Parental Advisory Rating: L, AC

Break out those V-Chips, everyone!

Credits:

Created, Produced, Directed and Written:

Fanatic and TNovan

I slip out of bed, moving as quietly as I can. Taking a seat on the floor by the windows, I pull my laptop out of its case and boot it up. We have yet to buy furniture for the apartment other than the bed. I don't think we need much more, except maybe a good gas barbecue for the terrace and I don't know if that qualifies as furniture.

Kelsey didn't want anything from her old apartment other than her clothing, jewelry and a few items of Erik's. The rest of the apartment, lock, stock and barrel, has been sold. While my apartment in LA was comfortably furnished, it certainly wasn't meant for anyone other than Trouble and myself. I told Bear to take what he wanted and sell the rest for me. We could have used some of the stuff here temporarily, I suppose, but I wanted to support Kels' desire for a clean start. Besides, shopping makes my Little Roo happy.

For me, a good day of shopping is one avoided.

Kelsey didn't think I was very funny when I suggested we try to completely furnish our apartment on-line. I thought it would be a fun challenge and an interesting conversation piece. Apparently, I am missing some of the joy of shopping as she understands it.

Maybe I can fly Rene and Mama up here to go with her.

I glance over to the bed where Kels has snuggled into the down comforter and curled around my pillow. The nightmares seem to have stopped. She's sleeping through the night again. I know that's doing her a world of good. And me, too.

Hmmm, it's interesting. She's been sleeping peacefully since the night we made love at the hotel. I must be good medicine.

I look down at the screen and dig around my directories until I find my secret stash. What to play? Hmm? Doom? Nah. Not in the mood for a shoot 'em up. Indy 500? Nah. Really need to have a steering wheel to hold on to for that one to be fun. Ah, there it is. Good, old fashioned solitaire.

I look over at Kels again who has grumbled and tossed my pillow away. Apparently, even in her sleep, she knows the difference. I chuckle a little, knowing she won't wake up for another hour or so. I didn't buy her a feather bed like the one at home for nothing.

A baby.

She wants a baby. A little bitty life to join ours. Wow. That means a real family. Real responsibility. Real commitment. No more fuckin' around. Ever.

Man, when we jump, we jump from the highest damn spot we can find.

I need a friggen ace.

So now I have a new job, new house. Oh, yeah, a new car. I swear, I get horny thinking about my Ranger Rover. And not because I have feelings for it, but for the woman who'll be in it with me. Wonder if there are any drive-in movie theaters around here. Do those even exist anymore? I know there aren't any in Manhattan, but maybe in one of the boroughs. Or Jersey. God, I'd love to take Kels to a movie and not watch it. It's hard to see through a fogged up windshield. And lying down in the backseat.

A baby. Our own little bundle of joy. A full-time bundle of joy. Eighteen years of joy. And then they move out and need college tuition money joy. Wow.

We have an appointment at the clinic this afternoon to discuss our options. This is really going to happen. We're going to have a baby.

Wow.

What in God's name have I gotten myself in to? I mean, I've gone from footloose and fancy free to settled. Really settled. In three months.

Oh my God.

Am I insane?

I mean, I can understand Kels' reasoning. She needs to reaffirm life, to feel like it can go on despite all that has happened.

What do I need?

Her.

I need her. Just as much as I need air and water and sleep and sex.

"Tabloid?" Kelsey's sleepy voice reaches me, startling me out of my thoughts. "Whatcha' doing?"

Panicking. Thinking about you. Instead, I say, "Playing solitaire."

"What time is it?" She lifts her head, her hair tousled from sleep, and squints at the clock.

"Five-thirty. Go back to sleep, sweetheart. We still have a little time before we need to start getting ready for work."

I hear her sigh and watch with interest as she stretches. She's like Trouble, arching her back in almost the same manner. I'd like to scratch her right behind her …

"You know, it's silly to sit there playing with yourself, when you could come over here and play with me."

I look down at the screen. Hell, I was never gonna get an ace anyhow. And, I like to go with the sure winner.

* * *

I finish dressing and step out into the waiting room. Harper is leaning against the wall reading the content label of a Coke can. She seems very intent on memorizing every ingredient.

I move over beside her and whisper, "Water, sugar, caffeine…"

She looks down at me and releases the breath she was apparently holding. "Kels," she burrs. I can see the relief in her eyes. "How'd it go?"

"Well, it was like any other physical." I shrug. "Don't know what to tell you, Tabloid. It was entirely medical." I grin at her, knowing that she hated letting me be in there alone. Truth is, I figured the doctor would be able to do her job a lot easier without six feet of overprotective girlfriend glaring at her from across the room.

"So now what?" she asks, shifting her weight from one side to the other.

She's really nervous. It's very cute. "The doctor wants to talk to us. She said it'd be a few minutes. So, why don't we sit down?" I take hold of her hand and tug on it, trying to guide her to the nearby chairs.

"Don't wanna sit down," she mumbles.

I give her arm a pat, and drop myself down into one of the seats. It really feels good to sit with my legs crossed, if you know what I mean. "Okay, sweetheart. You stand there and hold up the wall." I pick up a very old magazine and glance at her again. That Coke can is never going to survive.

