XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
SUBTEXT VIRTUAL SEASON 7
 
PRODUCTION #V713
Picture Perfect
 
VIRTUAL AIRDATE
March 27, 2002
 
WRITTEN BY
Melissa Good

PRODUCED BY
Carol Stephens
 
DIRECTED BY
Denise Byrd
 
SCREENGRABS 
Judi Mair
 
ARTWORK
Lucia
 
TITLE GRAPHIC
Linda (Calli)
 
Xena: Warrior Princess is a trademark and copyright of StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures.  This is a fan based not-for-profit work of fiction and is not intended to infringe upon their rights.

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. ROAD TO ITHACA - DAY.

Xena and Gabrielle stroll along a well-tended road. They pass a few others going the same way. Their fellow travelers seem friendly.  They wave at Xena and Gabrielle as they go past.

GABRIELLE
Ithaca. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

XENA
A lot longer for them than for us. We got it good - we get to see all our old friend's kids grown up, and we don't have to get old to do it.

Gabrielle chuckles.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, that's true. Still, I’m glad we heard about Ulysses' daughter getting married in that old port town. Wonder if he'll remember us?

XENA
Probably not. It's been a lifetime for him.

Gabrielle gives Xena a look.

GABRIELLE
Oh, I bet he remembers you, Xena, no matter how many lifetimes it's been.

XENA
What's that supposed to mean?

Gabrielle walks on, starting to whistle as she walks. Xena rolls her eyes, and shakes her head.

CUT TO:
EXT. CITY OF ITHACA - GATES - LATE AFTERNOON

Xena and Gabrielle approach the city gates. They are among a crowd of people headed in the same direction... some in wagons, some on foot.

Xena notices that the walls seem to be newly repaired, and that the gates are patched in several places. 

XENA
Looks like everyone else heard about the wedding, too.

Gabrielle dodges a cart, narrowly avoiding getting run over. 

GABRIELLE
Yeah. Doesn't look that different though, does it?

Xena turns in a circle, examining the city. A man bumps into her, and reacts, reaching for his weapon.  

MAN
Watch it, you....

Both Xena and Gabrielle outdraw him, and he thinks better of it. He removes his hand from his sword hilt and backs up. 

MAN 
(Cont’d)
Hey! Sorry! 

The man slips away. Xena and Gabrielle relax. 

GABRIELLE
Touchy, huh?

Xena looks around. She notices the nearby buildings seem patched and battered. 

XENA
Looks like they've had trouble. 

GABRIELLE
(thoughtfully)
And we weren't here? Amazing. 

Xena winds a finger into Gabrielle's heart necklace and leads her on. 

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY OF ITHACA - TAVERN - LATE AFTERNOON

Xena and Gabrielle find a tavern. Gabrielle buys Xena a mug of ale. They sit at the bar, drinking and watching the crowd.  The bartender leans on the bar next to them and watches, too.

BARTENDER
Look at ‘em.

Xena and Gabrielle look at the crowd. They don't see anything really interesting. 

GABRIELLE
What are we looking at?

The bartender points at a group of people. They are standing together, looking around with suspicious faces. 

BARTENDER
Keffalonians. A moon ago, they were fighting us. Now look at ‘em. 

The group moves on, pointing at some of the buildings and laughing. 

BARTENDER 
(Cont’d)
Bastards. 

Xena notices a group of city men following the Keffalonians at a cautious distance. 

XENA
You were at war with them?

BARTENDER
For years. Still would be except for the truce. 

GABRIELLE
A truce? That's good to hear. 

The bartender watches as the Keffalonians walk back past them. 

BARTENDER
If you can call it that. More like Ulysses bought peace. 

XENA
What do you mean?

BARTENDER
You new around here? He traded his daughter to the Keffalonians to stop the war. 

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other in consternation.

XENA
Doesn't sound like the Ulysses I know. 

The bartender shrugs and walks off. 

GABRIELLE
You think he's telling the truth? 

XENA
Let's go find out. 

Xena and Gabrielle down their ale and start to head off. Before they can get far from the bar, a loud horn blares, and soldiers start clearing the road. 

Xena pulls Gabrielle to one side, and they watch as a troop of people mounted on horses trot by. The man in the lead is tall, handsome, and young. He is dressed in rich velvet and silks, and his horse has gold trimmed tack. 

The bartender walks up behind Xena and Gabrielle.

BARTENDER
Speak of the Bacchae, and there he is.

GABRIELLE
Who?

BARTENDER
Prince Kelvin of Keffalonia. Here to pick up his bride. 

XENA
Nice clothes.

BARTENDER
Bought with the advance on his dowry. 

GABRIELLE
But…What if the wedding falls through?

An older, heavyset man who had been listening to them now leans closer and interrupts.

OLD MAN
Then it's back to war, lassie, and we'll strip that silk off his back and send him home to papa in a burlap sack!

The crowd around them nods in agreement. There is some grumbling. 

BARTENDER
(under his breath)
That wedding better go through. Or else. 

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other, and we....

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. CITY OF ITHACA - MARKET - MORNING

Xena and Gabrielle stroll through the marketplace. 

GABRIELLE
You don't think we should go find Ulysses and see if we can help, Xena?

XENA
Help what? It's already a done deal, Gabrielle. Besides, it's not the first time rulers have used their kids to make alliances. 

GABRIELLE
I know, but....

XENA
No buts. We'll go to the ceremony, congratulate them, and that's it. 

Gabrielle stops and picks up a colorful blanket. She examines it in silence. Xena watches her. 

XENA 
(Cont’d)
Besides, maybe she likes the prince. He's not bad looking. 

Gabrielle pays for the blanket, and slings it over her shoulder. She rejoins Xena.

GABRIELLE
Every kid likes to dream about being a princess. If they only knew it's not all it's cracked up to be, huh?

XENA
Hmm. Yeah. 

Xena stops and picks up a wicked looking hatchet. She examines it, while Gabrielle watches her. 

GABRIELLE
Maybe they will be happy together. You never know. 

Xena flicks the hatchet into a nearby piece of wood. It sticks. Xena pays for the hatchet and takes it with her. Gabrielle puts her arm around Xena as they walk.

