Disclaimers: The characters of Xena: Warrior Princess and all other associated with the television series of the same name are owned by MCA/ Universal Pictures. This is a work of fan fiction and no copyright infringement is intended.
Subtext: I guess with my writing so far we'll just quit calling it subtext and call it maintext. Yes they are in love with each other.
Sex: Nothing graphic.
Violence: Only if a certain warrior doesnt pay better attention to her horse.
Language: Argos got an attitude, and the mouth, er thoughts, to go with it.
Other: Okay I had been up 21 hours straight when I got the idea for this little gem.
The Sense the Gods Gave a Horse
You stand here next to me running that brush over the same spot time and time again. I look back, oh Gods youre thinking about her again. Ill be rubbed raw if I dont do something. So I shift my rear legs, just a little. Okay thats good Princess, oh yeah right there. Thats good thats really good, ah happy, happy horse. No no wait a minute. Oh no not back to that spot again. Shifting the front legs wont do any good. Okay princess you asked for it. Thwack!
"Hey Argo watch the tail will ya. Im standing back here you know."
Yeah I know, havent you seen that bald spot youve started back there? Would just move your damned hand just a little to the left please. I look back again. Boy do you have it bad or what? I look over at the camp. Yeah, yeah shes cute but not at the cost of my coat. Do you mind? Shifting those back legs again.
"Argo hold still." She pushes back against my hindquarters. Well at least I got her to move her hand.
Oh yeah thats good. Thatll do. A new and exciting adventure in how to groom your horse without drawing blood, yours or mine. I look over at her again. Well at least the color of her coat is good too. You got that right this time. Do you remember that mean spirited brunette you dated? I didnt like her at all. At least this one gives me apples and sweet oats. All in all shes not too bad for a human. She does tend to talk a lot though. Hey, hey youre headed for that spot again. Stop right there. Thwack!
"Argo Im warning you watch the tail. Ill braid it if you dont behave."
Yeah and then Ill beat you senseless with it. Go ahead. Thats it move around to the other side lots of coat to be brushed there. Oh yeah right there, right there where the saddle rubs. Yeah Im getting a callous. You know some salve right there would be nice. I dont believe this. Youre turning me around so you can look at her. You know I think youve lost it. Why dont you go over there and tell her how you feel? Oh I forgot. Shell leave you. Yeah riiight. She wouldnt leave you if you grew a third arm. Hey a third arm might not be a bad thing. Maybe a third arm could reach some of the spots that your other two seem to have forgotten about. Hey, hey, you see those muscles up there on my back twitching? Its an invitation. You know just like the one she gives you every time she takes her clothes off to go take a bath or to go swimming. Didnt think I noticed did you? Yeah I noticed and so have you. You havent noticed the muscles in my back though. Youre hopeless.
"Argo what has gotten into you tonight? Hold still and watch the hooves, you all most got my foot."
Argo, watch the tail. Argo, watch the hooves. Argo, watch the bard. No, wait a moment isnt that your job? Seems to be your favorite past time. I remember a time when brushing your horse was your favorite past time. Thwack!
That was just for good measure. You know what you need Princess. You need to get laid. If you go over there and ask her real nice shell help you out with that. Maybe if I go over there and ask her real nice shell help you out with that. Then maybe tomorrow night Ill get a decent grooming, cause I gotta tell you, youve been doing a half ass job of it these past few moons.
"You know girl I just dont know what to do?"
You dont say? Well I know what you need to do. You need to go over there, take her in your arms and kiss her until you both pass out.
"I love her so much."
No kidding. Now tell me something every one in Greece doesnt know. So go tell her. Its not that hard.
"Its just so hard."
Oh horse shit. Youre just making excuses. Youve done things a lot harder than that. You just need to go over there and say Gabrielle I love you. Shell jump you so fast your armor will melt.
"I dont want to scare her off."
Scare her off? Scare her off? Not likely, if shes stuck by you this long shes not going anywhere. You didnt have to listen to her all the furkin way up Mount Nessus and all the furkin way back down and then all the way to the Amazons. By the way, tell Auto to put on a little weight, hes got a bony butt and Gabrielle says his mustache tickles.
"I never should have kissed her."
Sure you should have and you should do it again too. You should do it lots and lots. Then maybe youd brush something besides my backside. You have an ass fetish you know that. Touching mine, watching hers. Hey I look like Im getting mange back there. Lets move on to the next spot you can brush all the fur out of. You know if you keep this up, first guy who comes a long and offers me an apple has got himself a new horse. You can carry all your own crap from one side of Greece to the other.
"Well girl. Im going to call it a night."
Oh sure half finish the horse. Then go over there sit down next to her, stare at her all night long never saying anything to her. Well not tonight Princess and not ever again if I have anything to say in the matter. Yeah thats right Im following you. Stop looking at me like Im crazy. Im the only sane one here.
Excuse me? Do I look like a dog? Hmm nope real short fur, long tail, big bushy mane on my neck, which hasnt been combed in weeks. Great big long face with a broad nose. Hooves, one, two, three, four hooves yup theyre all still there. Nope I dont see anything but horseflesh here. See how she stands to greet you when you get back. Look at the smile on her face for Gods sake.
"Xena whats with Argo?"
"I dont know. Shes been acting strangely all night. If I didnt know better Id say shes upset about something."
You got that right. Now get just a little closer to her. Thats it. You like being that close to her dontcha. Well try this on for size. Nudge. Bulls-eye. Right in to little bard arms. Thats it. Look into those eyes. She what she sees. There you go. Oh no you dont. Nudge. Stop looking at me and kiss her already or do you want me to do that for you too. Yes there you go Princess. Now that wasnt that hard was it? Now it seems like you have every thing in hand here. Im gonna go over and check out that clover I saw earlier.
The moon at least lets me see the clover. Ah its got a little dew on it. It might not be such a bad night after all. How you guys doing over there? Oh youve got everything under control. See I told you shed help you out with that. Now maybe Ill get a good brushing tomorrow.
"Oh Xena oh yes a little to the left ohhh yes thats it "
Oh sure for her youll move a little to the left.
"Remind me when we get into town tomorrow to get Argo a bag of sweet oats."
Oh yes! Score one for the horse. Sweet oats yum. Shes really not bad, for a human.
"Yeah and a whole basket of apples."
You just remember how to use the brush and leave the treats to the bard.
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