The queen placed her hands on her hips and dropped her chin wondering if she would ever make it to Tarren’s side and see for herself that the child was still among the living.  She stared at the young Amazon who now blocked her path and grinned.  There had been no time for head counts of every tribal member so this was the first Ephiny had seen of this young stranger since they had joined forces to escape from the cave. “Hello Fern.  I am glad to see you made it back,” she said with a crooked smile remembering how the young girl had helped rally the Amazons of the eastern tribe into action back in the captivity of the caverns.

Fern bowed her head slightly but never allowed her eyes to break with that of the queen that now stood before her. “We would not have escaped if it had not been for you Queen Ephiny,” she said trying to mask the admiration she held.

Ephiny shook her head and placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder giving it a gentle squeeze. “No Fern…If it had not been for all of us.” She smiled offering her other hand in meaningful warrior salute.  “We were a good team.”

 

Fern bowed her head again and accepted the compliment as graciously as she knew how.  “Yes I agree.  Perhaps we would not have survived if it were not for….” She paused and tapped her finger on her chin trying to find the right words. “As Xena’s child would say…us acting like a family.”

 

Ephiny grinned as she thought of little Tarren and how the youngster’s innocent remarks had bestowed a simple but effective wisdom on the captives of the cave. “I agree.”  She nodded and started to move past Fern anxiously but was immediately stopped again by the girl’s words.

 

“I heard what you said to Mussona and I want you to know that I stand with you,” this girl from the east said proudly.

Ephiny turned and faced the younger Amazon surprised by this sudden allegiance from one who only a week ago was part of a party that had set out to assassinate her in hopes of ending all such talks. “I’m glad Fern…but what made you change your mind?” she asked a bit bewildered.

 

Fern smiled and moved up beside the queen.  “Family should stick together…no matter what.  Is that not right my queen?” she asked with a smirk knowing she was repeating the very words that young Tarren had said to Ephiny.

 

The queen smiled.  “Is there anyone who did not hear what that youngster said to me?” she asked with a grin and a sigh.  She looked at Fern staring for a moment at the proud chiseled feature of this young warrior. “I can only hope that you’re new queen agrees with you and offers her support,” she said in a gentle but firm tone knowing Penela’s death meant their would be a new leader with new ideas for the tribes of the east.

 

Fern smiled broadly throwing her shoulders back and raising her chin as high as she could hoping the movement would give her a bit more height. “Queen Ephiny you have just been given the support of the queen of the eastern tribes…I am now the queen,” she said with vigor, trying very hard to seem much older than she really was.

 

Ephiny’s eyes grew wide and she studied the girl’s face to see if there was truth in this mere child’s words. “You but….”

 

Fern let out a quick breath deciding that her pose was not making her look any more regal or any taller. Her shoulders slumped a bit and her voice became quiet and a bit subdued. “Ephiny I told you that Tyrell was my best friend but I did not tell you that she was also my sister in blood. I am the second daughter of Penella and now with the death of my mother I am the queen of the eastern tribes.”

Ephiny was silent for a moment.  The events of the day kept getting stranger and stranger.  After a brief pause she again offered her arm out in a warrior salute and bowed her head slightly. “Then I am sure you will lead with the same wisdom as your mother did.” She paused. “She was a great warrior and a great leader.”

The girl’s eyes watered a bit but she would not allow any tears to fall.  That would have been unforgivable in Penela’s eyes and Fern knew it. “Yes my mother was a great warrior,” she said her voice filled with obvious pride. “And had she lived past this day I know she would have agreed with what I am about to say.” She again stood tall since this would be her first official declaration as queen. “Ephiny you have the allegiance of the eastern tribes.  I pledge to stand beside your tribe and whatever Amazon tribes will stand with us as one nation.” She smiled and winked at the queen. “We will be a family again.”

 

There were no words that Ephiny could speak to express the weight of her emotions and now growing hopes for the future of her people, all her people. The dream was coming alive and the Amazons were now starting to weave the bonds that would make them of one fabric again.

 

 

 

In the cottage…

 

 

Xena’s head lifted slightly and she turned to the still silent bard. “They’re back.” 

 

Actually the highly trained and acute hearing of the Warrior Princess had heard the sound of the breaking twigs and distant hoof prints some time ago but did not feel it was worth mentioning.

 

Gabrielle kept her eyes trained on the small and still unconscious child in the bed letting her own fingers run along the youngster’s forehead. With a shrug she leaned in closer to the pallet and kissed the little girl’s cheek.  “I’m glad they’re…ok,” was all she managed to say.

 

 The bard was torn between the hope that she had lost no more friends after her departure from the battle and the desire to not look at the faces of those very people she felt had caused her life to be torn to shreds. 

 

Xena took a deep breath and ran her thumb over the small hand that was still encased in her own. “Yeah I hope that Eph made it through,” she replied feeling a twinge of guilt but not regret for not having chosen to care for her child rather than rejoin the battle.

 

Gabrielle’s words became light and distant. It was as if all the emotion had been drained from the soul of the young bard leaving behind only a shell of vacant thoughts and hopes with nothing strong enough to support the weight.  “Yeah me too,” she said making no attempt to rise and see just who amongst her friends still walked amongst the living.

 

Knowing it was only a matter of time before the stillness of the village was completely vanquished by the sounds of life returning to empty huts and vacant halls, the warrior smiled and turned to her friend eager to share a private thought. “Gabrielle do you remember that Solstice game we played for Tarren back on the trail?” she asked in a near whisper never releasing for a moment her child’s hand.

The bard grinned a bit at what seemed like such a distant time and place when in fact it the event was only a few weeks earlier. “Yeah I remember.”

Xena let her eyes drop to the face of her child again and moved the fingers of her free hand slowly up and down the youngster’s cheek. “She really liked that a lot and so did I.  Thank you,” she said quietly with a hard swallow.

