By Tara
Disclaimer: All characters in this story, Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, Autolycus, Ares,
Cupid, Aphrodite, Argo, and who ever else I have happened to use are the property of
Universal/MCA, they were only used for the enjoyment of fans. (Except for Bob the fish, I
made him up)
Violence: There is some violence in this fan fiction, but it isn't really that much gore,
it is really emphasized alot and it is really, really, really, and I mean really stupid.
-------------------
Xena and Gabrielle are walking through some strange Greek sounding village talking
about Joxer, and when he will finally leave them alone.
Gabrielle: In an angry tone Xena, I have had him crawling on his feet before me for
the last three seasons!!!
Xena: Don't worry Gabrielle, he will be gone in a year, his contract expires with
Universal/MCA in 2000.
Gabrielle: Lucy, this is ancient Greece there is no such thing as the year 2000
Xena: Oh! She realizes that Gabrielle just called her Lucy Hey and don't call me
Lucy
Gabrielle: Oh sorry Gives that 'Oh please forgive me Xena' look
Suddenly Joxer arrives. He pulls up in his new car, which looks like a limo.
Joxer: Opens electric window and he takes off his sunglasses So Gabby, ya like the
car!!
Gabrielle: No Joxer, if you are trying to impress me it isn't working.
Joxer: Mutters to himself And Aphrodite said to impress her, oh well back to the
drawing board!
Joxer gets out of his car, and a member of the crew from the set off screen gets in the
car and drives it off camera.
Xena: This is pathetic, the viewers are not supposed to see the crew!!!
Voice off screen: Sorry Lucy!!
Xena: Angry tone And don't call me Lucy!!!!!!
Gabrielle: But that's your name
Xena: Not now it isn't!
Gabrielle: Why, my name is Renee and you always call me that.
Xena: No not now cause we are on tv!!
Gabrielle: But I'm Renee and your Lucy
Xena: No, you are playing Gabrielle, and I am playing Xena, we are on a series called
Xena: Warrior Princess
Gabrielle: I'm on tv??
Xena: Duh!!
Gabrielle: Gets a bowl from off screen Hey Lucy want some grated cheese?
Xena: Ok where did you get that from, we never have grated cheese on the set?
Gabrielle: Sticks out the abs Well time for another 100 sit-ups
Xena: Okay where did you get that joke?
Gabrielle: Saw it on this web site, they call it BattleOn comics and it is based on this
tv show call....She ponders
Xena: Xena:Warrior Princess!
Gabrielle: Yeah, and I love the actress that plays Gabrielle
Xena: But that's you Renee!!
Gabrielle: It is?
Xena: Oh shut up lets go kick some butt somewhere this is boring eating grated cheese
which was grated buy your abs She shivers to herself and talking about stuff that
is suppose to exist another 2500 years from now.
Gabrielle: You know, I was in the toilet one day, and I ran out of toilet paper, and the
lady next to me wouldn't even give me a square of paper
Xena: Giving her the look of 'What the bloody hell are you on about woman!!' Okay
that has nothing to do with this show, where did you get that from?
Gabrielle: Seinfeld!
Xena: Gabrielle, we don't have tv in ancient Greece, let alone loo paper.
Gabrielle: Then what do we use?
Joxer: Our left hand
Xena: Actually Joxer we use...she ponders...actually I don't really know!!
Joxer: Well, I don't know about you, but I want to get a Hungry Jacks Flame Grilled
Whopper!!
Gabrielle: What is a flamed grilled whopper??
Joxer: Its a hamburger with alot of stuff in it
Gabrielle: Huh??? Gives the look of 'What the hell are you on about you retard??'
Xena: Forget it Gabrielle, that will be invented in the 1990's sometime.
Gabrielle: Oh, Okay!!!! She looks ecstatic
Xena: Oh this is boring!!
Gabrielle: What's the time?
Xena: I'll just check my Celine Dion watch she looks at a watch with Celine Dion on it.
It is 4:30pm and 34 seconds!!
Joxer: Wow you have a Celine Dion watch?
Xena: Yep She shows it off
Gabrielle: Hey, I have a MeatLoaf watch!!
Xena: Who cares
Gabrielle: I do
Joxer: I hate MeatLoaf.
Xena: I love it.
Joxer: What MeatLoaf that moron that sings or meatloaf?
Xena: Meatloaf, meatloaf!!
Gabrielle: Okay I heard that the first time.
Xena: Oh I need action, thirlls, spills, adventure, violence, blood and gore!!!!
