Coming Home
Part 7
by Lois Cloarec Hart

Disclaimers - See Part 1 for disclaimers.

Unable to turn his head, Rob couldn't see the clock by the bed to check the time. He amused himself for a few minutes trying to guess the hour by the shadows in their bedroom, but the late winter dawn made that difficult. He'd been awake most of the night and was starting to feel the strain in limbs left in one position too long. The knowledge that Jan was going skiing that day had made him reluctant to tire her out by waking her up too often through the preceding hours to turn him.

The last time his sleepy wife had rolled him over a few hours ago had left him facing her side and he let his eyes study Jan's slumbering form. A small smile crossed his lips as he noticed her habitual shedding of covers. It didn't matter how cold the night was, Jan couldn't stand bedding up around her neck and inevitably pushed it down during the night. It made for an interesting logistical quandary because Rob preferred being tightly tucked in. Over the years they'd negotiated a truce that inevitably saw their bedding angled from corner to corner by the morning.

Not that I'm complaining! Rob waggled his eyebrows in appreciation of his wife's smooth back, pale in the dark room's shadows, then his smile slipped and his eyes saddened. Listening to Jan's deep, even breathing, he grieved for what might have been and what was lost, even as she lay sleeping beside him. Most of all, he grieved his inability to reach across the small space and caress the woman he loved.

Companion to his sorrow was a profound worry about the future. Even as his head assured him of Jan's steadfastness, his eyes saw the deep connection between his wife and her friend, and his ears heard her renewed joy at Terry's return. For the moment, he was fairly certain that they hadn't taken things any further than friendship, but always on the back of his mind was the terrible inevitability of his disease.

Rob's eyes closed as his mind drifted back in years to another man with MS. He'd befriended Harry when they were both in the hospital during a relapse. At the time, Harry had been in better physical shape than Rob was, but then the man's wife left him. Almost before Rob's eyes, Harry went into a mental and physical slide. Rob tried hard to get him interested in the outside world, inviting him to their home for dinner, and trying to convince him to join he and Jan for a night at the movies or theatre.

Harry refused most of Rob's invitations, retreating into himself and hiding inside the safety of the hospital's walls. Within nine months, Rob could clearly see the cognitive deterioration as Harry's memory failed and the once sparkling conversationalist could barely hold up his end of a simple chat. Long before his body gave out, his mind shut down. When he died within two years of his wife's departure, Rob knew Harry had wished himself to death out of despair and loneliness.

Rob knew Jan wouldn't physically leave, but what if he too became mentally disabled? MS, to the degree he had it, was usually accompanied by some degree of cognitive impairment. If his intelligence, his wit and his memory were all lost, would Jan turn to Terry for companionship and stimulation? If he became Harry, could he even blame her if she did?

Rob worried at every minor slip of memory. He tested himself continually, doggedly recalling bits of songs learned decades before and the minutest details of current news stories. In his darkest moments, he prayed to lose his life before he lost his mind.

He was jolted out of his melancholy thoughts as the radio alarm went off and Wynonna's powerful voice filled the room, rousing Jan from her slumber. He watched as she yawned and stretched before turning toward him and beginning the ritual they'd shared a thousand times.

Her eyes still half-lidded, Jan carefully rolled Rob on his back, straightened his legs and moved the catheter bag to the far edge of the bed. Rob sighed with relief as cramped muscles flexed and eased. Jan slid in next to him, lifted his left arm and settled it around her shoulders as she snuggled into his body. She snaked an arm over his sunken chest and hugged him.

"Morning, angel." Her sleep-husky voice never failed to warm his soul.

"Morning, love. Did you sleep well?" Rob's fond question was answered by a nod and a kiss on the nearest bit of flesh.

"You?" Her murmured question failed to elicit an answer and Jan rolled her head back to look up at Rob. "Didn't you sleep again?"

Rob shook his head ruefully. "I seem to have forgotten that particular skill."

Jan frowned. "Rob, this can't go on. You have to sleep sometime! I think we should talk to the doctor about this. Maybe she can prescribe something to help."

"Maybe," Rob answered noncommittally. "Don't worry about it though. I'll just nap during the day when I need to."

With a muffled grunt, Jan settled back and pulled Rob's arm back into place around her. "We will talk about this later," she insisted, even as she cuddled back into him and closed her eyes.

A small grin was the only sign that Rob knew his stubborn wife had her teeth into something and wasn't going to let go. Betcha she has me in to see the doctor by the end of the week. Content then to bask in the moment, Rob closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation of his wife nestled against his body and listening to the soft sounds of country music filling the air.

Reluctant to disturb their cozy nest, he allowed them ten minutes by the now visible clock before he coaxed his dozing wife fully awake.

"Hey, Jan. I think we should get up now," he cajoled patiently, knowing from long experience that Jan liked to ease into the day. A soft moan of protest vibrated against his chest, and he smiled. "C'mon, sweetie. You know we have to get up. Donny is supposed to be here by eight."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm up," said the somnolent woman.

Rob chuckled. "You don't look like you're up." When she still didn't stir, he sighed and pulled out the heavy artillery. "I'd really like to get through my bathroom routine before people arrive, Jan."

With a sigh, Jan wiggled out from under his arm and sitting up, yawned deeply as she stretched her arms over her head. Rob gave a little wolf whistle and his wife laughed before cuffing him affectionately.

"Lech!" she chided amiably as she scrambled out of bed and grabbed her robe.

"Yeah, but I'm your lech," he called after her as she vanished into the washroom. As her laughter floated out to him, he stared at the ceiling and wondered how long he'd be able to say that.

*********

An hour and a half later, Rob was comfortably seated in his easy chair, listening to Jan give Donny the day's instructions. A car pulling up in front caught his eye, and he glanced out to see Terry emerging from the Tin Can. He watched as she double-checked the skis strapped to the roof carrier before starting up the walk.

"Terry's here, Jan," he called out.

"And don't forget to make sure he lies down for a nap this afternoon, Donny," Jan said as the two came out from the kitchen. Walking over to Rob, she tapped his nose affectionately. "And no giving Donny a hard time about it either, Mr. Spencer! When he says its naptime, it's naptime!" Relenting then, she grinned at him. "I left money on the table so you two can order in chicken for supper, okay?"

He smiled back at her as the doorbell rang. "That sounds suspiciously like a bribe to me, Mrs. Spencer."

As Jan walked over to open the door, she grinned over her shoulder at him. "Did it work?"

He nodded, his smile vanishing as Jan opened the door and let Terry inside. The young woman nodded at him and Donny then ducked her head. Rob could see the tension in the stiff line of her shoulders but he said nothing to lighten the atmosphere.

Turning to Jan, Terry asked, "Karen drop off all her stuff okay?"

Jan nodded. "Yup, everything's in the back room ready to go."

"Why don't you give me the skis and poles and I'll get them loaded up." Terry's suggestion was readily accepted, and Jan quickly retrieved the gear for her friend. Once she had them, Terry said, "I'll wait for you out in the car."

The young woman was on her way out the door when Rob relented enough to call out, "Make sure you bring my wife back in one piece."

Terry stopped and faced him directly. "I'll bring Jan back intact, Rob. I promise."

Oblivious to the clash of intense blue eyes and unreadable brown eyes, Jan gathered up the rest of her gear as Terry left the house.

"Okay, I think I have everything," Jan laughed as she set the boot bag down to pull on her ski jacket. Shrugging into it she walked over to Rob to kiss him good-bye.

"Be careful," he cautioned her seriously.

"I will. Don't worry, Rob. I'm not going to do anything stupid," Jan assured him. "You two have fun today and we should be back by nine or ten tonight."

She picked up her boot bag and waved at the two men as she left the house. Rob watched as Terry hurried back up the walk to take the bag from her.

"Can I get you a coffee, boss man?" Donny asked, interrupting his observations.

Rob glanced over and nodded his assent. By the time he turned back, Terry was holding the door open for Jan, who smiled up at her as she slid into the passenger seat.

Long after the car had pulled away, Rob stared out the window, ignoring the cooling coffee cup.

*********

Jan's gaze followed Terry as her tall friend left the car and walked to the doors of the Tim Horton's. She giggled as a teenager passing Terry tripped over his own feet, twisting to ogle her companion. She couldn't blame the boy. She was doing a little ogling of her own.

Terry was wearing a white turtleneck under a form-fitting black one-piece ski suit with scarlet slashes of colour on her thighs, shoulders and sides. The suit more than did her figure justice and left little to the imagination. Jan glanced down at her outfit and sighed. Her old blue down ski jacket and pants would keep her warm, but they'd never make a boy stumble in adolescent lust. She chuckled wryly. Not that she was interested in adolescent boys anyway.

She settled deeper in the seat, idly watching the stream of people entering and leaving the doughnut shop while she waited for her friend to return. When Terry exited the shop, Jan's eyes widened at the size of the travel mug she was carrying. She leaned across the car and opened the door for the young woman.

Terry handed her a small brown bag and climbed in behind the wheel. Jan peeked into the bag and grinned with pleasure at its contents.

"For me?" she asked delightedly.

"Know anyone else in this car who's crazy about blueberry muffins?" Terry teased, taking a deep swallow of her coffee and wincing at the heat.

Jan chuckled as she removed the muffin and tore off the top. "Geez, Ter, do you think you have enough coffee to last you the whole way there?"

"Doubtful," came the deadpan answer. "But I can always stop for refills. Are you sure you don't want one?"

Jan shook her head and munched her muffin contentedly. When the bite was gone she said, "No thanks. I've had enough coffee already this morning."

"No such thing as 'enough'," Terry joked as she reversed the car and pulled out of the lot.

In ten minutes they were on the highway heading west for the mountains. Jan loved this drive through winter-browned prairie and rolling foothills towards snow covered peaks looming on the horizon. It was a near-perfect day for their trip. Minus twelve temperatures would make the skiing comfortable and a skiff of new snow overnight would give them some fresh powder to play in. The sun broke in and out of clouds, revealing patches of azure that gave them hope for clear skies later in the day.

They passed the miles in lively conversation, teasing and joking until Jan felt her sides ache from laughter. Terry had seemed quiet when she'd picked her up earlier, but her mood had improved dramatically since. Jan decided her friend had just needed a burst of caffeine to wake her up.

They'd gotten to Canmore, a beautiful little town overshadowed by the towering mountains surrounding it, when Jan noticed Terry beginning to squirm uncomfortably.

Guessing the cause, she ventured with a smile, "Do you want to pull into a service station?"

"Nope, no need," Terry asserted firmly. Jan grinned to herself but kept her counsel.

By the time they'd passed through the gates to the Provincial Park and paid their daily entrance fee, Terry was in obvious discomfort, however there was no place to stop since they were bypassing the town of Banff and heading directly for the ski hill at Lake Louise.

When they turned off the double highway onto the smaller road leading to the hill, Terry was practically driving with her legs crossed. Jan tried to restrain her giggles, but broke out laughing when her friend glared at her.

"Why did you let me drink so much coffee?" Terry moaned.

"Let you!?" Jan chuckled. "Hey, you're a grown-up. I didn't 'let' you do anything!"

They slowed as they approached the parking lots, and Terry groaned as the traffic controller motioned them on down the road to the farthest lot.

"Damn! I knew we'd have to park out in the back forty on a Saturday," she grumbled. "I'm never going to make it!"

Jan diplomatically kept her mouth shut, but set about gathering her gear to make a rapid exit once they stopped. Terry found a spot on the far end of the plowed lot, and quickly scrambled out of the car, unsnapping the skis and retrieving their poles from the trunk. Jan looped her poles over her ski tips, balanced them on her shoulder, picked up her boot bag and waited for her friend. Terry grabbed a small backpack out of the trunk and picked up her equipment.

They set off at a rapid trot across the huge parking lot, but Terry stopped abruptly before they'd reached the far side. With a slight look of panic on her face, she thrust her gear at Jan and blurted out, "Gotta go...NOW!"

With that, she scaled the ten-foot wall of snow that had been plowed up at the edge of the parking lot and vanished into the thick forest.