 

Gabrielle closed her eyes knowing that this was Xena’s way of holding on to her faith.  The warrior was reliving in her mind each and every moment of Tarren’s time with her by playing the past months over again like a favorite movie. “You’re welcome,” the younger woman replied simply with a slight jerk on each word. She took a deep breath and forced a weak smile anxious to move away from the subject of her own contributions. “I really did nothing…I can’t wait until we can show her a real Solstice instead though,” she said with a fast gulp trying to keep her voice steady.

Xena ignored the words almost angered by the light way she felt her friend had taken the importance of the part she played in Tarren’s life. “No I mean it Gabrielle.  I really want to thank you for everything you’ve done for her and for me.  She loves you and needs you and so do…”

Gabrielle could sense it.  She was sure she could feel it.  The bard felt as if Xena were toying with her, waiting for the right moment to drown her in a pool of blame just like she had when Solon died. “Xena stop it.  I’ve been no help at all lately. I failed you. I failed Tarren and….” She turned in her chair facing the door. “I failed myself,” she said closing her eyes and gripping one hand tightly in the other as if trying to hold on to the last shred of her being.

Xena’s brow raised and her already dark features seem to cast a new shadow. “Gabrielle what are you talking about?  You haven’t failed anyone.” She glanced at the little girl and let her voice become soft and tender. “You share your life with Tarren and that’s the greatest gift you could give her. You are…”

The bard jumped from her seat stealing her touch from the child’s skin. She moved back gripping the sides of her temples trying to drown out the words she was sure would come. If Xena would not blame her then she would surely blame herself. “Enough! Please no more. Please don’t tell me how kind I am or how generous.  I came here because I wanted to change the Amazons.  I had to try and make them see the way of peace and as a result of that and everything else I did Tarren may….” She paused and covered her mouth with both hands to keep the words from escaping. “It’s my fault”

 

“No it’s not!  “What’s wrong with you?” the warrior yelled turning in her seat but never even for a moment releasing her touch from the child.

The now anxious bard paced around the room sliding her hand up and down her arm as if trying to warm a sudden chill. “Xena don’t you understand?  This is my fault.  Tarren is lying there because of me,” she said closing her eyes long enough to try and block out the sight of her friend’s expression.

 

The warrior lowered her chin, let out a long breath and shook her head as if trying to make sense of her friend’s sudden outburst. “That’s ridiculous.  Tarren is lying here because she didn’t do as she was told,” the mother replied adamantly, feeling still that it was her own responsibility to shoulder the blame for her child’s actions.

Gabrielle ran her hand over her forehead wiping the blond strands away in a mass of anxiety.  She took a deep breath and looked at the warrior making an effort to control all the emotion that was now welling up inside. She spoke in quick but controlled whispers. “Xena she’s a little girl…a small child.  They don’t always do what they’re told.  It’s our job as adults to watch them and care for them and I left her alone when I shouldn’t have.” The tears were starting to well and the voice starting to crack.   “It was…It was…only for a few minutes so…just so… I could get her the medicine but it was a mistake…a mistake you wouldn’t have made,” she said staring oddly at the warrior, her voice suddenly filled with an unexplained anger directed at her best friend.

 

Green eyes that were usually soft and filled with compassion were now filled with a rage that was foreign to the gentle pools of emerald that usually flowed in this place. “You never do anything wrong. Do you? Everything you say or do or are fills Tarren’s world and yours too. You’re her mother and her hero.” She gave a sick little laugh. “She doesn’t listen to me…I’m not….” There was a pause and the bards face went blank as she let her hands fall to her side as if surrendering without a fight. “Why should she?  I’m no great Warrior Princess.  I’m not even a real Amazon.  I’m just the storyteller Gabrielle.” She shook her head and smiled weakly her voice so soft it was barely audible. “I’m not even that anymore am I Xena?  Bard’s don’t kill…It’s all…my…fault…everything….” She slid against the wall and pressed her hands tightly behind her. The voice became soft but distant and apologetic. “I’m sorry Xena.  I am so sorry I didn’t take better care of her.  I really wanted to but….”

Xena swallowed hard and looked from her child to the woman who had been her best friend for many summers. “Gabrielle stop it!  This is not your fault,” she barked.

“Yes it is,” was the fast reply of a tiny little voice of a figure still pressed firmly against the wall.

Xena kept Tarren’s hand in her own but started to rise wanting to reach out to her friend. “No it’s not.  If it’s anyone’s fault then it’s mine for leaving her in the first place,” she said tenderly.

Seeing Xena was making an effort to be comforting only infuriated the already confused bard. “What you really mean is leaving your daughter with me because had she been with someone who watched her well…who was more responsible…who Tarren respected…then she wouldn’t have run off.”

 

The words thought can be changed but once spoken can never be retrieved.


The warrior’s eyes flared at the obvious accusation that she did not trust her friend. “No that’s not what I meant!  Why are you twisting my words around?” she asked, trying not to let the growing venom in her own voice become too apparent. “What I mean is that I should have stayed because I’m her mother and she’s my responsibility and….”

 

Gabrielle threw her hands up in the air and again paced around the hut nervously, her words a string of thoughts tied together by only one word, guilt. “Oh and here I thought we were sharing the responsibility.  I thought I was helping you raise Tarren,” she ranted.

 

The warrior shook her head in disbelief. All of this had started with a simple compliment she had tried to share. “Gabrielle you are helping and we are….”

 

 

The bard threw her hands up in the air again knowing that if she allowed Xena to finish her sentence that her words might make sense, might make her feel better and Gabrielle did not want to feel better.  She wanted to feel the weight of her actions and the pain of all she had done. It was all she knew and all she had left.