Gabrielle: Don't talk like that you sound like your old warlord self!
Xena: Oh I'm so sorry Gabrielle
Gabrielle: I am too Xena
Joxer: Okay I am sorry to break up this emotional moment, but there seems to be trouble.
Suddenly a 1000 of Ares' men all come into the village and start a bloody war! and I
mean bloody but fake blood and guts fly everywhere!! Cool
Ares: Hello Xena
Xena: Ignores him Oh Hello Xena She repeats to herself in a squeaky voice arms
crossed
Ares: I will slaughter everyone in this village, etc, etc....and...there is a ringing
sound coming from Ares , he takes out his mobile phone Oh wait a second gotta take
this call
Xena: Pouts Oh I want violent action scenes!!!
There is another sound of a mobile phone ringing again, it is Gabrielle's, she takes it
out
Gabrielle: Oh its my boyfriend
Joxer: Oh!! He looks hurt
Gabrielle: Shut up Joxer I am trying to TELL him HOW much I LOVE him!!
Joxer: Awwwww!! He begins to walk away slowly
Xena: Oh I want VIOLENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW NOW NOW!!!
Ares: Still talking on the phone But mother I want to crush heads and spill blood
and brains........but...but....oh mother please......no I don't want to be spanked....no
not the spankies.....okay mummy I am coming home now!! Love you, kisses and hugs. He
puts away the phone Sorry Xena Mummy wants me to go home now.
Gabrielle: Laughing Mummy!!!
Ares: Shut up!!!
Gabrielle: Okay MUMMY!!
Ares sends a sword flying through the air and it plunges into Gabrielle's chest.
Gabrielle: Mother!!!?? She collapses
Xena rushes to her side as the fighting stops and does all that, don't leave me stuff,
and Gabrielle please be okay and are you all right, etc. etc
Xena: Oh emotional trauma, and I will not let you die Gabby, no, don't you leave me, not
now after all this time we have been together you have taught me to love again and you
showed me the light and you never deserved this!!
Gabrielle: Xena, I am fine, I have a sword sticking in my chest and there is blood
everywhere, but I am fine.
Xena: But it has plunged into you heart
Gabrielle: This is tv
Xena: Oh, she just realizes Oh yeah, there are some rules too
Gabrielle: What?
Xena: Well firstly no one can die that is a main character and for every one enemy I kill
a 1000 other ones die!
Gabrielle: Oh
Gabrielle gets up and pulls the sword from her chest
Gabrielle: Ouch!!! that hurt
Xena: Great acting!
Gabrielle: Looks around for Joxer, as she realizes he is gone Hey where's Joxer
gone?
Xena: Shrugs
Gabrielle: Starts singing to herself Oh Baby when your gone, I realize I'm
love,....
Xena: What are you doing??
Gabrielle: Well I heard this new song by Brian Adams and Mel C, it is called When Your
Gone
Xena: Oh, I like Celine Dion! She realizes what Gabrielle was singing Hey why are
you singing that song when Joxer's gone!!??
Gabrielle: Confused I don't know Horror Stricken face I think I am falling
for him!! She drops to her knees and yells into the sky
Noooooooooooooooooo!!! This is a torment, this is against human kind, against the will and
power of nature, oh mother nature what are you doing to me!!??
Xena: Oh my god Gabrielle, I have never heard you talk like that before, you sound like
one of the actors from Melrose Place, Realization Oh wait that show hasn't been
invented yet!!
Gabrielle: Oh?
Xena: I want violence NOW NOW NOW!!! Acts like a 5 year old doing a tantrum!! and she
starts to cry
Gabrielle: I want Joxer.
They both hold each other and cry in the middle of this village. Then Gabrielle
looks up as all these woman run for a clothes store nearby. Gabrielle stops one of the
running women.
Gabrielle: Hey what is going on?
Woman: There is a 50% off everything at that shop she points to a shop nearby
Gabrielle: Xena, lets go!!!
Xena: Huh???
Gabrielle: Come on Xena, I want to buy a new dress, I need a TV guide and lots of other
great stuff, it is all half price.!!. Gives that cute convincing look
Xena: Oh go on your own, I'm looking for Joxer,... Believe it or not.
Gabrielle: Fine!! She runs into the store and wrestles through the crowd or women
shopping.
Xena: Now where's Joxer??
Xena spots Joxer, he is reading a Book written by Aphrodite on '101 ways to make
Irresistible Blondes Fall For You'.
