAMP – MORNING
Xena is enjoying the roast fowl along with her girls. Managing to make a raid has lifted their spirits considerably.
SHIRI They’re going to retaliate aren’t they?
XENA You can bet on it.
ESME When we’re least expecting it.
XENA Probably. But if they don’t have a chance to retaliate....
PATIA Yeah! Why give them the opportunity to regroup?
SHIRI Real Amazons don’t sit around on their butts waiting to be attacked. We need more spears!
CUT TO:
EXT. TREE - DAY
Xena shakes her head ruefully as she watches her team begin to track Gabrielle’s. She goes into the trees and calls Gabrielle with another birdcall. A few moments later Gabrielle joins her on the limb.
GABRIELLE (teasingly) Cuckoo? How appropriate.
XENA Care to tell me why you laid a trail that a blind man could follow?
They watch the progress of Xena’s team.
GABRIELLE I might be focusing more on survival tactics than combat, but your team isn’t the only one learning a thing or two about strategy, Xena. Wait and listen.
They watch as Xena’s team walks into a small grove of bushes and out of view.
INTERCUT TO:
Close up of Esme, Patia and Shiri with their eyes as wide as saucers and their mouths hanging open.
INTERCUT TO:
Xena and Gabrielle in the tree.
Three piercing screams ring out in the forest. A split second the girls scramble out of the bushes and into view. They are shaking their arms and running in circles.
Gabrielle shakes her head and begins to laugh.
GABRIELLE Oh, Gods.
Xena covers her eyes and then peeks between her fingers as she watches a Mama skunk and three baby skunks scurry out of the grove in the opposite direction.
XENA (with admiration and a slight laugh) That was horrible. Effective, but horrible. And a lesson they won’t forget anytime soon.
GABRIELLE Their noses won’t let them.
XENA I have to sleep in the same camp with them, you know.
Xena shakes her head again as she hears Gabrielle’s team starts laughing.
DORI & NESHA & JINX (in unison) Watch out for the SKUNKS!
XENA (groaning) I hate the smell of skunk.
GABRIELLE Look at it this way... you’ll know where they are for days.
XENA (sardonically) That was very thoughtful of you, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE (laughing) I thought so.
XENA You know, my girls haven’t really said anything about the problems that the nation seems to be having. Basically the same thing they told you. Border skirmishes. The tribes being forced together. That is causing friction among the factions.
GABRIELLE Well, that’s more information that we usually have.
XENA So true. Well, I’d better get back. I’m sure they’re totally at a loss right now.
Xena jumps down from the tree and dashes through the woods towards her team.
GABRIELLE Smell ya’ later.
CUT TO:
EXT. GABRIELLE’S CAMP – NIGHT
Gabrielle and the girls are sitting around a nice fire. They have obviously eaten well and they are very happy. Gabrielle is telling them a story and all three of them are entranced.
GABRIELLE I didn’t even think about what I was doing when the arrows started flying. I just knew that Terreis was in danger and I tried to save her.
JINX This is one of the stories that mothers still tell their daughters but hearing you tell it is wonderful because you actually did it.
GABRIELLE Why do they still tell that story?
NESHA Because it shows the true spirit of what it means to be Amazon. These may be games, but the spirit behind them is important too.
Gabrielle purses her lips and considers it when there is a noise from the woods.
XENA (v.o. off camera) Baaaaaa Baaaaaa
The girls all jump up and look into the woods. Gabrielle narrows her gaze at the direction the noise is coming from.
DORI What was that?
GABRIELLE Relax, it’s just a … umm…. a Wild Roaming Northern Greek Goat. They’re very rare and when I get done with this one, they’ll be extinct. Stay here. And uh....
She blushes a little and rubs the back of her neck.
GABRIELLE (Cont’d) Don’t wait up.
Gabrielle wanders into the woods. Nesha sadly pats her stomach.
NESHA Think she’ll bring some back to share?
Jinx suddenly catches a clue and she grins wryly at the other girls, content not to blow Xena’s cover.