Jan balanced both pairs of skis against her body and tried to ignore the curious looks of other skiers walking past. When Terry reappeared at the top of the snow wall and slid back down to the ground, Jan burst out laughing.

"Feel better now?" she got out as she handed Terry back her skis.

The younger woman grinned sheepishly and nodded. "Never, never let me drink that much coffee again when we're going somewhere!" she insisted as she shouldered her gear.

"Okay, but you remember you said that," Jan replied as she fell into step. "I don't want any whining that I'm depriving or abusing you!"

"Ooooh, you can abuse me all you want," Terry teased as they walked through three more lots towards the lodge.

Jan rolled her eyes and shook her head in amusement. "You are so incorrigible, young lady!"

"You have no idea." Terry's low drawl sent a tremor right down Jan's spine, and she couldn't help the involuntary shiver that made the younger woman chuckle softly.

Jan was grateful that they'd reached the large log structure, which was bustling with skiers. They leaned their skis and poles against the stands and went inside the lodge to change their footwear and secure their street boots.

After stuffing their boots and Terry's backpack in a locker, Jan pressed fifty dollars into her friend's hand and said, "Can you pick up the passes while I find the ladies room?"

"Sure," Terry agreed cheerfully before quipping, "You know, you could have had the tree beside mine. There was no waiting line."

Both women laughed as they separated in different directions. They met up a few minutes later by their skis and Terry handed over a bright pink day pass.

Jan affixed the pass to her jacket zipper and glanced over curiously. "Where'd you put yours?" she asked.

Terry was bent over her skis, but stood and held out her glove, which had a pink triangle dangling off it. "Rather appropriate, don'tcha think?" she grinned.

Jan laughed and pulled her skis off the rack. Tugging toques snugly around their ears and adjusting sunglasses, the two were soon skiing over to the multiple lineups waiting for the high-speed quad lift. Despite the long line-ups, loading went quickly and the two women soon found themselves seated with another couple.

As the chair rose into the air, Jan gazed at all the skiers underneath her and felt a slight qualm of doubt. Terry glanced over at her and asked, "Nervous?"

She shrugged a little and smiled at her friend. "Maybe a little. I skied all the time as a kid but it's been a lot of years since then."

Terry studied her soberly. "Do you trust me?"

Jan's answer was instant and instinctive. "Of course!" She was rewarded with a dazzling smile from her young friend.

A hand snuck over hers and, with a quick squeeze, Terry said, "I'm not going to take you anywhere you can't handle. We'll start with slow, easy runs, and if you feel more confident later in the afternoon, we'll find something a bit more challenging."

Jan relaxed against the back of the chair and smiled at her companion. "Thanks. I appreciate that." She surveyed the wide, moderately inclined slope below her. Gesturing with her pole, she said, "I don't think I'll have any problems handling something like that."

"Then that's the one we'll start with," Terry assured her. "I'll bet you find it all comes back to you by the time we finish our first run."

The trip to the top went quickly and the women slid smoothly off the chair, skiing out of the way to the left and stopping to adjust their poles. As Terry bent over to tighten a buckle, Jan surveyed the incredible sight in front of her.

"My God, Terry! This is so beautiful!"

From where they stood, the panorama of mountains and valleys spread below them as far as the eye could see. Terry nudged Jan and pointed to a solid white area down the valley to the west.

"That's Lake Louise over there. We're on Whitehorn right now and you can see about a dozen peaks from here that top ten thousand feet. It is pretty awesome, isn't it?"

Jan only blinked, overwhelmed with the sheer majesty of the view. Oddly, for all the skiers that passed them, there was no sensation of crowding, only of all the space one human could ask for. Struck by a dual sensation of insignificance in the face of the ancient mountains and power at mastering them however briefly, Jan shivered.

Noticing, Terry urged, "Let's get moving before you freeze. C'mon, follow me but don't be afraid to stop as many times as you want while your legs get used to this."

The tall woman pushed off and began a controlled descent down the slope. Jan followed and found, much to her delight, that her muscles remembered how to do this. Her technique was a bit rusty, but she easily kept up with her friend and by the time Terry slid to a stop on the far edge of a bunch of moguls, Jan gleefully swooshed to a halt just above her, spraying her companion with snow.

"Hey, lady!" Terry grinned, as she brushed snow off her ski suit. "You're getting pretty cocky there!"

Jan laughed delightedly. She'd forgotten how much she loved this sport. Impulsively taking the lead, she grinned at Terry's squawk behind her as she started down the run. Within moments a black streak whipped by her and Jan heard Terry's merriment at regaining the lead.

The next few hours flew by as Terry slowly increased the difficulty of the runs she chose and Jan easily adapted as her skills returned. They'd paused midway through one run and were standing together on the edge of the trees, when Terry pulled back her glove and checked her watch.

"Almost one thirty. You want to stop for lunch soon?"

Jan nodded. She'd been having so much fun she'd forgotten about eating but with Terry's reminder, she realized she was hungry. "Yeah, sounds good. Did you want to stop at the base lodge or the one halfway up?"

With a tiny grin on her face, Terry cocked her head and said, "Well, actually I had something else in mind, but we do have to make a pit stop at the base lodge."

Curiously Jan regarded her friend, wondering what she had planned. She was willing to go where Terry led though, so she smiled. "All right, o mystery woman. Lead on." Then as a thought occurred to her, she added, "Why don't you pull out the stops for this run and I'll meet you at the bottom."

Terry glanced at her uncertainly. "Are you sure? I mean, I don't mind sticking with you. I'm having a great time."

Jan looked at the younger woman affectionately. "Ter, you know you're dying to cut loose. Go ahead, I'll be fine. We've done this run three times now. I'm sure I can find my way."

She could tell Terry was wavering, torn between concern for her and a desire to ski full out. "Go!" she ordered, pushing the younger woman's shoulder lightly.

Terry grinned. "Bossy old woman! Okay, I'll meet you at the lockers, all right?"

"Right behind you, youngster," Jan teased. "Better watch your tail 'cause I'll be on it!"

"Ooooh, promises, promises!" Terry yelped as a pole smacked said tail, then snickered as she pushed off into a semi-tuck, quickly gathering up speed.

Jan stood, enjoying the sight of her graceful friend. Terry was an expert skier, and only now did Jan realize how much she'd been holding back for the older woman's sake. The tall woman flashed over the snow, barely seeming to touch the ground and never missing a beat as she soared over a small jump.

When Terry had disappeared around a bend, Jan pushed off and took the same route at a more moderate pace. By the time she reached the bottom and skied over to the equipment racks, Terry was nowhere in sight. Entering the basement of the lodge she found her young friend waiting by the lockers, backpack in hand.

"Be with you in a moment," Jan said as she headed off for the ladies room. When she returned, she grinned at Terry and asked, "Are you going to be looking for trees again this afternoon?"

"No, ma'am. I just had so much time to kill waiting for you that I've already been." Terry snickered as Jan deliberately banged into her. "Hey careful, lady! I'm carrying lunch here, ya know!"

Jan stopped short and looked at the backpack. "You made lunch?" she said suspiciously.

"Geez, Jan. Even I can handle sandwiches," came the insulted protest.

Jan chuckled and held the door open for her friend. "Well, that's not what I hear, but right now I'm so hungry that just about anything would taste good. Are we going to eat on the deck?" she asked, referring to where groups of skiers in colourful wear sat eating and relaxing in the open air.

"Um, no. Actually, I wanted to take you somewhere special."

Jan was surprised to see Terry duck her head shyly and wondered again what the younger woman had in mind. Terry hurried ahead to the ski rack and Jan followed, grabbing her skis and poles as she joined her friend. Deciding to let Terry surprise her, Jan held back on questions as they took the lift to the top.

Once at the summit, Terry led her off on a run they hadn't tried previously. It was more difficult but Jan handled it competently, up until Terry stopped and pointed off into the trees.

"We're going to go cross-country for a little bit, Jan. Follow me and go exactly where I go, okay? We'll take it slow."

Jan looked at the proposed route apprehensively, but not wanting to disappoint her companion, agreed. She followed Terry into the forest and within five minutes was questioning both their sanities as she side slipped her way down a steep hill and between trees. She was about to call a brief halt as her legs ached from the strain of maintaining rigid control when Terry broke out into a clearing.

Close behind her, Jan slid to a stop, her mouth dropping open in amazement. Clearly not a part of the groomed runs, they stood atop a large granite outcropping with a panoramic view of the valley below them and the mountains rising on the opposite side. Thick forest surrounded them and deadened the sounds of other skiers, giving the impression that they alone inhabited the mountain.

Terry knelt and snapped out of her bindings. She sank into the snow but waded forward to the back edge of the outcropping, sinking her skis in a deep vertical position.

"Here, give me your skis too," she instructed Jan, who was still staring at their glorious surroundings.

Shaking off her awe, Jan followed suit and handed over her skis. Terry drove them into the snow beside hers, and then settled down, resting her back against the skis with her legs propped on the snow-covered granite. Jan made her way up to join the younger woman and as she leaned back in comfort, realized it felt like they were on the edge of the world.

"Wow! Ter, this is incredible!" Jan enthused, shaking her head in amazement.

"Worth putting up with my sandwiches for?" Terry kidded as she opened up the backpack.

"I'd eat cat food for this view!"

"Sorry, no cat food. I must have left that on the kitchen table." Terry handed over a thick sandwich and a napkin before taking one for herself.

Jan unwrapped her lunch and enthusiastically bit into it. "Hey, these are great!" she said in surprise, savoring the crunchy, nutty bread laden with roast beef, turkey, cheese, lettuce, tomato and pickles.

Terry chuckled as she tore into her own sandwich. "Wait 'til you see what I brought for dessert."

The two women ate in contented silence. Jan couldn't take her eyes off the magnificent view. The sun was breaking through scattered clouds again and the rays descended to the valley floor in a manner reminiscent of Renaissance paintings. Slowly the clouds cleared away enough to bathe the two women in sunlight. Terry grabbed a bottle of sunscreen from the backpack and handed it to Jan.

"Better put some of this on, paleface."

"Thanks. I can already feel it," Jan agreed as she took the offering and applied the lotion. Refusing the offer of a second sandwich, she waited to see what Terry would produce from the magic bag next. She wasn't disappointed when her friend pulled out a bag of huge cookies and a silver thermos.

"Triple chocolate chip!" Terry said, taking one before handing over the bag and twisting off the top of the thermos. She poured the liquid into the cup and handed that over too. Jan inhaled the intoxicating aroma of rich, hot chocolate and took a sip.

"Aren't you having any?" she asked as Terry concentrated on her cookie.

"Only one cup. I'll have some when you're done."

Jan held out the cup with a smile. "I don't think it'll kill us to share."

Terry grinned and accepted. They spent the next few minutes passing the cup between them and munching on cookies. After finishing, they carefully gathered up their debris and replaced it in the backpack. Leaning back on their skis, they soaked in the sun like contented cats.

"This is wonderful, Terry. How'd you find this place?" Jan asked curiously.

"I discovered it when I was a kid. I kinda had a thing about going off runs to explore and I was by myself one day when I found this place. I never told anyone about it. I used to come here when I needed to think. In fact, I was sitting in this exact spot when I finally figured out why I hated my best friend's boyfriend so much."

Jan glanced over to see her companion staring out over the valley pensively. She allowed herself the indulgence of studying Terry's strong profile at length until dark eyes turned to meet her own. Softly she asked, "And you hated him because...?"

"Because I loved her. I couldn't have her but he could, and I hated him for that." Terry's rueful chuckle still echoed with a long-ago pain, and Jan instinctively reached for her hand.

"That's when you knew?"

"Yes and no. I mean I was starting to put together the equation that falling in love with my best friend wasn't quite the norm for most girls, but the pieces only fell into place for good a few months later."

Fascinated by this glimpse of Terry's youth, Jan forgot about the scenery and focused on her friend. "What happened?"

