“All right you two.  Mavis you take Varia by the shoulders.  Celia get over here and grab that foot and I’ll take the other,” Matilda ordered.  “Now one, two, three lift.”  With that the three women lifted Varia and started to make their way out of the clearing.

 

“Uh, Matilda, what happened?” Celia grunted.  Varia was heavier than she looked.  Their class had been waiting for Xena and when she was late the two girls went looking for her.  They arrived at the clearing just in time to see Gabrielle clunk Varia on the head.

 

“Ah well, Varia said she wanted to have Xena’s baby and Gabrielle clobbered her.  Hey! Mavis be careful you dropped her,” Matilda yelled.

 

Mavis gulped and eyed the unconscious woman. “Th…That doesn’t seem like Gabrielle. I mean to just haul off and hit some one.”  Mavis took up her burden again.

 

“Ugh.” Matilda grunted as they took off again.  “Kid the surest way in this world to get your brains knocked out is to tell some one you want to fuck their mate.”  Matilda gave Varia a dubious look, “Of course it takes a real jackass to tell some one that.”

 

Thud!

 

“Oh for Eli’s sake will you stop dropping her. It’s going to take all day to get her to the healer if you keep that up,” Matilda groused.  The women picked up Varia again.

 

Celia bit her lip.  “You know that chobo was my birthday gift to Gabrielle,” she said proudly.

 

Matilda was impressed.  “Good weapon.”  Looking at the rising knot on Varia’s head, “very effective.  You might have a bright future as a weapons crafter.”

 

Celia beamed.  She then gave Mavis a hooded looked.  “You know, we gonna have Xena and the queen over for dinner tonight.  Maybe Gabrielle will demonstrate her chobo techniques after dinner.  Right, Mavis?”

 

Thud!

 

“For the love of the gods, Varia’s head ain’t that hard.  Celia get over there and help Mavis hang on to her.”  Celia gave Matilda her leg and grabbed Varia’s left arm.  “OK let’s get her to the healer before she looses the few brains she has left.”

 

Xena studied Gabrielle as she sat dejectedly at their kitchen table.  “Oh crap! She’s going to start crying over slugging that bitch,” Xena thought morosely.  The only time Xena felt truly helpless was when Gabrielle cried and it was even worse when she was the cause.   Why didn’t I just slug her myself?   Xena sighed.  “Gabrielle please don’t cry. . . I mean she did want me to fuck …err make love ….no …fuck the whole Amazon nation starting with her.  Anyone would have the done the same thing, in your place.”  Crudely put but accurate.

 

Gabrielle looked up into Xena’s concerned eyes.  “I know.  But I didn’t hit her because I was jealous…”

 

“I never said you were jealous.  I mean you know me, I would never cheat on you even if you gave me permission,” Xena frowned.  Hmm I never thought I would ever consider getting someone’s permission for anything.  I guess I am whipped.  Surprisingly that thought didn’t trouble the warrior at all.

 

Gabrielle gave a small chuckle, “I don’t think I would be giving that permission any time soon.  No, you are the most loyal person I know.  You would never dishonor me or yourself in any way.”

 

“OK so you aren’t feeling bad about hitting Varia because you were jealous.  Well she did insult you and you have no reason to feel bad about hitting her.  She threatened you and it was a smart move on your part to take her out fast.  Not that you needed to, you could have taken her.”

 

Gabrielle gave her partner a dubious look.  “Xena, I don’t feel bad about hitting Varia.  I feel bad about you.  I am so ashamed.  How can I ever make it up to you?”

 

Xena looked at her bard in complete astonishment.  She quickly ran over the events of the morning in her mind.  Let’s see Varia offered me the Amazons and herself, I said no, then she offered me the Amazon nation, I said no, Gabrielle arrived, Varia insulted her, I growled and contemplated murder, Gabrielle stopped me from ripping her limb from limb, then she slugged Varia.  Nope. Nothing she should be ashamed of here, especially nothing involving me.  “I don’t understand what you are talking about, sweetheart.  You didn’t do anything to me.”

 

“I brought you here.  I’m so sorry, love,” Gabrielle said tearfully.

 

Xena was confused.  She looked around the cabin and for a minute she thought Gabrielle was apologizing for the accommodations.  The cabin was really nice, much better than what she ever provided for Gabrielle.  “You mean you are sorry we came to live with the Amazons.  Why?  I know they got a bit carried away over Herb but you know how Amazons are, they’re an excitable bunch.  So what if they wanted me to breed a tribe of Amazon warriors?   I wasn’t going to it, so it doesn’t matter.  And it does make sense in a way.  They had me, the retired Destroyer of Nations, on hand; who better to produce a batch of blood-thirsty Amazons?”  Xena gave her lover an amiable look.

 

Gabrielle however was furious and began to pace the room.  “Xena how dare you talk about yourself like that?  You are not the perfect person to breed bloodthirsty killers.  You are the perfect person to raise happy and well-loved children.  You were robbed of that chance by Ares and …by me,” Gabrielle suddenly turned from Xena as she thought of poor sweet Solan.

 

Xena gently turned Gabrielle towards her, “Solan wasn’t your fault.  Please don’t blame yourself anymore.  Please,” Xena said earnestly.  So it was the children that upset Gabrielle so much those unborn Amazons that were going to be used in Varia’s wars of conquest.  “Gabrielle there is no reason to be upset over something that is never going to happen.  I know that the thought of children…”

 

“No, you just don’t get it.  I’m not worried about Varia’s imaginary army or her phantom child.  I am upset that these people who should know you by now would think that you would be content to have children that you could ignore or use for your own purposes.  Xena, do you think I am as blind as the Amazons?  I see you with the tribe’s children.  How they gather around you.  How you always make time to listen to their stories and take them for a ride on Argo.  How at every birthday each child gets a hand made gift from you and how happy they are when they receive something from their hero.”

 

Xena blushed.  The children were a soft spot but she had hoped no one would notice, well she was right about everyone else, except Gabrielle.  “Yeah they do like those little bows and arrows and spears, don’t they,” Xena said with a small grin.

 

“Well, they are Amazons and they love your gifts,” Gabrielle studied Xena for a moment and added, “but I have been meaning to talk to about the wisdom of giving sharp pointy things to four year olds.”

 

Xena winched; one small spear caused havoc in one child’s hands.  “You know Petra will be a champion javelin thrower someday,” she said with a pout.