 

The green eyes paused in their frantic flurry of movement long enough to lock with a familiar blue gaze staring back at her. Her words became low and the soft voice began to crack again under the strain of its own confusion. “Xena you never would have had to leave here if I hadn’t taken off on my own trying to spread my useless words of peace…Ephiny wouldn’t have been taken and you wouldn’t have led the rescue mission and had to leave Tarren behind,” she said, tears running down the sides of her face.

 

Xena realized that there was little she could say to ease her friend’s obvious pain and feeling of guilt.  She herself knew all too well that was a burden one carried alone. Her eyes flickered as she thought of the words she could say to lift the weight from her friend’s shoulders and for the first time in her life wished she had the well spoken bard’s gift for saying the right thing. “Gabrielle we can sit here and “what if” all the way back to the path I chose to travel from Amphipolis.” She let out a short breath “What if I had not gone there? What if I had taken a different path out and we never met up with Ephiny? What if I had never allowed Tarren to leave my sight?” She thought of her last statement and cringed under her own weight of responsibility.  Her eyes fell back on her young daughter as she continued her words to the bard. “Yeah we can do that and it’s not going to change anything,” she whispered caressing the child’s face again with the side of her thumb.

Gabrielle covered her eyes with her hands as if trying to find some kind of strength in the very fingers that had brought words to life in scrolls, but when she removed them all that was left was the tear stained cheeks of a once gentle spirit lost in a mask of confusion. “Xena I….” She ran her hands together in a sliding fashion and then rung them nervously against her chest as she spoke in a withered tone. ”I…I know nothing can change the fact that Tarren may not get well and it won’t wash the blood from my hands.” She placed her clean hands in front of the warrior   “You see the blood Xena?” she asked with a slight shiver.

 

 

The warrior looked at the gentle hands now placed before her. They were trembling but there was no blood. She reached up and held the younger woman’s hands in her own squeezing them gently. “No Gabrielle I don’t see any blood.” She paused and let her voice become gentle and steady as she studied her wavering friend. “Do you?”

 

Gabrielle looked at her hands and shrugged. “I see lots of things.  I see blood…I see death.  It will never go away.  I can wash and wash but it will always be there.  I will always see it,” she cried, yanking her hands free and taking a few steps back until her back was again pressed safely against the wall.

Xena took a long and hard look at the bard.  This had been a subject they had not even broached. Even the warrior herself was finding it hard to accept that her gentle young friend had taken a life in such fashion. “Gabrielle you did what…you thought you had to…I know you are having a rough time and….”

The words were fast and filled with venom never spoken in the younger woman’s words. “Xena I killed someone…murdered! Stop making it sound like I burned breakfast or lost a fishing line.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I killed a man and what’s worse I stabbed him in the back.” She shook her head at the horrid memory that was now playing over and over again in her mind.

 

 

The warrior’s lips pursed together and her brows lowered. “Gabrielle you did what you had to do. In a battle sometimes we just don’t have a choice.” She made a motion as if starting to rise from her place on the pallet but the bard’s fast hand waving in the air halted the warrior’s movement.

 

The younger woman laughed a sick little chuckle that was mixed with both anger and tears.  “We don’t have a choice?  I had a choice.  I didn’t have to be there.  I didn’t have to be here.” She motioned to the hut and Amazon village around her. “No Xena this is not like the temple.” She cringed at the memory of how she had spilled the blood of another soul in an effort to save the life of a man who was destined to be a sacrifice to Dahok. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “No Xena not this time and not now…Please gods not now.  I just can’t listen to your justification for killing because you do it so well and with such ease….” She took a deep breath.  “I need some air I’ll be back. You take care of Tarren.  She needs you and I need to be alone,” she cried bolting out the door leaving the warrior both stunned.

 

Xena held her daughter’s hand in her own squeezing it gently as she watched her friend race from the hut before she could find the words to say.  She glanced down at the child. “Well Monster it looks like it’s just you an me for a bit.” She glanced back to the door wishing it would swing open and the bard would reappear but she did not. “Gabrielle needs to find her own way back.” She kissed the child on the forehead and wrapped her arm around the small form pulling her in close to her chest. “Just like you do baby. Find your way back to me Tarren.  I need you.  Please find your way back to me…to us,” she whispered,” rocking the child lovingly in her arms.

 

 

 

 

 

Just outside the hut…

 

 

The smell of the fresh air filled Gabrielle’s nostrils but the normally calming clean and brisk winds that ran across her skin felt too distant to sooth her.  She crossed her arms rubbing herself briskly trying to chase a way a phantom chill.  It was as if the bard’s skin was no longer hers but only the exterior part of the mask she now wore. 

 

Gabrielle felt the world start to spin and steadied herself against the cottage door.  A tear escaped as she realized that the very body she inhabited and was trying to calm now seemed to belong to some stranger in a far away place, one she could no longer touch or speak to…one she no longer knew but only longed to feel again…longed to be again.

 

 

The bard took heavy gulps of air as she let her fingers slip from the door hearing the wood of the frame bounce a bit as it made contact with the latch that secured it.  Her breathing slowed and she bent grabbing onto her knees as she tried to get a focus on her thoughts. “You just need to relax and be by yourself and everything will be ok,” she said quietly trying to reassure herself.

 

However as her breathing slowed and her shaking hands steadied a bit the young woman’s ears perked and the pupils exploded. The green eyes blinked frantically as they swallowed the sight of the returning Amazons now surrounding her space, her very private space.

 

There were horses with dismounting warriors everywhere she looked.  Some were so caught up in their conversation and whispers about the battle that they did not notice their bardly queen in the shadow of the pale sun. A few pointed and waved and Gabrielle just swallowed and let her eyes scan the area for the fastest escape route.  With a few quick steps and her eyes low she began to move.  The crowd was closing in and it was time for a fast retreat. The bard took a deep breath and picked up her pace ready to sprint through the crowd but she moved so fast that she ran right into the familiar force of another queen also moving with great determination but in a different direction.

