Basic disclaimers apply. If you don’t know what those are yet, then what rock have you been living under? Q: Characters mine? A: no. Q: Profit intended? A: laugh, no. Q: Hestian rating? A: "It’s not a petting zoo." Q: What if underage and illegal in areas? A: "Welcome to my world, now get ready to leave it." Q: Violence? A: "Does an Amazon queen beat a warrior princess? You wanna find out?"
Other Comments: Thanks to all those who thought this ramble was funny enough to post. This is based on a string of conversations between Xenites on how often the word "swollen bud" is used in alt fan fic. Thanks for reading ... you can e-mail me at Pallas3@yahoo.com
SEARCHING FOR SWOLLEN BUDS
by Pallas
Pallas3@yahoo.com
FADE IN:
EXT. MARKET BIZARRE — DAY
BIG ASS PAN of the Market. GABRIELLE and CALLISTO are walking through the crowded shopping area. There are lots of people around. Gabrielle is intent looking. Callisto looks bored, and she is running the sharp edge of her knife against her cheek, her eyes searching. Gabrielle notices, and raises an eyebrow.
GABRIELLE
Put it away.
CALLISTO
What? I’m not going to kill anyone. They’re not worthy of that pleasure.
GABRIELLE
You promised you’d help.
CALLISTO
Right. The hunt for the "swollen bud." You got any idea what we’re looking for?
GABRIELLE
No, but it sure seems to be important to Xena, so I have to find one. Her birthday is next week, and I can’t think of anything else to get her.
CALLISTO
Um ... have you thought about getting her a new weapon of some sort?
GABRIELLE
Like what doesn’t she have? I mean she’s a walking arsenal. Sword, knives, whips, chains, handcuffs .... still haven’t figured out what those are for yet.
(more)
Callisto laughs.
GABRIELLE CONT’D
What?
(beat)
Fine, laugh and don’t tell me. Still doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got to get her a birthday present, and if I don’t find a swollen bud I’ll be flat out of luck.
CALLISTO
You are so priceless sometimes! Absolutely tragically innocent! You truly have no clue what you’re looking for do you, dear?
GABRIELLE
If you know, tell me! I’ve got enough money to buy it!
CALLISTO
I bet you could buy it.
GABRIELLE
(looks around, spots flower shop)
There, we’ll try there! If he doesn’t have a swollen bud, then maybe he can tell us where to find one.
CALLISTO
(suppressing grin)
Right behind you, dear.
SHOPKEEPER
Is the little lady looking for some beautiful blooms today? Perhaps for a love?
Callisto laughs again. Gabrielle shoots her a cold stare before turning to the man and smiling.
GABRIELLE
Yes. I’d like to purchase a swollen bud for my friend’s birthday. I overheard her talking about it awhile ago, and I think she’d really like it from me.
SHOPKEEPER
Um ... well ... yes ... I’m sure she would. I think. Duh.
GABRIELLE
Good. Then you have one.
SHOPKEEPER
Ah ... I ... um ... no. Ah ... um ... I don’t.
GABRIELLE
Do you have a speech impediment? Cause if you do, I know a good doctor in Athens who could help you.
CALLISTO
Why don’t you ask him if he knows where you could find one.
GABRIELLE
Good point. Sir, where can I find a swollen bud?
(more)
Callisto laughs, bending over, holding her sides.
GABRIELLE CONT’D
(to Callisto)
Will you shut up?
(to Shopkeeper)
Any idea or did I pull a toughie on you?
SHOPKEEPER
Miss, I have no idea. I will say that someone ... maybe your friend ... could .. um ... show you this ... um ... swollen bud.
CALLISTO
Amen, brother!
GABRIELLE
Then, the hunt continues. Callisto, where next?
CALLISTO
How ‘bout we try the tavern ... you know, the one down by the wharf? I’m sure that some of those sweaty, stinkin sailors would know.
GABRIELLE
You think? Really?
CALLISTO
Have I ever lied to you, Gabrielle?
(beat)
Right. So, shall we?
Gabrielle and Callisto make it through the market. Gabrielle stops at various stalls to look at stuff. Callisto adopts a bored pose, and shakes her head at everything Gabrielle picks up. Callisto finally grabs Gabrielle’s arm at one stand.
CALLISTO
Gabrielle! Quit wasting time. Xena doesn’t want hair clips or other stupid trinkets. That’s your department. She wants ... um ... other treasures.
GABRIELLE
Well excuse me for trying to be a good friend. She did lose her hair pin in that whole Ming Tien episode. I know that bothered her, and we sifted through the rubble for hours looking for it later, but it was gone.
CALLISTO
(weighing her hands)
Hair clip or swollen bud? Which would Xena prefer? Hum, that’s a toughie.
GABRIELLE
Fine. Let’s find this tavern of yours.
CALLISTO
With pleasure. It’s just ahead there.
The tavern looms in the distance. It’s a rickety looking building. Gabrielle stands under the sign and stares.
GABRIELLE
(reading)
"The One-leg Whore." They actually named a place the one-legged whore? I’ve seen some bad names before ... "The Gutted Pig .. The Slaughterhouse ... The 19th Hole ... The Model Cafe ... but The One-Leg Whore? Really bad!
CALLISTO
Quit killing time babbling and get inside.
Gabrielle opens the door and stands back, waving her hand before her nose. Callisto rolls her eyes and walks inside. WE HEAR wolf whistles, followed by a piercing scream, and then absolute silence. Gabrielle shakes her head and enters.
GABRIELLE
You were determined to use that knife today, weren’t you?
CALLISTO
So, sue me.
(to the bar)
Listen up, you worthless stinkin scum ... my little friend here has a question to ask you all. Answer her or I become a lot less Barbie-like. Got it? Perfect!