Joxer: Hmmm?? He ponders
Xena: Grabs the book Joxer, this is hopeless, just tell her you love her and say
you have to cause it says so in the script, she never checks it anyway!!!
Joxer: No!!! He pouts
Xena: Geez, why, it won't hurt you....much
Joxer: Look Gabrielle would never listen.
They both turn around to see Gabrielle emerging from the shop with two bags of
shopping.
Gabrielle: Drops the bags Hey look what I got...she pulls out a book it says 101
Ways to Act Whilst Being Held at Knife Point. Isn't it a doozy! and I go this TV Guide
and this dress, she pulls out a beautiful white dress, fit for a princess. Joxer drools
and is in a daydream imaging her in the dress, but Gabrielle pulls his nose and he snaps
out of it.
Gabrielle: Joxer, for Hades sake stop dreaming and having fantasies about me!!! She
kicks him in the nuts or what ever you want to call that part of a males anatomy..
Joxer: Squeaky voice Sorry!!
Gabrielle: So Xena, where to now??
Xena: I don't know, I want action, adventure, muscle leather clad men, hunker bad boys!!! She
gulps
Gabrielle: Xena, you have been around Minya haven't you??
Xena: Yep She squeaks in a high-pitched very girlie voice.
Gabrielle: This is very boring!!
Joxer: Yeah
Gabrielle: Wasn't talking to you She hits him in the face
Joxer: Why do you have to be so mean to me!!??
Gabrielle: It is in the script
Joxer: Oh!! He looks at Xena as he remembers that she told him earlier that Gabrielle
never checks the script, Xena shrugs her shoulders and pretends to not notice Joxer's
look.
Gabrielle: Look I am going to Mc Donald's who wants to join me??
Xena: I will, They both give Joxer 'The look'
Joxer: No I'll give this one a pass, I rather sit and eat the grass
Xena and Gabrielle give him a look as if they were saying 'You are one sad story Joxer'
Gabrielle: Okay then Joxer, if you say so, She skips into McDonalds and Xena looks at
Joxer and follows Gabrielle inside, Joxer sits down outside and starts to think again.
--------------------
Inside Gabrielle is already ready to order her meal....a woman takes her order
Woman: What would you like to order!!!?? In a really happy voice it gets on your nerves
Gabrielle: I would like a quarter pounder with cheese, a big mac with cheese, a hamburger
with cheese, a double cheese burger with cheese, a cheese burger with cheese and a big mac
quarter pounder with cheese.. Xena gives Gabrielle a look as if to say 'You are a pig'
Woman: That will be $14
Gabrielle: Totally confused What's a dollar??
Woman: Oh, this is Greece isn't it??
Gabrielle and Xena nod
Gabrielle: Well technically 'no' cause Xena is filmed in Auckland, New Zealand.
Xena: Well we have to pretend it is Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: Oh okay.
Woman: Okay then that will be 14 dinars
Gabrielle: That's very expensive back in those days
Woman: Oh sorry, I mean 7 dinars.
Xena: Oh I will just use my Visa Card!!
Gabrielle: You have a Visa Card!!!????
Xena: Yep!! She shows it off
Gabrielle: I have a Meatloaf watch Shows it off
Xena: I know, already, and it is pathetic!! She vomits
Gabrielle: Oh!!!!!
Xena: Oh shut up!!!
Gabrielle: Why don't you Xena
Xena: You know you're not that intelligent for someone whose consume shrinks by half each
season!!!
Gabrielle: Well your not so smart for someone with pathetic sideburns!!!
Xena: That was in season two!!!
Gabrielle: So??
Xena: Yeah!!
Gabrielle: Huh?!
Xena: Where was I??
Gabrielle: Well, we were talking about what will happen in Melrose this week!!
Xena: Was I??
Gabrielle: Yeah!!
Xena: I hate that show!
Gabrielle: Me too!!! Says enthusiastically
Xena: What has this got to do with this???
Gabrielle: I honestly have no idea what so ever
-------------------
Meanwhile outside Joxer's brain is about to explode because it has been working over
time. Suddenly Aphrodite appears and she is arguing with Cupid.
Aphrodite: I'm telling you, Mufasa was killed by Scar in the end of the Lion King
Cupid: No he wasn't all these elephants ran over him earlier
Aphrodite: Then why did we see Mufasa in the end of the film then??
Cupid: That was Simba!!
Aphrodite: Who's Simba??
