Chapter 8

 

"Let's wait just a little longer, okay?" Gabrielle asked the two Healers.

 

"Sure, we have some time." Adia responded.

 

The tall woman proceeded to set up the rest of the items she might need, exchanging a concerned glance with her wife. Sartori took the boiling teakettle from the fire to refill it again. The water boiled away twice already, but still Gabrielle wanted to wait, hoping Xena would appear.

 

The young Queen stood with her back to the two Healers, her arms folded across her chest, looking out the large window. Gabrielle would have to go ahead with this, but she so wished Xena would change her mind and return. She knew she didn't deserve her wife's understanding, but it didn't stop her from wanting it, needing it. Gabrielle held nothing against her warrior. The Queen thought she would be acting in much the same manner if their roles were reversed. She wondered if it were herself out there, seething over her wife's refusal to share the truth with her, if she would stubbornly hold onto her anger, or if she would come back to support her wife. She couldn't answer the hypothetical question, even to herself. She had no idea what she would do in a similar situation.

 

Oh, Xe, I know I don't deserve your help or your compassion, but I dearly would love both right about now. Even if this helps, I'm just prolonging the inevitable aren't I? There's only one way you'll be able to forgive me…that's if you forget me. I can put it off for a little longer, though, can't I? I just have to make sure that you don't find out…just a little more time…

 

**********

 

Once Xena was outside all she wanted to do was get away; from the anger and the hurt, so she ran. She ran through the woods until her lungs burned with the same fire that she felt in the muscles in her legs. She felt the strength leave her body and she leaned back against an old tree, sliding along its length until she was seated at its base.

 

She cried out and slammed both fists into the ground at once. Why couldn't Gabrielle tell her? What could her wife be experiencing that could be so terrible? More importantly, why can't I deal with it?

 

Xena froze, listening intently to the slight sound of the branches high above her, creak under someone's weight. The warrior wasn't in the mood for games or enemies tonight.

 

"Whoever you are and whatever you're up to, you'd better make yourself known pretty quick, unless you want to find out what a really bad mood I'm in!"

 

It took only heartbeats for a length of braided horsehair rope to drop from the branches, a tall, slim figure following the rope to stand at Xena's feet.

 

"Ep! What in Hades are you trying to do, get yourself killed?" Xena hissed.

 

"Hey, I was here first," the Amazon countered. She dropped down beside her friend and pulled up a few blades of grass, tossing them into the breeze. "I was going to say something when I first saw you, but then, well, I heard you yell and…well, by then I figured it might embarrass one or both of us if I said anything."

 

"It's okay," Xena responded tiredly.

 

"Um, look Xena, a bunch of us are going into the mountains hunting. We should be gone about a fortnight."

 

"A little early for it," Xena instantly replied. A dozen or so warriors and students gathered twice a season to hunt for the village. It was late summer now, but the deer didn't usually fill the forests until early fall.

 

"Yea, well, we heard there was a big herd of elk running in the high mountains. I thought it might be the perfect opportunity to bring along some of the younger hunter and tracker wannabes."

 

"Ah," Xena responded.

 

"I was thinking…actually wondering…why don't you come with us, Xena."

 

"I can't leave Gabrielle, Ep, not right now, anyway."

 

"I just wondered if maybe some time apart…well, if it wouldn't…you know, help each of you get a different perspective on things. Shit, I know I'm not putting this well at all, but--"

 

"Ep," Xena placed a hand on the Amazon's arm, quieting her. "It's okay…and I do understand, but I just can't leave Gabrielle alone right now."

 

"Okay, just thought I'd offer, ya know. If you change your mind, we're not leaving till morning, after the hunters get the Queen's blessing."

 

"If anything changes, I'll let you know," Xena replied.

 

The two warrior's exchanged farewells and Eponin jogged off in the opposite direction. Xena sat still, waiting for some sort of enlightenment to come to her. She was ashamed that she'd run from the situation. Gods, she and Gabrielle's roles were reversing more and more lately.

 

The warrior thought about why she was so angry with Gabrielle for not confiding in her. There was fear, yes, but something more…helplessness. Xena was a woman of actions, not words, or emotions. When Gabrielle needed help, Xena was always there. Now, Gabrielle was telling her that she didn't need the warrior's help, that she could work it out on her own. Xena winced internally at the number of times she did that very thing, not allowing Gabrielle to help the warrior heal.

 

Why is this so important? If she needs to get a handle on this herself, why should I be angry about it? Why am I taking it so personally, when I've done the very same thing to her?

 

Control.

 

The answer simply popped into her brain and she recognized it immediately as the truth. Xena's whole life was about control, more importantly, getting back the control she'd lost. It wasn't merely a warrior thing; it was something in Xena. Yes, admittedly, Xena chose a warrior's path, not simply out of necessity, but because it was something, she was born to do. Her natural abilities and strengths all but foretold that it would be the path she was destined to choose. Ever since that day when Cortese attacked her village, she'd been fighting to get it back. The things that were ripped from her on that day…she'd been raped, her brother murdered, her mother's love lost…all things that put a subconscious message inside of her head. The message was a need really; a need that said, if she could control, a situation, she would never have to depend on anyone else again.

 

Gabrielle refusing to allow Xena to be a part of the Queen's healing process, removed that control from Xena's hands, thus creating the feelings of helplessness and anger she was now experiencing. The warrior looked at her wrists, remembering the claustrophobic fear that encompassed her when she realized that Gabrielle had actually removed the warrior's control in their bed.

 

That's what it's all about for me, isn't it? Controlling any situation. My grief at losing Brianna…it hurt a hundred times more because I didn't have control of the situation. So, now that I know what my major malfunction is, how do I overcome it? Even more, what do I do if I never can?

 

Xena's thoughts turned logically to Gabrielle, once more. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be able to let go as much as I do. Okay, I admit, I had an inkling of what giving up some of that control was like before I met Brie, but if compassion is something that grows like a plant, then the seed was sown the day I saved that baby from its death. Gabrielle's been the one to nurture this wild rose, though. I can't give up on her now. How many times has she stuck by me, never knowing the whole story? If part of loving you, Brie, means letting you keep some things to yourself, then I'll just have to find a way to live with that.

 

Xena was constantly amazed. For all the times she felt the Fate's hand treated her unkindly, if not cruelly, she still felt blessed at the path she was allowed to travel, which led her to Gabrielle. Through it all…through life and death, and even their most recent, heartbreaking turn of events, Xena swore she wouldn't change a thing about her often times painful life, if by changing one small thing, it would have caused her to stray from the path on which she met her bard.

 

"Thank you," Xena whispered aloud. It was the second time the warrior thanked the Fates. This time, her thanks would not go unnoticed.

 

**********

 

Lachesis still held the bright thread between her fingers. She didn't understand the power that could reverse the will of the Fates. What was odder still was the fact that the mortal child's life had ended; yet still the thread glowed brightly, just as brilliantly as the mother's, who came before.

 

Lachesis heard the warrior's thanks, and the thought echoed softly throughout the hall.

 

"Yes, I hear your thoughts, sister," Atropos paused her busy work to turn her head, shears still poised above a twisting network of threads. "A debt still hasn't been paid and we find we owe another."