 

 

Ephiny smiled broadly and grabbed her friend’s shoulders drawing the young woman into a fast and reluctant embrace.  The bard froze wincing at the touch as if the affection was now somehow causing her pain. “Gabrielle!”  The queen jumped back just as the two bodies collided mid-step. “I am so glad to see you.  How’s Tarren?” she asked eager to enter the cottage just paces away and see the sick child for herself.

 

 

The bard tried diligently to avert her eyes and mask the tears that surely stained her cheeks. “Ephiny...I…I….” She took a deep breath and forced a smile and reached out giving her friend a quick hug. “I’m…I’m very glad you are all right,” she said in a heartfelt but quick stammer of words.

 

The queen raised a brow and stared at her friend oddly.  “Are you Ok?”  The Amazon’s eyes grew wide. “Tarren is not…”

The bard placed a single finger in the air as if not wanting to even hear the thought. “No Tarren is in the cottage.” She lowered her eyes. “Tarren’s not doing too well…yet…but she’s still with us.” She sniffled a bit and gave a weak smile. “Tarren’s a tough little kid…just like her Mother.  I think she’d rather run through Hades bare than leave Xena and…” She took a hard swallow of air. “But…but…”

 

 Gabrielle was slowly losing her grip on her thoughts and words again.

 

Ephiny placed a gentle hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Gabrielle I’m sure she will be fine.  You said it yourself she’s a tough little kid.”  She studied the broken expression on the younger woman knowing there was more than just the child’s illness weighing on the bard’s mind.  Gabrielle had a sickness of the soul. “But you?  What about you?” she asked noting an odd mixture of emotions and a nervousness about the bard that was not usually present in the eyes of this confident young woman.

Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders and looked down at tips of her boots wondering if they always looked so warn at the very edge or if she had merely never noticed before. “Me?  Oh Eph I’m just tired and worried about Tarren and Xena.”  The tears started to fall again.  “You know Tarren is that big bad warrior’s world.  She ….We both….” The words would not form in her mind and not be spoken leaving all the emotions of the once vibrant bard now pale.

The friendly hand that was still positioned on her left shoulder tightened. “I know you love them both,” the queen said with a nod and a gentle smile.

Gabrielle glanced up wondering just when her Amazon friend had gone from the stiff regal warrior queen to this wise and perceptive oracle.  She nodded and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.  “I’m sorry Eph.  I really should be holding it together better.”

The queen tilted her head to one side and patted her friend’s shoulder gently. “Hey the way I hear it you held it together just fine.” Ephiny straightened up a bit as if wanting to say these words with a warrior’s pride. “You led these people,” she motioned her hand around the now bustling village. “When they needed a leader you stepped forward and you earned your place as a Queen of this nation,” she stated proudly bowing her head slightly.

 

The bard shook her head frantically and backed away from the comforting hand of her friend. “Please don’t thank me Ephiny.” She shook her head nervously “And don’t ever call me that again…I’m not a queen…I’m not an Amazon…I’m just Gabrielle…Just Gabrielle…That’s all I want to be,” she yelled, still placing distance between she and the queen.

Ephiny’s eyes narrowed at her friend’s odd reaction to a compliment. She felt a wave of confusion break against her mind.  There was time not so long ago when this talkative bard would have traded her tongue for a chance at adventure, to be called a warrior like Xena and here she was turning away any thought of tribute to such actions. The queen took a step in the direction of the now stalled figure. “But Gabrielle you were a good leader.  You led our people into battle and were as you always should have been…their queen.”

By now the two infamous figures encounter had drawn a crowd of murmuring Amazons around them forcing Gabrielle to back even further away from the faces she once knew.

 

The bard could feel her insides twisting and churning as the voice penetrating her ears came through like loud bells warning her of an attack she was not armed for. 

 

As if trying to shield her hearing and save her mind she shook her head and covered her ears trying to steady her words enough to respond to the tirade of meaningless words being throw in her direction.  “No! No! No! I am not a queen!  I don’t want to be your princess or even an Amazon.  I’m a bard.” Tears fell from her eyes as she stared at her friend. “Damn it Ephiny I’m a bard and I only acted the part of a leader.” The words were now free and there was no holding back what she felt in her heart. “There’s a difference between acting and being and I was only acting because I had no choice.  Don’t you understand? I’m sorry I came here.” The face was now swollen with tears and again the young woman found her chest tightening forcing her breathes to shorten.  “I‘m just sorry I ever came here,” she cried, looking at the mixture of familiar and strange faces studying her like an animal on display at a fair.

 

 

Before the queen could respond the younger woman sprinted through the compound heading directly for the temple of Artemis, hoping to find solitude in a place of peace and worship.

 

Sheloppa stepped from the crowd and stood beside Ephiny as she watched Gabrielle break through the crowd without so much as an acknowledgement for a simple hello or a polite bow of respect.

 

Shelopa’s eyes went wide at the sight and she turned to Ephiny. “Do you wish me to follow her and she that she is safe my queen?” she asked with noted concern.

 

Ephiny took a deep breath as she stared at the now distant figure entering the temple of their goddess.  After a brief moment she shook her head and turned to her friend. “No Sheloppa.  Where Gabrielle needs to go we…nobody can follow.  She must make this journey alone.”

 

 

 

In the cottage…

 

 

 

The smell of the wood burning in the fireplace mixed with the aroma of a heavy herbal poultice hung in the air but the warrior mother was immune to all odors and sounds.  Only her eyes were needed to see her child and only her hands were needed to touch the soft warm skin of the little girl who shared her heart.

 

 

One long finger skillfully traced the youngster’s cherub like face as the mother hummed a gentle lullaby. “Momma’s here baby,” she whispered as the tips of her fingers caressed the youngster’s skin with her fingers while she sill held the small hand in her own securely in the other.