 

“Yes, I’m sure you’re right,” Gabrielle said with a small grin.  Gabrielle sobered and took her partner's face in her hands, “You are such a good person.  I thought the Amazons knew this and I wish you could get that through that thick head of yours.  Xena,

 I wanted to raise a child with you not just for myself but so that some one else would know your goodness.”  Gabrielle gently kissed Xena.  “And I wanted you to know the kind of person you truly are.  The kind, good, loving person…”

 

Xena swallowed hard and whispered, “Gabrielle with you I may be all those things but you can’t ignore my violence. Sometimes I am not good or very nice.  The Amazons may be right; perhaps my children would as blood thirsty as I was… look at Eve.”

 

“Then perhaps I shouldn’t have children either.  I gave birth to Hope….”

 

“Don’t you say that,” Xena said angrily.  “Hope was never your child.  She was a demon from birth and you never raised her.  Maybe if you had, if I hadn’t…” Xena trailed off.

 

“No I never raised Hope and you didn’t raise Livia, the killer, either.  But when you came back into Livia’s life your love and forgiveness changed the killer back into the sweet woman Eve was always meant to be.  Hope never had a chance because she was missing her soul.  Our child will have a soul and she will be shaped by our love and our goodness.”

 

Xena raised an eyebrow, “So she will be pretty special, huh?”

 

With a twinkle in her eye, “Yes she will – after all she will be the offspring of the Battlin’ Bard and Warrior Princess.  How can she not be special?”

 

“Well she could be a he.  Would he still be special?”  Xena stroked her chin as she eyed Gabrielle.

 

“Damn straight he would be special.  But we won’t let on; you know how boys and their egos are.  We'll just pretend he is extraordinary then let him know he’s special when he is older.”

 

Xena laughed and gave Gabrielle a calculating look.  “So you bopped Varia because she insulted me.  You mean you weren’t just a wee bit jealous over her obvious carnal intentions?”

 

“Well I can’t blame her for something I’m certainly guilty of,” Gabrielle said with a saucy grin.

 

Xena gave her a look of mock shock, “Oh my! You have carnal intentions, I’m shocked, but that does make it convenient since I have the same intentions toward you.”  Xena looked at her partner lecherously.

 

“Oh you do, do you?  Did you have those intentions toward Varia?” Gabrielle asked innocently.

 

“Oh gods, Gabrielle, you do know how to spoil a mood.”  Xena was actually horrified at the thought of she and Varia together.

 

“Well that’s why I’m not jealous.  I can’t blame her for falling for you.  Half the Amazons have fallen in love with you.”

 

Xena now took Gabrielle in her arms and kissed her and said seriously.  “No they love XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS.  You love Xena, the grumpy, who can be difficult, contrary, and at times, suffers from a very bad digestion, which makes sleeping with her a heroic choice.  That’s why they could never entice me.”

 

Gabrielle stuck her tongue in her cheek and contemplated Xena, “How’s your digestion, today?”

 

“Great!” Xena answered enthusiastically.

 

“Then take me to bed, my grumpy warrior, I do believe the frog spit has kicked in.”

 

Xena laughed and did exactly that.  The couple spent the day making glorious love and fell soundly asleep.  Gabrielle awoke in the early evening and remembered the couple's engagement with Mavis and Celia.  “Xena we have to get dressed.”

 

“OK,” Xena looked intrigued. “Hmm then I get to undress you again.  I like it.  Go on. You get dressed and then I’ll undress you and then I’ll get dressed and you can undress me.  Sounds like a plan.” Xena was ready to hop out of bed.

 

“No I’m serious.  Remember we are supposed to dine with Mavis and Celia this evening.”

 

“Oh crap,” Xena was not happy.  “You’re disappointing Herb.”

 

Gabrielle patted Xena‘s arm.  “He’ll survive,” she said flatly.

 

Xena sighed. It looks like she was going to lose this argument.  Damn Gabrielle’s good manners.

 

 Gabrielle quickly got out bed.  “Oh it’s gotten cold.”  She threw Xena her robe.  “You better put this on.”

 

Xena removed the robe from her head were it landed and pulled it on as she got out of bed.  She yawned a mighty yawn.  The last love making session had really worn Xena out.  Oh boy!  I’m getting old.  I never fell asleep so fast in my life.  Hmmm maybe Gabrielle really was affected by the frog spit – she was on fire today.  Xena smiled a cocky and satisfied grin, and so was I.

 

Gabrielle strolled over to Xena and put her arms around her mate.  “Now what is that grin for?” She asked slyly.

 

“You know exactly what it’s about.  Unfortunately I can’t repeat my amazing performance of this afternoon because we must dine with our little Amazon buddies.  Unless some one has changed her mind?”  Xena gave her bard a hopeful look.

 

Gabrielle stepped back and gave her warrior a critical look.  “You can repeat it tonight when we get home.  Right now we are going to get ready for dinner.  Now march yourself into the bathing room and take a shower.  You smell…sexy but that’s not an aroma I want to share.”

 

Xena raised an eyebrow at Gabrielle’s comment, “OK and I’ll start a fire under the water heater – you need a shower too, my love.  I will take a cold shower,” Xena leaned down and kissed Gabrielle, “so I can make it through dinner without shocking our little Amazons.”

 

Gabrielle shivered, “It’s really chilly, perhaps you should wait until the water warms up before you shower.”

 

“Nah,” Xena waived a dismissive hand, “I’m a tough warrior, not some wimpy bard – I thrive on cold showers.”  Xena then threw back her shoulders, kissed Gabrielle soundly and marched into the bathing room.

 

Gabrielle smiled and shook her head and left the bedroom to build fires in the kitchen and living room.  As she entered the kitchen she heard the shower start and then a startled yelp, tough warrior, my ass!

 

As Gabrielle began to putter around the kitchen she noticed a note had been left under the door.  She went over and opened it.  It was from Celia:

 

            Dear Queen Gabrielle and Xena,

             

Mavis has suddenly been called to visit a sick relative in Corinth and has departed forthwith.  I believe she will not be gone long since her departure was unplanned and very hasty.  I am sorry we will have to postpone our dinner since I was going to ask you for some tips on chobo fighting.  Queen Gabrielle I am so proud that you chose my gift to defend your and Xena’s honor today and I know that Mavis was also impressed.  Since we will not be having dinner tonight I left some of the vitals we were going to have in a basket on your doorstep.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Your most loyal subject,

Celia

 

Gabrielle stared curiously at the letter.  Nice letter.  The Amazon writing master is doing a good job.  I’ll have to make sure I congratulate Genice.  I didn’t know Mavis had relatives in Corinth?  Hmm… I didn’t remember those were Celia’s chobos but they did come in handy – it’s a good thing Xena forgot them this morning or Varia might have sais sticking out of her.