 

"For such repayment, the gift should be suitable," Lachesis replied. She was overjoyed her sister felt the same way. It became increasingly difficult to hide the fact that she wished to bestow a gift upon the warrior and her Queen.

 

"I know what the gift should be," Clotho added with uncharacteristic enthusiasm.

 

"Impossible!" Atropos said immediately.

 

The other two sisters looked at one another. They would be able to sway their sister, and before the thought was complete, Atropos nodded her head in agreement.

 

"We should wait for our sister, however. She deals well with the Gods. It should come from her lips."

 

"But, we haven't the time," Clotho said. "Besides, she cares little for mortals or Gods any longer, what if she refuses to aid us?"

 

"I will go," Lachesis said with an air of finality. She rose, even as the other two nodded their heads in agreement. Lachesis swept through the Hall of the Fates, leaving her balls of threads on the stool where she was sitting.

 

It was mere moments, simple fragments of time, before Lachesis stood in the chambers of the God of the Underworld.

 

"It must be a matter of great importance for you to be separated from your sisters," Hades commented.

 

"We would ask a boon of you," Lachesis stated simply.

 

"The Fates asking blessings and favors of the Gods? That's rather new. And what would you have, if I were able to grant it?"

 

Lachesis explained. For the first time the sisters were in disagreement. She could hear Atropos arguing in her head. The God would only be persuaded if he was told the truth of what happened, but Atropos was against telling. She argued that the universe would become chaotic if the Olympian Gods were to discover that someone, somewhere developed a power strong enough to defeat the will of the Fates.

 

Lachesis weighed her sister's argument, but also realized that if the God granted their request, the time must be now. She explained all to the quiet and thoughtful God. When she was finished with her tale, he sat down and brought his hands together until only the very tips of his fingers were touching.

 

"It appears that we both have a chance to repay a debt…"

 

 

**********

 

Gabrielle turned toward the women in the center of the room. "We might as well begin," she said with a heavy voice.

 

Just then the door opened wide and Xena's tall frame filled the doorway. "Sorry I'm late," she said to Adia and Sartori. The warrior walked to where Gabrielle stood and tenderly touched the back of her hand to the Queen's cheek.

 

"No matter what," the tall woman said softly as Gabrielle put her arms around the warrior's waist.

 

Adia quickly prepared the tea for Gabrielle and as she drank, the four women discussed the nuances of the dreamscape. They spoke in much the same way that Adia explained things seasons ago, when they first entered the realm of unconscious reality.

 

Gabrielle settled herself in Xena's arms, on the cushioned loveseat, while Adia chose to remain seated on the floor. The Healer's preferred spot for dreamscape healing was sitting, cross-legged, her back firmly against the wall. Adia smiled at Sartori, sitting on a wooden chair beside the tall Healer, reaching her hand out to touch her wife. Adia didn't reveal the fact to many, but when she used her gift and entered another's dreamscape, there was always the very real chance that she would be trapped or even killed there. Sartori knew the risks as well as her mate, but she couldn't ask the woman to be less than she was.

 

Adia watched as Xena brushed Gabrielle's bangs from her forehead, gently kissing the young woman's head. The Healer would actually have preferred that Xena not be present for the healing. The more Adia thought about it, the more she was convinced that the Queen and her Consort had more than just a loving bond between them. Their relationship seemed to exist on a number of levels, considering their ability to join one another in the dreamscape, fueled on mere thought and desire alone.

 

Many times, Adia wished she had the nerve to tell her friends that the times they entered the dreamscape on their first anniversary, over the Summer Solstice, they did so without the aid of herbs. What she gave them was no more than a placebo, a harmless herbal sleeping concoction. The Healer was quite amazed that day when Gabrielle thanked Adia endlessly for her help. Now, she was thankful that Gabrielle was more relaxed with Xena near her, but a small part of the Healer feared what would happen if Xena saw the nightmares, that Gabrielle seemed so desperate to keep from the warrior.

 

"Remember, Gabrielle, if any part of the dreamscape appeals to you, in any way, you won't be able to stop it, nor will I be able to change it. I'm going to leave you with two thoughts before you sleep," Adia told the sleepy young woman. "First, I want you to believe that we can change your dreamscape, no matter how you feel. Second, I'm going to give you the power to end the dreamscape at any time, by simply asking for my help. The moment you use the words, ‘help me,' you'll awake. Do you understand, Gabrielle?"

 

Gabrielle struggled to open her eyes, grown weary with fatigue. Her tongue felt uncooperative so she merely nodded her head before falling into a heavy sleep.

 

"Remember, Xena…Tori, under no circumstances are you to wake me or Gabrielle from the dreamscape. If it doesn't end of its own accord or by her own will, using the phrase I gave her, there's no telling how long I could be trapped there. Okay?"

 

Xena nodded, settling Gabrielle against her chest and wrapping her arms around the small figure.

 

Adia smiled one last time at her own wife, as the Healer adjusted her back against the wall, and closed her eyes. Adia had performed this routine so many times, it took only a dozen heartbeats for her to fall into her meditation, and slide into the young Queen's dreamscape.

 

**********

 

Adia paused to catch her breath, moving quickly after Gabrielle once more. She wasn't sure she could even consider the woman she'd been fighting for candlemarks now, her friend Gabrielle. If we all had a personage that was our complete opposite, then that's who the Healer had been battling.

 

Adia spent the entire dreamscape on the run after Gabrielle. It started on the steps of the Temple of Artemis. Gabrielle had a baby in her arms and the Healer didn't have to think very hard to guess who the child was. Once the bard was inside the Temple, she set the child down and turned around, prepared to fight the taller woman. Adia did all she could in trying to reason with Gabrielle, but the small blonde never spoke a word. She disarmed the Healer easily; armed with the sais that Adia gave her. Gabrielle scooped up the child and took off through the Temple.

 

Adia had never seen the underground tunnels beneath the Temple. There were rumors, of course, but she was even more amazed at the fact that Gabrielle knew her way. The Queen traveled along the passages, and then just when Adia would catch up to her, the young Queen would pause to confront the Healer. These continual encounters usually ended up with Adia flat on her back as Gabrielle picked up the child and ran off again.

 

Adia skidded to a halt as the passageway opened into a large circular room. Located in the center of the room was an altar, where the baby lay on top of the stone altar, quiet yet moving its arms and legs. Amazon warriors circled the perimeter of the room, their gazes fixed upon a hooded figure in a red silk robe. The individual hovered over the child and looked up as the Healer came into view. The hood was pushed back, revealing Gabrielle's face, the Queen looked at Adia with eyes that were colorless and devoid of any emotion. The Healer slowly walked toward the Queen, all the while speaking as if this apparition truly was Gabrielle. The robed version of Gabrielle opened her mouth to speak, but all eyes in the room were suddenly drawn to the main entrance.

 

"Oh Gods!" Adia exclaimed under her breath.

 

Gabrielle took one look as Xena appeared in the doorway and nodded her head in the direction of the Amazon warriors. This was Gabrielle's dreamscape, after all, so it shouldn't have surprised Adia or Xena how quickly the Amazons moved. One moment Gabrielle's guards stood there, silent and unmoving, the next moment they pinned the two women to the wall as if they were rag dolls.

 

"Xena, what have you done?!" Adia shouted at the warrior.

 

"I didn't mean to…I don't know what happened," Xena turned a confused face to the Healer.