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d)
I'm glad I was able to give my heart to someone for no other reason than that I loved them, though. 

Xena smiles.

XENA
Me, too. 

They turn a corner, and spot a large, fancifully ornate building right at the corner of the market. The walls are colored a surprising shade of pink. 

GABRIELLE
What is that? 

XENA
Beats me. Let's go find out. 

Xena and Gabrielle approach the building. On the front door is a sign. 

GABRIELLE
"The Celestial Abode of the Artist." Sounds different.

Xena pushes the door open and they walk inside. 

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle enter the room and close the door. Inside, the building is even more eccentric. The walls have been painted with all sorts of designs, and there are statues stuck in odd corners.  A woman spots them and rushes over. This is the ARTIST LOOCHA - she is medium height, with chestnut brown hair and is dressed in flowing, albeit paint cover robes.

LOOCHA
Hello!  Hello! My! What has the morning brought me? 

The artist circles them like a hummingbird, darting in and out and examining both of them closely. 

GABRIELLE
Um... hi. Could you, um....

The artist grabs Xena and pulls her over to the window that lets in a good amount of light. 

LOOCHA
You! You! Ah! This is wonderful! Magnificent! Perfect!

Xena looks like she's been attacked by a talking cat. The artist starts to reach up and touch her hair and Xena clamps her hands down on both wrists and holds the woman still. The rest of her body continues to move, however. 

XENA
Hey!

Gabrielle walks over to watch. The artist realizes she's not going anywhere and stops. 

LOOCHA
Ah, your pardon! I just got so excited. Forgive me.

Xena cautiously releases the artist. 

XENA
Who are you?

LOOCHA
You must let me paint you. You must. You simply must. You are perfect. 

XENA
What?

LOOCHA
You are perfect. Your face, your body - you are simply perfect.  And those eyes!  Magnificent.  You must let me paint you.  You must. 

Xena looks at Gabrielle. Gabrielle seems amused. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
(to Gabrielle)
I'm sure you agree, don't you?

Gabrielle ponders the question. 

GABRIELLE
Mm... She's got her good points, but I don't think we have time....

Xena's eyebrows go up. 

LOOCHA
But you must! Really!

XENA
Good points, eh? Hey, how long with this take?

The artist is thrilled. She hops up and down and claps her hands.

LOOCHA
Just a day! From dawn to dusk, you must sit for me without moving! I will capture perfection!

Xena starts to leave.

XENA
Ah....

GABRIELLE
A whole day? I don't think Xena could sit still for a whole minute. Sorry! Bye!

LOOCHA
Wait! Wait! You must stay! Wait! I could give you some scrolls to read while you were posing! Wait!

Xena and Gabrielle make their escape, with the artist chasing after them. 

CUT TO:

EXT. ITHACA MARKETPLACE - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle duck past some wagons and try to find a route through the packed market stalls. 

XENA
Good points?

GABRIELLE
Honey, I'll swoon over your perfection later, okay? Let's just get out of her clutches first. 

Xena lifts the edge of a tent flap and they duck under it. They run between two fabric stalls and almost get tangled in them, then emerge into a main crossroad and stop dead.

Coming right at them is a large party of mounted horsemen, complete with guards. On the lead horse is Ulysses. He spots them and his eyes fall on Xena.  He has, of course, aged almost thirty years since the last time they saw him, and is now a reasonably distinguished looking older man with almost silver white hair and a neatly trimmed beard. 

He pulls his horse to a halt and stares, his jaw dropping. 

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d)
Looks like he remembers you. 

XENA
Yeah. Wonder if he'll recognize you. 

GABRIELLE
Bet he doesn't. 

ULYSSES 
Xena? 

Behind them, the artist catches up, then spots the royal party and halts. She snaps her fingers, then backs up and disappears back into the crowd. 

Xena and Gabrielle walk over to Ulysses' horse. The rest of the riding party clusters around curiously. 

XENA
Hello, Ulysses. Been a long time.

ULYSSES
A lot longer for me than for you, it looks like! By the gods!

Ulysses finally looks at Gabrielle. 

ULYSSES 
(Cont’d)
Gabrielle! At least you got a haircut!

Surprised, Gabrielle laughs. 

GABRIELLE
Among other things. How are you, Ulysses? We heard about the wedding, and thought we'd stop by. 

Ulysses seems overwhelmed. 

ULYSSES
I don't know what to say. But I’m glad you're here! Come on, we're going up to the castle. Now there's really reason to celebrate!

Xena and Gabrielle join the party, and they move off. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ THRONE ROOM - DAY. 

Ulysses sits with Xena and Gabrielle at a large table. They are all drinking wine. 

ULYSSES
I just can't believe it. How can you both be sitting here, as though nothing changed? 

Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks. Xena takes out a coin and flips it. 

GABRIELLE
Heads.

Xena shows her the coin. Gabrielle sighs. 

XENA
It's your turn anyway. I explained the last time. 

Ulysses just watches them, obviously amazed at their appearance. He keeps staring at Xena. 

ULYSSES
I only wish Penelope were here to see this. We talked about you all the time. 

GABRIELLE
What happened?

ULYSSES
A plague, years back. The healers tried everything, but she was too weak. 

XENA
I'm sorry. 

Ulysses nods. 

ULYSSES
It's the way of life. Except in your case, it seems!

GABRIELLE
Xena and I... got trapped someplace where time had no meaning. It's not magic. 

ULYSSES
Ah. Well, I’m glad no matter the reason, that you decided to come here. It's been a tough year for us.

XENA
I saw the damage. War?

Ulysses nods. He gets up from his chair and paces. He is uncomfortable.

ULYSSES
Many say I bought my way out of it. Maybe I did, but it was that or risk fighting until nothing was left of either of our islands. 

Xena gets up and walks around as well.

XENA
Looks like you did all right. 

ULYSSES
It was a tough treaty. My enemy wasn't easy to convince, and I had to give up a lot. But if the truce holds, it means our survival so perhaps it's worth it. 

XENA
What does he get out of it?

ULYSSES
Come on, I'll show you.