JINX Something tells me Queen Gabrielle does not share.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS – NIGHT
Xena is lying on the ground holding her stomach as she tries not to laugh. Gabrielle stops and stands over her arms crossed, tapping her foot. It’s clear by the look on her face, she’s not really mad, but she has to try and pull it off. Xena wipes tears from her eyes and props herself up on one elbow.
XENA Well hello there. Funny running into you here.
GABRIELLE Anyone ever tell you that you can be a huge pain in the butt sometimes?
XENA Constantly. Usually in several different languages.
She grins and jumps up, opening her arms to Gabrielle.
XENA (Cont’d) Couldn’t go to bed without giving my favorite girl a hug and a kiss.
GABRIELLE (warily) I’d better be your only girl. Your breastplate is booby-trapped, isn’t it?
XENA That’s where usually I keep ‘em.
Xena gestures for Gabrielle to come closer.
XENA (Cont’d) I’m here for no illicit purposes, I assure you. I bring a banner of truce. I just want a kiss.
Gabrielle steps into Xena’s arms and immediately melts into her body.
GABRIELLE Can we just stay like this?
XENA You hate sleeping standing up.
GABRIELLE Yeah, but I could do it right now. I don’t sleep well when we’re apart. You know that.
XENA At least you’ll get some sleep tonight. You don’t have the toxic trio in your camp.
Gabrielle snickers and tightens her hold on Xena.
GABRIELLE How are your girls?
XENA Tired and STINKY. Yours?
GABRIELLE Jumpy. Always looking over their shoulders.
Xena and Gabrielle share conspiratorial smiles.
XENA & GABRIELLE (in unison) Good.
GABRIELLE So has your team figured out that they need to focus a little more on the less aggressive arts of survival and combat?
XENA (wiggling her hand) Eh. They’re nearly there. How about your girls?
GABRIELLE The same, only they’re getting tired of focusing on defense. By the end of this they should see both sides of the coin.
XENA Good plan, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE (teasingly) Well, the person who taught me to strategize was... you know... Not bad.
XENA She had a good pupil.
CUT TO:
EXT. XENA’S CAMP – MORNING
Xena watches with amusement as the girls rub mud all over their bodies.
ESME Are you sure this is necessary?
XENA Yes, it’ll mask the smell. And more importantly, I’ll be able to travel with you without my eyes watering.
PATIA That was pretty tricky of them.
XENA Yes it was, and you fell for it. Remember, when you’re following Amazons or anyone for that matter, if they leave a trail you can see, they want you to follow it for a reason. And it’s usually not a good one.
SHIRI You know, my mother warned me about that.
XENA Now, don’t you wish you had listened?
SHIRI I listened, I just forgot.
XENA Will you forget again?
SHIRI Not in this lifetime. We need to do something to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Fortify our defenses, maybe?
PATIA (snorting) Yeah, right. So... How do we get back at them?
XENA What do you think would be good?
ESME Well, we need new clothes. These stink.
Xena tries very hard to smother a grin.
XENA You wanna steal their clothes?
ESME One of the things we were supposed to do was sneak into a camp and take something.
XENA And how do you suggest you get them out of clothes they’re sleeping in?
PATIA Simple, we take them when they’re swimming or bathing.
XENA (smiling) Now you’re thinking like Amazons. We’re making progress. So all you have to do is figure out a way to get what you want. If they’re near a lake or a pond, you know they bath in the morning and they swim at night. So the question becomes what’s the best way to get it?
Esme narrows her eyes in thought.
ESME There was something I noticed on the way out of the skunk den. It was bubbling….
PATIA & SHIRI Yeah?
CUT TO:
EXT. NIGHT - POND
Patia, Shiri, and Esme are using split shells to dip into a metal cooking pot and extract bowls of dark liquid. They pour the liquid on the ground around the pond, giggling as go. When they’re finished Shiri and Esme haul over a good-sized flat rock, taking care to place it closer to the water. They pour the liquid in the space between the rock and the bushes.