 

The soft creaking of the hinge made Xena’s eyes flicker but she did not move nor pause in her careful touch of her child “Hi Eph.  I’m glad to see you made it back in one piece,” she said in a near whisper, never turning to face her friend but merely acknowledging the queen’s presence.

 

Ephiny grinned. “I should have known you’d smell me from a mile away especially knowing how bad I must wreak after being in that pit for nearly two days,” she said with a forced smile glancing at the small child in the bed.

 

The warrior nodded and kept her eyes focused on Tarren but did not respond.

 

The queen stepped quietly into the cottage and sat in the chair beside the pallet glancing down at the little girl still lying motionless.  “How is she?” she asked with genuine concern for the youngster who now had a place in her own heart.

 

Xena shrugged as she wiped a few stray hairs from the youngster’s brow. “She’s alive and that’s something.” She turned her head slightly to face her regal friend. “Right?” she asked hoping for a bit of reassurance.

 

The Amazon nodded but decided against offering the comfort of a touch.  She knew Xena was somehow connected to little Tarren and that any touch would be an intrusion.  “Yeah that’s…everything Xena,” she replied reassuringly.

 

The warrior took a deep breath and leaned down to kiss the little girl on the cheek.  “The fever’s gone but she’s just too tired to come back right now.  She needs lots of rest,” she said with a sad sigh, hoping in her heart that her child would find her way back to the land of the living.

 

Ephiny closed her eyes and took a moment to find her strength. She looked at the pale complexion of the small form barely giving a wisp of air.  “Yeah Xena she …just needs rest,” she said with a hard swallow, wondering if the anxious warrior really knew house close to death the little girl appeared.  “Do you want me to send in a healer?” she asked wanting to offer some kind of assistance.

 

“No Eph she’s my baby and I can take care of her,” the warrior mother replied with a weak smile.

The queen shook her head and chastised herself for the words.  Xena was just as reputed for being a great healer as she was great a warrior.  “Of course you can.  I’m sorry I didn’t think…”

The warrior shook her head.  “It’s Ok Eph…I really appreciate your concern.”  There was a deep breath taken and held for a long moment. “If you really want to do something for me you’ll talk to Gabrielle.  She’s having a tough time dealing with this and …” She rubbed the side of her temple with the tip of one finger trying to force the words out of her mind. “Gabrielle killed one of the Argonians because…” She closed her eyes. “ Because she thought he had the drop on me while I was carrying Tarren.”

 

“Did he?” the queen asked with a look of disbelief at the words she was hearing.

 

Gabrielle had killed in cold blood.  The very gentle bard who had lectured on the useless deaths of the battlefields had taken a life.  It seemed so unreal.  It was as if an ivory statue had fallen from its stone white pillar shattering everyone’s faith.

Xena could feel her hand rubbing the round weapon at her side and remembered the touch of cool metal against her finger, as she turned ready to take the life of the man who was raising his blade in the air a few feet behind. “Yeah I heard him but Gabrielle didn’t know that and she’s blaming herself for everything.” She shook her head and leaned in closer to her daughter’s face. “She even blames herself for Tarren being taken and that’s….” She swallowed hard. “Not her fault.”

 

The queen could feel the air drain from her lungs and her shoulder’s slump as she listened to the heartfelt words of the Warrior Princess.  Ephiny had left one battlefield only to enter another.  Except on this ground each of the parties was a very good friend and each was fighting demons inside of themselves that she could not battle with them  “Well that explains a lot,” she said in a near whisper. 

 

Xena tucked the blankets up closer to the little girl as she continued to hum. “What are you talking about?” she asked keeping her eyes trained on each rise and fall of the child’s chest.

 

Ephiny folded her arms in her lap and dropped her head down a bit as she spoke. “I ran into Gabrielle outside…literally…and she wasn’t looking too good,” she explained.

 

 

Xena closed her eyes and spoke with a broken voice as she caressed the little girl’s sweaty brow. “I know…she ran out of here when I tried to talk to her about today.” A quick breath was let out. “I guess I said the wrong thing.”

 

The queen shook her head and leaned back in the chair she had positioned herself in. “I didn’t do much better.  I told her how proud I was of her for leading the army and she went wild and ran off.”

 

Xena’s eyes went wide and her head snapped in the queen’s direction.  “Gabrielle led the army? I thought she just followed,” she said her words filled with disbelief.

Ephiny took a long hard breath and then exhaled it as if looking for strength to say the words that she herself still found hard to believe. It had become obvious by the warrior’s reaction that she had no idea just what part the bard had played in the battle. “No Xena…she led the army and the way I heard it she even set up the strategy for the attack too.”

 

Xena closed her eyes. “Damn! I told her to follow her heart and lead her people but I didn’t mean for her to lead them into battle.  That is not her heart’s way….” She shook her head. “It’s mine.  I thought she would just keep the tribe together with her words of faith and peace until the other tribes arrived,” she said staring blankly into the air. “I should have done something more to help her but I had to find my daughter.”

 

The warrior’s heart was now torn in two feeling the pain for each of the two people that made her world complete.

 

Ephiny tilted her head to one side. “She did well Xena.  I don’t understand the problem,” the Amazon said with a slight grumble.

The warrior took a deep breath and turned her head just enough to catch the sour Amazon’s expression. “Eph, Gabrielle is not a warrior.  Her heart is gentle and soft and she went against everything she believes in by leading people into a bloody battle.” Her head dropped a bit. “Now she’s lost herself Eph. She’s not sure who she is anymore,” she said quietly, still feeling a sting from the bard’s words as she played them over in her mind.

 

Ephiny rubbed her hands together nervously. As an Amazon she had been raised to be a warrior knowing death and even killing was part of life.  However in her most recent days she had come to understand that the sword was not always the answer. “I’m sorry Xena.  I know she has a right to feel as she does.  It was wrong of me to ever push her and you into coming here,” she said with a sigh never really taking into account the effect that acting as a true warrior might have on one so gentle as Gabrielle. “So what do we do?” she asked with noted concern for all three of her friends.