* * *

Finally, the receptionist sends us back into the doctor's office. We take a seat in there and wait for her to come see us. I try to distract myself by reading all the diplomas hung on the wall. Dr. Lillian Solomon got her MD from John Hopkins Medical School - not bad - and has a Board Certification in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility.

Hell, Kels isn't infertile. I am.

Well, at least, for our current purposes.

What else has our good doctor done? She's a Fellow with the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology. I snicker. 'For she's a jolly, good fellow …' starts running through my mind.

I never will understand men who become gynecologists. Okay, that's not exactly true. It is an intriguing area of a woman's body. One I have enjoyed visiting frequently. Just I'd hate for it all to become routine. What a shame that would be.

Now, a woman gyn doesn't have that same problem.

If she's straight.

Shit, I didn't ask Kels about that out in the waiting room. I have to wait and see. God, I hope the doc is married with six kids of her own and absolutely, positively heterosexual. I've had enough of lesbian doctors hanging around my Little Roo.

I glance over the Kels, who is watching me out of the corner of her eye with a smirk on her face. "What?" I ask, tossing up my hands in question as well.

"You're nervous," she accuses. I can hear the laughter on the edge of her voice.

"I am not!"

"Then why is your leg twitching?"

I drop my hand down to my knee to hold it still. Traitor. "Is not," I pout.

She leans into me, caressing my cheek and giving me a little kiss. "Relax. I love you."

My forehead meets hers. "I love you, too."

The door opens and the good doctor steps in.

Thank you, sweet Jesus!

Dr. Solomon is in her mid- to late-fifties with graying hair and glasses, complete with a dope rope so she can't lose them. She's the perfect picture of what a mother should be. Well, not perfect. Only my Mama is perfect, but the doc will do.

"Well now," Dr. Solomon starts, opening the folder she placed on her desk.

I reach over to take hold of Kels' hand. I don't know if it's meant to comfort me or her more.

"Kelsey, I have good news and bad news."

We grip each other's hands instinctively. Oh God, please don't let our hopes end right here. Kels has been so excited about this. So have I, truth be told. That and scared out of my ever-lovin' mind.

Okay, if there's a problem, what are our options here? We can adopt. There are lots of kids in this world who need what we can give them. Or I could …

My thoughts are interrupted by Kels', soft, scared voice. "And?"

I rub my thumb on the back of her hand. It's gonna be okay, Little Roo. I'll make it okay.

Dr. Solomon removes her glasses and lets them dangle against her chest. "The good news is you are in perfect health and I see no reason why you can't conceive."

The sigh of relief from us both is audible. I know my heart and stomach are pleased to be back below my throat where they belong. Now if they'd only settle down. Who knew they could do the tango?

"So what's the bad news?" I ask. I'm confused.

"Well, Harper, I don't know how to tell you this," Dr. Solomon pauses dramatically, making me want to strangle her, "but you can't get Kelsey pregnant." She grins and winks at me.

Oh, man, a doctor with a sense of humor. I'm never gonna survive this. I hear Kelsey laughing and suddenly, I feel better too.

"So," Kels says, through her relieved laughter, "what are our options?"

"Basically, you need to find a sperm donor."

It's nonchalant answer, like she does this everyday. Hell, what am I thinking? She does do this everyday.

"You have two options: either an anonymous donor from a sperm bank or a friend or family member donating. With an anonymous donor you can still try for certain physical characteristics. Some places have you send in a picture of the person you're trying to match - in this case, Harper - and they sort through the donors for one that looks similar. Of course, all donors have been screened for genetic disorders and transmittable diseases. Some couples prefer an anonymous donor because they feel the child is more their own that way. Others prefer a friend or family member being involved. Obviously, if a family member is chosen then the physical characteristics desired are more likely to be present. Also, some couples feel a closer connection to the child if there has been someone close to them involved. It really depends on each couple's own comfort level." She spreads her hands and leans back in her chair. "Have you two given thought yet about what type of donor you want?"

Kelsey looks at me for my opinion first. I hate going first. Biting the bullet, I say, "I kinda like the idea of the kid having 25% of my DNA. It'd make me feel more a part of it. But, I'll do whatever Kels wants."

She smiles at me sweetly. "I'd like to see if your brothers would be interested in helping out, too."

"Brothers?" Dr. Solomon echoes.

"Yeah, I have four of them. Well, actually, I'm not counting Lucien lately."

* * *

The news was good all the way around for us. I'd be walking on clouds if I didn't still have to use my cane occasionally. I think it would poke through them. I'm not even going to attempt to hide the smile on my face.

This is a good day.

Wonderful news from the doctor, only a few things to clear up at work, and then we can head out and pack for our flight home in the morning. I feel so good, I'm not even stressed about flying.

Harper goes off to give her research assistant some job or the other to do while we're gone. I think we have an assignment, but she hasn't talked about it yet.

Brian meets me at my office door with a file and a mug of tea. He pushes my door open for me, handing me the cup as I pass through. "What do they call skydiving lawyers?"

"Huh?" What the hell was that?

He grins at me while I get settled behind my desk. One hand lands on his hip and he gestures with the file. "What do they call skydiving lawyers?" he says again slowly, clearly enunciating every word.

Ah, I get it now. A joke. "What?"

"Skeet."

I laugh at his little joke and he drops the file down on my desk. Shaking my head, I flip the file open. "What do we have here?"

"Nothing earth shattering. They want you to get with the photographer for your publicity shots and that's a schedule of the times she's available."

