Disclaimers: This story contains violence, adult situations, and same sex relationships, which at times are graphic. If this is not suitable for you, please don't read any further.

All characters found in this story are the creation of Lisa S. and are her property exclusively.

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Her
By Lisa S.

PART 3

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I found myself at work the next day without the slightest recollection of how I got there.  The night after I left Madeline was a blur.  Too many thoughts passing through my mind in a tornado-like chaos; none of them complete and none of them were making any sense.  I vaguely remember laying down on my bed and closing my eyes, only to have the screen of consciousness in my head whirl around images of Madeline. 

I must have gotten up and gotten ready to work, and I must have driven myself to the office, not even remembering how I got there.  The lack of memory was almost as disturbing as the lack of interest on my part.  My work sat before me and all I seemed capable of accomplishing was an extreme interest in my pen. 

“You’re starting to really worry me,”  Marie’s voice came from my doorway where she leaned against the door jam, a concerned look on her face. 

“Sorry,” I said softly, giving her a small smile.  I didn’t know if I could really pretend right now.

“What’s going on?”  Marie violated every rule I’d ever associated with work relationships.  Especially with a secretary.  She always had.  Why should this new invasion surprise me?  And why was I not surprised that I found myself wanting to talk to her.

“I’m in love.”  I said, hearing the misery in my own voice.

“Oh, that does not sound good.”  Stepping further into my office, Marie subtly closed the door behind her.  I raised an eyebrow at her, only to have to her raise her own return.  Ah, a challenge.  “When I first told my mama that I thought I was in love, she sat me down and told me that she was going to give me only one bit of advice.”

I nodded my head, wanting to hear whatever her mother had said, desperately wishing that my own mother were around to give me the advice I so desperately needed. 

“She told me that love would bring out the best and the worst in life.  It was my choice whether or not I allowed it to carry me like the tide, or I fought against it.  Fighting it, she said, would only bring misery and sadness.  Going with the tide of love would bring tears, but also the laughter and joy that only true happiness could bring.”  She finished with a gentle smile.  “Are you going to fight it, Fox, or are you going to let it carry you?”

“I don’t want to fight it, but…”  I couldn’t finish my sentence, feeling tears fill my eyes as my face flushed. 

“But what?”

“I don’t know if she’ll ever really be mine.”

“Do you love her?”  Marie asked patiently.

I took a minute to think about the question, realizing that this was a turning point in my life; a watershed event that would take me forward.  “Yes,”  I replied, feeling sure in my answer and feeling the conviction behind in the word.

“Then wait for her.  If you love her, than she must be worthy of you.  Wait for her, Fox, and she’ll be yours.”  She came over and gave me a gentle hug, leaving my senses filled with her light perfume.  “You’re smart enough to know if this is the one for you.  Be patient and you’ll find your happiness.  Don’t fight the tide, you’ll only be miserable.”

With that sage advice passed to her by her mother, Marie left my office, closing the door behind her. 

Miserable.  Yeah, I thought I’d been miserable before this but it wasn’t even close to the ache I felt in my chest when I thought about a life without Madeline.  Marie was right.  If I fought my love for Madeline, or tried to go on without her, I would be more than miserable.  Something inside of me would die forever.

I sighed, and reached up to push some hair out of my face, noticing that I needed a haircut.  I guess that I had been putting off certain necessities.  If my hair needed cut, then that probably meant that there were other things I’d neglected. 

“No time like the present,” I mumbled, picking up the phone.  Dialing from memory, the phone only rang twice before it was picked up.

“Yes, I need to make an appointment to have my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed.”  I waited as the woman on the other end shuffled through an appointment book.  When she asked me if I preferred anyone in particular, I was quick to answer.  “Carolyn, please.”  I could hear some more shuffling of paper on the other end of the phone.  “Seven tonight is fine, thank you.”  I hung up the phone, feeling pretty good about having taken some steps forward in my life.

Next, I dialed a number that was even more familiar.

“Ideal Solutions, the goddesss speaking.”

“Can’t you ever answer the phone normally?”

“The goddess isn’t talking to you today, good bye.”

She didn’t hang up on me; I knew that she wouldn’t.  She was kind of pissed at me, I guess.  “M, please don’t be upset.  I’m calling for a peace treaty.”

“Does this aforementioned treaty involve food?”  Her haughtiness came down just a peg.

“Yes it does.”  I was going to play it nice.  Very nice.  Megan deserved better than how I’d been treating her lately.  She’d outlasted most of the people in my life, and I had a feeling that that would always be the case.  Her hesitation in replying was a telltale sigh that she was really angry with me.  And deservedly so.  I knew that I had but one card left to play.  “I will cook Megan.”

A quick intake of breath came over the phone, and I knew that I had hooked her.  “What would you be making, Ms. Owens?”  Now it was time to reel her in.

“Spaghetti,” I said, not elaborating, which would make her have to beg me for more information.  I knew how to play hardball if I needed to, and knowing Megan’s weaknesses certainly helped.

“And? ”  Megan prompted.  Ah, Megan was such a good player.  The game was afoot, as Holmes would say!  I could smell victory.

“And, what?” I asked innocently.  I wasn’t giving an inch.

The sound of Megan’s teeth grinding came through loud and clear as silence permeated the phone line.  “What else will you be making? ”  She finally admitted defeat, giving in to her desire to eat a good meal.

“Oh, I was thinking of making meatballs…” I fade off, smiling to myself in victory.

“When and where? ” The resigned quality of her voice almost made me pity her.  Almost.

“How about seven tonight?” 

“Okay,” she said.  I thought that she was going to hang up, but  she stayed on the line for a moment.  I waited, instinctively knowing that there was something that she needed to say.  “I love you Fox. ”  She finally said quietly and I could hear the emotion in her voice.

“I know Megs, I know.”  I felt the sorrow well up inside of me.  This was one of the few indisputable facts in my life. 

“Well, remember that in future, okay? ”

“I promise.”

“Bye.”

As I hung up the phone a tear fell from my face and a promise crossed my lips.  I would not repeat my mistakes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I left the office promptly at 5.  A trip to the grocery was necessary since I could never be assured of what would be at the house.  As always, the worst thing about stopping after work was the lines.  Everyone else had decided to stop on their way home from work, so I was stuck with under 20 items behind someone who had at least two carts full of food.  And, of course, this woman was too incompetent to bag for herself, making the checkout girl not only ring her items up but also bag them. 

I think I must have started at the woman for 15 minutes while she just chatted away, oblivious to the trickle of sweat coming from the checkout girl.  Then, as the woman stood there, observing the checkout girl put her bags into her cart for her, I stewed about the terrific society we lived in today.  In restaurants, it was impossible to get decent service, and yet here in the grocery, it was impossible to get good customers!

“Hi,” I said to the checkout girl, who smiled at me shyly.  “I’ll bag.”  I caught a grateful look as I went to stand at the end of the conveyer belt.  After she’d scanned all my items and I’d given her my debit card, she looked me in the eye and thanked me.  I all of a sudden felt much better about the world as a whole.

The drive home was congested, traffic reaching its peak as everyone made their way to their respective homes, or drove sleepily to work.  I began to think about all those people who must be working while I’m sleeping, the never-ending cycle that kept things like the country and its economy going.  It’s astounding to think about it, really.  The country as a whole is never full at rest.  It made me tired just to think about it.

When I finally pulled into the driveway, I was surprised to see that David’s car was not there.  In his line of work he normally was one of those people who were going to work as I was going to sleep.  Usually when I got home he was just getting up, and we’d spend a few hours together, me winding down from work and him waking up.

Grabbing the plastic bags from the back seat of my cat, I racked my brain, trying to remember if David had said anything about being gone.  I realized that I had been in a fog lately and he could have very well told me he was going to be gone, but I probably hadn’t heard him.  I sighed, knowing that I had more apologies yet to make.

When I’d first met Megan in I’d been in the 4^th grade.  She was new to town, and entered Mrs. Fields’ class as a short, knobby kneaded little girl with brown, frizzy hair that hung so low in front that she was always pushing them out of her face.  I remember the giggles in the back of the classroom when Mr. Kohl, the elementary school’s principal, led her into the classroom.  He introduced her and she looked shyly around the classroom, her eyes stopping when she got to me.  She smiled at me before she continued her sweep, and I knew at that moment that she had picked me.  Picked me for what, I didn’t know, but I had been picked.

That day at lunch, I made my way in the class line to the cafeteria, which was also our gym, and found her next to me, her smile on me yet again.

And that was it.  From that day forward we were friends. 

Even at that age, Megan had a tenacious grasp on life.  She feared nothing, despite being a good half a foot shorter than most of the kids our age, and she let nothing stop her.  Her second week at her new school she decided that she was not content to stand around with the rest of the girls while the boys played football at recess.  “I wanna play,” she announced at the end of lunch.  After flinging her metal lunchbox to one side, she rolled up the sleeves of her wool sweater and marched onto the field.  The other girls in our class stared on in horror as she took a position and got ready for the first kick. 

I remember watching her from the sidelines that day, awed at the guts it took for her to put herself out there.  Part of me wanted desperately to join her, defying all around us, but another part of me hung back, lacking that joie la vive that made Megan tick.  Despite her skirt and saddle shoes, she proceeded to tackle any of the guys that came her way, flying through the air as she took them down.  At one point she got the ball herself and flew down the field, the boys stopped in their tracks, unsure whether they should tackle a girl or not. 

After that first day, she continued to play with the boys in whatever game they decided to play.  And each time, no matter what they played, she threw herself into proving herself just as good as any of them. 

The most surprising after affect of Megan’s actions was what happened to the girls in our class.  Normally, the girls stood around acting as sort of cheerleaders as the boys ran around and sweated.  But after Megan joined them, the girls in our class, without speaking of it, became divided.  Half of the girls now cheered loudly for Megan, urging her to kick butt, while the other half quietly continued to support the boys. 

I, of course, was her biggest supporter, whether I wanted to or not.  I was, after all, her best friend, the one she picked. 

While our personalities seemed mismatched, we managed to stay friends even as other people faded in and out.  When my parents died, she was by my side, not letting me forget that I needed to keep going.  There were a few times that through my haze of grief that I thought I heard her even reminding me to breath.

From the many times that Megan had come over to my house while we were growing up she had grown to love my mother’s spaghetti.  She had a recipe for meatballs that she’d gotten from her grandmother, as well as her own blend of ingredients that made her spaghetti sauce come alive with flavors.  Knowing it was Megan’s favorite, my mother made a point of making it when she was at our house for dinner. 

There were times, looking back, that I wonder if Megan had a crush on my mother.  I can remember her standing in my parent’s kitchen, looking up at my mother with glowing eyes, a faint smile on her face.  When I was a child it seemed wonderful that my best friend adored my mother.  I know I did. 

It would have seemed that since Megan had watched my mother so many times that she would be able to perform the task of making the spaghetti herself.  But, unfortunately, Megan was helpless in the kitchen.  So, it was up to me to keep alive the legacy of my mother’s spaghetti and meatballs.  And it was my one weapon against Megan when we fought.  But it also served as a way to keep my mother alive for both of us. 

Having made it so many times, I didn’t have to put much thought into what I was making, so I allowed my thoughts to drift.  Without meaning to, I began to think of Madeline.  As I hand mixed the meatball ingredients, I imagined her smooth neck, wondering what it would be like to softly nibble on the area where her neck flared out into her shoulders.  I knew that her skin would be soft and fragrant there. 

Rolling the meat I thought of her sweet smile that made my heart beat faster every time I saw it.  I was completely weak when she smiled, unable to think of anything but her and the wondrous power she had over me. 

And as I cooked the meatballs I began to feel an unquenchable internal heat that had nothing to do with what the stove was producing.  Unable to stop it, I moaned softly, closing my eyes and leaning against the counter top.  I had to control myself or else I’d loose it completely. 

