THE BETWEEN THE LINES SERIES
(or what happened between the episodes)
by Texbard
For Disclaimers, see "Looking for
Trouble"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.14
A Matter of Trust
(post "A Necessary Evil")
X: "Hold
on!"
G: "Do it! Xena, I can't hold on!"
X: "Gabrielle--don't take your eyes off me!"
G: "Hurry!"
X: "I got'cha! I got'cha!"
- A Necessary Evil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's a beautiful day. A glorious one, in fact. We're in this
village, which is holding a festival in celebration of a large merchant caravan
that has stopped by for a few days. Its streets are full of vendor carts
and happy shoppers, and at one end of the square they've set up a roasting pit,
the scent of slow-cooked pork and beef making my mouth water. As if on
queue, a kabob stick appears in front of my face, loaded down with chunks of
sizzling meat and vegetables. "Thank you." I accept the
treat and look up and over my shoulder, to see Xena's smiling face.
"My pleasure." Her eyes are twinkling, partly because we're
having fun and partly from the two mugs of ale she's consumed. She takes
my hand and we continue to walk slowly through the market area, stopping
whenever and wherever we please. The village may be celebrating, but for
Xena and me it goes a step further. Callisto and Velasca are as good as
dead -- their immortal bodies entrapped in a river of lava I hope spills
directly into the deepest pits of Tartarus.
Callisto killed Perdicus. Velasca killed Melosa. I know, in my
heart, they deserve what they got.
I think I allowed myself all of an hour of self-indulging guilt for being happy
about their fate, before the greater relief of knowing they can't hurt us took
over. That was, of course, after I worked through about two hours of
misdirected anger at Xena for forcing me to have to deal with Callisto
again. After a while I got over it, hopefully with a minimum of hurt
feelings on her part.
She even knew exactly what was going on. It hurts my heart even now, her
apologies echoing in my mind -- "I'd have given anything to find another
way out of that Gabrielle, I hope you know that. Anything. I
had no other choice."
The thing is, I know that. Know it as surely as I know her. After
all that's happened to us recently, intentionally hurting me -- I don't think
she's capable of it. I think pulling Callisto out of that shaft hurt her
every bit as much as it hurt me. I know all the guilt she felt at
Perdicus' death -- at my pain -- all that came back to haunt her. I could
see it in her eyes.
After a while, I was able to sort that all out. So much of it was fear
and a sense of helplessness on my part. People have gone after me before,
because of my association with Xena. This was the first time someone went
after me because of who I am. Some of my fellow Amazons died because
someone was after me. A god, no less. I was terrified. As
Velasca put it, you can't hide from a god. Not me. Not Xena.
Not even Hercules, and he's a demi-god.
I really thought I was going to die, and I was ready to get it over with
sooner, rather than later, if it would spare anyone else. It was
another unfair moment, thinking that once again, Xena and I were going to be
ripped apart much too soon in our journey. Of course I should have
realized she wasn't going to let that happen. Not if she could think of
any other way.
We both had to make difficult choices. Xena bucked it up and stepped
around her own guilt feelings and my resentful hurt, and just did what she
always does -- executed a carefully-calculated plan to save our butts and our
friends from the bad guys. Me -- I think I know now more of what it feels
like to be her, in those times that someone is being hurt because of her.
And I made an important discovery. With Xena and me, it's all about
trust. Knowing we have each others' best interest at heart, even if it
means the other person may have to take a leap of faith to believe. Even
if it means temporary hurt for long-term comfort and safety. Even if it
means picking the lesser among evils, if there is no goodness to be chosen.
Most importantly, I understand now more than ever, that my place is by her
side. I think I may understand that even more than she does. No
matter what life or the gods or other assorted enemies may throw in our path, I
belong with her. When the going gets tough, I choose her, and that means
I choose to trust her.
Trust her plan to enlist Callisto. Trust her to defeat Velasca.
Trust her to catch me when I'm suspended over a river of lava, about to
die. Trust her with my life. Trust her with my heart.
I think of what set us on this crazy path together -- her stepping into a
clearing, unarmed and wearing nothing but a shift, trusting in her own
abilities to save a bunch of strangers from Draco's slavers. Me, packing
up my stuff and sneaking out in the middle of the night, trusting that a better
life awaited me at the end of that road to Amphipolis. Her, reaching out
and pulling a naive, rag-tag kid onto the back of a horse, and that rag-tag kid
grabbing hold of the hand offered, both of us trusting in a gut feeling that
was greater than any common sense will ever be.
