BETWEEN THE LINES
(or what happened between the episodes)
by Texbard
For Disclaimers, see
"Looking for
Trouble"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2.1
- Warrior Prince
(post "Orphan of War")
G: "I don't know what it's like to have a son. But I do know what it's
like to have a mother. And he should know that."
X: "Don't you even think about it. This is _none_ of your business. I'll handle
it my own way."
- Orphan of
War
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't believe we've traveled together all this time and she never told
me about Solon. Not a hint. Not a clue. I think back to when we found Gabriel
in the river, before we gave him to King Gregor, and her acting like a baby was
a foreign object. I would've guessed she'd never held one. She seemed almost allergic
to them.
I guess her reaction makes sense. After all, she had Solon with her for only a few
days, I suppose, and she's carrying a lot of guilt over that. Maybe she just
shut out all thought of children in her life after that. Maybe holding Gabriel
or getting attached to him would have been too painful.
And me, I said something pretty harsh, if I recall, telling her I couldn't believe
a mother would just send her child away like that. That must've hurt her
feelings. No wonder she didn't tell me about Solon after that. She was probably
afraid I'd think she's a monster.
And I suppose I kind of did act like I think that. I want to understand, but there's
a part of me that doesn't understand. How can a woman carry a child, give
birth, and then just give it away? And without so much as a backward glance?
She hadn't been to see him for ten summers. I guess it is beyond my comprehension.
She's been awfully quiet since we left the centaurs. We're taking the long road
to Amphipolis, to visit her brother's tomb. She says it's the anniversary of his
death at the hands of Cortese's army, and she goes back every year to honor his
memory. More guilt she carries around. I wonder what became of Cortese after he
was taken for trial? Maybe Xena knows and didn't tell me about that, either.
Just like Solon. And Toris. It's like peeling her back, layer by layer, and she
won't give anything until she's cornered. I knew she lost Lyceus. But had no
idea she still had a living brother. Wonder who else she's got hidden that's going
to appear out of nowhere and turn out to be someone really important? I wonder
if she'll leave me behind someday and years later I'll show up and no one important
in her life will ever have heard of me?
Then again, maybe I'm not that important. If she doesn't mention children and brothers,
why would she mention the kid from Potadeia who kept following her around? I
thought we were closer than this. I thought we were moving toward ... oh, I
don't know. I'm so confused. Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe she's just
having fun with me, and the closeness I feel is only on my part.
Maybe she's not capable of getting close to anyone.
She's so confusing. I know she's been with women. We talked about that. I was silly
enough to think she was attracted to me in that way, but ever since I died in
the Mitoan war and we left Ephiny with the Amazons, she's been holding me at
arm's length. She even spreads her sleeping furs out on the other side of the
fire these days. I miss lying next to her and talking, and chasing star patterns.
I miss being close.
I miss her touch.
I don't know anything about these things, but I know what I feel. Before I met her,
I would have been ashamed of such feelings. But talking to her, and being around
the Amazons, it doesn't seem strange at all anymore. I am attracted to her, a
whole lot more than I was to Perdicus or any of the boys I've met in my travels
with her. It took a while, but once I figured it out, it was like "duh, Gabrielle.
You're falling for your best friend."
Is that such a bad thing?
And I was so sure she felt the same way. Not now. I know we're friends. I suspect
we always will be. But if she ever felt that way about me, you sure can't tell
it now. Maybe she kisses all her friends on the lips.
Not me. Not anymore. I'd swear she doesn't even want to be around me half the time.
Like now. We stopped a little early because we reached a riverbank and it's a
good place to make camp. She found a place in a thick grove of trees, and
caught some fish, and I cooked us an early supper. It isn't even dark yet, and
after we ate, she disappeared, and said she'd be back later. She's been doing
that a lot lately, too.
Fine. I can keep myself busy. I haven't written out the battle with Dagnine. Xena saved the day again. She may not want to
be close to me anymore, but she's still the best story fodder I've ever had.
I go to my bag and pull out my scroll and a new quill. Xena went hunting recently
and shot a pheasant. She plucked several of its quills and sharpened them for
me - just left them in my bag as a surprise. Seeing them makes me feel guilty
for being out of sorts with her now. That she cares about me isn't in doubt. I
know that. I guess I should quit feeling sorry for myself and be glad I have a
friend who is thoughtful enough to do things like that.
I gather my supplies and head down to the riverbank to search for a sunny place
to sit and write. It's pleasant out, nice breeze and not too hot, but not too cold,
either. I use my staff to pick my way through some high marshy grass and when I
part them, I spot a boulder a little ways down, with a tree next to it I can
probably use to boost myself up.
Sure enough, there are branches low enough for me to climb, and I carefully
make my ascent and with a little jump, I'm on top of the smooth, flat surface
of the sun-warmed rock. It feels good on my bare legs, as I sit down
cross-legged and scoot to the edge. As I start to open my bag, I hear a
plopping sound from the water. I look out, and see a rock fly into the current,
followed by another loud splosh.
Hmmmm.
I lay down on my belly and peek over the edge of my perch. Xena is there, sitting
tightly against the rock, down on the bank, so close that I didn't see her when
I was sitting up. I make not a sound, just watching, and then it dawns on me
that there is no way she didn't know I was up here. Her senses are too sharp
for that. On the heels of that thought, I realize she probably tossed those
rocks to let me know she's there. She wouldn't have made any noise if she didn't
want me to know.
I ponder this, wondering if this means she wants me to go away, or that she wants
some company. I take a deep breath, hoping I'm making the right decision. "Hey."