"Thanks." Hmm. "That reminds me, Brian, is Langston around today?"

He chuckles and rolls his eyes. "The man is always around. In fact, I don't think he's been home in ten years. His wife put his face on a milk carton last month. None of us phoned in a sighting of him, though. You want me to get him on the phone for you?"

"Please."

"Okey dokey. Two shakes then." He leaves my office.

I look over at the picture of Erik. "You two would have made a fun couple, my friend. Though, he might have scared you a little a first." I sigh, now looking at the picture of Harper and me. I owe Robie so big.

The intercom buzzes. Brian announces in a very professional manner that Langston is on the line. I pick up the phone. "Stanton here."

"Kelsey, what can I do for you?"

"Do you have five minutes to spare? I'd like to talk to you."

"Sure. You coming now?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

"I really think I need a change. I'd like your permission to have it done."

Richard settles back in his chair and gives me a long look. I definitely feel under the microscope. "Kelsey, we hired you for a certain look." He shrugs, as if the conversation is over.

All right, I'm not going to say the first thing that came to mind and I'm going to try to be tactful. I clear my throat softly before making another attempt. "Do you look in the mirror every morning?"

"Why, doesn't it look like it?" he jokes.

"Do you?" I persist. I have a point to make here.

He seems confused by my question, but nods. "Of course. My wife says I need to look a bit more. But, yeah, when I shave and get ready for work."

God, this is so hard to say. "I do, too. And do you know what I see? I see the face of a woman who is responsible for the deaths of no less than nine people, including my best friend. All because some psycho was fixated on the way I look. Richard, I was nearly killed because of it." I clench my jaw to allow the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach to pass before I continue. Swallowing the pain, and forcing back the tears, I repeat, "I'd very much like to change my look. I'm not asking to change my hair color, get a boob job or pierce my nose, I just want to cut my hair."

He still doesn't look convinced.

I take notice of the family photo on his desk, may as well use it in my favor. "If it were your wife or daughter, in the same situation, you wouldn't deny her the opportunity."

His eyes wander over to the photo as well. For a long moment he studies it, then nods. Leaning forward to rest his arms on his desk, he offers me a sincere smile. "I think we can accommodate your request, Kelsey. The staff stylist will take care of it for you. Vanessa does amazing work. I'm sure you'll be pleased."

"Thank you." I stand, offering him my hand. When he takes it, I hold his hand a bit longer than necessary and give it a gentle squeeze. "Thank you, very much."

"You're welcome, Kelsey. For what it's worth, I think you're a very brave woman."

I give him a small smile and shake my head. "I'm merely lucky." When I get to his door, his voice stops me again.

"Hey, Kelsey?"

"Yeah?" I turn to face him.

"How's Harper gonna take this change?" His smirk indicates how he thinks it'll go over.

"Well, if I turn up on your doorstep asking to use your guest room, it didn't go well."

He laughs. "Deal."

* * *

I lock up my office, finished for the day, and preparing to go get my Little Roo. I'm gonna take her out to the most expensive dinner I can find in the city. That shouldn't be too hard. A damn deli sandwich around here costs eight dollars. Actually, I'm thinking Jean Georges for dinner tonight. It's a fabulous French restaurant across the Park from our apartment.

Twirling my keys on my finger, I head for Kels' office. Sticking my head in, I find she's not there.

"Hi ya, stud," Brian says, sticking his head in beside mine. He makes a show of examining the office. "Looking for someone?"

I take a step back. I like my personal space. Something Brian has no concept of, apparently. I'm not quite sure what to make of him but, Kels has always done well with gay guys. Hopefully, he'll become a great friend to my girl. "Where's Kels?"

"In make-up. She had a meeting with Langston. Then she came back to say she was going down to make-up and would be back in an hour." He grabs ahold of my wrist and turns it over to look at my watch. "She should be back in twenty minutes or so. Nice watch, by the way, stud. Was it a gift?"

I glare at him and ignore his question. "Something must have been wrong with her style sitting that they need to get cleared up."

"Could be. Want some coffee?"

Ugh. Coffee? My stomach has been so knotted up today I think coffee is the last thing it wants. It'd probably kill me. But, there is comfort food. "How about chocolate milk?"

"Surprisingly, that I can do. Cop a squat in the boss' office and I'll go get it."

I move into Kels' office and throw myself down on her nice leather couch, stretching out, feet dangling over one arm. It's much nicer than the one she had in LA. Man, I didn't realize how tired I was. Getting up early with Kels was invigorating, and certainly not conducive to extra sleep. Not that I minded it in the least.

I'm gonna close my eyes for a moment. Of course, if I lay here for very long I'll be sound asleep. What will I do when Kels is pregnant and I'm fetch and carry gal for a nine long months?

"Here you go, stud."

I open my eyes to find Brian placing a large glass of chocolate milk on the coffee table.

"Thanks." I mumble, sitting up, rubbing my face with my hands.

"Mind if I ask you a question?"

"You already did." It's an old joke, I know, but I can't resist. I never like it when people start off with that. Makes me feel like I'm being set up. Which I probably am. "I reserve the right to not answer."

"Like I've never heard 'no comment' around here before," Brian whines. He takes a seat next to me and crosses his legs. Spying a bit of lint on his thigh, he picks it off delicately.

