Disclaimer: Xena and co are copyrighted characters owned by Ren Pics and Universal. This fan fiction picks up where the last ever episode, 'A Friend In Need', ended. It's a comedy drama, so be prepared for anything.
I'd like to thank the members of the Bards' Village mailing list for reading it first and helping me to knock off the rougher edges. That goes double, or even treble, for Stacia for doing the final proofing.
Gabrielle and Xena (deceased)
By Mark Annetts
Part Seven
The wind whipped mercilessly across the open grassland surrounding the giant stones. Of Dahak's former temple there was no sign, just a pile of large rocks and tumbled masonry forming an erratic ring marking the boundaries of the building that once stood there. Xena sighed as she slowly made her way around the silent rocks.
One or two of the larger stones had what appeared to be the remains of campfires at their bases. 'Typical,' thought Xena 'It doesn't take long for people to forget. Less than thirty years ago this was a temple to an evil god. Now it's just a place for travellers to stop and have a picnic.'
She shook her head, not sure if she was more disappointed or pleased at the lack of any trace of lingering evil.
"Well, Dahak, you son of a bitch, we both may be dead, but at least I'm still here!" she yelled into the wind, punching her fist into the air in defiance. A flash of lightening lit up the dark sky, followed by an ominous roll of thunder.
"Hmm, well maybe it's time to go find Gabrielle," she said softly, as rain started to fall. The feeling of water droplets passing through her made her shiver, not from the cold but from the odd sensations it produced. Concentrating hard she could make most of them splash off her skin, but that only made her feel wet and cranky as her hair started to plaster to her face.
"Ah, screw you Dahok, I hope you're rotting in the lowest depths of hell," she said in disgust as she blinked out, leaving behind a lot of mental baggage she was glad to be rid of.
She reappeared close to the coastal town where they were staying. Getting her bearings she blinked out again and reappeared next to the ship that would take them to Denmark in the morning. Thankfully it wasn't raining here so she could relax the concentration required to maintain any solidity.
Wandering the length of the ship showed it to be empty of any sleeping bards, which was puzzling. She found some of Gabrielle's clothes in an aft cabin, but that was all. "Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have left her on her own!" she growled to herself.
* * *
"Look, if I were a witch don't you think I'd magic my way out of here?" asked Gabrielle.
The jailer turned his doleful face to the angry bard pacing back and forth behind the bars of her cell. "Perhaps it's a trick to fool the judge?" he replied.
"That makes no sense, why would I care what the judge thought if I really was a witch? I could just turn him into a toad, or something."
"Turn him into a toad," repeated the jailer as he wrote it methodically onto a small scroll.
"Arrggggh, this is ridiculous!" ranted Gabrielle, throwing her hands up in the air as she paced.
"Can't leave you for a moment, can I?" said Xena, appearing behind the seated jailer.
"Xena, thank the gods, tell this idiot I am not a witch!"
The man stood up abruptly, spinning around in alarm and pulling a knife from his belt. He chuckled slowly turning back to face the cell. "Very good, Witch, you almost had me going there for a moment."
"Gabrielle, why are you not wearing any underwear?" asked Xena, noticing Gabrielle's lack of clothing. The bard instinctively tugged the hem of her nightshirt down as far as it would go.
"Is it that obvious?" she asked, blushing slightly.
"Only to the trained eye," grinned the warrior.
"I was asleep, these bozos jumped me when I wasn't really awake," she said indignantly, her anger resurfacing.
"It's no good pretending that there's someone here, I can plainly see there isn't," said the man grinning smugly and re-seating himself in front of his small writing table.
"What's the story with Brain of Britannia here?" asked Xena.
"He's supposed to be taking my confession ready for tomorrow's trial."
"Did you do it?"
"Ha ha, very funny."
"I see nothing funny about it, Witch. Tomorrow the judge will find you guilty and sentence you to be burned at the stake."
"Um, barbecued bard, tasty!" said Xena.
"I'm glad this is amusing you."
"It's not my place to find humour in the situation, I'm simply a servant of the law," said the man piously.
"I like this guy, he knows how to have a good time!" said Xena, ruffling his hair slightly. The man jerked at the touch, looking around wildly again.
"Stop this, Witch, I can have you restrained if that's what you wish," he shouted. "I can have you bound, gagged and blindfolded!"
"See, I told you he knew how to have a good time," said Xena, blowing in his ear.
"Stop it, Xena, it'll only make things worse," said Gabrielle, standing at the bars watching her partner.
"He's a jerk," snapped the warrior.
"I know he's a jerk, but he's an official jerk who can make it ten times worse for me, so go easy on the haunting for a moment, will ya?"
"Oh, all right," pouted Xena, who was really quite enjoying herself.
The man scribbled furiously on his scroll, every now and then looking up at Gabrielle and touching his ear.
"I think you spooked him pretty good," whispered the bard.
"Yeah, but you're right. Fun though it is, I can't see it helping much. So, what's the plan?"
"We either bust on out of here and become fugitives, hopefully never coming back, or I face the trial and convince the judge I'm not a witch."
"You can talk your way out of anything, so my dinars are on you."
"You don't have any dinars, Xena, they'd fall through your pockets."
"True," smiled the warrior.
"Quiet!" snapped the jailer.
"I think I'll mosey on over there and reach in and squash his heart and when his spirit rises I'll punch him in the mouth!" grinned Xena evilly.
"Steady, Tiger. I don't think a dead jailer will help my cause much."
"I guess not."
"How about you reach inside and undo the lock?" said Gabrielle keeping her voice low so as not to antagonise the man.
"Want to make a run for it dressed like that?" asked Xena.
"No, not really. How about you go get me some clothes?"
"You think bozo over there will be pleased to see some clothes float past his head and into your cell? Assuming I can even pick them up, of course."
"Mmm, looks like it's the trial then."
"Looks like."
"Know any good defence lawyers?"
"Funny you should say that," said Xena with a twinkle in her eye.
* * *
After several very long hops Xena felt... well, she wasn't really sure what she felt, not being all that positive that ghosts could actually get tired, but if it wasn't tired, it certainly felt suspiciously like it. But her spirit soon lifted at the prospect of being back on home soil.
'Now where could she be?' thought Xena. 'Might as well start at the top and work my way down, I suppose.' She blinked into being inside the great hall of Olympus. The place was deserted, even the mists that carpeted the floor the last time she was there had gone.
"Oh, Athena, where are you now?" she asked out loud to the empty room. There was nothing for her here so she paced down the long corridor that led to the god's private chambers.
Most of them were empty, of course, Xena having killed their occupants, but a few still lingered, and she was hopeful that one in particular was at home. The elaborate gold and pearl doors told her she was probably in the right place. Not pausing to open them she strode through into the inner sanctum.
Aphrodite was being entertained by two large males, both trying their best to outdo each other and keep the goddess amused.
"Terrific, I come all the way here and she's busy living up to her title," grumbled Xena in disgust. She knew shouting would have no effect; the goddess simply could not detect her in her spiritual state. Which proved that even the Olympians had their limits, not that Xena really needed proof of that.
Looking around for something to distract the goddess, or anything to assist in making contact, she could see nothing. Sighing, Xena decided on a more direct route. Concentrating on her hands she pushed one of the large pink urns off its pedestal, making a large satisfying crash as it hit the ground.
Aphrodite casually pushed aside one of the large men lying across her and sat up. "Hey, who's messing with my stuff?" she pouted, standing up and depositing the other man on the floor. They were both big and strong but no match for Olympian strength.
Xena's eyebrows rose at Aphrodite's nakedness and dishevelled hair. Not that the goddess's clothes ever really covered a great deal, but even so, it was still quite a surprising display. The goddess's eyes narrowed. "Is that you, Ares?" she called, looking around for any signs.
Xena quickly pushed another urn off its stand, smashing that one too. The last thing she wanted was for the god of war to show up.