Even as I regrouped, I heard the doorbell ring, startling me out of my own thoughts.  Looking at the clock, I realized that it was too early for Megan and Tree, so I was puzzled as to who could be at my door.

Checking the heat under the meatballs, I quickly washed my hands, grabbed a towel to dry them as I went to answer the door.

As I opened the door and realized that I was face to face with my fantasy, I felt the blood rush to my face and my nether regions and my head became light.  Without pomp or circumstance, I fainted.

When I awoke I was instantly aware of a soft touch against my face, stroking my cheek, and making me flush instantly with desire.  I guess a life without sex was harder than I thought.  Take a long breath in, I realized quickly that it was Madeline.  My head was cradled in her lap. 

Oh my god, I was laying in Madeline’s lap!  Control was in order.  I kept my eyes closed, taking in the feeling of Madeline’s fingers on my brow, the warmth of her lap under my head, the heady scent that I imagined was between her legs.  Oh, I was in trouble. 

“I think she’s coming around,” Madeline said soft out loud.

“She’s faking,” A familiar voice came from a short distance away.  Megan.  I’d obviously been unconscious for longer than I thought.

“She’s been out for awhile,” Madeline confirmed my thoughts, as though reading what I was thinking and defending me.  Go Madeline, I thought.

“Maybe,” Megan replied suspiciously.  “But she’s faking it now.”

Bitch, I thought.

“Kiss her, you’ll see.” 

Yes, kiss me, I thought, hoping that Madeline would still be picking up on my thoughts.

“She’s not unconscious, she’s just hor—” From my vantage point, it seemed as though Megan was prevent from finishing her sentence.

“Why don’t we go check on the food?” A third voice came from a distance.  Tree.  Thank God for Tree! 

There was the sound of a slight struggle.  I could envision Tree physically dragging Megan from the room.  I made a mental note to thank Tree in the near future for her Megan-intervention.

Through it all, Madeline continued to stroke my face and I felt my own need and desire rise.  Then, just as I thought a moan would over come me, I felt Madeline’s soft lips meet mine in a light kiss that sent my desire over the edge.  I moan out loud, unable to contain it any longer.

“So, you were faking it?”  Madeline said finally, laughter lacing her voice. 

“Not the entire time,” I said, refusing to open my eyes, instead focusing on the memory of her lips.

“That’s not very nice,” she softly admonished me and I instantly felt ashamed.

“I’m sorry.”  I opened my eyes and looked into hers shyly.  I felt myself drowning in her blue eyes, my own eyes blurring until all I saw was the depths there.

She continued to caress my face, her neck bent so that her hair fell forward and brushed my skin.  “What happened?”  When she spoke I could feel her breath as it was expelled from her body.

“Wha…wha…what do you mean?”  As I drowned, I wondered why I wasn’t fighting the feeling, why I wasn’t trying to save myself.  Wasn’t the nature reaction to drowning a desperate fight to save yourself?  So why didn’t I fight?

“Why did you faint, Fox?”  She was looking directly into my eyes and I began to wonder if she was feeling the same sensation I as I was.  Was she drowning too?

“I…I…” Oh shit.  Did I tell her?  Did I tell her about my fantasies about her?  Did I tell her how I’d been imagining her before I’d opened the door?  “I was thinking about you while I was cooking.  And then, you were there, at the door.  I…I…I guess it was sensory overload.”

Her lips turned into a soft, knowing smile.  And, as if we were in slow motion, I watched as she leaned down toward me, my own head lifting slightly, meeting her lips with my own.  Neither of us moved at first, both of us just resting on each other’s lips, taking in the feeling of warmth and electricity.  Then, one of us opened our mouth and someone’s tongued dived in, I can’t be sure who did what first because soon it was a luscious fight over space, both of us doing our share of give and take. 

My arms came up and my hands found her hair, pulling her harder against me.  Our soft moans filled the air and pushed me further over the edge.  She wrapped her arms around me, pulling up against her chest.  Her strength surprised me, causing me to gasp into her mouth.  I threw an arm around her shoulders, caressing the back of her neck with my hand.

The flood of pleasure that pulsated through me was so stunning in it’s power that I felt small tremors of the beginning of an orgasm rush within.

“I told you,” Megan said from the doorway, startling us both.  Our mouths pulled apart but we didn’t let go of our hold on each other. 

Tree’s head appeared above Megan’s, and she too peered down at us.  Winking at me, she turned Megan around.  “Why don’t we go and finish the meatballs?”

“Oh shit, I forgot…” I faded off, seeing the look on Megan’s face and feeling immediately guilty.  I did not, however, leave my stop in Madeline’s lap.

“Yeah, you forgot alright.”  Megan crossed her arms and starred at me.

“Did any of them burn badly?”  I honestly had no idea how long I’d been on the floor, or how much time had passed. 

“Nah, I turned them off when we got here,” Tree waved her hand in the air to rid me of my concern.  But the look in Megan’s eyes would not let me forget about the guilt.  “We’ll finish cooking the meat and then you can do the sauce and spaghetti, okay?”  She herded Megan toward the kitchen, relieving me of the penetrating stare. 

Alone again, I slowly looked back at Madeline.  My breath caught in my throat as I remembered her lips on mine and her hands on my body.  I think that I must have looked like I was going to pass out again because her beautiful face immediately looked at me with concern. 

“I’m okay,” I said, my words almost making me choke.  My hand went up and gently touched her face.  “I just…you…you take my breath away.”  I wanted to tell her so much more.  I wanted to tell her of my fear of loosing her; of my fear of loosing myself in her.  Since the last time I’d seen her I had tried to force her out of my mind, and in reality what I was trying to rid my mind of was the idea that I would never be with her.  Yes, I had feared more than anything that I would never feel something as simple as her lips on mine.

With that very fear in mind, I leaned up and met her lips with mine, holding myself there to savor the feeling of her warm soft lips against my own.  Her mouth moved against mine, slowly opening my lips with her tongue, sending undulating sensations through the very core of my being, threatening to over come every sense of control I still had.

Slowly, we pulled apart, electricity jumping between us as we did. 

“How do you do that?”  Madeline asked me breathlessly, her eyes looking dewy and beautiful.

“What?” I said with a smile, brushing her hair back from her eyes.

“Make me feel like…like, I don’t know, like I’m going to catch on fire and spontaneously combust.”  She blushed furiously as she voiced her body’s reaction to me and I felt the smile begin to stretch my mouth.

“I do that, huh?”  I teased her, moving closer and gently nibbling her neck, enjoying the low moan of pleasure that resulted from it. 

“Oh yeaaaaa….”  There was one spot on her neck, right where it met her shoulders on the right side that seemed to illicit a moan that was deeper and throatier than the others.  In my mind I tattooed that spot, knowing that it would always be a favorite place to rest my lips.

“Well,” I said between bites on her neck, “I must say…” I returned to that favorite spot.  “You make me feel as though I was born yesterday in a bath of fire that was you and every time we touch, I’m ignited once again.”

Madeline sat straight up and starred at me, her eyes wide and her mouth in a straight line.  Dread filled me as I watched her face drain of color.  Something I had said must have been wrong.  “I’m…I’m…” I could seem to get the last word out.  I felt suddenly lost and unsure where as just moments ago I felt so in control and centered.  I dropped my eyes from her penetrating gaze, feeling like a child about to be punished.

With a finger under my chin, Madeline pushed my head back up.  With dread I looked back into her eyes, surprised at the tears that were now there.  “That was the most beautiful words that have ever been said about me.  Thank you.”  Her lips were soft and yielding this time when they touched mine.  This kiss was merely sweet and loving, speaking of a future without promises made with words.

When we mutually pulled back it was in both our minds to hold one another tightly, feeling that whispering tugging of fate on our lives, tugging us both in a direction that we’d seen from our separately, wide paths.  This new direction looked narrow and harrowing, but there was no stopping what we’d already put into motion.

With my head against her chest I could feel the steady beat of her heart and I felt it calm my own staccato beat.  With deep breaths, I closed my eyes and just smiled.  What happened next, I didn’t know, but I wouldn’t be alone. 

“So, what is this about meatballs?”  Madeline said softly, stroking my hair. 

The events of that night suddenly came back to me.  “I was making meatballs when…when you rang the doorbell?”  I sat up straighter and looked at her.  “Why are you here?”  I realized how that must have sounded, so I explained.  “I mean, I’m glad that you’re here, but…why?”

“Monte’s out of town this week.  I’ve been thinking a lot about you and I really felt the need to see you.”  She shrugged.  “I looked in the company’s directory and found your address.  I was going to call, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me.”

“What?”  My eyebrows drew together as I questioned her.  “Why wouldn’t I want to see you?”

Madeline brushed the back of her hand across my face slowly, her face watching as her skin touched mine.  “I knew that I was being awfully unfair to you and I thought you might have figured it out by now and have changed your mind.”

I leaned over and gently brushed my lips against hers.  “Silly woman.  To change my mind you’d have to change my heart, and that is not possible.”  I could see some sort of stress released when she heard this.  I realized that I hadn’t been the only one that felt fear and pain regarding our future.

“I’m glad,” she said simply, putting her head on my shoulder.  Smiling into her hair, I squeezed her tightly.

“So, what about those meatballs?”  She mumbled into my shirt, warming the skin there with her breath.

“I had invited Megan and Tree over for spaghetti and meatballs.  It’s…” I hesitated, unsure of how to explain how this simple fair was a ghostly bridge shared by Megan and I.  “When I was little my mother made the best spaghetti, and Megan and I both have fond memories of those days.  So, we try to get together for spaghetti and meatballs when we can.”  I didn’t want to tell her that it was supposed to be an apology dinner.  It would open up even more insecurities of mine for scrutiny.

Madeline suddenly looked uncertain.  “Oh, I didn’t mean to interrupt…” She faded off, looking nervously toward the kitchen. 

I followed her gaze.  “Listen, it’s okay.  There’s plenty of food.”  A Megan can get to know you better, I said to myself.  The night at the bar had been loud and obnoxious, but I really wanted the two of them to get along.

“I don’t think that Megan likes me very much,” she said with a rueful smile, looking down at the floor. 

“She doesn’t know you yet,” I took her hand in mine.  “She just resents the amount of time I spend thinking about you, talking about you, dreaming about you…” I fade off and gave her a lopsided smile.  “You can see why it might get kind of annoying.”

Laughing, Madeline brought my hand to her face and rubbed the back of my hand over her cheek, ending the caress with a gentle kiss.  “Thank you,” she said softly, giving me a smoldering look that made my knees weak. 

Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly, trying with mere will power to keep my own libido from taking over.  “Come on, I’ll introduce you to the infamous spaghetti and meatballs.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Love must agree with you,” Megan said to me seriously as we cleared the table. 

“What do you mean?”  As I asked I looked toward the living room where Tree and Madeline were talking.  They’d discovered a mutual appreciation for gardening and were thrilling each other with stories about bulbs.

“This,” she indicated the mess from dinner with her hand, “was the best spaghetti you’ve ever made.  And I know it wasn’t on my account.”  She gave me a smirk and bumped my hip with hers. 

“She thinks you don’t like her,” I said quietly.  I didn’t want to betray a confidence, but I was sure that Megan didn’t not like her, she was just…well, Megan.  And sometimes understanding Megan was like the Rubik’s Cube.  You just had to put all the little pieces in the right direction and the puzzle was solved. 

“Really?”  Megan looked confused.  “I thought I’d been rather charming!” 

“You were charming during dinner.  It was before that you were less than charming.”

”What?  When you two were making out in the living room?”

“Yes!”

“You were faking it!”

“I was not!  At least, not the whole time!”

“Oh yea, right!”  She snorted.

“Seriously!”

“And I’m Eleanor Roosevelt!”

“Well, you’re UGLY enough!”

“What?!?!”  She huffed, putting her hands on her hips. 