I take a long drink of the milk. Damn, that's cold. I lick off my milk moustache. Maybe in a few months, I'll be licking off a different type of milk.

"I noticed the picture of Kelsey and Erik Collins." He gestures to it, in case I don't know which one he's talking about.

"Uh huh." I nod. I bet I know what's coming next.

"Well, it's obvious, because of you two, especially, that they were a sham. So, I was wondering was Erik…" His question trails off.

It's an old reporter's trick, and one I certainly won't fall for. "He's dead. Does it really matter now?"

"No," Brian admits, but continues, "it's only there were always rumors about him in the gay community. I was curious."

Don't kill him, Harper. He's new. He doesn't know what Erik meant to Kels. That their love for each other wasn't a sham in any sense of the word. They just didn't sleep together. "Erik was Kelsey's best friend and his death nearly devastated her. Whether or not he was gay is no longer an issue. And it certainly doesn't matter a good Goddamn to me."

"Okay." From the slump of his shoulders, I can tell he's been duly chastised. He gets up from his chair and heads out of the office.

Jesus. It's like I kicked his dog or something. "Brian?"

He stops and turns toward me, ready to be reprimanded again.

"Perhaps you can fill the spot in Kels' heart left open by Erik's death," I admit quietly. Don't make me spell it out for you, kid.

"I promise to do my best, stud."

We gotta do something about my new nickname. Some other time, though.

I hear him give a wolf whistle as he walks out the door. My girl must be back. Or Bruce just walked down the hall. I snicker. Wonder how macho man would take that?

I enjoy another long swallow of the milk, letting in run slowly down my throat, when Kels walks in.

You ever snort chocolate milk out your nose?

* * *

"Tell me if you hate it and I'll let it grow back." I can't help but run my fingers through it again. It feels too strange, stopping so abruptly on my neck. It's amazing how losing a couple inches of hair can really change your entire look.

I leave the bathroom, showered and relaxed.

Harper pulls her garment bag out of the closet and tosses it on the bed. She shrugs and turns around to face me. "Babe, I don't hate it. I was only a little shocked, that's all."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. Honey, it's your hair, and if the boss said you can cut it, I got no problem with it."

"But do you like it?" I have to know the answer to this question. I watch her give me a long look, scrutinizing every part of my being. I can almost feel her eyes touching me.

"I'd like you bald and in a gunny sack," she finally pronounces.

Good answer, darling. "How about barefoot and pregnant?"

Harper laughs. It's unusual, actually. Normally she chuckles, always seeming to hold back a little. But, this is the genuine article. "I'd settle for that."

"Good. I figured if I was going to be making changes, I should go ahead and make a lot of them at once. Get it over with, so to speak." I wink at her.

"Well, I should hope you're coming to the end of your list by now." She grabs a couple hangers of clothing and transfers them into her garment bag.

"Actually, there is one more." I sit down on the mattress beside where she's packing.

I hear her groan. She stands up straight, placing her hands on her hips. "And what would that be?"

"Open the bag." I gesture to a shopping bag from Saks Fifth Avenue on the bed between us. I'm almost surprised that she hasn't already taken a look in it. She's typically very curious.

She gives me a quizzical look, but obeys. She opens the bag and removes my purchase, which has been wrapped in tissue paper. Peeling it back, she finds a black lace teddy. She holds it up in front of her by its thin straps. It obviously won't fit her. She smiles broadly at me.

I reach out and take it from her hands. "I think we should see if we can prove the doctor wrong. See if maybe we can get lucky tonight. In more ways than one." I toss the lingerie over my shoulder, and head toward the bathroom once again to change. After a few steps, I stop and turn back to her, finding her staring hungrily at me. "Unless, of course, you'd rather go ahead and pack. We do have an early morning flight."

"Pack later. Change now," she grunts, kicking off her boots and unfastening her belt.

So easy. I laugh, heading into the bathroom. "I thought so."

* * *

I am standing in the dressing room of the Zapa boutique in New Orleans. I'm almost surprised to be here. Harper and I had to race to make the plane this morning, and only ran on during the final boarding call. We overslept.

That's an exaggeration. We barely slept for an hour before we had to leave to make the flight home. The rest of the night had been spent trying to make Dr. Solomon a liar. I don't think it worked, but, damn, it was fun trying. We slept the entire flight down. I think that might be one way to solve my flight anxiety.

Once we arrived in New Orleans, Robie came and kidnapped Harper. Apparently, the Kingsley brothers, and Harper, have their own equivalent of the Kitchen Conspiracy. It's The Counterplot. Held at Gerrard's house, in the finished room over the garage, the five are scheduled to play cards, drink beer and belch long into the evening. No wives, no children, or Mama allowed. Unless they're dropping off more beer or food.

Well, except Clark. Harper insisted on keeping her little nephew over Robie's objections. Robie brought Rene and Christian to the house to keep me company when he picked up Harper. We waited all of five minutes after they left before deciding to go shopping.

I shake my head, looking at the dress in the mirror. "I dunno, Rene, something doesn't look right."

The long, black evening gown is quite snug and slit up to my hip on one side. Harper should love it. I personally like the way it looks coming off one shoulder. Still, there's something off that I can't quite put my finger on.

"It's because your hair is shorter, that's all. I love your new look, by the way." The woman I now regard as a sister gives me a little grin.