"Sure you want to hear this?" Terry asked lightly. When Jan nodded, she gave a tiny shrug and turned to stare out over the valley again. "I was fifteen but athletic and pretty tall for my age. The senior girls' coach recruited me for the basketball rep team and I ended up traveling to tournaments with them. This one time we were going to a season ending tournament in Vancouver. There were a bunch of teams there from all over the west, and they had us booked into dorm rooms for the week. Normally you bunked in with a teammate, but flu swept through the dorms and they ended up sorting out the sickies from the non-sickies and luck of the draw, I ended up in with an older girl from Regina."

Terry stretched a little and Jan could tell from the faraway look in dark eyes that she was years in the past.

"Jodie, that was her name, Jodie was a pretty free spirit, and she sort of took me under her wing. My teammates always treated me like the 'kid' because I was a couple of years younger than them, but Jodie treated me differently. Within a couple of days, whenever our teams weren't playing, we'd be hanging out together. Half the coaches were down with flu too so nobody was paying much attention to what we were doing."

Terry stopped and Jan, seeing the direction this was heading in, squeezed the hand she still held. "You don't have to tell me if you'd rather not, Terry."

The younger woman smiled a little and lifted Jan's gloved hand to her mouth, kissing it lightly. "No, that's okay. I'm sure you know where this is going. The tournament was due to end on Sunday and by Friday we were inseparable. We snuck out of the dorms that night, counting on no one being around to check on curfews. We just went to a coffee house but we spent about four hours there talking, making wildly unrealistic plans to stay in touch and get together once we were home again. We couldn't stop touching each other, you know?"

Jan smiled down at their interlocked hands and back up to meet Terry's wry grin. "Yeah, like this. Anyway, by the time we got back to our room, we were all over each other. I had no idea what I was doing, but Jodie did. Let's just say she spent the rest of the night teaching me."

Terry chuckled and shook her head. "My coach was so pissed off at me the next afternoon. I could barely move I was so sore and I was exhausted to boot. I've never played so poorly or cared less that I did. Jodie was waiting for me when I left the locker room and we picked up where we left off. By the time we had to say good-bye on Sunday, I was pretty clear on my orientation."

"Did you ever see Jodie again?" Jan asked quietly, watching Terry keenly.

Terry shook her head. "Nah, we kept in touch for a while but by the end of that summer we'd drifted apart." She turned her head to look at Jan. "All in all, not a bad way to lose your virginity though," she commented casually.

Jan murmured noncommittally. Terry looked at her curiously. "Was Rob your first?"

"No." Terry was clearly surprised by answer but before she could follow up, Jan forestalled her. "We have to talk, my darling girl."

The younger woman sighed and looked down at her boots. "I know."

Gently, Jan cupped her friend's face and turned it to face her. "You know how much I...care for you?" Terry nodded and Jan saw the resignation in her eyes. "No, don't look like that. I need you in my life. You're my best friend, but you're so much more than that."

Jan shook her head and blew out a deep breath. "God, Terry! I've never felt like this in my life before and I'm not sure how to handle it." She turned more fully to face the younger woman, bracing their legs against each other. Taking both Terry's hands in hers, she held them firmly and gazed into deep brown eyes.

"I love Rob. You know that I do, but you're in my head all the time. I can't stop thinking about you, wanting to be with you. I mean it's you I see when I..."

She broke off abruptly and felt herself blush. A low chuckle told her that her reaction hadn't gone unnoticed. Helpfully, Terry filled in, "When you do the 'laundry'?"

Jan ducked her head, convinced that the heat in her face could melt the snow. "Um, yeah."

She felt a gloved hand come up to cradle her cheek and looked up to see Terry's eyes brimming with so much love and passion that it took her breath away.

"Oh woman, you have no idea how you haunt my midnight hours too," Terry whispered, caressing Jan's cheek.

Jan thought her heart was going to thunder out of her chest and when Terry began to lean toward her, she met her halfway. Lips frantically sought out lips, arms wrapped around willing bodies, pulling themselves tightly together.

Lost in Terry's embrace, Jan barely noticed when the skis fell over and the women sank back in the snow. All she could feel was the delicious pressure of Terry's body covering hers, Terry's tongue hotly probing her mouth and the sounds of little moans and pleas coming from her own throat.

When Terry finally pulled back, gasping for breath, Jan seized her head in two hands. Dark eyes blazed at her, and Jan felt like her whole body was on fire. She almost cried when Terry jerked upright, pulling away with a visible effort of will and turning away. Panting, she lay in the snow, trying to calm her racing heart and still her roiling mind.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Terry breathed out. "I didn't mean to, Jan..."

"No, stop right there!" Jan sat up and grabbed Terry's arm. "It's just as much my fault. I wanted that as much as you did."

With a rueful laugh, Terry shook her head. "I doubt it."

Jan scrambled to her knees behind her friend and wrapped her arms around the younger woman's shaking body, hugging her closely. In a low, insistent voice she spoke, demanding belief from her agitated companion.

"Terry, you listen to me. I love you. I want you like I've never in my life wanted anyone before. I'm not playing with you. You're not an experiment. You are a part of my heart. If I were free, I'd be in your bed before you could blink an eye...but my darling girl, I'm not free."

Jan could feel Terry hanging on her every word and she gentled the intensity of her tone. Softly she swayed, feeling her friend's body relax back into her.

Quietly she went on, saying what needed to be said between them. "I also love Rob, Terry. I can't hurt him. I won't leave him. I honestly think he would die without me, and I'll never abandon him."

"I know." The soft words from the woman in her arms reassured and saddened Jan. Soundlessly she rocked her friend for long moments before continuing.

"He can't know about this, Terry. It would devastate him." Jan was puzzled as the young woman stiffened in her arms. Surely she knows we can't tell him what we're feeling?

She shuffled around awkwardly in the snow until she was facing Terry, who refused to meet her eyes. "Darling, you do know that, don't you? He would be terribly hurt if he knew I loved you. As far as he's concerned, we're just friends." Jan studied the downcast face intently, wishing she knew what the other woman was thinking.

Finally, Terry raised her head and met Jan's eyes. "You're right. He can't know," she said with firm resolve.

Jan exhaled in relief, and sank back down beside her companion. They were silent for a while and then Jan sighed and said what she knew she had to.

"Terry, you know I don't expect you to, um, be...well, you know...celibate or anything." She winced, the thought of Terry in another woman's arms too painful to contemplate. "Just don't tell me, okay?"

Dark eyes stared at her in shock before a rueful smile spread over the young woman's face. "I hate to tell you this, Jan, but you've put a rather sizable crimp in my love life. God, I haven't been with anyone since..." She cocked her head in consideration. "Geez, since last September, I think."

Jan couldn't help the relief she felt at Terry's words, but she chastised herself inwardly for being selfish. Wryly, she said, "Aren't we too bloody noble."

Terry laughed at that. "Got nothing to do with nobility, Jan." Turning serious, she leaned back on one elbow and gazed up at the smaller woman. "It just so happens that I love you too. In fact, I'm crazy about you and being with someone else just doesn't hold any appeal for me. If we can't be together, then I'm not going looking for a cheap substitute.

Jan's eyes were soft and loving as she considered the young woman offering her heart so openly. She laughed gently and reached out a hand to stroke Terry's leg. "Oh my darling girl, aren't we a pair?"

Terry quirked a small grin. "Guess we're both gonna be doing laundry overtime, eh?"

Jan chuckled and slapped the leg she'd been caressing. "Got that right. I think I'd better lay in a super sized detergent!" Enjoying Terry's answering laughter, she glanced up, and noticed the winter sun getting lower in the sky.

"Hey, if we're going to get a few more runs in, we should probably get going."

Startled, Terry checked her watch and whistled. "Wow, it's almost three. Where did the time go?"

When Jan raised one eyebrow and looked at the snow, which still held the impression of their bodies, Terry blushed. "Oh yeah," she said weakly as she began to gather things together.

With their skis back on, Terry began to move out but halted as Jan laid a hand on her forearm.

"Since you provided such a wonderful lunch, dinner's on me," Jan insisted.

Terry grinned. "I'm not going to refuse an invitation like that. I know a terrific little steakhouse in Banff we can go to."

"Sounds great! Now, all we have to do is get out of here in one piece," Jan said as she surveyed the terrain doubtfully.

"Tchh, have I let you down yet?"

"No, Terry. You haven't."

Terry's dark eyes sparkled at Jan, and she turned to start a slow descent through the trees, angling back to the nearest run.

Jan cast one wistful glance over this little piece of paradise and turned to follow her friend.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Entering her bedroom, Terry tossed her keys and wallet on top of the desk. She stretched luxuriantly, enjoying the slight burn in her arms and legs as muscles served notice of how hard she'd pushed them that day. Smiling, she dropped into her easy chair and began peeling off thick socks. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt such an incredible sense of well-being.

Terry hoped that she and Jan could get at least one more day of downhill skiing in before the end of the season, though they'd spoken of trying cross-country on their next outing. She grinned as she thought of their arrival for dinner in Banff. She driven straight to the small restaurant she favoured two streets over from the main tourist drag, and parked half a block away.

As the women exited the car, Terry noticed that Jan's eyes had gone wide and she was staring past her. Curiously checking over her shoulder, she instantly understood what had grabbed her companion's attention. Three winter-shaggy elk were ambling down the street behind her, ignoring a car that was trying to edge by them. Locals walking by on the sidewalk barely glanced at the large animals meandering past, taking their customary presence in stride.

Without waiting for an answer, Jan closed the door and started up the walk to her house. Terry stared after her, absently touching her lips.

Wadding up her woolen outer socks and thinner cotton inner ones, Terry threw them towards the brimming laundry basket, shaking her head as they glanced off the edge and onto the floor. With a little shrug, she stood and began unzipping her ski suit. She was down to her thermal long johns when a soft knock sounded at her door.

"Yeah?" she called, pausing in the disrobing process.

"It's Randy. I just wanted to say good-bye," came the rumble from the other side of the door.

"C'mon in, Randy."

The big man opened the door and poked his head around cautiously. Terry grinned at him and waved him into the room. "Hey big guy, are you heading out now?"

Randy walked over and sat on Terry's unmade bed. "Yeah, we're going to the airport in about ten minutes. I'm catching the last flight out tonight. Gotta be at work tomorrow morning."

Terry leaned over and squeezed Randy's knee. "I'm really glad you made it down for the week. It was great seeing you and I know Michael was thrilled to have you back."

A cloud passed over the man's amiable features, and Terry regarded him curiously. "Randy?"

"Uh, yeah, I'm glad I could make it too. Gonna be awhile before I make it back though." He smiled uneasily at Terry. "You keep an eye on that boy of mine now, eh? Try and keep him out of trouble."

Terry frowned at him. "Okay, cough it up, Randy. What's going on? Don't tell me there's trouble in paradise."

"No, no, nothing like that," Randy assured her. "It's just hard having to go away all the time, ya know? I know Mikey's not very happy about it." He hesitated and then mumbled, "Sometimes I worry he'll just give up on us and find someone more reliable."

The young woman snorted. "Shit, Randy! They don't come anymore reliable than you! But look, if being away in the oil patch is causing a problem, why don't you consider something here in the city?"

Randy scrubbed a massive paw over his face and shook his head. "All I know is being a rigger, Ter. I don't have any other skills to offer an employer."

Terry was quiet for a minute as she thought about her friends' situation. "You know," she began slowly. "If you were serious about staying here permanently, I'll bet my Dad and brothers would take you on in a flash."

Warming to the idea, she sat forward eagerly, waving off Randy's anticipated protests. "Yeah, I know you don't have any experience in contracting, but look what you do have to offer. You're strong and reliable. You work harder than any three men put together, and my brothers know that 'cause they saw you when we were moving Lisa and Robyn into their house. You could learn the skills you need on the job. Betcha Dad would jump at having an employee like you. You just say the word and I'll talk to him for you. They always need more men come summertime. You'd have to start at the bottom, but it wouldn't take you long to work your way up. You could even go after your journeyman papers eventually if you want."

Terry could tell her suggestion had an impact as Randy's brow furrowed in thought. Wanting to ice the cake, she played her ace. "Just think about it, Randy. I know it's a big decision, but this way you and Michael could have a future."

