Chapter Thirty-one

The main overhead lights were out, the rescue teams had not yet rigged the portable arc lights, and the only illumination came from the safety lights at ground level which were working sporadically at best --entire sections were nonfunctional, casting the underground highway in patches of murky yellow and foreboding shadow. Fortunately, the air was still breathable despite the noxious smoke pouring from around the overturned truck. Firemen were already hosing it down with flame retardant foam as Jude and Mel skirted the throng of workers at the entrance.

"Follow these guys," Jude shouted above the din, pointing to emergency medical personnel identifiable by their tackle boxes of medical equipment who were inching their way past the rubble at the mouth of the tunnel to reach the stranded motorists deeper inside.

Climbing over bits of concrete and debris from the wreckage, the two of them emerged on the other side of the tanker and got their first view of the real scope of the disaster. Cars were piled up as far as they could see, several overturned and burning, and the first rescue workers on the scene were rushing from vehicle to vehicle trying to assess the status of the occupants. Victims were sitting or lying beside many of the wrecks, some being attended to by paramedics while others waited, confused and disoriented, for someone to lead them out. Here and there EMTs were starting IVs and intubating the more seriously injured.

"Do you see Sax?" Jude asked urgently. The faces of many of the rescue workers were already smudged with smoke and grime and in the murky light that flickered and flared as electrical circuits burnt out and small fires began, everyone had the eerie appearance of figures in a waking dream. Until she was right up next to someone, she couldn't even be certain if they were male or female. Most of the emergency workers were garbed in some form of hospital apparel and only the firemen in their heavy asbestos coats were easily recognizable. "Do you see anyone from St. Michael's?"

"No," Mel replied grimly, trying not to think about the extent of the carnage. "Let's just keep going and see how far this goes. They must be somewhere close by. Eventually we've got to run into them."

"Look at the ground," Jude remarked hollowly, trying not to let her fear show. There was six inches of water in the tunnel. There were tons of rock and water above their heads, and she wondered how long the damaged infrastructure could sustain the tremendous pressure without flooding or collapsing completely. She glanced ahead and could see only darkness beyond the first thirty feet. Every instinct in her body screamed for her to leave. She craved daylight and fresh air with an exigency that bordered on frantic. She bit her lip, desperately trying to stave off the wave of dizziness and surge of nausea that threatened to bring her to her knees. She tasted her own blood.

"What do you think?" Mel asked, staring at the water slowly eddying around her boots. "Turn back or look for them?"

"Keep going."

Jude reached into one of the cargo pockets of her vest and found her halogen flashlight, switching it on to supplement the progressively poorer light. As they passed the wreckage of the deadly early morning commute, she spied a few motionless forms inside crushed vehicles, lying in the awkward poses that could only be obtained in death. Fortunately, most of the victims she saw appeared to be alive, although many were not ambulatory. The fact that the rush-hour congestion had already begun by the time that the accident occurred meant that traffic had been moving fairly slowly. She prayed that would mean fewer mortalities despite the large number of apparent injured.

"Over there," Mel exclaimed, pointing in the direction of several demolished vehicles headed north in the southbound lane. "Isn't that Nancy?"

Jude followed the direction of Mel's arm, squinting into the gloom, and felt a surge of relief as she recognized the head trauma nurse. "Yes! Sax must be with her."

She didn't wait for Mel's reply, but hurried as quickly as she could between the jumble of vehicles toward the team from St. Michael's. As she drew near, she could see Sax leaning through the door of a capsized four-wheel-drive vehicle. Jude's heart jumped, and her first instinct was to run to her. What she wanted to do was touch her, just touch her, and feel the solid certainty of her body. Instead, she forced herself to slow down, took a deep breath, and said, "Just keep the focus on Sinclair, Mel. She'll be recognizable to every viewer. We can't get anything better than this."

Moving carefully around open instrument packs and tackle boxes filled with drugs, Jude edged closer to the car until she was nearly touching Sax's shoulder. A man, apparently the driver, was trapped by the collapsed steering column.

"Nancy, get another flashlight in here will you," Sax said tersely without looking around. "I need to tie off this bleeder and I can't see a damn thing."

"I've got one right here, Nancy," Jude said, holding hers aloft and pointing it into the interior of the front seat. The car was on its side, and the bucket seats were angled nearly perpendicular to the ground. The unconscious middle-aged man was suspended in midair by a spear of metal penetrating his shoulder.

Sax glanced up quickly at the sound of Jude's voice. "It's treacherous down here. I'd be happier if you were doing your thing outside somewhere."

"Ditto," Jude replied. "But here we are. Can I do anything besides hold this light?"

"You think you can pass instruments to me? That'll free Nancy up to check other victims," Sax said, turning her attention back to the deep gaping gash in the man's upper arm. "Seeing as you're staying and all."

"I can manage. If I don't know what it is, just describe it to me." Jude allowed herself one brief caress along Sax's shoulder. "And I missed you, too."

"All right, Ms. Castle," Sax replied, registering the touch and smiling to herself. "You're hired. Hand me a hemostat."