"Hey, quit it, whoever you are!" the goddess demanded, stamping her foot. The two men came to stand behind her, looking somewhat aggravated and not a little frustrated. One of them tried to wrap his arms around the goddess. Without missing a beat the goddess clicked her fingers and the man disappeared and was shocked to find himself standing naked in the middle of a busy town centre, his clothes fluttering down to the ground around him.
"You too," she said clicking her other hand, causing the second man to depart. A third click of her fingers restored her normal attire and hair to its usual immaculate state.
"Okay, now it's just the two of us, show yourself, whoever you are!" demanded the angry goddess.
Xena frantically looked around for some way to show her presence but nothing came to hand. 'Oh, Eli, any moment now she's going to freak and pop off somewhere... think damn it, think!' she urged herself.
"I'm warning you, I can get very nasty when I want," said Aphrodite, rolling up her diaphanous sleeves.
"That I can believe," grinned Xena. "Oh well, I hope this works on a goddess." Holding her breath, not that she needed to, she jumped towards Aphrodite.
Aphrodite's body jerked, her eyes flying open in surprise. "Whoa, that feels really weird," she slurred, stumbling back a few paces and sitting on the ornate chaise longue she'd been recently occupied upon.
"Can you hear me?" said a familiar voice in her head.
"Of course I can hear you... Warrior Babe." Her mouth fell open. "How... why... where... what..?"
"Steady on, Aphrodite. One at a time please."
"You're inside my head... and you're so dead... eeewwww," she grimaced. "I don't like dead things, especially in my head!"
"Believe me, Aphrodite, if there was another way I'd have taken it. Being inside someone else's body is not my idea of fun, well, not in this way anyway. I swore I'd never do it again if I didn't have to."
"You... you've done this before?"
"Yeah, once with Autolycus," Xena admitted with some embarrassment. She didn't mention the more pleasurable experience of being briefly melded with her beloved's body as they battled the insane Velasca together.
"Oh gross, this just gets worse. Now I have to worry about how many people he's been inside too."
"Calm down, it's not like that. All I want to do is talk to you."
"Don't ask me to bring you back because I don't have that kind of power. Especially since some mad, angry bitch went and killed my sister, who could've granted me the power if I asked nicely enough."
"Yeah, well, she should've taken my first offer of leaving us the hell alone," said Xena, her anger rising to match Aphrodite's.
"Wait, wait, wait," moaned the goddess holding her head in her hands. "Arguing with someone inside my own head is really freaking me out. Do you think we can just be nice instead?"
"Works for me," replied Xena, cursing herself for getting off on the wrong foot so easily.
"What is it you want, Xena?"
"Now you know I'd never ask for anything myself."
"Yeah, I never knew a mortal with so much pride and stubbornness," said the goddess, smiling for the first time.
"Gabrielle's in trouble and could really use your help right about now."
"The bard's in trouble!" she shouted. "Well why the heck didn't you say so in the first place?" She stood up, clicking her fingers. Her normal clothes were replaced by a figure-hugging outfit of dark red leather, complete with a sword on each hip and a bandolier of throwing knives across her chest. Her hair was pulled back and covered by a small cap with a peak jutting out over her eyes.
"What do you think?" she asked, turning to look in the full-length mirror and smiling at her reflection.
"Er, very nice, Aphrodite. Though I don't think that's quite what I had in mind."
* * *
"You could at least get me some clothes," shouted Gabrielle as she was marched into the courtroom by two large guards each holding an arm with both hands despite Gabrielle being chained hand and foot.
They pushed her roughly into the a three-sided wooden box called the dock at the side of the courtroom. The public benches were packed, many of the seats being taken by the sailors from the first voyage. She gave them all a false smile that faded into a sneer. As the judge entered the room a fat, sweating man stood up waving his hands to the assembled mass that they should do the same.
"All rise for his lordship, Judge Witchfinder General," he called out.
"What is today's case?" asked the judge from the raised platform as he sat on the large padded chair, dramatically swirling his robe out around him.
"It's the trial and execution of a witch, Milord," replied the man.
"What happened to innocent until proven guilty?" demanded Gabrielle from the dock.
"Does the defendant have counsel, Bailiff?" asked the judge, ignoring the bard's outburst.
"Not that I'm aware, your honour," replied the man.
"Yes, she does," called out a woman as she entered the court from the back of the room. She was dressed in formal clothes, similar to the judge's, and carrying a small briefcase in her left hand. Eyeglasses perched on her nose through which she surveyed the court with imperious disdain.
"And who might you be, Madam?" asked the judge.
"I'm the Bard of Poteidaia's defence council and I am here to see that justice is done." She strode towards the judge's bench, placing some scrolls in front of him. "Here are my credentials."
She turned to Gabrielle and winked.
"Aphrodite!" gasped the bard. "How... where... when--?" she stopped speaking as Aphrodite held her fingers to her lips and shushed her into silence.
"Very impressive," remarked the judge, looking up at Aphrodite. "How does your client plead?"
"Not guilty, your Honour," replied the goddess.
Shouts echoed through the room as the court erupted at the announcement.
"Enough!" thundered the judge, banging a hammer on his desk, bringing instant silence to the room.
Gabrielle tapped Aphrodite on the shoulder and leant forward to whisper in her ear. "Is this Xena's doing?" she asked.
"Who else, Honey, she's right inside me as we speak."
"She is?" squeaked Gabrielle.
"Hiya, Darling," said Xena, popping her head out of the goddesses shoulder, momentarily making her double-headed.
"For Gaia's shake, Xena, don't do that!" said Gabrielle, rearing back from the unexpected sight.
"Did ya miss me?" asked the grinning warrior.
"Only because you never sit still long enough to make a decent target."
"Oh nice, and here I am sharing bodily fluids and other squishy bits to get a goddess here to get you off, and all you can do is be snippy."
"You try staying in a Britannian jail all night with Mr Happy asking you the same dumb questions over and over and see how you feel in the morning."
"I take it you didn't sign anything admitting guilt," asked Aphrodite.
"Do I look like I just arrived on the back of a hayseed cart?"
"So that's a no then?"
"Yes!" ground out Gabrielle through gritted teeth.
"Is that yes you didn't sign anything?"
Gabrielle's shoulders slumped and her head fell forward onto the front of the box. "I'm so dead," she groaned, closing her eyes and shaking her head.
"Would the prosecutor please call the first witness," called out the court bailiff. A shuffling in the public seats brought forth one of the sailors that Gabrielle had tried to talk to on the ship from Greece.
"Do you swear to tell the truth or have your tongue cut out and fed to the crabs?" asked the bailiff.
"I do," the sailor said solemnly.
"In your own words would you tell the court what you saw this witch--"
"Objection!" called Aphrodite, standing up and glowering at the prosecutor. "My client is not a witch until proven otherwise."
"Objection sustained," sighed the judge wearily.
"Er... young woman do, that was unusual on board your ship not less than a week ago," continued the prosecutor.
"I saw her fly, Sir."
"Fly? You mean levitate off the floor and flutter around the ship?"
"Aye, Sir, that about sums it up."
"And did she have a broomstick and a black cat by any chance?"
"I... I'm not sure... "
"Think, Lad, isn't it at all possible?" pressed the man, leaning forward till he was almost in the sailor's face.
"I think so... maybe... yes, now you mention it, I think she did."
"That's total centaur crap!" shouted Gabrielle, standing up and shaking the defendant's box.
"Counsel, would you tell your client to shut her mouth or I'll have it sewn shut! Is that clear," boomed the judge.
"You heard the man, Sweet thing, like keep your cool and chill a little," said Aphrodite. "Let me handle this, okay," she said quietly to the agitated bard.
"That's what I'm afraid of," mumbled Gabrielle.
"No further questions," said the prosecutor, smirking at the two women as he returned to his seat.
Aphrodite removed the spectacles from her nose and took a deep breath. She smiled at the sailor and leaned against the edge of witness box. "Hello, Sailor," she said, batting her eyelashes at him.
"H... hello, Miss," he croaked, tugging at his collar, which had suddenly become much too tight.