Cupid: How am I suppose to know
Aphrodite: You saw the movie
Cupid: Mother just quit bugging me about this stupid movie He throws down his bow and
he disappears, Aphrodite follows him. Joxer notices the bow and picks it up.
Joxer: Hmmmmmm???!! A light bulb hovers above his head
-------------------
Back at Mc Donald's Xena and Gabrielle are eating their burgers.
Gabrielle: Yummy, this taste just great, She bites on a pickle, and pulls it out Yuckies!!!
I hate pickles, get it away, get it away!!!!!!!!!!
Xena: Don't give it to me, I hate them to
Gabrielle: Oh sorry Lucy
Xena: My name is Xena
Gabrielle: No it isn't!!!
Xena: We sorted this out earlier in this fan fiction so now shut you god damn
mouth!!!!!!!!!!! She goes pyhsco!!
Gabrielle: Aren't we in a bad mood!!!!??
Xena: Yes, I can't take it anymore, I have to kill something!!!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle: Xena calm down
Xena: I want violence NOW NOW NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! She throws a tantrum
Gabrielle: Come of Lucy stop it
Xena: MY NAME IS NOT LUCY!!!!!!!!! FOR HADES SAKE IT'S XENA, YOU DIE AND GO TO HELL
GABRIELLE!!!!!!!
Gabrielle: Geez I have never seen this side of your personality before, you're so violent
and easily angered!!.......I like it
Xena: Me too!!!
Joxer enters with the bow and aims it at Gabrielle, he fires it and it hits Gabrielle,
he runs into her line of vision, but he misses it barely and she sees a fish.
Gabrielle: She picks up the fish Oh, you have to be the most attractive looking
fish I have ever seen in my life. She kisses it on the lips
Joxer: Oh brother!! He shivers
Xena: Joxer, what have you done to her???!!! She grabs him
Joxer: Well, I found this he shows her the bow and I wanted her to fall for me.
Xena: Okay, next time please get in her line of vision first she has fallen for
trout!!!!!!!
Joxer: Fine, now what do we do??
Gabrielle: Oh trout you are MY trout!!! I give myself to you!!
Xena: She grabs the fish from Gabrielle Okay Gabrielle, go swim in the lake NOW!!!
Gabrielle: No, Xena don't part us, I love that fish!!!
Xena: It is just a FISH!!!
Gabrielle: No, it isn't just a fish, it is my true love, my trout, my romantic soul mate,
the one I will share my life with, the one I will give myself to, his name is Bob!!
Xena: What??
Gabrielle: Bob!!!
Xena: Okay, give me Bob!!
Gabrielle: Nooooooooooo!!! The two pull at the fish
Joxer: Okay drop the fist, nice and slow!!
Gabrielle: No, Bob lets flee!!!!!!!
Gabrielle jumps out the window and in the process she cracks her skull on the concrete
outside and cuts herself several times, wounding her severely. Gabrielle wakes up
and everyone is looking at her.
Xena: Hey you okay??
Gabrielle: Humming sound
Joxer: You all right Gabrielle, you had us worried??
Gabrielle: Humming sound
Xena: Gabrielle??!! Hello!! She waves her hand in front of Gabrielle's eyes. Gabrielle!!
Joxer: What's wrong??
Xena: I think she thinks she is a humming bird by the way she is humming like that.
Gabrielle does a humming sound.
Xena: Hey Gabrielle, hello!!!
Gabrielle: Gets up and hums around waving her arms
Xena: Okay, Gabrielle stay still!!
Gabrielle: Continues to hum
Xena: Okay, fine I will have to beat the living crap out of you
Gabrielle: Continues to hum
Xena: I won't pull every hair from your head!!
Gabrielle: Continues to hum
Xena: I have a Celine Dion watch!!
Gabrielle: You have what!!??
Joxer: That worked!!!
Gabrielle: I hate your Celine Dion watch!!! kill it NOW!!!! Gabrielle bashes Xena's
hand repeatedly.
Xena: Gabrielle!!!!! Stop it!!
Gabrielle: No, she must die NOW!!!
Xena: No you don't!!! Xena grabs Gabrielle's neck and smashes her head into the ground
several times. Gabrielle is out cold.
Joxer: I don't think you had to do that Xena!!
Xena: I know you have a soft spot but now you have to agree with me...
Joxer: On what??
Xena: That Celine Dion is better than Meatloaf!
Gabrielle: Mumbles No she sucks!!!
Xena: Smashes Gabrielle's head in
Joxer: I think you should stop doing that. Repeated blows to the head could cause brain
damage.