“You heard me Mrs. Roosevelt!”

“You are such a brat!”  She was yelling now, redness coming to her face. 

“Bitch!”

“Lesbian whore!”

“Het whore!”

We looked at each other and began to giggle.  Then the giggles turned into real laughter that quickly went to full out guffawing.  We moved closer and hugged each other, rocking each other while our bodies shook with laughter.

“What is going on in here?”  Tree came in, her face an obvious question, with Madeline following close behind. 

This only made us laugh harder.  “She’s a het whore!”  I said, pointing at Megan, even my hand unsteady through the laughter.

Two sets of eyes opened wide at my statement.

“And she’s a lesbian whore!”  Megan said, pointing at me, her finger a little more steady than mine had been.

Tree looked at both of us and shook her head.  “You would think that the two of you could come up with some new insults.” 

“They do this often?”  Madeline asked dryly, pretending we weren’t even there.

“Every now and again.  Something gets up their asses and they decided to throw insults at each other until they get to those particular two, and then they end up laughing their heads off.”

“Hmmm…Do you think there’s any hope for them what-so-ever?”  Eying us as though we were under a microscope, Madeline turned to Tree with her question.

“No, I think they’re pretty hopeless.”  Tree said, shaking her head sadly.

“If we’re hopeless than what does that make the two of you?”  Megan asked and we looked at them with our hands on or hips.

The two of them looked at each other, and shrugged.  “Hopeful?”  Madeline finally said, moving her eyebrows suggestively.  I immediately felt myself get warm at what the implications of that could mean. 

“That can be arranged,” Megan said, her yes focused on Tree as she sashayed toward her partner and proceeded to rub up against her suggestively.

I had to force myself to look at Madeline, surprised to see her standing right in front of me.  Once again she moved her eyebrows at me and my arms grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close, deciding that holding back wasn’t an option anymore.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Around midnight, I realized that I hadn’t seen David all day. 

“He’s in Reno,” Megan told me when I mentioned it to the group.

“As in Nevada?”  That’s a long way for him to wander.

“Yeah, he had some kind of queen contest there this weekend.” 

“He did?”  I was puzzled, not remembering him saying anything about it.

“Yup.”  Tree started to snort a bit, appearing to be holding in laughter, despite her wife’s nonchalance.

“And how exactly do you know that Megan?”  There was something going on here.

“It’s all in the note he left you on the refrigerator,” she said, giving me a shit eating smile.

Everyone laughed loudly, including me.  It had been too good of a night to waste it on getting mad at my own stupidity.  “Good thing someone read the note, otherwise I’d have had to call Jacob.”

“Who’s Jacob?”  Madeline asked from her position between my legs.  Her back was facing me and I had her pulled close, enjoying the feeling of being close to her at last. 

“Jacob’s on the police force in town, but he’s also a raging, closeted queen.”  Tree took a drink from her wine glass.

“So, why not just call the police, why call him?” 

Megan, Tree and I shared a glance.  I had to remember that Madeline hadn’t lived an alternative lifestyle since college.  “A lot of times when you call the cops regarding someone from the gay community you aren’t taken all that seriously.  Jacob is really a blessing in disguise.”

“Yeah, a pink frilly dress!”  Megan cracked and we all shared a laugh.

“Things haven’t changed at all, have they?”  Madeline said sadly.  I kissed the back of her neck. 

“Sure they have, it’s just slow in coming.”  I tried to reassure her.  The last thing I needed now was for her to get cold feet just because society as a whole hadn’t become more open to same sex relationships.  The security of her marriage to Monte would be lost if she left him.  Assuming that she would leave him.  There was so much to talk about, so much to get figured out.  And yet, I was desperately afraid to push her, afraid that she’d turn around and run.

Shivering slightly, Madeline just pushed herself further against me, pulling my arms tighter.  I held on as tightly as I could, knowing that I couldn’t give her up now.  The drug that she was had laced my blood system, drawing me in and enticing me until I could only crave on thing and that was her.  And despite our situation, I knew that this was what I had always craved.  This all-consuming love for another person; this need to just be drawn within another being and accepted there. 

“You ready to get going babe?”  Tree stretched, yawning widely.  It had been a fun night filled with gentle teasing and playful banter.  But it had to end at some point. 

Retuning her yawn, Megan rose to her feet.  “Yeah, we should probably get going.  I still need to finish that design by Monday.”

“You’re working this weekend?”  I asked, surprised.  Normally they worked hard during the weeks so that they could play hard over the weekends. 

“Yeah, it’s a special job for the new AIDS hospice they’re opening.  We’re doing some pro bono work, but it still has deadlines, as you well know.”  Megan rolled her eyes and I grunted in agreement.  We’d all tried to do what we could for the gay community by using our professional skills.  Sometimes the work was harder than the work we were paid for, but the sense of being able to do something positive overcame it all.

I untangled myself from Madeline so that I could give both Megan and Tree hugs before they left.  Megan surprised us all by pulling Madeline into a tight hug, and whispering into her ear before they left. 

Closing the door behind them, I faced the door with trepidation, afraid to turn around and face Madeline alone.  It had been such a wonderful night and I didn’t want to see it end.  Two arms came up behind me, wrapping around my waist pulling me into Madeline’s body. 

I closed my eyes and savored the moment before turning around in her arms.  “Do I want to know what she said to you?”

“Who?” Madeline said, her eyes going wide in innocence. 

“Megan.”  I wasn’t going to let it go.  I wanted to make sure that my best friend was behaving herself.  I knew that when it was my heart at stake, Megan was going to be every bit the overbearing mama bear.

Madeline’s face flushed slight and she dropped her arms.  Walking a few feet away, she said “Oh.  She told me to follow my heart.”

“She said that?”  It didn’t sound like the usual Megan comment.

“Yes.”

“What is your heart saying Madeline?”  I walked the short distance between us and lifted her chin with my hand.  “What is in your heart?” 

Her blue eyes filled with tears as they met mine and I felt something inside of me ache.  “You.  You are in my heart.”  It sounded so simple and yet it opened up my entire world, leaving me a mere spectator in life, looking out onto the vision of what was all my own.

I leaned over, my whole body trembling, and gently kissed her, needing an instant connection with her that act as a balm to the burning I felt in my soul.  “You are my heart,” I whispered as I pulled away.

Instead of the smile that I expected, I was met with more tears and soft cry of anguish.  Madeline’s hands came up and covered her face as she cried.  Gathering her in my arms, I led her to the couch and sat down, holding her tightly.  “Why are you cry, darling?”  I repeated over and over again, desperate to know what her tears were for.

“How can you say such things to me?”  She demanded, her voice harsh.  “I can bring you nothing but pain!”  Her cries became ragged and choking.

“What do you mean?  How will you bring me pain?”  I was feeling something in me build, a weight of fear threatening to drown me.

“I’m married Fox.  To a very possessive man.  He’s not just going to let me go.”

“But…but you said that he treated you well?”

“Yes, he treated me well, but don’t you see?  There was never any threat, there was never anything there to try to take me from him.”  She cried some more, her tears flowing in wide paths down her face.  “Fox, I don’t have anything.  I haven’t worked since college, I don’t have anything that’s my own!  And if I leave him for another woman…he’ll make sure that I won’t have anything.  He’ll take it all from me.  Where will I go, what will I do?”

Now I understood.  She was afraid, and rightfully so.  But she had underestimated me.  “You’ll come and be with me.”  I told her simply, wiping at her tears with my hand. 

“But…but –“

I silenced her with my fingers on her lips.  “No buts Madeline.  I guess I haven’t made myself clear enough.  I want you with me.  I want you here, in my life, with me for the rest of time.  I don’t care if you come with only the clothes on your back; I want you here with me.  We will manage everything else, I promise you.  Once you’re here with me, we’ll figure everything else out.”

“Oh Fox…” she cried softly, leaning her head against my shoulder.  “I feel like I was dead inside and now I’m coming alive after a very long winter.  Every part of my being hurts from coming back alive and yet I know that I cant’ go back to being dead.  I can’t even try to pretend that I don’t love you Fox, because God help me, I do.  I don’t even know how or why, but I love you.  I feel it inside of me and it’s dying to be free.”

I held her close, unsure of what to say, or what to do.  I wanted desperately to tell her not to go back, to just stay with me and live with me.  Forget about her marriage and the house, and whatever else was attached to it, be with me.

But I think what scared me the most inside was that I knew that even if she chose not to leaver her marriage, I would still want to be with her.  I would live that lie and that life if she asked me to.  And I prayed to every god that existed that she would not ask me that.  I felt weakened knowing that I was helpless to stop that course of action.  I desperately did not want to be the mistress of this marriage, despite the need I had inside of me for her.

“Help me Fox.  I need your help.”

“How…what can I do to help you?” 

“Help me leave my marriage Fox.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When I woke up the next morning, my body was entwined around Madeline’s, our forms fitting perfectly together.  She was still sleeping, her face youthful and peacefully while she slept.  Her clothes from the night before were wrinkled from having been slept in, but she looked amazingly comfortable and wonderfully right.

As I looked at her, I felt numerous emotions rush through me, leaving me almost queasy from their intensity.  Just as I thought I was going to get sick, beautiful eyes opened and even filled with sleep, found me.  “Hi,” she said, her voice thick and scratchy with sleep. 

“Hi,” I managed to get out, wanting to say more, but my mouth was suddenly dry.

Smiling at me, Madeline started to stretch, her body rubbing against mine, sending shots of electricity through me.  She ended the stretch with a very cute yawn, giving the over all impression of a cat.  Then her blue eyes were back on me, this time the hazy of sleep absent.  “I have to admit, this wasn’t how I planned our first night together.”

I had to laugh with her.  This wasn’t how I’d planned it either.  “So, you’ve planned our first night together?”  A smile grew on my face slowly.   I wasn’t shocked as I would have been before now.  We’d spent the night talking and getting to know one another and I felt much more comfortable with her.  Not only did I know that I was meant to be with her, but I also had found myself liking her as a person.  She was immensely intelligent and had an amazing sense of humor. 

“Well, yeah…” she trailed off, her lips turning into a sly smile.  “Actually, I’ve been planning it since that first time you kissed me.”

I gathered her in my arms and held her close to me, spooning myself behind her.  “That was awhile ago,” I said into her ear, unable to resist the urge to bite her soft lobe gently.  I felt the shiver run through her body.  We’d come to an agreement about making love, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t have a little fun.

She turned in my arms, facing me.  “You are so evil!  You know, I used to think that you were sweet and shy.  Now I know differently.”

“Oh you do, huh?”  I leaned down and began to nibble at her neck. 

“Oh yea,” she said in a half moan, half whisper.  With a light shove, she pushed me away.  “You are a lecherous woman!”  She wiggled down so that she could lay her head on my chest, snuggling into my shirt.  “You smell good.”

I moved my hand up to caress her back.  “So, I’m a letch who smells good?”

“Pretty much.” 

We both grew silent, neither of us feeling the need to speak.  I was enjoying just having her with me.  She’d have to leave eventually.  I sighed.

“Do you regret it?”  Her voice came softly from where she was laying on my chest.

“Regret what?” 

“Deciding to wait?” 

I gave this a minute of thought.  We’d both decided last night that we’d wait until she was completely free before we made love.  It wasn’t an easy decision and there had been times during the night that I had been tempted to throw it to the wind, but we stood fast and didn’t let our passions overcome us. 

“No, I don’t regret it.”  I told her honestly.  But I did desperately wish that the situation were different.  I wish that she were free to mine today, last night, yesterday, and tomorrow.  “I told you last night, I will wait for you forever.”

It was her turn to sigh.  “It’s just not right for you to have to wait for me.”  She voiced what I was thinking perfectly.  No, it wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair at all.  “Fox?”  She murmured into my chest, making the skin under her mouth warm and alive.