Melissa got as close as she could and for the next eight minutes she documented some of the most exciting footage she had ever shot. Sinclair worked without a single break in her concentration or the slightest hesitation in the swift, smooth rhythm of her hands as she clamped and sutured and tied, controlling the bleeding and dis-impaling the motorist so that the paramedics could lift him out onto a backboard.

"Okay," Sax said with a sigh, resting back on her heels as her patient was taken away. She wiped her forehead with her bare arm, managing only to smear the sweat, smoke, and blood splatters around. Glancing at Jude, she smiled dolefully. "A success, I hope. Let's pack up this gear and keep going. Nancy will be triaging so keep an eye out for her. If there's anyone that needs acute surgical attention, she'll call for me. Otherwise, we'll just direct the paramedics to the ones that need to be evacuated first."

"Understood," Jude replied, hastily rearranging supplies in the drug box.

Thirty minutes later they were nearly at the end of the line of involved vehicles. Rescue workers were approaching from the New Jersey side of the tunnel, although several vehicles burning out of control at that end had hindered their progress. Others worked steadily behind them, transporting the injured to safety as quickly as possible. It seemed to Jude that the water level had risen several inches.

"Looks like most everyone is out," Sax said, watching as the EMTs moved a woman with a fractured leg onto a stretcher.

"Things don't look too stable down here," Jude observed. "I think we should consider getting out ourselves."

"I think you're right. Let's turn around and check all the vehicles on our way back to the Manhattan end."

They had nearly reached the beginning of the pileup, just behind the tanker, when they ran into Deb coming in.

"The structural engineers are afraid part of the ceiling is going to give way," Deb shouted when she saw the three of them approaching. "We're double-checking to make sure all the injured are clear."

"All clear back there," Sax said with a jerk of her head indicating the area they had just come from. "Who's running the show outside?"

"Kirkland showed up," Deb said, indicating one of the attending surgeons from Sax's department. "I just left long enough to do this final canvas."

She didn't mention that she had gone in against the orders of the police because she knew that the three of them were still inside. "Let's get..."

A low rumbling that rapidly built to a roar drowned out her words. The ground beneath them seemed to lift and undulate as if shaken by some giant hand. The four of them struggled to keep their footing as bits of concrete and tile began to rain down on them.

"This section is going to collapse," Sax shouted, grabbing Jude and Mel by the shoulders and pushing them in Deb's direction. "Run!"

The four of them and the few remaining paramedics still in the tunnel began to sprint toward daylight, a distance of fifty yards that seemed like fifteen miles as debris began falling faster. Even Melissa finally gave up filming and simply cradled her camera against her chest. She put her head down and ran. One by one they vaulted over the final barrier of twisted metal and chunks of concrete, while behind them clouds of pulverized stone bore down upon them. Jude had just cleared the tunnel mouth when she realized that Sax was no longer by her side. Barely able to see through the billowing dust, she reached out and caught Mel's sleeve.

"Did Sax pass you?" she screamed over the roar of destruction rapidly closing upon them.

"No! She's right behind..." Mel yelled back, looking over Jude's shoulder, her expression one of dawning horror. "Oh god. She's still in there."

Jude turned and ran back down into the darkness. "Go back," she screamed as Mel caught up to her.

"No way."

"There!" Jude exclaimed, pointing to a swatch of blue next to the overturned truck, just barely visible under a powdering of stone and ash.

Sax was lying face down, a trickle of blood streaming down her neck. A three-inch gash on the back of her head bubbled with blood, bone visible at the base. Jude fell to her knees next to her, unmindful of the shards of glass and metal and jagged rock that tore holes in her jeans. Tentatively, she reached toward her. She was afraid to touch her. She had no idea what death felt like and she was afraid that she might find out. Her fingers hovered just above Sax's shoulder, the shoulder she had caressed not long before. This can't be. She isn't supposed to get hurt. She's the one that makes everything else all right.

"Can we move her?" Melissa yelled, her fear making her voice shrill.

"I don't know," Jude said harshly.

"We've got to," Mel said urgently, watching huge slabs of concrete slide from the walls onto the roadbed. "We don't have any time."

Suddenly, Deb's voice instructed calmly, "Let me in there, Jude." As she slid her fingers under Sax's jaw, checking for a pulse, she said, "It's a good thing I saw you two lunatics running back this way." After a few seconds she raised her head and met Jude's gaze. "She's alive."

"She's not moving. Her head..." Jude's voice was rising rapidly, and she felt things begin to break apart inside. She clenched her fists so tightly that the nails dug into her skin. "Deb... what about her neck..."

"I know, Jude. But we have to get her out of here. I'll stabilize her neck and shoulders if you two can lift her body. Can you do that?"

"Yes. Yes, of course."

Together, they maneuvered the trauma surgeon's unresponsive body clear of the tunnel and onto a stretcher. The three of them piled into the back of an ambulance, Deb quickly beginning the routine resuscitation maneuvers. As she wrapped a tourniquet around Sax's upper arm, she yelled to the driver, "St. Michael's. And call ahead for the neurosurgeon. Let them know we're bringing Dr. Sinclair in. You got that? Tell them Dr. Sinclair is down."