 

 Suddenly Gabrielle’s stomach rumbled and she realized she was very hungry.  Sex does build an appetite.  She retrieved Celia’s basket from the porch and took inventory:  a cold chicken, some fruit, little dumplings with red stuff inside (Xena will love that), and nut bread.  Gabrielle sniffed the bread – something was missing.  It needed something?  Suddenly Gabrielle knew what it needed – fish sauce!  She rummaged through the cupboards and found the jar.  She broke off a piece of bread and poured some fish sauce on it.  She tasted it – it was delicious – why hadn’t she thought of this before?

 

Gabrielle picked up the basket and jar of fish sauce and walked back into the bedroom.  “Oh Xenaaaa, we can have a repeat performance and we don’t even have to stop to…” Gabrielle stopped in mid sentence at the sight of a stunned Xena standing stock still in the middle of the bedroom clutching her robe shut.  “Xena, what’s wrong?”  Gabrielle rushed to her partner’s side.

 

Xena gave Gabrielle a curious look.  “He’s gone,” she said distractedly.

 

“Who’s gone?”  Gabrielle was confused; no one could have delivered bad news to Xena without her knowing about it.

 

“Herb.  He’s disappeared.”

 

Gabrielle looked wildly around the room.  “He’s escaped!?  We have to find him before an Amazon catches him.”  Gabrielle was verging on panic.

 

Gabrielle’s distress snapped Xena out of her thrall.  She quickly went to her partner, took the basket of food from her and led her to a chair.  “Please calm down.  Sit here.  You shouldn’t be carrying this heavy basket,” Xena began plumping pillows to put behind Gabrielle’s back.

 

Gabrielle waived Xena away with annoyance.  “Stop that!  We have to find Herb.  The gods only know what those…those…anti-penis Amazons will do to him if they catch him.  Xena, we need him in good working order,” Gabrielle said desperately.

 

Xena knelt before Gabrielle and took her face in her hands.  “Listen!  Herb didn’t run away.  He’s just gone,” Xena snapped her fingers, “poof…gone.”

 

“Gone?  But we still need him.  I mean, if you’re a eunuch how can we have a baby?”

 

Xena was annoyed – everyone seemed to cast aspersions on her masculinity.  “I am not a eunuch,” Xena proclaimed haughtily.  “I’m a woman…again.”  Xena then parted her robe to prove her word.

 

Gabrielle gaped at her partner's nether regions.  “Xena you are a woman.  Do you think…?”

 

“Yep.  We are going to have a baby.”  Xena gently kissed her wife but quickly drew back.  “Gabrielle have you been eating something rotten?”

 

“Xena, you’re not rotten,” Gabrielle said innocently.

 

“No, something else,” Xena rolled her eyes.

 

“Oh! Just some nut bread dipped in fish sauce,” she held out the tidbit she still had in her hand.  “Here, have a bite.”

 

Xena swallowed convulsively, “Nah I’ll let you enjoy it.”  Gabrielle shrugged and took a bite of her treat.  Her partner eyed her with a mixture of disgust and admiration for her cast iron stomach.  “Now I’m positive – you’re pregnant,” Xena said under her breath.

 

Gabrielle held out her hand for Xena.  “Come here and sit with me.”  Xena got up and settled into the chair with Gabrielle on her lap.  “What do we do now?”

 

Xena shrugged.  “Well, I’ve been meaning to put a central heating system in before winter. So I’ll get started on that.  I want you to be warm during your pregnancy.  I’ll also need to add a room but that can wait until she’s a little older.  Of course I can start making some baby clothes and a cradle.”

 

“Oh, woman of many skills, what am I suppose to do while you’re building, sewing and carving.”  Gabrielle asked with a grin.   “I assume I could be of some use.”

 

“You will be resting, eating, writing baby stories, and thinking up names.  You will be doing the important stuff while I do the boring stuff.”  Xena said with a lopsided grin.

 

“Sounds like fun but I meant, what do we do about Varia? I did assault her and I’m sure there will be consequences.” Gabrielle was now feeling guilty about whacking Varia on the head.

 

Xena waived a hand and said airily, “Ah screw the Amazons.”

 

“Xena, we no longer have that option.”

 

Xena raised her eyebrow at that.

 

“They might demand that we leave the village.”

 

 Xena snorted. “Well you aren’t going any where.  I want you here where you can be cared for.  Let’s face it, no one can make us do anything we don’t want to.”  Xena’s voice grew colder, “if they press the point I’ll take it as a challenge to you and I know how to defend my queen.”

 

Gabrielle looked at Xena with a touch of concern.  “You said we could go to the farm.  Have you changed your mind about that?”

 

“We can go there but the place needs work.  You are not spending a winter there in your condition.  We can move there but not until I believe it’s safe for you and the baby.  I don’t want any arguments about this, Gabrielle.  I don’t want you to worry about Varia or anything else.  I’ll handle it.”  Xena was brooking no arguments.  She would care for Gabrielle even if she had to challenge every Amazon in the tribe.

 

Gabrielle bit her lip.  She disliked being told what to do but she instinctively knew now wasn’t the time to challenge Xena.  Her mate was in full protective mode and it would be best to just let her think she won this argument.  Time to change the subject. “You know we should tell Aphrodite about the baby.”

 

Xena, startled by the non sequitur, didn’t have time to reply because suddenly there was a shower of tiny pink teddy bears.  “I think she knows,” Xena said dryly as she picked a small bear out of her partner’s hair.

 

With a puff of baby powder, Aphrodite appeared. Aphrodite was dressed for the maternity ward, granny glasses, a pink Mother Hubbard hat on her head, a nurse’s apron with tiny safety pins pinned to the bib, and underneath, a pink bustier with blue roses.  “Sweetpea, congratulations.  I knew Herb could do the job.” 