“Hmmm?”

“I don’t want to wait,” she said in a petulant tone.  I laughed out loud as I imagined her as a child, bottom lip sticking out, trembling with emotion.  She started to laugh too, her body shaking against mine as she did. 

As we quieted down and regained our breath, I lifted her face up and looked into it, stunned by the beauty I found there.  I leaned over and gently kissed her lips.  “Madeline, I would like nothing better than to make love to you.”  I kissed her again, lingering for a minute.  “But I want you to be all mine.  I don’t want to share you in any way.”  And even as I said this, my body was screaming, telling me to forget doing things the right way, to take her as she was at this moment.

“Are you sure about all of this?”  She stroked my cheek softly. 

“I’m more sure about this than I have been about anything in my life.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As tempting as showering with Madeline was, I knew myself well enough to know that my hands would not obey my strict resolve to wait.  God, it was hard.  I really wanted her in such a base, sexual way that I knew holding back would not happen.  So, instead I offered her the shower first, getting out towels for her and showing her where the soaps and everything were. 

With an inward sigh, I watched as the bathroom door closed behind her, trying not to let my imagination run rampant with images of Madeline naked.  Shaking my head, I realized that I needed to focus my attention elsewhere. 

Sitting down at the desk in my office, I turned on the computer, dusting the screen off with my sleeve.  Sighing yet again, I sat down and waited for the machine to boot up.  Clicking on Outlook Express, I first checked my work email and then my personal email.  While I clicked through the messages, I found my mind wandering into the bathroom, and then the shower stall.

“Fox, you’re a goner,” I said out loud, chastising my inability to loose myself in something. 

Just as I thought I would drive myself insane, I heard the bathroom door open.  Closing down the mail program, I shut down the computer and stretched in the chair.  Rising slowly, I pushed the chair back and took a minute to breath.

Putting one foot in front of the other, I went to the bathroom and took a deep breath, smelling the steamy air and the clean scent of soap and Madeline.  Oh yes, I was a goner.  Walking through the door, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw Madeline there, wearing nothing but the towel I’d given her.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry, I thought you were done and that I could take my shower now and I didn’t know that you were still in here and so naked!”  I rambled along, not realizing what I was saying till I came to the work naked.

Wearing an amused smile, Madeline tipped her head to the side.  “You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“Shuddup,” I mumbled, feeling the tips of my ears getting warm.

“And for the record, I’m not naked.  Although I could be soon..” she trailed off, tugging at the towel teasingly.

I felt myself getting warm all over again and felt just a bit of anger at her incessant teasing.  “I’ll wait in the study till your done,” I said turning on my heel and leaving.  I was angry at her, angry at myself, angry at the world and it’s way of dealing unfair hands left and right.  I felt like I was playing poker with Uno cards.  I just couldn’t catch a break no matter what. 

Pulling the chair out again, I sat down heavily, putting my hands over my face and rubbing at my eyes with the heels of each hand.  Why couldn’t I be a cad?  Why couldn’t I just take advantage of the situation and be happy with myself?

I knew the answer, but I didn’t have to like it.  I wanted more with Madeline than just a one night romp.  I wanted more from her than just a quick roll.  I wanted a life with her and I felt in my heart that to have that, I needed to do this the right way.  And for me, the right way was the way that my moral heart and conscious dictated. 

I sat there for awhile before I heard light foot steps approach. 

“I’m done now Fox,” Madeline said softly.

I got up and started to head toward the bathroom. 

“Wait, please?”  She asked, her voice tentative and shy.

I stopped and waited, my eyes focused on some non-existent spot in the hallway beyond the door.  I really didn’t want to talk to her at the moment.  I was too frustrated with myself, her and life; not necessarily in that order. 

With a strong hand she turned my head so that I was looking at her.  She starred into my eyes, her eyes looking at me with unshed tears.  “I’m so sorry Fox.”

I lowered my eyes for a moment, gathering my thoughts.  “When I was little I once saw a butterfly that had the most beautiful wings.  These weren’t ordinary wings.  They were long and elegant, filled with magical colors that made my eyes water when I looked at them. Everyday for an entire week I watched this butterfly, wanting so badly to just reach out and touch it.  I felt that if I could touch it just once, I’d inherit from it some of its beauty and purity.  Even as a child I always wanted to find something that was bigger than myself.  Anyway, every day I watched it until I finally I felt the need to reach out and touch it.”  I stopped for a minute, swallowing before I finished.  I’d never tried to put this story into words before.  I found that even though it had been a long time since it happened, it was still painful.  “When I touched it, its…its wing came off in my hand.  And at that moment I realized the horrible thing I’d done, all to satisfy my own need.”  I closed my eyes.  “I don’t want to ruin what could be something beautiful by giving into my own needs again.”

The air around me was still and with my eyes closed, I wondered if I was alone.  But I knew I wasn’t.  I could feel her there with me.  It was like how I knew that my hand was at the end of my arm, or my foot at the end of my leg.  It was instinctual.  And for a moment I wondered if I would ache and itch, the way a body part did after it was amputated, if I were separated from Madeline.  Which body part would hurt the most from a surgical like separation from her?  I knew it was that part of me that pounded within my chest, reminding me that I was indeed alive.

Then I felt a hand, flat against that very part of me, and I knew it was her.  She touched me gently, almost afraid of breaking me.  “I’m so sorry Fox.  I was being selfish.”  Her voice was choked, and as I opened my eyes I saw the tears I knew would be there.  And beyond those tears I saw the pain within her.  The pain that I’d witnessed that first day I’d seen her. 

“Why are you crying?”  I was bewildered, feeling helpless to understand her pain or to sooth it.  I wrapped my arms around her, letting her cry into my shoulder, whispering the age-old words of comfort into her ear even as the sobs lessened and she tried to catch her breath.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Fox, I’m so sorry.”  She sobbed, her entire body shaking all over again.  “I just…it’s just…” she took a deep breath, steadying herself.  “I had forgotten how…soft and warm…a woman’s body was.  I had thought that I’d never feel that again and now…” She looked up with liquidy eyes, searching my face for something.  “You’ve given me such hope.”  With a shaking hand, she reached up and tentatively touched my face.  “I guess I’m just…giddy.”  She gave me a small smile. 

“Oh baby…” I pulled her tighter, enjoying being able to hold her without fear or reservation. 

The doorbell rang, startling us both.  “I’ll go see who it is,” I said, giving her a smile and a light kiss.  She smiled back and nodded silently.

I walked down the stairs in cloudy haze, smiling at myself as I unlocked the door.  As soon as I had opened the heavy oak door, I kicked myself for not having looked through the peephole first. 

Annie stood there, her willowy body leaning against the porch rail, a ghostly smile on her face.  Seeing her there, with that particular smile on her face, brought back a flood of memories.  Memories that I wanted no part of and yet, I didn’t seem to have a choice about it as they washed over me, like the tide, continuing to barrage my mind.  That smile.  That was the smile I first saw on her, which I first entered her office.  That smile that told me there was warmth and charm there. 

And it was all a lie. 

Someone who had warmth and charm wouldn’t have left me without a word. 

Someone with warmth and charm wouldn’t be on my doorstep 9 years later, waiting for me to let her in.

“Hey baby,” she said to me, her smile growing larger, but for the first time I noticed that her smile didn’t reach her eyes.  Moving forward with purposeful strides, she approached me, coming so close that I had to actually back up through the doorway to avoid her touching me.  I realized that had been her goal.

“Where do you want me to put…” Madeline’s words froze as she saw Annie, her movement down the stairs halted.  “…My towel.”  She finished with a murmur, the sentence no longer a question.

“Um, you can hang it over the rod, that’s fine,” I said, trying to act nonchalantly. 

Unfortunately, Annie was watching the encounter with the eyes of a hawk.  She took in Madeline’s slightly rumpled clothing and the wet towel hanging limply in her hands.  Moving her head to look at me, she smirked, a nasty thing that left me cold. 

“Well, what a surprise we have here.”  She said, clucking her tongue against the roof of her mouth.  “Mrs. Sullivan, what a pleasant surprise.  Is Monte here as well?”  She craned her neck to look behind Madeline on the stairs.  Not getting an answer, she chuckled.  “No, of course he isn’t, is he?”  Annie didn’t’ expect an answer. 

“What do you want Annie?”  I asked, my voice even.  I felt something icy run through me as her eyes met mine.  I steeled myself so as not to fall to her cruel touch.

“Same thing I’ve always wanted, Fox.  You.” 

And it was as if we were the only two in the room.  Madeline was safe on the stairs, away from Annie’s menace, which was clearly directed only at me.  I circled around her, not breaking eye contact, knowing that if I did, she would assume it was a victory. 

Laughing, I smiled at her.  “You know, you keep saying that, but you seem to forget that you were the one who left me.”

Her eyes narrowed.  “Is that what this is about?  The fact that I left?” 

“You might not have thought it was a big deal, but it meant the world to me.”  I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting to hear her defense. 

 She approached me with the steady gait of a jungle cat, her eyes focused only on me.  Lifting her hand, she brought her finger to my face.  I didn’t flinch as she brushed it across my cheekbone, sweeping the digit under my chin, and then over my lips.  Licking her own lips, she appeared in some sort of trance, her body radiating desire and hot sexual tension.  

It was when my eye caught sight of her hand that close up that I saw something that I couldn’t let pass.  I grabbed her hand and stilled it.  Thinking that I was encouraging her, she purred slightly as she pressed against me.  Her hand was so bony that her skin seemed to be barely stretched over the bones.  The skin was ashy white, looking weathered and old. 

“What the fuck is going on Annie?”  I said in disgust, pushing her away from me.  I peered into her eyes and saw the evidence for myself.  “What are you on?”

Anger replaced the desire she’d been emanating.  “Oh what, like you’re some kind of saint Fox?  We did drugs together, remember?” 

“Pot Annie.  Weed.  We smoked weed on a few occasions.”  I pointed to her hand.  “But that’s harmless compared to whatever you’re doing now.” 

“No, pot just opens the door, darling.  It’s just getting you ready for bigger and better things!”  She sneered at me.  “Much better things.”  Her eyes suddenly glazed over and she got quiet.  “It’s amazing what you can do with just a little.  Everything is better, including sex.”  She moaned softly.  “I can’t tell you how good it feels.  Fox.  Fox…” It appeared as though she were going out of focus.  “I used to imagine I was having sex with you when I was with others.  I knew, I KNEW that if I could just get one more chance that you’d see what I’m talking about.”

“Annie, it’s too late,” I said quietly, feeling pity for this woman that stood before me.  Whatever world she was in, it was not reality.  Reality was that this woman was standing in my entry way and I had to figure out a way to get her out of my house.  Calling the cops crossed my mind, but I wanted to see if I could just get her to leave.  “Annie, now’s not a good time, okay?”

Her eyes focused on me again, narrowing in anger.  “Yea, I see you’re busy.”  She looked pointedly at Madeline on the stairs. 

Something within me was desperate to defend my love.  There was nothing wrong going on here and I didn’t like it at all that Annie was insinuating that there was.  Sure, we were plotting the end of Madeline’s marriage, but we had not done anything wrong. 

“Listen Annie, you need to leave.”

“What?  You don’t want me here?  Is she giving you what you need?”  She sneered, once again moving toward me purposefully.

“Yes Annie, I give her what she needs.”  A voice I barely recognized, stronger than I’d ever heard it before, came from behind us.  I turned around slowly, feeling as though I was in slow motion.  I saw the woman I’d known for a lifetime and yet hadn’t known at all, walk slowly down the rest of the stairs, her eyes focused on Annie, blazing with a new quality that, while I didn’t recognize it, turned me on like nothing else.  Goddamn!  What a woman!

