A Puss to Pass the TimeDisclaimers:
Characters and backstory from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of MCA/Universal/Renaissance. No copyright infringement is intended.
This is an original (I hope) work of alternative fan fiction. No profit will be gained from its production. This piece of fiction is copyright of the author.
There are depictions of love/sex between consenting adult persons of the same gender. If this is illegal where you live, you are underage, or this isn't your preference, then stop reading here and find something more appropriate to your tastes and/or laws.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Author's Note: These are just some little bits and pieces that popped into my head and weren't substantial enough to merit an entire story.
Comments can be sent to tamiz@tcsinternet.net
By TZ
July 26, 1998
*Are you sure?*
*Sure I'm white and blue turban pressed the book into the bard's hands. "Please, for our gratitude for saving our village, we give you this."
Gabrielle smiled amiably as she opened the bound parchments. Her eyes widened in surprise and then darkened.
Curious, Xena leaned over the smaller woman's shoulder and grinned. "See, I told you it was possible," she said, pointing to one of the book's illustrations.
"What is this," the bard asked the man without raising her eyes from the pages.
"It is a gift we give all our newly married couples. I assumed...." The innkeeper's eyes shifted back and forth between the two women's faces.
"We really appreciate it," the warrior assured him as she stepped closer to the bard to get a better look.
Inhaling deeply at the taller woman's seductive presence at her back, Gabrielle cleared her throat and focused her eyes on the man. "What is it called?"
"It is the Kama Sutra," he answered.
Xena's hands raised unbidden to the bard's shoulders and she squeezed them to show her appreciation for the beautifully drawn artwork. "How much for a room?"
The innkeeper's dark eyes lit with success. "Twenty of your Greek dinars."
Gabrielle's mouth opened to argue the outrageous price, but the warrior clasped her hand over the smaller woman's lips. "We'll take it," she answered as she tucked the book beneath her arm and tugged the bard up the stairs to an empty room.
August 13, 1998
"La, la, la, la, la, la. I'm dancing in the rain."
Xena's eyes widened as she stepped to the perimeter of the camp she shared with Gabrielle. A gentle shower had begun and like a nymph, the bard had shed all her clothes to celebrate the event. Biting her lip to stifle a groan of appreciation, the warrior dropped her catch of fish.
Gabrielle's body writhed and contorted sensuously as she hummed a wandering tune. Swinging her arms wide, she launched into an erotic dance the Amazons had taught her. It was a show of gratitude to the goddess Demeter for blessing the earth.
While the bard was enjoying her abandonment, the warrior abandoned all thoughts of proper stoic conduct. Her hands delved into secret places of saturated desire.
A short while later, the rain stopped, as did the bard. Gabrielle was startled by a noise in the bush at the edge of their camp and she rushed to find her staff. "Who's there," she called with a tremor in her voice.
A throat cleared and Xena stepped from her cover.
Gabrielle's nose wrinkled in distaste when the warrior came close enough to hand her the fish she had caught. "Geez, Xena...what did you do, catch the entire lake before you decided on these ones?"
The warrior smelled her hands and shrugged with a smile. "Sometimes, Gabrielle, you just have to take matters into your own hands."
August 14, 1998
"Ninety-nine Xenas on the wall Ninety-nine Xenas so tall Take one down Lick all around Ninety-eight Xenas on the wall."Gabrielle took a long draught from her tankard and turned to Ephiny. The regent was passed out across the table they had been sharing all evening. Spotting Solari across the room, the queen beckoned her over. Together, they sang the next verse:
"Ninety-eight Xenas on the wall Ninety-eight Xenas so tall Take one down Suck out her tongue Ninety-seven Xenas on the wall."The bard snorted when Solari grinned bemusedly and fell backwards off the bench. A heavy hand on her shoulder caused her to turn. With a nod of her head, she invited Eponin to join her. Together, they sang the next verse:
"Ninety-seven Xenas on the wall Ninety-seven Xenas so tall Take one down Ma-ake her howl Ninety-six Xenas on the wall."Gabrielle jumped when the weapons master belched loudly. She began to giggle when the quiet warrior crawled onto the table and snuggled next to the regent. With a heavy sigh, the bard continued alone:
"Ninety-six Xenas on the wall Ninety-six Xenas so tall Take one down Ye-ell real loud Ninety-five Xenas on the wall."She continued for twenty-six more verses before a shadow fell across the table.