 

Gabrielle jumped up to give Dite a hug but Xena was miffed.  “Hey!  You don’t congratulate the hammer for building the house.  I did the job and don’t you forget it.”

 

Dite gave Gabby a small wink, “Studly you are so right – it ain’t the wand but the magician that does the trick.”  Dite then turned to Gabrielle. “So, now how do you like your birthday present?” It was obvious that the goddess expected praise.

 

Gabrielle gave her friend a calculating look then grabbed her by the ears and gave her big kiss on the lips, “This has been the best gift ever.”

 

Aphrodite was shocked by the bard’s exuberant kiss but suddenly the goddess screwed up her face, “Ew!  What have you been eating?” She gave Xena an evil look.

 

“Don’t look at me.  The preggie has been munching on nut bread laced with fish sauce.”  Xena picked up the treat that Gabrielle had abandoned when Dite popped in and held it out to the goddess, “Here, it’ll make a nice change from ambrosia.”

 

Dite sighed. “Very funny.  At least Gabby knows how to thank a goddess.  What about you?”

 

Xena gave the goddess a hooded look and rose sinuously from the chair.  “Oh I know how to thank a goddess,” she said silkily. 

 

Dite gulped and gave Gabrielle a small panicked look.  Gabrielle just shrugged.  Xena approached the goddess then suddenly gave the deity a hearty slap on the back and a bone-crushing hug.  “Thanks Dite.  We’ll call when the kid needs her diapers changed.”  Gabrielle and Xena burst into laughter at the goddess’s disconcerted look.  Then Xena sobered.  “I really do thank you.  This is not only Gabrielle’s dream but you have given me a chance to see a child of mine grow up.  Also thanks for knocking me out when Herb left.”  Xena said with a smile.

 

“Figured that out, huh?  I really didn’t know that the transformations would be painful.  I couldn’t fix that so I just added a sleeping spell so that you wouldn’t feel the next transformation.”  Aphrodite now clapped her hands.  “I assume the girl, if it is a girl, will be named after me.  Aphrodite, Jr.”  She gave the couple an expectant look.

 

Xena stuck her tongue in her cheek and gave Gabrielle a look.  Gabrielle scratched her chin, “Well, I don’t know, Aphrodite.  That’s an awful burden to place on a woman – to be named after the Goddess of Love and the most beautiful woman in the world.  Don’t you think?”

 

Aphrodite was disappointed but nodded sagely. “Yes that would be an unfair burden.  I mean you are both babes and I’m sure your child will be very bodacious but you are right, she’ll never be my equal.”

 

Xena gave a quiet sniff at that but remained tactfully quiet.

 

Aphrodite was disappointed, she wanted to be part of this child’s life in some way.  “I guess I can settle for being an auntie,” she said in a small voice.

 

Gabrielle regarded the sad goddess with amused sympathy.  She looked at Xena who gave a small nod.  “Well actually I thought you could be her or his god’s mother.  If that’s alright with you?”

 

Aphrodite beamed.  “Oh boy!  That’s better than an auntie, right?  I’ll have responsibilities and duties…this won’t be a lot of work will it?”  Asked the suddenly concerned goddess.

 

“No, basically you will just have to come to birthday parties and give presents,” the bard reassured Aphrodite.

 

“Oh I can do that,” a relieved Aphrodite said.  “In fact I have presents for both of you right now.”  Unclipping the safety pins from her apron she gave them to Gabrielle, “You’ll need these.”  Then turning to Xena she gave her a small box “I thought you would like a small memento to remember this occasion.”  With that Aphrodite blink out in shower of tiny blue bears.

 

Xena shook her head; “I’m going to have a memento in about nine months.”

 

Gabrielle however was trying to figure out the safety pins.  Suddenly she stuck herself, “Ouch, these thinks are dangerous.  What in the world am I supposed to with these?” Gabrielle asked Xena.

 

Xena shrugged, “I guess you could use them to pin the diapers but they look kind of dangerous.”

 

Gabrielle went over to the desk and placed the dangerous implements in a drawer.  “What did you get?  I hope it’s more useful than those pins.”

 

Xena shook the box vigorously and then open it. “Herb!” Xena cried happily.

 

“What !?” cried Gabrielle in concern and ran to Xena.  She gingerly took the box from Xena and cautiously peeked in.  Sure enough there was Herb or at least a replica of him.  He was now a marble statue with wings and four feet.  “Xena that is so…”

 

“Pornographic?” Xena helpfully supplied.

 

“No…yeah… no, it’s just disturbing,” a flustered Gabrielle answered.  “What are we suppose do with this thing?”  Gabrielle asked as she hastily handed it back to Xena.

 

Xena shrugged and placed it on the nearby desk.  The phalluses little legs supported it perfectly.  “You could use it as a paper- weight.”  Gabrielle gave her partner an evil look. “Or perhaps not,” Xena added quickly.  “I know, we’ll put it on the fireplace mantle.  It’ll make a great conversation piece.  I can imagine the Amazons will have a lot to say about it.”  Xena said with faux seriousness.

 

Gabrielle gave Xena a dubious look.  “I don’t know if I can live with Herb staring at me every day from the mantle.  I mean it’s embarrassing.”

 

“He can’t stare, he doesn’t have eyes.”  Xena said reasonably. “Besides when we were in Rome we saw hundreds of these little statues hanging from every doorway we passed.  Some were even wind chimes.  You weren’t embarrassed then.” 

 

Gabrielle drew herself up with great dignity, “When in Rome I did as the Romans did.  But I was embarrassed - I just tried not to look at them.  Didn’t you notice how I kept bumping into things?  That was because I was trying not to look at those things.”

 

“Oh, I thought you were just clumsy,” Xena said seriously.  “Well you’re going to have to stifle your prudish tendencies because it was a gift from your friend and it would be rude not to display it.  You know I always thought good manners were a real bitch but I guess being reformed has changed my outlook,” Xena said happily as she placed the statue in a place of honor on the mantle.

 

Gabrielle and Xena awoke late the next day.  They had spent the remainder of the evening playfully arguing over Herb’s new status as family heirloom and making plans for the new baby.  Xena went into great detail about how she was going to heat the family hut with hot water piped under the floors.  Gabrielle much to her surprise found the subject fascinating, probably because she found everything about Xena fascinating.  Between discussing phalluses and plumbing, Gabrielle came up with baby names, Ephiny Cyrene if a girl and Lyceus Herodotus if a boy.  Xena was touched that Gabrielle thought so highly of her family that she chose the names without even consulting her.   The evening passed quickly and the two women retired to their bed for some celebratory lovemaking.