Jude knelt by the stretcher, completely unaware of what Deb was saying or doing. If there was a world beyond this six by six foot space, she had no memory of it. Everything that mattered to her was just inches away in the form of the dark haired woman who lay so frighteningly still.

*****

Chapter Thirty two

As the double doors of the ambulance swung open, Pam Arnold climbed up onto the rear running board and peered into the interior. She hadn't truly believed the frantic, garbled radio transmission, but as soon as she'd heard it she'd hurried to see for herself, leaving her resident alone in the trauma bay to continue with the evaluation of a fireman who'd fallen from an extension ladder while humping hose up to douse a burning vehicle. Blinking in the glare of the vehicle's ceiling lights, she surveyed a scene she would not soon forget. For a few seconds, trying to absorb the reality of it, she forgot why she had been called.

The trauma fellow, her back braced for balance against the partition that separated the transport section from the cab, was attaching EKG leads to the chief of the division of trauma, who lay unresponsive on the stretcher, naked from the waist up, an IV running into her left arm and a stiff cervical collar immobilizing her neck. The film person-the redhead-was on her knees next to the gurney, Saxon's left hand clasped between both of hers. The look she gave Pam as she turned at the sound of the doors opening was wild--not with hysteria--but with some kind of ferocious protectiveness. In the far corner of the small space a grimy, bedraggled blond in a ratty baseball cap held a camera at eyelevel. Pam shook her head. This was not happening. Saxon Sinclair was not lying on that stretcher.

Pam squared her shoulders and narrowed her gaze, focusing on the patient. As she stepped inside, she asked brusquely, "Is she stable?"

"Vital signs are rock solid," Deb answered steadily, pulling the sheet up to cover Sax's breasts while watching the blood pressure monitor. "Pupils are equal and reactive, but sluggish."

"No respiratory problems?" Pam asked, leaning down to flick her penlight into first one, then the other, of Sax's eyes. She edged aside a few inches to allow the EMTs to pack up the monitors so they could remove the stretcher from the ambulance.

"Nope--she's breathing fine all on her own. She never lost her pulse or pressure."

"Was she ever conscious in the field?"

"No, she's been unresponsive since we found her," Deb said a bit dispiritedly, "but I think we're dealing with just the closed head injury."

"What about the blood?" Pam asked, nodding toward the stain on the sheets and the streaks down Sax's neck, lifting and flexing Sax's limbs as she talked. "Good tone, no hypereflexia," she muttered.

"Her head is cut-something hit her," Jude murmured, wincing as she stood up. Her legs were sore from the lacerations she'd not noticed earlier and her muscles were cramped from kneeling on the rough corrugated floor of the ambulance.

"Stein?" Pam asked, glancing from Jude back to the trauma resident for confirmation as the paramedics slid the gurney from the truck. At Deb's nod of assent, Pam added, "I want to get her right to the CT scanner. They're holding it for us. You good with that?"

"Yes. I'll go with you, just in case there's a problem," Deb replied as she climbed out, Jude and Melissa right behind her.

Hurrying alongside the wheeled stretcher being steered by the paramedics, Pam was about to suggest that the civilians wait in trauma admitting, but one look at the redhead's face made her change her mind. Mentally sighing, she figured it couldn't be any more of a zoo than it was already going to be, seeing who the patient was, and it didn't look like anything short of a nuclear blast could budge the woman from Sinclair's side.

"What's your name?" Pam asked as they commandeered an elevator.

"Jude Castle," Jude replied distractedly, watching Sax's face for some kind of movement. Sax, wake up, for God's sake. Just open your eyes. Just-just come back. Unmindful of Pam's intent stare, she smoothed the backs of her fingers over Sax's cheek. "Can you tell anything yet?"

The eyes she lifted to Pam's were dark with anguish. Pam had seen the look a thousand times. She would have given her the stock answer-Too soon to tell, I'll know more later--not because she didn't care, but because she couldn't share every single person's pain and still be able to work. But it was Saxon Sinclair lying there and this woman so obviously loved her.

"There's no sign of focal injury-no paralysis or anything else to suggest major brain damage," Pam said gently. "That's good. That means there's probably no surgical problem that's causing pressure on one part of the brain. The CT scan will tell us that for sure."

"Then she'll wake up soon? She'll be all right?"

Pam hesitated. "Look…"

"Please," Jude said quietly.

"If it's just a concussion, she'll have a mega headache and nothing else to show for all of this," Pam acquiesced with a sigh, hoping she hadn't just shot herself in the foot by breaking her own rule never to prognosticate. Glancing at Mel, she asked pointedly, "I'd prefer not to have this conversation on tape."

"Sorry," Melissa said, quickly terminating the tape. "It's automatic. You're welcome to see it and we'll erase…"

"Fine, fine," Pam said curtly as they began to disembark, her mind already back on her patient. Stopping at the double doors to the CT suite, she added, "You two will have to wait out here. As soon as I see the scans, I'll let you know. Has anyone called her family?"

"Oh god," Jude gasped. "Maddy-I don't even know her number."

"Try Saxon's on call room-there should be something in her wallet…"

And then the neurosurgeon was gone, and so was Sax. The heavy windowless doors swung shut and Jude was left standing in the stark, harshly lit hallway, wondering how everything had changed so quickly.

