Meg
recounts the highlights of her checkered journey from lowlife to midlife.
March
2010
Joxer: Hey! That's my girl you’re talkin’ about.
Autolycus: That's anybody’s
girl I'm talkin’ about. Come on. She doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty for any
one man. Trust me – I know the
type. I love the type.
-- KEY TO THE KINGDOM
Yeah, I know I don’t
got one a those stellular reputations.
Slept around enough so’s it’s come back to me. I did some bad things in m’ life. Not Zena bad, a course.
Just like the good I did don’t compare to Gabs. Nobody could. Hear Joxer tell it, they’re the pedicure or pennycule or whatever
of everything. Can’t fault `im for
that. For hangin’ on to his thing for
Gabs `til it killed `im. I mean, my eye
did its share of wanderin’. Might’ve
stuck on Auto, if his hadn’t been so set on the WP. Typical, like all those others lustin’ after `em. Barflies, warlords, gods, kings,
Amazons. Tsk. Prob’ly flyin’ lizards with three heads. Funny, when you think about it. Only bodies they saw was each other. To the rest a the world, could’ve been
anybody’s girls. Heh. Same as me.
Mind ya, they had
their share of enemies too. I started
out as one. Didn’t know it at the
time. Or who Zena was, for that
matter. Just another gig far as I was
concerned. `Cept it called for more’n
my skills in bed. Well, that got me the
job, but this guy – Aggie – was more concerned with my looks. Said I matched somebody he was interested
in. Two somebodies. Promises me a sack a loot if I’ll make out
like I’m them. No, not that
kinda “make out.” I’m s’posed to
pretend I’m some famous warrior woman so I can get inside a castle, change into
a princess, and when her daddy dies – with a little help from Aggie – I take
his place as queen, turn the army over to Aggie, and he makes the kingdomers
slaves. Got it? Yeah, yeah, my standards wasn’t so high
then, okay?
Anyways, I’m in this
tavern, sportin’ the battle outfit from Aggie, before I set out for the castle. Whooeee, did I attract attention! Men fallin’ all over themselves to get their
hands on that leather. Could’ve made as
much off it as Aggie’s coins for trekkin’ into who knows what. Might’ve stolen it and earned a life of
leisure lyin’ around in bed, so to speak, `cept for Aggie huntin` me down. Good thing I hung around though, `cause
that’s how I met the love a my life. He
swaggers in with all this big talk about battles alongside “legendary”
acquaintances. Had a sword all
right. From the rest of his getup,
you’d think he had a fight with kitchen utensils. And lost.
He catches sight a me
and suddenly clams up. Eyes nearly bug out his head. Next thing I know, he’s huggin’ me like we’re best friends,
callin’ me by the warrior woman’s name.
I’m like, ooookay, guess I’m already on the clock for Aggie. And it wasn’t so bad! Kinda fun.
The new guy was dorky, but a cut above the rest. Sweet no matter how he tried to hide
it. I didn’t mind he’d be a
freebie. Took `im awhile to get m`drift. I patted his behind. He giggled all nervous like it was a
joke. I played in his hair. Stared at me like I’d lost my mind. Finally I whispered what I wanted in his
ear. It’s a good bet he wet his pants!
Oh, he was changed
man after we came back from our little “greetin’” session. Chest all poked out like he’d wrestled
Hercules to the ground. Buyin’ drinks
for all the guys slappin’ him on his back.
Seems I made `im their hero. I
know now it wasn’t just the leather, but who they thought was in it. Whatever, it gave me power. Guess I was feelin’ it when I told `im to
meet me at the castle when he could. He
bowed and said, “Jocksurrrr the Mighty, at your service.” J-o-x-e-r.
Not like it sounded. I know,
`cause he spelled it for me.
Things pretty much
went downhill after that. Hard enough
keepin’ straight when I was Zena and when I was Princess Diana. This little blonde busts in claimin’ to know
me – meaning Zena. Fussin’ about how
Joxer’s dirtying up my rep like I’m some “lowlife tramp” – meaning the real
me. How he’s not right in the head and
what did I do to make him think there’s somethin’ between us? How she and I needed to improve our
communicatin’. And on and on. Ooo, did I want to shut her up, and not
just so’s she wouldn’t ruin Aggie’s plot.
“Throw `er in the dungeon,” I said as “Zena.” And they did!
How was I to know the
chatterbox could be a so-called deadly killer’s best friend? Even worse, one of Joxer’s? Or could mess things up even when she wasn’t
around? Joxer shows up, I got `im on
this nice cushy bed, and her name pops up.
Gabrielle. I tell `im about the
dungeon. Is he glad she’s out the way? Noooo.
Gets all goody two shoes on me.