 

Gabrielle never seemed to be aware of the two intruders, with the exception of ordering their bondage. She moved around the altar as if making preparations. Finally, pulling the blanket away from the infant, Gabrielle opened a wooden box that sat beside the altar. When the young Queen revealed the contents of the box, Adia was the first to catch on. By the time the small blonde held up the gleaming dagger, Xena's eyes grew wide.

 

"Gabrielle!" Xena cried out.

 

The hooded figure looked up and Gabrielle's lifeless eyes stared at the warrior as Xena cried out the young woman's name, begging and pleading for her to stop. Suddenly, Gabrielle's brow came together and her face softened, color flowing back into the green eyes. The Queen looked around the room as if realizing where she was for the first time. Adia realized that the apparition had indeed transformed into the real Gabrielle.The Queen's gaze dropped down to her baby, lying on the stone altar, then at the blade in her hand. As quickly as she gained comprehension, her expression turned into one of fear. The Queen's body trembled as her arms fought against a course of action that could not be stopped.

 

Xena and Adia both screamed now, their voices hoarse with the effort.

 

Gabrielle raised the blade until it was directly over her child's heart, tears streaming down her own face. She looked up one last time to the two strangers in her dreamscape and whispered the words her unconscious mind held onto, in order to ease the pain.

 

"Help me…" she begged in a strained voice.

 

It was apparent that Gabrielle was unable to control her body as some unseen force controlled her actions. Gabrielle could only continue to scream out the words over and over again, praying for an end to the torture.

 

"Why isn't it ending?" Xena shouted through her tears, unable to look away from what she knew her wife was about to do. The warrior struggled in vain against her captors. "Why can't we help her?"

 

"I don't know…I don't understand…" Adia said, watching horror stricken as Gabrielle's arms came down.

 

"Brie…no…"Xena said in barely a whisper, as her strength left her.

 

"Help Meeee!" Gabrielle screamed as the blade came down and settled into the infant's chest.

 

**********

 

Sartori's heart nearly stopped at the blood-chilling scream that came from Gabrielle's throat. Within heartbeats of one another, all three of the women awoke, Gabrielle continuing her terrified wail. Adia was doubled over, unable to catch her breath, then Xena became aware of the woman in her arms, whose screams had just turned to sobs.

 

Sartori placed a small amount of foul smelling herbs under Adia's nose. The Healer took a deep breath and gagged, pushing her wife's hand away.

 

"I'm okay…I'm all right."

 

Gabrielle sobbed even more as she came into awareness, remembering the dream's events and who was present in the dreamscape. She looked up into Xena's face, the warrior's expression a mask of confusion.

 

The warrior didn't mean to, but as soon as Gabrielle looked at her, Xena pulled back, physically as well as mentally. It was a very human reaction to what she'd just witnessed, but to Gabrielle, it was the confirmation of her greatest fear.

 

The Queen jumped up and bolted through the front door of the small home. Xena wasn't quite sure what just happened. The warrior looked at her own hands, turning them over and inspecting them, as if she expected to find blood on them.

 

"Gabrielle," Adia rasped at Sartori. "Don't let her do anything foolish."

 

Realization flowed through the warrior's entire being at the Healer's words. Xena scrambled from her seat and bolted out the door, in search of her wife.

 

"Addy, what happened?" Sartori asked fearfully.

 

Adia could only shake her head, hoping the strong cup of port her wife offered her would soothe her nerves. She eventually calmed, hoping Xena was able to catch up with Gabrielle. When the Healer explained what she could repeat to her wife, Sartori was as shocked as anyone.

 

"I don't understand, Tori. Gabrielle used the safe word I gave her and still it wouldn't end. She had no control over her actions and we were completely helpless to stop her. I've never visited a dreamscape like that before, and I thought I'd seen some bad ones," Adia explained.

 

"Addy, you know as well as I, Gabrielle could never have harmed her own child," Sartori responded.

 

"All I can say is that if she didn't, then she thinks she has. Something must have happened to convince the girl that she did something terrible to her baby. Either that…or Morpheus has some pretty sick ideas and a grudge against that young woman," Adia replied.

 

**********

 

Xena was only a half a dozen strides behind the young woman as Gabrielle rushed into the stables. The warrior rounded the corner to see her wife curled into a ball, hiding in the corner of the nearest stall. Lying in the hay, it was as if the young woman was trying to burrow in, and find a hiding place from the world. Xena's sob wasn't even heard over the gut wrenching wails that Gabrielle was making. The warrior approached her wife and dropped down beside her in the hay.

 

Gabrielle scrambled to move away from her wife; unable to bear the look of disgust and hate she would see in the warrior's face. Xena reached out, to have her hands pushed away by Gabrielle. Using her speed and long arms, the dark-haired woman quickly grabbed the smaller woman and drew Gabrielle to her, pinning her flailing arms to her body.

 

"Brie…Gods, please, Brie…baby it was only a dream…"

 

Gabrielle continued her struggles and Xena's heartache turned to fear when she saw the vacant look in her wife's eyes. The warrior knew insanity and what it felt like, first hand. She remembered the fear and the confusion that stole her mind when the Furies cursed her. She could only hold on to the woman in her arms, praying to anyone who would listen, for their help.

 

"It's just a dream, baby…it's not real…" Xena repeated, holding tightly to Gabrielle.

 

She felt the small blonde's struggles cease, but the weeping continued. She held and rocked the young woman as her own tears fell, until she began to feel Gabrielle's body trembling uncontrollably.

 

"Brie…baby, are you with me?"

 

"So…c-c-cold…" Gabrielle's teeth chattered, her body curling tighter into herself.

 

"Okay, baby, come on…we need to get you home," Xena said, lifting the small woman into her arms."

 

**********

 

Adia still sat on the floor when Xena flung open the door. Both Healers jumped up to assist the warrior as she carried Gabrielle into the room and gently placed her into bed. She grabbed two more blankets from the end of the large bed and wrapped them around the shivering young Queen.

 

"She's in shock," Xena stated to Sartori as the Healer nodded her confirmation.

 

Sartori began to care for her patient as Xena stacked three large logs in the fireplace, a roaring blaze crackling in the hearth in heartbeats. The warrior gulped down a large helping of the port and stood beside Adia while Sartori wrapped some warmed towels around Gabrielle's body.

 

"How could you let all this happen in there?" Xena finally spoke to Adia.

 

"Let which part happen? The part where you showed up in the dreamscape, unannounced, or the part where your wife went screaming into the night?" Adia shot back.

 

Xena turned quickly and grabbed the Healer by the throat of her tunic. It was only Sartori's interruption that kept Adia from being tossed across the room.

 

"Quiet!" she hissed. "Go outside if you want to hit each other."

 

Both women froze, each prepared to strike the other. "I don't want to hit you, Adia…I just…I just wanted to hit something…I'm sorry," Xena muttered.

 

"Me too," the Healer replied.

 

"Adia, what did happen? I had no intention of entering that dreamscape," Xena whispered.

 

"I honestly don't know. I've never…I just don't understand it."

 

Xena could feel the betrayal in simply voicing the words, but she couldn't stop them. "Did Gabrielle kill our child?"

 

"I don't believe that anymore than you do," Adia snapped.