Xena: I'd say she already has
Gabrielle wakes up again.
Joxer: I would suggest that you should take off the watch....NOW!!
Xena takes her watch off and hides it in her scabbard.
Gabrielle: Must kill Celine Dion.
Joxer: Uh, Gabby the watch is gone now.
Gabrielle: It is!!?
Xena: Yep I have come to realize that Celine Dion sucks big time
Gabrielle: Praise Zeus, thank you for helping Xena into the light.
Xena: Huh??
Gabrielle: Never mind!!
Gabrielle gets up and brushes the dirt off her.
Gabrielle: Okay lets get going, I will go get some supplies and I'll meet you both back
here later..
Xena & Joxer: Okay.
----------------
A little while later Gabrielle, returns with a rubber tire, a magazine, a Xena
action figure, a feather boa, and a hat saying 'Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful!!' Joxer
and Xena are both surprised.
Xena: You call this supplies!!??
Gabrielle: Yes, I need these things.
Xena: Okay, well I suppose they will have to do...She looks around Now where's
Argo.
Gabrielle: Oh!! She gets out two coconuts , with Argo written on them she bangs them
together. Oh here she comes!!
Xena: Gabrielle put all of that down....She grabs the magazine except this cause it
is important
Gabrielle: Why??
Xena: It has the weekly starsigns in it!
Gabrielle: Oh yeah!!!
Xena: Well come on!!
--------------------
Gabrielle follows Xena, she bangs the coconuts together, Joxer follows. Xena reads
the magazine.
Xena: What's your starsign Gabrielle??
Gabrielle: Aquarius
Xena: Is it really??
Gabrielle: Yep!! So what does it say??
Xena: It says 'You will die!! and you will fall in love with Joxer'
Gabrielle: A huh!!?? She is totally confused.
Xena: So what's your starsign Joxer??
Joxer: Sagittarius
Xena: Okay yours says 'You will hide underneath the rock you came from'
Joxer: What!!!??
Xena & Gabrielle: Laugh
Joxer: I don't understand!!
Gabrielle: Don't worry, its funny.
Joxer begins to laugh too, Xena and Gabrielle give him a look as if saying 'You are one
retard Joxer, don't even know that that was an insult!!'
Gabrielle: Hey look!! She points a a hot dog stand nearby Come on Argo She bangs
to coconuts together.
Xena: Yum!!! She notices Autolycus is selling them This is yummy!!
Joxer: Wait up!! He runs after them both.
Gabrielle: Autolycus, two chili dogs please!!
Xena: Hello Autolycus!! She is in a day dream
Autolycus: Are you okay Xena??
Xena: Yeah She melts (Don't take literally)
Autolycus notices Joxer approaching.
Autolycus: Oh sorry hot dog stand is closing!! He packs up the stall in a second, and
puts it in his suitcase.
Joxer: Hey!!
Autolycus: Sorry I don't sell hot dogs to retards like you!!
Gabrielle: Thank you Zeus someone actually agrees with me!! Joxer is a retard!!
Autolycus: Well I have never liked him!
Xena: So, Autolycus why are you going so soon??
Autolycus: Xena, I must venture across the Earth looking for people that need a chili dog,
people in need of a hot dog, people who need....
Xena: I get the point!!!
Autolycus: Okay, well seeya!!! He opens the suitcase gets into it and it disappears.
Xena & Gabrielle: What a man!!!
Joxer: He's nothing more than I am
Xena: Are you kidding he actually looks like a male!!
Joxer: I don't look like a girl!!!
Gabrielle: Joxer, you are wearing a dress!!
Joxer looks at himself to see he is wearing a dress.
Joxer: Ahhhhhhhhh!!! He rips it off. Who put it on me!!!??
Xena: I did!
Joxer: You??
Xena: What did you expect Gabby???
Joxer: Yeah!!!!
Xena: Forget it Joxer, she wouldn't even try to get within 30 ft of you.
Joxer: Oh!!
--------------------
A little while later up the road....
Gabrielle: (singing) From this moment...as long as I live I will love you, and I
promise you this, there is nothing I wouldn't give from this moment...I will love you, as
long as I live, from this moment on.....
Xena: What's that song??
Gabrielle: From this Moment on!!
Xena: Okay, why sing that song??
Gabrielle: I don't know Lucy
Xena: My name is not Lucy!!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle: It is though, I am Renee you are Lucy...Geez!
Xena: You play a character named Gabrielle, I play Xena, on a tv show.