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - DAY

Xena, Gabrielle, and Ulysses enter. Inside is a vast treasure that Ulysses collected on his many travels. 

ULYSSES
Besides my daughter, of course. Half of this, and what he truly covets.

Ulysses points at the wall. Xena and Gabrielle look. It is a picture of Penelope, painted in gorgeously realistic color. It is truly spectacular. 

GABRIELLE
Wow.

ULYSSES
He said he'd heard me bragging about having a painting of the most beautiful woman in the world, and he wanted it. That was the lynch pin of the treaty, and I almost....

Ulysses stops speaking, and just shakes his head. 

GABRIELLE
I think your wife would be honored to know her image saved her people. 

Ulysses looks at Gabrielle and smiles.

ULYSSES
You always had a way with words, Gabrielle. You haven't changed a bit, either. 

GABRIELLE
Actually, we've both changed more than you could possibly imagine. But thanks anyway. 

Xena walks over to look at the painting. She is honestly impressed. 

XENA
Incredible work. 

ULYSSES
Yes, it is. The artist is a native of Ithaca, and her work is without compare. 

Xena and Gabrielle exchange looks.

GABRIELLE
She doesn't live in a pink house, does she?

ULYSSES
Why, yes! Did you meet her?

Xena starts laughing. 

XENA
Oh, yeah. 

Ulysses joins her near the painting and looks up.

ULYSSES
I will be sorry to see her go. But you're right, Gabrielle. She would be honored. 
(beat)
Enough of this reflecting - my friends are here. Let's go celebrate! 

Ulysses offers his arm to Xena. Xena takes it, and they walk out.  Gabrielle examines the portrait for a moment in silence. 

Thoughtfully, she turns and follows Xena and Ulysses.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. XENA AND GABRIELLE'S ROOM – ULYSSES’ CASTLE - AFTERNOON

Xena and Gabrielle are in the extravagant room Ulysses has brought them to in the castle. There is a large, four-poster bed in the center, and a lot of suspiciously poofy looking cushions around. The walls are covered in drapery, and there is a bowl of fresh flowers on the table. 

XENA
Not bad. Once I convinced him we didn't need separate rooms.

GABRIELLE
(chuckling)
Still clueless after all these years. 
(beat)
Still grabbing at you after all these years too, I see. 

Xena sprawls on the bed on her side, propping her head on one hand. She smiles. 

XENA
Still a little jealous after all these years, Gabrielle? C'mon. He could be my father now. 

Gabrielle sits down on a ridiculously overstuffed chair. She has, again, a thoughtful look on her face. Her eyes take on a far off expression. 

GABRIELLE
Yeah, well. Maybe that memory still stings a little, even now.  
(pausing)
It sure did then. 

Xena sits up. She looks at Gabrielle uncertainly, then she gets up off the bed and walks to the window to look out.  They both start speaking at the same time. 

XENA
I wasn't really....

GABRIELLE
You know I'd thought things were going along pretty good between us then, and....

They both stop. 

XENA
I was scared. 

Gabrielle just looks at her in silence. 

XENA 
(Cont’d)
I knew my feelings about you were changing, and I wanted to... I didn't want it to be just some physical thing. 

Gabrielle closes her eyes, a pained expression on her face.

XENA 
(Cont’d)
So I thought if I... anyway, it was stupid. 

They are both quiet for a few moments. 

GABRIELLE
(quietly)
You almost broke my heart that night. 

Xena slowly turns to face her. She walks over and kneels down by the chair, and they look into each other's eyes. 

XENA
I'm sorry I did it. 

Gabrielle reaches up and lays her hand on Xena's cheek. 

GABRIELLE
So was I. But you know, when you started talking to him about soulmates, something inside me told me you weren't talking about the two of you, so I just held on to that. 

XENA
(wistfully)
I wasn't and when I said that, I knew. 

GABRIELLE
About us?

Xena nods. Gabrielle leans forward and they kiss. When they part, they both smile at each other.  

XENA
Glad we got that out. 

GABRIELLE
Me too.
(pausing)
But if he touches you again, I’m going to shove a sai up his butt. 

They both chuckle. 

XENA
Let's go party. 

Xena gets up and brushes herself off. 

GABRIELLE
You're not going to wear that, are you?

Xena looks down at herself.

XENA
This or what I wear under it. Not a lot of choice, since it's all I've got. 

Gabrielle gets up and goes to her bag. 

GABRIELLE
I’m sure I've got something else you can wear in here, Xena... it's a party!

Xena rolls her eyes, and watches in amusement as Gabrielle starts to pull things out of the bag. There is a knock at the door, and she goes to answer it. 

Xena opens the door to find a valet, holding two gowns. 

VALET
My master sent these.  He thought you might like to wear them. 

Xena accepts the gowns. 

XENA
Thanks. Nice timing. 

Xena closes the door. Gabrielle pauses in her digging to look. 

GABRIELLE
That was thoughtful.

Xena selects the longer of the two gowns and holds it up to her body. The neckline plunges approximately down to her belly button. 

XENA
Very. 

Gabrielle's eyes narrow. 

GABRIELLE
He's toast. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ BANQUET HALL - NIGHT

The banquet hall is a huge room. It has high ceilings, and many tables full of people. On one side of the room, a group of musicians are playing.

Xena and Gabrielle enter. They are dressed in their borrowed gowns. Ulysses spots them and hurries over. 

ULYSSES
Xena! Great. I saved a seat for you, right next to me. C'mon. 

Xena evades his outstretched hand. 

XENA
Thanks, but no thanks. I've got a partner already. We'll find a seat.  G'wan back to your guests. 

Confused, Ulysses looks at Xena, then looks around, obviously trying to figure out who she's talking about. Finally, his eyes fall on Gabrielle, who is giving him a look that would have easily curdled goat’s milk into cheese if he'd had a glass of it in his hand. 

ULYSSES
Oh! Ah, I didn't mean....

Xena swats him on the back and points to the high table. Chastened, a little like a spanked puppy, Ulysses retreats. 

GABRIELLE
Think he got the hint?

XENA
Probably not. C'mon. 