 

"Then how do you explain what happened? Can misplaced guilt cause that kind of a reaction?" Xena hissed.

 

"It's possible…"

 

"I know that anything is possible, but I thought only someone guilty of their crime could illicit uncontrollable dreamscapes like that. I want to know if you have ever experienced misplaced guilt reacting like that."

 

"No," Adia answered, realizing the conclusion that Xena was coming to. "But, you can't tell me that you actually believe that Gabrielle did anything--"

 

"I don't know what I believe anymore," Xena ran a hand through her hair in exasperation, her voice sounding tired and fragile.

 

"She h-hates me…she hates m-me, now, d-doesn't she?"

 

Adia and Xena both heard the question Gabrielle directed at Sartori. Xena's face fell and as soon as she heard the sound in her wife's voice, she moved to the young woman's side. It was easier for the warrior to believe outlandish thoughts when she wasn't close to the young woman, but hearing Gabrielle's voice, seeing the terrified and lonely expression on the small woman's face, Xena didn't want to believe there was any validity to the dreams.

 

"It's okay, Brie," Xena sat on the bed, taking the smaller figure in her arms. "I'm right here, baby…it's going to be okay."

 

"I'm s-sorry, Xe…s-so sorry…" Gabrielle cried softly as Xena held and rocked her.

 

"Ssh, it'll be okay."

 

"She'll be all right as long as she stays warm," Sartori said. "Gabrielle, try to drink some of this…it will relax you so you can sleep."

 

"No!" The young woman pushed the cup away with one hand. "I can't go back there."

 

Xena shook her head at the Healer. "It's okay, sweetheart, don't be afraid. I'll be right here to wake you up if the dreams start again."

 

Gabrielle seemed to relax at that thought and grew silent.

 

"I'll wake her up every couple of candlemarks, that should do the trick." Xena said to the Healers. "We'll be okay for tonight."

 

Adia knelt down, on the floor near the bed. The Healer was experiencing her own epiphany, never having experienced a situation within the dreamscape that she couldn't control.

 

"I'm not going to give up, Xena," the Healer whispered. Placing a hand on the warrior's arm, she gave it a gentle squeeze. "There are a lot of meditative, even hypnotic techniques that I can use to rid Gabrielle of the images in her dreamscape. She just needs a fortnight or so of rest. I have some medicines that will calm her down enough to sleep without dreaming. We'll get her through this, Xena, I promise…it's just going to take a little time."

 

Adia and Sartori both nodded their heads to the warrior, returning some order to the room, and then quietly pulling the door closed behind them. Almost two candlemarks later, Gabrielle's body twitched and jerked as she moaned in her sleep.

 

"Gabrielle…Brie, wake up," Xena gently shook the young woman awake.

 

Gabrielle gazed up into the worried blue eyes looking down at her. She knew she would see this expression. Her wife was trying not to hate her, condemn her; things had already changed. Xena watched as tears welled up in the sad green eyes, spilling over the edges. Gabrielle tried to roll away from her wife, but the warrior was stronger. She held the young Queen in her arms, too afraid to let her go, yet just as terrified at the thoughts that were racing through her head.

 

"Talk to me, Brie…" the warrior said.

 

Gabrielle slowly shook her head, turning away from her wife. There isn't any point is there? She was there…I can see it in her eyes…she knows what I've done. It's changed already.

 

Xena continued to hold the small woman in her arms, the dark-haired woman's mind racing with the implications of what Gabrielle had done, and what the warrior saw for herself in her wife's dreamscape.

 

There's an explanation…I know it, there has to be. Gabrielle wouldn't…she couldn't. The Gods…that's it! It was one of them…they've been suspiciously silent lately. Gabrielle says she did it…why would she say that if she were innocent? Please no, don't let it be true. Please, just don't let it be. Would Gabrielle have made a deal with one of the Gods? Maybe to save someone, to save me…thinking she was doing the right thing.

 

No! She wouldn't do that!

 

She did, though…once before, didn't she?

 

That was different…she was confused…she thought she was doing what was best--

 

It cost Solon his life, though…

 

No! That's not who Gabrielle is!

 

But, she did it before…

 

Xena closed her eyes and pressed the back of her head against the headboard in a futile attempt to silence the voices at war within her head. Every explanation she could come up with, the strong voice in her mind reasoned away.

 

Upon opening her eyes, she saw Gabrielle staring back at her. They both knew the expression the other was wearing; they'd seen them before. Gabrielle's held sorrow and regret, coupled with a pain so enormous that it took all of Xena's strength just to hold the eye contact and return her wife's gaze. The warrior didn't even have enough strength left to muster a weak smile. She ran her fingers through Gabrielle's hair, watching as tiny bits of straw and chaff fell from the blonde strands. She gathered what love and understanding she could from the warring factions of her brain, and expressed it through her eyes. Xena knew it wasn't much, and try as she would, she was simply too confused to offer any more.

 

Xena situated Gabrielle's head to rest on her chest, her own chin resting atop the blonde head. "Gabrielle, I'm…I'm going to go with the warriors in the morning on their hunt."

 

Xena paused. Gabrielle became so still, the warrior wondered if her wife fell asleep. The small blonde stirred slightly, but she just lay there as if she knew there would be more.

 

"It will only be a fortnight and…I think we could both use some time--it's just that I need to sort things out…get it straight in my head, you know? Adia will be here, she's got some really good ideas…she has medicines she hasn't even tried yet."

 

Xena ran her fingers through Gabrielle's hair, smoothing long bangs away from a furrowed brow.

 

"She can help you, sweetheart," Xena's voice broke and she knew what she was doing, even as she cursed herself for doing it. What she did now, she did for herself, not her wife. Her own tormented mind left her confused and unable to help anyone, not even herself.

 

"She'll take good care of you, baby. You just…just need some rest, that's all. Some rest…plenty of sleep without any dreams. You relax and get well and I'll be back in no time."

 

Xena looked down at Gabrielle and the young woman had her eyes closed. The warrior could tell from Gabrielle's breathing that her wife wasn't asleep, but she understood the smaller woman's behavior. Xena wondered if she would react any differently if Gabrielle decided to abandon her.

 

**********

 

"Well, well…how the innocent have fallen," a female voice laughed evilly.

 

"I will see you chained on the highest mountain top until the vultures pick your bones clean."

 

Again, the laughter.

 

Apollo struggled against his bonds until his wrists and arms were raw and bleeding. His efforts were futile. The oppressive air that existed in the small cell sapped a God's powers entirely. He wasn't alone in the small area that enclosed him. A tall figure was bound next to him, a blindfold fixed across the hooded figure's eyes.

 

The cell was familiar to the handsome God, as it should be, since he was the one who created it. The small room, deep underground in the subterranean caverns on the island of Delos, was created to remove the strength of any God or mortal that should attempt to steal the Elixir of life that was housed there. The Elixir had since been removed and a new hiding place created, but Hera never forgot the site of her defeat.

 

The small room had one wall blown out, compliments of the Warrior Princess. Now, the open space was covered with bars, fashioned by some Godly spell. They sparkled and shimmered, the illusion of solidity.

 

"Did I tell you it was a girl? Yes, you had a granddaughter, Apollo…well, for a heartbeat…until I stole her life-force."

