Anguish

ANGUISH

The characters of Xena and Gabrielle are the property of MCA/Universal. The story is all mine.

Thank you all for giving me a space to print this. I know it is a huge mistake. Please take it with a grain of salt. And a shot of Tequila. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Xena hurled the cursed wedding bouquet as far as she could.

"DAMN HER!!!!!!"

"Gives me the damned flowers. Did she really think I would take it as a joke? Haha. Screw him. Screw Perdicus for taking my life from me. Screw her too, for leaving me. I thought my love meant something to her. I guess I found out the truth. She is only with me when she is not elsewhere. I know about all the pasty-faced boys she has lusted after. Like some lovesick fool puppy. It only cheapens her. And me. I love her with all my soul and desire but she can walk away from it all so casually. How can she do that? I profess my love all the time. I would do anything in the universe for her. She need only ask - or better yet just take it from me. Errrr. I am angry. Can you tell?

Did I do something wrong? Did I push her too fast; too far? I know I go overboard at times. A definite character flaw. It has helped me out many a time, but this time... not this time. This is not a war to be fought. There is no true battle. This is my heart. My love. My being on the line. Fighting is not what it is about. It is above love. And commitment. I thought Gabrielle knew I was committed to her. Or did she? I asked her to marry *me* once and she said 'yes'. Now...who knows, it's all just a game, I guess.

I know I can be difficult. Unreasonable. However, my love *is* pure. Untainted by anything from the past. I never meant to fall in love with her. That only just happened. It was as big a surprise to me as it was to her. Now, I wonder if she ever knew me at all. What a fool I was! Idiot. Maybe I hurt her somehow. She can be so quiet sometimes. Yeah, really! I only wanted to share my pathetic life with her. To have some innate needs fulfilled by her. She was the completion of my being. My missing link. The goodness and light in my soul. She is everything to me. And more. Yeah, maybe my love was too overpowering. But it was real. So real, it scared me to death. It woke me out of a sound sleep. It overcame me in the middle of a walk down a quiet path. It slammed into my brain at the least unsuspecting moments. Out of nowhere. Or was it always right there on the surface? Waiting to be shouted out? To be acknowledged? To be heard. Yeah, I was tired of keeping it a secret. I wanted to shout to the entire world how much I loved this woman. I wanted everyone I met to share in my joy, my rapture. I even wanted my enemies, like Callisto, to know how I felt. Maybe to them I wanted to gloat - to prove that nothing they did could hurt me. Nothing. A sword through my heart would not take anything from me. I could not be defeated because I had love. I am invincible....

Or was.

Now I sit here all alone, a bottle of Port my only friend. I have been alone before. But it has been so long ago, a virtual lifetime, that I have forgotten what it is like to have my own thoughts. I hear only my own voice in my head. I am doing everything for myself with no thought or reaction given to anyone else. It feels so strange. It is quiet. I have not known silence for a very long time. Have I ever? I do not remember it sounding this way. I do not like it. I am not one for fear or tears but today I experience both. Alone. Without. Dejected. I feel worthless. Like something I did a while back was so bad that today I finally receive my punishment. Something so bad that the Gods had to wait and think about what to do to me. And, I don't even recall the crime. It must have been terrible, because, I feel awful. With no recollection, I only hope this is fitting. I look skyward and ask the Gods to be fair. Where do I go from here? With the rising delirium in my head, I wonder if I even care anymore. But perhaps I do. I am not completely drunk yet. I still have some senses and feeling in my hands. I take another long swallow. Another heavy sigh escapes my lips. Lips. Hmm. I can remember *hers*. So soft, so sweet, like morning dew. They were so tender. So gentle. They touched mine with butterfly wings. Or with as much passion and fire as Hades himself. My body shudders at the thought. I wonder if I will ever get to kiss her again, let alone touch her intimately. Goddess I hope so. Just one more kiss. Please? I can live without the rest. All of it. But her lips... her kiss was proof of her love. Of my love. I do not want it to be gone! I want her back. I want her forever. Just like we dreamed about. I was not done loving her.

Face it warrior, she is done loving you.

I shout out her name! I curse the Gods above. WHY? Why do I always lose what I want so badly? Do I ask for too much? Am I too demanding? Are my desires impossible to fulfill? Why does love have to hurt so much? I do not give it away so lightly to just anyone. When it happens it is very real and sincere. Perhaps I have a character flaw I am too blind to see. Maybe black isn't my color. (Oh well, I made myself laugh!) Maybe she is laughing at *me* now. I don't know. I don't want to. Perhaps I will become a traveling cynic. Not a bard. That was her forte. I will become the prophet of doom or some such idiocy. Yeah. I think the wine is getting to me now.

I am back to what do I do with my life now. I still have some dreams, some aspirations. I still want to live. I am not suicidal. I never have been the self-destructive type. I am a fighter. A warrior. I always win in the end. I know I will get through this but I will suffer in the mean time. Maybe suffering is good. Maybe it makes you stronger. It will certainly arise the opportunity to see if this was real or not. I talk as if this woman was my entire life. I have a past. She was not always a part of me. She is just a part that once I found, I did not want to let go. She quickly became my life. I asked myself everyday how could that be. I never got an answer. I still believe she is my fate. My destiny. My missing link. I still believe that one day we will be together. I still carry faith in my heart. I *know* she loves me. I just know it. I just hope she knows I will wait for her. Forever. If I die tomorrow, I hope someone, someday tells her I how much I loved her. That I will always carry a piece of her with me. Now and forever.

I have a raging headache now. Why I drank the whole bottle of Port, I do not know. I am wallowing in self-pity, I suppose. I am going to take a long nap and hopefully not dream of her. I want some rest. Honestly, I really want to pass out and forget. Forget everything. That is a lie. No, I don't. If I had my choice, I would dream of her all day. I would envision her beautiful face, her hands, and her body next to mine. Holding me tight. Whispering soft "I love you's" in my ear. Comforting me and telling me everything will be okay. Maybe this is another of my dreams.

Tomorrow is the first day of a new life. I will not count today because she was a part of it this morning. That seems reasonable to me in my state! It is only just past noon now. I will go feed Argo and find a soft warm spot in the sun to relax and sleep. Everything will be fine tomorrow. She told me so.

I believe in her and I believe in her love. I have to."

The End

Zea... still waiting.

The Bard's Corner