Gabrielle: I'm on tv????
Xena: Duh for the hundredth time!!
Joxer: Uh you guys we have trouble!!
They all look up into the sky to see some clouds closing in, thunder storms, lightning,
then a huge face appears in the clouds..
God: I am God!!
Gabrielle: Which one??
God: God, god!!
Xena: We heard you the first time!!!
God: I am God
Joxer: Yes, we know which god??
God: God, god
Xena: We heard you the first time.
God: The holy one, christ is my son, father of Jesus, GOD!!
Gabrielle: I am sorry, but we have never heard of you GOD
God: Don't you read the bible!!!??
They all shake their heads in unison.
God: Anyway, I have come to ask......how will happen on Bold and the Beautiful this
week??.
Gabrielle: I am not sure, haven't been on the net lately..
God: Oh??
Joxer: It will be something melodramatic, or something like that!!
God: So you don't know??
Xena: No we don't.
God: Then you will be damned to hell
Gabrielle: What's hell?
God: Oh sorry, Hades!!!!
Joxer: Oh that sounds bad..
Gabrielle: What do we do now Lucy??
Xena: Don't CALL ME LUCY!!!! the names Xena.
Gabrielle: Sorry!!
Joxer: So what do we do about GOD!!??
Xena: I dunno!!!
Joxer: Well that's just perfect!!
Gabrielle: Yes,.... yes it is Joxer
Xena: Uh, GOD do you like Meatloaf??
God: No!!! If I saw a picture or product with that name on it I would die!
Xena grabs Gabrielle's Meatloaf watch and waves it about in front of Gods face...
God: Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
He melts into a giant puddle...everyone is happy except for Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: You make me sick!!
Xena: Why??
Gabrielle: You used my Meatloaf watch against god for Hades sake!!!
Joxer: Yeah, but at least it worked, we would have been in Hades by now, if Xena hadn't of
done what she did. According to myself, I think she was very intelligent.
Gabrielle: Oh my god Joxer, you are talking like you have more brains than a rock
Joxer: Why thankyou He realizes that that was an insult. That's it, I've had it up
to here!! He puts his hand at waste height. I'm going!!! He stomps off.
Gabrielle: He has really lost it!!
Xena: Totally!!
--------------------
At Aphrodite's temple somewhere, Cupid has finally resolved the ending of the Lion
King, by renting the tape and showing it to his mother. Joxer, walks in on them.
Joxer: Realizes that they were watching the Lion King Oh, can I watch too!!??
Cupid & Aphrodite: No!!! Both deeply intrigued in the movie.
Aphrodite: There goes Mufasa, he's falling into the stampede, of buffalo, not elephants
like you said Cupid, geez you are so stupid you take after your father!!!!!!!!
Cupid: Who is my father??
Aphrodite: Oh, I don't know.
Cupid: You do know mother, now tell me!!!!!
Aphrodite: Okay, David Hasselhoff!!
Cupid: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joxer: Uh, Cupid, here's your bow!! He hands him the his bow he found earlier.
Cupid: Oh thanks!! He recognizes Joxer. Hey, has blonde fallen for you yet??
Joxer: Well no...
Aphrodite: Hey sweat cheeks!! what would you say if I made her fall into a deep sleep and
you have to kiss her, to make her awaken, also making her fall for you. Then you have to
complete the spell by getting a fish, making her kiss it, then do the most interment thing
you would do to her, if you know what I mean, then you have to race around the
world.....or I could just make her fall for you, by turning her to marshmallow and you
have to kiss her to make her flesh again and to make her love you and..........yeah!!
Joxer: I think I have to stick with option number two.
Aphrodite: Okay, option two it is.
----------------
Back in the forest, Xena and Gabrielle are walking along talking about post its.
Xena: You know those little yellow things that stick two pieces of paper together??
Gabrielle: Oh, post its.
Xena: Yeah, I invented them.
Gabrielle: Really, I always thought, Romy from Romy and Michelle's High school Reunion
invented them. She said she did.
Xena: No, I will in a 2500 more years from now.
Gabrielle: How do you know
Xena: I just know.
Gabrielle: Feels stiff and can't move. Xena, my legs are turning to marshmellow,
and I can't move. Help!!! She squeals the word help just before the marshmellow engulfs
her whole body.
Xena: Gabrielle!!!! She can't save her friend from the marshmellow. Then she thinks on
which god would do such a thing.
Xena: Ares.....No, he wouldn't turn her to marshmellow.