 

 

 

Xena closed both hands around little Tarren’s finger and bowed her head to touch them.  “Right now Gabrielle needs to figure this out for herself and I…need to be here with Tarren.” She turned her head a bit to look at the Amazon. “When she’s ready for us to help her…Gabrielle will let us know.”

Ephiny nodded in understanding and again glanced at the child lying snuggly in her mother’s arms. With a fast breath she reached into her belt pulling out the child’s chucks and placing them on the bed beside the youngster’s head.  It was time for a change of subject and for keeping promises. “Xena I want you to know that if it wasn’t for Tarren’s weapons and her… heart I don’t know if we….” Her voice trailed off and she patted the metal wands. “I uh polished them up as best I could.  I promised her I would before I gave them back to you.”

The warrior’s fingers crawled cautiously along the pallet until they ran over the cool metal of the item she knew was her young daughter’s most prized possession.  “Thanks Eph.” She forced a smile and faced the queen as she caressed the weapon. “She really hates cleaning these.  I always tell her she has to do it but truth is I wind up doing it myself.  I don’t know why I just don’t polish them for her in the first place.  I guess maybe I just like the way she tries to…tries…to….” An image of the mischievous smile of the youngster appeared in the mother’s thoughts and she gripped the weapon tightly fighting back the tears that wanted so much to be set free.  “Thanks Eph I’ll make sure she gets them just as soon as she wakes up.”  Xena again focused all her attention back on her youngster.

 

Ephiny placed a gentle hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Xena I also promised that I would give you a message for her,” the queen said with a bit of hesitation.

The mother’s eyes closed and a few tears escaped. “Tarren can give me the message herself when she wakes up,” she replied stiffly, pulling away from the touch and shadowing her body protectively over her child.

The queen bit her lip and remembered the look on the youngster’s face when she had asked the words to be given to her mother. “I know but…She wanted you to hear it right away and I did promise.” She gave a crooked smile. “I don’t want that kid of yours mad at me again,” she said softly, hoping a bit of levity would make the delivering of the message easier.

Xena turned her head away so that the water spilling from her eyes and down her cheeks could not be seen. “OK.  What is it?” she asked, clearing her throat in an effort to steady her voice.

Ephiny took a small breath and stared at the child now wrapped in her mother’s arms. “Tarren just wanted to be sure that you knew that she loves you and that she thinks you’re the best mother in the whole world.” A hard gulp is taken. “She said that she didn’t want you to ever be sad,” she said as steadily as she could without her own control being lost but making sure to repeat the child’s words with precision.  “She’s a really special little kid Xena.”

”I know she is.” There was a sniffle and the warrior clasped the little girl’s hand in her own and kissed it. “Oh you’re just trying to get on my good side because you know you are in big trouble.  Right Monster? Well it’s not gonna work.” Again she sniffled and choked back her words as she held the small hand in her own. “You’re in big trouble…very big trouble and….” The cracking words were cut off and Xena turned to Ephiny making no effort to mask her pain.  “That’s all she’s doing ya know.  She knows she’s in for it for following me so she’s not waking up.” The mother’s husky voice broke in two. “Why won’t she wake up Eph?  Why won’t she come back?” she asked in a pleading tone.

 

The queen slid to her knees and placed her arms around her warrior friend hoping it was the appropriate gesture to make.  “Gods Xena don’t you dare lose hope.  That kid never lost faith that you’d come for her.  Don’t you lose faith that she’ll come back to you.  I just know she will,” she said with a touch of anger sure it was the reaction her friend needed to regain control.

The warrior mother took a deep breath and nodded. “I know. I know she will Eph but thanks.” She smiled as she spoke to the Amazon beside her knowing that as a mother she knew the pain that Xena felt. “ It was nice to hear right now.” She swallowed hard and for the first time stared directly at her friend allowing their eyes to meet and the battle scars to be exchanged with a glance.  Two mothers…two warriors and each knowing the others pain. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come back to help.”

Ephiny grinned a bit as she ran her own hand down the little girl’s arm.  “Hey you did enough for us.  Cutting away those branches and clearing the path…You gave us the edge we needed.”  She reached behind her back and removed a sword from her own scabbard. “Solari found this and we thought you might like it back.” She placed the warriors famed battle blade on the table beside the bed. 

 

Xena closed her eyes and looked away from the instrument that had led her away from her youngster. “Thanks but…”

 

Ephiny’s voice became taught and serious. “Xena you can no more change who or what you are than I can so don’t say things now that you will only take back later.” She gave the warrior a friendly slap on the back. “Tarren would say you were fibbing and if I know that kid of yours she’s listening to everything we say and taking notes”

 

The mother smiled and let out a long breath as she pulled the youngster closer wanting the child to feel and share each of the heartbeats in her own chest. “Yeah I’ll bet she is.”

 

The queen turned to leave wanting to give her friend some privacy with her child.  “I’ll check back later,” she said ready to depart.

A husky but fragile voice stopped her. “Queen Ephiny?”

The Amazon turned surprised by the sudden use of title that the warrior princess never used. “Yeah.”

The warrior turned her head slowly and swallowed a bit as she spoke. “Thanks.”

Ephiny stared at the dark chiseled features staring back at her. “For what?” she asked feeling that if there was a debt owed it was she herself who was in debt.

Xena grinned at the modesty she knew her friend was showing. “I know you took care of Tarren…I could feel her thoughts inside of me. “ She motioned to her head and heart  “And …well thank you for taking care of her…that’s all.”

The queen paused long enough to move back to the pallet and run her fingers loosely through child’s hair. “We took care of each other.” She thought of her own son. “And I learned a lot…but let’s not tell her that.  I’ll never hear the end of it,” she said with a smirk.