 

"Why, Hera? I do understand how you could be that evil, it wouldn't be the first time you've taken the life of an innocent child, but what's the point in destroying my daughter's relationship with Xena? What have you to gain?"

 

"Oh, Apollo," Hera spoke from the other side of the barred cell. "You have no idea what I will gain. You don't understand what it's like to feel that rush when you see your enemies crushed under your feet. Especially the ones that were so smug when they thought they'd bested me. It's your turn to fall, Apollo. You and Xena stole victory from me last time, now it's payback time, and I'll settle for nothing less than your complete destruction."

 

"If it's me you want, Hera, then so be it, but please…I beg of you, not Gabrielle." Apollo's eyes filled with tears at the visions he'd already seen, his own daughter ready to give up on life and Xena believing her wife had slipped into madness.

 

"But you're missing the point, Apollo. I've discovered the one thing to bring about the sure annihilation of you and the warrior with one blow. It's ironic that the God of Healing and the Warrior Princess should both have only one true weakness…and imagine my delight that it's the same thing. There is only one vulnerability that you share with that mortal warrior, and that is the little Amazon Queen."

 

Hera made the scrying bowl disappear with a wave of her hand. She stood outside the bars, forcing the young God to watch some of what transpired in his daughter's life thus far.

 

"Aren't you forgetting, Hera? People will miss me. Don't you think my sister will wonder where I am? Gabrielle will call to me…the sun can't set without me," Apollo spat.

 

"Oh, dear Apollo, the mortal world has experienced many sunsets since you've been…shall we say, detained. I've found someone to fill in quite nicely, riding that little chariot of yours. And, do try to be a little more unassuming. Your sister wonders where you are, but that little tramp is too stupid to figure it out, and as for your pathetic Gabrielle, I've arranged for her to believe that you've turned your back on her."

 

"That's impossible! Gabrielle will never give in to the kind of despair you're talking about."

 

"Guess again, young Apollo. Your cellmate has made it excruciatingly easy to manipulate the little blonde. You see, with Morpheus bound, he is but a prisoner. With his sight denied, he cannot enter the dreamscape…Gabrielle's or any other. I've been using an old friend of mine, a mystic from the wrong side of the road, if you will. He was happy to help in exchange for a little R&R from Tartarus."

 

"On the other hand, perhaps you'd like to keep up…" The Goddess returned the scrying bowl, allowing Apollo to view his daughter once more. "Take a good look, Apollo. By the time the sun sets tonight, your daughter will slit her own throat. Her warrior will fall on her sword once she finds out. All's well that ends well."

 

Hera's laughter continued long after she disappeared, just as Apollo's screams echoed off the walls of the caverns.

 

**********

 

 

"Just look after her, okay?" Xena asked the Regent.

 

The warrior rose early and packed enough supplies for the fortnight away. She checked to find Gabrielle sleeping soundly for a change. Xena knew that leaving to join the hunt would not go over well with Ephiny. The Regent made it clear that she felt Xena was deserting Gabrielle, just when the Queen needed her the most.

 

"Look, I know I don't know everything that's gone on with you two in the last couple of days, but leaving Gabrielle…you can't tell me that's going to help," Ephiny said.

 

"I'm not leaving her!" Xena hissed. "I am going on the hunt for fourteen days, maybe less. Adia is going to be seeing Gabrielle and helping her to…to work out some issues, but I am not leaving her."

 

"Does Gabrielle know that? Tell me, Xena, do you think if you say it enough times, you'll start to believe it?" Ephiny asked softly.

 

Suddenly Xena lost the hard edge to her voice. "I don't know what else to do, Eph. I swear, if I could come up with another way, I would. Right now, I just don't know what's going on with Gabrielle and I don't want her to see that everyday in my face. I'm not asking you to believe me, or even agree with me, I'm only asking that you be a friend to Gabrielle."

 

"Xena…you never have to ask me to do that. Gabrielle was my friend, long before she became my Queen. You're my friend too…" Ephiny placed a hand on Xena's shoulder. "If I can do anything to help you deal with all of this, Xena…"

 

"Just keep an eye on Gabrielle. That will help more than you know," Xena finished before leaving.

 

**********

 

"Hey," Xena said softly as she walked in to find Gabrielle fastening her leather belt around her hips. The young Queen was dressed in the traditional leather top and skirt that she wore to many official ceremonies.

 

"Hi," Gabrielle said, quickly lowering her eyes to the floor. She could barely look at Xena, now that the warrior knew the truth.

 

"I wanted to say…to see you before I left," Xena stammered. She wanted to say so much, but her tongue felt heavy and uncooperative. She crossed the room to retrieve her weapons and saddlebags, laying them on the table.

 

"You'll see me at the ceremony. You'll need to be blessed if you want to join in the hunt."

 

"I know, but…I meant alone."

 

"Oh," Gabrielle replied, turning to look out the window.

 

"I guess…I'll see you in a fortnight, then," Xena said.

 

"Are you coming back, Xe?" Gabrielle asked in a low whisper.

 

The young Queen's voice sounded so forlorn and frightened that Xena moved behind the woman and wrapped her arms around the small figure.

 

"I'm your wife, Gabrielle, of course I'll be back. Please believe that."

 

Xena kissed the back of her wife's head. Quickly grabbing her belongings from the table, the warrior walked out the door and toward Eponin's hut.

 

Gabrielle swallowed back the sobs that rose up in her throat. She took note that her wife said nothing about love. Because she's my wife, she'll return…out of duty…you shouldn't have to live that way, Xe.

 

 

Chapter 9

 

Gabrielle was nearing the last few hunters. She blessed the experienced, then the hopeful students, many of them, obviously waiting all their life for a chance to bow down before their Queen as a hunter and receive her mark of faith. The young Queen chose not to hide behind her mask today, although a part of her desperately wanted to. She knew she looked like Tartarus, her eyes red rimmed and swollen, dark circles underneath, and her face drawn and pale. She looked down at the last woman to kneel before her, recognizing the dark head.

 

She placed her hand on top of the raven hair and spoke the same words the other hunters heard, "You have the blessing of the Queen."

 

Gabrielle watched as the face lifted, but Xena made no move to rise from her knees. The warrior's blue eyes sparkled with unshed tears.

 

"Soon, Brie…I'll be back soon."

 

Gabrielle placed her hand on Xena's cheek, touching the soft skin as though she were committing it to memory. She gathered the last of her resolve and offered a smile to her wife. The Queen was amazed and grateful that Xena put up with her this long.

 

"Good bye, Xena," Gabrielle whispered softly.

 

The warrior's keen hearing picked up the soft-spoken farewell. She was glad that Gabrielle was actually speaking to her, but there was something in her wife's eyes, something she couldn't place. Xena looked momentarily confused, then gave a small smile to her wife, right before she jumped on Argo and trailed after the other members of the hunting party.

 

**********

 

"Is what she said true?" Apollo asked his cellmate.

 

"Sadly, my friend, it is. These ropes mean nothing to me; the dreamscape knows no physical boundaries and nothing can bind it. Having my eyes blindfolded, however, means a great deal. I can see, but cannot enter your daughter's dreamscape at all."

 

"What do you see, Morpheus? Is Hera telling the truth…did she kill my grandchild?"