Runs out moanin’ he can’t come between two gal pals. Changes his mind later, but comes on to
Princess Di instead. The real one. He gets tossed in the slammer. Pffft.
So much for the leather and power of the woman inside.
To top it off,
Aggie’s boys didn’t ambush Zena like they was s’posed to and she shows
up. I’m thinkin’ no amount a money is
worth my sorry hide now. Aggie sees it
otherwise. He still hi-jacks the
princess and substitutes me. I figure
maybe I can get a little somethin’ for m’self playin’ royalty. I order Joxer released. Things’re gettin’ hot’n heavy in the
hallway, when the princeling’s nurse shows up.
I gotta baby sit?! That sure as
heck wasn’t in my contract. What next? A catfight?
You got it. Gabbermouth somehow
escapes, finds me, we have a hair-pullin’ chat, and she gets me to join her
team.
I play my last act
helpin’ save King Lias as “Diana” and her baby as “Zena.” I gotta admit, things turned out better than
I feared. Zena told me not to worry
about my past. Said good deeds would
make me good. She oughtta know about
that, huh? And she was right. My “reformed” bits on their side kept me
outta jail. Won me a cook job at the
castle. Joxer hung around and finally
got together with me. As Meg. And no interruptions.
Hard imaginin’ lowly
ol’ Meg as a warrior or a princess, huh?
Or, better yet, a virgin priestess!
Bwahahahahaha! I think I’m doin’
one a those good deeds – standin’ in for another twin of me and Zena. A priest named Balius tells me this Leah
person’s abandoned her flock at the altar and he needs me to carry on her
duties. I was a legit businesswoman at
the time, runnin’ a tavern and … gentleman’s club … down the road. I’m at the temple in the holy woman’s gown
when Zena swoops in. She finds out
Balius is actually a bad guy who wants to hurt Priestess Leah. Unfortunately, I kinda spilled the beans
about Zena comin’. To keep Balius off
guard, they send Leah to my place as me.
Soon ya got three look-alikes passin’ themselves off as each
other. Talk about makin’ your head
spin!
Eh, it worked out okay. The interestin’ part is where Joxer comes
in. Seems he saw Gabs at my place and
thinks she’s one a my girls.
Bwahahahaha! Then I get to hear
what he really thinks a me when I’m dressed like Leah. Says he’s oh so sorry for mistakin’ her for
somebody who’s “been around the block” as much as me. Too bad for him it also taught me a good right hook. Redeemed himself later, tryin’ to rescue
me. Botched it, a course, but they say
it’s the thought that counts.
Him and me did okay
for a while after that. One night he
comes to my place all weepy. “She’s
dead!” Yeah, Gabs had pulled another of
her dyin’ swan acts. Jumped in a pit
all on her own to save Zena. Sure, I
was sorry to hear that. Can’t blame a
girl for seein’ opportunity. I’m
thinkin’ maybe he and I can finally seal the deal without the Dynamic Duo
buttin’ in. Wrong. Zena’s got this notion she can save Gabs’
soul somehow by marryin’ Ares. I hear
Joxer’s gonna give the war god a bachelor party. I get an idea for earnin’ some extra dinars, plus a chance to give
Joxer his just desserts – me.
I’m inside a big fake
cake. Pop out in nothin’ but cherries
and cream, shakin’ and givin’ an eyeful of my few covered body parts. Singin’, “Give me an A, give me an R, give me
an S, give me an E.” Ares sure seemed
taken with my act. My idiot
boyfriend? I make a cheery toast to
dearly departed Blondie and suddenly he takes off, leavin’ me with nothin’ but
goose bumps and the bill for my costume.
I find out later he’s gonna follow that hardheaded, never give up fool
Warrior Princess. Claims she had a
“vision” of Gabs alive. Naturally they
find Gabs. Worse, Joxer comes back with
the hots for her sister! If I’d a been
Priestess Leah, I’d’ve said, “Ye gods on Mt Olympus, can I get a break?”
Well, I’m Meg. She don’t give up so easy neither. Maybe on Joxer, but if a plan formin’ in m’
brain worked, maybe not. See, I’d
always had this idea of a family one day.
A kid a my own to raise better’n I got.
Somebody ain’t inclined to run off after the first skirt or smell of
adventure. Problem was, didn’t seem my
female parts agreed. Plenty times in
the sack, not always careful. No hint
of bein’ preggers. Kinda bummed about
it `til I hear some guys talkin’ about this royal baby. No parents.
Guardians who don’t love `im.
Kept in a drafty ol’ room by himself.
He needs a mom. I need a
kid. Bingo.
I tell Joxer what I
heard. Not the part about the
baby. The part where they also
mentioned a treasure. Joxer says he
knows just the thief to help us get it.