Xena and Gabrielle stroll after Ulysses, and find themselves a seat next to the tall prince from Keffalonia, and a pretty, dark haired girl dressed in a modest, though pretty gown.  

GIRL
Hello. I'm Shana. You must be Xena. 

XENA
How'd you guess?

The sarcasm goes over the girl's head.

SHANA
Oh, my father's spoken of you many times. This is my betrothed, prince Kelvin. 

The prince is looking at them curiously. 

KELVIN
Nice to meet you... Um... Xena, is it?

XENA
That's right. This is my partner, Gabrielle. 

Both the prince and Shana look at Gabrielle. 

GABRIELLE
Hi. 

A server comes by and offers them a tray of tidbits. They all take some. 

XENA
Thanks.

The prince turns to Xena.

KELVIN
So... what line of work are you two in?

Xena and Gabrielle, caught in mid bite, exchange looks. Gabrielle swallows hastily.

GABRIELLE
We do a lot of...ah... free-lance work. 

KELVIN
Oh? Really? What kind?

XENA
I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. 

That shuts the prince up. There is an awkward silence. 

GABRIELLE
(under her breath)
So. How about those Spartans?

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ BANQUET HALL - MUCH LATER THAT NIGHT

The musicians have gone from playing stately pavanes to bawdy drinking songs. In the corner, some of the guests are singing along.  Some of the guests have serving wenches in their laps. Some of the guests are in the laps of serving wenches. 

At the high table, Ulysses and his friends are sitting around telling tall tales. The crowd listens and applauds. Kelvin and Shana have moved closer, wanting to hear the stories. 

Xena and Gabrielle sit and listen. 

GABRIELLE
I don't remember it happening like that, do you?

XENA
No, but let him have his fun. 

They watch as Kelvin and Shana hold hands. 

GABRIELLE
I feel better about them now. I think they really like each other. 

Xena slaps Gabrielle's shoulder lightly. 

XENA
Yeah, see? Everything turned out fine for a change. 

GABRIELLE
Nice, isn't it?

Ulysses stands up, very unsteadily. He starts to pantomime drawing a large bow.  One of the watching, very drunk men stands up.

DRUNK MAN
Betcha can't do that now, ya old goat!

Gabrielle leans over to Xena. 

GABRIELLE
He couldn't do it then, either.

Xena smirks. 

ULYSSES
To Hades with ya! I can! I'll prove it! Baltaroth, bring me my bow!

GABRIELLE
What is it with guys and their weapons? 

Xena starts chuckling. 

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d)
I mean it. First thing they do to prove a point is whip it out, and wave it around. 

Xena laughs harder.

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d)
What?

BALTAROTH
But sir!

ULYSSES
Baltaroth! Do as yours told! Get me bow! I'll pull it back, and let ‘er fly!

Xena continues to laugh.

GABRIELLE
I didn't think it was *that* funny. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ BANQUET HALL - SHORT TIME LATER

Baltaroth enters, carrying the famous bow. He carries it over to Ulysses, holding it carefully in both hands. 

BALTAROTH
Here, sir, but....

Ulysses takes the bow and strokes it lovingly. Then he sets about stringing it. But due to the wine, the time, and the fading of his youthful vigor, he can't quite do it. 

XENA
Been here, done this.

Xena gets up and starts to cross over to him. Gabrielle, however, reaches after her and snags her by the back of the gown. Gabrielle holds on, only barely keeping her seat by grabbing the chair arm.  Xena turns and looks at her. 

GABRIELLE
Ah ah ah. Get back here. 

XENA
Gabrielle!

Gabrielle hauls her back. Xena humors her and returns to her seat. Gabrielle hops up and goes to Ulysses side. He is still struggling with the bow. 

GABRIELLE
Hi. 

Ulysses looks at her. 

ULYSSES
Ah... Gabrielle.  Be just a minute, here. 

Gabrielle reaches up and grasps the top of the bow, then neatly braces her foot against the bottom and draws the bow forward, slipping the string on for him. 

GABRIELLE
There ya go.

Ulysses gapes at her, then recovers.

ULYSSES
Oh! Ah, thanks Gabrielle! You're a real trooper!

Gabrielle smiles, and waggles her fingers at Ulysses, then she turns and waltzes back over to Xena and taking her seat again.  She lets out a little, contented sigh. 

XENA
Happy?

GABRIELLE
Very. 

Ulysses takes an arrow and nocks it, then he lifts the bow and with a mighty heave, pulls the string back. The effort unbalances him, however, and he stumbles, inadvertently releasing the arrow. The powerful bow lets loose, and the arrow speeds true through the air, ripping right through the newly mounted painting of Penelope in its place of pride above the mantel. 

Everyone stares in shock. The arrow has pierced the painting right between Penelope's eyes. 

ULYSSES
Ah....  Ah....  Ah....

Slowly, the painting comes away from the wall, and tumbles forward, landing with a crash as the fabric is pierced by the dozen fireplace tools it fell on. 

There is absolute silence. Even Xena and Gabrielle are staring at the painting with their mouths open. 

KELVIN
Uh....

Everyone looks at Kelvin.

KELVIN
(Cont’d)
You... uh...  don't have two of those, do you?

Ulysses falls back into his chair with a crash, and we....

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. XENA AND GABRIELLE'S ROOM – ULYSSES’ CASTLE - MORNING

Xena stands by the window. She is dressed in just her leathers. Gabrielle steps out of the bath area, a bit of towel wrapped around her. The big bed is mussed, and a pillow has somehow found it's way to the very far side of the room. 

Xena turns and saunters back over to the bed. She sits down and relaxes as she waits for Gabrielle to dress.  

GABRIELLE
That was certainly an unexpected end to the evening. 

XENA
Thanks. 

Gabrielle turns and looks at her. She removes the towel from around her body and snaps it at Xena, hitting her on the shoulder. Xena grins, but doesn't move to avoid the towel. 

GABRIELLE
I meant Ulysses shooting that picture. 

The door flies open, and Ulysses enters.  Xena reacts with lightning speed, snatching the towel from Gabrielle's hands and whipping it at Ulysses. The fabric wraps around his head, blocking his vision, and he stops short. 

