Coming Home
Review by DJWP
d_jwp@hotmail.com
Well, the long wait is over.
I only watched it once because everyone wanted to get back to sleep, so here is what happened from my very groggy memory:
Ares, as a mortal, is leading an army and has been invading and destroying Amazon Land. Now, the army doesn't know he is a mortal ... they still think he is a god. And he's doing a good job of hiding the fact that he is mortal from them, at least for the time being.
Why is he leading an army against the Amazons, you ask? Cause he's sick and tire of being mortal already. He believes that the Amazons have a secret stash of ambrosia, and he intends to get him some.
(I happened to know that this is true, my own amazon tribe has its own secret stash and we nibble on it at every Amazon party ;-)
Xena, Gabrielle and Eve come upon a patrol from Ares's army beating up the Amazons pretty bad. Of course, they step in and turn the situation around, sending the soldiers running off with bloody noses.
The Amazons thank the new arrivals. Good moment when they all introduce themselves to one another. Not only do they recognize the name Xena (of course), but Gabrielle gets a nod of recognition as a fellow Amazon Queen by the now-reigning Amazon Queen.
Marga, the current Queen, explains that Ares has been destroying their land and driving them off. They aint gonna take it no more and are making a stand.
Xena goes off to find Ares to talk with him. She can't seem to understand why he is after them and wants to get to the bottom of it. She leaves Gabrielle and Eve with the Amazons.
Eve, in the meantime, has a couple of flashbacks about her past encounters with the Amazons. Apparently, she is also a bit responsible for their dwindling numbers back when she was Livia.
In fact, the Amazon second-in-command sorta of recognizes her, but can't seem to remember where -- at least, not at the moment.
GREAT SCENE ALERT!
Back at Ares tent, Ares is having a bit of a bad day. Nope, he's not enjoying this mortality thing AT ALL. In fact, a fly keeps buzzing him and he can't even seem to kill that damn thing.
Xena steps in and, of course, catches the annoying fly with one swoop of her hand, dropping it crushed to the floor. Another of her many skills, Xena -- Warrior Fly Swatter.
She saunters up to Ares and asks him what's his problem, and surprises the heck out of me by asking him what's taking him so long in getting rid of the Amazons. She suggests that they should work together and get rid of them once and for all.
Ares's expression is priceless. Of course, he doesn't trust her -- not one bit. She's up to something (I was wondering that myself). But mortal men very rarely think with their brains, and that's true for Ares, especially when Xena leans in to convince him with a big, wet Lucy-Lawless open-mouthed kiss.
Just in the nick of time, Gabrielle walks in the tent. "What's going on?" she exclaims, shocked!
Xena says we're planning to work together to get rid of the Amazons.
Oh good, Gabrielle says, saunters over and plops herself happily on Ares other side.
Ares can't believe it. He is in the middle of a Xena and Gabrielle sandwich. Things are definitely looking up. Maybe this mortality thing isn't so bad after all.
Then Eve walks in. Remember me? she says, looking a lot more like Livia then the sad little repetitive Eve she looked like moments ago.
Some great lines here, and especially one about a foursome (had me laughing, Missy), and Ares is one happy ex-god. Who wouldn't be?
A bit of coercing later, and Ares runs off to get his army ready to rid of the world of Amazons.
What the F*RK is going on, I'm thinking? Something is definitely up (besides Ares, that is). Sure enough, the Livia-Gabrielle-Xena sandwich dissolves into the Furies. The Furies plan to drive Ares mad, get him to kill Xena the Godkiller so they will be safe and then ...
They will take over the world!!!
So, now the Furies are following Ares around, taunting him in the visage of Xena and Gabrielle, and generally driving him coo-coo for cocoa-puffs.
His soldiers think he is a few arrows short of a quiver; they can't see the Furies you see, and Ares is talking and fighting with himself.
The real Xena and Gabrielle come, and to try and figure out what's going on. One look at Ares arguing with himself and apparently getting answers, and it's obvious. Ares has a good case of the Furies. He's acting just like Xena acted when she was infected.
Xena tries to warn Ares that the Furies are in his head, but the Furies block her efforts, and convince him that he needs to attack the Amazons and ...
Kill em all!
So, off marches the army in the direction of the Amazon forest.
Now, how in the Xenaverse do we stop a large army that has to march through a mountain pass to get to their objective?
You've got it. It's those old rocks again (stock footage from Necessary Evil) and a bit of new CGI - Xena throws the God-Killing Chakram, the rocks fall, and voila! Army is stopped, but not for long.
Meanwhile, back at the Amazon ranch, Eve has a great conversation with Varia. Great scene where they compare scars (love that, Missy), and Varia talks Eve into teaching her a move or two (nice delivery by the Varia actress: "How 'bout showing me a few moves?" She was a cutie-patootie -- moves, indeed <eg>)
So, Eve takes her out and shows her a thing or two. Varia moves great and there is a bit of good training action (nice to see Amazons training for battle -- Missy is excellent with her Amazons). But when Eve shows Varia her very favorite move, the jig is up. Varia recognizes her as "The Bitch of Rome" - responsible for the death of many of her sisters. Eve is taken as a prisoner for her crimes against the Amazons.
X&G come back to Amazon camp just in time to see Eve bound and tied and being tortured in the middle of a circle of Amazons. Not very smart of the Amazons to play 'poke-the-Bitch' with Xena's daughter.
Needles to say, Xena is a bit upset. She tells them they don't have time for this; there is an army right around the corner (busy removing boulders, but right around the corner) and they need to concentrate on the problem at hand.