"Do you think it's possible that what you saw was my client just doing her exercises?"
"I guess so," he said distantly, lost in the defence counsel's eyes. He'd never seen anything like it; he felt like he was drowning in a sea of love and lust, his brain rapidly shutting down all other conscious thought.
"My client is very... athletic, she can do some... amazing things with that... supple, flexible... taut, young body of hers," Aphrodite cooed.
"Oh yes," the man said dreamily, ready to agree to anything the goddess said.
"Enough!" roared the judge, banging his hammer on the desk. The loud bang broke the spell most of the occupants of the courtroom were under. Aphrodite scowled at the judge.
"What happened? I kind off drifted off there for a moment," asked Xena.
"Oooh, damn him!" cursed the goddess internally.
"What's the matter?"
"I had them all eating out of my hand, then the dryad up there snapped them all out of it."
"How come?"
"How the hell do I know, maybe he prefers sheep, who knows? All that matters is that plan alpha's out the window."
"So what's plan beta?"
"I was hoping you might come in at that point."
"Oh great!"
"Next witness," called the bailiff, as he helped the still-stunned sailor from the witness box. The boy had been on the receiving end of the full force of Aphrodite's charms and was still reeling from the onslaught.
"He was cute," said the goddess. "I wonder what he's doing after the trial?"
"Could you just keep your mind on the job in hand please, Aphrodite," said Xena in exasperation. Though she had to admit that seeing the world through the eyes of the goddess of love certainly made for an interesting experience. The world seemed to be steeped in sensual pleasure, which was most distracting. 'No wonder she acts like an air head a lot of the time,' she thought.
"Hey, Warrior Babe, remember your thoughts are my thoughts."
"Ah, yes, sorry about that, 'Dite," Xena said, genuinely contrite.
"It's okay, Honey, after a while you begin to play the part they expect of you. Next thing you know you are an airhead."
"'Dite, I know better, so don't put yourself down."
The goddess smiled. "Deal."
"Good, now how are we gonna spring your friend and my lover away from this farce?"
Before Aphrodite could respond the prosecutor spoke again. This time to the jailer, now seated in the witness box.
"Last night did the prisoner confess her crime to you?"
The jailer cleared his throat and pulled out his scrolls. "When asked how she intended to escape the judge's justice, the prisoner replied 'I will turn him into a toad'."
"That's a lie!" shouted Gabrielle.
"I won't warn you again, Wit... young lady!" snapped the judge, correcting himself after catching sight of Aphrodite's scowl.
Gabrielle glowered but sat back down, crossing her arms in high dudgeon, which wasn't nearly as dramatic as she'd hoped as the chains on her wrists stopped them halfway, making her curse even more.
Xena popped her head out from Aphrodite's shoulder. "Still think it's not a good idea for 'Dite to simply beam you out of here?" she asked.
Gabrielle waved her away. "We'll win!" she said irritably.
"Okay, you're the boss," replied Xena before disappearing back inside the goddess.
"She okay?" asked Aphrodite.
"I think she's about ready to explode, actually," said Xena.
"How should we tackle the jailer?"
"If it were up to me I'd pull him inside out!"
"I don't think we'll get any truthful answers out of him, and the judge won't let me charm him any," said the goddess. "Er, no questions, your Honour," speaking out loud to the court.
The next witness was called to the stand.
"Would you tell the court what the defendant said to you as she was leaving your vessel," asked the prosecutor. The captain of the ship settled into the witness box.
The man turned to Gabrielle and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said sadly. Turning back he addressed the court. "When I asked the young lady if she was an angel sent by Eli's god, she said she had been an angel and she'd had a big fight with a fierce demon." The courtroom once more erupted in shouts and screams.
"Silence!" thundered the judge, rapping his table several times before order was restored. "Any more outbursts like that and I shall clear the court and throw you all in jail for contempt. Is that clear!" he bellowed.
After a long spell of absolute silence the judge nodded for the prosecutor to continue.
"And what did you say to the defendant?"
Once more he looked sadly across to Gabrielle. "I asked if she beat the demon."
"And her reply?"
"She said... " the old man paused.
"Yes, go on," urged the prosecutor.
"She said no, she married it instead."
A spontaneous gasp burst from the public benches. "She's a demon!" someone shouted from the gallery. "Burn the witch!" shouted another.
Gabrielle looked to Aphrodite, who just shrugged and shook her head, totally lost as to what she should do now.
"HOLD IT!" shouted Gabrielle jumping out of the defendant's box and landing in front of the judge. The shocked room immediately silenced. "I've just about had it with you lot and your mindless, puny, backward, superstitious mentalities," ranted the bard as she slowly paced in front of the court, daring anyone to challenge her.
"What did she say?" asked a man in the front row.
"She says we're thick," answered his neighbour.
"Oh," said the first man.
"Gabrielle do some flips and stuff, show them you can almost fly," urged Aphrodite as the angry bard strode by.
"I'm not wearing any underwear," she said through gritted teeth.
"All the better, they'll love it!" exclaimed the goddess.
"Over my dead body!" ground out the bard.
"How about over your nice crispy body?"
"No, and that's final. No flips, no jumps, no flashes. Got it?"
"Got it."
"Sheesh, your girlfriend can be so stubborn!"
"Tell me about it," replied Xena.
The court held its collective breath, waiting to see what would happen next. These Greeks certainly were a lively bunch. None of them could remember being so entertained.
"The reason I'm not a demon, or a witch is..." she looked to Aphrodite making small hand gestures. "Come on guys, work with me here," she whispered to the goddess as she passed. "Is that I'm..."
The court leaned forward as one, hanging on the bard's every word.
"I am... an angel!" she shouted.
Time seemed to stand still as nothing at all spectacular happened. Everyone stayed stock still, slowly flicking their eyes from person to person, waiting for something to happen.
"Do something, Aphrodite, she's waiting for us!" demanded Xena.
"What, what am I supposed to do?" wailed the goddess.
"Use your gods-be-damned magic and give Gabrielle some wings!"
"Oh... right." The goddess surreptitiously waved her hand. Gabrielle was bathed in a shower of yellow sparkles dissolving her shackles. As they slowly fluttered to the floor and disappeared Gabrielle flexed her back and rotated her shoulders. A large pair of wings unfolded, spreading out almost across the entire width of the courtroom.
The bard was once more dressed as an archangel, complete with weaponry, but with one small exception.
"Pink feathers, Aphrodite?" asked Xena.
"I panicked," replied the goddess. "Eli only knows what Michael will say if he ever hears about this," she gulped.
The entire congregation in the court had fallen to their knees and were bowing to the angel in their midst, including the judge.
"I guess that answers the prosecution's case against my client," said Aphrodite to the kneeling judge.
"Of course, all charges are hereby and irrevocably dropped against Archangel Gabrielle."
Gabrielle smirked at the judge, slowly folding her newly acquired wings. The two women sauntered from the courtroom.
Aphrodite clicked her fingers, removing the wings from the bard's back and restoring her normal clothes and weapons.
"Thanks, 'Dite. Boy, I'd forgotten how heavy those things are."
"And you still lost," grinned Xena, popping her head out of Aphrodite's shoulder.
"I did not, it was a tie."
"Oh really, that's not how I remember it."
"Girls, girls, settle this later. Right now I've got to get back to Greece and you two have got to get to a ship half way to Denmark.
"How will we explain our sudden appearance on the ship? I don't want to have to go through all this again when we get to Denmark," said the bard.
"Don't worry, I'll put a little spell on the crew. They'll think you've been on board since they sailed this morning."
Gabrielle turned to the goddess. "Aphrodite, I can't ever thank you enough for what you've done for me, for us."
"Don't worry about it, Darlin', you know you're still my most favourite mortal. And Xena, before you go, good luck, and tell Sis I look forward to having her home. Tell her maybe we can go hunting together sometime, or something?"
"I'll do that, Aphrodite. You take care too." Xena stepped out of the goddess's body.
