Jay spent Wednesday night in the apartment, surrounded by Kate's scent and the lingering fragrance of her perfume on the pillows and sheets. While Jay had found that somewhat comforting, it also had made the longing for her more acute.

She turned in the first sidebar before leaving for Jacksonville Thursday afternoon, calling Peter when she checked into her hotel. He had told her only that Kate had been in touch late the night before, that she had been followed in two places by the media, that she had managed to lose them after deceiving them, and then gone on her way. When Jay asked him if he thought her lover would be home soon, he simply indicated that he had told Kate of her impending trip to Florida and her plans to be at the house in Albany over the weekend. He never answered the question one way or the other.

Friday night, true to his word, Peter met Jay at the house with Fred and dinner in tow. She already had been there for a couple of hours, and had ferreted out six dozen roses in various locations throughout the house: three dozen red and three dozen yellow, each with a card containing some expression of love and devotion that made her ache for her partner's presence. She also had found the stash of comic books, with a note indicating that "this ought to keep you busy and out of trouble for a while," and that Kate expected that, if she gave it a chance, she'd understand the draw of Aqua Man, Captain America, and the Flash, too. Jay had smiled wistfully, thinking to herself that she'd much rather be personally persuaded by a certain someone than discover an affinity for them on her own.

The dinner with Peter was a nice diversion, although he seemed somewhat uncomfortable. She imagined that was because he could not tell her what she really wanted to know, which was when she might see her fiancÈe again, or where she might be at that particular moment. For yet another night, she cried herself to sleep, this time in her lover's bed with Fred lying nearby. He seemed to sense her distress and followed her everywhere, staying close by her side, putting his head on her lap as she sobbed, and giving her his favorite stuffed toys to comfort her.

On Saturday she sat down to write the story of the memorial service, but was too distracted. She called Peter to find that Kate had, indeed, called in late the night before after he had gotten home from dinner to say that she was fine, and to tell Jay that she loved her and missed her. The younger woman felt the walls closing in on her after that and set out for Kaaterskill Falls with Fred and a little lunch. The two hiked the same route they had taken with Fred's mistress previously and stopped to have lunch by the waterfall, where Jay cried thinking back to the sweetness of that first real date they had shared, and how it had culminated later that night, or, more accurately, early the next morning.

Saturday night Barbara stopped by to see how Jay was doing. She related that she had bumped into Kate on her way back to Albany Tuesday, the day all hell had broken loose, and their mutual friend had asked her to check in on her. The two women spent a little time just talking and getting to know one another a bit better, each finding that she liked the other immensely and that they shared some common interests and philosophies.

After Barbara left Jay dialed Peter to discover that she had just missed Kate, who again sent her love. "Did she say she was coming home?" she asked hopefully. She missed her so much it was making her sick to her stomach.

"No, honey, she didn't. She just said she'd call again tomorrow sometime. I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Peter, I appreciate everything you're doing."

"You're welcome, Jay. You know I'll do everything I can for both of you, right?" He had been worried by her appearance the night before and had told Kate so on the phone. She had looked tired and drawn, with no sparkle in her eyes, she'd hardly touched her dinner, and it was clear that she was getting more depressed with each passing day. He would have felt better, he thought, if she at least had gotten angry. Somehow he had expected her to react differently than this. After all, she had plenty of spunk and seemed an equal match for Kate in terms of determination and will. But, then again, he was smart enough to know that there was probably a lot about her that he didn't know.

Sunday was set aside for writing the memorial service sidebar, which Jay did, sitting down at her new word processor for the first time in her lover's office. There was a note on it, telling her that Kate knew the next great American novel was going to be penned on this machine, and that she was so proud of her. Reading it, Jay cried for what seemed like the tenth time that day.

She talked to Peter again that night just to check in and let him know she was going to the City via train in the morning to turn in the story. She was planning to leave her car at the train station, but Peter offered to come by and get her instead. By this time, Jay was so depressed she had stopped even asking him for any details of her fiancÈe's whereabouts or actions. She only passed along the usual message: that she loved her and missed her and wished she were coming home. At her core, Jay was afraid that she had been right: nothing as wonderful as Kate could really be meant to happen to her.

*********

Kate, meanwhile, was in no better shape than Jay. On Thursday morning she got up early and took a run, then climbed to the top of one of the tallest sand dunes in North America, watching the sun rise over the spectacular snow-covered peaks of the Sangre de Cristo mountains. It was breathtaking. She had selected this spot, as she had the others she would visit, because it was among the most spiritual, most peaceful places in the country; she hoped these vistas would be a balm to her tattered soul. She was all alone up there, not another soul in sight at that early hour, and she sobbed until she had no tears left to give.

She cried for the happiness that she had been forced to sacrifice, and the love that was so far away; she cried for the pain the separation was causing Jay, and for a future she had just begun to consider, but now knew she would never have. She sat like that for hours, knees pulled up tight to her chin, rocking back and forth in a vain effort to comfort herself. There was only one thing, one person, who could bring her solace, and she wasn't selfish enough to put her own needs above those of her lover. No, she would have to work through the pain on her own.

Eventually, Kate descended the dunes and detoured to the Zapata Falls on her way out of the area, but the water was running so high she wasn't able to get too far, and turned back to the car to continue on her journey. It took her nearly five hours on US 160 West, climbing over the treacherous Wolf Creek Pass, to make it to Mesa Verde. On the way through the pass, she had gotten out at a scenic overlook to peek over a breathtaking valley below, and to stretch her abused body. By the time she stopped for the night in the Mesa Verde National Park at the Far View Lodge, she was so tired she could barely see straight and wanted simply to be able to close her eyes and shut out the emotional pain that had been buffeting her continuously for two days. My God, had it only been that long since she had last held Jay and made love to her?

Calling Peter to let him know she had reached her next destination, she got the information that Jay had landed safely in Jacksonville and that he would be having dinner with her at the house the next night. He wanted to suggest to her that she call her fiancÈe once she had arrived home at their house, but he resisted, knowing that Kate would do whatever she thought was best in this situation and needed no prodding from him, just his unconditional support.