"Jude?" Melissa asked softly. "Who's Maddy?"

"Her grandmother," Jude said dully. "I need to call her."

"She'll be okay, you know," Melissa began uneasily. Man, she felt inadequate. She'd never needed to comfort Jude before. She couldn't ever remember her being really upset even, not personally, not about the kinds of things that people usually got upset about--a love affair gone south or a professional setback--nothing that had ever hit her somewhere deep like this had. Jude was always in control; Jude always managed to stay a safe distance away from all the upheaval that plagued most people's lives. "Jude-these people are not going to let anything happen to her. She's…hell, she's…"

"She's just flesh and blood, Melissa," Jude bleakly, "and she's vulnerable, just like all of us." She passed a trembling hand over her face, then seemed to pull herself together with conscious effort. "Come on-let's go see if we can get a key to her on call room."

*****

As she opened the door and stepped into Sax's on call room, Jude thought about the first morning they had met--Sax standing a few feet away, peeling off her faded jeans, looking unconcerned and wholly oblivious to just how damned attractive she was. And totally unaware of the effect she was having on Jude. Jude realized now she'd been hooked from that moment. First her body, then her mind, and now-so much more. Everything. There was a small kernel of panic growing in the pit of her stomach, and she had to work very hard not acknowledge it.

She's going to be fine. You're not going to lose her now.

"Her jacket's on the chair," Melissa observed, watching Jude cautiously. Her friend was standing still, her expression distant, her entire body rigid with tension. "Want me to look?"

"No," Jude replied softly, forcing herself to concentrate on what needed to be done. "I'll do it."

Crossing the room, Jude lifted the black leather jacket, caressing her palm over the surface worn smooth by years of use. She thought of the times she had rested her cheek against it while pressed against Sax on the motorcycle. She wanted to rub her face on it, to search for some lingering hint of the heat of Sax's body or a breath of her scent, but she felt the pockets instead, finally locating the wallet in the inner left hand one. Opening it, she found Sax's driver's license in a clear plastic slot with several other cards behind it. Sliding them out, Jude shuffled through them, noting a medical license, a health insurance card, a donor card, and a finally a card with In case of Emergency typed on it. Maddy's name and number were there.

"She even looks good in her license photo," Melissa remarked, peering over Jude's shoulder, trying to distract her friend from her worry. "That's not fair. Nobody looks good in those."

"Mel," Jude asked, her voice tight, "do you think we need to bring this…donor card?"

"Jeez, no," Melissa said sharply, watching Jude's hands tremble. "Put it back. She's probably awake by now."

"Yes, of course, you're right. I'll call Maddy from radiology and let her know what's happened. The CT scan must be done."

They were almost there when they heard the overhead PA system blare.

Code Blue…Radiology STAT…Code Blue…Radiology STAT…Code Blue…

They looked at one another and ran.

*****

"She's seizing," Deb announced breathlessly as she careened through the doors of the CT room, nearly plowing into Jude and Mel on the other side. "Fuck. Where do they keep the crash carts around here."

"What happened?" Jude cried, her fear building as she realized that Deb looked-scared. "Deb?"

"I don't know. We were moving her out of the CT scanner and she started…shaking…sort of." As she spoke she grabbed a red cart on wheels and began pulling it behind her. "The code team should be here in a second-I've got to get back in there."

Deb pushed the doors open ahead of her with her shoulder and Jude and Melissa followed her inside, never even stopping to discuss it. Pam was bent over the stretcher, lifting Sax's eyelid with one hand, peering intently at her pupils.

"It's the damnedest thing," she muttered to no one in particular. "It looks like REM, but it isn't. Not like anything I've ever seen before."

Straightening, she frowned at Jude and Melissa, who were flanking Sax on the other side of the bed, but she dismissed their presence as one factor she could not control. "We'd better dilantinize her just in case this is some kind of brainstem instability," she said to Deb. "Can you find a loading dose on the crash cart somewhere?"

"I'll have it mixed in a minute," Deb replied tersely, breaking open a vial and drawing the medication into a syringe.

"That's an anti-seizure drug, right?" Jude asked, watching Sax shiver all over while her lids fluttered rapidly. Resting her palm against the surgeon's jaw, she stroked her face softly.

"Yes," Pam answered distractedly, checking Sax's vital signs on the portable monitors. She waved away the members of the code team who had just barreled through the doors ready to start CPR. "Hold off-her signs are all stable." What the hell is this?

Jude thought she felt Sax's cheek press into her palm. In her mind she heard Sax's voice. I'm very sensitive to any kind of drug. I know that now. I'm careful to avoid them. Turning to the neurosurgeon, she asked, "Can I speak to you, please?"

"I can't tell you anything right now," Pam said sharply. "In a few…"

"It's about Sax. It's important. I think that the dilantin could hurt her."

Pam's looked quickly from the monitors to Jude, her eyes narrowing. "Do you know something about her medical history? For god's sake…"

"I didn't realize…"

"Never mind. Just tell me now." Pam took Jude's arm and led her away from the bed, directing over her shoulder, "Stein, hold the dilantin but watch her vitals carefully. If her pO2 drops, push it." Facing Jude, she said, "Go ahead."

