by Ms Mil Toro
Author's Note - This skit was created in the middle of the rift after The Deliverer, Gabrielle's Hope, and Debt I/II had been aired and before Maternal Instincts and The Bitter Suite. So just go with it!
Disclaimer - no hairpins were damaged during the making of this skit, however, Xena and Gabrielle's relationship took one step forward and two steps back.
Xena frees Callisto from the lava with a little help from Cupid (who owes her a big favour)
CALLISTO - Come on, Xena, just one kiss.
XENA - (reluctantly) Welllll......, I know she's lying, I can feel it in my bones.
CALLISTO - But does she know you lied, too?
CALLISTO (smiles evily) - Well, I can't be obvious about it. She'll know. So let's play a game of chance, shall we?
XENA - (narrowing her eyes) - Do you have the jewels for that?
CALLISTO - (laughs) Of course! We get a bunch of us together and spin a bottle. Gabrielle goes first and whoever it points to, she gets to kiss. When it points to me, I'll kiss her and find out her big secret.
XENA - (rolling her eyes) Oh for the love of Zeus. Do you *have* to kiss her? I thought a goddess can read a mortal's thoughts.
CALLISTO - Yes, but I'm not a full fledged goddess (winks at Xena). You get to kiss her, too.
XENA - Oh yeah? (beaming) Ohhhhhh yeaaaaah......
CALLISTO - How come you two have never really kissed anyway? I mean what else could you two be doing when you unconsciously reach for her in your sleep and your bedrolls are just centimetres apart?
XENA - The freakin' writers won't put it in. They say it's a kid's show. For once I'd like to kiss my woman right on the mouth, in my own body, and above water, thank you very much.
CALLISTO - A carbon-dioxide kiss just doesn't cut it for you, huh? But hey, you still get to kill guys with hairpins and stuff.
XENA - Hey! I couldn't help myself, you know how it is.
CALLISTO - (giggles) Yeah, those were the good old days. It's too easy now being a goddess and all.
Xena, Callisto, Joxer, Autolycus, Ephiny, Solari and Gabrielle sit in a circle next to Xena and Gabrielle's campfire. Gabrielle is chosen to go first.
XENA - Okay, Gabrielle, you go first.
Gabrielle spins the bottle and it points directly at Autolycus. The King of Thieves clears his throat, then smoothes out his mustache, then slicks back his hair, then adjusts his vest, then leans in to kiss Gabrielle.
XENA - Hey! You already got to kiss her!
AUTOLYCUS - Yes, but you were in my body at the time. This will be a *real* ki----
Suddenly, Autolycus slaps a hand to his neck and keels backwards out of the circle. All eyes turn to Xena as they notice a flying object come from her direction. Xena adjusts her hair carefully and innocently pretends that nothing has happened.
XENA - What's his problem? (smiles sweetly at Gabrielle) Go ahead, Gabrielle, try again.
GABRIELLE - (under her breath) I hope, I hope.....
Gabrielle spins the bottle again and it points to Ephiny. Ephiny begins to lean in to kiss Gabrielle when she hears a small object whizzing towards her. She sticks out her hand in time to catch it and notices it's a hairpin.
EPHINY - Oh wow! just what I need for my curly unkempt hair (she puts the pin in her hair and nervously looks at Xena).
XENA - Are you forfeiting your turn then?
EPHINY - Yes! GGGGo aaahead, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle spins the bottle yet again and it points at Joxer.
JOXER - (yelps) Yeeeeeeehaaa!!!!
Before he has a chance to move, he keels backward out of the circle, a hairpin stuck in his chest.
XENA - (whispers to Callisto) - can't you guide that damn bottle?!?!?!
CALLISTO (whispers back) - No! I'm only a fake imitation goddess, remember?
XENA (softly) - Gabrielle, try again, okay?
GABRIELLE - Xena, this is silly. Why don't we let somebody else try?
Xena glares at all the other participants. They all forfeit their turn.
GABRIELLE - (mutters under her breath) - Oh for the love of Hope.
Gabrielle spins again and this time it points at Xena. Everybody groans.
SOLARI, EPHINY, CALLISTO (in unison) - The censors won't be happy. The depravity of *every* village will explode.
XENA (raises an eyebrow) - They can kiss my-----
Gabrielle yanks Xena towards her and they engage in a long luscious kiss that rivals the one Xena gave Draco.
CALLISTO - (after several minutes) Okay! you two!!! Enough!!!
Xena and Gabrielle ignore her and continue their long luscious kiss that goes even further than the one Xena gave Draco. Xena grabs Gabrielle's lithe little body and her hands slide up and down the side of her abs and eventually make their way up to the new and improved (and skimpier) BGSB. She begins to untie the laces.
CALLISTO - XENA! The Plan! Remember the PLAN!!!
Very reluctantly, Xena pulls away from Gabrielle.
XENA (clears her throat) - Sorry. We've been waiting for 2 and half years for that.
GABRIELLE - Xena, it's getting late, when are we going to put our bedrolls together? (tilts her head) You know.
XENA - (smiles broadly) In a minute, sweetie. Just spin the bottle one more time, okay?
GABRIELLE (exasperated) - It's *still* my turn?!?!?!
XENA - Yes, honey. Trust me on this one.
Finally, the bottle points at Callisto and Callisto leans in to kiss Gabrielle. She gives Gabrielle an open-mouthed kiss as Xena looks on with growing jealousy. She lets fly her entire stock of hairpins and Callisto jumps away from Gabrielle, the numerous hairpins haphazardly sticking out of her head.
(to Xena) Baby? Alive!
(to Gabrielle) Green Dragon? Dead!
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