"Gabrielle."
The bard shook her head to clear her vision. Her eyes widened in appreciation for the tall, lanky, sumptuous form that loomed above. "Xena...."
"How much have you had to drink?"
Gabrielle shrugged and counted the tankards on the table. "'Bout twelve, I 'spose."
"Uh, huh. You are ready for bed."
"I know," the bard agreed heartily. "Let me just finish this drink. Singing makes my throat dry."
"I think you've had enough," the warrior growled as she snatched the tankard from the smaller woman's hands. Her brows lifted in surprise when she sniffed at its contents. "Gabrielle, this is juice."
"Yeah...and?"
"But you were singing...that song."
The bard nodded and let the warrior help her to her feet. "Yeah, well, everyone else was drinking. Someone had to provide the proper entertainment."
"Did you have to sing about me? You know I hate that. Can't you sing about someone else for a change? And can't you do it quietly?"
Gabrielle merely smirked and grinned lewdly as she slipped her hand under Xena's skirt. "So, catch anything while you were out hunting?"
"Hmmm...no...but it looks like you did."
"Oh, yeah...." The bard hummed as she fondled her lover's tight backside. She could not resist and raised her voice for the next verse:
"Sixty-eight Xenas on the wall Sixty-eight Xenas so tall Take one down Make her come Sixty-seven Xenas on the wall.""Gabrielle, you forgot sixty-nine," the warrior said before the blonde could continue.
The bard chuckled deeply and let her fingers slip under Xena's breeches. "Nah...I'm saving that one for our hut."
"You little minx," the warrior purred as she swept the smaller woman into her arms.
Their laughter rang through the quiet village.
August 16, 1998
(I do not mean to intentionally disrespect the Spice Girls or Hanson.)
The Spice Girls were sitting on a plush couch. Their manager was pacing in agitation. They had interviewed fifty girls already, but no one was spicy enough to join their group.
A secretary ushered the next girl into the room. She wore dark red boots; one was held together by safety pins. Her soft leather skirt hung loosely above her knees; when she moved her muscled thighs peeked between its layers. Her Bilious Green Sports Bra revealed toned abs that shifted enticingly when she took a breath.
Posh Spice snorted in derision. Sporty Spice glared in envy. Scary Spice quirked a brow in disbelief. Baby Spice smiled warmly in welcome.
The young woman cleared her throat. "Um...hi! My name is Gabrielle, and I'd like to be a Spice Girl."
Scary Spice smirked; her dark hair bounced as she shook her head. "Gabby Spice...I like it already. Can you dance or sing?"
Gabrielle shrugged as she approached the other Spices. "Not really."
Scary jumped to her feet and loomed over the young woman. Her platform tennis shoes made her seem at least two feet taller. "Then why in the bloody 'ell are you wasting our time, then?"
Undaunted, the wannabe Spice Girl craned her head. "You're Scary Spice, right?" When the Spice Girl nodded, Gabrielle laughed. "Hah! You should see the chick I ride with. Now, SHE'S scary. Black leather and heavy metal...she'd kick your ass in a second."
Sporty snorted in amusement. She polished her gold tooth with her tongue and looked away innocently when Scary turned angry eyes to her.
Gabrielle moved around Scary to face Sporty Spice. "And you...my girlfriend can flip circles around you. You should see how she jumps onto ships to save me."
Scary tapped her foot impatiently as Gabrielle approached Posh.
"And you? Well, no one wears slinky clothes better than Xena. She's got these legs that go on forever. And breasts? Hah! They're as dangerous as her wicked smile."
One by one, the Spices stood until only Baby was left on the couch. They crowded around their manager to complain.
Gabrielle took the opportunity to sit beside the last Spice Girl. "Honey," she began with a gentle pat on Baby's hand, "you have got to give up the innocent act. It only attracts a really kinky group. You haven't met a groupie by the Dahok, have you? If you do, stay away. Trust me on this. He consumes innocent, naive girls like you."
A tap on the shoulder pulled the bard from her conversation. She swiveled her head to find three Spices standing over her. "Yes?"
Scary offered her hand. "You're in the group. Without someone for us to bicker and fight with, how would we get free publicity?"
Gabrielle shook the Spice's hand vigorously and stood. She clasped her hands in front of her chest in surprise. "But I can't sing or dance."
Scary shrugged. "Ey, well. Doesn't matter. You can fake it."