"Have fun, Kids, now let's get you two on board your ship. Bon Voyage, as they say in Gaul," said Aphrodite, as she waved both her arms in a dramatic gesture.
The goddess and Gabrielle disappeared in a flash, leaving Xena standing alone.
Xena looked around the empty space where they'd both been.
"Aw nuts!" she said.
Part Eight
"Hello, Captain," said Gabrielle guardedly, as she walked past him on the deck. He touched his cap in passing, barely grunting. 'Well, he didn't want to know what in Tartarus I'm doing on board his ship, so at least that bit worked, Aphrodite,' she thought. Now all she had to do was find an errant spectral warrior.
* * *
"So, Aphrodite can't send me anywhere, unless I'm tucked inside," said Xena to no one in particular. Not that anyone could hear her anyway. She sighed as she paced about. "What now? Do I go back to Olympus and try and find 'Dite, or do I go straight to Denmark and hope I find the right port that Gabrielle's heading for? Damn! Why didn't I find out where the ship was going?" she chided herself.
She looked up and clicked her fingers. "Got it!" she grinned and winked out.
* * *
Gabrielle checked all her belongings were where she'd left them in her cabin. Everything was as it should be. "Guess I should go get something to eat and wait for Xena to appear," she spoke to the empty cabin. Her rumbling stomach agreed.
* * *
The harbour master wrote some details about a recently sailed ship with great deliberation into a large book of bound scrolls. Xena watched over his shoulder as he did so. She frowned; the information she needed about the German vessel was on one of the preceding pages, so busy was the port. She could hardly try and turn the pages over while the man was there writing in the book. All she could do was wait him out.
"Come on, Fatso, move your ass, I wanna see something," Xena grumbled loudly, but she was only letting off steam, he couldn't hear her. "You wouldn't have lasted five minutes as stock controller in my army, Buster!" She paused for a moment. "Whoa, where did that come from? I haven't thought about my army in years." She shook her head, pondering the oddities of memory recall.
The man placed his quill in its holder and slid out from behind the desk. He hefted the large tome closed and snapped a padlock on the cover.
"No, no don't do that!" yelled Xena in alarm, but it was too late. The man was already making for the door. "Oh that's just fantastic!" she moaned, looking at the locked book on the desk. She concentrated on solidifying her hand around the lock and gave it an experimental tug. Previously she wouldn't have given it a second's thought and would have simply ripped the lock from the covers. Now, without her connection to Gabrielle, it took all her efforts to just lift the lock up and feel its weight in her hand.
"Some days I wonder why the hell I woke up," she said. "Which is kinda dumb, really, seeing as I hardly ever go to sleep these days," she continued, sitting down in the chair without even thinking about it.
"Ah well, nothing else for it now, I suppose." As she stood, her hands passed through the chair's arms but she pulled them back and solidified enough to lever herself out of the chair. "How about that, I sat down and didn't fall through. I must be getting better. More of this and I'll be almost back to normal." She stopped at the thought of it. Gabrielle was determined to bring her back as a mortal. Did she really want to give up her newfound powers? Couldn't she and Gabrielle be happy if she remained as a ghost, but a ghost with the ability to get as solid as she needed to? She put aside such thoughts and returned to the job in hand. How to get the book open and turned to the right page.
She passed through the door and looked around, hoping to find the harbour master. She soon spotted him in the distance, entering a tavern. She blinked out and reappeared inside the bar room. He was waiting patiently to be served by a buxom barmaid.
"What'll be, Angus, your usual?" she said, holding a mug beneath the beer tap ready for his expected order. The man gulped and shook slightly, his eyes widening in surprise.
"Er, no, make that a large port, Sweetie." he said.
She frowned at the unexpected change of routine. She started to say something but shrugged, pouring out a large measure of port instead.
"Thank you," he said taking the tankard, gulping its contents down with gusto, grunts of pleasure and much lip smacking. "Gods, I can't tell you how much I needed that," he said with relish. The barmaid just smiled and turned to serve another customer.
"Come on, Angus, let's go read a book," said Xena, relinquishing a little control back to the man.
"Why did you make me do that? I hate port," the man wailed.
"Don't be such a baby, you should be proud you've been taken over by someone famous," said Xena.
"Who... who are you exactly?" said the bewildered man, still not quite in control of his own body, and in an internal conversation with someone who most definitely shouldn't be there.
"My name is Xena. Some folks call me the Warrior Princess," said Xena proudly.
"Never heard of you."
"What?"
"Never heard of you. Now if you don't mind I came here for a quiet drink, not to get taken over by a port-swilling Amazon."
"You've heard of Amazons?" asked Xena in surprise.
"Of course I've heard of Amazons, who hasn't?" he said indignantly.
"So how come you haven't heard of me, I was the Destroyer of Nations!"
"I've heard of her. Nasty bitch who ate kids for breakfast."
"I did no such thing!"
"And she laid waste whole countries from the Eastern Steppes to Egypt and beyond."
"Well, I wasn't quite that bad," said Xena, with more than a little cockiness, pulling the man's face into a wicked grin.
"Didn't you get kicked out of Greece and crucified by the Romans, or something?"
"No, where'd you get all this stuff from?"
"Passing bards. They tell how you grew weak when you fell in love with an Emperor's daughter, a blonde, green-eyed temptress who spurned your advances."
"That's it, I've had enough. We're going to your book right now. I'm giving you back control of your legs, because I'll probably stagger about and get us arrested on drunk and disorderly charges. Once I get the information then I'll leave you in peace. Oh, and if you so much as try to scratch, jiggle, fondle or in any way touch any untoward parts of your anatomy between here and your office I'll make you do the splits, understand me?"
The man gulped, his voice rising to a squeak. "Understood," he managed. "Er, what information is it you want?"
"I want to know where a German vessel, which left here yesterday morning, was heading for."
"Oh, that's easy, the Norselands. Denmark, to be exact."
"Where in Denmark?"
"I believe their first port of call is Esbjerg and then onto Kobenhavn."
"Never heard of either of them. Where are they on the map? And how long will it take them to get there?"
"I'm not sure, I've never been anywhere further than the nearest village where my sister lives. I think, if they don't run into any bad weather, they should be there tomorrow mid-dayish."
"Hmm, okay, Angus, it looks like you're rid of me. One more thing, go easy on the food and drink, you know your wife would prefer the man she married."
Angus staggered slightly, his eyes blinking rapidly as he fell against the bar. "I... I don't feel well," he gurgled before sliding gracefully to the floor in a cold faint.
* * *
Xena reappeared on the north coast of Gaul. Not wanting to test the distance of her jumps only to find herself at the bottom of the Norse Sea she decided to stick to land, apart from the short hop across the channel between Gaul and Britannia. Not that walking the sea floor would necessarily do her any harm, but she just didn't like the thought of it.
A few blinks later she arrived at the north coast of Germania. She could see the start of the land of Denmark to the north. Now all she could do was hop from coastal town to town till she found Esbjerg. It was going to be a long and probably frustrating night.
* * *
The ship docked as expected just before noon. Xena waited patiently by the gangplank as Gabrielle made her way down carrying her bags.
"What took you so long?" Xena asked casually, falling in beside her partner as she made her way across the quayside towards the town.
Gabrielle ignored the question and carried on walking.
"Are you mad at me?"
"Why should I be mad at you? I loved every moment of being on board alone with a bunch of drunken sailors."
"Hey, it's not my fault Aphrodite's magic doesn't work on me."
"So it's Aphrodite's fault?"
"Are you saying it's not?"
"Well, it's certainly not mine!" said Gabrielle through pursed lips.
"I don't believe it!" fumed Xena, who was more than a little cranky having spent the last twelve hours beaming around Denmark trying to find the place.
"I've just spent the last twelve hours swimming the Norse Sea to be at your side after you two left me behind, and you're blaming me for not being with you."
Gabrielle stopped and put down her bags. "Aw, Honey, I'm sorry. C'mere," she said, holding out her hands for a hug.
