Epilogue: Rites of Passage

With a gasp that couldn't seem to draw in enough air, Paladia bolted into wakefulness. She was sweating and shaking from the intensity of her dream, looking about for her enemy. It took a moment for reality to sink in. She was lying on thick rugs on the floor of Ephiny's tent, between Ephiny and Cait, who was breathing softly but deeply, in sound sleep. A small shaded oil lamp gave a dim glow from the corner. Eponin was asleep on the other side of Ephiny, near the door; Clea and Altrice, the new healer, near Cait. They hadn't wanted to move her, so everyone else just moved in or adapted around her.

Paladia had been having this same dream, or a version of it, for the last three nights, ever since Cait had lost a... baby, nearly died, and been called back by the combined efforts of half the tribe. Well, felt like half. It had been a weird feeling to wake up to find herself holding Cait in a circle of sleeping Amazons, and even stranger to be waited on by everybody. Once Cait had turned to her for comfort they just silently took it for granted that she would want to be with Cait, and vice versa. Neither of them had disagreed... Somehow, in the crisis, everything that had separated them had fallen away. It just wasn't important anymore, not when it was a question of life and death. Now Cait was moaning softly. She was still in pain; Paladia stroked her head, put pressure on the points Altrice had shown her, and Cait stilled.

Altrice was awake, she realized. Paladia gestured to her to keep an eye open, and silently rose to go outside. She could breathe better in the air, and the coolness of the night felt good on her skin. She walked out to the open space where she could look at the sky. Starlight glimmered, but the surroundings were very dark and still. Paladia reached down into herself to feel the ground beneath her feet, feel herself connect to it, as the stonecrops had been teaching her to do. The trembling slowly stopped, and she could feel the peace of the landscape around her. Instead of despairing at the contrast, she tried to take it in. She looked back at the camp; at the edge of the light from a torch she caught a glimpse of the white body of an owl winging silently overhead. She sighed, and the tension of the dream began to leave her.

She liked the new healer, but her arrival could hardly make up for the loss of the old High Priestess, who had died the same night that Cait had nearly gone. They found her body the next morning laid out on the altar. Some of the sisters had wanted to remove her, but Cleome, who seemed to have been her second in command, insisted that Enomalie would want her bones to stay in the temple she had picked to pass in, even if it did belong to the Amazons, not the Sisterhood. In the meanwhile, a mixed group of Amazons and Priestesses was keeping a vigil. They had argued over the merits of giving her an Amazon funeral versus the Sisterhood custom of interment; finally reaching a compromise, sort of. They were making preparations for a crypt for her in the temple itself, while the Amazons planned a bonfire on the surface of the mountain above the altar area. Paladia debated the merits of going down to join the watchers for a little while, but decided that she didn't want to leave Cait. Their reconnection was still fragile, not something Paladia was sure she could trust. She didn't want to risk another misunderstanding.

When the peace of the night had calmed her and her breathing was restored to normal, Paladia went back inside, and curled up next to Cait again. Cait turned in her sleep and their foreheads touched. It was like having a circle completed, a line connected. Paladia vowed to herself that she would never allow the estrangement that had separated them to happen again, no matter how uncomfortable she felt. If Cait would let her, that is. She took Cait's hand, and fell asleep before she was aware of having done so.

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"Paladia. Hssst. Pal. Wake up."

"Unmghhh."

"Wake up. You're having one of those weird dreams again. Oh, do wake up."

"Wh-what?"

"You were dreaming again. Something bad, I think."

"Er. Ok. Yeah. I don't remember. How do you feel?"

"Hurts. But I'm ok."

"Hey, it's the middle of the day. What was I doing still asleep? Where is everybody?"

"Middle of the morning, really. You were very tired.... they said you should sleep. They can't have gone far. Listen..."

"Yeah?"

"It's so stuffy in here. I'd love to be outside. Do you think...?"

"Do I think I could carry you out? Of course I could. Just let me wake up a little."

Before they could put this project into action, the healer came back, but she gave permission for a short outing, as long as they didn't go too far. They decided that that didn't completely spoil the fun... Paladia was so grateful for the feeling of Cait's arms around her neck, the sheer familiar weight of her body, that she'd stopped and stood still, just feeling it.

For a moment, Cait was afraid she was reconsidering, and then realized with some relief that it was simply that whatever their mental confusion, their bodies had forgiven eachother instantly and just needed to be together. She'd relaxed into those arms with a grateful sense of peace. It was the first chance they had had to be alone together since their estrangement. They ended up on a flat rock under a stunted, wind-shaped cedar, partway up the hillside above the camp. Small wisps of cloud trailed across the sky. They looked out across the valley in silence. Paladia shifted Cait's body a little higher and sat down, leaning against the tree with Cait in her lap. That was fine with Cait; she put her head down into the hollow of Paladia's shoulder, hiding a trickle of tears.