Unable to get her mind to stop spinning, she was up and dressed in running clothes once again before dawn on Friday, her long legs eating up the winding curves of the pavement as she wended her way up and down the inclines, occasionally catching glimpses of Shiprock, New Mexico, the Four Corners where Utah, Colorado, Arizona and New Mexico intersect, and the various types of wildlife that populated the area.

She spent the rest of the day hiking the trails in the park and touring the ruins of cliff dwellings created from 600 A.D. to 1200 A.D. She marveled at the Cliff Palace, so well preserved that it was easy to envision hundreds of Anasazi people populating the structure, built literally right into the side of a cliff. She made the steep ascent up the Spruce Canyon Trail and climbed the ladder to access the Spruce Tree House, amazed at the ingenuity it must have taken to create such a beautiful and practical dwelling. Then she ventured over to the Balcony House dwelling before proceeding to several others in a different part of the park.

The history and architecture fascinated her, and the engineering skill of these long-ago peoples astounded her. Beyond all that, though, there was something inherently spiritual about the place that beckoned to her, and Kate felt the pull of that at her core. She decided to spend a second night at the lodge before heading out in the morning.

Once she had made the arrangements, she settled in for the evening and tried to read for a while. Her mind kept drifting to Jay, though, and she found herself reading the same paragraph over and over again. Finally, she gave up, setting the book aside and turning on CNN instead. That, however, made her even more melancholy than she already was, so she turned it off and closed her eyes, allowing her mind to wander.

She felt so off-balance; so rudderless. What was she going to do with her life when things settled down and she didn't need to be out of sight anymore? By then, surely Jay would have gotten over her. In truth, at the moment she didn't care about her professional future, but she knew that sooner or later she would have to do something. She was pretty sure her days as a broadcast journalist were finished; the business had very little use for "out" lesbians.

So then what? A degree in American History made her well rounded, but not specifically qualified for anything. She could go to law school, something she had considered when she graduated college. It wasn't as if she couldn't handle the class work. But she didn't think she really wanted to go back to school at this point in her life; not to mention the financial resources it would take to do so. Frankly, she was too tired to think clearly about what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She checked her watch: it was close to 11 p.m. Friday night in Albany. Peter should be back from his dinner with Jay by now. She called him, getting him on the second ring.

"Hey, Technowiz."

"Hi yourself." Wow, she sounded terrible: tired, depressed and lonely, and he could tell that from just two words. Not good.

"How was your dinner with the most lovely woman in the world?" She couldn't help the smile the mere thought of Jay brought to her lips.

"Well, I enjoyed it. She, on the other hand, barely ate a bite."

"Why, did you cook it?"

"Very funny, string bean. No, I brought takeout Chinese, which she said she loved, and managed to push around her plate for the better part of an hour."

"Hmm. That doesn't sound like the Jay I know. That woman can eat more than most NFL linemen. I never understood where she put it all."

"It's not good, my friend. She looks drawn and tired and emotionally distressed. It's odd, really, I would have expected her to be more angry and insistent on getting answers from me. All she wants to know is when you're coming home."

Tears tracked silently down chiseled cheekbones. Peter knew nothing of Jay's background, and therefore couldn't understand what Kate knew: Jay wouldn't push this because, deep down inside, she expected the worst and thought she deserved it. It was what she had always gotten. There hadn't really been enough time for Kate to establish a trustworthy track record. By disappearing she had unleashed all of Jay's doubts and insecurities.

Kate knew a moment of uncertainty. Was she doing the right thing by staying away? There was silence on the line for several moments. "Did she make out okay in Jacksonville?"

"Yeah, said she got some great human interest stuff and a few minutes with President Reagan. Said he was very charismatic."

"Mm. I know; I've met him, too. Lousy politics, but an engaging man."

"That's pretty much what she said."

"Did she, um, say anything about finding anything in the house?"

"No, but I did notice a profusion of roses in vases everywhere I turned. You wouldn't have had anything to do with that, now would you?"

"Me? Nah, not a romantic bone in my body." She knew Jay was a very private person and probably wouldn't have shared the information about the flowers and the comic books, but it was worth asking. Anything that told her that her lover knew how she felt would have helped soothe the pain a bit.

Peter snorted. "Where are you and where are you heading next?"

"I'm still at Mesa Verde. I'll head out first thing in the morning and point myself in the direction of Sedona. I'll probably make some side trips along the way, so I'm not really sure how long it will take me or where I'll detour to, but I'll call you when I settle for the night."

"Okay. Kate, I called Barbara when I got home tonight and asked her to stop by and see Jay tomorrow night."

"Why?" There was a note of alarm in her voice. "Is she sick?"

"Heartsick, to be sure. And if she keeps going the way she is, she'll be physically sick soon enough." This time Peter could hear the sobs on the other end of the line. He closed his eyes, imagining that his blue-eyed friend wasn't doing any better than her fiancÈe. He gave her a minute to compose herself, before continuing gently, "I just thought maybe Barbara could get her to talk a little. Right now she's trying hard to bottle everything up inside, and I'm afraid what will happen when she lets it all go."

"You're a good man and a better friend, Peter. Thank you for taking such good care of her. You have no idea how much I appreciate it."

"I know she means the world to you, Kate. And that means she means the world to me, too, and I know Barbara feels the same way."

"Thanks, friend, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Will you talk to Barbara after she sees Jay?"

"Yes, we made arrangements to talk. I figured you'd want a second opinion tomorrow night."

"Yeah. Thanks, buddy." Kate would wait and see what Barbara had to say before deciding whether or not she needed to change strategy.

"You're welcome, Kate. Hey, take care of yourself now, you hear?"

"'Bye, Peter."

"See ya, babe."

Kate spent Saturday driving through parts of the Navajo and Hopi reservations, stopping often to talk to the Native American craftsmen who were selling their wares along the side of the road. Unable to resist, she purchased a beautifully woven Navajo blanket for Jay and an intricately carved silver bracelet for her from a Hopi woman who had engaged her in conversation.

She drove through Shiprock, New Mexico and Monument Valley in Arizona, her mind easily conjuring all those old westerns in which this exact scenery had provided the backdrop for countless hours of melodrama. She stopped briefly as the shadows grew long on Saturday at the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. She didn't want to linger long there; it was too populated with tourists and she didn't want to take a chance on being recognized, although as rough as she knew she looked she doubted anyone would know who she was.