I sigh as I look at my reflection. "Yeah, I like it. I needed a change after everything that happened." You know, now that she's mentioned it, I think she's right. It's the hair. Boy, this is going to take some getting used to. I look down at my little boyfriend. "Do you like this dress, Christian?"

He beams up at me and nods shyly.

Of course, I could be wearing a flour sack and I'd still get the same response out of him. Huh, he and Harper are just alike. Wonder if I should mention that to her? Nah, better not. "Will Aunt Harper like it?" I ask.

Same reaction.

"C'mere and give me a hug, sweetheart." I bend down and hold open my arms. I am still careful with my knee, but it seems to be holding up all right. Amazing what a month of recovery will do. I love that I'm able to go most of the day without needing the cane, too.

He wraps his arms around my neck, and gives me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. I watch as his cheeks flush with color.

Rene laughs at her son. "Boy, do you have him wrapped."

"The feeling is mutual." I wink and give him a gentle sendoff back to his mom. I give the dress another look, smoothing out the fabric.

"How does Harper like your hair?"

"Oh, I think she likes it, but she won't admit it." I run my hand over the spot of skin where my Christmas present from Harper will lie when we go to the awards. Visualizing it there helps me make a decision about the dress. I turn to the clerk. "It's perfect. I'll take it."

She gives me a very broad smile. The commission on this dress will no doubt make her car payment this month.

* * *

"I can't believe you kept Clark tonight, Robie," Jean complains as he settles himself down at the table. "I thought we had a rule."

"Don't look at me, T-Jean. Talk to the one who snatched him out of Ren's arms." Robie gestures at me with his Frito. "We were almost safely out of there when suddenly Harper is buckling him into his car seat."

I look down at my nephew who is asleep against my chest in his snuggle pack. Fuck 'em all. This little guy is my visual aid tonight. And, he's my very best guy. I kiss his head, the dark hair getting thicker each time I see him. "Get over it. Besides, he's wiped out. He won't be a bother."

Robie yawns. "True. Little Clark decided to stay up all last night. I don't think I slept more than an hour or two."

"Me either," I inform him with a smug expression.

"Glad someone is getting some action," Lucien mutters as he begins shuffling the deck.

Gerrard takes a long swallow of his beer before speaking. "Everything okay at home, Luc?"

While Robie has always been my best friend, Gerrard's always been my hero. He's a decade older than me. Since Mama married him off at an early age, I know him better as a married man and father than an older brother. Though he and Kate did live with us for the first year of their marriage. That was weird, having another girl in the house. Suddenly the boys started wearing clothing when they came out of the bathroom.

Gerrard insisted.

He's always taken being the eldest very seriously, considering it his job to look out for all of us. I think we're the ones who prepared him to be a judge. Lord knows he had practice not losing his temper and being impartial with this crew.

Lucien shrugs in response. "I guess so. Rachel's been busy at her firm lately. When she comes home, she's exhausted and cranky." He begins dealing the first hand.

"So what are you doing to help her out?" Jean inquires, saving me the effort.

Silence is the reply.

Robie eats another Frito laden with bean dip. "Guess you know what you need to do."

"Ante is a dollar. We're playing five card draw," Lucien announces, anxious to change the topic. "Jacks or better to open." He hates it when he doesn't get sympathy.

I look at my hand. Pair of fours, king high. "Pass."

Robie snickers. "I'll bet a dollar." He tosses a poker chip into the middle.

"How are things going up in New York, Harper?" Gerrard inquires after calling Robie's bet.

"Good, so far. We found a great apartment and are already moved in. Well, we have a bed." Robie snorts with laughter, I elbow him, careful not to jostle little Clark too much. "I think the new show is gonna be great. The EP is a good guy. I could learn a lot from him."

"Want cards?" Lucien inquires, all of us having now called the bet.

I put two cards down and get crap in return. I fold. "We did an interesting story the other night." Okay, it wasn't really the other night and I don't even know if it was on Exposure, but, hell, I need a way to bring up what I need to bring up.

"Yeah, what about?" Gerrard also folds.

"It was about a family with three brothers. All of them were married and two had kids." I watch as Lucien drags the chips over to his stack. He won with two pair, nines and jacks. "Same game," I announce as I shuffle and deal. "The other one started having really bad health issues. Come to find out, he had testicular cancer."

I watch with amusement as all my brothers shift uncomfortably in their seats, immediately feeling the pain. Men. What is it about those particular appendages that cause such universal reactions among them? I mean, when another woman tells me about breast cancer, I don't clutch my boobs and writhe in sympathy. I think they have a bit too much invested below the belt.

Of course, I want some of it now, so I shouldn't complain.

"Once all the operations and chemotherapy were complete, there was no way he and his wife could ever conceive."

As the bets go around the table, with Gerrard and Jean immediately folding, I note that Gerrard seems to be clued in to where I'm going. The corners of his eyes are crinkled up in a smile. Hopefully, that's a good sign. And not him getting ready to laugh in my face.

I have two queens. It seems somehow appropriate. "Because of his cancer, they couldn't adopt. The state agencies were worried he'd have a relapse and die, leaving a wife and kid behind. So, they were kinda shit-outta-luck." I interrupt my story to give both Robie and Jean more cards. I bet again. Only Robie calls.

I win the hand. Please let this be an omen.