The bard's brows furrowed in puzzlement. "Fake it? I never have to fake it."
Suddenly, Posh and Sporty gasped in surprise. Scary turned; both her brows rose in surprise.
"Oh, Xena," Gabrielle called as she approached the warrior. Wrapping her hand around the warrior's left arm, she pulled the intimidating woman into the room. "I'm gonna be a Spice Girl. I'm gonna be Gabby Spice."
Xena smiled gently for the bard, but her features turned hard when she eyeballed the other Spices. "Come on, Gabrielle. There's some problem we have to take care of...seems the middle Hanson brother's voice is changing. We have to avert a disaster if at all possible."
"Okay," the bard replied cheerily. "Well, Spices, I'll see you later. Gotta go save the world now."
The Spices watched in awe and the two women turned and left the room.
"Some piece of work," Posh said in an aside to Scary. "What Spice do you think she'd be?"
Baby Spice smiled sensuously. "Yummy," she answered.
August 18, 1998
The barn was a refuge from the storm that had begun to rage outside. A farmer and his wife had been kind enough to offer it to Xena and Gabrielle after they had returned the couple's lost daughter.
Xena finished brushing Argo with a pat to the mare's flanks. When she turned, her brow rose in question. The bard was kneeling on a loose pile of hay. Her shoulders were bent forward, as was her head. What had captured the warrior's attention, though, was the way that the Gabrielle's skirt was moving.
"Gabrielle?"
The bard flushed at the suspicious censure in the warrior's tone. "What," she asked guiltily.
"What do you have under your skirt?"
Gabrielle shifted her weight. "Nothing," she answered. She winced when she realized that her words had not even sounded convincing to her own ears. Her eyes widened in trepidation when the warrior approached her stiffly. Her hands stilled between her legs.
"Now, Gabrielle, let me see what you have." Xena's cold blue eyes promised retribution for any kind of rebellion.
With a flush of embarrassment, the bard lifted her skirt. She held her breath, waiting for the warrior's explosion. "Isn't it cute," she asked with as much sweetness as she dared.
"It's a puss, Gabrielle&ldots;and no, it's not cute."
"Aw, come on, Xena. Look at it. It's cute and furry&ldots;and such a pretty color of honey-gold. I bet you'd like it if you pet it."
"It's all wet, Gabrielle." Xena snorted in disbelief that the bard would even suggest that she might want to get closer to the wet, furry thing. "I am not about to get all sticky and wet just to touch&ldots;that. I bet it smells funny, too."
Gabrielle lifted a hand to her nose and sniffed carefully. Part of her feared that the warrior was right, part wanted to prove Xena wrong. She smiled in victory. "Actually, Xena, it smells really nice. Come smell," the bard entreated with her extended hand.
The warrior shook her head and gave in to the pleading tone and pouty lips of her partner. She sighed as she sat in front of Gabrielle. Smothering a grimace of distaste, she reached out to pet the secret the bard had been hiding from her. She mentally exhaled a breath of relief when the barn door swung open. She jumped to her feet, ready to face the intruder.
"Oh, hi," the farmer's daughter said as she entered the barn. "Have you seen my kitty in here?"
Gabrielle bowed her head and sighed. Lifting her skirt once more, she pulled the wet, furry creature from between her legs. "I found it outside," she said as she handed the little animal to its owner. "I was trying to keep it warm."
The little girl smiled brightly as she took the kitten from the bard's hands. "Gee, thanks, lady."
"Sure, no problem," Gabrielle responded a little sadly since she had to give up her temporary friend.
"Hey," Xena called to the little girl, "I think your parents are calling you."
The little girl cocked her head and nodded to herself. She waved farewell as she opened the barn door and ran back to her house through the raging downpour.
Xena turned to Gabrielle before the younger woman could hide her disappointment. "Hey, what's wrong?"
Gabrielle shrugged and fell to sit cross-legged in the hay. "I'm bored already. I don't feel like working on my scrolls. For a while there, though, I thought that maybe I could play with that kitty until she came in and took it."
Xena chuckled as she kneeled and rested a hand on the bard's shoulder. "If you want, I could show you my kitty."
The bard's eyes glowed with sudden possibilities. Gabrielle licked her lips and smoothed her skirt. "Okay, do it, Xena. Show me yours." The bard's eyes widened in appreciation. "Can I pet it," she asked unnecessarily as she leaned forward.
The storm continued to rage outside. The one inside, though, had just begun.