She found a small motel on US 89 south of the Canyon, where she stopped for the night. Waiting until she was sure Barbara and Peter would have talked already, she made her nightly phone call, this time getting her friend on the first ring.

"Well, what's the word?"

"Hello to you too, sunshine."

"Have you talked to Barbara?"

"Yess."

"And?"

"And she agrees with me that Jay is seriously depressed and missing you like crazy. She's not eating, not sleeping, and even Fred knows something is wrong; he follows her everywhere, tries to give her his favorite stuffed toys to cheer her up, and puts his head on her lap when she sits down."

"I'm glad he's there for her." "Damn, should I go back?"

"Me too. She told me she tried to sit down and write the memorial service story today but couldn't focus. So she took Fred and went to Kaaterskill Falls for a hike."

Kate's breathing caught as she envisioned her lover sitting alone in the spot where they had shared their first picnic and their budding romance. There was a sharp pain in her chest where her heart used to be. "Oh, love," she thought, "It must have been so hard for you, being there by yourself."

Peter continued, "She said she's going to write the story tomorrow, stay at the house tomorrow night and then travel to the City Monday morning."

"Have you seen anything?" Kate had asked Peter each night whether or not he'd spotted any stories about her or seen anyone anywhere near Jay.

"Still not a word since the TV coverage the day the news release came out." "No, I won't go back now, this way at least I know she's still safe from scrutiny, if not happy. Her future is what's important; she can get over me."

Kate thought about that first bit of news coverage: that had been hard, each of the local news stations reporting that Kate had departed abruptly following some "adverse" publicity. To their credit, the competition had shown some class and didn't trash her. She was grateful for their respect.

"I think the reporter and photographers who hounded me must have been from the tabloids; probably the Globe and the Enquirer. Can you figure out when they publish? I guess we know the Enquirer comes out on Tuesday. How about the Globe?"

"I'll have an answer for you tomorrow when I talk to you."

"Okay, 'night, Peter."

"'Bye Kate."

On Sunday she stopped first at the Wapatki National Monument to hike the area and investigate some well-preserved and diverse ruins, before moving on to Flagstaff and the Kaibab National Forest, where she explored a number of hiking trails. She thought about stopping there for the night but decided it was too early, and ventured instead on a side trip to the Walnut Canyon National Monument. There she found a beautiful canyon with a clear stream at the base and more unique ruins. Finally drained of her manic energy, she returned to Flagstaff to find yet another small motel for the night.

Her conversation with Peter was brief. He relayed that he was taking Jay to the train station early in the morning, and that she had told him to tell Kate that she loved her and missed her and wished that she were coming home. He also told the ex-anchorwoman that this week's edition of the Globe was due to hit newsstands Monday morning, as in tomorrow.

Kate informed him that she was in a town big enough to have a newsstand, and that she would check out the story first thing and call him right away to discuss it. They rang off.

*********

Peter dropped Jay at the train station Monday morning in plenty of time to make the 6 a.m. express to New York. She smiled sadly when she thought how easy it was to be on time when there were no distractions in the house. Since she had some extra time to kill, she wandered into the newsstand. She browsed the magazines briefly before her eyes fell on the front page of the Globe. She snatched up a copy and threw some change on the counter just as her train was being called.

Once onboard she picked her usual window seat in an isolated car and pulled the tabloid out of her briefcase. There were two pictures of Kate, a large one on the front apparently taken in Chicago on Wednesday, according to the caption. An old woman, identified only as "Aunt Marie," a mother figure to the deposed anchorwoman, was greeting her. They were loading her suitcase into the trunk of a large sedan. The second picture, which was on the inside cover along with an accompanying story, was of Kate at the airport in Albany awaiting her flight to Chicago. As always, she looked calm and regal. Jay touched the pictures, as if the gesture would bring her closer to her lover.

Then her eyes fell to the story with the banner headline that read, "Gorgeous Lesbian Anchorwoman Leaves a String of Broken Hearts Across the Country." Jay groaned as she read, "Sensational beauty and now ex-anchorwoman Katherine Kyle abruptly disappeared from the airwaves on Tuesday, the day photographs were published of her and a mysterious blonde woman cavorting on a beach in the tiny tropical paradise of St. John. The Globe caught up to Ms. Kyle as she fled her hometown to lick her wounds with relatives in Chicago; she was quite alone, the blonde nowhere in sight. Apparently, that is not unusual for Kyle, as the Globe's investigative journalists have uncovered a bevy of broken hearts the statuesque siren has left behind all over the country.

Jay read the story over several times, her insecurities multiplying by the minute. She knew the forest ranger quoted had to be Jen, the EMT that had treated her the night of the attack that Kate had interrupted. She had no idea who the other women the story quoted could be, nor could she figure out who the woman was in Chicago who obviously had picked her lover up at the airport.

Peter had said that Kate had seen the photographers and reporters, and had managed to deceive them and lose them. What exactly did that mean? Who was this mysterious relative? Hadn't Kate told her she didn't have any living relatives, that Jay was her family now? Had she meant that, or was she just another in a long line of jilted lovers? Had she been played for a sucker?

Kate had seemed so sincere, so in love with her. Was she really, or was she just a great actress? "Parker, it's the story of your life; if it seems to be too good to be true, it probably is." Jay started to get agitated. Why hadn't Kate gotten in touch with her? She knew, according to Peter, that Jay was staying at the house; she could have called any time. And why wouldn't she say where she was? Was she already off wooing some other unsuspecting potential lover? Jay's overtired mind leapt to all kinds of conclusions.

By the time the train pulled into the station and she made her way to the apartment before heading to the office, she was in a full-blown rage. She was exhausted and emotionally wrecked, and beyond feeling anything but pain and betrayal.

*********

Kate ran to the nearest newsstand as soon as it opened at 5 a.m. local time, knowing that it was two hours later at home and Peter already should have the story in his hands. She looked at the photographs and read the story once quickly, and then again more thoroughly, raising her eyebrows at the fact that they had managed to unearth Jen. And then built a pack of lies around a truth her ex-lover had told to make it more plausible. Typical tabloid bullshit.