"So, he went to his two brothers and asked for a hand … so to speak."

"Huh," Jean grunts. He picks up his cards recently dealt by Gerrard. "So did the story involve a custody battle or something?"

"Nope."

"Was the kid born disabled? The infertile brother trying to claim damages from his donor brother?" Robie asks.

Why do all my damn brothers have to be attorneys? "No. Everything was just fine." Everything isn't fine with my new hand. I got a lot of nothing. This had better not be an omen. I don't want Kels disappointed.

"So what was the point of the story?" Lucien asks, betting two dollars.

I fold. "It was human interest, a fluff piece, a feel good story."

They aren't impressed.

"Would you guys do that? I mean, what if Lucien here is impotent?" It feels good to get a free jab at him, especially since he's the only brother without kids. "Would you pass the cup?"

"I'm not impotent! Jesus, Harper! We're waiting to have 'em."

Robie leans forward, putting his elbows on the table. "It was a hypothetical, Luc, calm down."

I make a show of cuddling Clark. "Would you deny him the possibility of having a little guy as precious as this?"

"Sure, I'd give at the office." Jean punches Lucien in the shoulder playfully. "It'd be for a good cause. Too bad I couldn't claim the tax deduction though."

Tax lawyers. "What about you two?" I ask Gerrard and Robie.

"Of course."

Gerrard no longer can contain his smile. "I'd be happy to help out my infertile brother."

Robie seems to have suddenly caught a clue. "Got something you want to talk about, Harper?"

"I'm asking to pass the cup."

The poker game is now forgotten.

"You serious? You and Kelsey want a kid?" Robie stammers. "Seems a little fast, doesn't it?"

"I seem to recall you and Ren having Christian eleven months after your wedding. Kels and I have been together three months. Even if she got pregnant tonight we'd have ours later than you had yours." I conveniently leave off the fact that Robie and Rene dated for eight months prior to getting married. I hope everyone else does the math wrong too.

"Is she okay to have a kid? I mean, with all she went through …"

"She's fine, Jean. The doc gave us a green light. All we need is sperm."

"I bet this isn't the first time you wished you were born a guy, eh?"

I turn and stare at Lucien. He should be grateful that I have Clark against my chest. Otherwise, I'd be kneeling on his and pounding his face hard. "Excuse me?"

Realizing he crossed a line, he holds up his hands. "Obviously, you can't get her pregnant the way you are right now."

"Well, Luc, even if I were a guy it wouldn't mean shit."

He frowns. "Why not?"

"Because Kels isn't attracted to men, stupid. Even if I had the equipment, she wouldn't be interested. It's kinda a Catch-22 any way you look at it."

"Maybe she just needs the right man."

I can't believe I'm getting this from a member of my own family. On a poker night. "You don't just turn being a lesbian on and off, Luc." Ignorant cuss. I take a deep breath. I need to be cool here. It's not worth it. "Besides, I'm kinda hard to walk away from."

"Damn straight!" Robie claps my back. "Sorta."

Gerrard and Jean join in the laughter.

"Really? Rachel didn't seem to have a problem."

I don't think even Lucien realizes what he has said until it is too late.

Well, every family has a skeleton in a closet. I meet Lucien's gaze steadily. "I didn't say it, Lucien. You did. I kept my word."

"What the hell?" Robie asks. He looks at me incredulously. "You and Rachel?"

I shrug. "Why do you think she was over at the house the day she met Lucien?"

Jean slumps back in his seat, his jaw hanging open.

"How long?" Robie wants details.

Ah, what the hell? It's out now. "Not long. Rachel was experimenting. It's common. She quickly realized that it wasn't the lifestyle she wanted."

Lucien laughs and I have to bite back the urge to kick his ass around the room.

"The sex," I emphasize, "was more than fine. It just wasn't the right choice for her."

"I thought you've always said it wasn't a choice."

Jesus, how did we get onto this old debate? "I don't think it is, for me. Obviously, it was for Rachel."

"How come you never told me?" Robie asks. He sounds a little hurt.

"Rachel asked me not to. She didn't want things to be awkward." I blow out a deep breath, wishing I was anywhere but here. "Like it will be now." I glare at Lucien.

No one contradicts me.

And now I have to tell Kelsey. That's one conversation I could have gone a lifetime without having. Oh, Little Roo … my past comes back to bite us in the ass at the most inconvenient moment.

"All of this is rather far afield of my request." I owe Rachel this at least: to try to change the topic of conversation away from her. "Are you willing to help out your infertile brother? I really want our child to be a Kingsley. First off, we're a damn good looking bunch. But, more importantly, if anything were to ever happen to me, I would want Kels and our child to still be a part of the family. I would want them to belong, in every sense of word. Kels has never had this before. I never want her to lose it."

"Obviously, I have to talk about it with Kate, but I'm in."

"Thanks, Gerrard."

Robie nods vigorously. "I doubt if Ren will have a problem with it."

"She'll probably insist," I agree.

Jean still looks a bit bewildered by the evening's turn of events. "Let me talk it over with Elaine."

"Thanks, Jean. I was thinking that after each of you donate, we'll have the doc randomly choose the first sample to try. That way, only the doc will know paternity. And, I'm sure between all of you, you can come up with some good legal document about parental rights and waivers and such."

"I'll take care of it," Robie offers. I was going to hit him up for it anyway. He just spared me the trouble.