Madeline’s stride did not halt until she was eye to eye with Annie.  Despite the fact that Annie was a few inches taller, Madeline’s indignation made her seems leagues bigger.  It radiated from her with no end in sight.  Hands in fists at her sides, arms ramrod straight, she growled at Annie.  “Listen to me, I’m not going to repeat myself.  You don’t belong here anymore.”  Flecks of jealousy flew off her words, scattering into the air and penetrating us all.  “She doesn’t belong to you anymore.  Nothing you do or say will change that because, in the end, she will not change her mind.”  She paused a minute and took a deep, cleansing breathe.  “Now, get the fuck out of this house or we will call for someone to escort you out of here in shiny, silver handcuffs.”  Madeline’s face went blank, the anger fading quickly, replaced by a serene expression.  “Then again, you’d probably enjoy that too much,” she said in such a casual voice that she could have been talking about something as boring as going to the grocery. 

Moving to the door, she held it open and gestured firmly for Annie to leave.  An exit could not have been better planned.  I barely held back my smile as Annie, mouth open, moved forward automatically.  Once Annie had crossed the threshold, Madeline slammed the door shut, carefully locking both the doorknob and the deadbolt, and then turned and leaned her back against the door, facing me. 

Her blue eyes caught my own and I grinned at her before sweeping forward and putting my arms around her. 

“Sorry,” she said into my neck, her warm breath tickling my sensitive skin there.  “I just couldn’t stand there and watch anymore.”  She sighed and put her head on my shoulder. 

The laugh that came from me surprised me almost as much as it surprised Madeline.  It was a laugh that came forth from my belly and ripped up to my mouth before hitting the air with surprising resounding force.

“God, you’re wonderful!”  I said, still laughing in an immediate reaction to what had happened.  Almost like a nervous tick, the laughter kept coming. 

Madeline put her arms around me and rubbed my back until my restless laughter subsided.  Taking slow breaths, I pulled away and gave her a shaky smile.

“Are you okay?” She asked softly, lifting my chin with a light pressure from her hand.  I looked into her eyes and read the concern there, wondering, not for the first time, why she loved me. 

Unconsciously I ran a hand through my hair, taking another slow breath, letting it out loudly.  “That was just weird,” I finally said.  “I’m sorry you had to be here for that.”  I laughed ruefully.  The best night of my life was now combined with a walking, moving, living nightmare.  What had I done in a previous life to deserve THIS?

Rubbing the back of my neck, Madeline hushed me.  “You didn’t know Fox.  It’s not your fault.”  Her hand on my skin caused wonderful warm tremors to run through me, making it vaguely hard to concentrate.  “Was she…” Madeline paused hesitantly, “…always like this?” 

I looked at her wearily.  “You mean was she always a drugged out bitch?”  Madeline nodded sheepishly at my blunt question.  I sighed.  “No.”  A bitter laugh left my mouth.  “She hardly ever drank when we were together, and we did the occasional social joint, but that was it.”  I tried to remember any indications during our time together that would even hint at drug use.  But I couldn’t remember any.  It had been a long time ago though and, like it or not, I had been naive when it came to things like that.  Life around me had given me an unwelcome understanding of addiction and how it plied on people’s weaknesses. 

The thoughts of human weakness saddened me enough that I pulled Madeline even closer, tucking her head under my chin, needing to feel her close to me. I could try to deny my need, but it was fruitless.  Trying to deny my need for Madeline at this point would be like trying to breath through my ears.  It was as all encompassing as anything in my life had ever been and I suspected ever would be.

Seeming to understand my need and not questioning its intensity, Madeline just let her arms hold me close and offer me the comfort and security I’d never known, but had always looked for in every person I met.  Sighing, I smiled ruefully to myself.  Of course, it had taken an incident like this to show me I’d found it.

“Do you want to talk about it?”  She asked softly, her hand keeping a constant motion on the nape of my neck.  I felt like purring in response.  My heartbeat had slowed down to reasonable pace and I no longer could hear my blood rushing through my ears as it had been a minute ago.

Did I want to talk about it?  No, I didn’t.  I wanted to be held and to forget everything that had just happened.  I want to live in a human VCR with the capability of rewinding the last part of my life to where it had been. 

”How long…can you stay?”  I had started to ask how long Monte would be gone, but I couldn’t bring his name into this.  I wanted to pretend like he didn’t even exist.  The added pressure of thinking of Madeline’s absent husband was more than I could bear.

She thought for a minute and I could tell she was trying to figure out first what day it was and second what day Monte would be back.  “I need to be back by tomorrow afternoon,” she finally said, a smile growing on her face.  “Do you mind…I mean, would it be okay if…argh!”  She growled in frustration, and I smiled, taking it into my hands.

Pulling back, I took both her hands in mine and looked into her eyes sincerely.  “Madeline, would you please stay here with me tonight?” 

She blushed and gave me a sweet smile of pleasure.  “I would love to stay with you tonight, and, soon, for the rest of time.”  She finished quietly, looking at me with emotional eyes that tore through my skin and bones, and left me with only my heart beating. 

Without a word, I stretched my hand out to her, waiting tremulously for her hand to reach mine, feeling as though a lifeline was being formed and bonded.  There was no hesitation as her hand fit smoothly into mine, a jolt of something belonging to the earth, the heavens, and the stars above rang through us both and we smiled at each other like childhood friends who had a secret that was to be treasured and kept. 

With sure strides, we climbed the stairs, together regardless of the inevitable difficulties ahead, and headed to my bedroom, closing the door behind us, sealing us off from the rest of the world.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I led her to the bed, sitting her down and then standing between her legs, my hands on her shoulders.  She looked up at me with large trusting eyes that seemed to see straight into my soul.  I leaned down and kissed her gently, her hands coming up to my waist, pulling me closer.  She hungrily played with my mouth, infusing our connection with torturously sharp waves of pleasure.  Deep in my abdomen I felt a pull of desire that urged me forward.  Despite that desperate pull, I slowed our kiss until I could gently pull away. 

Breathing hard, Madeline put her head against my hip, holding me to her tightly.  In my own chest my heart was beating hard, threatening to break through skin and bone.  The moment was infused with fire and electricity, both of which surged through my body, burning everywhere they touched.

A few moments passed as we both collected our breath and our thoughts.  I knew that all my posturing and my attempts to wait had been obliterated when Madeline had come down and claimed me in front of Annie.  And now all that was left was for me to act on these changes. 

That was a thought that scared me.  The first time with anyone was always nerve racking, but this wasn’t just anyone.  This was the woman I’d been waiting for and looking for all of my life. 

I pulled away from her.  She looked up at me, her large eyes soft in her own desire, her lips full and inviting.  And I knew that this would be a life altering moment in both of our lives. 

My hand shook as I reached out and cupped her face, my thumb running lightly over her lips, a soft moan leaving my mouth and filling the air around us, igniting a new feeling of need and desire that pulsed through the electrified air.  I found myself pushing Madeline down into the bed, my hands finding a new life as they roamed her body. 

“Fox, are you sure…” She faded off, never finishing the sentence as I slid my hands under her shirt.  “Oh God, Fox…I’d forgotten…”

Lifting her shirt, I softly kissed the skin around her bra before carefully moving it aside and finding her nipple with my mouth.  Her body arched into me, her hands moving to my head as I continued to use my tongue to sweetly torment her.  Biting softly, her hips came off the bed, pressing into me. 

Using both arms to support myself, I lifted my head and looked at her.  “I want you Madeline.  I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone in my life.  I want to look back on this and have absolutely no regrets.”

Madeline looked at me, her eyes filled with tears.  “Are you sure?  I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.”  She bit her lip, even as her hands traveled over my back.  I knew that she wanted this as much as I did, but also knew that she was remembering what I had said before. 

“I assure you that I am exactly where I want to be doing exactly what I want to do.  I love you Madeline and I want to show you how much.”  I watched her carefully as I waited until she nodded at me, a smile transforming her face. 

Leaning down, I carefully kissed her lips, feeling their softness.  Shivers ran up and down my body as I felt her respond enthusiastically. 

Shedding clothes happened in a whirl as we both pulled and tugged the confines away from our bodies. 

When our naked bodies first met, the room spun as every molecule in our bodies came alive, causing our bodies to throb.  I briefly wondered if our bodies were visibly vibrating, but it soon was lost in the sensations at hand. 

As we alternately touched each other, I felt something happening inside of me that I’d never felt before.  I felt like I was almost floating above us, seeing our bodies intertwined, moving together.  The warmth that filled me took my breath away and seared through my soul, burning through every orifice and surface in me. 

And as I came, I felt white lightening shoot through me, causing my body to rise off the bed and into Madeline, searching for her touch while at the same time unable to endure anymore. 

Laying in bed afterward, both of us sated, the sweat still fresh on our now still bodies, I felt so contented and happy that I felt giddy, my heart beating erratically, my body twitching with aftershocks. 

I could still feel her under my hands; the softness of her consuming me.  Her warmth and wetness had made me moan when I first touched her, firing me further in my lust for her and my need to take her.    Thinking about it only fueled me.  Turning over so that I could see her, I began to take her again, knowing that I would never get enough of her, understanding finally that her hold on me was complete.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As we sat together on the couch in the living room, our hands entwined, I felt incredibly desperate fear fill me.  The last two days had been amazing; both the best and worst of my life.  And so much more than I had ever hoped for this soon; But now it was over.  Madeline had to get home so that she could be there when Monte came home.  Monte, her husband.  And I was her lover, only her lover, with only spoken promises, no wedding ring or certificate.  And, while I knew it wasn’t right to doubt her, or to blame her for our terrible timing, my fear made me wonder if she’d ever come back. 

It was a bitterness that caused vile from my stomach to find new residence in my throat. 

“Are you okay?”  Madeline caressed my hand, looking at me concerned.  I wanted to lash out and yell and scream and tell her that it wasn’t fair of her to leave me to go and meet her husband.  I wanted to tell her that I felt cheapened and hurt by her ability to leave me here, alone. 

“Yeah, sure.”  I mumbled, not looking at her.  I knew that if her blue eyes saw me that she’d see exactly what I was feeling, and that was something I did not want to get into. 

“You’re not okay,” she said firmly.  “What’s wrong?” 

What’s wrong?  Everything, anything.  Nothing.  What kind of answer could I give?  What could I say that I would let us get through this trial, one way or another? 

I could do this.  I had to do this.  I gave her a smile.  “I just don’t want you to go,” I said with a blush, trying to lightly play off what was tearing my heart in two.

“I don’t want to go either,” she said hurriedly.  “But I need to go and take care of this.”

Yeah, and how do I know when you’ll be back? I wanted to ask her.  How could I trust in something that seemed so impossible?  Would Monte talk her out of it?  Would she change her mind once she got back to her quiet, orderly life?  Would she see that living her heterosexual life wasn’t worth the hard lesbian life she’d be entering into? 

“I know,” I said, barely able to keep the bitterness out of my voice.  And, as I saw her stiffen slightly, I knew that she’s heard it. 

“Don’t you…I mean you have to…Fox, you need to trust me.”  Her voice shook, whether from anger, frustration, or fear, I couldn’t tell.

Rising abruptly, I pulled away, pacing restlessly.  “But…” I hesitated, unsure of what I wanted to reveal to her. Finally, I stopped, standing in front of her.  “Listen, I know you have to go.  And, when you’re ready, I’ll be here.”  My life would be on hold, my breath would be shallow, and my heart would hurt until I heard from her again.    But I would do that for what I knew we could have together, for what we already had shared.  

I attempted to smile, but unexpectedly tears came to my eyes instead. 

“It’ll be okay, I promise Fox.  You can trust me, I’m not going to hurt you.”  She rose and put her arms around me, holding me tightly against her now familiar body.  Memories of the night before, flashes of flesh and heat speed through me, giving me warm reassurance.  She’d felt it to; I know she had.  She would come back to me.  She was meant for me.