Jude hurriedly related what Sax had told her about the misdiagnoses in her childhood, the problems she had as a result of the drug therapy, the unusual REM patterns that no one could explain, and her altered neurologic responses. Desperately, Jude added, "I just thought the usual meds might not work or that they might hurt her."

"You might be right," Pam agreed, hiding her surprise and her intense curiosity about what Jude had just told her. Saxon Sinclair was an astounding woman in more ways than one, and she would dearly love the chance to learn more about this aspect of her life. The fact that the very private surgeon had chosen to share such confidences with the redhead suggested to Pam more powerfully than anything else could that she wouldn't be getting to know Saxon quite so intimately. "We need an EEG before we do anything else. She doesn't seem to be in any kind of trouble, at least not at the moment."

Turning, Pam instructed, "Let's move her to trauma admitting, Deb. We'll get a bedside EEG there."

As Deb nodded and started to wheel the gurney out of the room, Jude stepped over and reached for Sax's hand. Linking her fingers through Sax's, she said firmly, "I'm coming, too."

"Could anyone stop you?" Deb asked with a faint grin.

Jude's heart twisted a little as she realized how much Deb reminded her of Sax at that moment, but she managed to smile back. "Not in this lifetime.

*****

Chapter Thirty-three

atypical EEG...WAIT...look at this... accelerated or...NO...focal anomaly...seizure activity...no it isn't...more like REM...cycles unusual...what the HELL...

Fighting to open her eyes despite the piercing glare, she found herself staring into a huge silver disk suspended above her head, a hot white bulb in its center. Oh, god. Waking up...just like before. Alone. She recognized the lights...the smell. Hospital. Her chest tightened. She tried to move her arms, tried to lift her legs. Restrained. She struggled, moaned at the swift surge of pain. Suddenly, a silhouette took shape in her field of vision, backlit by the bright light. She tried unsuccessfully to focus. "Please..."

Gentle hands touched her cheek; a soft voice spoke. "You're in the hospital. You're going to be all right."

Lies. They tell you lies; they give you drugs; they make you lose yourself. She shuddered. She closed her eyes. Please.

"Can you hear me? You're safe."

Lies. Tender fingers brushed her forehead. They lie.

"Sax," gently pleading now. "Wake up, please."

She knew that voice; she knew that touch. Frantically she tried again to focus. Features began to emerge from the shadows, giving her something to cling to in the sea of confusion and pain. A face bending near-green eyes, caring and reassuring. Dark red hair, shimmering with gold, a perfect face. The look in those eyes-strong and steady and sure. Tightening her fingers on the hand holding hers, she asked desperately, "Jude?"

"Yes, right here," Jude soothed, seeing the bewilderment in Sax's eyes. She's trembling. She's terrified. "I'm right here." Reluctantly, because she had to, she looked away for a second, calling to the doctors still bent over the EEG tracing, "She's awake."

"Don't go," Sax said urgently, struggling to sit up. She wasn't sure where she was. She wasn't sure what was happening. They can hurt me...no...Jude is here. This is now, not then. Jude. "Don't go," she asked again.

"Of course not," Jude said, one hand on Sax's shoulder, caressing her even as she guided her back down. Sax's obvious fear was tearing at her. Her chest ached with the need to comfort her, but she knew it wasn't her sympathy Sax needed, but her resolve. "Sax, you're at St. Michael's. Everything is all right."

Pam moved to the head of the bed opposite Jude. "Welcome back," she said with a fond smile, but her eyes were searching Sax clinically--examining, assessing. "Do you know who I am?"

Sax studied the tall, lithe figure, her initial panic subsiding second by second as she realized that she did know who the woman was. Even more importantly, she knew who she was. "Pam Arnold. Neurosurgeon. And I'm Saxon Sinclair." She turned her head as far as the restraining collar would allow. "And this is my trauma unit."

"Excellent," Pam affirmed with a nod, hoping that her intense relief didn't show. She had so not wanted to put a drill to Sax's skull.

Sax looked from Pam to Jude, aware for the first time that Jude's face was smeared with soot and streaked with sweat...or was it tears? "What happened? Are you hurt?" She tried again to sit up. The two women by the bedside answered simultaneously.

"No, I'm fine. Lie still," Jude assured her, pressing one palm to Sax's shoulder.

"You got cracked on the head and sustained a significant concussion, but no serious long term damage," Pam stated.

"You're sure you're not hurt?" Sax asked again, her eyes searching Jude's face.

"I am just fine." Jude smiled, the burden of fear she had labored under for the last sixty minutes finally relenting. "Everyone is."

Satisfied, Sax lifted her left arm to the extent that the arm board taped around it would allow and saw the plastic catheter in her vein. "Did you give me anything?" she asked, looking at Pam, her face losing the last of its color. Not again. God, not again.

"No. Nothing," Pam assured her swiftly. At Sax's look of surprise, she added, "You have Ms. Castle to thank for that."

"Thank you," Sax murmured, glancing at Jude and linking her fingers more tightly through hers. She took a deep breath, feeling infinitely more settled. Time to move on. "Pam, can you get this damn thing off my neck?"