GABRIELLE
Trust her on that one.
(beat, contemplates the quiet room)
Okay, I’m not sure if you can help me. I’m looking for a swollen bud.
Callisto’s eyes dance back and forth across the room, a smirk on her face. A large, ruddy man stands, grabbing his crotch.
MAN
I can give you a swollen bud, cupcake.
Callisto throws a knife into his chest, and the man falls over dead. Gabrielle turns on her.
GABRIELLE
Callisto! Gods, you make me mad sometimes! He knew what is was, and now look ... you killed him!
CALLISTO
Poor Gabrielle. He did call you cupcake, sweetheart.
GABRIELLE
So, you kill him? ... That’s it. Empty your weapons on this table. C’mon. All of them.
(more)
Callisto proceeds to take off her sword, four belt daggers, two wrist daggers, two boot daggers, a breast dagger and two small knives strapped to her thighs.
GABRIELLE CONT’D
That’s not it. Where’s that ... um ... one item?
CALLISTO
I’m not giving up my bleach! It’s technically not a weapon.
GABRIELLE
Fine, but no one else dies ... got that?
CALLISTO
(pouting)
Bet you let Xena kill people.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, but they’re all bad people.
CALLISTO
All black and white with you, isn’t it? How tragic.
GABRIELLE
Okay, everybody. Sorry for that whole murder thing. If someone could please tell me where I can buy a swollen bud, then we’ll be on our way.
BARTENDER
We don’t like your type in here, so get out.
GABRIELLE
My type? I’ll admit that I’m a bit of an A type personality, but I’m trying to be more laid back. Calli here is more of a C type, which accounts for her apathy towards life.
BARTENDER
Take your swollen buds and leave. Sickos.
CALLISTO
I don’t think I like his tone, sweetie. Do you?
GABRIELLE
Calm down. We’ll be out of here soon enough if someone will help me find my swollen bud. It’s a birthday gift.
CALLISTO
(to the bar)
Gotta admit she’s a bit of winner in the airhead category, huh?
Bar nods.
GABRIELLE
Swollen buds? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
Suddenly the door opens and XENA walks in.
XENA
Gabrielle, what in Hades are you doing in a place like this?
GABRIELLE
(nervous)
Nothing. Calli wanted a drink.
XENA
It’s Calli now? I’ve only been gone a couple of days.
CALLISTO
And we missed you, Xena. We’ve been shopping today, haven’t we, Gabby?
XENA
You let her call you Gabby? You don’t let me do that.
CALLISTO
It’s all in the technique, dear.
GABRIELLE
Well, I’m ready to go now. Good ale, by the way.
CALLISTO
Weren’t you waiting for an answer, Gabby?
GABRIELLE
Nope. Can’t remember the question. Okay, shall we go?
CALLISTO
(to bar)
I’d suggest that someone answer my friend’s question.
XENA
What’s the question? Maybe I could help.
CALLISTO
Now, there’s an idea we hadn’t considered! Maybe Xena knows where to find ... what was that thing ... strange name, if I remember. A real toughie.
GABRIELLE
Shut up, Callisto. Now, let’s get out of here.
XENA
What’s going on?
CALLISTO
Nothing really, dear. Gabby here was just asking this motley group to help her find her swollen bud.
(more)
Gabrielle cringes. Xena pales. Callisto beams. Most of the bar attempts to hide.
CALLISTO CONT’D
Seems she hasn’t any idea what that is, Xena. You being such a poor teacher and all. Imagine that.
XENA
Gabrielle, where did you get an idea like that?
GABRIELLE
Well, I heard you talking about it a few weeks ago. You know when we went to the Amazon village? You were drinking with that one Amazon and well ... Ephiny pulled me away before I could hear more, but it sounded like you really wanted ... dunno. I knew your birthday was coming up and I wanted to get you one.
XENA
So you come to a sailor’s bar to get me one. Let me guess, Callisto’s idea.
CALLISTO
Xena, you wound me. I only wanted to help our little friend in her quest.
XENA
You’d help her right off a cliff if she said she thought she could fly.
CALLISTO
I’m just a helpful person.
GABRIELLE
Are you mad at me?
XENA
Stunned. Shocked. Embarrassed. But not mad. Tell me, did anyone here offer to help you find this ... um .. swollen bed? I mean bud?
CALLISTO
Oooh, wonderful!
GABRIELLE
(misses the slip)
Well, that one guy was going to help ... but Callisto killed him.
CALLISTO
He called her cupcake.
XENA
Understandable reaction.
(beat)
Gabrielle, why didn’t you just ask me? I would have told you.
CALLISTO
Shown you, is more like it, I think.
XENA
(to Callisto)
You’re not needed in this scene anymore. Leave.
CALLISTO
Hey, I’ve got an idea!
GABRIELLE
Why don’t I like the sound of that?
CALLISTO
Why don’t Xena and I show you what a swollen bud is. If I’m right, she’s got a great one.
GABRIELLE
You already have one? I knew my idea was stupid. All my ideas are stupid. Should have just gotten you another knife, or another Hallmark hurt/comfort card.
XENA
Your idea was great. Trusting Callisto to show you was the mistake.
CALLISTO
I could have really shown her, Xena. Don’t forget that. I’m sure she’s quite an apt pupil, too.
XENA
Death would have been too good for you then.
GABRIELLE
I don’t mean to sound stupid here ...
(more)
Callisto laughs.
GABRIELLE CONT’D
Would someone tell me what a swollen bud is?
BARTENDER
For the god’s sake ... tell her! Or show her!
GABRIELLE
You can show me?
XENA
Yeah, I can show you.
CALLISTO
Will you show me too?
GABRIELLE
But if you’ve already got one, then what should I get you for your birthday?
CALLISTO
Gee, that’s a toughie!
FADE OUT