Marga says Eve must pay for her crimes.
ANOTHER GREAT SCENE ALERT
Gab steps up to the plate (its her turn at bat). Tells Marga in no uncertain terms, if she f**cks with Xena's daughter, Marga is going to have to f**ck with her.
Marga says, "Are you challenging me?"
You betcha, she is.
Marga thinks about that for a moment and ... backs down (more whoops from the viewing gallery). She admits that they need Xena, so she puts off punishing Eve for later.
They take Eve away to the Amazon prison hut.
So, next scene, Eve is tied up in prison and Varia has snuck in. Orders or no, she's going to slit her throat.
Of course, Xena steps in, none-too-pleased to find Varia with a knife at her daughter's throat. Great delivery by Lucy here with a classic "Xena line"
"You mess with her and you're going to have to mess with me. And believe me ... <icy, icy Xena warrior glare here) ... you are NOT ready for that."
Of course, Varia's knows she's not ready for that. Frozen like a scared rabbit in headlights, she takes a nice gulp and backs down.
It's sensitive chat time between Xena and Eve. Eve is horrified by what she has done to the Amazons. Xena says its not easy to apologize to people you love, and turns around and proceeds to apologize to Gabrielle for the 'Chakattack'.
Gabrielle has forgiven her, of course, and all agree that it is best that they concentrate on dispatching the Furies.
It's godkilling time.
Back at Camp Bellvue, Ares is just about ready for a straight jacket. His army is getting a liiitttle nervous, too. Has the God of War lost his marbles?
Xena is really worried about Ares, and arrives back in camp, trying to warn him that it's the Furies who are kicking up the dust in his head. But Ares takes one look at her and goes wack-o! He loved her, but she NEVER really loved him! (great job here by Kevin Smith). She betrayed him. Imagine that ... BETRAYED HIM! Ares vows to kill her and all the Amazons!
Back at the Amazon Camp, we are preparing for battle. X&G arrive back to camp (geez, they've spent a lot of time going back and forth between these two camps).
Xena pleads with the Amazons that there are just too many soliders; they are grossly out-numbered. Instead of fighting, they should flee.
But Marga, the Queen will have none of that. They plan to stand and fight!
Ares army is back on the march. The boulders have been removed, and they are on their way.
Amazon and Army square off face to face, and the battle is imminent.
The Amazons do not intend to give up one more inch of land (but the soldiers can keep the rocks).
Just as arrows and swords are about to fly, Xena arrives galloping into the battlefield (but not on Argo or Argo II or Argo III). She insults Ares, and wallops him a good one, right in front of the troops. He lands butt first into the dust. As Ares wipes off the blood from the punch, Xena points out the fact to the boys that Gods aren't suppose to bleed, dontcha know?
If they weren't doubtful about Ares before, they sure as Dead-Hades are doubtful now.
Ares picks his butt up and goes for Xena in a snit.
He jumps on a horse, and chases after her. With Ares gone, the army loses their nerve. They retreat and the Amazons have won without so much as losing an arrow. We cheer in victory.
Now, there is a horse chase through the woods and I'm guessing they climb up a mountain to the snow.
Back at the Amazon camp, Gabrielle arrives and helps Eve to escape from her prison hut. "Come on! Hurry! Take the blankets!" Gabrielle says as she unties Eve, and they stop to pick up a few blankets along the way.
(I'm smelling a plan here).
When Ares finally catches up, Xena is standing beside a partially frozen lake or pond ... well, its very cold water, let me put it that way.
Xena throws her chakram at the ex-God of War and misses! In fact, the chakram doesn't come back at all.
<I'm REALLY smelling a plan here).
Xena and Ares trade blows (they have such a healthy relationship). Xena lands quite a few good ones, but I'm afraid the ex-God is still a little too much for Xena.
He knocks the stuffing out of her and she falls into the frozen lake ... um pond ... um cold water.
Xena gets in one good line before, though, before finally getting whacked into Davy Jones cold locker -- "You may have been a god, but you'll never be a man."
Ares knocks her a good one and in she goes.
(Hmmm, that seemed just TOO easy to me - it STINKS of plan).
Ares announces that not only is he a man ... he is THE man. Xena floats unconscious in the ice-cold water and drifts under the ice.
A chilling scene as Ares talks disjointedly to a suffocating Xena (remember, the Furies are still in his head). And he watches while Xena drowns. Xena is dead. Ares has avenged the death of the Gods. The Furies are satisfied. They leave Ares's head and materialize in the snow.
Guess what comes flying back! That faithful ole God-Killing chakram all of a sudden zooms on in and takes all three of them Furies out!
Once the Furies have been neatly dispatched, Ares head is clear and he realizes what he has done.
Xena is a Popsicle again.
He howls in grief and jumps in to save her, pulling her from the icy fingers of death and onto the shore. In runs Gabrielle and Eve. Good thing they brought those blankies! While Ares stands there, useless, not knowing what to do, Gabrielle takes over.
They wrap Xena up and start attempting to revive her.
Now, what in the Xenaverse do we do when one of the lead characters has stopped breathing?
Well, we may not be able to get them to kiss, but we can do the next best thing ...
Yes, its mouth to mouth time, folks, and this time its Gabrielle who invents the method.
A few good puffs later, Xena coughs up half the pond and (this is the good part), promptly catches her chakram. Ya gotta love it!
Good plan, we hear Gabrielle say. What did I tell ya -- its always a part of the plan. So, Xena is revived. And Ares is sitting on a rock, feeling his aches and pains, and a little bit sorry for himself.
Xena walks up and they have a tender, sensitive chat.