She was taken aback at the pain that flashed over Randy's face. When he raised his eyes to hers, the stark misery in them shocked her.

"We can't have a future, Terry. Look at me! I got a grade ten education and I work as a rigger. Michael comes from the finest schools in the country. He's old money and his Dad already has a seat lined up for him on Bay Street once he has his MBA. The only reason he's out here at all and not in Queen's is because he somehow convinced his parents he needed some space before he settled down. His family has plans for him, and you know damned well there's no way in hell they could ever include me! Best I can hope for is that Mikey will stick with me until he's done university, and even that's a pretty far-fetched hope."

Terry stared at him in amazement. She'd never heard the placid giant sound so pessimistic. "Jesus, Randy! Michael loves you..."

He cut her off. "No, Terry. I love him. Even told him so this week, but he couldn't say it back. Got all flustered and red so I let him off the hook. Laughed it off. Told him I musta had too many beers."

The startled woman protested, "No! Now come on. I saw how he acted when you were coming back. That boy does love you!"

Randy stood and looked for a long moment at the upset woman before shaking his head. "I know he cares, Terry, but he's more of a realist than you are. You don't harness a thoroughbred to a draft horse and think it'll last forever." He patted her on the shoulder. "But hey, I didn't mean to lay this on you. I just wanted to say good-bye and thank you for the hospitality. I'll see you next time around, okay?"

Terry stood and wrapped her arms around the big man, hugging him tightly. He returned the embrace, and then stepped back. "Look, I'll give serious thought to your proposal, alright? Might not be a bad idea to find a new career in town. Would've had to one day anyway, so this might be a good opportunity."

Terry nodded dumbly and watched as Randy left the room before sinking back in her chair. Her earlier euphoria over the day with Jan had ebbed away. She shook her head sadly. Sighing, she stood and stripped off the last of her clothes, grabbing a robe to wrap around herself.

Deciding a hot bath would be just the thing to prevent sore muscles, she picked up a book and headed down the stairs. An hour later, her mood much improved by bubbles and a good mystery, she returned to her room and flopped down on the rumpled bed. She'd resolved to speak to Michael about Randy, but had accepted that Randy's take on the situation was probably accurate. For now though, she set it aside and propped the pillows behind her, opening the whodunit.

Ten minutes later she realized she'd been rereading the same page and ruefully set the book aside. Tucking one arm behind her head, she let her thoughts wander, warmed by images of Jan filling her mind. She grinned as she recalled the older woman's delight at rediscovering the joys of skiing, laughing softly as she remembered Jan spraying her with snow and racing her down the hill.

Unbidden, her thoughts turned to their tryst on the side of the mountain. Closing her eyes, she remembered the sweet pressure of Jan's lips, the taste of her mouth and the pleasure of the redhead's body writhing under hers. She heard the woman's small sounds of passion echoing in her ears and one hand began to unconsciously drift down, stroking her body lightly.

Arching slightly into her own caresses, her other hand slid from behind her head and reached for the robe's tie. Casually she edged the robe apart and ran one hand across her belly, the heat of the bath still lingering on her flesh. Returning one hand behind her head, she trailed the fingers of the other tantalizingly over her body, not allowing them access to the spots most urgently demanding attention as she enjoyed the heavy sensation of arousal begin to coil and build within her.

Fingers tracing a path down soft inner thighs as long legs unconsciously parted, Terry summoned the image of Jan as she'd looked that afternoon, staring up at her, dark red hair spilling over the snow, ardent green eyes reflecting her own passion back to her, wet lips parted and inviting. In her mind, Terry slowly began to lower the zipper of Jan's ski jacket, inching it down to expose...multiple layers of thick sweaters and cold weather wear.

Terry's eyes flew open and her wandering fingers stilled. Shit! Okay, let's try this again. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and reset her fantasy. Now Jan was reclining on the pillows of Terry's bed, arms outstretched to welcome the younger woman as she crawled up beside her. Pausing before she reached her, Terry sat back on her heels and grinned wickedly.

As her fingers traced a line up the centre of her body and edged around the lower curve of one breast, Terry's mind's eye watched with fascination as Jan slowly followed her instructions and unbuttoned her blouse, exposing a black satin teddy...

Jan looked down and then back up at her lover, raising one eyebrow. "A teddy? Really, Terry, I've never even owned a teddy!"

Terry groaned, her fingers stilling again, just as they'd reached an eager nipple. Alright, no teddy...but you're wearing a black lace bra! Obediently, her fantasy lover was instantly clad in a black lace bra and Terry sighed happily, settling in to enjoy watching the disrobing. Her other hand now joined in, sliding deep between her legs just as Jan's pants were slowly being lowered over a black thong that barely covered a nest of dark red curls...when a knock sounded at the door.

"Arghhh!" Terry groaned, quickly pulling her robe together and re-tying the sash. She'd barely covered herself when Michael pushed open the door and stepped in.

"Hey, Ter. I saw your light on. Hope you weren't asleep or anything," he said, his expression despondent as he ambled over to sit beside her on the bed.

"Nope, not sleeping," Terry managed to croak, trying to dry one telltale hand discreetly on her robe while grabbing for her novel with the other. "Just doing a little reading before I turned out the lights." She waved the book weakly, desperately hoping Michael wasn't settling in for a long heart-to-heart.

She sighed as Michael kicked off his shoes, grabbed one of her pillows to tuck under his head, and made himself comfortable across the foot of the bed. Sadly, she gave up the idea of returning to her fantasy any time soon and tried to pay attention to her depressed roommate.

"Randy's off then, is he?" she said to get the conversation rolling.

"Yeah," Michael mumbled, picking idly at Terry's duvet.

She regarded her uncharacteristically morose friend with a raised eyebrow, and then nudged him gently with her foot.

"Hey, he'll be back soon. In fact, he may be back sooner than you think," Terry told him optimistically.

Dark blue eyes looked up at her sadly. "He told me about your proposition, Ter. It was really sweet of you to offer."

Puzzled, Terry stared at him. "Then why so glum? If this works out, he could be back in town for good before summer."

When her friend didn't say anything, she asked, "Isn't that what you want? To have Randy around all the time?"

Michael rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling. "Of course it is, Terry. It'd be great to have him working in town."

"Uh huh. So why do you look like Cindy Lou Who just discovering that the Grinch stole Christmas?"

He didn't say anything, but Terry knew her friend well enough to know he was wrestling with something. She lay quietly, giving him time to decide whether to unburden himself or not. When he rolled back toward her, she knew he was ready to talk.

"Terry, he told me that he loved me a couple of days ago," Michael said seriously.

She nodded encouragingly and said, "And? Isn't that a good thing?"

"You'd think so, wouldn't you?" The young man frowned and Terry's heart ached at the sadness on his aristocratic features. He covered his face with his hands, and she had to strain to hear his mumbled words.

"I couldn't even say it back. I'm such an asshole!"

"No, you're not. If you don't love him..."

Terry's words were cut off as Michael sat up abruptly and leaned toward her.

"But that's the thing, Ter. I do love him! I've never met a guy like him before. He doesn't play games, you know? He's the most honest, strong, straightforward man going. With Randy, what you see is what you get. He makes me feel safe and so loved..."

Slowly, her brow furrowed in puzzlement, Terry asked, "So if you do love him, and he obviously loves you, what's the problem?"

Michael snorted. "It should be so easy! I froze. As soon as he said that he loved me, I froze. Couldn't say a damned thing. And the worst part was, I could see the hurt in his eyes, but he still tried to make things easy for me by laughing it off. God! I don't deserve him!"

Terry ran a hand through her damp hair, trying to figure out what words would ease Michael's conscience. "Look, I'm sure Randy's okay about it. I mean he is seriously thinking of moving into town, so he must want to be with you and all. I'll bet that he knows you just need time, and you'll say it back to him when you're ready."

The young man hung his head. In a near whisper he confessed, "I'll never be able to say it to him, Terry."

Dark brown eyes blinked as Terry absorbed that. A growing indignation on behalf of the gentle rigger began to fill her. More sharply now, she demanded, "Why?"

Michael's head jerked up and he stared at her, frowning. "It's the same thing as with Lisa and Robyn's request, Terry. I have to think of my family. You know that!"

Terry's cool voice responded. "You do, do you? So because you're one of the Toronto Seatons, you can't tell a decent, honourable man who thinks you bloody well walk on water that you love him...when you do!"

Michael's eyes had widened in surprise. "Terry, it's not like that..."

"The hell it's not! You're not even living your own life. You're living the life that you think you're expected to! You're taking an MBA when you have zero interest in business because Daddy has a partnership waiting for you. You're balking at fathering a child for two wonderful people when it may be only chance you ever have because your parents might find out about it. You were even thinking of marrying a woman you don't love to meet your social obligations, being totally unfair to both of you. And now, when you admit you're in love, you're rejecting a wonderful man because why? He doesn't fit into your father's life plan for you? Jesus, Michael! You're completely screwed up!"

Terry's diatribe clearly angered her friend, and she could see the blue eyes snapping with resentment.

"I'm screwed up? Christ, woman! You're in love with a married woman who loves you too but will never leave her husband, and you have the nerve to say I'm screwed up?? Hell, you won't even have a discreet affair together. What the hell are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life playing with yourself while she heads home to her husband every day?"

Michael's furious words shocked both of them and the two friends stared speechlessly at each other.

Michael blinked first, reaching out a hand to pat Terry's ankle. "Aw shit, Ter. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean anything by it."

Terry shook her head. "No, you did, but it's okay. You're right. We're both messed up." She shuddered a little, trying to shake the gloom his stark assessment had settled on her. Looking up, she saw that he was studying her with a worried frown. She smiled at him weakly.

"To answer your question, rhetorical or not, I don't have the vaguest idea what I'm going to do. All I know is that I love her and I'm going to take it day by day."

Her friend hopped off the bed and came up beside her, bending over to wrap her in a warm hug. She responded with an affectionate embrace of her own and the two of them sighed in relief.

"Here, shove over and make some room, ya bed hog," Michael instructed as he wiggled onto the bed beside her. Terry grinned and moved over to clear a space for him. Calm restored, the two reclined against the pillows, shoulders braced against each other.

Unwilling to break the tenuous harmony unless he wanted to speak first, Terry held her peace.

"What do I do, Ter?" His plaintive question tugged at her heart and she glanced at the man who'd become her fifth brother.

Gently she responded, "I don't have the answer for you." With a rueful laugh she went on, "Hell, I don't even have any answers for my own life! No way am I going to take on the Seaton dynasty."

Michael dropped his head on her shoulder. "I don't want to take them on either."

The mumbled words stirred the young woman, and she asked curiously, "What do you want? I mean if you didn't have to worry about your family and nothing else was a factor, what would you do about Randy and Lisa and Robyn?"

He was silent for a few moments and she waited patiently. "I'd built Randy a ranch on a huge acreage in the foothills where he could run all the horses he's always longed to, and spend the rest of my life telling him I loved him every day. I'd father as many children as Lisa and Robyn wanted to have and be the best uncle to them that I possibly could." He looked up at Terry wistfully. "It sounds so simple, doesn't it?"

"Maybe it is that simple," she suggested slowly. "Maybe you need to figure out exactly what will make you happy and forget about everything else. I know your family has had expectations of you from the moment you were born, but it's your life. You only get one. Do you really want to waste it doing what everyone else expects of you rather than what you truly want to do?"

When Michael didn't immediately jump down her throat, Terry continued. "Is it the money, Michael? Are you afraid of being cut off from the family fortune if you don't toe the line?"

Her friend shook his head. "No. I mean I like the money and all, you know. I've always had it so it'd be weird to be disinherited, but to tell you the truth, I'd still have my grandfather's trust fund so I sure wouldn't be broke."

"Then what's stopping you?" Terry sat up straighter, jostling Michael in the process. "Why don't you do exactly what you want to do, regardless of your parents?"

He regarded her with puzzled eyes, as if he'd never seriously considered that option. "I guess...I don't know, Terry. I...I suppose..." His voice trailed off, and Terry could see he was wrestling with the whole concept.