 

"I fear for your little one. Hera speaks the truth; she stole the child from its mother's womb only candlemarks before its birth. Your daughter…Hera is manipulating the young girl's dreamscape to the point…I fear Gabrielle has given up. Unless we can intervene in some way, Hera's words will come true…your child will take her own life and give up the mortal realm."

 

Once again, Apollo strained and lunged at his bindings, but in this cavern room, now converted to a cell, his strength was less than even a mortal man. His arms and wrists bled, his shoulders sagged forward in an unmistakable posture of defeat. Gods never experienced pain or defeat; they were new emotions. Many of the Olympian Gods had numerous children, sprinkled throughout the mortal realm, the product of romantic dalliances with mortal women. Apollo felt this loss especially hard, as Gabrielle was the only child he had. The handsome God was never one for trysts with mortals, but he fell in love with Gabrielle's mother the very first time he saw her walking along the river with his sister. It pained him to see the life she now led, living with a man who became more bitter and angry as the seasons past. Because of his promise to Hecuba, he never told the girl that he was her real father, content to watch and hope that someday, Gabrielle would learn who the people were that truly loved her.

 

He did break his promise on occasion. There were times in his child's life that required the intervention of a God. Apollo would never forget the day he carried Gabrielle's burned and broken body to the Halls of Olympus, requesting his father's permission to return life to the girl. Gabrielle gave her own life that day, pushing Hope into the lava pit, simply to save the woman she loved. Zeus looked down in compassion at the young God, acquiescing to Apollo's wish. Gabrielle never knew that she'd been dead, then reborn. It became one of the many instances in her life that she could not explain, yet did not examine too closely. Deep inside, the young Amazon Queen feared what she would see as an answer to the unexplained miracles in her life.

 

A shimmering flash appeared on the other side of the illusionary bars. Apollo looked up, disappointed, but realizing that this would be the obvious choice for Hera's partner in crime.

 

"Man, little bro…that chariot is a bitch to drive!" Ares flicked some imaginary dust from his arms. "Hera says she'll let you out once you've learned not to mess around with her. Hey," the dark-haired God said in alarm. "Don't pull on the ropes, bro…look what you're doing to yourself. Hera says your punishment will be over soon and she'll let you out of here."

 

Apollo took a deep breath. Ares was not a stupid man, but a pair of pretty eyes always had the power to sway him. He could be incredibly dense at times. Apollo didn't want to sound to panicky or patronizing. Ares was his brother, after all, faults and all.

 

"Ares, please listen closely. Hera is punishing me, it's true, but this is not temporary. She is going to destroy me and Morpheus…I expect Artemis will come next--"

 

"She said you might tell me something like that…said you didn't want to take your defeat like a man." Ares smirked.

 

"Ares please…look here in the scrying bowl…the image of Gabrielle. Hera is using the girl's dreams to push Gabrielle into killing herself, and when that happens, Xena will take her own life out of guilt and remorse. Please, brother, just look into the image in the bowl."

 

Ares peered past the bars, into the bowl. He could only see the blurry shapes of movement from his angle.

 

"Oh, sure…I step in there to look in the bowl. Right!"

 

Apollo let out an exasperated sigh, but held his temper. "Ares, open up the image for yourself."

 

"Oh, yea…" Ares waved his hand and the shimmering image of Gabrielle came into focus. "What's the deal?" Ares grew concerned when he saw the young woman laid a sharp dagger beside the tub.

 

"Step into her mind and you'll se the truth, Ares," Apollo pleaded.

 

"This is a trick, right? You said if I ever entered her mind again you'd have Athena castrate me," Ares drawled.

 

"Ares…this is an emergency, just do it!"

 

Ares' brow furrowed together, staring intently at his younger brother. It wasn't like Apollo to become this agitated over anything. The dark-haired God turned back to the spectral image before him and concentrated on the small blonde.

 

The Queen filled the tub in the bathing area with hot water. Gabrielle once read that if you cut an artery, the pain would be short lived; it would feel as though you were going to sleep. She also read that warm water would prevent the blood from clotting, and ease the sensation of being cold, which followed when the human body suffered a large amount of blood loss.

 

The last thing the Queen did before disrobing was to place her Queen's dagger beside the tub. It was her ceremonial dagger, more for decoration than practical use, yet she didn't have anything symbolic in mind; it was simply the sharpest dagger she owned. The young woman wanted to die, not cause herself unnecessary pain.

 

Ares pulled his mind back from the small blonde's and had to take a deep breath. The mortal's emotions of despair and sorrow were a step beyond intense. The God looked over at Apollo.

 

"Is this a trick, Apollo? I swear if you an Artie are--"

 

"Damn it all, Ares, my child is about to kill herself!" Tears streamed down Apollo's face. "Please, Ares…help her," the God begged in a small voice.

 

"Okay, I'm confused all of a sudden…give me a heartbeat."

 

"Gabrielle doesn't have a heartbeat!" Apollo shouted at the top of his voice.

 

Ares looked from his brother to the image before him. Gabrielle sat in the tub, her eyes closed. Suddenly, with a fierce look of determination, the young Queen picked up the dagger.

 

**********

 

"I'll take that, thanks," Ares said, plucking the dagger deftly from Gabrielle's fingers.

 

"Ares! What in Hades…get out of here and leave me be, you miserable son-of-a-bacchae!" the Queen hissed vehemently.

 

"You're getting a mouth on you like a soldier. Didn't anyone ever tell you that a Queen isn't supposed to talk that way?" Ares shot back. "This is serious stuff here, Gabrielle…is this some sort of a trick?" Ares asked, turning his head to look around the room.

 

The despair in Gabrielle's voice was apparent. "Ares…just go. This is my business."

 

"Okay, give me a heartbeat, here," the God said in concern, pacing across the room. "It could be a trick…and I ought to let you do it, for all the times you tried to make me look like an idiot. I gotta check on this, though." Ares mused this last part to himself.

 

"Don't do anything stupid until I get back." Ares turned to go.

 

"Ares…my dagger…" Gabrielle held out a hand.

 

Ares nearly placed the weapon in the young woman's hand, but pulled back at the last moment. "Nah, you never do anything your told, that much I do know."

 

The God swirled a hand over the Queen's head and Gabrielle felt a tingling sensation in her chest.

 

"The power of might against the power of will, on this day will stand…The heart's judgment I will prevent, to keep you from hurt at your own hand." Ares handed the dagger to Gabrielle. "That ought to hold you till I can get this mess figured out," Ares said, quickly leaving in a flash of blue shimmering light.

 

Gabrielle thought she understood the spell the God placed on her, but she immediately tested her theory. Raising her arm, dagger in hand, she attempted to slice open her own wrist. Her arms shook and sweat broke out across her forehead at the strain to get the blade close to her skin. The frustrated woman snarled, tossing the blade across the room. Ares put a spell of protection on Gabrielle…to protect the Queen from herself.

 

"Ares! Arrreeeesss!"

 

All in the village heard Gabrielle's screams. The Royal Guard had to explain to the perturbed Queen what they were suddenly doing in her bath, but since there was no foe to be found, the chagrined guards left as quietly as possible, offering only a shrug to the Regent, who arched an eyebrow in return.

 

**********

 

"Do you want to talk about the dream?" Adia asked.