With me actin’ like Zena, it’ll be a cinch. We meet up with this Autolycus character. Oh, he’s a cute one, if full a himself. I can tell right off he’d like to sample ol’
Meg. Thing is, Joxer’s part of my big
plan, and Auto won’t be happy with it when he finds out the truth. So I do a little of the ol’ bait’n
switch. Call him “Mr. Stinky” to put
him off. Bat my eyes and act dumb to
suck `im in. He may be the King of
Thieves, but I’m the Queen of Pullin’ One Over on Ya. I get `im to tell me his weakness when it comes to locks. Once I’ve snatched the kid, it takes Auto
awhile to get free when I have him thrown in the pokey.
Eventually he catches
up to me and Joxer. Meantime, I’d put
the second part a my plan in action – convincin’ Joxer he’d be a good daddy. Him, Punkin and me as a family. Even Auto saw it. But not on the two dinars the parents had between us. We decide
to go after the treasure anyway. Turns
out Punkin was the key we needed. And
that he was really a grown man cursed to live as a baby. After Punkin poofed into King Cleades, I
figured my dreams of a family poofed along with `im. Once again Zena told me to buck up. That what I’d done for Punkin-Cleades deserved rewardin’. For someone who’d done so much wrong, she
sure had a way of bein’ right when it came to me.
Took awhile, but
Joxer’n and me settled down. Had
kids. From my body. Ran a place to eat’n drink. Joxer made it into more a memorial to Zena
and Gabrielle. Paintings of `em. Statues.
Copies of their clothes and weapons.
Even of Zena’s horse. He’d kept
the real one until she kicked. The
horse I mean. Her baby was the spittin’
image. Joxer wouldn’t let nobody ride
`er. Couldn’t let go a the idea his
friends was still alive. Can’t blame
`im. He’d pried `em off Roman crosses
once. Dead as doorknobs. Nearly broke his heart. Next he knows, they’re sittin’ up, breathin’
like before. A miracle. Yeah, they was the pennycule or whatever of
that too.
I’ll never forget
that day they came back. Joxer had just
blown half our savings buyin’ Gab’s s’posed last scroll. It was about Zena’s miracle child. A girl the gods thought would bring their
downfall. Joxer had nearly died helpin’
his friends protect `er. Witnessed the
gods chase their wagon off a cliff.
Gabs’ scroll said the baby wasn’t really with `em, that they’d found a
way to fake their own deaths too.
Might’ve worked, `cept Ares whisked their bodies off somewhere. But, like usual, they had more lives’n a
cat.
It’s 25 years later
and there they are, good as new. They
say they got preserved in an ice cave Ares took `em to. Whatever, I’m starin’ at a vision of m’self
in my prime. Me, I got farts, wrinkles and Bardburger fat on my buns. Not the real bard though. What normal person gets muscles like that
even dead or sleepin’? Heck, I couldn’t
compete back when. What chance I got
with her lookin’ like my kid? No
surprise I see the ol’ fire in Joxer.
They figure Zena’s daughter’s out there somewhere, so a course he’s
gotta help `em find `er. No use me
fussin’ at `im. I do it anyway. Maybe `cause I want `im to remember we’re a
cranky ol’ couple. Maybe `cause my
heart says it’ll be my last chance.
I’ve had folks tell
me they’d be bitter about what happened after.
Joxer makin’ me a widow to save Gabs.
Zena’s daughter his killer. My
son Virgil there to see it and for the first time have hate in his heart. Me left to take care of his brothers and
sisters. The gods findin’ their way to
our doorstep. Makin’ our establishment
their battlefield with Zena. Blowin’ it
up along with our livelihood. Enough
to make anybody throw up their hands I guess.
I just didn’t have the heart for that.
The Gabs thing? I accepted that long ago. See, Joxer’n I felt akin to each other from
the get-go. Comfy enough to talk about
most anything. Both of us knowin’ what
it’s like bein` looked down on. Folks
expectin’ the worst of us or nothin’ at all – `les it was pretendin’ to be
somebody else, under spells or in fairy tales.
Now, I ain’t one for revisitin’ childhood stuff and such. Blamin’ how I turned out on where I came
from. Sure, had its uses from time to
time. Sob story about a poor little
orphan girl survivin’ on her own.
During my Princess Di escapade, it kept Gabs from whippin’ my butt. Pulled the heartstrings of King Lias so’s he
kept me around. Best job I ever had,
not including playin’ sidekick to the Dynamic Duo.
They prob’ly came
from decent homes. Had talents to build
on. Folks countin’ on `em to be
somebody. Do great things. Joxer’n me?