She sighed and chewed her lip. Either Jay would see the story on her own, or Trish or some other helpful person would call it to her attention. What would she think? Kate's face was grim as she added up the likely conclusions that her sometimes-insecure lover might draw, if left to her own devices. She'd better talk to her.

Peter answered his office phone on the first ring. "Peter Enright."

"Yeah, I know who you are."

"Good morning. I take it you've seen this morning's trash."

"Yeah. They took one tiny shred of truth, that Jen and I had a relationship and that she broke up with me because she thought, ironically enough, that I was in love with Jay all those years ago, and blew it up into me being the cold-hearted bitch-slut of the century. Yipee."

"Don't sweat it, babe, you know how ridiculous the whole thing is."

"Yeah, I do, but does Jay? She has a tendency to let her imagination get carried away with her, Peter. She's had a lot of really bad stuff happen to her and she doesn't think she's worthy of being loved; she simply doesn't trust that that kind of love exists for her, and I can't be there to reassure her. " She paused, sighing heavily. "I think I need to talk to her now, buddy; I'm sure she'll see this and her brain will start working overtime."

Kate looked at her watch; it was nearly 9:10 a.m. in New York. "I bet she'll go to the apartment before she heads to the office. Can you call her there now and conference me with her?"

"Yep. I'll put you on hold, dial her, then bring you back in and take myself out, okay? It will just be you two, I promise."

"Thanks Peter. You're a prince."

"Don't thank me yet..."

"Jay, are you there?"

"Yes."

"Kate, how 'bout you?"

"Right here, Technowiz."

"Okay. Well, I'll leave you two to it then. See ya."

There was silence on the line for half a beat as Kate just enjoyed the sound of her lover breathing at the other end.

"Hi sweetheart, how are you?"

"Great," Jay answered sarcastically, "You? Are you having fun on your 'vacation'?"

Kate was taken aback by the biting tone. "Is that what you think, that I'm just off having a good time?" she asked softly. "I miss you so much it's tearing me up inside. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about you and wish I could be with you."

"I bet that's what you say to all the girls, isn't it?" Jay shot back, unwilling to be deterred and way too tired to think straight.

"Don't believe everything you read, love. I take it you've seen the Globe this morning."

"Oh yeah, I saw it. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you haven't told me where you are, or that you haven't wanted to talk to me, even though you knew full well where I was. You've probably already moved on to the next sucker, haven't you? How stupid could I be to think someone as perfect as you really could be interested in me as anything other than the flavor of the month? Jesus, Jamison, just take out an ad that says, 'My name is Jay and I'm naïve, please step on me now and then kick me when I'm down.'"

Kate was reeling. She had expected her lover to be confused, perhaps even upset about the article, but this...everything she'd done, she'd done because she loved this woman heart and soul. And all Jay could think was that once again someone she loved had betrayed her trust and given her what she thought she deserved. Kate's heart shattered in pieces right there in the hotel room, but Jay was too far gone to feel it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Jay," she said stiffly.

"That's what you have to say?"

"Yes." "Go ahead, Kyle, let her get good and mad. She's been conditioned to expect the worst for 25 years; that's not going to change in the month that you've had together. From where she's sitting, it looks to her like you've just been using her. Let her think that; maybe it will help her get over you faster. This is best for her; anger always supercedes pain. She'll be fine. Let her go." This Kate thought even as she was dying inside.

"Fine then. I hope you and...whoever your next conquest is...are having a wonderful time. Don't bother sending me a postcard. Goodbye, Kate."

"Goodbye, my love," Kate said to the dial tone on the other end. "I will be yours 'til the end of time and beyond. I hope someday you'll know that." She dissolved into tears, huge, wracking sobs that burst forth from her tortured soul as she lay face down in the pillow.

*********

After slamming down the receiver Jay picked it up to dial once again with shaking hands. "Peter?"

"Hi half-pint, how did it go? It must have been great to be able to talk to her, huh?"

"Oh yeah, a real pleasure," Jay ground out.

Peter was immediately alert and concerned. "What happened, Jay?"

"Never mind, I just think it would be better if you went over and took Fred, okay? I'll come by later or tomorrow sometime to get my things, give you the key and have you undo whatever it was you did that allowed me to set and deactivate the security system."

"Whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?"

Jay proceeded to relate in detail everything she had said to Kate and her lover's responses.

When she was done he screamed into the phone, "YOU SAID WHAT? YOU DID WHAT? Oh my God, oh my God. Shit, I've got to find her before she really does disappear."

The decibel level of Peter's voice shocked Jay. She had never heard him lose his cool before. Testily, she said, "It figures. I'm the one who gets screwed, and you're worried about her. Guess she's got you wrapped around her little finger too, huh?"

"You listen to me, Jamison Parker," he said in a low, barely-controlled growl. "I know that you've been hurting over all this. Kate told me that she was worried how you would react to the article. She didn't tell me why, just that you had had a lot of bad stuff happen to you and that she was concerned that your imagination would run away with you." He paused a second for thought. "Boy, I guess she got that right, now didn't she?

"Now let me tell you a thing or two about our friend Ms. Kyle: in all the years I have known that woman I have never, ever known her to be anything but painfully honest. I personally have watched her shun gorgeous women who literally have thrown themselves at her feet because she didn't want to hurt or mislead them. She has avoided relationships, yes even casual sex, for years because, as she always put it, 'The right one is out there for me, and until she comes along, I'll just wait on the sidelines, thank you very much.' Hell, I didn't think people like that still existed! So many people misunderstood and labeled her 'cold and aloof...the ice princess.' She never showed how much that hurt her; she just let them think what they would and went about her life with style and class. Katherine Kyle has more integrity than anyone I've ever known, and that's going a ways.

"When she fell so hard for you, I was flabbergasted and overjoyed. I never thought I'd see the day that my best friend would find true love and happiness. But she found it with you. When she told me she had proposed to you, well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. And when all this bullshit happened, I was sick for her that she felt so strongly that she would do anything in the world to protect you. Yes, she went away to protect you, Jay, because she thought your future and your career were worth more than her happiness and her future, despite my arguments and Barbara's arguments to the contrary. She was adamant that she would never do anything to jeopardize you, no matter what it cost her. Being away from you was killing her, and, frankly, I don't know what she'll do now."