 

"No," Gabrielle replied. Her failed attempt to end her life put her in a dour mood. She knew…as soon as Xena looked at her through eyes that held something less than the unconditional love they always shared…Gabrielle knew this was the only way. Her grief-stricken mind reasoned that it made perfect sense. Unbeknownst to the young Queen, Hera's interference in Gabrielle's mind, caused her to believe that Xena would be hurt at first, but Gabrielle was sure her wife would breath a sigh of relief.

 

The Healer and the Queen sat outside in the warm afternoon sun. The entire village knew this small cove as Gabrielle's Pond. It was where the young Queen often spent her quiet time, when she needed peace from the rigors of managing the Amazon Nation. Adia thought this would be the perfect spot for she and Gabrielle to talk about last night's events.

 

The Healer was a little surprised to hear Xena was leaving on the hunt. A small part of her, however, expected something of the sort. Adia admitted to her wife later that she had been, quite literally, terrified of a dreamscape encounter in which she had no control whatsoever. She never before saw Xena in the shape she was last evening. It wasn't the same warrior who faced any challenge, braved any terror, for her wife. Xena appeared to believe what she saw, rather than what her heart told her about the woman she loved. The Healer could see Xena trying to believe in Gabrielle. Adia just wished she had spoken to the warrior before she left. The Healer would have liked to tell the dark-haired woman to discount what she saw in Gabrielle's dreams and trust in her love for the young Queen.

 

Adia lost her opportunity when the warrior stopped by to quickly tell Adia and Sartori, she was leaving Gabrielle in their care for the next fortnight. Xena was taken back to hear that Sartori would be traveling with the hunt. For some reason Xena appeared suspicious, perhaps wondering if the Healer meant simply to keep an eye on the warrior. Sartori talked at length, attempting to convince the dark-haired woman that with all the students traveling with the other Amazons in the hunting party, a healer seemed a smart idea. Especially after last season's incident where one of Eponin's own students accidentally shot her in the leg with a practice arrow.

 

So, with her wife gone, Adia saw no reason to waste any time. Once the hunting party left the village, the Healer was prepared to give Gabrielle a couple of candlemarks before Adia showed up at the young Queen's door. The screams from the Queen's quarters and the Royal Guard's inability to explain why, prompted the Healer's visit even sooner.

 

"How was Xena feeling about what happened?" Adia asked.

 

"I guess you'd have to ask her."

 

"Did you sleep last night?"

 

"A little…off and on," Gabrielle answered tersely.

 

Adia sighed heavily, falling backward from her seated position, her back hitting the grass with a soft thump.

 

"Gabrielle…" she began, "little one…" she said softly rising to one elbow.

 

That got the Queen's attention, as Gabrielle turned and looked in surprise at the Healer. "I've never heard you call me that before."

 

"I'm sorry, Gabrielle. Does it bother you?" Adia asked in concern.

 

"No…no, it's just that…when Xena and I first traveled together…she called me that sometimes." 

 

"I apologize, I hope I haven't brought up any bad memories," Adia commented.

 

"Not at all…good ones, as a matter of fact." A small smile appeared on the Queen's face. "Why did you…call me that?"

 

"It…it was just a slip of the tongue, that's all. I guess because you exasperate me, my Queen, like someone else I used to know."

 

"Who?"

 

"Never mind, it's not important," Adia replied.

 

"So, you ask me all the questions…I tell you my most terrifying fears. You want me to confide the secret I don't want to share with anyone, but you won't even answer one simple question," Gabrielle responded.

 

Adia listened and, not only heard, but agreed with the young woman. She looked up at the Queen, who was sitting on a log beside the Healer, and expressed her apology in the form of sheepish grin.

 

"Well said. You're right, Gabrielle…it's not fair for me to expect you to open your heart and your mind to my examinations, without being as candid myself."

 

Adia sat up again and folded her hands in her lap. "The endearment really did just slip out, Gabrielle. I used to call my sister that. I'm so tall and she was a tiny thing…I guess you just remind me of her."

 

"What's her name?" Gabrielle asked.

 

"Her name was Emily."

 

"Was?"

 

"She died a number of seasons ago…a fever took her," Adia added unconvincingly.

 

"Oh Adia, I'm so sorry. Was she ill for long?"

 

Adia ran her fingers through her short hair. Looking up at Gabrielle, tears entered the Healer's eyes. "I'm sorry, Gabrielle…that was a lie. Emily wasn't ill, not like that anyway. She…she was beautiful, she loved everyone, and I don't think she had a hurtful bone in her body."

 

Adia paused and cleared her throat, the Queen sat, listening intently to every word.

 

"Emily had one problem…she heard voices. She could go on for moons, simply being the loving girl she was born to be. Then, for no apparent reason, something would set her off and she would do the oddest things. Just when everyone was sure that she was completely mad, she'd come back to herself again. It was always the same. Sometimes the voices would disappear for a whole season and we thought that she'd beaten it, that perhaps we appeased whatever God afflicted her with the curse. Then as quickly as it left, it would return. Finally, when the voices returned, Em began trying to hurt herself…trying to kill herself. She said the voices told her to. I tried to take care of her after our mother died. I told her everyday how important it was not to listen to them…not to give in to what the voices said."

 

The Healer drew her legs up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs, resting her chin on her knees.

 

"She became worse one winter and I thought her mind finally left her for good. She was like that for 3 seasons. The hardest part was to have her come up to me when she would be lucid and ask me to call her, little one. It was my pet name for her and I always knew she was all right when she would do that. I think the worst of it, for her, as she grew older, she was always aware that something was wrong with her. Some time later, she simply couldn't take listening to them anymore.

 

She turned up missing and I tore the forest apart searching for her, the whole tribe did. They found her in the bottom of a deep ravine; her tiny body was so broken. She was barely alive, but when they brought her into the village, she asked me to call her, little one. She said she did the only thing she could think of to frighten the voices out of her head. She said when she jumped from the cliff; the voices all ran away.

 

She looked so…so happy that day. She said she finally got something right. I think I lost a piece of myself that day. I could go into a person's dreamscape, into their mind, but I couldn't heal my own sister enough to make her want to live."

 

Gabrielle placed a hand on Adia's shoulder, squeezing slightly. "Why do I remind you of your sister?"

 

You're both small in stature, but enormous in heart. She had a smile filled with light, just like yours. She also had a secret. It took many seasons before I even found out about the voices. She kept it to herself; afraid she would hurt our family name or me. She finally gave into her despair, though. I wasn't good enough to save Em."

 

Long moments of absolute silence passed between the two women. When at last, Adia wiped her tears on her shirtsleeve and looked up, she met with the sight of Gabrielle, sitting hunched over, as if in pain. Tears streamed down the young Queen's face. She turned to Adia, and in that moment, the Healer did indeed think the young Queen reminded her of Emily.

 

"Do I remind you of her because you believe I'm going mad?" the Queen's small voice asked.

 

"Oh, Gabrielle…" Adia said, opening her arms to the young woman.

 

It was all the encouragement the Queen needed and she fell into the embrace, sobbing. Adia let her cry for a long while, until Gabrielle's eyes had no more tears to offer.

 

"Promise me. Adia…please, promise me…I don't want anyone to know…I don't even want you to know, but I want you to see that I'm not crazy."

 

"I don't think you're crazy at all. Why don't you want to tell me your fears, Gabrielle? Do you think I'll change my opinion of you…once I hear?"