"Yes, your spine is clear on the CT," Pam informed her, releasing the velcro straps on the molded cervical collar and removing it. "Do you need something for pain? Let me finish my exam and I'll order some morphine."

"I'm fine," Sax lied. Her disorientation, while lessening dramatically, had unfortunately been replaced by a throbbing headache. A trade she was happy to accept. She pulled at the strap that ran across her chest pinning her to the narrow table. "Let me up."

"As soon as Stein closes that laceration on your head, we'll get you upstairs to a room," Pam informed her as she began checking reflexes and motor tone.

"No."

"I'm sorry?" Pam asked, raising her head to meet Sax's implacable expression.

"I'm not going to be admitted."

"Saxon, this isn't negotiable," Pam said, an edge in her voice now. Perfect. Lovely. Just what I need-a power struggle in the middle of a goddamned mass casualty alert.

"I'm sure you have something better to do than argue with me," Sax said reasonably, as if reading Pam's mind. "I'll sign the 'against medical advice' form if you insist, but I'm not staying."

"Now look..."

"Can I talk to her for a minute...alone?" Jude interrupted calmly. Sax's voice was strong and her eyes were clear, but she was pale as the sheets and the hand that lay in Jude's palm shook. It was clear to Jude that she was in pain.

"Be my guest," Pam replied in clipped, angry tones. "I'm going to check on my other patients." She glanced at Jude, who was softly stroking Sax's arm, and added tersely, "Talk some sense into her."

"As if I could," Jude said with a smile. Before Sax could make any kind of argument, she leaned down until her lips nearly touched Sax's ear and whispered, "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Sax carefully turned her head until their eyes met, their lips barely inches apart. Jude's irises were so many swirling shades of green she almost got lost in them. She forgot what she had meant to say. "How much?" she asked softly, just because she wanted to hear her say it.

"So much I can't even imagine being without you," she admitted. She'd said it. It was the truth, and the truth of it was amazingly simple to accept. I love you. Yes. "I was scared to death out there when we found you. I can't go through that again."

"Oh, that's not fair," Sax murmured, wanting desperately to hold her. She reached across with her unrestrained right hand and stroked Jude's cheek, traced her fingers along her jaw, rested her thumb against the corner of her mouth. "I love you. I'd do anything for you."

"Then stay here," Jude said softly, leaning closer, kissing her.

"I'm scared."

Jude's heart twisted, because she knew what that admission cost her. "I'll stay with you."

Sax turned her face away, struggling with old terrors, wanting desperately to embrace new trusts. She felt Jude's touch, knew she was not alone. She drew on that strength, relied on that constancy, as she searched for reason and fought to conquer fear.

"Just overnight."

"Deal."

***** 

She awoke drenched in sweat. Rivers of it soaked her hair, the hospital gown, the sheets. The room was dim, illuminated by a faint light from the bathroom. Nighttime.

Pushing the covers aside, she slowly shifted toward the side of the bed. The movement didn't seem to produce any adverse effects. Headache-nearly gone. Nausea-minimal. Vision-clear. Excellent.

"What are you doing?" Jude asked from the chair a few feet away where she had been dozing.

"I need a shower."

"I don't think you're supposed to get up," Jude remarked as she went to Sax's side. She brushed the hair from her forehead. It was wet, but Sax's skin was warm, not clammy.

"I'm fine," Sax replied, sitting up. No dizziness. Good.

"What's going on then-you're soaked."

"It happens to me sometimes-it's probably just the tail end of the trauma. Like when a fever breaks, I guess," she said, reaching for Jude's hand. "Don't worry."

"Is Pam going to flay me when she discovers I let you get up?" Jude asked only half-teasingly. The neurosurgeon's last words to her had been, "Make sure she stays put."

"With any luck we'll be gone before she shows up." She took two steps, felt fine, then a few more. All systems go.

"Sax," Jude said, holding her back with a hand on her arm. "You have me at a disadvantage here. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Tell me you're not being stubborn and foolish."

Sax turned, met her eyes. "I need about two days before I can drive or work, but I'm okay. I can rest at Maddy's a lot better than I can here. I won't take chances. I promise."

"Then let me give you a hand."

"Deal."

*****

"These weren't designed for two," Jude observed, bumping her elbow against the shower wall as she carefully worked the lather into Sax's hair.

Sax pressed her hips into Jude's pelvis, observing mischievously, "Maybe they were."

"Stop," Jude breathed, liking a little too much the slick feel of Sax's skin against her thigh. She'd been so scared that she would lose her, and now she was so damn glad to have her back. God, it feels good. Too good. "There are so many reasons why we can't do this here, I can't even count."

"Mmm, I know," Sax remarked distractedly, running her fingers along the edge of Jude's breast, watching her nipple harden. "What were they again?"

"Do that for another second and I'll forget, so...stop."

"Jude," Sax said quietly, her hands resting on Jude's waist, her expression suddenly serious. "Thank you for this morning. For being there, for talking to Pam about the meds."

"Sax..." Jude started to protest, her palms on Sax's shoulders, their breasts lightly touching, their eyes holding one another.