Jay felt any remaining color drain from her face.

On a roll, Peter was too upset to hold anything back. "Today, this morning, when she didn't refute anything you said, that was her way of letting you get on with your life because she knew that if you were truly angry at her, that would override the hurt you were feeling and you could move on and stay anonymous and have the life and career she thought you deserved. Bully for her, she's a better person than I, I don't think I could have done what she did."

By this time Jay was beside herself. The tears rolled down her cheeks unimpeded and she felt so sick to her stomach she thought she might have to make a run to the bathroom. "God, I'm such an idiot. What have I done? Now she thinks I don't believe in her and she has nothing to come back to. She's hurting and alone and I just threw grease on the fire. Peter I'm so, so sorry. Oh God, this is all my fault."

"It's not me you need to apologize to, Jay," he said quietly, hearing how distraught she was. Kate would kill him if she knew he had made her lover feel badly, but he felt he owed it to both of them for Jay to know the unvarnished truth. After a few seconds he said, "Do you love her?"

"More than life itself."

"You'd better mean that, young lady."

"You have no idea," she answered.

"Okay."

"Can you get her on the phone for me again; if she'll take my call, I mean?"

Peter sighed heavily and ran his hand through his thick hair. "I don't know where she is, Jay. I don't know where she called me from."

"You don't?"

"No, she never gave me the names of the places she was staying, only a rough idea of where in the world she was. She wanted to be so careful; she didn't want there to be any way anyone could trace her. Heck, she's been paying for everything with cash and even took a detour to Chicago with the help of an old theatre friend of hers to fool those tabloid jerks into thinking she was going to be staying with a matronly aunt for a few months. All to keep them away from you. She made me promise I would keep an eye out and wouldn't let the media anywhere near you. I've never seen her this crazed about anything. She gave up everything that she was, everything that she had, for you.

"And Jay, despite the things you said to her this morning, she'll continue to protect you and keep you safe. Kate loves you with all her being. Knowing her, no matter what you did, or do, to her, that will always be the case. She never does things in half measures."

"I have to make this right. Somehow, I have to make this right." Jay's head was about to explode. After a minute she said, "I know what I have to do." It was as if she was talking to herself and she'd forgotten that Peter was even there. "Peter? I'm going to the office now. I need to talk to Trish."

"Wait a minute, Jay. Wait. Don't do anything rash, now. Kate has gone to a lot of trouble to keep you out of harm's way. If you fly in the face of that, she'll murder me."

Jay smiled for the first time in what seemed like years. "Don't worry, baby, I'll protect you," she teased. "Listen, I have to turn in my story and see what, if anything, my next assignment is. By the time I'm done with that, can you try to pinpoint where you think she might be so that I can go find her?"

"I don't know, Jay..."

"Peter, please. I know you probably don't like me very much right now. Heck, I don't much like myself. But I do love Kate with all my heart and soul, and I'm not giving us up without a fight. I just made the biggest mistake of my life, but I'm going to do everything in my power to fix it. Will you help me? For Kate's sake?"

Now that was more like what Peter had expected from Jay in the first place. He felt better already. Maybe this could work out in the end. "God, you are incorrigible, you know that?"

"So I've been told."

"Okay, call me back when you've done what you need to do." In spite of the fact that she had just trampled all over his best friend and likely broken her heart in a million pieces, he did know that they loved each other more than any couple he'd ever seen, and any fool could see that they belonged together. Beyond that, he liked the little imp. She'd been under a lot of strain and was exhausted and depressed; clearly she just hadn't been thinking straight before she jumped in with both feet. He shook his head, "You're turning into an old sentimental mushball, Enright. Disgusting."

*********

Jay showed up in the office just before 10 a.m. and found Trish buried behind stacks of paper.

"Hiya, kiddo," the editor said without looking up. "Got a story for me?"

"Here it is," the writer said so quietly Trish almost didn't hear her; that made her look up.

"Geez, you look terrible, kid. What the hell happened to you? Come on, come with me." Without waiting for an answer she led Jay out of the office and down to the coffee shop downstairs. "What's up, Jay? This isn't like you. What's the matter?"

Jay couldn't look her in the eye. "I need to tell you something, Trish, and I'll understand, whatever you decide to do about it."

"Sounds ominous. What is it?"

"You remember you showed me those pictures last week in the Enquirer of Katherine Kyle?"

"Yeah," the editor drew the word out. "The ones that made her lose her job."

"Yeah."

"So?"

Jay looked up and pinned her friend and editor with a piercing stare, her chin held high. "I'm the other woman in those pictures."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that the woman Kate was kissing was me. We'd gone away to St. John to get away from everything. That picture was taken the day she proposed to me." She smiled wistfully.

"Holy Mother...you mean you're getting married...to her? Wow, Jay. Wow."

The writer plowed on, "And now she's disappeared in order to protect my career and my future and to keep the tabloid vultures away from me. When she realized that no one could see my face and even you didn't know who 'the blonde' was, she devised a plan to keep anyone from figuring it out."

The editor whistled. "Now that's love."

"Yeah, the only problem is that I saw the item in the Globe this morning and I let some ugly stuff from my past get in the way. It was the first time I'd talked to her since she went away, and I said some very ugly things and now she thinks I don't believe in her and there's nothing to come home to and I have no way to get in touch with her. I don't even know where she is, no one does, exactly." Jay raked her fingers through her hair.

"Huh."

"I'm sorry, Trish, I never meant to mislead you. We weren't involved when you assigned me the story and we didn't get involved until after I'd finished all the research and all the interviews..."

"Jay, stop it, hon. Listen to me. You're the best damn reporter I got. You wrote a fabulous story. I sure couldn't figure out that you were involved with her, so I know it must have been objective. I know you would never do something like that on purpose. It's okay. Really. I don't care. You've got so much potential, Jay, it just doesn't matter to me. You can love anyone you want. Hell, who wouldn't want to be married to that woman!"

Jay smiled shyly. "Yeah, she's pretty amazing, isn't she?"

"Yep, honey, she's a real looker. So this is what we're going to do: I'm going to put you on floater status." She winked. "No firm assignment, just an 'in case' kind of deal. You call in once a day this week to see if I've got anything for you, okay?"