"Cait, I--"

"Pal, I'm sor-"

They had both spoken at once. They smiled at each other. Cait cleared her throat and began again.

"I missed you so much. I'm sorry. I-- I don't know what came over me."

"Shhh. You don't have to explain. It was my fault. I acted like a jerk."

"No, it was my fault too. I should have been more patient."

"I pushed you away."

"I shouldn't have let you. I should have known..."

"No, you couldn't have known... I didn't. I... look. Er. Some... stuff came up. I didn't know--- know how bad it would make me feel. I tried to forget about it, but that just made me worse. I..." Paladia stopped. She wasn't sure what she could say.

"Tell me. Please."

"But... It's not a pretty story." Paladia could feel the coldness of her nightly terrors spreading from her belly, and a clammy sweat start again on her palms.

"I don't care. It's part of you. I want to know." Cait took her hand, and looked into her eyes. "Gosh, some friend I'd be if you couldn't tell me what hurt you. I don't care how bad it is. I have to know... Pal, I need to know what's going on with you. Just tell me. Ok?"

Paladia steeled herself for another look at her past. It still hurt to think about, but she had positive proof that losing Cait would hurt a lot more. She put Cait gently down against the tree and stood up for a moment, looking out at fresh, safe, blue sky. She ducked back under the branches and sat down next to Cait on the rock.

"Ok. Here's what I think happened..." She talked for a long time; at one point Cait took her hand, and did not let go. Tears and anger mixed, she let the poison flow out of her. Telling the story again had changed it; it made a little more sense this time. When she finally reached the end of her narrative, she was hoarse. She wiped her face on her sleeve and concluded, "...That's all I remember. Sick, hunh?"

"So... Is this guy still alive?"

"I don't know. I don't think so. Why?"

"Because I want to kill him. If I ever meet him I swear I will. Pal, he destroyed your whole family, and made you think it was your fault. It wasn't. You didn't do anything. I... oh, gosh this makes it so much worse. I... how can you ever forgive me?"

"What for?"

"For... you know."

"I don't have any right to judge you."

"But I... I never thought I'd be the one to behave badly. I'm ...I'm ashamed of letting you down."

"Oh.... It's not... That's.. not important. I... look. I... I don't care what you do. I'm in love with you. I can't help it, I don't have a choice about it, I just am. If you left the Territory tomorrow and I never saw you again it would still be true....but I'm.. I know I'm not... I can't... I don't think I deserve to have you love me back."

"Nonsense. You don't have any choice about that, either."

"Still? Really?"

Cait choked on her tears. "Yeah. Listen, I... I don't know why I... I was just really down, and...it just kinda happened... I won't do it again."

"It wouldn't matter if you did. Just so you know. I wasn't.. I should have told you before." Paladia could almost feel the two parts of her being overlap, and a surge of feeling like the blood rising at the back of her neck. "There's something else. I... I'm not really sure, but..."

"What?"

"Well... I think my father might still be alive. I... I thought I saw him with the mercenaries, the day of the battle at the mill. He didn't look quite the same, but... I almost think he recognized me. He looked like he was going to say something, and then he turned away again. He just left me again."

"Oh, Pal.

"It's not like I even need him any more. I just... I wanted... I don't know what I want."

"Is that why you didn't say anything? When we left? You have that right, you know. We could have made them wait another day or two. Looked for him."

"Maybe. I... sometimes I can't....can't move. I'm so ashamed I wish I was dead. I just don't know how to be a good person, I guess. I never thought... I never had any rights before. Don' know what to do w' 'em."

"But..."

Paladia sighed. "Even if we'd waited, there's still no guarantee he'd have wanted to see me. Opposite sides... I'm not even positive it was him. It just weirded me out, y'know?"

"It hurt."

"Yeah."

Cait leaned her tear-wet cheek against Paladias, feeling both heat and coolness, as their tears ran together and mingled, soaking into the ground. No words needed to be spoken. Tears carried them to peaceful silence, and they watched the clouds move slowly across the sky. The scent of cedar wafted gently over them, as the air warmed. A small bird hopped from branch to branch, unmindful of their presence. Before either of them knew it they were asleep.

It was late in the afternoon when they woke, thirsty and a little stiff. Paladia stretched; Cait stood, somewhat shakily. She noticed that the rock had a swirly pattern of different colors in it; it reminded her of something, but she couldn't remember what.

"I think I could walk down, if you are tired."

"No, you can't. And besides, I'm not tired. Guess we should go get ready, hunh?"