A curious awe filled his voice as he said, "I could, couldn't I? It's all possible if I really want it to be." Excitedly he bolted upright and whirled sideways to face her. Grabbing her hands, he blurted, "I could do it, Terry! I could be with Randy, and father their child, and make a life out here rather than going back to Toronto!"

His face fell then and he shook his head. "But I might lose Mom and Dad." He looked up Terry with anguish in his eyes. "I do love them, Ter. They're my family. It's always been the three of us, you know?"

Terry bit her lip, wishing she hadn't made that promise to Elizabeth Seaton. Taking a deep breath, she concentrated on Michael intently. "Listen to me, Michael. I can't claim to know your parents well, but I swear to you, if you decide to be honest with them, I know without a doubt that at least your mother will understand, and I'll bet you anything that she would help your father eventually accept it, though it might take a long while."

She stared at him, desperately wishing he'd read between the lines without asking for explanations. When a cautious hope dawned in his eyes, she let herself relax a little, grateful that she might have gotten through to him.

"Do you really think so?"

Firmly, she nodded. "Yes. I really think so, with all my heart."

He searched her face before giving a noncommittal grunt. She grinned a little, content that she'd planted a seed, no matter how long it might take to bear fruit. She didn't press him farther, knowing he had a lot to consider and a lifetime of expectations to overcome.

Michael settled back beside her and a companionable silence ensued. Terry was concentrating so deeply on reviewing their conversation that she almost missed the question until he elbowed her lightly.

"Huh? What did you say?" she asked, looking at him blankly.

He smiled at her wryly and repeated himself. "I said, now that we've solved my life, what are we going to do about yours?"

Terry snorted. "Not much we can do, is there?" When he frowned at her, she shook her head. "No, it's okay. I'm really happy just to be friends with her again. I had a fabulous time skiing with her today, and I'm looking forward to our next day together."

"Is it enough?" The question was honestly curious.

"Has to be, doesn't it?" Terry answered lightly, ignoring the painful tugging at her heart.

"Hmmm." Michael's head tilted and he looked at her seriously. "Got a hypothetical question for you. If she wanted to make love with you, would you say yes?"

"She does want to make love with me," Terry said ruefully. "But she's too loyal to Rob and too honourable to do that to him. I don't blame her for that. Hell, I even admire that about her...not that it makes it any easier."

"No, that's not what I mean. If someday she does decides that you and she can have a quiet little affair without anyone finding out, what are you going to say?"

It was Terry's turn to be silent as she contemplated Michael's question. Slowly, she answered him. "Well, not that I think that'll ever happen, but if she ever said yes, I don't think I'd be strong enough to say no."

She glanced over at Michael shamefacedly, but there was no trace of judgment on his classical features. Instead, all she saw in his eyes was a compassionate affection.

He nodded, as if she'd just confirmed what he'd suspected. He was about to say something else when a big yawn overtook him. Terry grinned at him and asked, "Haven't been getting much sleep lately, Mikey?"

"Hey!" a smirk belying his growl as he smacked her shoulder. "Only Randy gets to call me that!"

Terry rolled on her side and punched him back. " And doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?"

He cocked his head reflectively, and then smiled broadly. "You may be right at that. You just may be." Michael stood up and stretched, before reaching over to ruffle her hair. "Thanks, Ter. Hope I wasn't keeping you up, but I do feel a lot better now. I'll let you get back to your book and see you in the morning. I think I'm going to go leave a message on Randy's machine."

With those parting words, he strode out of the room, leaving Terry looking morosely at her abandoned novel. Sighing she set it on her night table, tossed her robe at the chair and slid under the covers. Reaching for the lamp, she turned it off and stared into the dark, watching the shadows resolve into shapes and forms before finally closing her eyes.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Terry rounded the corner, shuffling the bundle of mail in her hand. Aware that she'd reached her route's favourite street, she glanced down the block at the Spencer bungalow and instantly froze. An ambulance was just pulling up in front of the small green and white house. As she stood rooted to her spot, holding her breath, two men in dark blue uniforms exited the van, extracted a gurney from the rear and walked up the path.

Even as she bolted up the street, heavy bags thumping against her sides, a rational part of Terry's mind pointed out that the ambulance warning lights weren't on, but panic overwhelmed logic. Her adrenaline fueled sprint ended as she burst through the Spencers' front door and slammed to a stop, only to see four surprised faces gaping at her. One of the attendants stood beside Jan, his pen poised over interrupted paperwork. The other attendant was squatted by Rob's easy chair, their casual chat rudely interrupted by Terry's precipitous entrance.

Jan shook off the shock first and quickly came to Terry's side. Placing one hand on the panting woman's shoulder, she asked worriedly, "Hey! Are you okay?"

Terry sucked in deep lungfuls of air, striving to bring her breathing under control. She stared from Jan to Rob, both of whom looked fine, before wheezing, "I saw...the ambulance."

Jan nodded her understanding. "And you thought something was wrong. Oh Terry, I'm so sorry. No, nothing's wrong. It's actually a private ambulance that does patient transfers. We saw Rob's doctor yesterday and she arranged for him to have a sleep study at Foothills. She also detected a few minor crackles in his lungs so he's going to have a course of IV antibiotics for two days to head off trouble before it starts."

Terry's face cleared and she grinned sheepishly at her misunderstanding before a quizzical look crossed her face. "How come you're not just taking him to the hospital in the van?"

Now it was Jan's turn to look embarrassed. "Because the van died on me. I've been having some trouble with it lately but I've been putting off getting it into the garage. My own stupid fault, but naturally when I need it, it won't start!"

"Well, I'm glad it's nothing serious," Terry said, shrugging off her bags. Jan turned back to the attendant who was impatiently tapping his pen on his clipboard, while Terry walked over to Rob's chair.

Hands on her hips, she shook her head at him. "Don't scare me like that, Robert Spencer!"

Relief flooding through her, she impulsively leaned over and hugged him. Pulling back, she was met by startled blue eyes and an emerging smile.

"Well geez, lady! That's what you get for jumping to conclusions," Rob teased her lightly. "But thanks for caring."

Terry dropped to her knees beside him as the other attendant left his side to retrieve the gurney. She laid one hand tentatively on his arm, and said seriously, "I've always cared, Rob. I never stopped."

Her words were quiet, meant only for his ears, but she could tell by the brightness in his eyes that her meaning had reached him. Smiling at him, she patted his arm and stood up. Turning to retrieve her bags, she almost missed his soft "thank you", but looking back she caught the genuine smile directed her way.

She winked at him and strode over to pick up her bags. Shouldering them, she looked over to where Jan was finishing up with the paperwork and asked, "Anything I can do to help? Will you need a ride home from the hospital?"

"Thanks, Ter, but I don't know how long I'll be. I want to make sure he's settled and that the sleep clinic is all teed up for tonight, so I'll just take a cab home when I'm ready. I'll give you a call later, okay?"

Terry nodded at Jan, then looked over to Rob. "Take care of yourself, big guy. Jordy and I'll pop by for a visit tomorrow night."

"Bring me a chocolate milkshake?" Rob asked hopefully.

The young woman laughed. "One chocolate milkshake as ordered," she agreed. "And if you're really good, I may even coax Mom into coughing up some cookies for you."

Exiting, she grinned as she heard him call after her, "I'm good! Really, really good, honest!" She made a mental note to call her mother after work and put in a special request for his favourite homemade oatmeal raisin cookies.

Walking back down the street she'd run up so frantically minutes before, she felt drained by the ebbing adrenaline but relieved that her fears had been misplaced. Picking up her route where she'd left off, she soon saw the ambulance pulling away up the street.

She smiled to herself as she turned into the next house. For the first time in months she felt a ray of optimism that the tension between she and Rob might ease with time. They'd both been on their best behaviour with each other around Jan but she'd keenly missed the easygoing camaraderie that had marked the early months of their friendship, and hoped they could get that back to some degree.

Terry knew that neither of them could overlook the adversarial subtext between them, but since they were inextricably bound by their love for Jan, they weren't going to be able to avoid each other either. If all they could reach was an amiable détente, it would at least be an improvement over the simmering uneasiness that had marked their relationship since that revelatory day in Rob's hospital room.

*********

Jan tapped the thermostat up a couple of degrees. A bitter northerly wind had been blowing by the time she'd left the hospital that night and without Rob's warmth beside her, she knew their bedroom would feel uncomfortably cool. Covering the birdcage, she made sure the doors were locked and the lights off before heading for bed.

Sliding between cold sheets, she shivered a little. She was hopeful that the sleep study would pinpoint why Rob's slumber was so erratic, but she missed his comforting presence. Her last thought before slipping off was gratitude that he wouldn't be away too long this time.

Jan was never sure what woke her hours later, whether it was a sound, a light or the simple sense of another's presence pervading the room, but without any conscious decision, she found herself sitting upright, arms locked around her knees as she looked at Rob standing at the foot of their bed.

Hazily, she wondered how he'd gotten up without waking her, and then her eyes widened as the rational side of her brain reminded her that Rob could not be standing there or anywhere. She was torn between pinching herself to wake up, and wanting to stay in this dream as long as possible.

She stared at the strong, robust figure rocking back on his heels mere feet away from her, his hands tucked casually in the pockets of a dark blue flight jacket that fit snugly over broad shoulders, a forage cap pushed back on thick brown hair, and those familiar denim blue eyes shining with love at her. He's so tall! The thought rattled inanely in her brain as she strove to make sense of it all.

Instinctively she reached out to him, but he gave his head an almost imperceptible shake and she let her arm fall. When he ran his hand casually through his hair and adjusted his cap, she stared in fascination. His hand entranced her, its thick, sturdy muscularity so different from the thin frailty she was accustomed to. An unseen light gleamed dully off the gold band she'd placed on his finger so many years ago.

When she raised her eyes to meet laughing blue ones, she couldn't help smiling. He beamed back at her and she was struck by his cheerful vitality. Slowly his smile faded and he regarded her intensely. Love still shone in his eyes, but it was accompanied by urgency and she sensed he wanted to tell her something.

She nodded at him, unconsciously signaling her acceptance of his surreal appearance.

"I love you, Jan."

The words he'd spoken thousands of times sounded strange to Jan. The voice was his, but as she'd never heard him—deep, husky, resonant. She blinked and the corner of his mouth quirked in amusement.

"I know you know that, my love, but I couldn't leave without telling you one more time."

"Leave?" The sadness sliced through her and was echoed now in his face.

He only nodded and they stared at each other for long moments, words superfluous as they reaffirmed the love they'd shared.

Choking, tears filling her eyes and obscuring Rob's image, Jan whispered, "I'll miss you, angel."

"As I will you, Jannie, but you'll be okay. My love--thank you."

His words were softer now and Jan frantically scrubbed at her eyes but even clearing away the tears didn't stop his image from fading.

"No. Please no," she whimpered. His eyes caressed her as his form lost substance. She felt his absence even as her eyes desperately clung to the afterimage burned into her brain. When her room was dark and silent again, Jan's head dropped to her knees and she murmured in agony, "Save me a dance, angel."

She didn't start when the phone began to ring discordantly on the bedside table. She made no move to pick it up. She didn't need to. She knew who it was and what they had to tell her.

*********

Claire threw back her covers and stumbled out of her room, cursing in expressive patois over idiots who phoned in the middle of the night. The only drawback to her second floor apartment was being closest to the communal phone since Michael always turned off the basement phone at night. She'd tried to ignore the insistent sound, but after five rings decided that whoever it was wasn't giving up.

Grabbing the receiver, she snapped, "Allo?"

"Claire? I'm so sorry to wake you, but I need to speak to Terry, please."

Claire almost didn't recognize the broken voice, but alertness quickly set in as she identified the anguished caller. "Jan? Are you all right?"

A muffled sob met her inquiry and Claire hastened to add, "Just a minute. I'll go get her."

Hastily setting the phone down, Claire ran for the stairway. Dashing up the stairs in twos, she hurried down the landing to the garret, flinging open the door and flipping on the light.