"Are you sure?"

It was the first spark of life Trish had seen in her friend's eyes yet. "Positive. You love her, right?"

"Oh God, do I."

"Then go get her and bring her back here. I don't give a damn what they say about you, you're mine and I'm not going to let anyone mess with you. Don't worry. Now you better get going, and don't forget to invite me to the wedding."

"You're the best, Trish," Jay gushed, getting up and hugging her friend hard.

"Careful, you'll bruise me. I'll talk to you tomorrow, kid; let me know how it's going."

Jay nodded and ran out of the coffee shop and out the front door of the building, not stopping until she was on the subway headed to the apartment.

"What do you have, Peter? Anything?" She was breathless.

"Nothing solid, but I have a pretty good guess."

"Okay, I'm listening."

He could hear the life in her voice, the first time he'd heard it since Kate had been gone, and it made him smile. "I think she was in Flagstaff this morning when you talked to her. She said she was someplace big enough that they had a newsstand, which knocks out everyplace else in the area. I think she was on her way to Sedona."

"That would make sense. She told me once that it was one of her favorite places and she'd been there many times."

"I can't guarantee that she'll follow through with that now, though."

Jay closed her eyes and thought for a minute. "I think she will. It's a very important place to her, and I would think she'd want to seek solace in the familiar." Her chest ached at the thought. "Oh, love, I'm so, so sorry. I'm going to find you, whatever it takes, and get you back here with me, where you belong."

"You may be right about that. If not, there's not much I can do to find her under the radar screen without alerting people we don't want to alert."

"I hope you're right, Peter, and my heart tells me you are."

"Good, 'cause I've taken the liberty of booking you on the next plane leaving from New York for Phoenix in oh, two hours. And, I've got you a private plane from Phoenix to the Sedona airport."

"You're amazing!"

"Don't mention it. There's a car waiting for you downstairs to take you to the airport when you're ready. Don't worry, the driver won't ask any questions."

"Peter, do you think you'll hear from her again before I see her?"

"I don't know, I don't think so. Kate tends to pull completely into herself when she's wounded."

The thought of that made a silent tear slide down Jay's face. "Okay, but if she does..."

"Don't worry, I'll handle it. Call me when you land in Phoenix and I'll give you an update."

"Thanks, Peter, you're a prince."

He rolled his eyes. "Now you sound like someone else I know."

"'Bye, Peter."

"'Bye, Jay. Good luck."

"Thanks."

*********

Kate wasn't sure how long she'd lain there crying. Eventually she fell asleep for a short period of time, her body reacting to the extreme emotional release. When she awoke, all she wanted to do was run away and never stop. The pain was unbearable. She had hoped the combination of her love and time would be enough to help Jay over her insecurities. Now she knew that it was something Jay was going to have to work out for herself. Kate had failed; she had gambled on the strength of Jay's faith in her and lost. Now her lover was gone for good.

She thought about her options: there was nothing she needed to be doing, no responsibilities to be taken care of, and no place she needed to be. She literally could drop off the face of the Earth and no one would care, except for maybe Fred, Peter and Barbara. She'd go back briefly and pick up Fred, the other two would get over it.

As she lay there on her back thinking, a wave of nearly nauseating fear struck her. She opened her eyes wide. Odd; it was as if it wasn't coming from her, but from somewhere else. She quieted her mind and concentrated on the feeling. After a few minutes the fear was replaced by self-loathing, resignation and despair. Huh. Kate remembered her conversation with her lover the day she'd gotten fired, when Jay had told her she could feel Kate's anger and distress. Could these be Jay's feelings and not hers?

She thought about it for a minute. The sensations certainly weren't consistent with Kate's normal range of reactions; but then, these weren't normal circumstances. It wasn't every day your heart stopped beating while you were still alive and breathing. As she was debating this, the emotion shifted to a sense of determination. Definitely Jay, she thought; it sure as hell wasn't her right now. She wondered what it meant. Then, just as quickly, she tried to put it out of her mind. Jay had made it clear where she stood, and Kate would do well to try to train herself to let go.

Nonetheless, the fact that she had some connection to the love of her life gave her cause to be grateful. She decided to get up, shower, and move on to Sedona as she had planned. It was, after all, one of the most spiritual places in the world and God knows she needed the help right now.

*********

Jay twirled the ring on her finger for the thousandth time, watching it sparkle, taking it off and looking at the small, neat script her lover had engraved on the inside of the band: Forever; she could only hope it was still true. She was almost there. If she could have flapped her wings herself, she would have; the flights seemingly had dragged on for an eternity. There had been plenty of time to think, though, and it had made her miserable. Now that Peter had knocked some sense into her, it was all so clear: Kate had given up everything for love; everything for her˜her career, her future, her life and her happiness. Wow. For her, Jamison Parker.

And she had repaid her lover by doubting her and damning her, judging her not by her actions and words, but by those of a sleazy tabloid reporter. Jay was ashamed of herself. She wished she could somehow turn back the clock and do this morning's conversation over again, but she knew real life didn't work that way; she'd just have to make it right somehow.

She flashed back to the conversations between her and Kate about trust. "She asked me to trust in her, trust in us, and I failed abysmally. Great, Jamison, this time it may have cost you your one chance at love and happiness. Worse yet, you managed to devastate this incredible woman who sacrificed everything for you." She knew she was going to have to work harder to overcome her trust issues, no one else could do that for her, not even Kate; she just hoped she wasn't too late.

*********

As soon as the small plane touched the runway in Sedona, she was out of her seat. Now that she was here, she wasn't sure what to do. There were more than sixty trails in the area, and that was assuming that Kate would have gone hiking. IF she were here, which was yet another assumption. Jay chewed her lip.

Peter had reconstructed the places he thought his friend had been in the week she'd been gone. He knew she'd been to the Great Sand Dunes and to Mesa Verde; he also knew she had stopped briefly at the Grand Canyon. He'd looked at maps and routes and was fairly sure she'd gone through Navajo and Hopi reservations. He thought she'd been in Flagstaff last night or this morning. He had told Jay all of that when she had called him from Phoenix. And he told her that he'd had no word from Kate.