We have each other and a love that can overcome death, because we were
each willing to do a very scary thing -- trust a stranger. And yet, was
she ever a stranger to me? My heart felt as if it had always known her,
from the moment our eyes first met.
I look over at her and our eyes meet, just like back then, and I get lost in
her gaze. I can feel this thing between us, and I can see it -- she feels
it too -- this current of emotion that runs so close to the surface for both of
us. She squeezes my hand and I reach across, offering her a bite of the
spicy pork on a stick. Her lips close around it, her teeth tearing at it,
and just watching her, my gut clenches in the best of ways, my body
reacting suddenly and unexpectedly to a simple, primal act. She chews and
swallows, and grins at me. "Thanks. That hit the spot."
"My pleasure," I echo her words. "Really."
Her grin turns feral and she winks, my meaning not lost on her. My
nostrils flare, her warm enticing scent washing over me in the late afternoon
sunlight. Gods, how many times has she teased me, telling me she can find
me with her eyes closed? I think I understand that now. There's so
much more I understand about her these days. Maybe that's what love does.
"You warm, my bard?" Her fingertips trail across my
cheek. "You look a bit flushed."
My eyelashes flutter closed, savoring her touch. Warm? Both warm
and cool, in a good way, pleasant chills chasing up and down my spine.
"Um." I hear her chuckle and I open my eyes, my brain still
trying to formulate a response.
"You too warm to dance with me?" We've reached the edge of the
village, where a group of musicians is set-up beside a flat open area.
Several couples glide around in a circle, throwing long lively shadows about
the area, dust puffing up in small clouds at their feet.
In answer, I lead her toward the revelers and before I can blink, I'm in her
arms, as she guides me in a traditional set of steps we've both know since we
were children. We haven't danced together since Diana's wedding.
Gods, I remember that as if it were yesterday. It's so obvious to me now,
looking back, just how much we were already in love with each other. Even
back then.
The music slows and so do we, but not our heartbeats. I look up at her
and for a moment I'm that tongue-tied kid at that wedding, knowing my emotions
are written all over my face. She pulls me forward, her lips brushing across my
cheek and then her breath is warm, her voice vibrating in my ear, "Reminds
me of Diana's wedding." Her lips close around my earlobe for an
instant, and if we were alone in our room at the inn, I know we'd be naked by
now. "But I didn't have the courage to do that back then."
She laughs low and I join her, resting my head on her shoulder, her cheek
pressed against me. "I was just thinking of that. Of Diana's
wedding."
"Were you now?" I nod and feel one of her hands drop down,
resting just above my backside. "Good thoughts?"
"The best." We dance on, completely oblivious to the others
around us. As the song ends, she pulls back, just enough to capture my
lips in a slow sensual kiss. My toes curl and I go back for more.
"Gabrielle." I'm floating in her arms, needing no music, and I
reluctantly look up. I realize the musicians have switched back to a
rather lively tune, the others dancing around us, shooting knowing glances at
us as they pass by.
"I don't know this dance." I look around, trying to pick up the
steps.
"Me neither." She takes my hand and we move to the edge of the
circle, watching for a bit. It becomes clear that one of the steps
requires the men to pick up their partners, swing them around, and then toss
them in the air and catch them. Some of them are throwing the women
pretty high and with each toss, giddy laughter reaches my ears. "I think
I have it now." Xena nudges me.
"Yeah?" I watch a minute longer. "I think I do,
too."
"Tossing them pretty high, huh?" I nod and she squeezes my
hand. "Trust me?"
I turn and look her full in the face, reaching across and cupping her cheek
with one hand. "Always."
Her eyes light up even brighter than before, and she leads me back to the
middle of the dancers. Then we are off, spinning and leaping, hand in
hand, joining in the merriment. I hear the bars of music that lead up to
the toss and I let go, as she takes me and swings me around in a circle, my
feet flying off the ground. I laugh and then I'm airborne, the rush of it
bringing tears to my eyes. Just as quickly she catches me and I wrap my
arms around her neck as she spins us around.
Trust? Absolutely. At this moment, in her arms, I know it's the
safest place on earth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next in the BTL series - Lucky Stars (post
"A Day in the Life")