Dahak.....No, he wouldn't do that, to goodie goodie
Hades......No, he's a pissy as a pussy cat
Artemis....No, Gabrielle is an Amazon queen which makes Artemis like her
Zeus......No, he is to busy making sweet love to all the other goddess`
Hera......No, too busy trying to make Herc's life a torment
Pan...No, never met him
Poseidon......No, he hates me.
Aphrodite......Bingo, Joxer's been around, the stupid little retard has probably gone and
asked for her help to make Gabrielle fall for him. Yes, that sounds about right!!
Joxer runs towards the statue and is about to plant his lips on Gabrielle's marshmellow
lips.
Xena: Notices him What are you doing...may I ask?
Joxer: I have to kiss her so she may break out of the spell.
Xena: Okay!!
Joxer, gives Gabrielle the marshmellow bard a long and passionate kiss, Gabrielle
starts to turn to flesh again, and she returns the kiss, even more passionately than
before.
Joxer: You all right Gabrielle??
Gabrielle: Yes, Joxer!!!! She is all over Joxer
Xena: Okay something is definitely wrong here....
Gabrielle: Yeah, you are here, go away, we have to be alone. She says 'alone' in a deep
voice.
Xena: No, you actually like Joxer.
Joxer: I don't mind that
Xena: Cause you don't mind, you're not the one who will end up being kissed by a stupid
little retard
Joxer: I'm not a retard.
Gabrielle: Come on Joxer...she pulls him towards her.
Xena: Breaks them apart. Gabrielle, go for a swim in the lake, NOW!!
Gabrielle: No Xena!!
Xena: What's wrong with you Gabrielle, are you sick??
Gabrielle: No, my hormones are raging!!
Xena: Fine lets set up camp, I need to think.
-----------------
A little while later, they are all sitting around the camp fire, Joxer and Gabrielle
are sitting together, Gabrielle in his lap, and Xena is about to be sick.
Xena: Lets play Monopoly!!!
Gabrielle: Okay, I'll go set up the board. Gabrielle gets out the board and I am not
going to describe the game much cause I'll be here all day.
Xena: I want to be the car!!
Joxer: No I want to be the car!!
Xena: Fine, I'll be that boat that looks like Titanic.
Gabrielle: That's a battleship Xena.
Xena: Oh, Okay!!!!!!
Gabrielle: I'll be banker! and I'll be the hat.
Xena: Okay, I'll roll first.
She lands on, 'Chance' She picks up a card.
Xena: It says, 'Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Damn!!!
Gabrielle: My turn.
Lands on Pay tax square, just after the 'GO'
Gabrielle: Awwwwww!!!!!
Joxer: My turn.........I have landed on....Community Chest, and it says, You win a beauty
contest....collect $50.
Xena laughs, Gabrielle looks at her angrily.
Xena: Gabrielle, that was an insult to Joxer, laugh, its f-u-n-n-y!!
Gabrielle: No, it isn't!!! Poor Joxer Pats his head like a dog.
Xena: Oh that's it, I'm going to sleep.. Don't you even think about trying anything.
Gabrielle: We won't make to much noise.
Xena: Gabrielle!!!!
Gabrielle: We were only going to do it for 15 minutes.
Xena: Gabby!!!
Gabrielle: Xena, we were going to play Monopoly for another 15 minutes, what did you think
we were on about??
Xena: Oh nothing,
Joxer: Hey lets play Twister!!
Gabrielle: Okay!!!
Xena lays in her bedroll watching the two of them get out Twister from Gabrielle's
bag...
Gabrielle: Right foot green!!
Joxer: Okay that's simple enough!
Gabrielle: Xena can you spin for us.....??
Xena snores in reply..
Gabrielle: Fine then!! I'll spin......left hand red.
Joxer and Gabrielle tangle up and fall in a heap. Xena watches and gags..
Xena: This is sick.
Gabrielle: Playing this very highly popular game?
Xena: No, watching you to play Twister together and actually enjoying it.
Joxer: You're just jealous!
Xena: Of what??
Joxer: Of us playing Twister together!!
Xena: No, Joxer you just don't get it do you
Joxer: Get what??
Xena: Don't worry, I'll tell you when you grow up!! Xena lays back down and snores.
Gabrielle: Okay Joxer!! Lets play strip poker. Xena shivers at the thought.
---------------------------
Xena wakes up the next morning to find Joxer and Gabrielle are snuggled together,
not naked thank the gods, Xena gets up and looks at Joxer and Gabrielle and pukes.