Slowly, she looks up, those sad blue eyes studying me with great intensity. "Hey." She sort of purses her lips
in and frowns, then looks back down. Oh, Xena. Those eyes were a little too
bright in a bad way. I think she's been crying.
"I bet if I'm careful, I can climb down that crack over there." I
point to a wide crevasse that starts on the side of the rock near where I'm
sitting, and goes all the way to the ground. She shrugs and nods. "Here.
Catch." I dangle my bag over the edge, and drop it down to her, followed
by my staff. She takes my things and lays them down, and then she stands, as I
crawl over to the crack and start to climb down.
Halfway down, I lose my footing, and start to fall, but quickly grab a niche to
the side and re-gain my balance, but not before I feel a strong hand grab hold of
my calf. "Careful." The hand stays there as I finish climbing down,
and a few feet before the bottom she grabs me around the waist and swings me
around and down.
"Thanks." I dust my hands off on my skirt. "Still getting me out
of jams, huh?"
"You were doing alright." She looks down, then sits back down where
she was before. "You could've done it without me, no problem."
"Well, yeah." I stake out a spot next to her, and draw up my knees,
and wrap my arms around my legs. Writing will have to wait for another
afternoon. "I mean, you showed me how to climb, Xena - how to look for the
footholds and the handholds. And to make sure I always have at least one foot
firmly planted before I move the other one to a new spot. But it was nice to
know you were there to catch me if I fell."
She doesn't say anything, and the silence between us grows. I look out at the water,
watching the slanting sunlight sparkle off the surface. Birds are singing
evening songs and the wind whispers through the trees. It should be a happy
place, but it isn't. I pick up a few pebbles and toss them into the water,
watching the current rush around another large boulder in mid-stream. I decide
she doesn't want me there and she's just being polite, and open my mouth to
tell her I'm going back to the campsite.
"It was a difficult birth."
My jaws click closed and I am all ears. "Were you alone?"
"No." She doesn't look at me, but her profile is tense and I think
she's trying to be brave on my account. I think, maybe, if she looks at me,
she'll lose it. "No," she
continues, "but no one in my army knew I was pregnant. I hid it with my
cloak and long tunics. Being tall didn't hurt, either."
"But you weren't alone? Was Borias with you?" I hear her swallow and
glance sideways, regretting it. She smiles, but it's the smile I've come to
know as the bitter, regretful smile.
"No." She shakes her head and looks up at the sky. "My
handmaiden, Satrina, was with me. She gave me some herbs and helped deliver
Solon. We were under attack. As soon as Solon was born, she got me into a wagon
and we drove away to a safe place."
"Did Borias know you were pregnant?" I brace myself, wondering if she
hid it from him as well.
"Yes." More bitterness rolls off her. "But I kept him at arm's
length. We started fighting early in my pregnancy. About all kinds of things.
He wanted to be a family, but I saw the whole thing as a liability." She
looks at me. "There was no room for
love in my life. People who love me end up dying."
I digest this, wondering how it plays into her feelings for me, but I can't bring
myself to ask. I don't want to interrupt her telling me about Solon. Finally, I say the only thing I can think of,
that might get her to thinking. "Borias
died anyway, so you might as well have loved him."
"Borias died coming back to save me," she responds, a bit too
harshly. "So loving me did get him killed."
"Xena ..."
She cuts me off, and it's obvious she won't let me go where I want to go. Resigned, I sit back to listen to her. "I
remember, hiding out in a cave, not too far from the Centaur village. I stayed
there with him for a few days. Nursed
him, found some linen strips among my things to make him some diapers. I had Satrina
leave me some food and water, and then I sent her away so I could be alone with
him to think. It was probably a stupid thing to do. I was still weak. If I'd
been found, we both could've died. The more I thought about it, the more I
realized that if any of my enemies knew about him, they would come after him or
try to hurt him to get to me. Solon didn't deserve to grow up with a mother
with a dozen bounties on her head. I had thousands of enemies and no friends.
Not a one. I couldn't even take him to my mother - he still would have been
known as my son there. Made it tough to figure out where to take him. No one
was going to love the son of the Warrior Princess."
I inch over, until our legs are touching, and cautiously put an arm around her waist.
She doesn't reciprocate, but she doesn't shrug me off. "But you knew the
Centaurs would love the son of Borias."
"It was my only choice." She picks up a rock and hurls it into the
water. "I can't regret that choice, Gabrielle. You saw what happened the
minute one of my enemies knew about him."
"They came after him and he got hurt." And suddenly, I understand, in
a way I didn't before, and I regret how harshly I spoke to her back in that
village. I give her a squeeze, and feel some of the tension drain out of her.
"Xena, I know I already said I was sorry for butting into your business,
but now I'm saying it again for a different reason, because this time, I do
understand. You did the only thing you could do."
"I can't tell him who I am." Her voice is shaking, and she swallows a
few times before she continues. "He's still a boy. I can't risk him not understanding
that knowing who I am -- it has to be kept secret, for his own good. You saw
him. He's not afraid of anything."
"I wonder where he got that from," I remark dryly.
This earns me a genuine, if sad, smile, and she leans over and wraps a hand behind
my neck, and pulls my head down to kiss it. "Thanks for
understanding," she whispers.
"You're welcome."
"Gabrielle." Her chin is resting on my head, and her voice vibrates
through me. I'm not inclined to move, so
I just listen.
"Yeah?"
"No matter what happens, if you need me, I'll always be here to catch you
if you fall." I hear her sniffle. "I just want you to know
that."
I don't say a word, but sit up, brush a tear off her cheek, and open my arms. She allows the hug and settles against me with
a long trembling sigh. "Likewise,"
I whisper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next in the BTL series - "A Time to
Kill" (post "Remember Nothing")