"Right."

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Evening drew on, and the time of the High Priestess' funeral arrived. The bonfire was lit on the mountain, and as it burned, Ephiny and Eponin lit torches from it, which they carried down into the temple below. One by one, Amazons and Priestesses descended into the cavern. Each woman carried a candle or a small dish of oil, which she lit from the torches and floated out into the lake on a bit of wood or shell. The vast cavern bloomed with light. Watery reflections danced on the walls, and gilded the statue of Artemis, still floating on her make-shift raft, where she had been raised from the bottom of the lake. Slowly, they filed into the temple. When everyone was gathered, some of the Sisters sang, and then Cleome spoke. When she finished, she invited anyone who wished to do so to speak about Enomalie. A suprising picture of the woman emerged. It seemed that no one had known all the facets of her life; not even come close. It was only when they came together that they could begin to understand who she had been, and begin to sense how much remained unknown. When at last no one had any more to say, they all sang again, together, and then a mixed group of Amazons and Sisters carried her bier to the crypt they had prepared.

Paladia, Ephiny, Eponin took one side, and Cleome and two of her sisters held the other. They paced slowly down the length of the room, until they reached the place where one of the stones in the floor had been shifted, letting the body softly down and levering the massive stone back over the top. Filing out, everyone left some last memento on the tomb; a flower, a bit of herb, a scrap of paper with a prayer. Drifting like mounds of snow or petals, they swirled in the faint breeze.

One by one they returned to the upper world, until only Ephiny and Eponin, Cait and Paladia remained. They stood together on the portico; Eponin turned with a wordless question to Paladia, who looked at Cait and shook her head. Eponin went above. Ephiny kissed Paladia, then Cait, and followed her lover up to the deep night of the mountainside.

Paladia turned to Cait. "Do you want to go up?"

"Not yet. Could we rest here for a bit?"

"Sure."

They sat down on the steps and watched the floating lights, some near, some far away. Small ripples, the lightest breath of air, made the flames dance, the whole space becoming wavery and insubstantial.

"It's a funny thing," Cait said. "But when I was working in the other cavern, marking the warriors' bodies, sometimes I couldn't tell one set from another. Their bones have fallen together. The cave-in interrupted a battle, maybe the fiercest I've ever seen. But now I can hardly make out which side was which. Or even tell one body from another. How could something that matters so little now matter so much then?"

"I don’t know, Cait… We don't even know who they were. Do we?"

"Not really. Eponin said there were legends, but no one remembers exactly how they go. But they must have been fighting over this temple. How can two groups who both agree that a space is sacred defile it so? How can killing eachother over it be sacred?"

"Dunno. How can—what happened to me--- how could he---" Paladia gulped, and stared out into the confined vastness of the cavern. "That was the worst of it, you know. He was a really good priest. M’ mother loved him."

Cait took Paladia’s hand, willing her to know that she was not alone and defenseless any longer. "I don’t understand it."

"Maybe it can't be understood. But I can’t believe the Gods are indifferent. Perhaps the Goddess broke the mountain in anger."

"Hmmm.. And took the temple away from both tribes. Lost before it was even finished." Cait stared down at their hands. "Then why now?"

"Maybe something has changed. Maybe it's time for it to come back to life."

"Maybe it's another one of those second chances."

''Maybe."

One by one the candles burned down, went out. The glow of light in the cavern dimmed, the reflections on the walls subdued. The statue on its barge was lost in the shadows. In the darkness their sense of scale had no point of reference. They might have been looking at campfires of a distant army, a faraway city, at stars; or at infinite space. The mixed smell of beeswax, oil, and incense drifted out. Cait stood, and Paladia joined her in silence at the top of the steps, just watching the water darken.

At last only starlight remained and they turned and went back into the temple. One light still burned faintly near the altar. They walked up to it, and Cait rested her hands on the cool stone. It was quiet. They looked at eachother. In spite of her words that afternoon, Paladia knew that she did have a choice: to fall back down into her own bitterness, or to go forward into possibly unbearable pain, but with a chance of happiness. ‘Happiness never lasts’, she thought. But the choice was not between happiness and misery, but between life and death. Surrendering to the knowledge of her heart, Paladia made her decision. She knelt down at Cait's feet.

"I'm yours," she whispered. "For as long as love lasts." She thought to herself, 'longer than life, Cait, even if I don't dare promise it.'

Cait echoed her. "For as long as love lasts." She knelt down next to her friend, and took her hands. "Please may it last forever." In her own heart she begged the Goddess, 'and may I be true to her always.'

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and woke to find Cait wrapped around her, just as present in waking life. She settled her more comfortably, and went back to sleep.

The End

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