XENA (under her breath) There is no way Gabrielle is going to believe this was NOT my idea.
CUT TO:
EXT. POND – MORNING
Gabrielle’s team, including Gabrielle, are all taking a morning bath. Their clothes have been washed and are drying on bushes near the pond. Jinx, her hair wet, and naked as the day she was born is sitting on the flat rock placed near the pond by Patia, diligently guarding the clothes. In her hands a slingshot, should she need it.
Jinx hears a gentle ‘plunk’ in the pond in front of her. She bends over to take a look.
Gabrielle glances up to see her staring at nothing and her eyes go wide.
GABRIELLE Uh oh.
Suddenly, several volley’s of paintballs crash against Jinx’s exposed bottom, sending her into the pond headfirst.
GABRIELLE (to herself) Don’t you do it, Xena.
Jinx emerges from the water and screams.
Gabrielle curses and begins swimming towards Jinx along with the rest of her stunned, team.
GABRIELLE (Cont’d Yelling) No, you don’t, Xena. Not my....
Esme holds a torch to the liquid trail of Greek fire they laid the night before, sending up all wall of flames between the pond and bushes. Xena’s team, covered in dry mud that looks like brown plaster, begins to hoot and shout as they dart from the bushes and snatch up the drying clothes.
Gabrielle’s team has no choice but to stand by helplessly.
XENA (through the flames to Gabrielle) Give up yet?
Gabrielle looks to her team in question.
GABRIELLE It’s up to them.
DORI & JINX & NESHA Never!
Gabrielle smiles proudly. She and the girls make their way to the rest of their gear, which, thankfully, is on their side of the flames.
GABRIELLE You heard ‘em, Xena.
Xena nods and gives her partner a little wink before her team disappears back into the woods.
GABRIELLE (to the girls) Please tell me you each brought an extra change of clothes.
All three girls look at each other and wince.
CUT TO:
EXT. XENA’S CAMP – DAY
Xena is trying not to smile as she listens to her team grumble about the fit of the clothes they swiped. She is holding Gabrielle’s clothes in her hands.
XENA Little small, are they?
ESME Just a little, but at least they don’t stink.
XENA There’s always an up side.
Xena is about to say something else when she hears a call from Gabrielle. She licks her lips, smiles and stands up, giving an exaggerated stretch.
XENA (Cont’d) Enjoy the spoils. I’ll be right back.
Xena turns and heads into the woods, with Gabrielle’s clothes still in her hands.
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS – DAY
Xena walks into the woods slowly, looking for Gabrielle.
XENA Where are you?
A bush to Xena’s left shakes a bit and Xena grins.
XENA (Cont’d) (addressing the bush) Well, my, my... what do we have here?
Gabrielle remains hidden in the bush.
GABRIELLE Xena….
XENA I do believe that was the call of the Naked as a Jaybird.
GABRIELLE (louder) XENA….
XENA You know in a situation like this you just have to say to yourself…Self…
GABRIELLE (growling) Give me my clothes.
XENA Now why would I want to do that? Besides, I’ve seen you naked more times than I can count.
GABRIELLE (wryly) That was when we were partners. At the moment we’re mortal enemies. Mortal enemies aren’t allowed to see me naked.
XENA It seems that my team has your team at a severe disadvantage.
GABRIELLE Not as much as you think. I gave the girls my spare traveling clothes. Now give me my clothes!
XENA I’ll give them to you if you surrender.
GABRIELLE Gods, that’s a low blow.
XENA All’s fair in love and war Gabrielle. You know that.
GABRIELLE Do I have to beg?
XENA No, just surrender.
Xena can hear Gabrielle sigh and just as she is about to say something she hears a loud yell from the direction between the two camps and she knows it’s trouble. She tosses Gabrielle’s clothes into the bush.
XENA Meet you there!
GABRIELLE (quickly as she begins to dress) Right behind you.
Xena dashes towards the sounds.
FADE OUT.
END ACT THREE
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