 

The couple was just finishing a late breakfast when there was a knock at the door.  Xena answered it and was surprised to see Cyane standing on the threshold.  What puzzled Xena more than the queen’s appearance at her door was her obvious nervousness.

 

“Xena, I need to talk to you and Gabrielle for a minute.  If you don’t mind.”  Cyane was not looking forward to this conversation and it showed.

 

Xena sighed, “I guess this is about yesterday.  Well come in.”  As Cyane entered the house Xena caught her arm and hissed under her breath, “Don’t upset Gabrielle, understand!”

 

Cyane was startled at Xena’s vehemence but silently nodded her head.  Oh boy, this is going to be more difficult than I thought, and more dangerous if that look Xena gave me is any indication.

 

Gabrielle rose from the table to greet her friend and urged her to take a seat.  “I guess this is about what happened yesterday.  Let me say right off that I am sorry I struck Varia, it was the wrong thing to do.”

 

“Bullshit.  She propositioned me right in front of you and threatened to kick your ass.  She’s damn lucky it wasn’t you she was trying to get into bed or she would be the main guest at an Amazon funeral.”  Xena fumed.  “You had every right to knock her on her arrogant ass.”

 

“Xena!  I didn’t have the right to hit her.  Granted, she probably was asking for it and it certainly felt good at the time, but I was wrong.  I’ll submit to any punishment that is warranted, Cyane.”

 

Cyane scratched the back of neck.  “Well I’m not exactly here about Varia.  I’m here because according to the calendar today is the deadline for your pregnancy and we need an answer about Xena…uh…about Xena…doing..uh…

 

“The Amazons, “ Xena supplied helpfully.

 

Cyane gave Xena an embarrassed look, “Basically yeah.”

 

“Can’t,” Xena said as she settled herself in her favorite chair.

 

“I see,” Cyane sighed.  “Then I guess you will be leaving the Amazons.”  Looking at Gabrielle, “I guess you’ll be going with her.”  

 

“Where Xena goes, I go,” Gabrielle settled herself in Xena’s lap.

 

“Of course,” a resigned Cyane sighed.   She then addressed Xena again, “I know this is a lot to ask, but would you reconsider your decision.”

 

“Well if you had asked me yesterday to reconsider my decision, I would have, but I still wouldn’t have changed my mind.  Today, I wouldn’t have reconsidered my decision if I could have, but now I couldn’t even if I wanted to, which I don’t.  Understand?”  Xena looked at Cyane intently.

 

“What?  No I don’t understand.” Looking at Gabrielle, “What in Hades is she talking about?”

 

Gabrielle gave her partner an exasperated look, “Xena is trying to be funny.  Xena can’t father any Amazons because she has lost her penis,” Gabrielle explained.

 

“People don’t just lose penises,” Cyane said suspiciously.

 

Xena sighed.  These people had a real problem understanding the concept of enchantment.  “Cyane go over to the mantle and take a look.”  Xena waved at the fireplace.

 

Cyane gave Xena a curious look but went over to the mantle and looked. “Yikkes!  What is that?”

 

“That is my penis or a representation thereof, I'm not sure which,” admitted Xena.  “It was gift from Aphrodite.  Gabrielle, tell her why we got such an unusual gift.”  Xena now handed the ball over to Gabrielle.

 

Gabrielle smiled slightly at Xena and whispered, “You were right, it is a great conversation piece.” She then turned to Cyane, “Xena lost her penis because I am pregnant.  That is Aphrodite’s baby shower gift.”

 

Cyane, still mesmerized by the winged phallus, took a few moments to process the information but finally what Gabrielle said registered.  Cyane strode over to friends and took Gabrielle in a huge bear hug and gave Xena a hardy handshake.  “This is wonderful news and it’s a load off my mind.”

 

Both Xena and Gabrielle raised their eyebrows at this declaration.  In unison they said “Off your mind!”

 

“Oh gods yes!  Haven’t you noticed that nothing’s been getting done around here?  Everyone has been obsessing about Xena’s penis, whether Gabrielle’s pregnant today, if Xena could or would spawn a herd of Amazon warriors, worrying about how much everyone would miss both of you if you left.  Gods, it’s been a traumatic time for the Amazons.”  Cyane sat down with an exhausted sigh.

 

“Sorry to put the tribe through so much,” Xena said sarcastically.  “If we would have known we would be causing so much worry we would have tried to keep things private.  Oh wait!  We did, but everyone had to know everything about us.”

 

“I’m sorry.  I know you think we pay too much attention to your personal life but mainly the women have been worried about you two.  I don’t know how to explain it but your plight hit very close to home for a lot of Amazons.  We do worry a lot about having children and we do consider it a tremendous disappointment when we can’t have them.  We are, after all, women before we are warriors and most of us yearn for children.  When you were having problems it reminded us just how much a child means to us.  I also think a few us got a bit giddy at the prospect of having a means of having a child right at our fingertips,” Cyane gave Xena a rueful shrug. “Can you forgive us?”

 

Gabrielle smiled at Cyane, “Of course we can.  We just never understood why the Amazons were so interested in our plight, besides the obvious novelty of the situation.  I guess I understand better now.  However it’s going to take me a bit of time to get over the fact everyone wanted to bed my mate.  That annoyed me to no end,” Gabrielle huffed.

 

“Possessive little thing, isn’t she?” Xena gave Cyane a smug little smile and then settled her arms around her wife’s waist.

 

Cyane shrugged and gave Xena a little smirk, “Well, not everyone wanted to sleep with you.  I certainly never did.”

 

Xena gave the queen a little nod but Gabrielle was not so sanguine, “Why not?” Gabrielle demanded.  “Xena’s wonderful.  You should be so lucky to have her in your bed.”  Gabrielle suddenly frowned as the two women stared at her.  “I mean …uh…not that I want her to be in your bed…but…that…she’s really good in bed…uh…I mean …uh…”

 

Xena patted her lover on the back. “Baby you’re going to hurt yourself.  I know what you mean – I’m wonderful and everyone should want me but they should keep it to themselves,” Xena said slyly.  “I’m sure Cyane just meant she had too much respect for you and her own mate to want to sleep with me.  Right?”