"What the hell?" A tousled Terry sat upright and looked blearily at the clock. "Claire! It's only five AM for crying out loud!"

The Quebecoise beckoned to her urgently. "You have to come right away! Something's wrong!"

Terry responded with alarm, swinging her feet out of the bed. "What are you talking about? What's wrong?"

Claire had grabbed her arm and was hustling her out of the room. "Jan's on the phone and there's something very wrong."

Terry stopped short and stared at her. "Jan?"

"Oui, Jan. Hurry!" Claire didn't have time to say anything more before Terry tore off, taking the stairs in giant leaps and thundering down to the main floor. Claire followed close behind at a safer pace, awed that Terry hadn't broken a limb in her mad dash.

She arrived in time to hear Terry's strained voice saying, "Oh God, Jan! I'm on my way, sweetheart. Just hang on!"

Michael popped his head out of the basement door, sleepy eyes taking in the scene. "What's going on? Sounds like a damned herd of elephants up here!"

Terry dropped the receiver in the cradle and turned wild eyes towards her roommates. "Rob died tonight. I've got to get over there."

Claire and Michael gasped as Terry ran back up the stairs. Claire sat down heavily in the hall chair and Michael crouched beside her. They stared at each other and then Claire reached for Michael's hand. They stayed there, silently comforting each other until Terry dashed back down the stairs scant minutes later, hastily clothed in jeans and a sweatshirt.

As the distraught woman jerked her jacket out of the closet and fumbled with her boots, Michael asked gently, "Do you want me to drive you over, Ter?"

She shook her head and when she looked up, Claire could see the tears running down her cheeks. "No--thanks, but I gotta get going. I have to get to her."

She was up and running down the hall to the back door before they could utter another word. They waited until they heard the roar of the Tin Can through the wide open door before Claire suggested, "Why don't I put on some coffee?"

Michael nodded sadly and stood, pulling her up with him. Walking to the kitchen he asked, "Do you think we should call her family?"

Claire considered that and then nodded. "Oui. Emily would want to know what's going on and Terry may not have time to phone her."

He softly pushed the back door closed and followed into the kitchen.

"Why don't you make the call and I'll make the coffee," Claire suggested as she turned on the cold water.

*********

Terry barreled around the corner, grateful that near empty roads had facilitated her race through city streets. She swerved into the curb and ripped the keys out of the ignition, running up the path before the Tin Can had even stopped rumbling. Flashes of her last frantic sprint up this path less than 24 hours ago streaked through her mind, but with the dread knowledge that there was no happy ending this time.

Hastily she fumbled to fit her key in the lock and pushed open the door. Suddenly apprehensive, she took a deep breath and stepped inside. The sight that greeted her caused her throat to close up. Jan was curled up in Rob's chair, rocking slightly as she clutched Rob's favourite old plaid blanket to herself. Reddened eyes stared up at her in misery and Terry crossed the room in a second.

Dropping to her knees, she gently wrapped the forlorn woman in her arms, murmuring softly, "I'm here, Jan. I'm here." She could feel Jan's body shake with sobs and knew her own tears were soaking the woman's shoulder.

They stayed like that for a long time until Terry sensed that Jan had calmed a little. Pulling back just enough to see the anguished face, Terry brushed a few red hairs back and waited for her friend to speak.

"He was finished at the sleep clinic and they'd transferred him back up to his room. He was settled in by four AM and the nurse said he was fine then. Somehow, he slipped away between then and when she next checked on him." Jan's eyes filled again as she stared at Terry. "They didn't even try to revive him because of the DNR on his records from the last time he was in. God, Terry! What if they could have brought him back if I hadn't let them put that on?"

"Oh no you don't," Terry stated firmly. "There's no way you're going to feel guilty about this. Remember what Rob's wishes were and remember what they told you would probably happen if he did have a stroke or heart attack? You know damned well that he didn't want to hang on hooked up to machines. That wasn't Rob!"

Jan nodded reluctantly and Terry softened her voice as she stroked the other woman's back. "Listen, Jan. Do you remember telling me that you always hoped he'd slip away easily in his sleep rather than lingering in some hospital hooked up to tubes and machines? Well, sweetheart, that's exactly what happened. He went to sleep and didn't wake up."

The older woman ran a hand over her eyes. Her voice barely above a whisper, she said, "But I'd always hoped I'd be there for him, you know? I wanted to hold him, send him from this world to the next knowing how much I loved him, how lucky I was to have met him and to have shared my life with him."

Feeling hopelessly inadequate in the face of her friend's grief, Terry insisted, "Oh Jan, he knew that! You let him see your love every day that you cared for him."

Jan looked up at her pleadingly. "Terry, I want to go see him."

Without hesitation, Terry stood and offered Jan her hand. "Let's go see him and say good-bye."

As they walked to the front door, Terry almost missed Jan's soft words, "He already said good-bye." Puzzling over the odd statement, she helped Jan into her coat, but decided to leave any questions for a better time.

The drive to the hospital was quiet, both women lost in their thoughts. When they got there, a sympathetic nurse escorted them to Rob's room.

"We'll be moving him soon, dear. But since he didn't have a roommate, we thought we'd leave him there until you arrived." The nurse, accustomed to the rhythms of life and death, patted Jan comfortingly on the arm and left the two of them alone.

Immobile, Jan stared at the quiet form covered by a white sheet. Terry struggled to push her own grief down, determined to be strong for her friend. When Jan finally crossed the room and peeled back the cover however, Terry lost her battle with the tears and let them flow unchecked. Her sorrow was compounded by a growing sense of guilt that Rob's final months had been overshadowed by her own relationship with his wife.

Gently, Jan brushed her hand over Rob's face, pushing back his stubborn forelock and rubbing at a bit of gel on his temple left over from the sleep testing. Terry had never seen a dead body before and was struck by the absolute stillness, the absence of...everything.

Softly Jan whispered, "Thank you too, angel."

Terry knew she was witnessing a private moment and was about to retreat to allow Jan space when the woman turned to her and took her hand. Squeezing it for emphasis, Jan said, "He's not there, Terry. That's not him."

Startled, Terry glanced over to reconfirm it was Rob's body on the bed. Jan smiled slightly at that.

"No, Ter. I mean that's only a shell that he left behind."

Jan turned back to pull the sheet back up, rested her hand on his chest for a minute, and then led Terry out of the room.

*********

The mild breeze caressing the small crowd gathered at the front of the Springbank airport hangar held tantalizing hints of a spring only weeks away. Terry glanced around, musing on the people who'd come to bid Rob farewell.

Jan stood between her and Kate, with John and Kevin hovering close. Michael and Claire stood with the entire Sanderson clan, along with Lisa and Robyn. Donny and his wife were there as was Rob's family, who had come from the East for the funeral. Eric had not only arrived with an impressive collection of Rob's old pilot buddies, he had conducted Rob's service too.

Terry had been mildly surprised to hear that the irreverent former jet jockey was a lay minister in his church, but Eric had done Rob proud, drawing equal parts laughter and tears in their send-off. She closed her eyes as she recalled the moment that left not a dry eye in the funeral chapel.

Eric reached inside his suit jacket and extracted a sheet of paper. Looking up at the gathering, he smiled gently. "I want to wrap this up today by reading a letter, one that Jan wrote Rob the day he died." Fumbling with his reading glasses, Eric began.

It's only been a few hours since you said good-bye and I still can't believe you're gone. It's like a huge hole has opened in my heart. I hope you can hear me because I need to tell you this. I know that I was a thousand times blessed to have you in my life. Countless times through the years I was awestruck at your courage as you handled every obstacle thrown your way with incredible grace. Beloved, you made us laugh when any other would have sobbed at the humiliations your own body inflicted on you. You had no time for self-pity, and no one else thought to pity you for your very nature demanded so much more: respect, admiration, love. For the rest of my days, your life will be my shining example of how to live to the fullest the human spirit is capable of. Beautiful man, I love you...I miss you."

Terry realized she must have made a sound as dark green eyes looked up at her curiously. She smiled reassuringly and Jan turned back to face the line of Eric and four of his and Rob's old comrades. Jordy stepped out from where he'd stood beside his parents and walked steadily to Jan. When he stopped, she carefully handed over the bronze urn she'd been holding. He nodded gravely, accepting Rob's remains before joining the group of pilots.

Watching her little brother climb into the small plane with Eric, Terry was struck by how he seemed to have grown these past few days. Despite his grief over his idol's death, Jordy had been steadfast in standing by Jan and helping her in every way he could. Terry knew it was his way to honour Rob's trust in him. In turn, Jan had asked him to take charge of Rob's ashes, and he had accepted the responsibility with dignity.

The five small, assorted aircraft taxied to the runway, led by Eric and Tom's red and black bi-wings. Terry felt Jan edge closer as the formation began to roll and lifted off. She wrapped a comforting arm around the older woman's shoulders as they watched the flight head west. Once there, she knew that Jordy would open the urn and let the wind pull Rob's earthly remains out over the mountains.

The small crowd waited, conversing quietly until someone spotted the formation returning. Terry felt the smaller woman under her arm straighten, and she did the same, letting her arm fall back to her side. As the flight approached the airfield, one lone aircraft broke away, soaring heavenwards as Rob's old friends honoured him with the Missing Man formation.

Everyone was silent as the planes roared overhead. Glancing behind her, Terry saw the flight bank and turn back for approach to the airport. The crowd began to drift then as people made plans to regroup at Jan's house for a reception. Emily walked over to speak to them.

"I'm going to head over to the house to get things going," she addressed Jan gently. "Kate, did you want to join me and we'll get everything set out before the crowd arrives?"

Kate nodded her agreement, gave Jan a quick hug and walked off with the older woman, leaving Terry and Jan alone. The young woman turned to her companion and took her hands.

"Hey," she said softly. "How are you doing?"

Peaceful eyes looked back at her with a new serenity in their depths. "I'm okay, Ter. It really was a beautiful send-off, don't you think? He'd have loved his friends' tribute."

"It was perfect," Terry agreed. Hearing the sound of aircraft behind her, Terry turned to watch the flight taxi in. Feeling an arm slip around her waist, she glanced down to meet a warm smile.

"Thank you for being here for me. I don't know how I'd have gotten through these last few days without you and your family."

Terry wrapped an arm over Jan's shoulders and hugged her. "Always," she murmured, as they quietly awaited Jordy and Eric's return.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Terry stroked the thick gray fur, absently pleased that Spooky had long ago forgiven her for that Christmas insult to his dignity. She glanced up as Marika returned from the kitchen with a refill for her coffee, accepting the steaming mug handed her. The blonde woman resumed her seat across from Terry and gracefully curled her legs up underneath her body.

Sipping her own cup, Marika picked up the thread of their conversation. "So, do you think it's serious with Matt and Claire?"

Terry laughed. "Well, I think it's serious for Matt but, honestly, Claire is not making it easy on him. She has no intention of becoming one more notch on his bedpost."

Marika smiled at that. "I take it that she's looking for a relationship with a little more depth than he's used to?"

"I think he's going to have to go out to Quebec to pass her family's inspection before he even gets beyond her front door," Terry snickered gleefully. "You know what the best part is though? He's so crazy about her that he'll jump through any hoop she sets. You know what I caught him reading the other day? What Women Want. I thought he was going to kill me, but then when I didn't tease him or laugh at him, he actually asked me some questions about what he was reading. Man, I never thought I'd see the day that Matt would choose chivalry and cold showers over the nearest available bimbo!"

"Yes, it's amazing what love will do to you," Marika said softly, staring into her cup. Terry glanced at her friend sharply but the gray eyes that rose to meet hers were calm and clear. Her tone light, Marika asked, "Did you hear back from the publisher?"

"Yeah," Terry said ruefully. "Unfortunately, it was another rejection slip. Jan's trying to convince me to post it on the net. She asked me if the forum really mattered as long as people were reading my work. She makes a good point but I want to think about it first."

Eager to change the subject, Terry asked, "Hey, did you ever find a replacement for your legal assistant?" When a heartfelt groan met her question, she grinned. "I'll take it that's a 'no'?"