Pulling back, I found her mouth with mine, determined to sear myself into her with the heat of my kiss.  But as we continued to search each other’s mouth, I found that instead of me leaving my mark on her, she was leaving hers on me. 

Finally, we both pulled away, neither of us anxious to stop, but both of us knowing that time was no longer on our side. 

As I watched her walk out the front door to her car, I had a vision of myself running after her, stopping her from leaving.  But I knew I couldn’t do that.  She would have to come back to me on her own. 

“I love you,” I whispered to her as I watched her drive away, feeling a piece of my heart go with her.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The large house felt especially empty after Madeline left. Toto, being unusually quiet, was lying at my feet, looking sad and droopy.  The cats were somewhere sunbathing, and I was left alone with my thoughts. David probably wouldn’t be back till the end of the weekend.  He loved to travel and the queen shows gave him plenty of opportunity to visit all sorts of interesting places.  I found myself missing the sound of his voice, which I could usually hear through out the house.  I missed hearing his obnoxious laugh, usually followed by Dwayne’s deeper, chest rumbling laugh. 

But more than that, I desperately missed the woman who had spent the last two days with me.  I missed her presence, the soft smell of her perfume, the way I could feel her come into a room.  I missed her tinkling laughter and the way her voice made something deep inside me shiver.  Walking from room to room, I thought about her filling those rooms, making the longing in my heart hurt even more. 

Finally, I did the only sane thing I could do in the midst of the insanity filling my heart.  Grabbing my car keys, I left there as quickly as I could, needing to escape the oppressive feeling of desperate desolation. 

To say that I drove on autopilot was an understatement.  I don’t know how I got there, I couldn’t recall once I arrived.  Luckily, I knew the route in my sleep.  In a daze I got out of the car and walked up the unlighted walkway.  Obviously, no one was expected. 

I had no idea how late it was, the sun had gone down hours before, so it could have been really late.  Rather than ringing the doorbell, I knocked on the solid wood door.  It took a few minutes, but the outside light was turned on as someone looked out on me through the peephole.  I must have been accepted, because the door was opened and I was face to face with my best friend.

“Fox, what is it?”  Megan asked, concern etched across her face.  She reached out for me and pulled through the door. 

“Who is it honey?”  Tree called out from another room.

“It’s Fox,” she replied, giving me a second to contemplate what I had expected in coming here.  I needed something, something that was elusive to me.

“What’s wrong?”  She asked me, closing the door behind us. 

“She left me,” I said miserably, the tears pricking the back of my eyes. 

“Wait,” her voice was dangerously low.  “She…” Her face screwed up in emotion.  “That BITCH!”  She roared, and I immediately realized that I hadn’t been very clear in what I’d told her thus far.  Then again, she didn’t exactly give me much of a chance.

As I processed this, Megan was getting her coat on.  “Where are you going?”  I asked, thoroughly confused. 

“You’re going to take me to that bitch’s house and I’m gonna kick the shit outta her!”  Her face was turning an alarming shade of red.  “I told her, if she hurt you, I was going to come after her.”

“Wait!”  I yelled alarmed, putting my hands out to stop her from opening the door.  “No!  You misunderstood!  She didn’t leave me, leave me, she left me for tonight.”  And suddenly I understood why I’d come here.  I needed reassurance.  I needed someone to tell me that I was being ridiculous in doubting that Madeline would be back.  I guess what I didn’t realize was that I might be the one reassuring myself. 

“What does that mean exactly?”  Megan stopped her forward movement, allowing me to put my arms down.  She narrowed her eyes at me, waiting my explanation. 

“I mean, she went back to her own house, to her…” I couldn’t say it out loud. 

“Husband,” Megan supplied, her voice crammed with sarcasm.

“Uh, yes.  She’d spent the last two nights with me, and today she had to go back.”

“Wait!”  Megan put her hand up to stop my story.  “Does this mean you finally had sex with the woman?”

“Um yeah.”

“And you didn’t call me?”

“What, am I supposed to call you right after?”

“Yes!”

“You’re crazy!”

By this time we stood toe-to-toe, Megan’s head coming just below my chin, but she tilted her head so that she could glare straight into my eyes.  Tree came into the foyer, and found us just starring at each other. 

“What happened now?”  Tree said, a strain of exasperation in her voice. 

“Fox had sex!”

Tree looked at me, her eyebrows raised.  “Congratulations, Fox.” She said, sincerely before turning back to her partner.  “Now why are you so angry?”

“She didn’t tell me!”

“When did this happen, Fox?”  She turned her gaze to me.

“Last night!”

Turning back to Megan, she tried to rationalize.  “So, you’re upset because she had sex last night and didn’t rush out and tell you?” 

“Yes!”

Tree maneuvered her large frame between us, forcing us apart.  It took me a few minutes to be able to refocus my eyes after having been starring at Megan for such an extended period of time.  Taking Megan by the shoulders, Tree looked at her lover, eyes squinting as she examined Megan from head to toe.   “You don’t look ill.”  She did another quick sweep.  “So I have to wonder what made you suddenly turn into an insane monster?”  She said all of this in a light tone that didn’t seem to carry any weight, but it obviously had some kind of effect on Megan.  Her shoulders slumped and she closed her eyes. 

“Hey Megan, I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to tell you.  I came here as soon as she left my place.”

“No, I’m sorry.  I guess I just feel…” She looked at her lover pleadingly. 

“Tell her, sweetheart.  You’ll feel better to get it out.”  Tree gently caressed Megan’s face with her large hand.  Taking a deep breath, Megan nodded her head in quiet agreement.

“I should have told you before Spooky, but it’s kind of a hard thing for me to say.  Especially since I know how unhappy you’ve been lately.”  She looked around a minute.  “Let’s go into the other room and sit down and I’ll tell you what’s going on.” 

Tree took my coat from me and I followed a now subdued Megan into their family room.  She sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit next to her.  I did so, feeling very insecure.  What was going on?  I was more than a little worried about what was going on with Megan. 

I sat there and waited, impatiently, for Megan to begin.  She began twisting the bottom of her shirt in her hands in an obviously nervous gesture.

“Well, you know how you’ve always talked about finding that one woman who would complete you?”

Did I know?  Of course I knew.  I had always known that there would be one person out there that had been made for me.  I just hadn’t had any idea that it would be so hard.  “Yes,” I said slowly. 

“I never really…well, I never really believed what you were saying.  I guess I always figured that we were best friends and that was as close to anyone as you would get.  So, when Madeline came along, I thought it was like the others, you know?  You’d fall for them and then you’d realize that it wasn’t her.”

I nodded, understanding what she was saying.  I mean, I had thought I’d found her many times, but I was wrong.

“And now, I guess I realize that you’re really serious about this, and maybe she is the one you’ve been talking about all this time, and I guess…well, I guess I’m jealous.”  She finished softly, her face miserable.

“But honey, you’ve got Tree…” I was confused, looking back and forth between the two women.  “Why are you jealous?”

“No, I’m not jealous that you have found your other half, I’m jealous that you’re not going to have time for me anymore.  I’m gonna have to actually SHARE you with someone that matters!” And then I saw a tear escape from her downcast eyes, and my heart lurched.  She’d been my best friend, my sister, all my life.  I could not believe that she would think for a moment that that would change.

I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I pulled her into a hug, holding her close and kissing her head.  “Listen to me right now.  I am not going anywhere.  You are my best friend and you always will be.  No matter who comes into our lives, okay?”  I gave her a last squeeze and then released my hold on her.  She snuggled into my shoulder, sniffing quietly.  “I have to tell you M, I was kind of hoping that we could all be friends.  I mean, do you like Madeline?” 

It was kind of a baited question, but it was something I really wanted to know.  Megan looked up at me from where she was nested and smiled.  “Actually, I do kind of like her.”

“Why?”

“Well, for one reason, she doesn’t let you get away with anything!”  We both laughed. 

“That’s very true.”  I said, thinking of the way she’d always called me on everything, even when I just met her. 

“And, she likes to laugh,” Megan went on.  “And you know how I feel about laughing.”

“She has a beautiful laugh,” I said, remembering the way the sound of her laugh warmed me. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Megan waved her hand in the air, getting rid of my mushy sentiments.  “We all know, you loooooove her.” 

Tree sat down on the other side of us, putting her long arm over the back of the couch.  “Feel better now, boo?”  She asked, caressing Megan’s head. 

“Yeah,” she said, wrinkling her nose.  “I kind of feel silly.  Sorry Spooks,” she patted my hand.  “I guess I haven’t been very nice to Madeline.” 

“Nah, you’ve done pretty well.” 

“Well, I am still kind of worried about the two of you.”

“In what way?”

“I mean, she is married, ya know.  That’s dangerous territory for a lesbian.”  She looked up at me, squinting.  “Are you sure she’s the one?”

I looked down at her and raised my eyebrow.  “Do you really need me to answer that question?”

Giving a loud sigh, she shook her head, causing my arm to move up and down awkwardly.  “No, I’ve seen you two together, you don’t need to answer.  So, what are you going to do about the whole being married thing?  Have you two discussed it at all?”

Stretching, I unconsciously mimicked my best friend by wrinkling my nose.  “Yes, we talked about it.  She wants to leave her marriage.”

“To be with you?”  Megan asked carefully.

“Yes, to be with me silly!”

“When she going to do it?”

I fidgeted with my fingers, more than a little afraid of answering that question.  “Well, she left tonight.  I think she’s going to talk to him as soon as she can.”

Megan’s eyes narrowed and she sat up, moving away from the nook of my arm.  “You don’t know when she’s going to do this?”  She sounded suspicious, worrying me even more. 

“I mean, I assume she’s going to do it within the next couple of days.”

“What if he wants to sleep with her?  Is she going to say yes, or what?
  Her voice was harsh, and came out in angry spurts.  “You’re playing with fire Fox.” 

I was stunned at her tone of voice, wondering if she had read my thoughts from earlier or if she just knew me well enough to know how I would think.  The thought of Monte touching Madeline, my Madeline, made me sick.  “You don’t hold punches, do you?”  I choked out, afraid that I would get sick right then and there.

“God Fox, I’m just worried about you,” she said as she slumped against me.  We sat there quietly, even Tree stunned by Megan’s forthright manner. 

A myriad of emotions filled me, washing through my consciousness.  But, the reassurance I’d felt earlier did not leave me.  While the idea that Megan had mentioned made my skin crawl and my body hurt, I knew better.  And I had found that I did trust Madeline with not only my soul, but my heart as well.

Finally, with a sigh Megan stood up.  Turning around, she faced me.  “I’m sorry Fox, I shouldn’t have said that.”  She gave me a rueful smile.  “Guess I went to far even for me, huh?”

I shook my head.  “Always told you it would happen if you didn’t keep your big mouth closed more often.”

Sitting down once again, she looked up at me, her eyes big.  “Forgive me?” She asked, batting her eyes, letting her bottom lip slip out a bit. 

I looked at her hard, trying to stay mad at her, but it didn’t work.  “You know, you’re lucky I love you.”

“I know!” 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I left Megan and Tree’s late that night.  We had sat around, talking and laughing, reliving more stories than was probably healthy.  By the time I left, I was pleasantly tired and ready to go home and try to sleep.  Madeline was in my mind always, but my fears had been soothed by my own knowledge of what we shared. 

The dog and cats meet me at the door, putting a smile on my face as I entered the front door.  I was always amazed at how animals could make some place really feel like home.  They always were happy to see me, making me glad that I came home to them.  The only thing missing was having Madeline there with me. 

As I got ready for bed, I allowed myself to daydream.  Maybe Madeline and I could get a place of our own after we’d settled down a bit.  A house, or maybe a condo; someplace that we didn’t have to share with anyone.  I liked living with David, but I wanted a place to call my own, a home that I could create and share with Madeline.  I was smiling to myself as I had little thoughts of us picking out furniture together.  I wondered what kind of stuff she liked.  Traditional?  Modern?  I guess I’d find out!  At least I hoped I’d find out.  I hoped she didn’t like that Stickley shit.  I couldn’t stand that. 

