The characters of Xena: Warrior Princess are owned by MCA Pictures and used here without permission. The characters of Saturday Night Live are probably owned by NBC Studios and are also used without permission. No copyright infringement was intended during the writing of this tale.
This rubbish contains adult themes of a sexual nature.
Feedback is welcome at Danae121@aol.com.
Note: This spoof is based on SNL episodes from the 70s and 80s. While it is not absolutely necessary that you be familiar with those eps in order to "get" the following attempts to tweak your funny bone, it will hurt so much better if you are.
One Wild and Crazy Kiwi
by Danae
Danae121@aol.com
______________________________________________________________________
LUCY LAWLESS HOSTS SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.
OPENING SKIT
Several Saturday Night Live Regulars are dressed to look like 50s-era high school students. They are standing in a classroom in what seems to be Rydell High School. In the middle of the group stands THE Pink Lady, talking angrily to the others.
LL: (dressed like Rizzo) I did not have sex with that boy. (points her finger in the air for emphasis) I want to say one thing to the Rydell students. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that boy... Mr. Kenickie. I never told anybody that I did. Not a single time. Never.
SNL REGULAR: Rizzo, are you asking us to believe that YOU did not have sex?
LL: No, you moron! I'm THE Pink Lady! Of course, I had sex!
SNL REGULAR: But, if you didn't do it with Kenickie, whom did you do it with?
LL extends her hand toward a young woman standing in the back of the room. The young woman is holding a staff and smiling innocently.
LL: (grins mischievously) Have you met Sandy's friend from down under??
The students' eyes bulge when they see the blonde... er... red-headed woman. They look back to Rizzo, their jaws hanging open.
LL: Hey! There are worse things I could do! (turns to the camera with an evil smirk) Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!!
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MONOLOGUE
Lucy Lawless, dressed in a characteristically off-beat, funky, and very cool outfit, is announced and welcomed to the show with thunderous applause by the studio audience, which, curiously, is made up of only females.
LL: Thank you. I'm happy to be here. (crowd roars again) Yeah, I'm thrilled. (nods and smiles while she waits for the audience to quiet down) Before we get started, I want to get one thing... um... straight. (Crowd laughs and jeers) I know most of you lot came here tonight expecting to see a load of what is referred to as... subtext. (crowd screams with glee) Now, I want to make this absolutely bloody clear... Xena and Gabrielle have a deep FRIENDSHIP, you see? They are like SISTERS. Sisters, I tell you. In fact, Gabrielle has been the finest sister Xena could have hoped for. She gives Xena strength, joy, inspiration, and... a lot of other stuff. So, in honor of Gabrielle and everything she has given the Warrior Princess, I'd like to sing a little song. It is titled... "Sisters."
LL clears her throat and begins to sing...
S is for the special looks she gives her.
I is for the impulse that she gives her.
S is for the sweet kiss that she gives her.
T is for the tender touch she gives her.
E is for ecstasy she gives her.
R is for the real big O she gives her.
S is for the sigarette she gives her.
Put it all together, it spells Sisters...
And, they're damn well doing it for themselves.
****************************************
LAND SHARK SKIT
LL is on a set made to resemble the lower deck of a recycled ship. The set sways back and forth. LL is in her Xena costume, and she sits on a chest beside a SNL Regular who is dressed like Gabrielle. Xena is pressing her fingers on the Gab character's boobs.
SNL REGULAR: (watching Xena's hands) Xena... are you sure this is a cure for seasickness?
Suddenly, there is a knock at the hatch that opens to the upper decks.
LL: (yells) Who is it?!
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR: Telegram.
LL: Telegram? What in Tartarus is a telegram?!
SNL REGULAR: Xena, I think a telegram is an urgent message thing.
LL: Oh. (yells) Who's it from?!
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR: Your sister.
LL: I don't have a sister!
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR: Your father.
LL: My mother killed my father.
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR: Uh... It's from your brother.
LL: (raising an eyebrow) Which brother??
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR: Um... Thadeus.
LL: (angrily) Thadeus isn't scheduled to show up out of the blue until the sixth season. Now, stop wasting my time! Go away!
A few seconds later, there is another knock.
LL: (yells) Who is it?!
VOICE FROJM BEHIND THE DOOR: Falafel delivery.
LL: Falafel? I didn't order any falafel! (turns back to Gab) Gabrielle, did you order falafel?!
SNL REGULAR: No, I ordered pork liver with melted cheese over the top and a side of cherries.