ULYSSES
Xena! 

Ulysses reaches for the towel to remove it.

XENA
Touch that, and you're a dead man. 

ULYSSES
But... but!!!

XENA
I mean it. 

Ulysses decides not to risk it. He stands still. 

Gabrielle slips on her skirt and fastens it, then she drapes her top around her neck. Xena gets up and goes behind her, tying the velvet strings.  She peeks over at Ulysses, then plants a kiss on the back of Gabrielle's neck. Gabrielle grins. 

XENA 
(Cont’d)
Okay. 

Cautiously, Ulysses removes the towel. He turns to face them. 

XENA 
(Cont’d)
Got a problem with knocking?

ULYSSES
Xena, I need your help. I’m in real trouble. 

XENA
I noticed. 

A little exasperated, Ulysses walks over to her. 

ULYSSES
Xena, I'm serious.

Xena sits down on the bed. 

XENA
All right, I'm listening. 

Gabrielle continues dressing as she also listens. 

ULYSSES
Kelvin's father will be here soon... today! If I don't deliver the whole dowry to him, he'll call the wedding off or worse!

XENA
C’mon, Ulysses...  it's just a painting! Put something else in instead!

GABRIELLE
(under her breath)
How about a nice used bow?

Ulysses paces back and forth, obviously upset. 

ULYSSES
You don't understand. He won't take anything else. He wants that painting!

GABRIELLE
Why not just get another one from the artist? You said she lives here, right?

Ulysses turns to look at Gabrielle.

ULYSSES
Don't you think I've thought of that? She never copies herself. She won't do it! I've already asked her!

Gabrielle looks past Ulysses at Xena, who is still seated on the bed.

GABRIELLE
Bet she'd do it if Xena asked her. 

XENA
Gabbrriieeelllee. 

Ulysses jumps at the suggestion eagerly. 

ULYSSES
Hey! You know her? Yeah! You've got a nice set of....  Ah... you've got a great way of....
(beat)
You can be real persuasive when you want to be, Xena.

Xena gives both Ulysses and Gabrielle a look that could calve a cow at ten paces. However, she nods.

XENA
All right. I'll ask her. No promises. 

Ulysses looks relieved. 

ULYSSES
Thanks Xena, I really owe you one this time. 

Ulysses rushes out. Xena glares at Gabrielle. Gabrielle affects a very innocent look.  Xena throws a pillow at her. 

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle enter. Or, more precisely, Gabrielle enters, and pulls Xena in after her. If it is possible for a six-foot tall woman in leather to look like a small child being brought to the dentist, Xena manages to do it. 

GABRIELLE
Hello?

XENA
No one's home. C'mon. Let's go find another way to....

The artist pops out of somewhere. She spots them. 

LOOCHA
Ah! My perfection! You're back! I knew you'd come back!

Xena growls under her breath. 

GABRIELLE
Um, hi. Listen, we really need your help. 

The artist stops. The artist looks at both of them. The artist cocks her head to one side. The artist's eyebrows go way, way up. Xena decides to throw the artist's train of thought off the track into the water. 

XENA
Your city's in trouble. They need your help. We don't.  

LOOCHA
(under breath)
Booorring.... 
(brightly)
All righty! What's the trouble? Walls all drab again? I told them that orange would fade. 

GABRIELLE
Not exactly. 

LOOCHA
Don't tell me he's whining about me painting that Oddy whatever thing on the castle ceiling again. 

XENA
No. It's more complicated and less egotistical than that.  

The artist looks interested again. 

LOOCHA
Well then, come into my parlor and let's get comfortable, shall we?

The artist goes to the doorway and crooks her finger at them. Xena and Gabrielle look at each other, sigh, and follow. 

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - DAY. 

The artist's workroom is a wild mix of works in progress, works no longer in progress and very odd items whose purpose seems very obscure.  Xena and Gabrielle sit on a padded round banquette. Gabrielle holds a cup of tea. Xena is looking behind her at a clay gargoyle in the center of the banquette. The artist is standing in front of them. 

LOOCHA
Hoooolllddd on there! Are you telling me that pompous old windbag shot my picture? 

GABRIELLE
Well, ah....

XENA
Yeah. 

The artist puts her arm over her eyes in a dramatic pose. 

LOOCHA
I feel like I've lost a child. 

Xena and Gabrielle exchange significant looks.

XENA AND GABRIELLE
No, you don't. 

The artist drops her arm in surprise. 

LOOCHA
You don't understand. I worked on that painting for days... weeks... moons!

XENA
Was it days, weeks or moons?

GABRIELLE
I'm sure you must have. It was beautiful. 

LOOCHA
It was the longest, the biggest....
(beat, to Gabrielle)
Why, thank you! A discriminating eye! But then, you must be used to perfection - living with her!

GABRIELLE
(mischievously)
Oh, absolutely. It's a joy to wake up every morning, let me tell you. 

Xena is over it. 

XENA
Look. Can you replace it? Ulysses promised it to the Keffalonians as part of his daughter's dowry. 

LOOCHA
No.

GABRIELLE
No?

LOOCHA
No, no, no. I never, ever, ever, ever copy myself. Never. 

GABRIELLE
But, Loocha, there's a lot at stake here. Ulysses said if he doesn't give up the picture, you could go back to war. 

The artist shrugs. 

LOOCHA
So I put the boards up over the windows and put up with commissions to paint guys on horses with swords again. 

XENA
That's what war means to you. What about the guys who die in it?

LOOCHA
Commissions for tombs. Very lucrative!

Xena is ticked off. She gets up.

XENA
C’mon, Gabrielle. I told you this was a bad idea. 

Gabrielle is ticked off, too. 

GABRIELLE
And you were right. Sorry. Let's go. 

They both turn and walk towards the door. The artist watches them curiously.

LOOCHA
Was it something I said?

Xena and Gabrielle keep walking.

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Okay, okay. Come back here. I was only joking. 

Gabrielle turns and faces her.

GABRIELLE
Dying is not funny. Trust me. 

Xena prudently remains silent. 

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d)
Are you going to help us or not? Because if you're not, we'll find someone who can. 

The artist hurries over. 