I stopped as I was walking to my bedroom from the bathroom with a sudden thought.  Could she cook?  Wrinkling my brow, I started walking again.  I couldn’t cook.  At least, I didn’t think I could cook.  I mean, other than spaghetti and a few select dishes that I’d survived on over the years.  But, I mean, what would we eat every night?  I was planning on a lot of nights together, so that was a lot of meals!

Rubbing the side of my nose with my index finger, I had to wonder what it would be like to start a life with someone.  It had been awhile since I had embarked on an actually relationship, much less one that I knew would last.  I mean, it would have to last, wouldn’t it? 

Realizing I was still standing in the middle of the hallway, I continued on my way to my bedroom, finding the menagerie already on the bed, waiting for me to complete the setup.  I wondered how they’d adjust to having another person in the bed.  I wondered how Madeline would react to having the animals around!  The two nights she’d stayed over the animals had been good, staying away from the new person until they’d figured out her motives. 

There was so much to be worked out that I felt very overwhelmed.  Flopping into bed, realizing that the cats had to scatter out of the way, I put my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling.  I wondered how we would fair.   Growing pains could make or break a couple.  It would be hard, I knew that.  It’s never easy.  Relationships, with anyone, was difficult.  And this one was being started on the heels of a ruined marriage.  I wondered about what was in our future together. 

One thing I knew for certain though was that I would always love her the way that I did now – completely and totally.

And as I let sleep take me, I brought to my mind a picture of Madeline.  But for some reason it wasn’t the Madeline that had left me earlier.  This Madeline was at least 20 years older, the time evident in the soft lines around her face and the gentle gray in her hair.  And yet, as I gazed at this picture in my mind’s eye, I found her more beautiful and radiant than she was today.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dreams of Madeline were interrupted in the early hours of the morning.  I slowly woke up to a persistent sound that first invaded my dreams, becoming part of them, until the noise finally surpassed the dreams.  Waking, it took me a few moments before I realized that it was someone knocking at the front door.  Rather persistently. 

I looked at the clock and realized that it was only 3 am.  That meant I’d been asleep for about 3 hours.  Moaning with frustration, I swung my legs out of bed and got up.  My feet felt like they were made of cement as I trudged down the hall.  Somehow I slipped down the stairs, but end up on my feet, so I didn’t give it too much thought.  Finally ending up at the door, I tried to look through the peephole, but my eyes weren’t able to focus enough to see anything but blurs. 

“Who is it?” I croaked out as loudly as I could. 

“Madeline, it’s Madeline,” came the response.

With more haste than someone who had only slept for three hours, I opened the door, cutting myself in the process.  “Oww,” I said as the door opened, sticking my bleeding finger in my mouth.  Looking out, I saw Madeline standing there, her arms full of clothes. 

“Are you okay?”  She asked behind the mountain of clothes she was carrying. 

“Uh huh,” I answered automatically, feeling a bit of shock at seeing her. 

She suddenly looked a little unsure.  “Um, can I come in?”  She asked hesitantly. 

 I mentally slapped myself for my bad manners.  “I’m sorry, come in,” I said, moving out of the way.  “Here, let me help,” I grabbed some of the clothes, relieving her of the burdensome load. 

“There’s more in the car, but I guess they can wait till morning,” she said with a sigh.  We stood there in the entry way for a bit before I realized that she was waiting for me to tell her where to put her stuff. 

“Oh, sorry.”  I took some of the clothes from her arm, careful not to get any blood from my cut on it.  “ Come one.  I have an empty closet upstairs that you can use.”

I led her up the stairs to one of the unused rooms on my floor.  There were haphazardly stacked boxes here and there; an extra bed that had only been used once or twice, and a huge walk in closet that I didn’t think had anything in it.    I opened the closet door and checked, noticing the amount of dust on the top shelves, but it was otherwise empty.  I hung up the clothes I had, then reached for the ones in Madeline’s hands.  She gave me an exasperated look and hung the clothes herself. 

“Where are your first aid supplies?” She asked, grabbing my hand and looking at the cut on my finger.

“It’s nothing.” I protested, but she refused to accept that.  Truth was, it was kind of stinging. 

“Are they in the bathroom?  We need to make sure it’s cleaned out and then put a Band Aide on it.”

“Will you kiss if after?” I asked stubbornly.

“Yes, now where are the supplies?”  I pointed with my free hand to the bathroom and let myself be led there and promptly pushed down on the toilet.  Thank God the seat was down, but I figured that Madeline had seen that before she guided me that way.

She got out the hydrogen peroxide, a cotton ball, and a large Band-Aid.  With a tender touch she cleaned my cut, revealing the source of the blood to be a small scrape.  As she put the Band Aide on, I watched to see whether or not I’d get the kiss.  Sure enough, once the Band Aide was securely on, she bent her head down, her hair brushing the skin of my arm, and her mouth lightly touching the area that she’d tended to.

“There, feel better now?” She asked softly, a gentle smile on her face. 

“No,” I said with a pout on my face, shaking my head sadly. 

“Oh, does it hurt?” 

“Uh huh,” I put my bottom lip out further.

“Where does it hurt honey?”

I pointed to my lips. 

“It hurts here?”  She said, touching my lips with the tip of her finger.  I nodded.  “Let’s see what we can do about that.”  She leaned down and gently pressed her lips against mine in a soft, linger kiss that created fireworks in my mind’s eye.  “Better,” she asked in a husky voice that caused a ripple of pleasure to go up and down my spine. 

I nodded, not trusting my voice at this point.  I held both her hands in mine, lifting them to my lips, and kissing each finger individually before pressing the fingers to my face.

We stayed like that for a few minutes.  I had to gather myself to remember that she wasn’t supposed to be there.  I gently pushed her back so that I could stand up and put my arms around her, holding her in a close embrace.  I buried my face in her hair, smelling its soft scent.  Now that she was safely in my arms, I could ask the question.  “So, what happened?”

Sighing, she hugged me tighter for a second and then let me go.  I did the same, sensing she needed some space.  “Can we go and sit down somewhere to talk?”

“Sure.  Bedroom or living room?”  I was basically asking if it was okay to talk on the bed, or if she needed somewhere less intimate, like the couch. 

“Bedroom’s fine, I’m just tired and don’t want to stand anymore.”

This time I took her by the hand and led her to the same bedroom that we had made love with just 24 hours before.  I sat down and let her decide where she wanted to sit.  She curled up behind me, her body around mine.  Lying down, I let her spoon behind me, holding me to her.  I stroked the arm that was wrapped around my belly, feeling the content happiness that filled my body. 

“So, what happened?”  I finally asked.

“I told him.”  She said simply, kissing the back of my neck.

“What…exactly did you tell him?” 

“I told him that I wanted a divorce.”

“That’s it?”

“What else was I supposed to say?  That I’m in love with another woman and I didn’t want to be with him in any way, shape, or form?” 

In love with…did she just say that she was in love with me?  Did I hear that right?  “Did you…did you…” I stuttered, unable to finish the sentence.

“Did I what Fox?”  She sounded a bit upset, her voice sounding sharp.

“Sorry,” I said, bringing her hand up so that I could kiss it.  “I just thought you said that…that you were in love with…another woman.”

“Well, I am,” she made it sound simple, but it wasn’t at all simply to my mind.

“You are?” 

“Unless there’s something you haven’t told me about yourself,” she said with a chuckle. 

“I love you,” I said simply, snuggling back further against her. 

“I love you too,” Madeline said, nuzzling the back of my neck. 

“So, did he kick you out?”

Madeline pulled back and I imagine that she was staring at the back of my head rather intensely.  “Out of my own house?”  She asked incredulously.

“It’s not unheard of,” I said defensively.  “Woman comes home, says she wants out, man gets upset and throws her out.”

She laughed gently.  “Have you ever considered being a writer?  You have a wonderful imagination.”

“No, usually people just tell me I’m over thinking.”  I felt kind of frumpy and rather scorned at that point.

“Well, I prefer to think that you have a wonderful imagination darling.”  She snuggled closer again and licked my neck. 

“Did you just lick me?”  It felt like a tongue on my neck.

“Yes I did.”

“Okay,” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.  I’d never had my neck licked just for the fun of it.

“Anyway, things felt rather uncomfortable after that, so I decided that rather than staying there and feeling that way, I’d come here and be with you, which was where I wanted to be anyway.”  She stopped suddenly, then sat up.  “I’m so sorry.”  She sounded like she was going to cry.  “I never thought…I never stopped to consider…oh shit,” she said, standing up, looking around the room like a caged animal.

I got up quickly and approached her.  “Whoa, wait a minute, what are you talking about?”

She stopped her movement and faced me.  “I never thought to think that you might not want me here,” she said finally, her face crumpling in tears.

I gathered her in my arms as she cried, trying to sooth away her tears. “Of course I want you here.”

“But I should have assumed that you did…” She sniffled off.

 I rubbed her back with my hands. “I guess we have a lot to talk about, don’t we?”  She nodded into my shirt and I could feel the wetness from her tears, warm against my cooling skin. “Come on,” I said, pulling her back to the bed. 

We settled back on the bed, this time me behind her, holding her tightly against me.  “I guess that we’ve been doing all of this rather fast.  We’ve never really talked about plans.  I think we both have assumptions, but we really need to talk about them so that we both know what the other wants.”

Madeline nodded slowly.  “I guess I hadn’t really thought about what happens next, I just assumed….” She trailed off quietly.  “What do you want Fox?”

What did I want?  This was the question I had been answering since before I met her.  I knew what I wanted.  The question was, what did she want?  What if I told her what I wanted and she didn’t want the same thing, but felt forced to agree with me?  I didn’t want her to be with me because she felt she had no other choice.  I wanted her to know that she did have choices in this, but I also wanted to reassure her so that she knew that I wanted her.

God!  Relationships were so hard!

I took her hand in my own and held her close to me.  “I want you.  I want a life with you.  I want a new beginning, just the two of us.”  I took a deep breath.  “But I also want you to be happy.  I know that I can make you happy, but you need to believe it yourself.  And, if you’re not ready for any kind of commitment or anything….” I faded off, shrugging my shoulders.  I was pretty proud of myself; feeling like I’d accomplished my goal.  “So, I guess the question is, what do you want Madeline?”  And I held my breath in anticipation of her answer, feeling both fear and freedom, having laid my cards on the table; I was simply waiting for her response. 

“Does that mean I would move in here with you?”  Madeline’s voice held a tinge of fear, or something close to it. 

“Yes, if that’s what you want.”  I could offer her something else, just so that she knew her choices.  “Listen, that room where we put your clothes, it could be your room if you want.  There’s no pressure Madeline.  I want you to be comfortable.  If you’re not ready to jump into a relationship with me, I would understand.”  It would kill me, but I would understand. 

Madeline turned in my arms so that she was facing me.  She nibbled on her bottom lip as she thought.  “Well, what if I want to share this bed with you,” she thumped the mattress under us, “but I want to still have the other room so that I can put my stuff somewhere?” 

That was better than any of the choices I’d given her.  Of course she’d want some of her own space, but she still wanted to share a bed with me.  Yippie!

Trying not to show too much enthusiasm, I kissed the tip of her nose before murmuring “Perfect, sweetheart.”

I carefully pushed her back onto the bed and placed my body on hers.  My movements were slow and lazy; I wanted to love her for an eternity and I was planning on starting now.  With long, smooth motions, I took her clothes off piece by piece, my mouth claiming every area bared to me with a deliberate laziness that I knew would drive her crazy.  I knew this because it would do so to me. 

And as I made love to her, I felt the connection between us solidify; creating a solid bond that nothing in life could shake.  We may have trials ahead of us, but we would face them together and therefore we would be triumphant. 