Gabrielle: Wakes up What's wrong?
Xena: I just think that this is sick.
Gabrielle: Oh the fact that K-mart is having a red light sale on all steroids??
Xena: No the fact that you and Joxer are so....close...and boy do I mean close
Gabrielle: Xena get this through your head, I love Joxer.
Xena: No you don't Joxer just got Aphrodite to cast a stupid spell on you.
Joxer: Bull!!!
Gabrielle: That's Minotaur Joxer!!
Joxer: Sorry.
Xena: Forget it, I have to now roam Greece, to find mighty Aphrodite and buy a new dog.
Gabrielle: What's with the new dog part??
Xena: Well, I'm gonna need new company aren't I seeing you are so indulged in Joxer!!!
Gabrielle: You're jealous!!
Xena: Of what??
Gabrielle: Me and Joxer.
Xena: Don't make me laugh!!!
Joxer: You're not laughing though!
Xena: It's slang Joxer, get that through that head of yours!!!
Suddenly 1000 of Caesars men appear out of nowhere and decide to kill everyone.
Caesar: So Xena, we meet again!!
Xena: Mimics him. So Xena, we meet again!!
Caesar: I heard that!!!
Xena: Sorry!
Caesar: You go out to dinner with me, or die.
Xena: Oh where are you going!!??
Caesar: KFC!!!
Xena: Sorry don't like it!
Caesar: Oh you have to!
Xena: Nope sorry can't leave Joxer and Gabrielle alone for more than ten seconds. She
turns around to see Joxer and Gabrielle kissing again!! See what I mean!?
Caesar: Who cares' about Gabrielle. What harm can it make if she and what ever that thing
she is with do?
Xena: Cause if she does something she may have his baby popping out of her!!!
Caesar: You've got a point, that could really hurt her forever bearing that things child.
Well I still want to kill you sorry!!
Xena: Look, Xena!! Points away from her.
Caesar: Where??!!
Whilst Caesar is looking for Xena who just so happens to be standing right beside him,
Xena grabs Joxer and Gabrielle who are kissing still, and they run away to leave Caesar
searching for Xena, who just conned him into looking for her....got it!!? Obviously not.
Anyway, our heroes stop running when they get to Aphrodite's temple. What a coincidence!!
Xena: Okay Joxer enough games, we take Gabrielle inside and get Aphrodite to take of the
spell.
Joxer: Oh do we have to??
Xena: Yes, you two making out makes my skin crawl....its just not natural.
Joxer: Like you and Gabrielle are.....
Xena: Shut up. She grabs Gabrielle and Joxer and drags them inside. In the temple,
Aphrodite is eating cookie dough whilst watching Rubbernecking.
Aphrodite: Who ever the blonde is that's playing the main character.....she is just the
best actress.
Gabrielle: That's me..
Aphrodite: Naaaaa you look nothing like her. Realizes Gabrielle is there with Xena and
Joxer Hey what are you doing here sweetcheeks aren't you suppose to be married by
now??
Joxer: Haven't gotten to that stage yet.
Xena: Actually I have come to ask if you could take this love spell off Gabrielle??
Aphrodite: All Joxer has to do is get her to tell the truth.
Xena: About what!!??
Aphrodite: She just has to reveal the truth she hides inside.
Xena: More information!!!!
Aphrodite: Just told you what to do, now I have to eat my cookie dough!!
While Xena and Aphrodite are arguing Gabrielle and Joxer share a special moment again.
Gabrielle: Joxer?
Joxer: Yes Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: I need to tell you something.....when I see your face, and your eyes...I fall
in love. I love the way you smile, and well what I'm trying to tell you is, I love you
Joxer..
Gabrielle goes wildly off balance then shakes her head clear. She looks at Joxer.
Joxer: You all right sweetheart?
Gabrielle: Yeah! She realizes he just called her 'sweetheart' Hey don't call me
sweetheart!!! She pulls his nose off.
Xena: Hey your back Gabrielle!!! Thank the gods...As Xena jumps around her Celine Dion
watch falls out of her scabbard.
Gabrielle: Kill it!!!! She stomps on the watch. I hate Celine Dion!!!
Joxer: Looks at camera and speaks to it. Well nothing left to do now except to say
this is the end of this tale....and this episode was brought to you by.....
-----------------
Caesar is still looking for Xena...it is nightfall.
Caesar: Xena!!!!! I can't find you. Xena....this isn't funny stop hiding. Xena???!!! Hello
anybody. Rats....she must have left.
THE END