"No wait...I'm not done," Sax interrupted, smiling faintly, wanting to say the words. "You took care of me, and I...I needed that. I needed you. So I...just..."

"Sax, I love you," Jude said. Firmly. Clearly. Tenderly. "I need you."

Sax closed her eyes, rested her forehead on Jude's. "God, I love you."

"Good," Jude whispered, and kissed her. So very good.

After a moment, Sax moved her mouth to Jude's ear and murmured, "I can't remember why we weren't supposed to do this."

A sharp knock resounded on the bathroom door, clearly audible even above the pounding of the running water.

"That would be one," Jude said dryly. She turned the knobs to off and slid the curtain back. "Yes?"

"Sinclair better be in there," Pam Arnold warned from the other side.

"Uh, could you give us a minute?" Jude called.

"No."

"We need to get dressed."

"I'm not hearing this," Pam's voice announced ominously. "I'm really not. Five minutes."

When they emerged, Sax in the jeans and tee shirt Jude had retrieved earlier from her on call room, and Jude in the clean clothes Mel had delivered from her apartment, they found Pam waiting in the one chair, legs crossed, looking elegant and decidedly cool.

"You agreed to stay overnight. It's 9:30pm," she said, fixing Sax with a piercing stare.

"I'm fine," Sax replied.

Before Pam could snarl a response, the door opened and Deb Stein entered, followed closely by Melissa.

"Hey, boss," Deb called, smiling with delight. "You're up!"

"Hi," Mel added.

"Wonderful. Now we can have a party," Pam growled, rising to her feet. "You two," she said to the newcomers. "Out."

As they looked from her to Sax and Jude in confusion, the door opened yet again.

"Whoa," Melissa blurted before she could stop herself as a woman stepped inside.

"Maddy," Sax exclaimed. "I told you on the phone not to come."

"I know that, Saxon," Maddy remarked, smiling at Mel, who was staring unabashedly at her. "But you can't drive that motorcycle; Jude's car is parked behind the house; and I thought you would be about ready to leave by now."

"How did you get here? Tell me you didn't drive the Rolls," Sax cried.

"There's a very nice policeman right out in front of the hospital who is watching it," Maddy explained, her eyes twinkling. Saxon appeared fine, just as Jude had said, but she felt better seeing for herself. She knew what being a patient would do to her granddaughter.

"Oh my god," Sax moaned. "I have to go right now."

"Wait a minute," Pam said, very nearly shouting.

"Ah, let me make introductions," Jude said quickly before the scene could deteriorate further. As she went around the room getting everyone acquainted, even Pam began to relax.

"Madelaine Lane," Melissa said reverently. "You're Sax's grandmother. Whoa."

"And you're Jude's DP. Lovely work," Maddy rejoined sincerely.

Melissa blushed and was, for once, speechless.

Maddy fixed Pam with an assessing stare. "So, may I take her home? Jude will be there to see that she behaves."

"Maddy," Sax groaned while Jude grinned.

"She seems fine," Pam admitted reluctantly. "I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea, however."

"How about if Deb comes along?" Jude suggested.

"Check," Sax whispered to Jude, too low for anyone else to hear. She watched with pleasure as Jude deftly moved the pieces with surgical precision.

"Yes," Maddy agreed. She looked from Mel to Deb, and added, "And you are welcome, too, Melissa. I've lots of room."

"Well..." Mel replied hesitantly, looking at Deb with a question in her eyes.

"It's fine with me," Deb answered, grinning at Mel.

Jude moved a little closer to Sax, resting her hand on her back. "Do those arrangements satisfy?" she asked Pam.

"It would seem I've been outmaneuvered," Pam conceded, a wisp of a smile softening her face.

"And mate," Jude whispered, firmly taking Sax's hand.

Epilogue

Twelve months later

"Who is it?" Sax called, her scrub shirt half off over her head.

"It's me," came a deep voice from the hallway outside her on-call room.

Hastily, she pulled down her shirt and quickly crossed to the door. "What do you want?" she said hurriedly, peering out. "It's already twenty after six."

Clearly, he was on schedule. He looked dashing in black-tie, every blond hair in place as always. Raising an eyebrow at her obvious state of un-readiness, he said, "I know precisely what time it is. I was just checking to see if you were ready."

"No, Aaron, I'm not ready. Do I look ready? Are you planning on helping me get dressed? Because if you're not, would you please go away and leave me alone?"

Aaron Townsend was enjoying Sinclair's nervousness. It wasn't often, make that never, that he got to see her the least bit off her stride. Nervous was just not a word that applied to her. "Well, if you want me to, I could probably accommodate you."

"Aaron, just because I might once have said I missed you, I've forgotten that by now. Don't push, or you could be back doing float work on the medical floor."

"Deb just left. She looked-outstanding. Nice ride, too," he continued, walking into her on call room and completely ignoring her empty threats.

Sax raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess. Grey Rolls? Mint condition-"

"Uh huh."

"Please, please tell me that my grandmother wasn't driving."