"You in, Luc?" Gerrard asks, not referring to our long forgotten poker game.

He shrugs. "In a manner of speaking."

* * *

"So," I say as I drop my napkin in my lap, "would you and Robie really be okay with this?"

I glance over to my side where Christian is curled up on the seat of the booth, sound asleep. His dark head is pillowed on my coat and Rene's jacket is his blanket. We have worn him out today. It was all he could do to eat his dinner before passing out in my lap.

"Absolutely. I think it's a great idea, and you know Robie and Harper couldn't be closer if they were twins. You two are going to be such terrific parents. I'm so glad to see her settled."

"Do you think she's happy?" I ask. Other than Mama, Rene is the woman closest to Harper.

Rene's features gentle and her blue eyes, which remind me very much of Harper's, look directly at me. "I know it. I've known Harper for five years. I've watched her go through a number of women. Not that we ever met any of them, mind you. It was just she would disappear on weekends and we knew she wasn't at a Girl Scout camp." She stops and laughs. "Well, actually, she might have been."

We both laugh now. "No," I assure her, "Harper likes older women."

"Her taste has certainly improved with age, that's for sure. She's happy, Kels. Ever since Thanksgiving, she's felt centered to me. Like up until then, she'd been off-balance somehow. I dunno. Does that make sense?"

I allow myself a small smile. "It does. I hope you're right. It's all still scary though. I mean, I know Harper will make a great parent. She's so good with all the kids. Jeez, she practically rips Clark out of your hands every time we come here. But me, well, I'm different. I wasn't raised with a lot of love. I hope I don't make a real mess out of the whole thing."

She takes my hand, running her thumb over the back of it. "You'll be great, Kelsey. God, you're all Christian talks about. Aunt Kelsey this and Aunt Kelsey that."

"Well, he's easy to please."

"Most men are." She fingers a necklace at her throat. "Isn't Harper?" Her eyes twinkle with the question.

"Harper is … umm … well … overall, yeah, she's pretty easy to please too." I blush a bit, knowing I shouldn't let conversations go in this direction with any member of her family. I was raised way Protestant. We don't have sex. And we certainly don't talk about it.

"Uh huh, thought so." Rene takes another bite of the dessert we have treated ourselves to. We are being truly bad today: lots of expensive shopping and things we wouldn't normally eat. "The Kingsleys are very easy to love, as long as you're willing to put up with their stubborn streaks."

"Which run a mile wide," I concur, sipping my tea.

"And two miles deep. But, God bless them, they are loving, kind, caring, and good providers. They love their wives and children more than life itself." She points her fork at me, the tip of it laden with whipped cream. "You know, it's too bad Mama and Papa are out of children. There are going to be a lot of disappointed people out there now that Harper is out of the running as one of the top five eligible catches in the world."

"Yeah, she may not know it, but she sure is. Especially if our plans to have a baby work out."

Rene nearly chokes on her dessert laughing.

"What?"

She gives a little cough before trying to speak. "Look at all the children. Good, strong swimmers these Kingsley men produce."

I can't help but let my forehead sink into my hand. "I didn't need the mental image, Ren."

She laughs again. "Sorry. Be grateful that Harper isn't a man, though. Otherwise, I have a feeling you'd be pregnant straight up through menopause."

I blush bright red. God, we have a reputation already, eh?

"I do have one question for you, though. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"I don't want you take this wrong, Kels, but you and Harper have only been together for three months and you've been through so much …" she trails off, the implication clear.

I nod. "Yeah, I know. It was what I went through out in L.A. that made me decide to have a baby." I shift in my chair, leaning in to rest my arms on the table. "Let's see if I can make this make sense. What happened to me would have happened even if Harper wasn't a part of my life. It was something that had been brewing for almost ten years. The only thing different because of Harper was my desire to live. I'm not sure I could have found the strength to … to … well …" I find I can't continue with that line of thought. My throat is tight, unyielding to the words.

"I know, it's okay," she soothes, taking my hand again. "I understand."

I nod crisply and compose myself. "Well, anyhow, let's assume I had gotten out alive. I would have still made this decision. It's just so much sweeter because I have Harper and the family to share it with. If it weren't for all of you, I would probably have retired quietly from my job, gotten pregnant, and moved to a cabin in the woods to raise my child alone. Now, I don't have to."

"No, and you never will, Kels."

* * *

The poker game broke up much earlier than usual. After Lucien's stupid revelation, we were all left without a clue as to what to talk about. Normally our conversations are around the wives, the kids, the jobs. We were down to one topic - our jobs - and it was too closely related to the wives and kids to be comfortable.

I ended up leaving the game even. Though, I don't feel the same as when I went in there. All I want is to get home to Kels. Before someone else tells her. It's an irrational fear, I know. None of my brothers - even Lucien - would presume to do that.

I get to be the lucky one to remind her what a fuckin' dog I am.

She's propped up in bed, reading, when I walk in the door to our bedroom. She glances at her watch and tilts her head in question. "Hi, sweetheart. You're home early. Don't tell me you lost fifty dollars already?"

I try for a smile. I fail.

Kels closes her book and puts it on the nightstand. "Come over here. What's wrong?" She holds out a hand to me.

I take a seat in the chair by the wall.

She's hurt because I didn't go to her. I can see it clearly on her face. "We need to talk."

