General Disclaimers: Yeah, this pointless story was written in response to a challenge and yeah, it just may end my short-lived career as a bard but hey, it was fun while it lasted. Oh, and I do not own the characters; you know who does so must I really repeat that? I just borrowed them and I’m certainly not gonna make any money on this one folks.

Subtext: Oh yes, beware.

Oh and by the way, the names have not been changed in this story to protect the pure and the innocent. So if you want to blame anyone for this nonsense please let it be a certain unnamed (at least in the disclaimer) Xenaverse bard, whose initial is ‘L’, and who is the true mastermind behind ‘The Challenge’ that caused all this. What we bards won’t do for inspiration…<g>

"Go ahead Xena," the bard urged and gently prodded the warrior in the ribs again.

Xena turned and glared at her companion before reluctantly stepping up onto the platform. Once situated in its center, she looked out over the room and studied each face in turn. What she saw rather surprised her. There were folk of all ages, genders, and occupations present. Why she even recognized one of the faces as that of an ex-warlord whom many moons ago she had defeated in battle. They sneered at each other viciously before she felt the bard’s finger against her ribs again and anxiously swatted the intruding appendage away. "All right, all right Gabrielle. Would you PLEASE stop that."

The bard grinned wryly, arched her eyebrow, and waved her hand toward the waiting crowd.

Xena smirked, took a deep breath, then sighed loudly. "Hell…" Her voice broke and squeaked as she tried to force the dreaded words past her lips. Glancing hesitantly over at the bard she quickly cleared her throat and began again. "Hello, my name is Xena…"

A collective gasp arose from the crowd followed by some mutterings of amazement. The bard grinned broadly.

"…And, I have a fetish," Xena continued unfazed.

"OOOOOH, AHHHHH!" the crowd moaned in unison.

Suddenly a woman in the front row jumped out of her seat, rushed up to the podium, and abruptly reached for Xena’s hand. The warrior, of course ever wary of strangers making rapid gestures in her direction, abruptly lurched backward with hands in strike mode and accidentally knocked the bard ass over off the stoop and onto her butt with a loud ‘thud!’. After the initial murmuring buzz including comments like ‘vicious’ and ‘bloodthirsty’ had erupted from the crowd and eventually died away, Gabrielle quickly leapt to her feet, dusted herself off, and forced a somewhat weary smile to her lips. "Xena, I’m here for you…remember?"

The warrior cast the bard her most apologetic look as she slowly turned back toward the crowd. Again the woman from the front row approached but this time she did so very slowly, cautiously extending her hand toward the warrior’s so as not to frighten the obviously wretched and confused creature again. When Xena did not balk she smiled reassuringly and spoke softly. "Xena, my name is Lariel." Then without warning, she suddenly grasped the warrior’s hand with vigor and turned toward the crowd. "Fellow sufferers! Please welcome our newest friend."

"HELLO XENA! PLEASE SHARE WITH US YOUR FETISH AND BEGIN TO FREE YOURSELF OF ITS AWFUL BURDEN!" the crowd seemed to sing as one unified voice.

Xena shuddered at the thought of baring her soul to a room full of strangers. She looked to the right and quickly spied the open, unguarded door, the wheels starting to turn in her mind. ‘Hmm, roughly twenty paces. I could…’

Gabrielle cleared her throat loudly and jolted the warrior from her scheming right back into the reality of her situation. Abruptly shaking her hand from Lariel’s grip Xena glared the woman back into her seat in the front row then did her best to steel herself for the nightmare she’d somehow found herself in, all because of a simple loss of control. ‘That’s all it was, a simple and fleeting loss of control. Yeah…that’s it.’ Closing her eyes and taking several deep breaths she began her horrific tale.

"It was a bright and sunny day in the marketplace. The birds were chirping cheerily and all was right with the world…"

"Oh look, Xena. Don’t these look great," Gabrielle said excitedly.

I followed the sound of Gabrielle’s voice to a long table loaded with a varying assortment of vegetables, fruits, and nuts. Gabrielle was busy squeezing a ripe melon when my eyes fell upon a pair of the most luscious, firmest, tastiest looking…

"OOOOOOOH!" the crowd exclaimed, temporarily interrupting Xena’s train of thought.