 

Gabrielle nodded her head. "I know you will…you won't be able to help it."

 

"My dear, Gabrielle, I can't begin to explain what I've seen in my travels through the dreamscape. I've witnessed the worst that humanity can offer to his fellow man. I've seen into the hearts and souls of the most heartless of killers. There is nothing you can show me that will change my mind about what kind of a woman you are.

 

"I murdered my baby," Gabrielle stated flatly.

 

"Why do you believe this to be true?"

 

"Because it's what happened," Gabrielle explained. "Sartori told me…Xena told me…I knew what I was supposed to do, but I didn't. I cared nothing for the welfare of my child and I did what I wanted to do."

 

"Why?" Adia asked, trying to decide if it were true or if Gabrielle's grief was clouding her judgment.

 

"I don't know," Gabrielle answered. "Pride? I was tired of having everyone tell me to take it easy. Xena began to care so much about the baby's safety; I felt that I didn't matter. I really don't know why, but it's not something I did once…I did it again and again."

 

"Gabrielle, that is called an accident, not murder," Adia explained.

 

The Healer held the small Queen in her arms, stroking her hair, feeling the young woman shake her head back and forth in disagreement. Adia was fighting an uphill battle, but she believed that with some time and patience, she and Gabrielle could overcome the guilt that plagued the woman. What the Healer had a hard time understanding was how Gabrielle could have let this build up so high in her mind. It was tragic and terrible, but it wasn't justification for the label of ‘murderer' that Gabrielle stamped upon herself. The Queen was usually a very patient and intelligent woman. This kind of hysteria simply wasn't normal for Gabrielle.

 

Adia explained, in detail, where she wanted to go from here, regarding Gabrielle's treatment. The young Queen nodded, but the Healer thought she saw something unusual in Gabrielle's gaze. It looked suspiciously like defeat, even though; suicide was also uncharacteristic for the Bard.

 

"Little one, I want you to promise me something. Promise me, Gabrielle, that you won't…won't hurt yourself. I know what despondency does; it plays tricks with the mind. Don't let your misery dictate your actions."

 

Gabrielle answered the plea very carefully, for as Adia spoke, the young Queen already formulated a plan. Gabrielle knew what she would have to do. One way or another, she would free her wife of the burden of having to see Gabrielle's face…having to live with the shame.

 

"You have my word, Adia, I won't try to kill myself, if that's what you're worried about," Gabrielle answered.

 

**********

 

Nightfall seemed as if it took an eternity in coming. Gabrielle spent the rest of the day preparing. She realized that Ares, for whatever sick reasons he had, wasn't about to let the Queen harm herself by committing suicide. There would be only one other way for Gabrielle to free Xena of her obligation…if she disappeared.

 

Half the village already thought her touched with a grief-induced madness. They would believe she ran off, happy they didn't have to deal with an insane Queen. Then there was Xena. Gabrielle's chest felt a stabbing pain whenever she thought of her beloved warrior. Xena would take off after her. The warrior would search, but Gabrielle believed the warrior wouldn't look long. Her Consort would breathe her own sigh of relief, simply glad that Gabrielle chose an honorable way out. In the young Queen's mind, this was the only path she could take. She would run…far away, where they didn't know Greeks and had never heard of the young woman who followed the Warrior Princess.

 

Gabrielle outfitted herself with only a small pack. She brought a sack full of Amazonian dinars along, tied to her belt, yet hidden by her cloak. The problem was that Gabrielle was well known as the Amazon Queen, her own tales of her travels with Xena were told in taverns and inns all across Greece. Her clothes, her looks, even the staff she carried, and fought with, she had a reputation with all of them. They marked her as who she was, and when Xena asked around, Gabrielle would be an easy target to follow.

 

Gabrielle thought about it and realized she would have to become something, or someone, who no one would expect. She would have to become something she knew was inside of her. She crossed the room and lifted the sais Adia gave her. An unknown woman warrior, that was who she would have to become.

 

She dressed in a soft leather outfit, the kind of clothing she wore hunting. The shirt had long sleeves, long enough to cover the marriage tattoo, on her wrist. A loose, short sleeve covering that fell down past her thighs went over that, along with leather trousers. Plain brown boots finished off her new outfit. She needed to look completely different, so that any mention of a blonde haired warrior would not spark attention.

 

She gazed into the polished looking glass Xena placed on the wall by their bed. Gabrielle ran her fingers through her long blonde tresses.

 

"Completely opposite," she said with sadness.

 

The Queen reached for the Amazon dagger one last time and began to slice through the long lengths of her hair. She congratulated herself, as she looked in the mirror, rather impressed at the job she'd done. She quickly tossed the long strands of hair into the fireplace.

 

Gabrielle looked longingly at her staff. She would feel naked and unprotected without it. She sewed some leather loops onto her own boots to give her sais a resting place. She had to admit that she had some natural ability with the weapons. She learned extremely fast and felt confident enough to use them in a fight. That, combined with the hand-to-hand arts that Xena made sure the Queen mastered, would protect her. The problem was that Gabrielle could use a staff in her sleep.

 

"No one ever said this would be easy," she muttered.

 

The young Queen recognized the fact that she could be killed trying to defend herself with untested weapons. That's when Gabrielle's determination grew. If Ares wouldn't let her kill herself, perhaps she could work around this spell of protection. If she fought with the sais, chances are her end would come more sooner than later.

 

Gabrielle collected the necessary travel items and placed them in her small pack. There were two items the Queen refused to part with. She removed the ring her father gave her and placed it on the opposite hand. Lastly, she tucked the long chain and medallion that Xena made for her, under her shirt. Two hearts had been formed from the shape and scrollwork of Xena's breastplate, each heart holding a small stone, one blue sapphire, and one emerald green. The hearts were joined together at the points so they created the letter X.

 

With a heavy sigh, Gabrielle turned her head to look around the room. Her writings, small tokens and gifts, she was giving up her life in order to allow Xena the freedom the warrior deserved. Tears welled up into her eyes, but the Queen refused to release them. She wouldn't cry, not over this. She was doing this for Xena, just as the older woman made sacrifices for her. Gabrielle's last thought, as she left their home, was that she hoped Xena wouldn't hurt for very long.

 

The small blonde found it no easy task to sneak out of the protective embrace of the Royal Guard, or to elude the sentries in the trees, but she was an Amazon Queen after all. That and seasons spent with the Warrior Princess were all Gabrielle found necessary to slip from the Amazon village in the dead of night.

 

There were three small towns, half a day's walk in any direction. Gabrielle vowed she would bypass them and would not stop until she neared the large city of Pella. There, perhaps, she could lose herself at an inn. The most important point was simply not to head in the direction of either Amphipolis or Potidaea. Once she reached Pella, she would stay north of her homeland, crossing the Strymon, making for Abdera. From that point in Thrace, she could book passage on a ship and head anywhere in the known world.

 

The night was still warm, yet Gabrielle moved quickly. She was focused on her goal…to place as much distance between herself and who she had been as possible. She used the meditative technique her father taught her, in order to close her mind to prying Gods. The last thing she needed was Ares telling Xena where the Queen was.

 

"Good bye, Xe. Please believe that I loved you…to the very end," Gabrielle whispered to herself, slipping from the open road, to follow a path, deep within the woods.