LOOCHA
Hey! No need to make threats! 

XENA
So you'll do the picture?

LOOCHA
No. 

Xena and Gabrielle both throw up their hands and turn to walk out again. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Atatatatat.... I can't! Wait! I can't do the picture again. Penelope's dead, remember? 

Xena and Gabrielle turn around again. 

GABRIELLE
Can't you fake it?

LOOCHA
Do you?

Xena slaps her forehead.

GABRIELLE
Do I what?

XENA
No, she doesn't. Listen....

LOOCHA
I can't repaint Penelope! 
(pausing)
Buttttt... I can do a painting of the most beautiful woman in the world to replace it. 

XENA
All right. Now we're getting somewhere. You have to g....

Loocha speaks over Xena and grins.

LOOCHA
IF you pose for me, my little Perfection. 

Xena realizes she's been neatly caught. So does Gabrielle. 

GABRIELLE
It's for a good cause. 

LOOCHA
Nude, of course! The Keffalonians will forget everything else!

GABRIELLE
Wait a minute!

XENA
(drolly mocking)
It's for a good cause. 

LOOCHA
That's my offer. Pose, and I paint you a masterpiece. No pose, I start mixing colors for battle scenes. 

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other. Neither is thrilled, but they both realize they have little choice. 

GABRIELLE
The things we do for the greater good. 

XENA
We?

LOOCHA
Great! Now, you....
(pointing at Xena)
Take your clothes off. And you....
(pointing at Gabrielle)
Scoot. I must have privacy in which to create my wondrous art. 

Gabrielle looks outraged. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Ah ah ah! We have a deal. Make like a tree and leaf!

Xena hastily grabs Gabrielle around the waist before she does anything rash. She whispers into her ear.

XENA
Go tell Ulysses we've got this covered. 

GABRIELLE
(hissing)
Xena!!! 

XENA
Faster you go, faster you get back. 

With the mother of all glares, Gabrielle removes Xena's arm from around her and storms out. Loocha watches her go.

LOOCHA
Feisty!  I love a girl with a nice little a....

Xena gives her the look of death. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Attitude. 

Loocha smiles at Xena. Xena unhooks her armor. Loocha smiles wider. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ THRONE ROOM - DAY

Ulysses sits on his dais. His men surround him. One of the guards toots his horn and opens the door to admit a group of older men. In the center of the group is RADWAR, Kelvin's father. Radwar is a very big man, obviously a soldier, with a permanent scowl on his face. Ulysses stands to greet him.

ULYSSES
Ah, Radwar, my friend. Welcome.

RADWAR
I’m not your friend, you nitwit. 

Gabrielle enters, and hears the exchange. 

ULYSSES
Well, ah, yes. All right. Welcome, Radwar, my former enemy.

Radwar stomps over to the dais, and glowers at Ulysses. 

RADWAR
Show me the dowry. 

ULYSSES
And it's wonderful to see you here too. How was the trip?

RADWAR
Show me the dowry. 

ULYSSES
Lunch? Would you like something to cut the dust of the road?

RADWAR
No!

Ulysses looks very uneasy. Gabrielle slips up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. He turns.

ULYSSES
Ah! Gabrielle! Just who I was looking for!

Gabrielle's eyebrow goes up. 

GABRIELLE
Xena says to tell you we're taking care of your little problem. 

ULYSSES
I knew I could count on you to come in here and en....  Huh?

GABRIELLE
(lowering voice)
Your little problem?

ULYSSES
Oh! You are? Really?
(beat)
Of course you are! I knew I could count on Xena! Never had a doubt in my mind!

Around Ulysses, his men are all wiping their brows in obvious relief. 

RADWAR
What are you babbling about? Let's get this over with! 

ULYSSES
(lowering voice)
Tell Xena she'd better hurry. I'll try to stall him.
(to Radwar)
Of course! Of course. Come with me, dear Radwar. I know you're anxious to see your new property, but my chef's prepared a wonderful feast for you, as your son requested. Shall we indulge him? 

RADWAR
(grumpily)
Will it take long? 

ULYSSES
Depends on how fast you chew. 

RADWAR
Fine, fine. Let's just get moving!

Ulysses leads Radwar out. Gabrielle turns and marches in the opposite direction. 

ULYSSES
Gabrielle!

Gabrielle stops, and reluctantly turns around. 

ULYSSES 
(Cont’d)
I'm sure Radwar would love to hear some of your stories. 
(beat)
To pass the *time*?

Gabrielle's eyes narrow, but she knows Ulysses has a point. Gritting her teeth, she joins them as they leave the room. 

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO - AFTERNOON

Xena stands in the middle of the studio, naked. Loocha examines her with interest. Slowly, she walks in a complete circle around Xena, looking at every inch.  

Xena's eyes follow her suspiciously. 

XENA
You'll have to paint around the scars. 

LOOCHA
Boy, you sure have them. Accident prone, huh?

XENA
No. 

The artist starts sketching on her canvas, placed very close to Xena. She keeps a long handled brush in her hand. She pokes Xena with it. 

LOOCHA
What's that one from?

Xena looks down.

XENA
Gabrielle bit me. 

The artist stops in mid motion and looks at Xena. Xena smiles.  The artist goes back to sketching.  She pokes Xena again. 

LOOCHA
What about that one?

XENA
Gabrielle's oyster knife slipped. 

The artist stops again. 

LOOCHA
That one?

XENA
Gabrielle wanted to practice her sewing. We were out of cloth. 

LOOCHA
Ever consider getting a less dangerous partner?

XENA
Never. 

LOOCHA
Kinky. I like it. 

Xena is already getting antsy. She looks around for something interesting to do. 

XENA
Done yet?

LOOCHA
What? I've just started! Perfection can't be rushed!

Xena sighs and taps her fingers on her thigh. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ BANQUET HALL - AFTERNOON

Ulysses, his men, Gabrielle, and Radwar sit at table. On the table are the remains of a sumptuous feast. Radwar, however is sitting in the best chair, with a bored, irritated expression. 

RADWAR
Enough! You've stalled me long enough, Useless!

ULYSSES
That's Ulysses.