"HEY! Can I finish here!?" she said indignantly while casting the lot of them one of her most sinister sneers. A hush immediately fell over the room again, Lariel cringed and slid down into her seat a little further, and Xena readied herself once more to continue. "All right, now as I was saying…"

Gabrielle was squeezing that melon when I spied the most luscious, firmest, tastiest looking TURNIPS I’d ever seen. My mouth started to water and before I knew it there was one in each of my hands and I was rolling them around in my palms, squeezing them gently, relishing their texture and firmness against my flesh. Mmmm, I closed my eyes and brought one to my lips. Snaking my tongue out of my mouth ever so slowly, I traced it along the skin of the firm globe and around the little nub at the end, savoring the subtle, delicate, yet very distinctive flavor…

A loud thud near the front of the room interrupted Xena once again. She sighed and looked down to find Lariel on her back and out cold beside her chair with a broad smile on her face.

Gabrielle quickly sprang into action and knelt beside the fallen woman. Carefully lifting Lariel’s head into her arms and resting it next to her breasts, she began briskly fanning the faint woman’s flushed face. Within minutes Lariel stirred and opened her eyes and Gabrielle was just about to help her up and back into her seat when she quickly keeled over into the bard’s arms again and nuzzled into her bosom. "Ah, I don’t think I should get up just yet," Lariel said sheepishly, batting her eyelashes coyly at the bard. Gabrielle smiled and continued fanning while Lariel continued nuzzling, and Xena just sneered at them both as she tried once more to compose herself and get this gods-awful story out before she felt faint herself.

The crowd waited in silent and awestruck fascination.

"All right. So where was I?" Xena said, looking very thoughtful.

"YOU TRACED IT ALONG THE SKIN OF THE FIRM GLOBE AND THE LITTLE NUB AT THE END, SAVORING THE SUBTLE, DELICATE, YET VERY DISTINCTIVE FLAVOR!" the crowd offered.

"Oh yeah," Xena said as she allowed her mind to once more venture backward toward the troubling beginnings of her shocking fetish. She cringed as she remembered what happened next…

So there I was tasting and feeling the most splendid set of…

"TURNIPS!" the crowd interjected with gusto.

Xena glanced at the door again. ‘Just twenty little paces…’

"Xena?"

The warrior glanced down and caught the bard’s eyes, which were by this time beseeching her to hurry up and get the dreaded story finished. Xena let her eyes descend lower and caught Lariel gesturing for her to continue even as she snuggled her face further into the bard’s bosom. Her eyes simmering with hot intensity, the warrior took a step in their direction with her fists clenching and unclenching repeatedly the only outward sign, at least to the unfamiliar eye, that there was trouble brewing within. Gabrielle saw the fists and knew immediately what it meant. She hurriedly pushed and urged Lariel into an upright position and helped her back into her chair in the front row then nonchalantly sidled into the crowd, whistling a subtle tune as she went.

"PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE WOMAN IN THE FRONT ROW," the crowd suddenly chimed in. "PLEASE GO ON, TELL US. LET IT GO. HEAL YOURSELF."

Xena stepped back, adjusted her armor, then shaking off that old familiar ‘wanting to kill something feeling’, took a deep breath and started yet again. "NOW, as I was saying…"

Well apparently Gabrielle finally noticed the glazed and crazed look in my eyes because she quickly grabbed those two turnips out of my hands and no matter how I tried to retrieve them back she kept them clutched tightly against her chest and just out of reach. She would not let me anywhere near them the rest of the day. But I was obsessed and every time she turned her head I found my eyes wandering back to those two lovely beauties, found my mouth watering to taste them once more, found my hands uncontrollably twitching to feel them…

A tiny bead of sweat escaped the warrior’s brow and rolled down across her cheek. She fought to keep her breathing from becoming too obviously rapid but she could not contain the blush that slowly crawled upward along her chest and neck and into her face.

Lariel suddenly leapt from her seat again and ran forward to offer the warrior a kerchief for dabbing her brow. Xena accepted it gratefully, swabbed her forehead and cheek, then handed it back and viciously sneered the woman back toward her seat. Lariel backed up quickly, sniffed the damp kerchief, then swooned and slumped backward into her chair, her head lolling and her eyes fluttering back into her head as she relaxed into her seat.

The warrior shook her head in bemused silence and glanced toward the door one more time. But instead of finding an unguarded, empty escape route she found there instead a 5’3" blonde sentinel with staff in hand and a look about her saying clearly that no one and nothing was going to escape the room without a fight. Swallowing her last bit of pride and nearly choking on it in the process the warrior reluctantly turned back to the crowd and prepared to continue her sordid tale.