 

“Exactly.  I meant no disrespect to Xena.”  Cyane looked at the couple.  Gabrielle seemed mollified and Xena was looking at her mate with amused affection.

 

“So, now that Gabrielle’s pregnant and Herb is just an interesting keepsake on the mantle is our problem with the Amazon nation over?”  Xena asked.

 

“Well once the pregnancy and your womanhood is confirmed by Ife,” Cyane answered.  Xena gave the queen and exasperated look.  “Xena, the council is going to want confirmation, I’m sorry.”

 

Gabrielle now spoke up.  “Xena, I want to visit Varia anyway.  So when we go to the hospice, Ife can examine you.”

 

“Don’t want to be examined,” Xena pouted.  “You examined me in the bedroom and Aphrodite gave us little Herb. That should be good enough for the council.”

 

Gabrielle sighed.  Xena was going to be difficult. “Yes that should be enough but the council needs an official verification because they are an officious bunch of biddies, OK.  Also I want to make sure you are all right.  After all you’ve had your innards rearranged twice and I want to make sure there aren’t going to be any after effects.”

 

Xena took on a long suffering look, “Well if it makes you happy, I’ll do it, but as far as the council is concern they can go straight to …” Xena’s tirade was halted by Gabrielle’s hand which covered her mouth.

 

“Yes dear, we get the idea – you’re not happy.”  Gabrielle got up and pulled Xena up with her.  “Come on we might as well get this over with.  Don’t forget I have to face Varia.  I doubt if she is going to be happy to see me.”  Gabrielle then got a wicked look in her eye, “On the bright side, I get to tell her she will never ever have the opportunity again to even think about getting you into her bed.”

 

Ife was just finishing up her morning notes on her only patient, Varia.  She was worried about the Amazon’s condition.  Although she was recovering well from the blows to her head inflicted by Gabrielle and the clumsy Amazons that brought her to the infirmary, Varia was not herself.  The healer was puzzled and was about to examine her patient again when Gabrielle, Xena and Cyane entered the hospice.

 

“Ife, I’m sorry to disturb you but Xena needs your professional services and I want to visit Varia, if I may?” Gabrielle said quietly not wanting to disturb any patients in the hospital.

 

Ife gave Xena a concerned look but other than looking profoundly annoyed the warrior seemed fine.  “What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing,” Xena said curtly.  “Just my wife being overly cautious and the Amazon council being a pain in the ass.”  Xena drug a chair out and abruptly sat down.

 

Gabrielle gave Xena an annoyed look. “I’m not being overly cautious.” Turning to Ife, “We have some very good news, I’m pregnant and Xena’s a woman again.”

 

“Oh that’s wonderful.  But why does Xena need an examination?”  Ife asked.

 

Cyane now spoke up, “Because you have to certify her return to womanhood.”

 

“And I want to make sure all that shuffling around with body parts didn’t hurt Xena,” Gabrielle added.

 

Ife shrugged, she had nothing better to do and it would keep her from worrying about Varia.  “OK.  Do you want to be with her while I do this?”

 

“I know she’s a woman.  I’ve seen the proof.” Gabrielle said with a little smirk.  “No I want to see Varia and apologize for hitting her. How is she?”  Gabrielle was guilty and worried about her former friend.

 

Ife scratched her chin.  “Physically she is fine and is nearly recovered from her injuries.”  At the word “injuries” Gabrielle looked puzzled.  “Apparently Varia was dropped four or five times before she got to the hospice,” Ife explained.  She gave Xena a stern look when the warrior started to snicker.  “It’s her mental state that puzzles me.  She’s just not herself.  Gabrielle, I’d appreciate you opinion after you’re through with your visit.” 

 

Gabrielle now was really worried.  “Are you sure she will see me?  I don’t want to upset her.  I’m sure she is furious with me.”

 

“Ah hell, she’s always furious about something,” Xena mumbled from her chair.  Everyone turned and gave Xena a dour look.  Xena would not be stifled.  “Look Varia’s been in a perpetual bad mood since we’ve been here.  I don’t give a rat’s ass about her mental state.”  She then addressed her wife, “I know you – you’ll get all guilty and remorseful and feel bad about slugging that bitch.  I don’t want you upset especially not now.”

 

Gabrielle looked fondly at Xena but she had that stubborn look her partner both hated and loved.  “I have to do this.  I won’t let her upset me I promise.  Xena, while I’m visiting go have your exam.  Cyane go with her.”

 

“Why does Cyane have to go with me?” Xena asked indignantly.

 

“Because the council might want another witness, that’s why,” Gabrielle’s temper was beginning to fray.  She was nervous and didn’t feel well.  The fish sauce with eggs might have been a mistake this morning.

 

Xena decided to be petulant.  “Oh great!  When I was a man you hit people who wanted to see me naked but now that I’m a woman everyone can take a peek at me.  Cyane why not run out and get the council in here.  We can sell tickets.”

 

“Xena! Shut up and get in the examination room,” Gabrielle rasped.

 

Ife and Cyane were stunned.  They never heard anyone tell Xena to shut up, and from the look of fury in Xena’s eye, she hadn’t either.  Suddenly the anger left Xena and she shrugged.  She motioned to Cyane and Ife, “Come on Doc lets get this over with.”  Xena meekly went into the exam room, but as she went, she whispered to both women. “Mood swings.  Very bad.  Should’ve seen what I did to Corinth when I was carrying Solon.”

 

Gabrielle watched her partner enter the exam room.  She then turned to the door of Varia’s room and with a sigh she pushed the door open and peeked in.  She didn’t know what she expected, but from the Egyptian healer’s words, she felt whatever it would be, it wouldn’t be good.  Therefore she was surprised to see Varia happily fletching some arrows and humming a little tune.

 

“Varia, may I come in?” Gabrielle asked hesitantly.  She was stunned when Varia gave her a big smile and waived her into the room.

 

“Of course.  Sit down.  I’m really glad you came to visit.  I wanted to talk to you about yesterday,” Varia said. 

 

“Yes, yes.  I wanted to talk to you too.  I wanted to say that I’m sorry about hitting you.”  Gabrielle was straightforward but she had a hard time meeting her victim’s eyes. 

