Dollies All At Sea

Feb 15, 2000

By KT
fsktl@uaf.edu

We are currently in Houston vacationing on a boat. It was very disconcerting (even a tad lonely) to be in an environment without any Xena stuff. So we went to a Wal-Mart where I found a clutch of Xena dollies. Gabrielle and Callisto were in the clearance bin but I had to pay full price for Xena and, oddly enough, Autolycus.

Xena loves the boat. She hung a tongue depressor over the side and has made Callisto "walk the plank" about 6 times already. (Don't forget-these are pre-season five dollies.) Callisto's hiss as she hits the water always scares the cat. She thinks it's a sea snake. (NOTE: "Be aware that ALL sea snakes are poisonous."*)

The other day Xena and Gabrielle were missing and when I found them up in the forepeak, Gabrielle claimed that Xena was making HER "Walk the plank", but it sure didn't look the same as when she makes Callisto do it.

One night the dollies were playing strip poker. Xena was very upset to find out that only Gabrielle's skirt comes off. We had a "scene". On checking the paint box the other night, my honey noticed that the bottle of Caucasian flesh colored paint had little bitty markings, such as a tiny sword might make while trying to tap the cap loose. We think those pink panties and the BGSB will be just a painted over memory any day now.

We went out sailing on Galveston Bay today. Xena balanced herself on the tiller. She sang M'Lilla's song and both Gabrielle and Callisto glared at her. Then she sang Ulysses' Siren Song and Gabrielle tried to hit her with her staff. But Xena just spiraled her way up the mast, laughing and singing all the way, while all around us boats were crashing into oil rigs. Autolycus tried to follow Xena up the mast, crazed by the song and a sea gull almost got him. Only the quick intervention of our cat saved him from being gulleted.

On the way home, Xena unfurled a Jolly Roger and tried to use Autolycus' grappling hook to capture and board other boats. Gabrielle and the cat both got seasick. Callisto harpooned a number of seahorses just to watch them die. And Autolycus stole my wallet. We had lots of fun.

KT

sunburned and salty and dying from the humidity

*Exerpt from "Dangerous Marine Creatures", our current bed time reading.

Fri, 18 Feb 2000

Further Adventures of the Dollies All At Sea

Yesterday Xena tied Autolycus up in the flag halyard and ran him up to the spreaders (heh) where he's flew proudly alongside the Alaskan flag. He loved it and refused to have anyone help him down all day. Whenever anyone touched the halyard, he would scream out, "Hey! I paid for eight hours!"

Callisto has been making obscene radio messages to the Coast Guard, pretending to be a damsel in distress so that they will come by the boat. She thinks she may be able to "turn them" and therefore have her own army once again. She's looking into buying the boat a cannon.

Gabrielle is still upset about being found in the clearance bin. I heard her telling Xena that she was just standing there in the regular price toy area when she suddenly fell over the edge of the counter. (At which point Xena rolled her eyes, snorted and mumbled, "Boy, what else is new?") Gabrielle just ignored her and continued with her story, telling Xena that she landed in a niche in the clearance bin wall and just couldn't get out. Xena sat there sharpening her sword and going, "Uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh". While Gabrielle was talking, Xena was keeping on eye on the boat in the next slip. She was winking at the guy in the cockpit whenever his girlfriend's back was turned. When HIS back was turned, she was winking at the girlfriend. (She's just such a port AND starboard kind of gal.)

And she just LOVES sailors. One day a Popeye dollie came sailing up to the dock in his own little boat. It wasn’t very long before Xena took him below, fastening all the hatches behind them. All we heard for a couple of hours was a lot of "I yam what I yam" and refrains of "I loves to go swimming with bald-headed wimmin" (Xena was singing that one) and "Toot TOOT!" (I’m not sure which one of them was doing the tooting.)

I just don't think that Gabrielle realizes what a compliment it was when Xena told her she had hands like a sailor.

When we woke up this morning, the dollies were gone. There was a little note from Gabrielle, written in Palmer script telling us that Xena had taken everyone to the Houston Live Stock Show And Rodeo. Including the cat. And scrawled underneath in Xena's flowing hand, obviously scratched with a sword tip were the words, "Don't wait up."

I suspect that the next edition of Dangerous Marine Animals will have an entry on Xena.

The still sweaty

KT

Fri Mar 3 2000

Home Are The Sailors, Home From The Sea

I have received a number of posts asking if the dollies and the cat ever got back from the Houston Live Stock Show and Rodeo. (Including a rather cryptic one from a Miss Boopsie XXX. Her request was merely a post telling me to "Click Here!" and when I did, all I got was a picture of this huge inflatable dollie. But I knew what her subliminal question was.)

Well, yes they did return--about 2 and a half days later. It was around 3:30 in the afternoon when they wove their way down the dock in a mix of saunter, swagger and stagger. As they got closer, I noticed that they were all somewhat "decorated."