Ordinary clods tryin’ to go against our grain. Lucky enough to be in the shadows of extra ordinary mortals. See standards to live up to. Me `cause I looked like one of `em. Joxer `cause he wanted to be like one and
with the other. Made us sad sometimes,
fallin’ short, but not bitter or feelin’ sorry for ourselves. Joxer made his own luck. Didn’t care what others thought. Just kept pluggin’ away at bein’ a
warrior. Makin’ the Dynamic Duo a
threesome. Sniffin’ after Blondie.
Joxer’s hero worship
did get on m’last nerve sometimes. But
he’s the reason I got nerve enough to rise above what I’d been. Maybe he learned from me he was worth
lovin’ just as he was. Honestly? I also kinda liked him when he tried to be
like them. We got to see they had
faults too, how hard they worked overcomin’ `em. Made the best of what they had.
And you know what? That’s how
they treated us. Showin’ it’s important
to be “real” – true to the best of whatever you are. Bein’ with somebody who didn’t try to make you feel small.
That’s how it was
with Joxer’n me. Acceptin’ our goofy
qualities. Enjoyin’ we could break all
those nice rules and nobody gave a hoot.
Stumble around, pick our teeth, butt into stuff we had no business. Two broken-in shoes comfortable with each
other. No bindin’ or needin’ a shine
every day. Gabs was more fancy
footwear. Somethin’ you’d get if you
could afford it, but might pinch ya if you did. When he thought she’d died?
Those years they was frozen? He
lost that gleam in his eye. A lot of his
swagger. That urge to keep stretchin’
for what’s outta reach. Made `im easier
to live with, but not quite the man I took a hankerin’ to.
I knew they’d snatch
`im away again. Or, more likely, he’d
beg to go with `em. What could I
do? Tell `im not to follow his
heart? Too old and pitiful for one last
adventure? Yeah, I grieved like a
madwoman when I heard the news.
Couldn’t believe Zena’s daughter was the doer. But you know what? At
least it wasn’t some freak accident.
Not by the hand of some scumbag stranger who didn’t appreciate who Joxer
was or how much he’d be missed. He
went out the way he wanted – a hero.
Savin’ somebody he loved. People
he loved at his side. Zena and Gabs
mourned him enough for all of us. Will
make sure Zena’s daughter remembers him the rest of her life. Maybe as inspiration for doin’ good.
As for me, I’m happy
in this little house. I’m more a city
girl anyway. Without Joxer, the country
would’ve been way too quiet and borin’.
I salvaged a few a his things from the tavern. That silly hat and homemade “armor.” A singed picture of the Dynamic Duo to look at when I miss
`em. A fake Zena sword. Heh, I stand in front a the mirror sometimes
pretendin’ I’m her at King Lias’ castle, slashin’ a dramatic “Z” through the
air. Got a wooden shamrock too. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s called somethin’
else. Too hard to say, let alone
remember. Virgil keeps Joxer alive for
me too. My first kid and quite the bard
himself. Forever tryin’ to improve my
readin’ and writin’. Heh. I’ve learned more’n Virgil knows. I just like too much hearin’ `im tell his
stories to me.
Speakin’ a which,
remember when King Cleades was still a baby?
My “Punkin?” I told `im a story
one night about the stars. When I was a
little girl I thought those little lights came from houses in the sky. Happy families inside around cozy
fires. Little girls at every window
gazin’ at the other lights. Him and me
didn’t start out with that, but I promised things would be different for
us. We were gonna be one those
lights. Wasn’t quite what I had in
mind, but I helped it come true for him.
For m’self too, without needin’ to borrow a family from somebody else.
Know what’s
weird? As a kid, seemed anybody could
have one a those lights. Older I got,
seemed to be everybody but
me. Figured maybe you had to be
“somebody” – special like Zena or Gabrielle.
They taught me if I cared about me – even if I sold or gave my body too
freely – I could still be my own woman.
Then I got to be somebody else’s, at my choosing. A businesswoman, wife, mother, grandmother,
friend. Or folks I didn’t ask latchin’
on to me, `cause they saw Zena in me even when I wasn’t pretendin’. Old as I am, makes me feel I could be
anybody I want. Uh huh. Not so different from Zena and Gabs.
I remember Joxer
gettin’ all hot’n bothered way back about somethin’ he said Auto told `im. That I couldn’t love Joxer `cause I’d never
have loyalty toward any one man. Humph. Proved him wrong about that. I’ll still belong to Joxer when they throw
dirt on me. Same as with the others I
let shine in my window. Don’t get me
wrong – Joxer defendin’ my honor touched me.
I just didn’t get the big deal.
What Auto said? Wasn’t so
bad. Far as I see it now, there’s a
lotta good in bein’ anybody’s girl.
THE END
Return to Iseqween's Fiction
Return to The Bard's Corner
Return to the Australian Xena Information Page