 

Xena was about to reply when she heard a slight but audible gurgle from the figure lying in her arms. The great warrior’s breathing increased ass he moved in closer to the child. “Tarren?  Baby I’m right here,” she said in a fast breath filled with emotion.

 

“Stuffy…Stuffy?” was all the little whisper would say.

 

Ephiny dropped beside the bed. “What is she saying?” she asked staring with equal intent at the youngster’s quivering lips.

 

Xena dabbed the child’s forehead with a cloth.  “Stuffy?  Maybe it’s too stuffy in here because of the fire.”  Xena leaned in as close as she could. “I’m sorry baby but I have to keep you warm.”

 

As if locked still in another world but reaching out one hand to touch the heart of those she loved most the child repeated her whisper before falling back into a trance of solitude. “Stuffy Momma…Where is my Stuffy?”

 

Xena kissed the little girl on the cheek and held her tightly against her chest. “Eph would you find Gabrielle.  Tell her that my little warrior is trying to fight her way back here and …she….” The mother paused and thought of her friend’s previous reaction to her words. “Just tell her we both need her right now.”

 

Ephiny smiled and patted the little girl’s leg before sprinting out the door in search of the bard. “You bet I will.” This was the first sign of real hope that Tarren might ever return.

 

Xena rocked the youngster in her arms as she nestled the child’s face against her chest. “That’s right baby you fight.  You want to be a Warrior Princess like me then you fight your way back to me.  Do you understand?” she said in a soft but parental tone hoping her little girl could here both the words and the love intertwined in each breath.

 

Again there was silence and the mother was left to rock the youngster in her arms praying that Tarren could win the battle she knew the child was now fighting.

 

Xena took a deep breath and as her eyes wandered across the pallet she caught site of the large leather saddlebags that had been thrown on the mattress in a frantic flurry of movements when the warrior had first returned to the cottage with Tarren in her arms.

 

The warrior mother’s eyes locked on the now familiar bound parchments that contained the early life of both her young daughter and the very essence of the old mystic who had once guided Xena in her darkest times.  With a hard swallow she stretched out her hand never allowing her body to so much as shake the now twitching child in her embrace.  “Tarren baby I have Nala’s diary here.  You know how you always wanted to know what was in it.” She swallowed a massive lump and gave the youngster a soft squeeze. “I’ll tell you what’s in it.  You’re in baby.  It’s all about you.” Xena held the diary tightly in one arm as she rocked the little girl gently and whispered in her ear. “Come back to me.  I know you’re fighting real hard baby but Momma needs you really bad right now so please come back to me.”

 

The youngster’s body flinched a bit but her eyes did not open. From that distant place where the little one was trying to escape she spoke again. “Momma!  I want Momma!  Where’s my Stuffy?”

 

Xena lifted the child from the pallet deciding her own touch was worth more that a pile of blankets and a soft pallet.  She kissed the child’s forehead as she opened the diary and began reading from the beginning.

 

“Today my Princess gave the world a gift…a very special little girl. This child shall change the path of the our chosen one forever.”

 

Xena let out a quick breath wondering why she was so often referred to as “chosen one” in Nala’s entries.  She remembered back to the events in the old mystic’s home village of Goden where the other mystics known as the circle of 12 had called her by the same title after she had saved the children of the village somehow changing the course of history for that one odd little place. 

 

The warrior mother let the thought pass over her and brought her concentration back to the little bundle in her hold. Xena felt a tear race down her cheek and made no effort to stop it.  She looked down at the child in her arms waiting for the eyes to pop open and the pale features to be filled with new life and strength.  “You see baby. You were special right from the start,” she whispered as she pressed the little girl closer and allowed her fingers to flip through the pages of time.  So now you come back to me.  You’ve been away long enough Tarren.  It’s time for you to come back where you are needed and loved…come home to me little one.”

 

 

In that place where there is no true darkness…

 

 

 

The boy jumped from behind the tree but his sister was nowhere to be seen.  He scratched his head and dropped his makeshift sword to one side wondering where she was hiding.  “Tarren!” he called afraid the little girl had somehow found a way to seek trouble even in this place of peace.

 

There was nothing but a soft whistle and whoosh and the squeaky sound of a child’s battle cry.  By the time the boy looked up a small pair of boots had already made contact with his chest knocking him to the ground.

 

 

Tarren straddled the boy keeping him pinned beneath her boots.  She smiled arching an eyebrow as high as she could while offering her own version of their mother’s evil little laugh.

 

Solon could feel the wind returning to his body as he tried to sit up.  He grinned, looking at the satisfied expression of his little sister.  “That was really good Tarren.  I didn’t even hear you and you even sound like Mother,” he said attempting to rise.

 

The little girl smile broadened and she pushed her brother back to the dirt flopping on top of him.  “Really Solon?  Did I really sound like Momma?” she asked eagerly.

 

The boy again grimaced at his lose of wind but nodded.  “Yup.  You are a Warrior Princess in the making if I ever saw one,” he said knowing it was just what the child wanted to hear.

 

Tarren’s eyes grew wide but then her brow arched and she pinned the boy’s arms to the dirt.  “You are a prisoner of the Warrior Princess Tarren and I have not finished with you yet boy,” she said with as much force as her squeaky voice could muster.

 

Solon frowned.  This was no longer fun. “Come one get up,” he said giving the youngster a nudge.

 

The little girl merely shook her head as she placed her knees closer to her brother’s chin wanting to make sure he did not turn away as she gave him her best warrior princess grin.  “No I like sitting right here.” She shook her butt from left to right and sighed.  “You’re nice and squishy to sit on,” she teased.

 

The boy frowned at this stubborn youngster’s behavior but then smiled and did a quick roll on the ground jumping to his feet with his surprised little sister straddled over one shoulder. “You are not the only one that can act like mother,” he warned giving the smaller child a quick snap in the britches and lowering her safely to the ground.