Autolycus was wearing nothing but chaps, a vest and a leather thong. He was walking funny and had the biggest smirk on his face that I have ever seen there. (And we’ve all seen lots of smirks on that boy’s face!)

Gabrielle was draped face down over Xena's shoulder. Her hair was matted with little clots of pink cotton candy peeking out from among the golden strands (hence the term, "Strawberry Blonde".) Her face and the upper half of her body was smeared with a mixture of barbecue sauce and chocolate, giving her a kind of Mexican mole sauce scent. A big blue ribbon that read, "Best Out Of State Filly" was duct taped to her butt. She burped softly as Xena gently patted her bottom. (Sword drawing Xena can SO do this!)

I frowned at the big blue ribbon and Autolycus explained that Argo had actually won it. "Argo?" I asked in surprise looking around the dock. "Yeah, you know how she comes and goes--she came--and now she's gone." Xena scowled so Autolycus hurriedly continued. "Argo also won the "Best Imitation Of Trigger" ribbon and since she had two blue ribbons and Gabrielle had none. . ." Autolycus leaned over and lowered his voice, "and since Gabrielle had thrown a tantrum when her BGSB lost out in the "Best Clothing Made From A Car Floor Mat" contest". . . Atolycus straightened up and finished loudly, "Xena talked Argo into letting Gabrielle wear one of her blue ribbons. Gabrielle chose "Best Filly" over "Best Imitation of Trigger." Xena nodded her head sagely and said, "I always make the girls share and share alike."

Autolycus continued his story, stroking his mustache as is his wont. "As soon as we hit the midway, Gabrielle took one deep sniff, went into an ‘I see prey!’ hunting dog stance and then went totally berserk, running from food stand to food stand, screaming out strange sounding syllables, things like ‘By the Gods, bar bee que’ and ‘Chur-oh! YES!’, and wildly stuffing food down her gullet. Then she suddenly noticed a bunch of fake horses that they had on this big turntable. She insisted on jumping up on one of them. And then she kept screaming out, ‘Xena, looka me! Xena, looka me! Xena, looka me! XENAAA, I finally got a horse! XEEEEENAAAAH LOOOKA ME!!!!!’ She continued to scream until her face suddenly turned the exact same shade of bilious green as her top. Moaning loudly, she fell off the horse, rolled along the revolving turntable and then slid off it into the dirt, where she swayed back and forth on her distended belly like a human teeter totter. Xena picked her up, slung her over her shoulder and has been carrying the stuffed little morsel ever since."

I glanced over at the ever stoic faced Xena. She had a decidedly rakish, somewhat piratical air as she was wearing a red bandanna on her head, partly askew. Auto told me that Willy gave it to her. "Willy?" I asked "Yeah--Willie Nelson--she vaulted up on stage and sang a duet with him." "What did they sing?" "For All The Girls I've Loved Before. She was WAY better than Julio." Gabrielle mumbled something in a slightly muffled, somewhat groaning voice. I leaned around behind Xena and asked, "What was that?" Gabrielle repeated, "Xena also sang a song in memory of Ephiny." I smiled sadly. "Which song?" "Mustang Sally...(*BURP*). All the Amazons at the Livestock Show danced along and sang the chorus with her."

Callisto was wearing a tiny crushed red felt Dale Evans hat that had been personally signed by Dale in a teensy-weensy script. She also sported two six-shooters on her hips. She told me that Dale had counseled with her for a long time and that Callisto was thinking of "becoming good." Having seen the fifth season, I advised against it, but you know Callisto--I doubt that she'll listen. She did assay a fast draw and shoot at a duck swimming by while softly singing, "How do I know? The bible tells me so", so she is still obviously somewhat conflicted and not totally committed to this change of character. We'll have to wait and see how it goes.

I have never seen the cat looking so smug and self-satisfied. Her fur had been trimmed into a mohawk and when she groomed herself I noticed her tongue had been pierced. She now knows a few words in Puma. I expect she shall run off with some cat on a motorcycle in the not too distant future.

Later that night we had to take Gabrielle to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped out. But it didn’t faze her much--she just kept smiling and mumbling happily about the persistence of racial food memories. And burbing.

We are now all back home. The flight up was a bit of a challenge. The dollies REALLY liked those little liquor bottles. By the third stopover, they were all passed out except for Xena whom I found sitting on the co-pilot's lap, "steering" on the Seattle/Anchorage leg. She finally came back to our seats, suddenly stood up ramrod straight, took a deep breath and then collapsed on my food tray just as we touched down in Fairbanks.

I haven't unpacked my carry on luggage yet. I'm letting them all sleep it off. (You know how it is when you get back from vacation.) I can't wait until these Houston dollies notice the snow...