LL: (rolls eyes) We didn't order any falafel! Go away!
A few seconds later, there is another knock.
LL: Who is it?!
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE DOOR: Toaster oven repairman.
LL: Toaster oven repairman? What in the known world is a toaster oven?!
SNL REGULAR: Xena, I think a toaster oven is a square baking thing.
LL: Oh. Well, I didn't call a toaster oven repairman! I don't even need a toaster oven. Gabrielle and I generate enough heat to bake all the bread in Greece. Go away!
A few seconds later, there is yet another knock. LL narrows her eyes and walks near the hatch.
LL: Yeah?! Who the Hades is it now?!
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE HATCH: Sea spiduh.
**************************************
MR. BILL SKIT
Mr. Bill is playing with his dog, Spot. Mr. Hands reaches down and begins to slap Mr. Bill around.
MR. BILL: Ohhhh noooo! Someone help me!!
XWP music begins to play. Out of nowhere, a Rigid Xena doll flies through the air and lands with a crash on the floor beside Mr. Bill.
MR. BILL: Ohhhh noooo! Rigid Xena, are you all right?!
RIGID XENA: (Still lying twisted on the floor) Of course, I'm all right, you idiot! I can't experience pain. I'm made of plastic. I don't have any rigid little nerve endings.
MR. BILL: Ohhhh noooo!
RIGID XENA: You're telling me! Can you imagine how frustrating it is to crawl under the blanket with Posable Gabrielle every night when I don't have any furking little nerve endings?!
Mr. Hands resumes slapping Mr. Bill.
MR. BILL: Ohhhh noooo! Help me, Rigid Xena!
Suddenly, a hand which belongs to Ms. Hands (played by special guest star LN James), reaches down, sets Rigid Xena on her feet, and bends Rigid Xena's sword arm into the fighting position. Rigid Xena begins to slash at Mr. Hands's hands, preventing him from beating up Mr. Bill. Just when Mr. Hands is about to retreat, Posable Gabrielle shows up.
POSABLE GABRIELLE: (seductively) Oh, Xena... Come here.
RIGID XENA: Not now, Gabrielle. I'm fighting for the greater good.
POSABLE GABRIELLE: The greater good?
RIGID XENA: Yeah... play dough is a lot more posable than plastic. If I save Mr. Bill, maybe those lame brain toy makers will get a clue and make us out of play dough instead. Think of how our bodies could be molded together then, Gabrielle! That would be good, wouldn't it?!
POSABLE GABRIELLE: Oh, yeah! That would be VERY good! But, for now... I have a surprise for you.
RIGID XENA: (still fighting) What is it?
POSABLE GABRIELLE: You'll have to stop fighting and come see for yourself.
RIGID XENA: (impatiently) Just tell me Gabrielle!
POSABLE GABRIELLE: Well, okay. (Lifts up her plastic skirt) I finally found a way to remove those painted-on pink under panties.
Rigid Xena freezes mid slash. She swivels her little stiff body and eagerly totters off toward Posable Gabrielle. As Mr. Bill watches Rigid Xena disappear, he is swatted across the room by Mr. Hands and lands right on top of Posable Callisto.
MR. BILL: Ohhhh noooo!
*****************************************
BABA WAWA SKIT
Baba Wawa is sitting in one of two chairs on a set made to resemble a talk show program. The name of the program, "For Ladies Only," is written on the wall behind Baba.
BABA WAWA: Good evening, evewyone! Wewcome to Fow Wadies Onwy! Tonight, we have a vewy speciaw guest who has twavewed aww the way fwom Gweece to be with us. Pwease hewp me gweet... Pwiestess Weah!
LL walks onto the set, dressed in her Priestess Leah costume; takes her seat.
LL: Thank you, Baba. I'm dewighted to be hewe.
BABA WAWA: It's a pweasure to have you, Pwiestess Weah. And, I must say, you are wooking so swim and pwetty. How do you stay so wean and fit?
LL: I'm afwaid I can't take cwedit fow my attwactive body. You see, the actwess who pways me wowks out evewy day to keep these wong, wucious wegs wooking wong and wuscious.
BABA WAWA: The actwess who pways you?... Oh, you mean Wucy Wawwess.
LL: Yes. Wucy and her co-staw are vewy faithfuw about keeping themsewves in shape.
BABA WAWA: I see. Wucy's co-staw... That wouwd be Wenee OConnow.
LL: Yes. Wucy and I awe vewy fond of Wenee... She has the most beautifuw tummy muscwes.