Closing her eyes, Jay tried to focus. She knew Kate favored quiet, peaceful places, mountains and water. She also knew her partner loved to hike. She would have gone hiking someplace quiet where she could be alone. Jay looked at her watch; sunset was a little more than an hour away. She thought about everything she knew about Sedona. Growing up only two hours away, she had spent much time in this land of extraordinary red rock. There were so many beautiful, peaceful places to hike; and then it came to her. All of the places Peter thought Kate had been were spiritually significant. She would have gone to Bell Rock, one of seven vortexes in the world, a fantastic place from which to watch the sun set and perhaps the most spiritual place in this area.

Walking out the front door of the tiny airport, Jay hailed a waiting cab, which she had deliver her to the trailhead for the Bell Rock Pathway. She would have to hustle; it was a three and half mile one-way hike. Fortunately, she had brought only a light backpack with a single change of clothes and her hiking boots, which she put on her feet before settling the pack on her back and setting off up the trail. Although there were several ways to get up Bell Rock, she was fairly confident that this would have been the one her lover had taken; it had the nicest views from the top.

As she jogged up the trail, she tried not to think what she would do if she had guessed wrong and if Kate hadn't come here, or wasn't even in Sedona. She couldn't entertain such notions; her lover had to be here. There wasn't a soul in sight as Jay wended her way up the red rock, red rock dust now coating her boots and a light sheen of sweat on her brow.

Within half an hour, as the trail turned sharply steeper and more difficult to follow, Jay caught a glimpse of a single figure sitting near the very top of the rock formation. She couldn't make out the features or even if it was a man or a woman from this distance, but in her heart she knew it was Kate. She redoubled her efforts, all her energy being poured into getting to that lone figure, fighting for footholds and handholds in the rock, not caring about anything but her ultimate destination.

Twenty minutes later, she was close enough to see clearly that the solitary hiker was, indeed, Kate, and that she had her eyes closed. Jay approached cautiously, quietly, unsure of exactly what to say or do. She got to within seven feet, and her heart broke. She could feel waves of despair and hopelessness that she knew belonged to the proud figure seated before her. Silent tears tracked unhindered down Kate's face; she looked so lost, so forlorn and alone. She was gaunt despite her tan, and too thin, and it was obvious that she didn't know she was being watched.

Looking at that immense pain, Jay began to cry herself. "Oh my God, what have I done to you, my love? I destroyed you. What have I done?" She stood there, rooted to the spot, unable to move forward or back.

Sitting there, deep within her own world of pain and anguish, Kate fought with herself and prayed for wisdom. She had been so sure of herself, so positive that walking away would be the right thing. And on one level it was. But on the other hand...she replayed for the millionth time that morning's phone conversation. Could she live with her lover thinking she'd betrayed her? That she was just like everyone from Jay's past? Kate knew she could survive with Jay believing she'd been played for a sucker and that she was a cold-hearted, scheming bitch. But that Jay would be convinced yet again that she didn't deserve anything better? There was no way that Kate could allow the woman she loved more than anything in the world to spend the rest of her life believing that. She had to go back.

Just as she had reached that conclusion, she suddenly was bombarded by feelings of deep self-loathing and self-recrimination and a stabbing ache in her heart. Her eyes snapped open, knowing instinctively the cause of the emotions. There was Jay, standing mere feet away, tears rolling down her cheeks, pain etched in every aspect of her manner. Red-rimmed and bloodshot blue eyes locked on green for a timeless moment, before Kate simply stood and opened her arms.

Dropping the pack off her shoulders, Jay covered the remaining distance between them in three steps, falling into her lover's arms and choking on her own sobs. "Oh Kate, I love you so much. I would give anything to have this morning to do all over again. I'm so, so sorry. I was over-tired and stressed, and I missed you so much. I wasn't thinking straight and I was way off base. You didn't deserve that. I...I don't even know where to start or how to begin to apologize to you or ask for your forgiveness. I know I have no right to ask it..."

"Shh," her lover interrupted her. "That you're here is enough, love." Kate felt her heart slide back into place. "I wish that we could have been together longer before this happened. If I had only had more time to earn your trust..."

Jay cut her off. "No Kate, you're wrong. You have earned my trust...with every word and every gesture; if I hadn't been half out of my mind with fear, I would have known that. You can't take responsibility for my mistakes, love; I have to do that, and I will. That's why I'm here." She paused. "Well, that and the fact that I love you more than life itself and I can't live without you. Oh, and Fred told me I couldn't come home without his mama."

Kate smiled for the first time in days. "How did you find me?"

"After I hung up on you, I talked to Peter again. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that he helped set me straight." Jay could feel the outrage building in the body holding hers. "Don't Kate, don't get mad at him. He was right; there was so much I didn't know, wasn't seeing, and didn't understand. I begged him to help me locate you; I just had to make this right. I had to. What I did to you this morning was like cutting out my own heart."

A lone tear slid down Kate's face at hearing her own feelings expressed so succinctly.

The two lovers stood there for a time, simply enjoying the feeling of being in each other's arms.

"Kate?"

"Hmm?"

"What were you doing when I walked up?"

"I was asking for guidance."

"Did you get any?"

"Mm hmm. In fact," she squeezed a little tighter, "I had just decided that I needed to come home to you right away and beg you to take me back when you showed up."

Jay looked deeply into the eyes of the woman she loved more than anything in the world, trying to convey with her expression all that she couldn't say. Nudging Kate back into a sitting position, she knelt between her legs. "You know, I was so focused on how bad it felt to be without you after spending every minute together when we were away all I could think about was how unfair it was and how mad I was at the uncertainty of it all; I felt cheated, Kate.

"I didn't stop to consider how you must have been feeling and what you were going through and why. My God, love, you gave up so much for me." Jay shook her head in wonder. "I will learn to get past these trust issues, I swear to you with all that I am I will," she said determinedly, her voice breaking. "And I need you to know, by the way, that my career means nothing without you in my life."

"It's okay, love, your career should mean a lot to you..." She was stopped by a hand on her knee.