Marika shook her head wryly. "Not only is it a 'no' but I only have a couple of weeks before she starts her maternity leave, which means I have to find someone fast so they can be briefed before Marian leaves. I'm swamped with cases so I haven't had time to do more than glance at resumes."

"Don't you have a pool of assistants in the firm or something?"

"No, every lawyer has their own assistants assigned, though we do share floaters occasionally depending on the workload." Marika shook her head in resignation. "I'm going to end up hiring the first one who shows up for an interview just to get it over with. Anyway, let's not talk about it. It'll just ruin my weekend." She grimaced, and then smiled at her friend. "Did I hear you mention that Randy is due back in town soon?"

Terry nodded. "He starts working for my Dad at the beginning of the month."

"I imagine Michael is pleased?"

Scratching the purring furball under the chin, Terry laughed. "You could say that. The boy hasn't been this excited since Lisa and Robyn broke the news that his swimmers had done their job. God, I thought he was going to have a coronary that day!"

She chuckled as she remembered Michael strutting around the house proclaiming his potency. "You should have seen Sunday dinner that week. I don't know who was prouder, Michael or Duncan. You'd have thought both of them did it all by themselves. But the best part was when Lisa and Karen looked at each other, rolled their eyes and began telling the guys exactly what was going to happen in about seven months time. By the time they were done, Michael and Duncan were as green as the broccoli. Sure shut 'em up though."

The two friends smiled at each other, enjoying the return to reality of the cocky fathers-to-be. Then Terry asked curiously, "Did you ever think of having kids, Marika?"

The elegant woman coughed as her coffee went down the wrong way. When she recovered, one raised eyebrow emphasized her incredulity. "I'm not exactly the maternal sort, Terry. Spooky's just lucky that he's reasonably self-sufficient. No, I don't think motherhood is in the cards for me. Why, are you thinking about it?"

"Maybe someday," Terry mused. "I'm not in any hurry or anything."

"Well, you're not exactly ancient so your clock must be fairly quiet yet," Marika said as she shifted in her chair. "How's Lisa doing anyway?"

"Pretty well actually. Not a lot of morning sickness so she got off lucky." Chuckling, Terry added, "Robyn is driving her crazy though. She won't even let Lisa carry in the groceries from the car. Lisa wanted to play on the team this summer and Robyn put her foot down. First time I've seen that happen, and darned if Lisa didn't back down too. We sure miss her at shortstop though. Our record's only two and two without her."

"Does Jan play on the team?"

"No, but we put her to work as the equipment manager. Told her that if she was going to come to the after game beer calls, she had to earn her way." Terry glanced up to find gray eyes regarding her gravely.

"So things are going well with you two?"

Terry flinched at the off-hand question and hoped her murmur of assent would satisfy her friend. She sighed inwardly when Marika refused to let it drop.

"You know, Terry, you can't avoid this forever," she said seriously.

The tall woman squirmed and mumbled, "I'm not avoiding anything!"

A snort from her companion let her know how well that had gone over. "Right, you're not avoiding anything," Marika agreed sarcastically. Then softening her tone, she said, "Terry, it's been three months now since he died. I know you love her, and from what you've told me, she loves you too. When are you going to do something about it?"

"Like what?" Terry muttered, refusing to meet Marika's gaze.

"Oh for crying out loud! Do I really have to paint you a picture?"

Terry flinched at Marika's clear exasperation. "Well, it's not like I'm not around her all the time, you know. We go out and do things, and we spend hours on the phone when we're not together."

"Yet here you are on a Friday night, keeping Spooky and me company, when you should be making wild, passionate love to the woman you adore." Marika's dry response drew a grimace from Terry.

"She had a meeting tonight. Besides, maybe I like hanging out with you and Spooky," Terry protested weakly.

"And maybe you're just scared spitless," came the acerbic response. "Have you even gone any further than kissing her?"

Terry felt the warmth spreading over her face as she shook her head.

"Well, it's certainly not that you don't know what comes next," Marika said pointedly. "So what exactly is holding you up?"

"Geez, Marika! She just lost her husband for crying out loud! I don't want to rush her before she's ready."

Terry's reasons sounded feeble even to herself. Jan had mourned Rob's loss deeply, but hadn't let it prevent her from going on with life. Taking some time to decide what direction she'd go in, and with no pressing financial need to work, she'd filled her days the last couple of months volunteering with the MS Society, the food bank and a hospice. Terry had often caught Jan's curious looks when they parted after an evening out and knew the older woman was simply waiting for her to make the first move.

"Alright, Terry, enough bullshit! Exactly what is going on?" Marika demanded. "This isn't like you at all."

The dark haired woman sighed and looked up to meet curious eyes studying her. "I feel guilty," she murmured, glancing back down at the contented cat on her lap.

"Excuse me?" Marika's puzzlement was clear. "Guilty about what? You certainly didn't cause Rob's death."

"What if I did?" Terry blurted out, voicing for the first time the thoughts that had haunted her ever since she'd seen Rob's still form under white sheets in his hospital room. "What if the stress of knowing what was going on between Jan and I ended up killing him?"

Terry saw Marika stare at her in astonishment. "Good lord, Terry! Surely you don't really think that?" she finally said, shaking her head in disbelief. "From what you've told me, the man had been living on borrowed time for years! This is in no way your fault!"

Leaning forward urgently, Terry didn't even notice an insulted and slightly squished cat bound off her lap. "Even if I didn't directly cause his 'death', what about how unhappy I made him the last couple of months of his life, huh? I interfered with the only thing that mattered to him. He gave my family and me nothing but kindness and how did I repay him? I got involved romantically with his wife. For God's sake, Marika! He was a helpless invalid and I stabbed him right in the heart."

"But you two didn't do anything. You didn't have an affair or anything," the other woman protested.

Terry sat back and looked at her intently. "We didn't have to. It was agony enough for him knowing that we were in love."

The two women fell silent then until Marika broke the quiet. Her voice compassionate, she said, "And that's why you won't make love to Jan? Because you feel guilty for 'falling' in love with her?"

Terry nodded wordlessly and the blonde sighed. "Terry, that's just about the dumbest reason to deny yourself and her that I've ever heard."

Frowning indignantly, Terry was about to dissent when Marika stood up decisively.

"My friend, I'm kicking you out," she said, gesturing towards the front door.

"You're kicking me out?" Terry asked in disbelief.

"Yes. It's for your own good. I'm not letting you hide here anymore." Marika had gently but firmly taken Terry's arm and was steering the shocked woman towards the front door.

"But, but..."

Terry's sputtering did not seem to have any effect on the determined blonde, who pressed her jacket into her hands and opened the door. Relenting a little, Marika cupped Terry's face in her hands and kissed her cheek.

"Ter, I love you dearly, but you're driving me nuts with all the moping around you've been doing. Go see your lady and straighten this out. I don't want to see you darkening my door again until you do." Marika smiled at Terry's despondent expression, and patted her shoulder. "Besides, some of us do still have a life. I have a date tonight, my dear, and you're not invited."

Terry gaped at her friend. "You have a date?"

Marika rolled her eyes, but shook her head affectionately at the befuddled young woman. "It does happen from time to time. Now go! You have business to attend to."

With that, she firmly shut the door in Terry's face. The young woman stared at the closed door for a few moments, then slowly turned and walked down the hall to the elevator. Pressing the button to summon the lift, she muttered, "A date. She has a date."

When the doors opened, she glanced somewhat forlornly back down the hall and, sighing heavily, made her departure.

*********

Still moping over Marika's blunt words, Terry ignored the soft hum of voices in the living room and headed directly up the stairs. Hearing Michael's laughter, she assumed he was entertaining friends and was guilty grateful that she would be allowed to sulk undisturbed.

Walking into her room, she was startled to see that it had been tidied up. The usual heaps of clothes and damp towels had been collected and removed. Her bed was neatly made and even her carpet appeared to have been vacuumed. A slow smile crossed her face as she decided Michael must have finally been unable to take it anymore. She grinned as she recalled his disgust with her housekeeping two nights ago when he'd dropped into the garret for a visit.

"God, Terry! Don't you ever clean in here?" her friend asked as he cleared a chair with obvious distaste, pushing the pile of clothes under her bed with one foot. "How can you live in such a pigpen?" He ostentatiously dusted off the chair before taking his seat.

Momentarily cheered, she crossed the room and opened the window, letting in the fragrant spring air. Slouching on the window seat, long legs folded under her, she twisted her body to look out over the backyard. Staring at the tall old crabapple tree that had burst out in brilliant pink blossoms that week, she let her mind drift.

Terry knew her current romantic stasis couldn't go on forever, but she didn't know how to break out of it. Every time she contemplated finally making love to Jan, an image of Rob as she'd last seen him, came into mind. She hated the fact that guilt was crippling her and worried constantly about how long Jan's patience would last.

Lost in her thoughts, she never heard someone quietly enter through her open door, close it softly and come up behind her.

"You look like you're a million miles away."

"Aack!" Terry jumped and veered dangerously towards the open window. Jan grabbed her arm quickly and pulled her around until long legs were safely planted on the floor.

"Damn! You scared the life out of me," Terry exclaimed, her heart thumping wildly. "I could've gone right out the window!"

"I'm sorry," Jan said, but Terry saw the unrepentant twinkle in green eyes. "I wouldn't let you fall."

The redhead deliberately moved closer and, suddenly nervous, Terry retreated a little, abruptly sitting down as she backed into the window seat. Jan smiled at her and Terry unconsciously tugged at the neck of her shirt to ease her oddly rising temperature.

"I, um, thought you had a meeting tonight?" Terry asked self-consciously.

"I did. Somehow your Mom and I even got maneuvered into being on the organizing committee for the summer food drive," Jan said ruefully. Then she added with a smile, "Your Mom asked me tonight to sit with the family for Jordy's grad next month."

"That's good," Terry said, keeping a nervous eye on her friend. "I'm glad you two get on so well."

Jan nodded thoughtfully. "Emily's a terrific person. A lot like her daughter actually." With a small grin, she reached out a hand and drew one finger down the middle of Terry's shirt. "Anyway, the meeting was over a couple of hours ago and I decided to drop by and see my favourite girl."

"Uh, good...good. Yeah, I'm glad you did," Terry babbled, wiping her hands surreptitiously on her jeans.

Something was different about her friend tonight. Determination emanated from the small body and a deep resolve lay in normally gentle green eyes. The charged atmosphere between them excited and scared Terry in equal measure. Forgetting to breathe, she watched with fascination as the tip of a pink tongue slowly ran over Jan's upper lip.

Tingles running up her back and settling between her legs alerted Terry that this was rapidly getting out of hand, and she frantically sought a distraction.

"Room!"

Jan blinked at the non sequitur and Terry hastened to add, "Don't you think my room looks great? Michael cleaned it up for me."

Amusement rippled over Jan's face, and Terry got the impression the older woman was biting back a laugh. "So Michael cleaned it up for you, did he? That was awfully nice of him."

"Well yeah, at least I think it was him. I mean who else would clean it?" Terry said with honest puzzlement.

This time Jan didn't bother to stifle a chuckle. "Maybe somebody who thought a tidy room and clean sheets would be conducive to...a good night's sleep."

"Oh. Ohhh!" Terry said, finally cluing in. Then the full import of what Jan was saying sank in, and her mouth dropped open as she gaped at the older woman.

Jan gently reached out two fingers and closed Terry's mouth.

"You'll catch flies, darling," she admonished sweetly. Fixing determined green eyes on startled brown, she deliberately stepped forward into Terry's personal space. Terry jerked reflexively, but had nowhere to go. Gulping, the younger woman felt her heart race and her breathing shorten. Hypnotically, she felt Jan's fingers trace a soft path across her hairline, along the side of her face and down her throat.

"So soft," the older woman murmured as Terry swallowed convulsively. Glancing up, Jan suddenly hesitated, studying the younger woman's face. For a long moment, the two were frozen in mid-seduction. Then Terry saw doubt cross Jan's face, and the redhead let her hand fall away from where it had seared the younger woman's flesh.