RADWAR
Show me the dowry! No more food, no more tales! 

GABRIELLE
(dryly)
Glad you enjoyed them. 

Ulysses knows, however, that he can't stall Radwar much longer. 

ULYSSES
Well, now that we've all relaxed, and had a great meal... how about a tour?

Radwar has had it. He stands up and shoves his plate across the table, sending crockery flying everywhere. A large splat of something green lands on Ulysses chest. 

RADWAR
I've had enough. Either you show me what I want, or it's off!  I'll take my son and call in my troops!  

ULYSSES
But, Radwar!

Radwar points at Ulysses in a rage.

RADWAR
Now! Show me now, or we're at WAR!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - AFTERNOON

The artist is painting. Xena is visibly bored out of her mind. 

LOOCHA
Stop fidgeting. 

XENA
I’m not fidgeting. 

The artist looks around her canvas. Almost every part of Xena's body is moving as Xena stands and waits. 

LOOCHA
What is that, then?

XENA
What? I'm thinking!

LOOCHA
Look, can't you just think about something else?

Xena looks around, spots an artists pallet. She picks it up and examines it, then she throws it across the room. It bounces off the wall, off the window, off several statues, and ends up back in her hand. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
That's an interesting talent.

Xena tosses the pallet again. It bounces over several more surfaces, takes the nose off a clay work in progress, and startles Loocha's cat. The cat bolts. The pallet zooms on, hitting a column. 

Gabrielle enters just as the pallet streaks past. She catches it without breaking stride or even appearing to notice. 

GABRIELLE
Xena, we're running out of time. 

Gabrielle stops, looks at the pallet in her hand as if wondering where it came from. She frowns and tosses it aside. She walks over to Xena. 

XENA
Problems?

GABRIELLE
Ulysses' rival is here, and he wants to see the dowry. All of it, now, or he'll back out of the deal. 

LOOCHA
Men. 
(shaking head)
He'll have to wait. This can't be rushed. I'm an artist, not a magician. 

The artist peers around her canvas at Xena.

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Especially not with a subject like that! I won't do it!

Xena starts pacing.

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Hey! Hold still! This isn't a landscape!

GABRIELLE
You're going to have to paint faster.

LOOCHA
Paint faster? How insensitive! I am an artiste! A perfectionist! You have no idea of what you ask, oh biter of breasts!

GABRIELLE
Look, I....

Gabrielle stops dead. Xena finds something interesting to examine on the other side of the room.

GABRIELLE 
(Cont’d)
What did you just call me?

LOOCHA
What you have done to my perfection! It's a crime!

GABRIELLE
What??

LOOCHA
A crime!

Xena gets across the room just in time to get between Gabrielle and the artist. She grabs Gabrielle and holds her still.

XENA
Look. Either you do this fast, or not at all. 

The artist sighs melodramatically. 

LOOCHA
This is such a travesty. All right. I'll see what horrible inadequacy I can manage. But you have to stand still!

Xena releases Gabrielle. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Hey! Feisty one! Can't you do something to keep her quiet?!

Gabrielle peers around Xena's breast at Loocha. Her look is deadly. 

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
I hear you've really got a way with your tongue. 

Gabrielle's deadly look transfers itself to Xena. Xena pats Gabrielle's cheek with deep affection.

XENA
I told her what a good storyteller you are. 

GABRIELLE
(mollified)
Oh. 

LOOCHA
Must be something you can do to keep her still. 

Gabrielle considers.

GABRIELLE
Mm....
(grinning)
There is, but I'll just tell a story instead since we're in public. 

Xena actually blushes. Gabrielle seats herself on a banquette, smirking. 

LOOCHA
Nice tint. I like it. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Ulysses has sweating men dragging bags, barrels, and boxes one after another in front of Radwar. 

ULYSSES
And here are the fleeces. Beautiful, huh? Just like I promised. They came from some gorgeous sheep.

RADWAR
I am sure you are well acquainted with them. 

The men drag a barrel of smoked fish in.

ULYSSES
Fish, from the most beautiful of our rivers!

RADWAR
Yes, yes, fine. This is all trivial. Where are the riches you promised? The wondrous painting? Show me that!

Ulysses checks the sundial. It's not looking good. 

ULYSSES
All righty! If it's the good stuff you want, let's bring it in! Get the pearls gleaned from the Aegean

Radwar grabs Ulysses by the scruff and shakes him.

RADWAR
I don't need to see pearls! I've got pearls coming out my ears. I've got rocks, I've got gold, and I've got soldiers that can smash you flat! The only thing you got that I want is that picture! So cough it up! Now!

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - LATE AFTERNOON

Gabrielle is lying on the banquette with her feet up, telling a story. Xena has her eyes closed, apparently in some kind of zen state.  The artist is busy painting. 

LOOCHA
Wait a minute....  Did you just say Caesar, Julius Caesar?

GABRIELLE
Yes. And he went and took his troops....

LOOCHA
Wasn't that twenty years ago?

GABRIELLE
Twenty-six. Anyway, as I was saying....

LOOCHA
You beat Caesar in your cradles? That's pretty funny! 

Gabrielle starts to correct the artist's impression. Xena's voice interrupts her. Xena still has her eyes closed. 

XENA
Don't bother explaining. 

Gabrielle stops.

GABRIELLE
Then I should start putting in the part where you diaper whipped Crassius, right?

Xena opens one eye and looks at Gabrielle. Gabrielle blows her a kiss. Xena rolls the open eye and shakes her head.

XENA
Are we done YET?

LOOCHA
Done? Hah!

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - EARLY EVENING.

Ulysses is being backed down the hallway, step by step.

ULYSSES
It's only fair that you let me prepare you for seeing it, Radwar! Slowly!

RADWAR
Stop stalling! Show me the picture!!!

ULYSSES
But....

RADWAR
NOW!!!!

CUT TO:

INT. ARTISTS' STUDIO WORKROOM - EARLY EVENING.

Gabrielle paces near the window. Xena looks like she wants to be pacing anywhere but where she is. It is silent except for the artist's brush scratching.  Finally, Gabrielle turns, Xena takes a breath, and....