"You are everything to me, Katherine Kyle; everything. I told Trish this morning that I was the other woman in the pictures. I told her I was madly in love with you and that we were going to be married..." She paused, looking up hopefully into the face she knew so well, seeking reassurance. What she got was a brilliant smile. "She said she would stand behind me no matter what, and that our relationship and any resulting publicity didn't matter to her in the least. She encouraged me to follow my life and my love." More quietly she added, "And I have."

"Oh, Jay, you shouldn't have put everything on the line like that..."

Green eyes flashed, "Oh I shouldn't, but you should? No double standards here, sweetheart; I won't have it. This is a partnership, remember?"

"Yes, but you could've lost your career, your future."

"You don't get it, love, do you? Losing my job wouldn't have mattered to me as long as I had you by my side. You're all I care about, Kate; everything else pales in comparison." There were tears coursing down Jay's cheeks. "Please, please come home and marry me."

The watery emerald eyes locked onto beloved cobalt blue, the plea evident there, as Jay reached into her backpack and pulled out a small velvet box, holding it out in front of her in supplication. "This signifies my commitment to you. I will always love you, Kate, always, and I can't wait to start our life together." There was a slight question in the air.

Kate looked down at the box nestled in her hand and opened the lid. Inside was a gorgeous ring, fourteen carat gold, set with a three-quarter carat oval natural blue sapphire accented with 18 small circular cut diamonds on the outsides, and ten tapered baguette diamonds. The inscription on the inside of the gold said one word: "Eternity."

She had trouble talking around the lump in her throat. "Jay, this is magnificent; I've never seen anything so beautiful."

"I have...you. I want everyone," Jay's eyes glistened as she gazed lovingly at her partner, "Especially you...to know that you're mine for now and eternity."

"That I am, love, and I always will be; I give you my word." Leaning forward, she planted a gentle, tentative kiss on waiting lips. "I love you, Jay, with all my heart and soul. There is no one else in my life, and there never will be. You're all I want and all I'll ever need. I can't wait to be married to you."

Jay wiped a tear from her lover's eye. "I believe you," she said, tracing the chiseled cheekbones with loving fingers, and she meant it. "Just promise me you'll never leave me again."

"I promise, love."

"May I?" Jay asked, indicating the ring.

"Please."

The ring fit perfectly, which was a good thing, since Kate's jeweler had promised her it would the night that Jay had dragged Peter there before they went to dinner. She leaned forward, kissing Kate with deliberate slowness and smoldering passion. The contact felt so, so sweet. When they parted after breathless moments, she murmured, "Perhaps we should head down now and continue this somewhere more comfortable?"

"Mm," Kate hummed against her lips. "Lead on."

Both women knew there were deep wounds that needed mending and that only time and togetherness would take care of that, but for now they had each other, and that was a balm to both of their wounded souls.

*********

At the same time, in a hotel suite thousands of miles away in Albany, three men in sharp-looking business suits were meeting in secret.

"You're too hot, we've got to move you out for a little bit."

"Yeah, it's causing too much of a stir. We'll create a new position in another agency, get you away from the media, and put you there for six months until this all dies down. Then we'll bring you back."

"What are you going to do with my position, it's not as if you can leave it vacant."

"I have the perfect solution for that, and the big guy will love it: Katherine Kyle."

"Oooh, good thinking. He loves her, and she just got fired. She's probably desperate for a job, since she got canned for being a dyke, and she's expendable in six months. Nobody will care what happens to her after that."

"Perfect. She's got the credentials on paper to do the job, and it shouldn't be any problem getting her to screw up in six months and having to bring me back to fix the mess. I like it."

"Okay, I'll pitch it to him tonight and have him call her personally and offer her the job. He'll be none the wiser, and she'll no doubt accept. That should seal the deal."

"Right gentlemen, we'll keep in touch only when absolutely necessary, and I'll expect to be updated in three months. Talk to you then, I've got a plane to catch."

*********

Kate and Jay decided to stay the night in Sedona and fly home the next day. The first time they made love that night they both cried, overcome with emotion and the renewed realization of just how precious their love was, and how close they'd come to losing it. They continued to make love well into the morning hours, each feeling the enormous strength of their shared connection, and both feeling whole for the first time since all this began.

They slept like babies on the plane to Albany from Phoenix, and by the time they arrived at the house, the dark circles under their eyes had started to fade and their hearts had begun to heal, nourished by the comfort of each other's presence. They hadn't talked about the future any further just yet, both knowing that they needed some time to get reacquainted and settled before dealing with anything that weighty. For now it was enough to know that they had each other, and that they would face whatever challenges lay ahead together, as one.

Setting the mail aside, Kate scratched Fred lovingly; he had been waiting for them thanks to Peter, who had dropped him off a couple of hours earlier. The security expert had been ecstatic when she had called him to tell him that she and Jay were coming home, together, although she still wanted to talk to him about his role in all this.

Jay called from the other room, "Sweetheart, there's a message on the answering machine."

"Okay, I'll be right there." She pushed the play button.

"Hello, Kate, this is Governor Hyland calling. I'm sorry I missed you and I understand you've had a bit of a rough time of it lately, but I think I may have the answer: I'd like to offer you a position in my administration serving as Chief Spokesperson for the Department of Correctional Services. Next to my Press Secretary, no public relations person gets more exposure or is more important to me. It's the third largest prison system in the country, so I imagine we can find a way to challenge you. What do you say? I'd love to have you on board. Please give me a call as soon as possible and let me know. I hope to talk to you soon. 'Bye, Kate."

"Wow." That was all Jay could think to say. "Wow, that's fantastic! I knew I liked that man." She went to her partner, who was standing in the middle of the room with her mouth open, and squeezed her tightly.

"Um, huh. What do you know?" was all Kate could manage.

"I know I love you and you'll do a great job, and so does the Governor. Smart guy." Jay went to her lover, slipping her hands under her shirt and finding warm skin. She ran her palms over the taut abdomen, hooking her fingers into the waistband and popping open the button to Kate's jeans in one fluid motion.

Within moments they were naked and lost in each other once more, pausing in their lovemaking for just a few seconds, blue eyes meeting green, as they pondered the wonder of the beginning of a new life together. Then all thought became irrelevant, leaving only feeling and sensation in its wake.

Welcome home, indeed.

THE END

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