"That's more of a welcome," grinned Xena rubbing her face in the blonde hair she knew so well as she hugged back with all her heart.
"Did you really swim all the way here?" asked a little voice from somewhere around Xena's chest area.
"Hell no, you think I'm nuts?" grinned the warrior. Gabrielle pulled back and smacked her across the stomach with the back of her hand.
"Good job you've dumped the armour, you big fraud," she said, but her words were softened by the sweet smile she gave her lover.
"You forgive me?" asked Xena, smiling back.
"Of course. I was worried is all."
"Thought I might have run off with 'Dite?"
"The idea did cross my mind, but being stuck on that damned boat meant I couldn't do anything about it."
"Well, we're back together again, and back on course. All we need to do now is find our way to Valhalla."
"Oh, is that all?" asked Gabrielle.
"Yep."
"You've got a plan, haven't you?"
"Yep," said Xena, grinning.
* * *
"Gabrielle! Is that really you?" the voice boomed out across the tavern. A mountain of fur and armour descended on the startled bard.
"Beowulf!" she said, her words muffled by a huge hug from her Viking friend. "It's nice to see you too," she smiled, amused at his extravagant display of friendship.
He pulled back from the hug, but kept hold of her hands. "You look wonderful."
"And so do you. How's Wiglaf?"
"He's fine. He's busy courting some maiden somewhere. Um, where's Xena?" he asked, looking over her shoulder, expecting the warrior to walk through the door at any moment.
Gabrielle's smile dropped. "I have some bad news, Beowulf. Perhaps we should sit first before I tell you of Xena?"
His smile vanished too. "Of course, please sit," he said waving his arm at a table nearby. He called for a couple of mugs of ale to be brought to the table then sat down to face Gabrielle. "What has she got herself into this time?" he asked.
"Xena's dead," she said simply.
A look of pain swept his features and he closed his eyes for a moment, collecting his emotions.
"How can that be? She was as close to a perfect warrior as I've ever seen. She was untouchable, or so I thought," he whispered. "How... how did it happen?"
"We were asked to go east by a monk sent to find Xena, a long, long way east, even farther than Chin, to the land of the rising sun, Japan."
"I have never heard of this place. What is it like?"
"Like nothing you've ever dreamt of. It's a strange land of spirits and ferocious warriors, of sword craftsmanship you wouldn't believe, and of sudden, terrible death. I've never known a place of such beauty and yet such horror." She shivered at the memories.
"It sounds a terrible place."
"No, in many ways it is a wonderful place. I just wish... we'd never gone there."
"Did she die... a warrior's death?" he asked, swallowing hard.
Gabrielle smiled sadly. "Does it matter? She's still dead, no matter how it happened."
"For a warrior such as she, yes, of course it matters."
"Yes," Gabrielle said wearily. "It was a warrior's death. She single-handedly faced a thousand armed men, many of them elite Samurai fighters. Here, this is a Samurai's sword," she said, unbuckling her sword and handing it over to the Viking for inspection. "Be very careful, it is razor sharp its entire length. It will cut through skin and bone like it wasn't there, lesser blades like kindling."
Beowulf extracted the blade with reverence. It was unlike any sword he'd ever handled. Unable to resist the temptation he barely stroked the edge with his thumb then winced as it left a trail of blood in its passing.
"You weren't kidding," he said, sucking his thumb. Gabrielle shook her head and smiled.
"Xena used that sword to cut a swathe through their army. When we found the battlefield it was all over. There were dead bodies as far as the eye could see, she certainly took many of them with her, before they... they cut off her head," she choked out.
"Why, Gabrielle, why did she do it?" he asked, grasping her hand in a firm but gentle grip.
"She wanted to die."
"That doesn't sound like the Xena I know."
"Well, I guess being a warrior catches up with all of us eventually."
"I'm sure it's what she would have wanted."
"Yes it was, she told me so afterwards."
"She... told you so? I'm sorry, I don't understand," he said.
"She came back as a ghost."
"A ghost?"
"Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but you have to believe me, she really has come back. That's why I'm here."
"And why's that?"
"I need one of Odin's golden apples."
"But that won't work, they turn mortals into gods, not spirits into mortals."
"I know that, but I have made a deal with Artemis that if I can get her an apple she will be restored to godhood and she will then combine with Aphrodite to restore Xena. I know the gods are powerful enough to do this, I've seen Ares do it on his own, so Aphrodite and Artemis should be able to do it together."
"But why does Artemis need a golden apple? Did Xena remove her godhood?"
"In a manner of speaking."
"And that would be?"
"She, um, killed her."
Beowulf frowned. "I don't understand, if she's a spirit too, how is an apple going to help?"
"I'm not sure about that, but Xena seems to think it will."
"Xena's here?"
"Yes."
"Where?" he said looking around.
"Not here, here, she's outside with the horse. I said I'd like to see you alone and explain everything without her interrupting me all the time."
"What is it you want of me?"
"We need your help in getting into Valhalla."
His shoulders slumped. "Why was I afraid you were going to say that?"
* * *
"Did you tell him?" asked Xena.
"Not yet," whispered Gabrielle.
"You have to tell him, it's not fair to expect him to go up against his own god and not tell him he's the decoy."
"I thought we'd get on the trail first and then tell him."
"That's sneaky. Besides you only have to bat those pretty green eyes of yours and he'd do whatever you told him to do."
"He's not like that."
"Oh yes he is. First chance he gets I bet he puts a move on you now he thinks you're single again."
" He's not like that. He's like a big brother to me, one I never had."
"Oh, Gabrielle, I do love you but you can still be so naive at times."
"Hah, then how come I'm the one still breathing?" Gabrielle replied.
"Like that, huh? How about I jump in there and find out all his dirty little thoughts as he thinks them."
"No! That's an unwarranted invasion of his privacy. How would you like someone eavesdropping your thoughts as you had them?"
"Been done often enough, just ask a certain god of war."
"That's despicable. You mean Ares can read our thoughts?"
"Of course, most of the more powerful Olympians could. Didn't you know that?"
"No." Gabrielle blushed at the notion. She tried to think back to her encounters with them. "What about Aphrodite?"
"No, not completely. She can only pick up on moods, especially if they're of the romantic kind."
"How do you know all these things? And if you say you're a woman of many skills I will scream."
"Don't need to," Xena replied, grinning.
"And why's that?"
"You said it for me." Before Gabrielle could make a grab for her Xena disappeared.
"Come back here, Princess!" she shouted into the air.
"Gabrielle, please. People are looking at us," Beowulf said, tightening the girth on his horse.
"You can run, but you can't hide!" Gabrielle shouted into the air. She abruptly turned on her heel and jumped up into the saddle of her horse.
"Hey, you've become more athletic since we last met," said Beowulf appreciatively, climbing up onto his horse.
"Yeah, well, it's something to do with a mantle being passed," said Gabrielle cryptically as she spurred her horse into a first canter away from the tavern and towards the mountains and forests of the Norselands.
They had ridden hard for nearly an hour before Gabrielle decided they should have a break and rest the horses. She'd seen Xena popping in and out ahead of them, giving her the thumbs-up that all was peaceable in front of them, before disappearing again on her ghostly scouting.
The horses ambled free in the glade they'd chosen to stop at. Beowulf pulled a flask and some black bread from his saddle, offering some to the bard.
"We would make better progress if we could get the help of a Valkyrie," he said, munching on his food.
"But then Odin would be alerted to our presence. He won't welcome us with open arms. The last time we were here Xena humiliated him in front of visiting deities. I doubt he'll forget that in a hurry," replied Gabrielle.
"So how do you intend to get in there and obtain an apple? I imagine they're well guarded. Something Xena herself recommended, if I remember correctly."
"Well, what we need is some sort of a decoy," Gabrielle said airily
"Let me guess... "
* * *
"Why do gods always have to live up on the top of mountains?" groused Xena. She was standing up but Beowulf and Gabrielle crouched below some boulders, looking up at the imposing mountain.