BABA WAWA: Indeed, she does. Any giww wouwd be jeawous of her sweek, fwat abs.
LL: Yes. And, any hot-bwooded wesbian wouwd be jeawous of Wucy Wawwess who gets to wwap her awm awound Wenee's wovewy waist aww the time.
BABA WAWA: (confused look) Hot bwooded what?
LL: Hot bwooded wesbian.
BABA WAWA: (still confused) Webanese?
LL: Wesbian.
BABA WAWA: (still doesn't get it, but lets it go) Teww us about the upcoming season of Xena: Wawwiow Pwincess.
LL: Cewtainwy. Thewe wiww be an episode which bowdwy goes whewe no show has gone befowe.
BABA WAWA: Oh? How intwiguing! What wiww it be about?
LL: It wiww reveaw the twuth about Xena and Gabwiewwe.
BABA WAWA: You mean the twuth about theiw wewationship?
LL: No, the twuth that Xena and Gabwiewwe awe actuawwy awiens fwom a pwanet in a distant gawaxy.
BABA WAWA: (shocked) Xena and Gabweiwwe awe awiens?!
LL: Yes. The episode wiww expwain that they came to Eawth on a vewy impowtant mission.
BABA WAWA: (wide-eyed) What mission?
LL: Theiw mission is to entice aww humans into theiw wegion of space... the Xenavewse.
BABA WAWA: My! It sounds wike that wiww be a wemarkabwe episode!
LL: We have nicknamed it "The Bowg Episode."
BABA WAWA: Why "The Bowg Episode?"
LL: Because aww wiww be assimiwated. Wesistance is futiwe.
**************************************
COMMERICAL PARODY
A SNL REGULAR DRESSED LIKE A GREEK KID: It's happy!
ANOTHER SNL REGULAR DRESSED LIKE A GREEK KID: It's fun!
BOTH SNL REGULARS: It's Happy Fun Ring!
Camera pulls back to show two Grecian children playing with a chakram. They are tossing it back and forth gently, like a frisbee.
ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's Happy Fun Ring, the toy sensation that's sweeping the nation. Only 14.95 dinars at participating markets! Get one today!
LOW BACKGROUND VOICE: Warning: special guest stars and recycled extras should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ring. Caution: Happy Fun Ring may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ring contains a liquid core which, if exposed due to a crack in the ring, should not be inhaled, touched, or looked at. Happy Fun Ring comes with a warrior princess, who, if exposed due to a song in a rink, should not be videotaped, touched, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ring on charming, tight-abbed American actresses. When not in use, Happy Fun Ring should be returned to its special hook and feared like the plague. Happy Fun Ring may stick in certain types of skin. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ring if any of the following occurs: profuse sweating, heart palpitations, bleeding, threat of blood flow being cut off from your brain. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ring. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ring, Warrior Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Greek Gadgets Unlimited, of any and all liability. Happy Fun Ring comes with a lifetime guarantee.
ANNOUNCER: Happy Fun Ring! Accept no substitutes!
****************************************
WEEKEND UPDATE SKIT
Chevy Chase and LL sit at the Weekend Update news desk. LL is dressed in a costume from her show. For over five minutes, she and Chevy have been debating back and forth about some very serious current event.
LL: So, ya see, I, for one, fully support Joxer. He adds charm, humor, and macho energy to the show. His bumbling ways are sweet, and he's damn cute too. After Xena, he is the second most important character in the series. I believe he should be in each and every episode.
CHEVY: (reviews his notes briefly, then addresses LL) Meg, you ignorant slut.
**************************************
MUSICAL GUEST
Shawn Colvin stands on stage, holding a mic. The music from her smash hit "Sunny Came Home" begins. Shawn starts to sing...
Callie came home to her burned-up hut. Callie sat down in the ashes. She curled her lip and she made a pout. Callie came home with death wishes.
She says, "Eps go by, I'm still alive. I'm so bored with this life. I close my eyes and dream of ways to die. Hey! Maybe that knife!"
Callie came home with Gab's evil kid. She wished the cocoon was her own kin. "It's time for a few words with Xena," she said. Callie came home with a bargain.
She says, "Shows go by, I don't know why. How the furk did I survive?! I close my eyes and breathe a sexy sigh. I have nine lives.
Get Her horse and bring Her sidekick. Rocks are good, but hind's blood is quick. Count the times, She always blew it. Not today, there's nothing to it.