 

“Gabrielle, look at me.”  Gabrielle lifted her head and was surprised to see compassion in the brown eyes looking back at her.  “First off, let me say that I don’t think you owe me an apology.   I’ve been a first class bitch for some time and it was only a matter of time before some one knocked me on my ass.  As for yesterday I did threaten you so I guess you were only defending yourself.”

 

Gabrielle shook her head.  “No I hit you for a lot of reasons and the threat was only one and even that doesn’t excuse my attack.  I still want to say I’m sorry and if you want to press charges against me with the council, I’ll accept my punishment.”

 

Varia smiled, “Let’s see the punishment for assault and battery is flogging.”  Gabrielle looked startled.  “But I can’t see the council sentencing a pregnant woman to that.” Gabrielle again looked startled.  “The walls are very thin here.  I heard everything.”  Varia explained.  “Also I can’t see Xena calmly accepting that sentence.  So I think it would be a waste of time to press charges, even if I thought I should and I most certainly don’t think that.”  Varia said with unusual serenity.

 

Gabrielle looked at Varia with astonishment.  The woman who was sitting before her was certainly very different from the woman she had known over the past year.  Even when they had been friends, Varia had been short tempered, difficult, and arrogant.  This Varia was confident like the old Varia but she now had an air of maturity about her.  Gabrielle scratched the back of her neck; she was confused,  “Varia are you sure you are feeling alright?  I mean you don’t seem like yourself.”

 

“You mean I’m not bitter and angry.  No, I have had an epiphany.”

 

Gabrielle actually jerked when she heard the word “epiphany”.  The bard was astonished to even think that Varia knew the word much less what it meant.  “What kind of epiphany?”  Gabrielle asked with some trepidation.

 

The young warrior settled back and explained, “Gabrielle I have been examining my life.  You know I thought I was angry because I lost the throne.  But that wasn’t the real reason.  My anger came from my subconscious recognition that I failed as queen.  I made just awful choices - I followed Ares, I allowed Belleraphon to convince me to kill you – heck I couldn’t even secure the tribe’s borders.  Let’s face it; I was a lousy queen. I just don’t have the temperament or judgment to be a queen.   I couldn’t face that so instead I decided to play the victim making myself and everyone around me miserable.    I am now ready to face reality.  I have analyzed my strengths and weaknesses and although I was and would always be a rotten queen, I would make a dandy weapon’s master.”  Waiving the arrow at Gabrielle, Varia concluded, “I am working towards that goal right now.”

 

Gabrielle gaped at Varia.  “So you have completely re-examined your entire life and chosen a new life path since yesterday morning; all this while recuperating from a half dozen blows to the head.”

 

“Oh, I had help,” Varia replied.

 

“Help?”

 

“I had a dream in which I was lying on a pink leather couch.  A woman was talking to me; asking me all kinds of questions about my life.  I told her everything and slowly I began to realize how miserable I was and that my recovery was my own responsibility.  I alone was the key to my own happiness.  Once I recognized my weaknesses and my strengths and made decisions accordingly, I would be happy.  That’s why I’m fletching arrows,” Varia concluded happily.

 

Gabrielle shook her head as if to clear it.  “What did this woman look like?”

 

“Don’t know.  She was just out of my line of sight.  But she was very wise and smelled like rose water,” Varia said dreamily.

 

Gabrielle sat back and contemplated the happy warrior.  Aphrodite you’re simply amazing. 

 

“Varia I am truly happy that you have had an epiphany.  I hope everything works out for you as weapon’s master,” Gabrielle was still a little nonplussed at how the visit was turning out.

 

“Gabrielle, I hope that we can be friends again.  I really do want to be your friend and in that vein I would like to confess something to you.”

 

“OK,” the bard said curiously.

 

“Remember when I said I could kick your ass?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Well I can’t.”

 

Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders.  “Sure you can.  You don’t have to say that.  You beat the crap out of me in the challenge fight.  I don’t hold that against you.”

 

“I had help in that fight.”

 

“What?” Gabrielle gave Varia a puzzled look then the penny dropped.  “Ares!”

 

“When we were fighting Ares gave me a power boost.”

 

“That dirty low-down son of a bitch bastard,” Gabrielle hissed.

 

Varia cocked her head at the bard, “Funny, he said you would say that.”

 

 

 

Cyane, having seen proof of Xena’s womanhood, now could report to the council that all was well.  Gabrielle was pregnant and the couple would be staying in the village. The council received the news with great joy and much relief.  Relief predicated not only on the fact Xena and Gabrielle could now stay in the village but also on the fact the tribe would not have to cope with a generation of warrior princesses.  Even those who were most enthusiastic about Varia’s proposal began to consider that one warrior princess was a handful and whole generation might be unmanageable.  However what worried them most was the thought that the warrior princess generation might be attracted to warrior bards.  The elders were certain the Amazons could not survive a whole nation of Xenas and Gabrielles. 

 

As for Xena and Gabrielle, once Xena promised that she would make sure Ares paid for his little prank, the couple settled down to preparing for the baby.  Xena was a whirlwind of activity.  She did put in central heat, which kept her bard nice and warm during the long winter.  Xena also carved a beautiful cradle which was big enough to hold two since it was the warrior’s opinion that any pregnant woman who ate as much as Gabrielle was going to have twins or a humongous infant (she naturally kept the humongous part to herself.).  As for Gabrielle, she sat at her little desk and wrote scrolls and scrolls of children stories and when she became bored with that, Xena taught her to knit.  Gabrielle loved knitting especially the pearling part and soon there were enough baby clothes to outfit quadruplets.

 

As for Xena and Gabrielle’s friends, they too were very happy.  Celia retrieved Mavis from the swamp where she was hiding.  There were of course no relatives in Corinth just one scared Amazon terrified of a small jealous queen.  Matilda and Kaytal were both sure that their creams and rituals were the real reason behind the bard's pregnancy and therefore saw themselves as grandmothers to be.   Varia’s good mood stayed on and she did become weapons master.  As for Ife, she was so fascinated by Varia’s epiphany that she decided to make a case study of the Amazon’s behavior.  She studied the Amazon so closely the inevitable happened – the healer and Varia fell in love.  They made a very cute couple and Xena and Gabrielle stood up with them at their wedding.