Taking a step back, Jan looked at the floor and whispered, "What's wrong, Terry? Don't you want this anymore? Have...have your feelings changed?"

The pain in her friend's voice galvanized Terry and she jumped to her feet, pulling Jan into her arms.

"No! Oh God no, Jan! I love you! With all my heart I love you. Please believe that!" She clung to the smaller body desperately, aching at the hurt she'd caused her love.

"Then why?" The muffled voice was genuinely confused.

Terry sighed and gently eased Jan back so she could look into uncertain eyes. "Jan, I love you. I want nothing more than to lead you over to that bed and spend the rest of this night making love to you. And then I want to do it all over again the next night and the next and the next, until I've spent a lifetime loving the most wonderful woman in the world."

Jan had slowly brightened as Terry poured her heart out, but the younger woman could still see the confusion in her eyes. Releasing Jan, she turned slowly to stare out into the gathering dusk. Trying to collect her thoughts in a coherent pattern, she was startled to hear Jan's soft voice speak first from behind her.

"We have to talk, my darling girl."

Terry snorted quietly as she recalled the last time Jan had said those words. Resting her hands on the window seat, she lowered her head and rocked forward on her toes. "I remember you saying that on the edge of the mountain," she said soberly.

"Yes. I did," she agreed. "And a lot has changed since then, Terry. But one thing hasn't. I love you and I long for your touch every bit as much now as when we practically melted the snow that day, probably more."

Terry straightened but didn't turn around. "One big change," she said slowly. "Rob's gone."

"Yes, he is." The soft voice was contemplative and Terry could almost hear her friend reasoning things out. "That's what this is all about, isn't it, darling?"

Terry nodded her head shakily, unable to reiterate the guilt she'd voiced to Marika earlier that night.

"Oh Terry, that's what's been bothering you?" Jan asked sadly. She fell silent then and Terry stood motionless, afraid to move and afraid to say anything, but desperately hoping she hadn't completely made a shamble of their relationship. Just when she was sure she would crack from the tension, a low, adamant voice demanded her attention.

"Terry, you listen to me. Our love does not dishonour Rob. It does not diminish the love he and I had for each other. Even knowing what I do about myself now, I would not change my choice to marry him and care for him all those years ago. I will always cherish what we had between us, even if it wasn't exactly a conventional marriage."

Hanging on every word, Terry felt Jan step closer.

"But as you said, Rob's gone now. I will miss that dear man for the rest of my life, but Terry, I will not deny what I feel for you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone...anyone, Terry! I want to be with you, tonight and every night. Tell me, how long would you have me wear the widow's weeds? Three months? Six months? A year? Do you really think Rob would deny me a chance at happiness? Do you think he would take pleasure in me sitting by myself at home, weeping for him? Or would he delight in knowing that someone loved me, that I didn't have to be alone?"

Terry felt the shock of Jan's words, as the truth of them was suddenly, vividly clear. The one thing never in doubt had been Rob's love for his wife. The love that he'd fought for so fiercely in life wouldn't condemn Jan to loneliness after his death. Jan loved her. She knew that with every fibre of her being. She wasn't hurting Rob by denying them the expression of that love now. She was hurting the woman she loved, and that was unacceptable.

Firmly she pushed residual guilt down, unwilling to let it paralyze her any longer. Her shoulders straightened and her head came up. Just as she was about to turn around and claim her love, Jan pressed firmly up against her back and sturdy arms slipped around her waist.

Terry gasped at the feel of Jan's body stretched fully against her own. She froze as determined fingers slowly began to undo her top button. Hypnotized, she stared as each button was deliberately unfastened and her shirt was gently tugged out of the front of her jeans.

Warm hands ran delicately over her belly, and Terry moaned at the sensation. Unmoving, she stood as gentle fingers cupped and caressed her breasts. She watched in fascination as a single finger lightly teased her nipples through the fabric of her bra.

Her knees weakened and her mouth dried up, as Jan firmly drew her shirt back over her shoulders and down to her elbows, trapping her deliciously. Terry's eyes closed as nimble fingers unclasped her bra and slid that too down her arms. It was only when the cooling evening air flowed over her naked breasts that she realized she was still standing in front of an open window, but before she could protest, loving hands came up to cover her exposure.

She tried to speak, but all that came out was a groan as soft wet lips grazed the nape of her neck. A trail of kisses seared across her shoulders as hands began to softly caress and stroke her flesh. When one hand slipped away down her belly and under the waistband of her jeans, her knees finally gave out.

With a delighted laugh, Jan caught Terry and pulled her strongly back into her body. Panting, the younger woman allowed the smaller body to support her for a moment.

"I think we'd better lay down before I fall down," Terry whispered hoarsely, clinging to Jan's hips, the curves of which nestled so deliciously against her.

Jan turned her just enough to press a fiery kiss onto receptive lips, before ripping off the shirt and bra dangling haphazardly from the younger woman's body. The redhead took Terry's hand and she blindly followed her partner to the bed.

One astonished thought ricocheted through her mind before Jan's urgent body covered her naked torso. She's never done this before?! Demanding hands fumbled with the buttons of her jeans even as Jan's mouth ravaged hers. Terry whimpered when the redhead slid away and down her body. Unconsciously, she lifted her hips, allowing Jan to strip away her pants. She was almost shocked when she realized she was lying naked under a very triumphant Jan, who straddled her hips, eying her body appreciatively.

"Hey," she protested. "One of us is severely overdressed here!"

Jan grinned down at her as Terry ran her hands over the older woman's thighs. With excruciating slowness, the redhead crossed her arms and pulled her sweater up over her head, tossing it to the floor.

Terry sucked in her breath, staring at the ivory satin bra cupping generous breasts. She felt like a fifteen year old again, awed with desire and ready to burst at the touch of a hand. She raised her eyes from the tantalizing sight to find ardent eyes locked on hers. So much desire was mirrored in their emerald depths that Terry was overwhelmed. She struggled not to cry as the full impact of this woman's love for her finally sank in.

Stretching out a trembling hand, the younger woman touched her lover's face. Jan closed her eyes and leaned into the caress with a tiny sigh. More than anything, that small sound told Terry how much her partner was affected too, and that knowledge steadied her.

Firmly she unfastened the ivory satin and tugged it away. Taking a long moment to admire the lush flesh presented to her, she unfastened Jan's pants and pulled the woman down, hearing her gasp as their bodies came together.

Enjoying the friction as Jan squirmed against her, Terry ran her hands down the redhead's back and under her pants. Cupping her lover's bottom, she pulled Jan tightly against her as she started slowly rocking upwards.

Small whimpers told Terry that Jan was every bit as aroused as she was. "Let's get these off," she whispered, pushing the redhead's pants down as far as she could. Rolling the smaller woman to the side, she quickly divested her lover of the rest of her clothes.

"God, you're beautiful!" Terry's words were hushed but fervent as she stared at her lover. Jan blushed and turned her head, but Terry cupped her face and gently turned her back. "You are, my love. Never doubt it."

"I'm not 18 anymore, Ter," the older woman said ruefully, glancing down to where Terry's hand ran over the soft curve of her belly.

"I'm glad." Terry's simple truth seemed to reassure her partner, as soft eyes regarded her searchingly.

The younger woman bent and took gentle possession of eager lips. Her earlier urgency had ripened into a need to love Jan without reservation, to fully convey all the pleasure she was taking in this act of consummation. She was determined that Jan would have no doubt how glorious she was in Terry's eyes by the time they finally slept this night.

The tall woman slid over her partner and between legs that willingly parted for her. Slowly, thoroughly, she began to explore her lover, delighting in Jan's quiet moans of pleasure. Working her way over and past soft curves and hardened nipples, she drifted down to the centre of Jan's desire, nosing through dark red curls as her lover's hips surged upwards seeking more.

Humming her own approval, Terry slipped her tongue into the wet heat, thrilled when Jan cried out at the first touch. Bringing her hand into play, she listened as the older woman begged her not to stop. No chance of that!

Steadily she drove her lover higher, her own excitement mounting as Jan panted and writhed under her touch. Feeling the telltale shudders, she increased her pace until Jan called out her name in a litany of pleasure.

Gently extracting herself, she crawled back up the bed and took the still quivering woman in her arms. Rolling onto her back, she held Jan, whispering lovingly into fragrant hair and softly stroking her partner's sweat dampened back.

"Oh God! Oh Terry, that was incredible!" Jan's throaty tones vibrated against Terry's neck and she tightened her arms around the trembling body. "I've never, I mean it was never like this...Terry...wow!"

Terry couldn't help grinning smugly at Jan's uncharacteristic incoherence. She loved this woman's responsiveness and wondered how long it would be until she could do it all over again. Before she could continue that line of thought, Jan raised her head and gave her a brilliantly mischievous grin.

The younger woman loosened her grip as the redhead slid down her side, into the space between her legs and then up Terry's length, dragging forcefully against the tall woman's sensitized flesh. Now it was Terry's turn to groan as Jan stopped to lavish attention on two very demanding nubs. Arching her back as she sought to increase the pressure, Terry felt Jan's laughter against her breasts.

"Eager are we?" she teased, tantalizing the tall woman with flicks of her tongue. "That's the problem with you youngsters. No patience!"

Terry answered by locking her hands behind a red head, trying to pull Jan harder against her, but the older woman resisted, chuckling at Terry's desperation.

Taking Terry's wrists from behind her head, Jan pressed them firmly down to the bed, pinning her in place with a surprisingly strong grasp. Sliding higher, she began to nibble on the younger woman's neck.

The sensory stimulation already had Terry on overload, but when her lover snaked one hand down between them to part her swollen lips and began rhythmically pressing into her, she almost screamed. Frantically she grabbed Jan's bottom with her free hand, trying to increase the delicious pressure, but the older woman returned the impudent limb to its loving imprisonment beside a dark head.

Thrashing, Terry pleaded wordlessly for more but Jan kept the rhythm consistent and the pressure firm. Every nerve in the young woman's body was vibrating with intense arousal. She couldn't remember ever being wired this tightly and she couldn't stop herself from begging for relief.

Suddenly her hands were released, and Jan swiftly descended her body without stopping until she came to rest between Terry's legs. The younger woman almost wept with relief when she felt the caress of a firm tongue where she needed it most and long rapturous moments later, Jan sent her over the edge as sobs of ecstasy filled the room.

The exquisite thrumming still wracked her body, as Terry opened her eyes to find Jan hovering over her, a look of such intense love and caring on her face that Terry was filled with gratitude.

"How did I get so lucky?" Terry whispered, her voice hoarse with emotion.

Soft lips bestowed an answer as Terry savoured the taste of Jan's mouth, redolent with her own essence. With a deep sigh of satisfaction, the older woman sank into Terry's welcoming embrace and the two women snuggled into each other.

Long moments went by before Terry whispered, "Are you all right, sweetheart?"

"Very, very all right, my darling girl," came the soft answer.

"I thought you were new at this," Terry chuckled quietly. "Some beginner! I may have to nominate you for rookie of the year!" She enjoyed the sensation of Jan's giggles shaking their conjoined bodies.

"I read a lot...I mean a lot!" came the teasing response. "You'd be amazed what you can learn from books and the Net."

"Ah, so what you're saying is that you had the theory down cold, and you just needed the practical experience?" Terry delighted in their banter, glad that moving their relationship to the next level hadn't altered the bedrock of their friendship.

"Uh huh," Jan agreed. Tickling Terry's ribs lightly, she added, "Did I mention that you were the perfect guinea pig?"

Terry laughed out loud at that. "Well, anytime you want to put in more lab time, you just let me know," she chuckled, hugging Jan tightly.

There was silence again as they basked in the warmth of their union, until Jan rolled her head back against Terry's shoulder so she could meet dark eyes that regarded her lovingly.

"I feel like I've finally come home," Jan murmured with a contented smile.

Gently, Terry drew Jan's head back down, tucking the beloved face into her neck and reveling in the warm breath on her skin.

"I know exactly what you mean," she said in utter, perfect, simple truth.

The End