"Nah-some scruffy little blond-" When Sax moaned, he laughed and took pity on her. "No-a gorgeous chauffeur's driving-tall redhead with cheekbones like Jodie Foster. And Deb's date looked great, too. Melissa's hot."

"The three of them together out on the town with the Rolls. It's terrifying." She put a hand on his chest and shoved. "Get out."

"Where are your clothes?" He still hadn't moved.

"The tailor is dropping them off." Exasperated, she added, "Now goodbye." She gestured toward the hallway and began nudging him in that direction.

"What time is she picking you up?"

"20 minutes, and I still have to shower. So will you please get lost."

"Yes, Doctor," he said, mockingly as he finally stepped back out into the hall. "I'll see you there."

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered, closing the door resoundingly behind him and finally shedding her shirt. She had untied her pants and was about to step out of them when the knock came again. "I'm not kidding," she shouted from her side of the door. "Disappear, as in vanish, unless you intend to come in here and help me off with the rest of my clothes."

For a moment, there was total silence, and then Jude spoke from the hall. "I'm trying to decide who you think might be standing out here. The only one I can reasonably come up with is Pam Arnold, and if that's the case, I'm coming in there to kill you."

Sax pulled the door open for a second time and peered out. "What are you doing here? It's not time yet. Is it?"

Jude didn't reply. She leaned against the doorframe, shielding her lover from the view of passersby in the hallway, and stared. Sax was standing a few feet away, nearly naked, her scrub pants halfway off her hips, her chest and stomach bare. Despite the fact that Jude had seen her step naked from the shower that morning, and by now she should probably be used to it, the site of Saxon undressed never failed to drive every other thought from her mind. Her palms actually tingled with the urge to touch her. Finally she managed, "Who were you expecting?"

"No one. Aaron was just here a minute ago bothering me."

"And you invited him to help you get undressed? That's an interesting twist," Jude remarked with a grin. "Something I need to know?"

Sax grinned back. "Not to worry. It was a threat."

"Not to me," Jude murmured as she crossed the threshold, tossed the garments she had been carrying over one arm onto a nearby chair, and kicked the door closed behind her. In one continuous motion she closed the distance between them until her breasts were against Sax's, and her hands were buried in her hair. Pulling Sax to her, she swallowed Sax's gasp of surprise before slipping her tongue into her lover's mouth. Always so good.

When Sax managed to draw a breath she rasped, "Are you crazy? We have to be there in forty-five minutes. We're not even dressed. Don't... I mean it... don't touch me..." and then they were kissing again, and Sax was not resisting.

Coupled, fused, joined by hands and mouth and lips, they slowly moved across the room, never breaking the kiss. When they reached the door to the bathroom, Jude finally lifted her head and whispered, "We can be late."

"No, we can't," Sax groaned desperately. "Your documentary is one of the selections. This is the New York Film Festival, for God's sake, and we can't be late for the premier."

"I can't sit through four hours of speeches thinking about your hands on me," Jude insisted, pushing Sax into the room and against the small sink, then insinuating one thigh between her legs. She watched Sax's eyes grow hazy and knew that she had won. Gripping the sink on either side of Sax's body to hold her in place, she lowered her head and caught a nipple between her teeth.

Sax gave a sharp cry, arching her back as a swift jolt drilled through her spine and sparked fire between her legs. "Oh. Please...if you start..."

"I've already started."

Sax knew she wouldn't last, and if she was going to blow at the first touch, she damn well wasn't going to be alone. Adroitly, she worked the zipper down on Jude's slacks and in the same motion slipped her hand in. She groaned again, this time not from the insistent pressure between her legs or the exquisite point of pain in her breast from Jude's teeth, but from the wet heat she found waiting for her between Jude's thighs. "Oh yeah--you're ready," she gasped as they both shed clothing.

"I was ready at the door," Jude rasped, moving her lips to Sax's neck, her teeth to the skin just below her ear. "I saw you naked and I got hard."

"Jesus," Sax whispered, her head about to explode. She circled Jude now, pressing her from base to tip, losing herself in Jude's soft moans. She ached, and thrust faster against Jude's thigh. Each of Jude's sharp cries made her twitch and she worked her even harder, waiting until the last second to enter her. She thrust and Jude rocked. They were synchronized, leading and following, rising and falling together.

Raising her head, Jude's eyes met Sax's and she caught her lower lip between her teeth, trying to hold back her orgasm. She was losing, but it was a wonderful surrender. She whimpered as Sax filled her; Sax groaned, the muscles in her neck taut, as Jude's thigh rode hard on her clitoris.

"I'm going to..."

"yes"

"now... right..."

"... now..."

Sax shuddered, Jude shivered, and they held tightly to one another, pummeled with pleasure until they were both sobbing.

Finally, Sax gathered herself enough to ask, "Did you happen to bring my tux?"

"Of course," Jude said with a shaky laugh, lifting her head from where she had been resting it on Sax's shoulder. "I brought both of them."

"I love you," Sax whispered. "You're going to win, you know."

Jude took her hand, thinking of the last year, and tugged her toward the shower. "I already have."

The End

This work is copyrighted by Radclyffe at Radfic productions.

Please address all comments to Radclyffe@radfic.com Additional fiction can be found at www.radfic.com


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