ASK SOLARI
by Mary E. Terrell
METBard@aol.com
The character Solari and the others hinted at in this are the property of MCA/Universal and Reniassance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended. This is a parody advice column and only meant in fun. Also this was written in the summer before the third season got underway.
Athenian Times has just signed the Amazon Solari as their new advice columnist. She's here to give advice not only to Amazons, but non-Amazons as well.
Dear Solari:
For a while I was the only mythical hero roaming around Ancient New Zea...er Greece. Anyway the gods decide to introduce this female warrior who wanted to kill me. When she didn't succeed, I managed to get her to change her ways. Now she has her own show and she's kicking my butt in the ratings. Her arch nemisis, a shrieking blonde dropped by and that helped me some. Also there have been a bunch of hero wanna-be's pop-up all over the place. I've asked the gods to put the dork into more of their episodes, and they agreed. But what else can I do?
Demi God.
Dear Demi God:
My my. Have we been hit with the same spell that Hera put on your nephew, Cupid? First of all, the solution isn't for you to run off and pretend to be another mythical hero in a movie, but you will find that out soon enough. Second, make sure you get that shrieking blonde to visit you again. Third, have your sidekick featured a little more. He is a hoot. Fourth, make sure you have that king of thieves drop by a little more too. Fifth, ask your father to give you a little more personality. Why should your brother Ares, and your sister Aphrodite have more just because they are full gods?
Solari
Dear Solari:
My best friend and I have a problem. For some reason the gods are playing games with us. One week we get to gaze into each others eyes a lot (something we love to do) and then the next they have us falling all over some loser. Lately we've been hearing that one of us is supposed to have a baby soon. Can you find some way to get the gods to leave us alone?
Troubled Twosome
Dear Twosome:
The Amazons are all for you two getting together (even if that means we lose a shot at you) because you are perfect for each other. Wish we could help with the interference, but other than having our best archers follow you around and eliminating those losers, I don't know what can be done. As for the baby, let's just hope that's a rumor.
Solari
Dear Solari:
I'm a mighty warrior, trying to help people in the known world. But when I try to help, I end up messing things up. Also I can't seem to get women interested in me. One time, I thought this warrior woman was interested in me, but it turned out to be one of her look-a-likes. Then her friend fell for me and I for her. As it turns out, she was under the spell of one of Cupid's arrows. Why can't I get anyone to like me?
Mighty Warrior
Dear Mighty:
First of all give up on trying to pair off with either of those two women you discribed. Second, you're trying too hard. Third, you are too full of yourself.
Solari