She says, "Eps go by, I'm still alive. I'm ripe to leave this life. I close my eyes and cop a feel and die A lot like Strife."
Watch next year and hold on tight. The series isn't done. She's out there in a void and she's not right. Callie came home.
**************************************
WAYNE'S WORLD SKIT
Wayne and Garth sit on the sofa in Wayne's basement. LL sits next to them, dressed in her Xena costume.
WAYNE: Right, so tonight we have the most awesome guest on the show.
GARTH: Yeah. (points to LL) You all know the totally excellent Warrior Princess... the babe every dude wants his blow-up doll to look like. Welcome to the show, oh mighty one!
Wayne and Garth prostrate themselves on the floor.
WAYNE and GARTH: We are not worthy! We are not worthy!
LL rolls her eyes and kicks them both in the head.
LL: Quit sucking up, you, nitwits. You're not my type. Let's get on with this. I have to kick some ass on American Gladiators in a half hour.
Wayne and Garth scurry back into their seats.
WAYNE: Okay, right, so seeing as how it's no big secret that you, like, go any way the wind blows with women, we were wondering if you would help us with our most babetitious babes list.
LL: Yeah... okay. I can do that. I have many skills.
GARTH: Excellent. Right, so, who would you say is the number one most babetitious babe in the universe?
LL: Gabrielle.
WAYNE: Okay, cool. And, who would you say is the all time most babetitious babe in the history of the universe?
LL: Gabrielle.
GARTH: Okay, cool, cool. Now who would you say is the most babetitious blonde babe in the universe?
LL: Gabrielle.
WAYNE: Right, and who is the most babetitious red-headed babe in the universe?
LL: Gabrielle.
WAYNE: Heh, heh... okay, okay, but who is the most babetitious brunette babe in the universe?
LL: Gabrielle.
WAYNE: Come on. No way!
LL: Way.
GARTH: No way! Gabrielle is not a brunette.
LL: You haven't seen the fourth season yet.
WAYNE: Okay, right, so, it's like way obvious that you only have eyes for Gabrielle.
GARTH: And, what totally awesome eyes they are, Wayne!
Wayne and Garth both stare into LL's baby blues and begin to hyperventilate and drool. LL rolls her eyes and then cracks their heads together.
WAYNE: (refocusing) Right, where were we?
GARTH: We were talking about babes.
WAYNE: Oh, right. Okay, so, you know, Xena, besides Gabrielle, who would you say is the second most babetitious babe in the universe?
LL: Renee O'Connor
****************************************
CHURCH LADY SKIT
The Church Lady sits at her desk and LL sits in a chair nearby.
CHURCH LADY: So, Ms. Lawless, tell me a little about what you do for a living.
LL: Okay. For the last three years I've portrayed an action adventure heroine in the TV series Xena: Warrior Princess.
CHURCH LADY: Ah, yes... I've heard of that show. Wonderful series! Simply wonderful! You should be very proud of the strong example you set for young women... teaching them to be brave and independent... and to stay away from men until they're married.
LL: Uh... yeah... thank you.
CHURCH LADY: And, what did you do before Xena?
LL: I co-starred in a short film titled "Peach," in which I almost got to bonk a girl.
CHURCH LADY: Well... (long pause) Isn't that special.
*****************************************
HANZ AND FRANZ SKIT
HANZ: Hello, I'm Hanz.
FRANZ: And, I'm Franz.
HANZ: And, ve vant to...
HANZ and FRANZ: Pump you up!
HANZ: You know, Franz... Tonight ve have two very special guests on our show.
FRANZ: That's right, Hanz. Vhy don't ve introduce dem now?
HANZ: Okay, Franz. Ladies and...uh... ladies. Please velcome our guests!
Crowd roars and applauds.
Onto the set walk LL and a SNL regular who is dressed like ROC.
LL: Hello, I'm LOC.
SNL REGULAR: And, I'm ROC.
LL: And, we want to...
LL and SNL REGULAR: Sex you up!
*****************************************
CLOSING
LL stands in the middle of the stage between the SNL Regulars. SNL music is playing.
LL: (waves to the crowd) Thanks everyone! I had a great time! See you later!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (yells frantically) Wait! Do the yell! Do the yell!
LL: You want me to do the yell?
AUDIENCE: YES!!!!!!
LL flashes a dazzling smile which turns into a sly grin. She hesitates a few moments and then belts out the yell... the Tarzan yell.
************************************************************* *************************************************************
Note: LOC are the initials of LL's married name. Oh... wait... nevermind. ;)