 

As winter ended Xena and Gabrielle awaited the birth of their child with more and more eagerness.  Much to Gabrielle’s surprise Xena insisted that they attend special birthing classes that Ife held for expectant parents.  Although Gabrielle enjoyed talking to the other expectant mothers she secretly thought all that panting and pushing was a little silly.  Xena, on the other hand, took the classes very seriously.  Gabrielle was a good sport about it until the day came that they had to bring something to class for the expectant mothers to focus on. 

 

“You are not going to take that to class,” Gabrielle was stunned to see what Xena had chosen as her focal point.

 

“Why not?” Xena asked curiously.  “It’s perfect.  It’s just the right size and it has great meaning to us.  Ife said we should bring something of importance in our lives.  I’d say this was pretty important.”

 

“You can’t take a statue of a penis into a room full of pregnant Amazons,” Gabrielle said calmly.

 

“Why not?  It isn’t like they’ve never seen one before.  I mean how do you think they wound up in a birthing class in the first place,” Xena said reasonably.

 

Gabrielle scratched the back of her neck.  Xena had a point but still… “You know Amazons just don’t like to admit that they had to rely on one of those to get pregnant,”

 

“Well they did and they will just have to get over it.  Herb was an important participant in making us a family and I think he should be there in the end.”  Xena's sense of justice was now aroused.  True Herb was just a stone statue but she felt he would somehow be insulted if he weren’t in at the culmination of all his hard work.  It was irrational but that was how she felt, damnit.

 

Gabrielle sighed,  “They are going to absolutely freak when they see that… Herb.” She then gave Xena a sharp look; “You know I thought it was odd you should sign us up for this class.  You are not a joiner but you were awfully anxious to get into this class.  Xena, did you sign us up knowing you were eventually going to get a chance to freak out a whole bunch of Amazons when you produced Herb in the middle of class one day?”

 

Xena was the picture of wounded innocence.  “Gabrielle I’m shocked and hurt that you would think I would use the birth of our baby as an excuse to play a juvenile prank on poor unsuspecting Amazons.  I just thought it would be useful to know how to deliver a baby when no one was trying to kill us.”

 

“Ah uh,” Gabrielle nodded.  Although still unconvinced about Xena’s sincerity, she wasn’t going to make it an issue.  After all Xena was right, Herb was a reminder that their child was a true miracle and should be at the birth.  Gabrielle also couldn’t wait to see the Amazons freak. “OK.  Lets get to class but please put … him… in a sack until we need him.”

 

“I got his pouch, right here,” Xena dangled his cloth bag in front of Gabrielle.

 

“Great, let’s go,” a resigned Gabrielle said.  As the bard turned to open the door she briefly saw Xena’s evil smile as she tied the pouch to her belt but Gabrielle decided it would be best to ignore it.

 

When Xena produced Herb at the class, the Amazons did freak.  In fact there was such uproar Xena and Gabrielle were banned from the class.  It didn't really bother either woman too much since the sight of the enraged Amazons was very entertaining.  Besides both women felt they were well prepared for the birth of their child.  Now it was just a waiting game, a game that Xena took very seriously.  The emperor of Rome could not have had a more dedicated guard than Gabrielle had in Xena.

 

 In fact Xena’s vigilance just about drove Gabrielle crazy.  Every time the bard winced or burped Xena was at her side ready to carry her to bed.  She watched her wife like a hawk and if for some reason she couldn’t be with Gabrielle, the every helpful Mavis was called in to watch over her.  Gabrielle’s nerves were just beginning to fray when the waiting was suddenly over.

 

“Xena!” the bard called one morning. 

 

Xena dashed into the kitchen and immediately saw that Gabrielle’s water had broken.  She picked Gabrielle up and started to carry her into the bedroom.  “Don’t worry, sweetheart, everything will be fine.  I’ll send for Ife.”

 

“I don’t want Ife,” Gabrielle said plaintively just as a contraction hit.  “I want you to deliver the baby, please.”

 

Xena placed her bard on their bed and contemplated her wife.  Now this was an unexpected complication.  Xena had plans laid out.  The toweling and linens were ready.  Herb was waiting by the bed.  Celia was sitting on the front porch steps ready to dash off to the healer as soon as Xena gave the signal.  Ife would deliver the baby and Xena would help if necessary but her main job was to comfort and support Gabrielle.  The warrior was sure she had explained all this to her partner.

 

“This isn’t the plan.  Ife is going to deliver the baby.  We worked this out, remember,” Xena said calmly.

 

“Screw the plan,” Gabrielle nearly shouted as a stronger contraction hit.  “I want this baby out now.”

 

“Gabrielle, the only babies I have ever delivered had four feet and a tail and I used sharp weapons to do it.”  Xena was exasperated.  “Now either I call Ife or I start sharpening my chakram.  Your choice.”  Xena then whipped out her chakram and stood over the bard.

 

“Ife!  I choose Ife,” the bard said forcefully.

 

“Good choice.  Now try to relax and I’ll be right back.”  Xena gave the bard a quick kiss and then ran to the front and shouted to Celia, “Go.”

 

Celia was off as if she had been shot from a bow.  The young Amazon made an amazing run to the healer’s hut where Ife, having heard Xena’s shout, was already starting on her way.  Celia grabbed the healer’s hand and took off with her and they made it back to Xena and Gabrielle in record time.  Out of breath but ready to go to work, the healer found Gabrielle having a very quick delivery. 

 

The delivery went smoothly.  Gabrielle never called Xena any bad names but she did mutter darkly about throwing Herb out the nearest window.  Finally Ephiny Cyrene and Lyceus Herodotus entered the world to the great joy of their parents. 

 

Xena looked at her two children and she thought her heart would burst with love.  Her daughter had Gabrielle’s green eyes and sweetly stubborn expression.  She then looked at her son and knew immediately that he would grow into the fine man that Solon would have surely been.  Xena leaned over and kissed her bard on the forehead and whispered,  “Thank you, my love.”

 

Gabrielle, looking up from the two small bundles at her breast, could only chuckle.  Xena went through so much to give her these gifts.  She had been enchanted, had her anatomy rearranged, had her privacy invaded, and was treated like a prize bull by the Amazons just so she could give Gabrielle these two precious children and now she was thanking her.  Gabrielle never in her life felt such love and affection for Xena as she did at this moment.  She looked into the glistening eyes of her warrior and whispered. “No, Xena, thank you.”  And then with a small smile she looked over to the bed stand where Xena had placed a small statue, “and thank you, Herb.”

 

The End

 

 

 

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