XENA AND GABRIELLE
A....

LOOCHA
Done!

Xena and Gabrielle stop. 

XENA
What?

LOOCHA
Done. Finished. Complete. Ended. No more! Finite! 

Gabrielle darts behind the canvas to look. Her jaw drops. The artist has completed a masterpiece, and in its center is Xena in all her naked, slightly blushing glory. The artist smirks at the reaction. 

GABRIELLE
Wow!

LOOCHA
Am I the best, or what? Perfection!!!!!

Xena is pulling up the straps on her leathers. She grabs the painting as she starts for the door.

XENA
C'mon. Let's hope we're not too late. 

The artist sticks her brush behind her ear and races after Xena. 

LOOCHA
My masterpiece!!!

Gabrielle puts her hands on her hips and speaks to the empty room.

GABRIELLE
That'll hang in some guy's castle over MY DEAD BODY. 

Gabrielle turns and runs out.

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ TREASURE ROOM - EVENING

The door flings open. Ulysses is pushed inside. He stumbles and falls, but scrambles out of the way as Radwar charges after him. 

ULYSSES
Now, Radwar... just take it easy!

RADWAR
I will take it easy, you fraud! Once I've seen with my own eyes....

Radwar stops in his tracks. His eyes are on the wall. His jaw drops. 

ULYSSES
Okay, okay - I'll come clean! It was an accident! Honest! I didn't mean to....

Ulysses realizes Radwar isn't hearing a word he is saying. He turns around to see what Radwar is staring at. Mounted on the wall is a perfect picture of beauty, shining in the torchlight. 

ULYSSES 
(Cont’d)
Keep you waiting! No, but wasn't it worth the wait? Is that a picture, or what?

Radwar is in love. He pats Ulysses on the head absently as he stares at the picture. 

RADWAR
Now that is worth suffering peace for. 

Ulysses takes a second look at the painting, and suddenly realizes who it is of. He drums his fingers on his thigh in thought.

ULYSSES
Peace. Hm. You know, now that I'm thinking about it....  Boy, this picture sure means a lot to me....

Ulysses looks around. Seated on a treasure chest, he finds Xena glaring at him. 

ULYSSES 
(Cont’d)
And I'm sure you understand how hard... it is for me to let it go as part of my dear daughter's dowry. 

RADWAR
A king's ransom, indeed. All right. Let's go get the damn kids hitched so I can take this home. I've got a spot just waiting for it. Heh heh heh. 

Ulysses takes Radwar's arm and leads him out. He gives Xena and Gabrielle a big thumbs up. The artist strolls out and regards the picture. 

LOOCHA
Well, it sure beats being known as the face that launched a thousand ships, huh?

They follow Ulysses and Radwar out. 

CUT TO:

INT. ULYSSES’ BANQUET HALL -NIGHT

The hall is full of people celebrating Kelvin and Shana's wedding. Xena and Gabrielle are at the head table, along with the artist, as honored guests. They are once again dressed in their borrowed finery. 

Ulysses sits down next to them. 

ULYSSES
I owe you guys a big thanks. 

LOOCHA
You owe me a big commission. Pay up!

Ulysses gives her a look. 

ULYSSES
You'll get it! I promise. Tomorrow. 

LOOCHA
I've heard that story before. 

Xena gives them both a glare. The artist gets up.

LOOCHA 
(Cont’d)
Well, I'm at least going to get my money's worth of wine. See ya later, perfection! Thanks for the gorgeous memories!

The artist disappears into the crowd. Xena sighs and shakes her head. 

XENA
Well, it was for a good cause, anyway. 

ULYSSES
You can say that again. My daughter's happy, and my people are at peace. Thanks, Xena. 

Xena looks at him meaningfully.  Ulysses looks back at her. Xena kicks Ulysses under the table. 

ULYSSES 
(Cont’d)
Oh! And, of course! Yes! Thanks, Gabrielle!

Gabrielle smiles politely.

GABRIELLE
Glad we could help you and Radwar work out your differences. 

ULYSSES
Turns out we've got more in common than we thought. We worked out a deal to share that picture, heh heh. Well, gotta go mingle. Thanks again!

Ulysses leaves. Gabrielle drums her fingers on the arms of her chair. 

XENA
Sharing the painting. That's a riot. 

GABRIELLE
Riot. Hmm. 

Xena looks at Gabrielle. 

XENA
C'mon, Gabrielle. It's just a picture. 

Gabrielle leans forward and looks at the painting, mounted prominently on the wall and gathering great attention. 

GABRIELLE
It's not JUST a picture, Xena. 

Xena looks at the painting. She leans closer to Gabrielle. 

XENA
(softly)
But you've got the real thing. 

Gabrielle allows herself to be charmed. She smiles and lifts her cup, touching it against Xena's. 

GABRIELLE
Darn right I do. 

They drink, then get up to join the dancing as the crowd celebrates both the joining, and the peace it brings to all of them. 

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

EXT. ULYSSES' CITY - MORNING

Xena stands outside the gates with Argo II. She fiddles with Argo's saddle, obviously waiting for something. 

The gates open, and Gabrielle runs out, a rolled up tube in one hand. She goes to Argo II's side, and puts the tube inside her bag, tying the top very securely. 

GABRIELLE 
Ready! Let's go. 

Xena peers at the bag. 

XENA
What was that?

Gabrielle takes up her walking stick and starts off down the road. She's smirking. 

XENA 
(Cont’d)
Lemme guess.  It's the picture. 

Gabrielle smirks harder, and chuckles to herself.  Xena catches up to her and they walk along. 

XENA 
(Cont’d)
How'd you con them out of it? 

Gabrielle pauses, and though she is savoring the moment. She turns to look at Xena.

GABRIELLE
I... have many skills. 

Xena chuckles and puts her arms around Gabrielle's shoulders. 

XENA
You've been waiting twenty-six years to say that, haven't you? 

GABRIELLE
Bet your boots I have.

They both laugh, as they start their journey down the long road.

FADE OUT.

DISCLAIMER
Xena's modesty was not harmed during the making of this motion picture and Gabrielle's REALLY glad there were no Xerox machines.