"They like to look down on people?" said Gabrielle.
"Who do?" asked Beowulf.
"Gods," replied Gabrielle.
"Gods like to look down on people?"
"Yes."
Beowulf frowned. "Why is it that I keep feeling like I'm coming into a conversation halfway through?"
"Because you are, you idiot," said Xena.
"That's not nice, Xena."
"What's not nice Xena?" asked a puzzled Beowulf.
"Forget it," said Gabrielle. "Now, are you set?"
"As I'll ever be," he said mournfully.
"Good man," said Gabrielle, slapping him heartily on the shoulder. She jumped up, using his shoulder as a launch pad, vaulting over the boulders to the next bit of cover. She stealthily made her way up, jumping from outcrop to outcrop, keeping a wary eye out for any movement at the top and for any passing ravens that might be Odin's spies.
By the time she'd reached two-thirds of the way up she was panting for breath.
"You're getting old," Xena grinned.
"Yeah, well, you're not. Who's the loser between us?"
"Race you to the top."
"Only if you don't use your ghostly skills."
"Suppose you'd want me to crouch too?"
"Wouldn't be fair if you didn't."
They made a quick set of leaps and flips, getting closer and closer to the peak.
"I do love to see you work, Gabrielle."
"Uh-huh," said Gabrielle, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"Pity there isn't anyone up there to see this wonderful display of skill you're putting on."
Gabrielle turned to Xena. "What do you mean there isn't anyone up there?"
"Just been up there, they're all in the main hall. Seems they don't expect visitors."
Gabrielle stood up, hands on hips. "You mean you've let me work my butt off jumping up this mountain when I could have just climbed it as normal?"
"Yeah, pretty much. Though it surely is a cute butt, and the practice has done you some good. You can never have enough pract--"
She didn't finish her sentence but turned and ran instead, laughing uproariously as Gabrielle tore up the mountain path after her.
Near the top Xena held up her arm and crouched down. Gabrielle immediately followed suit. She crawled over to Xena, stationary behind the last boulder leading to the keep of Odin's castle.
"What is it?" whispered the bard, peering over the rock.
Xena spoke softly. "Wait here while I go check it out."
"That's not what we planned."
"I know, but I have a feeling we're being watched."
"By whom?"
"Don't know, but something's not right."
"Okay, but don't be long."
"I won't," Xena said, walking towards the huge door. She passed through and out of sight.
"So, Xena's back," said a familiar voice behind Gabrielle. She spun round, chakram in hand.
"Ares! What the hell are you doing here?"
Part Nine
The corridor leading to the main hall was empty save for a couple of large dogs, who rose from where they lay, eyeing the warrior princess warily. Xena strode confidently forward, ignoring them. One of the animals sniffed at her legs as she walked by, giving a small, throaty growl.
"Relax, Guys, you know I'm no threat to you or your master."
The other dog settled back down and yawned, turning its attention back to the main door. The more inquisitive of the two matched Xena's stride and trotted along beside her till they reached the main hall.
"Okay, Prince, shoo, go back to your partner and watch the door, there's a good boy."
The hound looked at her for a moment, still unsure about this new, unfamiliar presence, but seemed to accept her authority and returned to its post, giving Xena a couple of backward glances as it went.
She shook her head at the stubborn animal and passed through the door into the main chamber. Odin and several Valkyrie were seated at the head table, enjoying a large meal. Xena waved her hand in front of the god who ignored it. Satisfied she was still undetectable, she passed on into the castle's private apartments.
One of the many rooms had two more Valkyrie standing guard outside its door, their weapons drawn.
"I see he's improved security a little since last I was here," Xena smirked. "Didn't count on a ghost though, did'ya?" She passed the guards and into the room. A wall of metal bars blocked the way but she passed through those as well. "Should've got ol' Hephy to make you some, they might have done the trick. Oops, sorry, I killed him, so ya can't!"
After another large metal door the room led out into a small courtyard. The floor was made of cobblestones, save for a small ring of earth in the middle. Growing in the circle of dirt was a small, gnarled, but surprisingly bushy tree that only came up to Xena's shoulders. The tree was heavy with golden fruit, dozens of the sacred apples hanging from its small branches.
Concentrating hard, she hefted one of the apples in her hand. The weight felt familiar from the last time she'd helped herself.
"Here goes nothing," she said, snapping the fruit from its branch and raising it to her mouth.
* * *
"What am I doing here, Gabrielle? I could ask the same of you, but then I don't have to, I've seen what your plan is," grinned Ares, as he slowly circled the angry bard.
"Don't play games, Ares, tell me what you want so I can tell you where to get off and then we can all be on our way," said Gabrielle, keeping the chakram between herself and the circling god.
"So, Xena passed on her favourite toy, did she?"
"I get lucky with it from time to time."
"I gave it to her, you know."
"Yes, I know, I was there, remember?"
"Oh, I don't mean that time, I mean in the first place. When she and I were... much closer."
"I don't want to know about your sordid past, Ares, really I don't."
"Ah well, another day, perhaps. Now, down to business." As he spoke his hand shot out and attempted to wrest the chakram from Gabrielle's grasp. Just as his fingers closed over the outer rim the bard flicked her wrist in a deceptively casual manner and stepped away from the startled god.
"That wasn't very nice, Gabrielle," he said, holding up his hand, now minus the three fingers that lay scattered on the ground at their feet. He shook his head, tutting as his missing digits regrew. He flexed the new fingers as he regarded the grinning bard. He sucked his lips and tilted his head to one side. "Anyone'd think I wasn't welcome."
"Funny, that."
"Gabrielle, I'm hurt. After all we've been through together."
The bard snorted. "Yeah, right."
"How do you know I'm not here to help my second favourite mortal get her lover, and my favourite mortal, I might add, back together?"
"The day you help us without asking a terrible price will be the first."
"This just might be that day," he said grinning, as he disappeared in a flash of blue.
Gabrielle dropped her chakram back on its belt clip and sighed. "Why can't anything ever go according to plan?" she groaned quietly to herself as she slumped down against the rock and waited for Xena to return.
* * *
"I'm assuming you're here, Xena," Ares said, as he plucked an apple from the tree and began enthusiastically eating it. He closed his eyes and moaned in pleasure as his whole body glowed with godly power. "Hmmm, I gotta tell ya, these are soooo gooood."
He picked up an apple from the floor. It had one bite out of it. "Waste not, want not," he said as he bit into the fruit. "I'm guessing that this little bit went straight through." He kicked a small chunk of apple that was lying at his feet. "Not quite what we hoped for, huh?" He grinned and bit into the apple again.
"Damn you to Tartarus!" Xena shouted from the other side of the tree. He was right, the bite of apple had simply fallen to the floor after she'd given up trying to keep it inside her phantom stomach.
"Could have saved you the bother of this, if you'd come to me in the first place," he said. "Luckily for you I've got another plan."
"Yeah, and I've got another plan myself. It involves jamming that apple down your stupid throat and watching you turn purple! How's that for a plan?" she shouted, her fists clenching in anger and frustration.
"These'll do," said Ares, plucking another couple of large fruit from the tree. "Hey, what do you think?" he said, holding the two golden apples up to his chest. "Mother earth," he said, laughing at his own joke, before disappearing in a flash of blue light.
* * *
Xena flashed through the door at a flat run, heading back to Gabrielle, certain that Ares would have done something to her. She found the bard slumped disconsolately against the rock where she left her.
"What's the matter?" she asked, squatting down beside her love.
"You're not gonna like it," Gabrielle said.
"If you mean Ares, then I already know he's here."
"You do?"
"Yeah, he was in the tree chamber. Helped himself to some apples then left."
"Did... you...?"
"Yeah, no go. Pretty much what we thought it would be. It just wouldn't take."
"So now we have to get me in there and get some apples."
"It won't be easy, there's guard dogs, Valkyries, big steel doors and bars, not to mention a very protective and sullen god to deal with."