 

Tarren yelped a bit at the action and rubbed her seat. “Hey what did you do that for?” she asked giving the tall boy a quick shove to show her displeasure.

 

Solon gave a crooked as he rocked on his heels. “Because you are a brat,” he replied his arms folded in Xena fashion.

 

Tarren moved forward again giving the boy a quick shove. “You’re not Momma so I don’t care what you say,” she yelled turning away.  She paused for a moment and bit her lip. “How come I always get in so much trouble anyway?” she mumbled, knowing that Xena would surely paddle her good for disobeying and following after her mother.

 

Solon shook his head and moved up beside his sister. “Maybe because you never behave yourself Tarren,” he said sternly.

 

Tarren chewed on her lower lip and let her eyes grow wide as she glanced up at her larger sibling. “I behave lots Solon.” She lowered her eyes and shrugged. “But nobody’s ever watching when I am being good.  They only catch me when I’m bad,” she said with a sulk for the injustice of the system.

 

Solon chuckled a bit at his little sister’s use of logic.  He tasseled her hair and then placed a loving arm around her shoulder. “I don’t think it works that way Tarren.  Mother loves you and she wants you to grow up to be good.” He gave the child a little nudge. “She only punishes you because she loves you so much and she doesn’t want any bad stuff to happen to you.  Understand?” he asked not sure if he could impart this newfound wisdom to the child.  He himself only had come to learn these things from listening to his mother’s thoughts.  He knew how much she loved Tarren and how truly terrified she was of losing the youngster. Xena would not allow Tarren to follow the very path of darkness she herself had once taken.

 

Tarren shrugged. “Yeah I know Momma loves me…but….” He looked up at the boy. “Being good is awful hard and I don’t always wanna do what Momma tells me, “ she grumbled.

 

Solon threw his hands up in surrender. “Well then considering the size of Mother’s hand and the size of your butt I’d say you better get used to eating on you feet little sister,” he replied with a grin.

Tarren again rubbed the seat of her britches.  “I already am,” she murmured.  The sour expression quickly disappeared replaced by the mischievous glint of the small child returned. “I do get to sit on Mommy’s lap all the time and she kisses me and hugs me and tells me how much she loves me and me and…Sometimes she even cries if I get a spankin,” the youngster said awed by her own words.

 

Solon swallowed hard and lowered his head.  “Sounds like Mother loves you very much,” he said quietly.

 

Tarren folded her arms and took a deep breath. “Yup! I’m Momma’s great goody ya know? We’re partners.  Uh huh we share one heart and what’s hers is all mine accept her sword and chakrum.”  She took a hard swallow. “I’m not allowed to touch those…yet.”  She turned to see that her brother’s expression was now sullen.  She squinted at the boy. “What’s wrong with you?” she asked giving him a quick poke in the arm.

 

Solon shrugged.  “Nothing…well…it’s just that I never got a kiss or a real hug or even a spanking from Mother,” he said sadly.

 

Tarren twisted her lips. “You can have all my spankins if you want,” she said hopeful this was an arrangement that could be worked out.

 

The boy grinned a bit but his shoulders still sagged from the weight of the sadness of never having truly known Xena as a mother. “I would take them all if it meant I could have the hugs and kisses too Tarren.” He paused. “You don’t know how lucky you are,” he stated staring intently at the child.

 

The little girl’s eyes widened. “Uh…well …the hugs and stuff are mine so I guess I’ll keep the spankins too.  Like you said it’s cause Momma loves me and I wouldn’t want her to think I didn’t want her to love me.  Besides she wouldn’t want me givin stuff away without askin first,” she said suddenly feeling a mixture of jealousy and regret for a brother she knew would never again know the touch of their mother’s hand.

 

Solon nodded in understanding. “I wouldn’t trade any of it either if I were you…even if it meant a paddling when I was bad,” he said trying to force a smile. “Does Mother sing to you? I always wanted her to sing for me.”

 

Tarren bit her lip not quite sure what to say. “Yeah I like it lots when she sings.” She smiled. “Sometimes she sings to me when she thinks I’m sleepin and I keep my eyes closed so she keeps singin cause I really like it lots.”

 

Solon sniffled a bit and then took in a deep breath of air. He stared at his little sister for a long moment as her small figure started to change color and fade right before his eyes. He smiled broadly knowing it was time.

 

Tarren glanced at her nearly transparent hands and then looked frantically at her brother for answers. “Solon what’s happenin?” she asked reaching out a hand but unable to touch her brother.

 

The boy stood tall.  “It’s time for you to go back to mother now Tarren.  She needs you and you need her.  Please hug her for me,” he said with a wave and a nod. “And try and stay out of trouble.”

 

 

Tarren looked from the fading image of her brother to her own changing form.  “Solon…Solon…I can’t hear you,” she cried.

 

 

Soon the world that had been filled with bright colors and sunny skies faded replaced by a lonely black tunnel with a very tiny point of light at one end.  Tarren swallowed hard as she tried to find her way in the blackness of this strange place. “Solon?” she called but there was no response. 

 

Just as the little girl was about to scream out his name she heard a familiar voice calling out to her from somewhere in the distant darkness. The words were soft and pleading and filled with love and fear.

 

“Tarren baby come back to me.  I need you.  Please come back to me.”

 

Tarren turned in circles until her eyes caught the tiny spec of light once again. “Mommy!” she yelled running in the direction of the now growing illumination knowing that was the place the voice had emanated from, sure it was the path back to her mother’s arms.

 

OK folks it looks like there will be a part 13 after all.  I’m sorry it took so long for 12 but bringing it all together and setting up the next story is a lot of work.  I appreciate your patience.  Little Ego and I thank you.  Back to work on part 13. J   fantimbard@aol.com