Copyright 1998 Scottish Daily Record & Sunday Mail Ltd.

Daily Record May 29, 1998, Friday

SECTION: Page 18

LENGTH: 1173 words

HEADLINE: SEXY? ONLY IF YOU’RE A LAD WITH STICKY FINGERS AND A DIRTY MIND; POLL THE OTHER ONE: FHM’S TOP 100 GIRLS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEAUTY AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH LUST;

FHM magazine presents list of 100 sexy women

Sad news for the lads with sweaty fingers. The July edition of FHM, which claims it is read by three million men - and apparently 600,000 deluded women - will have to be sealed inside a plastic cover.

Allegedly, it is much too hot to handle - according to the hype or, possibly, the sensibilities of W.H. Smith’s other customers.

Either way, anyone who wants to see those whom this Boys’ Own bible have chosen - in a poll of 500,000 - as, quote, "The 100 sexiest women in the world" not to mention, "17 amazing clip frame- friendly prints", will have to put their perspiring palms in their pockets and pay out close on pounds 3.

No chance to get their ersatz sexual kicks for free.

Ever helpful - and just in case you want to save your money - let me end the suspense and tell you, for nothing, that the sexiest of them all and numero uno on the FHM hot totty list is one Jenny McCarthy.

I know, I hadn’t a clue about the woman either ... although the Deputy Editor of FHM, Anthony Noguera, aged 28- and-a-half, tells me severely that: "Every male in Britain aged between 15 and 35 will recognise and know her."

Intimately, I should say after looking at the snaps of blondish Jenny and her silicon- enhanced superstructure behind that pounds 3 plastic chastity belt.

Mind you I hope they give her some of the money and then she might be able to afford another dose of peroxide for those mousey roots.

Jenny McC is 26 and a sometime star of MTV. She kicks boxers. Sorry, kick boxes. Although, for all I know, she goes for Y-fronts as well - because Jenny is being marketed as just one of the lads.

Anyway, Anthony assures me that Jenny was chosen, not by him, but by the mag’s readers, female as well as male.

If I really want to know, he will let me into a secret and confess that, personally, he doesn’t think she’s anything like the prettiest girl in the world.

He said: "She’s very short and actually quite plump, even fat, isn’t she? She’s got cellulite. I saw it when I interviewed her and, yes, her bum is absolutely enormous.

"We’re not really talking a Claudia Schiffer (in at number 75) or a Helena Christensen (placed 47^th) here."

Indeed we are not.

So why does Anthony think she came first - although, apparently, it was a damn close run thing between her and numbers 2, 3 and 4 - Denise van Outen, Louise Nurding and Jennifer Aniston, if you are interested.

"It was just like Eurovision," he breaths ... or pants.

"We were all kept guessing until the very last moment and last vote.

"But she won because she’s sexy blonde and American. Plus she’s accessible. Men think they might just have a chance with a girl like Jenny. She isn’t intimidating. She swears like a trooper and drinks beer.

"In fact, she could drink most guys under the table."

Clearly FHM’s sort of woman. Someone who will sick up all over her petticoat.

And that, of course, is what is so pathetic about this so-called poll.

It’s not about beauty and it isn’t even about being sexy. It’s all about girls who will stick out their artificial chests for the boys at the pop of a camera or a cheque.

Most of all it’s about the so-called New Lads’ view of what they want women to be.

Babes who will cuss and get guttered and who will never, ever tell the boys that they are nothing but a bunch of silly, smutty Georgie Porgies, still yelling dirty words in the school playground and asking girls to show them their knickers.

The bosom buddies, in fact, of men like Chris Evans and Gazza. Replaceable Zoes, Ulrikas and Antheas. But, above all, these women do not threaten men.

They are never going to really challenge them in any meaningful way - except about who can drink the most Becks.

It’s rather disheartening too to old bags like me, who fought the liberation wars, that freedom and equality have come down to being allowed to throw up with the boys.

It is also, as we reach the millennium, an extremely old- fashioned image.

Sexy, despite everything, is still the girl with big boobs and little brain who climbs in and out of tarty underwear at the sound of the master’s - or FHM’s - bidding.

Not that McCarthy doesn’t have her female fans. PR person Susan De Vere, who is publicising this momentous event, trills: "She’s so natural and friendly. You’d love her, love her. Really very sweet."

And how often have she and Susan actually met and bonded girlishly together?

"Oh, we’ve never actually MET, although I did once see her, fleetingly. But we’ve exchanged lots of faxes recently."

But I suppose I should, in all fairness, allow the sexiest woman in the world to have the last word.

Let’s all hear it from her own silicone-implanted lips: "I am dedicating my award to all those bitches and all those others who told me I would never make it."

So now we know. Making it in 1998 is a dirty picture for dirty young men to stick in their amazing clipframes, over which they can slaver and drool.

THE FULL LIST

1 Jenny McCarthy

2 Denise Van Outen

3 Louise Nurding

4 Jennifer Aniston

5 Cameron Diaz

6 Carmen Electra

7 Catherine Deeley

8 Melanie Sykes

9 Courteney Cox

10 Gillian Anderson

11 Isla Fisher

12 Yasmine Bleeth

13 Dannii Minogue

14 Natalie Imbruglia

15 Teri Hatcher

16 Alicia Silverstone

17 Kate Winslet

19 Sophie Anderton

20 Melanie Blatt

21 Samantha Janus

22 Kylie Minogue

23 Sandra Bullock

24 Elizabeth Hurley

25 Melinda Messenger

26 Rhona Mitra

27 Emma Noble

28 Nicole Appleton

29 Kelly Brook

30 Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

31 Neve Cambell

32 Natalie Appleton

33 Joanne Guest

34 Salma Hayek

35 Victoria Adams

36 Cindy Crawford

37 Nicola Charles

38 Anna Friel

39 Pamela Anderson

40 Zoe Ball

41 Dani Behr

42 Tyra Banks

43 Shania Twain

44 Emma Bunton

46 Mariah Carey

47 Helena Christensen

48 Kate Moss

49 Drew Barry More

50 Ulrika Jonsson

51 Martine McCutcheon

52 Demi Moore

53 Lisa Kudrow

54 Angelica Bridges

55 Melissa George

56 Kimberly Davies

57 Winona Ryder

58 Geri Halliwell

59 Tina Hobley

60 Elle Macpherson

61 Davina McCall

62 Uma Thurman

63 Kathy Loyd

64 Phillipa Forester

65 Traci Bingham

66 Gwyneth Paltrow

67 Natasha Henstridge

68 Liv Tyler

69 Claire Danes

70 Elizabeth Shue

71 Emmanuelle Beart

72 Catalina

73 Meg Ryan

74 Anna Kournikova

75 Claudia Schiffer

76 Donna D’Errico

77 Jayne Middlemiss

78 Mel Chisholm

79 Kirsty Wright

81 Sarah Michelle Gellar

82 Sharon Stone

83 Yasmin Le Bon

84 Catherine Zeta Jones

85 Emma Harrison

86 Davina Taylor

87 Eva Herzigova

88 Sara Cox

90 Melanie Brown

91 Jennifer Love Hewitt

92 Tea Leoni

93 Halle Berry

94 Claire Goose

95 Natalia Cigliuti

96 Nicole Kidman

97 Gena Lee Nolin

98 Melissa Tkautz

99 Helen Baxendale

100 Renee Zellweger

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