I watch her swallow hard. "What's wrong, Harper? Did they not want to help out?"

I shake my head. "No, they will. If you still want to." It suddenly occurs to me that I might lose everything over this.

No Kels.

No baby.

No home.

What was I ever thinking? I knew I'd fuck this up. This is exactly why I've never done anything like this before.

"Still want to?" She swings her legs out from under the comforter and sits on the edge of the bed. She's wearing one of my T-shirts to sleep in. "What happened, sweetheart?"

"We need to talk," I repeat. I can't think of anything else to say. "Something happened and I …" I trail off. God, I don't want to do this.

Her hand travels to her mouth. I don't know if she's trying to keep back a cry or to mask her expression. "Did something … take place … at the game?"

"Yes … no … not really." I bury my face in my hands, slumping in the chair.

I hear Kels move off the bed and travel over to me. I feel her small hands land on my thighs, supporting her as she kneels in front of me. One of those hands travels up to my hair, brushing it back from my eyes and gently prying my hands away from my face. "It's all right, whatever it is. We'll make it all right."

I look into her eyes and want to believe her. "I'm sorry, Kels."

"Okay, you're sorry. I believe you. Now tell me what you're sorry about."

I look away, studying the carpet which is suddenly very interesting to me. "At the game tonight, Lucien said something. Something he shouldn't have, but he did. And now everyone knows. No one was ever supposed to know." My hand grips the arm of the chair. I'm almost fearful I'll break it.

"Did Lucien ever …" The tone of Kels' voice lets me know exactly what she's asking.

"God, no!"

She releases a held breath. Her hand covers mine. "Then what? You need to tell me, darlin', because otherwise I just imagine horrible things."

Stop being such a baby, Harper. Time to own up. "A long time ago, Rachel and I … well … we had an affair."

"I see." Kels sounds surprised.

That didn't sound quite right. "It was before she was with Lucien, Kels. In fact, she left me for him, believe it or not. But, no one was supposed to know. Rachel asked, but Lucien he just blurted it out. He did it to hurt me. To hurt us." It all comes out in a rush, as do, surprisingly enough, tears.

Kelsey's hands are wiping them away as fast as they fall out. "When were you two together?"

"Four years ago. I was in college; Rachel was in law school. We had a class together, telecommunications law." I unconsciously lean into her hand and risk a glance at her. I find a gentle smile on her lips.

"Were either of you seeing other people?"

I snort. "Kels, until I met you, I always saw other people."

She chuckles and ruffles my hair, tucking a strand behind an ear. "Right. I meant, were you going behind anyone else's back or were you seeing each other?"

"I don't think she was with anyone. She was curious, I was willing. God," I shake my head ruefully, "I was always willing."

"Then, I hate to break this to you: that wasn't an affair, that was dating." She continues on, her voice stronger, but at the same time, lighter. "Hell, Harper, how do you think I made my lifestyle choice? I experimented in college." Kelsey pushes herself up from the floor and transfers herself into my lap, her arms closing around my neck, cradling me against her chest.

"But, it was my brother's wife. And we didn't tell anyone. And now everyone knows …"

"No, she wasn't your bother's wife until she had broken it off with you and dated him. She made the wrong choice, but I'm grateful she did." She presses her lips against my temple. "And no one knows. Just us, your brothers, and Rachel, and we aren't saying anything, I'm sure."

"You don't hate me?" I have to know.

"Hate you?" She kisses the tip of my nose. "Why? Because you dated in college? Good Lord, Harper, I dated in college. Want me to tell you about the guy I went out with? He was a total math geek. I think he works for Bill Gates now."

"Then you really must hate me. You could be stinkin' rich, now." I give her a weak smile. I still think I might be sick.

"Sweetheart, I hate to break this to you, but I am. Besides, I got the best end of this deal. I got you. I love your family, but, my God, a lifetime with Luc." She shakes her head. "I feel for Rachel."

I tighten my arms around Kels as much as I dare and I can't stifle a short laugh. "I'm so sorry, chér. I love you. I really do."

"Don't be sorry. And don't beat yourself up over this. I love you, too. Don't you ever doubt that."

I run my hands up and down her back, feeling her softness beneath the light fabric. "I don't want you and Rachel to not get along, or be awkward around each other now. I didn't say anything before because, well, I respect Rachel, if that makes sense. I wasn't trying to hide something from you deliberately."

"Sweetheart, trust me, Rachel will never hear a word from me about this, unless she feels like we need to talk and she comes to me with it. I think it was really very chivalrous of you to try to protect her. You made a promise, you kept it. I admire that. That kind of trust doesn't grow on trees, Harper, and very few people are capable of it. I'm glad you are."

"Okay, thanks. … So do you still want to try for a baby?" Having second thoughts about me yet, Kels? When will my past scare you away?

She doesn't seem affected by it. "Every night until it happens. I'm not so sure we can't make a liar out of Dr. Solomon."

"Those damn doctors think they know everything." Suddenly, I feel if every ounce of strength has been drained from my body. I feel like I ran a marathon or went fifteen rounds with Foreman, the way I feel. A huge yawn overtakes me. "Can we go to sleep now?"

"We can go to bed, Harper, but I'm not promising sleep." Kelsey leans down and kisses me, making me forget about this whole terrible night.

<fade out>

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