My body sang when she finally touched me, writhing and twisting with desperation under her touch, singing her praises as she took me beyond any pleasure I’d ever experienced.  Yes, this was it.  This was her.  Finally, I was home. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We decided that it would be better if we waited till David and Dwayne came home to get Madeline’s stuff.  Monte knew me; so showing up at his doorstep with his estranged wife would not be a good thing.  While I was far from being ashamed of our relationship, I did want this to become a problem for me at work.  At least not yet.

“You want us to go and help Madeline move her stuff?”  David asked when we brought the idea to him.  Following introductions to a tired David and Dwayne, we’d all sat down at the kitchen table to discuss what came next.  “You mean like real, physical labor?”  He wrinkled his nose in our direction as he whined. 

“Come on honey, all you have to do is come and look good.  I’ll came Jamie and ask him to come and help me move anything too heavy.”  Dwayne rubbed David’s back with his hand; all the while he wore a smug smile. 

David immediately sat up straighter.  “No, I think I can help.  No problem.  When are we going over, Madeline?”  The abrupt change in his attitude startled both of us.  We looked at each other before Madeline answered.

“Um, I need to find a truck first, but as soon as I do, we can go on over.”  She recovered quickly.

“Hmmm…” David put a tapered finger to his chin and thought.  “I think I have an old friend who works at one of those moving storage places.  He might be able to get you a discount on a truck.”  He stood up and with a flourishing sweep of his arms, he grasped Madeline’s wrist and pulled her up.  “Come along darling, we shall go and find that number and arrange your transportation.”  David swept out of the room, Madeline still firmly in his grasp.  She gave me a surprised look and then they were gone. 

Dwayne held a look of fond amusement and I was reminded of his comment earlier.  “Who’s Jamie?”

Dwayne chuckled and turned toward me, his rugged features wearing a sheepish look.  “An ex of mine.  David hates him.”  We shared a laugh, knowing that jealousy was a universal emotion that surpassed both gender and sexuality lines.

I moved to clean up the counter and sink area, while Dwayne fiddled with his cup.  A half hour went by and I started to get nervous.  How long did securing a moving truck take? 

Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer; I went looking for them.  They weren’t on the first floor so I proceeded up to David’s floor.  As I headed up the stairs, I heard David’s voice, in his best story-telling tone, talking.  I stopped so that I could listen to what he was saying. 

“….she found her in bed with another woman.  It was horrible!  But, Fox didn’t bring her here, she rarely let her girlfriends come here.  She usually went to their place.  I think it was because then after they broke up she could come back here and not be reminded of them.  You know, less painful and all.  But the worst, honey, was Annie.  That woman messed her up bad.  At one point I wasn’t sure if she was ever really going to bounce back.  And then the other day, of course, we found out that Annie was back!  Girl, you should have seen how pissed Fox was!”

There was a muffled response that I figured must have been Madeline saying something, but I couldn’t hear her voice.  It didn’t ring through the Victorian’s walls like David’s did.  I think that he had worked for a long time to get his voice to just the right tone and pitch to be able to penetrate the walls in the house. 

Then she heard David laugh in response to whatever Madeline had said.  “You know, I think I like you!”  They laughed together, in a conspiratorial manner. 

“Are you two done talking about me yet?”  I yelled from my place on the stairs. 

The noise from the room above stopped instantly.  I could hear them whispering to each other as they tried to think of a cover.  “Don’t bother, I heard everything.”  I shouted again. 

“Then why are you still on the stairs?”  Madeline shouted back down at me, and I swear I heard them exchange a high-five. 

Good point, I thought to myself as I climbed the rest of the way up the stairs.  Walking into David’s office/closet I saw them sitting close to one another, smiling guiltily at me.  I put a stern look on my face and put my hands on my hips.  “What are you two doing, young ladies?”

“Nothing ma’am, just fooling around.”  David answered in a high falsetto that was bad even for him.

I looked at Madeline, scrunching up my face.  “Ewww…you’d fool around with a boy!”

Madeline rose from her seat dramatically and flung herself at me.  “I don’t know what happened!  Forgive me, my love, as I thought he was a woman!”  I caught her with a humph as she knocked the breath from me.

“Well, that’s okay then.”  Adjusting my hold on her, I leaned down and kissed her soundly on the lips, simply because I could.

“The truck will be available on Wednesday.  My friend, it seems, remembers me fondly enough that in exchange for a few tickets to my next show, he’ll let us use the truck for free, so long as we make sure we fill the tank before we bring it back.”  He took a loud breath as he finished his sentence with a smug smile. 

“Are you sure you don’t mind if I don’t go with you?”  I asked Madeline seriously, searching her eyes from any sign that disagreed with her words. 

“Fox, I understand completely, and I agree.  I think it’s better that we don’t let Monte know that I’m living with you, no matter in what capacity.”  She kissed me softly.  “I don’t want anything to mar our beginning together.” 

“So that means that Dwayne and I will go along for this gathering, and get all that is yours and bring it on home.”  With a smile, he came over and put his arm around both of us.

I was touched and happy by his unquestioning support.  I gave him a squeeze to show how much I appreciated him.  With friends like this, we would make it. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dwayne was able to get a half-day off on Wednesday from his job at the dairy farm.  I went to work as usual, but spent the entire day worrying about the moving.  Monte was in the office most of the day, so that helped me feel a little better.  At least they wouldn’t have him to contend with as well. 

When I got home it was well after 6 pm.  The lights in the house were on and the moving truck was gone, so I assumed that they were done.  Coming in the front door, I didn’t see any signs of change, so I further assumed that they’d managed to get everything up to the third floor.

There didn’t seem to be anyone downstairs, so I started up the stairs.  The chaos I’d unsuspectingly wandered into didn’t start until I’d actually reached the third floor.  Boxes were blocking the hallway at the top of the stairs.  I looked over the boxes and saw that the entire length of the hallway was filled with various objects, small pieces of furniture, and boxes, scattered haphazardly in piles of varying heights.   

I cursed the heels I’d put on that morning as I tried to climb over the first obstacle of boxes and found myself teetering, on the verge of falling back down the stairs. I grabbed at the wall to steady myself, and managed to stay upright. 

“Madeline!”  I called out, frustration creeping through my voice.

“Fox?”  Came muffled response from somewhere further up the hall. 

“I’m in need of some assistance please!”  This time I think that my frustration was more than creeping through; it was blatantly there. 

A few moments passed and I heard some muffled bumping and cursing before Madeline finally came out of her room.  Her hair was messy, but her eyes were shining.  “Hey honey, how was your day?” 

I stood there, my hands on the wall, holding me up, one heel caught in a box, and the other teetering dangerously on the edge of the landing.  All I could do was look at her, wondering if I had lost my mind, or if I was over reacting.  “Can you give me a hand?”  I implored as patiently as I could.

“Sure,” she offered me her arms and helped pull me over the boxes.  “Phew!  Sorry about that.  I’m trying to organize everything.”  She gave me an apologetic smile that melted my anger.  I couldn’t help but smile back at her.  Putting my arms around her, I felt my happiness running over. 

”How did everything go?” I asked as I nibbled on her soft earlobe. 

She leaned into me, her body pressing against me, causing me to feel delicious tremors of desire.  “Good.  We went in, boxed what we could, got it loaded and left.”  She turned her head and looked around, causing me to loose my hold on her ear.  “Guess I had more than I thought,” she said ruefully. 

I laughed, feeling a little nervous about the amount of things that littered my once sparse floor.  I had to think that this wouldn’t be for long that we’d get everything put away and our living space would be back to normal.  “Is there room for me up here?”  I said, only half joking.

Madeline laughed, rubbing my back with the palm of her hand.  “Don’t worry honey, you’re always gonna have room!” 

The gentle lilt of her voice combined with her touch on my back was more than I, as a human could handle.  I backed her against the wall and sought her lips with mine, needing to create in her the fire that was already flaming within me.  Her hands immediately found the hair at the back of my neck, pulling and tugging me closer and harder against her mouth.  A moan forced its way out of my mouth, filling the air with my need, echoed by Madeline’s own.

Even through my haze I heard a murmur from somewhere below and realized that discretion might be a good idea.

”Bedroom…. now,” Madeline got out between our heated kisses and I complied by backing away enough to allow her to move away from the way and then I pushed her backward into the bedroom.  Our bedroom. 

And then I stopped.  Even as I had entered the room, I could feel that something was wrong.  When I opened my eyes wider, I realized that the calamity that had befallen the hallway had also hit the bedroom.  But more than added items created the havoc in the haven that had always been my bedroom. 

Furniture had been moved.  The only thing that was in the right place was the bed.  Everything else had been moved, and new furniture had been added.  None of it matched, and none of it was where it should be!

Madeline noticed my sudden distraction and followed my gaze.  She moved away from me slightly, her movements suddenly stilted with nervousness.  “Um, I guess I should have asked if this was okay first.  David said you weren’t picky about furniture and you’d said I should make myself at home…” She trailed off and I could hear the tears in her voice. 

Get a grip Fox, I told myself.  What was more important, furniture or making Madeline a part of my life?  I could make a huge deal out of this, or I could make love to the woman that I’d pray would want to be even a small part of my life.  I took another look around the room, allowing a deep breath to slow my heartbeat as I nodded slowly.  “It’s not too bad.  Might take me some time to get used to it, but it’s not bad at all.”

The smile on Madeline’s face was worth the effort it had taken to get the words out.  She sashayed back into my arms and I wrapped my arms back around here.  The feeling of her body against me was enough to re-ignite my desire. 

I began to slowly unbutton her shirt; each button revealing a bit more skin. I softly kissed each part, until I was on the last button and I had to kneel on the floor in front of her.  I looked up at her, my hands on her hips, and I carefully undid the button with my mouth.  Madeline wound her hands through my hair, gently guiding me as I kissed her bellybutton.  A husky moan came from above me and I realized I’d found another sensitive spot.  Tentatively, I used my tongue to explore the bellybutton’s depths, feeling her push against me as her excitement rose. 

“Hmmm…you like that, huh?”  I murmured into her stomach as my hands undid the button of her jeans.

“I guess so,” she said in surprise, looking down at me as I slowly unzipped her zipper.  “That’s something new.”  She gave a throaty laugh, which turned into a moan as I slid my hands into her jeans and around to her butt. 

“You have a nice ass,” I told her as I kneaded that particular area with both my hands.

“Thank you, yours isn’t so bad either.” 

“Not so bad?  Is that a compliment?”  I asked as I helped her get her jeans off and step out of them.

“Maybe I should add that I really do love starring at it,” she said as I resumed my position in front of her, this time only her underwear between me and my goal.  As she attempted casual conversation, I could hear her breathing becoming heavier and raspier. 

I kissed along the top edge of her underwear, using my tongue to gently tease the skin there.  I could already smell a hint of her arousal and it was hard to take my time.

“God Fox,” she said, throwing her head back.  That was all I needed.  I pushed her back onto the bed and hurriedly got her underwear off.  “Please Fox, I need your mouth, please.”

And of course, I would never keep my love waiting.  I took what I wanted, and then I took some more, as she urged me on with her words, her moans, and the undulating of her hips. 

Finally, after I quickly removed my own clothes and the rest of hers, I lay down on the bed with her and took her into my arms.  I was desperate to feel her skin against mine, to hold the softness that belonged on to her in my arms and feel the results of the pleasure that had been given as well as received. 

And it was like that that we fell asleep.  In the morning the sun came through the window and I saw my beautiful lover laying with me, the sun highlighting the red in her hair and the pallor of her skin, making it all soft and glowing.  And it was then that tears came to my eyes.  The sense of belonging was so great that I was afraid I would die right there.  No matter how many boxes I might stumble over, no matter how the furniture changed, I was right where I was supposed to be, naked with my love in my arms. 

Continued in Part 4

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