"You sure know how to cheer a gal up when she's feeling down, Xena."
"Ah, c'mon Gabrielle, it's a walk in the park for someone with your abilities."
Gabrielle stood up "Okay, let's do it." She stepped to the edge and waved down to Beowulf to start his part of the plan.
"Think he can attract Odin's attention long enough?" asked Xena
Gabrielle was about to answer when Ares shimmered into being next to them.
"Slight change of plan, ladies. Oh, hi, Xena," he said turning to where Xena stood.
"You can see me now?" she asked, surprised.
"Not quite, but I can read the bard's mind and she can, so it's as good as."
"Hey, cut that out, Ares!" Gabrielle said indignantly. "That's my head you're messing with."
"That's not very charitable for someone who's going to do this," he said, holding up one of the golden apples in the palm of his hand. He pointed it at Gabrielle and blew. The apple exploded into a million stars that raced into the bard's body. She closed her eyes tight shut, her head rolling back as she gasped and shuddered.
"Damn you, Ares, what have you done?" shouted Xena, rushing to help her staggering partner.
"You'll have to speak up, Xena, I'm losing you in all the static," he grinned.
Xena carefully dropped Gabrielle to the ground, the bard's body pulsing with glowing energy that even Xena could feel skittering up and down her skin where she touched her.
"X... Xena... I feel kind of funny," croaked Gabrielle, slowly opening her eyes and looking up at her worried partner. "You look... pretty weird," she giggled.
"If I didn't know better I'd say you've been on the henbane again," smiled Xena, stroking the blonde hair from Gabrielle's eyes.
"Everything looks like it's got a little shiny glow of rainbows around it. It's pretty," she grinned happily.
"It's all right, Xena, she's just not used to her new powers. In a few moments she'll settle down and start acting normally again. Well, as normally as she ever does, that is."
The air next to them wavered and shimmered as Odin materialised. "What is this?" he roared.
"Nothing to get worked up about, old man," smiled Ares, as he casually took another bite of an apple.
Odin ignored the god of war and leant over the prone body of Gabrielle, blissfully staring up at the sky. "I know you. You're Xena's side kick." He spun round, quickly surveying the land around them. "Where is she?" he shouted.
"Where's who?" asked Ares, taking another bite.
"That Greek bitch who likes to steal my apples!" he roared.
"Sorry, can't help you there. No idea where she is, till sleeping beauty here comes out of her trance."
"She's done it again, hasn't she?" growled Odin.
"Done what, Pops?"
"Making her friends gods!"
"Don't know what you're talking about. But if you mean these," Ares said, disappearing momentarily then reappearing a second later holding up an apple. "Then, no, it wasn't her, it was me." He grinned and waggled his eyebrows, daring Odin to do anything about it.
The castle gate opened and several Valkyries burst forth, spreading out and around the small group.
"My Lord, are you all right?" asked one of them.
"Yes, yes, I'm fine," Odin snapped.
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat about godly things, an' all, but me and the bard have got an appointment with a dead sister of mine."
"No, wait!" shouted Xena, but it was too late, Ares waved his arm and he and Gabrielle disappeared in a blue flash.
"Oh crap! This is getting old," moaned Xena, still on her knees next to where the bard had been lying.
"My Lord, there's someone down at the foot of the mountain acting oddly," said one of the Valkyrie, peering over the edge.
"What now?" sighed Odin.
"Isn't that Beowulf, my Lord?"
"Yes, I think you're right," he said dolefully.
"Why is he shouting and dancing around, banging that drum? And why has he started all those fires?" she asked, frowning.
"How do I know!"
"But... you're Odin, Sire, King of the Gods."
"Hmmm," he sighed.
"Er, shall I slay him, or send him on his way?" she asked.
"No, leave him. At least he seems to be enjoying himself," he said glumly as he turned and made his way back to the castle.
The last of the Valkyrie pulled the castle door closed with a resounding thud, leaving the small plateau once more in tranquillity, broken only by the faint sounds of shouts and drum banging wafting up gently from below.
"I'm getting a little sick of this!" shouted Xena to no one in particular. She looked down over the edge at Beowulf, now finally quietened and sitting down on the ground by one of the many fires he'd lit, fanning himself with a scroll. "Well, that all went swimmingly, I must say!"
She shook her head and disappeared.
* * *
"Where are we?" asked a groggy bard.
"You don't recognise the place?" asked Ares, tossing a golden apple up and down in his hand.
"It looks like the Amazon Land of the Dead. Why am I here?"
"We've come to resurrect a god. One that you had a hand in killing."
"Artemis?"
"The one and only."
"Why... would you want to bring back one of your sisters, one that you didn't get on with all that much?"
"Who said that?" he barked.
Gabrielle shrugged. "Aphrodite, of course. She loves to gossip, you know that."
Ares smiled and relaxed. "Yeah, I guess she does. What else has she told you about me?"
"Nothing you'd be interested in."
"Try me."
"No."
Ares snarled but let it go. His broad smile returned. "Hey, there's not a lot here to damage. Want me to teach you how to throw a fire ball?"
"And how would you do that? And where's Xena?" she asked, finally waking up to her surrounding.
"You mean you can't see her anymore? I'm sure I tried to bring her with us, but it's a bit difficult when you can't see or feel her."
"She's obviously not here," said Gabrielle, looking all around them.
"I wouldn't be too sure about that. It might be a side effect of eating one of the apples."
"But I didn't eat any apples," said Gabrielle, frowning.
Ares coughed. "Er, well, that's technically true. I sort of speeded up the process a little."
"What did you do?"
"I shot it straight into your body as a million tiny bits. It sort of knocked you for a loop."
"Does that mean...?"
"Yup, welcome to the club, Gabrielle, you're now officially a god."
"But that's not possible."
"'Fraid so."
Gabrielle rubbed her face and took a deep breath. "Is that why I can't see Xena anymore?"
Ares shrugged. "Maybe, I'm not sure."
"I thought you were all supposed to be omniscient."
"Nah, that's just something we like to put out, but it ain't true. Never was, not even Zeus."
"Wait, wait, wait, this is all... so unexpected."
"Yeah, but kinda cool though, huh?" he said, grinning. "Watch." He drew back his hand forming a blue ball of energy in his hand. "See that dead old tree over there?" She nodded. He threw his hand forward, sending the fireball smashing into the crumbling trunk at impossible speeds, shattering it to splinters. "Pretty neat, huh?"
"I've seen you do it before, you know. In fact I've had various gods do it to me, so I'm not that impressed, really."
"Wait till you try it for yourself, it's a little addictive, let me tell ya!"
Gabrielle pursed her lips in concentration.
"Just imagine the energy in your hand and it will be there," he coached. She drew back her hand slowly. Her eyebrows rose in surprise as a small white fireball formed, floating in her hand. She yelped and dropped it on the floor where it fizzled and spat, melting its way into the dark sand.
"Aw, shoot!" Ares spun round and stamped in anguish.
"What's the matter? I panicked, that's all, I can do it again, I'm sure."
"That's not the point," he said through gritted teeth.
"Then what's wrong?"
"Your fireball was white!" he said, as if that explained everything.
"So?"
"You don't understand."
"You're right there."
"White is the most powerful. Only Zeus had it before," he said dragging his fingers through his hair in frustration.
"So that's good, then?"
"No, that's bad, then," he mimicked.
"Why?"
"Why?" he stamped back and forth a few times. "Why, she says. I'll tell you why, Little Girl, because now you're the most powerful god on the planet, that's why!" he shouted, his anger getting the better of him. "Oh, I just knew this was a bad idea. Why me?" he groaned, falling to his knees in the sand.
"Does this mean I have the power of life and death?"
"Probably," he grunted.
"So I can bring Xena back?" she asked with mounting glee.
"Yeah, in the fullness of time."
"What do you mean in the fullness of time?" asked Gabrielle, suddenly suspicious.
"It took Zeus thousands of years to master all his skills. I know you're a quick learner, but I wouldn't hold your breath on bringing the warrior princess back any time soon. Maybe in a couple of centuries or so."
"I can't wait that long!"
"Why? You're immortal now, and as far as I know, so is Xena. You two've got all the time in the world."
"I want our time back, nothing more."
"Time's nothing to be afraid of, Gabrielle. It's just nature's way of making sure everything doesn't happen all at once."
"But I want Xena back now! And what's more I don't want to be a god anymore, I never did!"
Ares looked up and smiled. "Funny you should say that, Gabrielle."
* * *
"Not again," sighed Xena. Aphrodite was busy entertaining a couple of men in her room. "Doesn't she ever give it a rest?" She slipped back out into the hall outside the goddess of love's room in Olympus. "She can go on like this for days," she groaned. "I've got to get her out of there!"
She turned and went back into the room, advancing on the reclining goddess and trying to look the other way from what was going on.
"Oh, Gabrielle, forgive me," she muttered, as she jumped into the goddess's body again.
"Xena, for the love of Zeus would you give me some warning before you do that?" shrieked the surprised goddess.
"I'd love to, if I knew how, but you've carefully removed all the vases."
"Well, I like those vases. They have sentimental value."
"Erm, Aphrodite, do you think we, er, might..."
"What?"
"Lose the company, it's sort of... distracting."
"Oh, sure thing, Babe, guess I hardly even notice it these days."
"Better not tell them that, it might hurt their feelings."
"Ah, screw 'em," she said clicking her fingers and making the men disappear.
"Phew, that's... better," said Xena, shrugging the goddess' shoulders in relief.
"Don't worry, Xena, the bard need never know, your secret's safe with me."
"What, it's not like I was doing anything," said Xena, indignantly.
"Whatever you say, Babe. Now, tell Auntie Aphrodite what your problem is."
* * *
"You were right, Ephiny, it is beautiful in here. I had no idea."
"No mortals do, or ever will. Trust you to become a god, Gabrielle," said her former regent, shaking her head in wonder. "Of all the people who deserved to be made a god, I can't think of anyone better than you."
"It wasn't my idea. All Xena and I planned to do was bring an apple back for Artemis and hope that she and Aphrodite could act together to bring back Xena. I never intended any of this," she said, sweeping her hand through the air, leaving a trail of flickering light from her fingertips.
"How were you going to give the apple to Artemis?"
"We had hoped that here in the Eternity Artemis could consume the apple. We figured that Xena wouldn't be able to directly eat one herself, so that left getting the gods to help."
"And Ares? I thought you were trying to avoid him."
"We were, he just turned up outside Odin's place and screwed everything up."
"Where is he now?"
"Waiting outside. Arte wouldn't make an exception even for him," Gabrielle grinned.
"I can just see the look on his face now, not being allowed in."
"Are you sure this is the best way?"
"No, not really, but I don't think I can wait till I learn how to bring her back on my own. I want her back now."
"Is Artemis okay with this?"
"What do you think?"
"Yeah, silly question."
"Thank you, Ephiny, for everything. I just needed to see you one more time while I still could."
"Your place here is assured, my friend. One day we will walk these paths again," she smiled as a tear slowly rolled down her cheek. She pulled the bard into a fierce embrace. "Take care, Gabrielle. And give my regards to the big lug when you get her back, as I know you will."
"Goodbye, Eph. Give my regards to all the sisters. I think of them often." She tightened her hug on the Amazon for a second before releasing her. She touched her hand to her lips then touched them to Ephiny's. She blinked out in a shimmer of white sparkles, reappearing next to Artemis and Ares, waiting outside the entrance to Eternity.
"You've learned quickly," said Ares, with admiration.
"Let's do this before I change my mind and get hooked," said Gabrielle.
"I'm ready," said Artemis. The two women clasped each other in a loose embrace. "I won't ever forget your sacrifice, Gabrielle," whispered the former moon goddess.
Gabrielle concentrated and imagined all her godly energy coming together in one giant fireball. A globe of expanding white light formed between the two women, rapidly engulfing them both. Ares had to turn away, so bright was the light. Gabrielle shuddered as the godly energy coursed through her and on into Artemis. The moon goddess let out a strangled grunt as the enormous energy centred inside her body, rushing inward, collapsing the ball of light with a crackle of spent power.
The bard collapsed into the goddess's arms. "It is done, I am returned!" said Artemis in triumph. She touched her hand to Gabrielle's forehead, instantly reviving her.
"Did it work, am I mortal again?" Gabrielle asked, still a bit shaky on her legs. Artemis flexed her hand, examining it closely. "Let's see, shall we?" she said, grinning like a child on Solstice morning. She flicked her hand at the floor where Ares stood, shooting several miniature fireballs at his feet. He danced around avoiding them. "Whoa, time out!" he shouted, hopping from foot to foot.
"I still don't see Xena anywhere," said Gabrielle anxiously looking all around the group. "I don't think she's here. She must still be back with Odin. Aphrodite couldn't send her anywhere either."
"Did someone call our names?" said Aphrodite, appearing in a shower of yellow sparkles.
Xena leapt out of the goddess's body and picked up Gabrielle, spinning her around in a great big hug. "Gods, I've missed you!" she whispered in the bard's ear.
"I think the star guest has just shown up. Ladies, shall we?" asked Ares of his two sisters. The three gods linked their right hands together, closing their eyes and concentrating. A humming noise resonated from the three clenched fists. Xena blinked as a force gripped her, holding her rigid.
"Xena!" cried Gabrielle. "What's wrong?"
"Not... sure," she said. "Can't... move."
"Stop it, you're hurting her!" shouted the bard, rounding on the three gods. Artemis opened her eyes and blinked. She smiled at her chosen.
"Being born is always painful, Little One, have faith." She closed her eyes again and the throbbing hum increased in volume and pitch.
Xena rose off the ground, her body rigid and trembling. Slowly her outline began to appear as her body coalesced before their eyes. Layer upon layer of tissue and bone formed and grew together, muscles appeared as blood flowed in newly forming veins and arteries. Skin slid over the slick flesh as the perfect body of the warrior princess appeared in all its glory before them. Finally a thick head of long-flowing jet black hair formed around her head and cascaded over her shoulders and down her back.
It was one of the most beautiful sights Gabrielle had ever seen and she burst into tears as the gods dropped their hands, sighing in relief that it was done. Xena dropped to the ground with a soft thud, naked and gasping for breath.
"Am... am I really... back?" she panted. Gabrielle sank to her knees in the sand next to the fallen warrior and hugged her, unable to speak.
They held each other tight, each sobbing onto the other's shoulder, raw emotion robbing them of the power of speech.
"Damn, it sure was easier with Zeus and Athena around," grunted Ares, still panting from the exertion. Aphrodite conjured up a set of clothes a little shakily for Xena and placed them by her side.
Artemis sagged to the ground, sitting back on her ankles. "We must find Athena and bring her back."
"Do we have to?" whined Ares.
"I think she's pretty happy where she is with Ilainus," said Aphrodite.
"Aw shoot. This is what you get for being nice," said Ares with a huff.
"Brother, nice and you just don't mix. Why exactly did you do this?" asked Artemis.
Ares took on a sneaky grin of satisfaction. "Well, sis, I knew we needed three gods to do this, and I really wanted Xena back."
"Hasn't she suffered enough from your meddling?" sighed Aphrodite.
"No, you don't understand. We have a contract that one day I'll collect on. Dead was okay, alive is better, but eternal spirit, that's a no-no."
"Yeah, right, Bro, whatever you say," snorted Aphrodite, knowing the real reason for Ares' obsession.
The two soulmates ignored the gods and their prattling.
"Let's..." Xena panted between sobs "not go to Japan ever again."
Gabrielle burst into another flood of tears, this time mixed with giggles. "No, let's just go home and raise a family."
"Sounds like a plan," said Xena.
So they did.
Or at least they tried.
The End...well...