The crowd waited with bated breath and hung on every word as the story unfolded before them.

So it was that my awful, distasteful, obnoxious, ugly, freaky, unbelievable fetish began. And it worsened with every visit to a market until I simply couldn’t keep my hands off those things despite Gabrielle’s desperate attempts to keep my hands and tongue at bay. I was constantly copping a feel every chance I got and was even coming up with clever little diversions like throwing my voice, to keep people occupied elsewhere so I could feel and taste and smell and relish in peace. I think Gabrielle was a little embarrassed by it all because I would often come down from my haze to find her blushing profusely. She’d always grab me by the hand and we’d haul ass out of there and either find a room or set up a hasty camp and then we’d…

The crowd gasped and Lariel swooned again and slumped lower into her chair, gripping the sides in a white-knuckled grasp for support.

Xena shook her head absently and continued.

Well, you don’t need to know that part.

The crowd sighed, grumbled, and shifted in their seats.

But I really hit bottom the morning I woke up to find my hands firmly grasping, and my lips and tongue savoring what I thought were turnips but found instead…

The crowd sat up and took notice, crossed and uncrossed their legs, then shifted the other direction in their seats.

Gabrielle cleared her throat loudly and the crowd turned toward her and nodded their collective heads knowingly. The bard, suddenly blushing profusely, lowered her eyes toward the floor and scuffed a bit of dirt with the toe of her boot.

"OH-H-H-H!" the crowd groaned in unison as they turned back toward the warrior princess fidgeting uneasily on the podium.

Xena grinned impishly at the bard then turning back toward the crowd, suddenly threw up her hands and shrugged.

The crowd began to cheer and clap. "WOO HOOO!"

Lariel leaped from her seat and quickly grabbed the warrior’s hand again. Xena cringed at the contact.

"PEOPLE! Please pipe down! This is not the proper forum!" Lariel shouted above the din. The hooting and hollering was reduced to a faint grumbling whisper. Lariel turned back to Xena and smiled. "So Xena, how do you feel?"

"How do I feel?" The warrior fidgeted and tried to wrest her hand from the woman’s grasp but Lariel held on tight.

"Yes." She clamped down even tighter on Xena’s appendage eliciting a soft ‘ack!’ from the hardened warrior. "First, tell us how you feel about sharing with us."

"Like I’d rather be bathing in fresh centaur dung." At this response, a loud snort arose from the back of the room along with a disgruntled stomping of a hoof. Xena shrugged apologetically in that direction.

Lariel squeezed the warrior’s hand even tighter, as if that were possible, and tears began to form in Xena’s eyes. "Now Xena, you MUST feel lighter inside for having shared your burden with all your,’ she waved her hand over the crowd, "friends?"

Xena’s blurry eyes scanned the crowd and locked onto the ex-warlord she had defeated in battle countless times. He glared back at her with what seemed like…she squinted her eyes…yeah, could be…just a hint of caring and understanding in his snarling face. She shook her head and smirked then tried in vain to release herself from Lariel’s grip yet again. "Yeah, much lighter," she growled shaking her hand up and down vigorously in vain. Suddenly her eyebrow arched upward. "So light that I feel like I could eat a hundred…"

"TURNIPS!" the crowd interposed with a collective gasp, some covering their mouths, others clutching at their chests with their hands.

"ARE YOU PEOPLE NUTS!?" The warrior finally exploded. "I was going to say goose eggs, you perverted bunch of *&%^$# %$#@ *&^%$#!" Yanking her hand away from Lariel and nearly lifting the woman off her feet, she stormed toward the door and the bard who fidgeted uncomfortably as she approached. Grabbing the bard’s hand and without a backward glance, she huffed out the door. "Come on, Gabrielle! I’ve had enough SHARING for one day."

Lariel calmly called out after them, "And Xena, if you ever fall off the turnip wagon please remember your Friends are here for you dear…"

************

Gabrielle was tossing and turning in her sleep, and muttering. "Mmmm, so firm, so luscious, so unbelievably bitable…"

"GABRIELLE!"

The bard awoke with a start and found herself looking into the face of a rather bemused, half groggy warrior princess. She looked around their campsite anxiously. "What, what is it Xena!?"

The warrior yawned, then grinned and casually pointed down toward her own backside. "Ah, could you maybe, um…remove your hands?"

Gabrielle jerked even further awake when she realized that her hands were unconsciously kneading Xena’s buttocks. Quickly pulling her offending appendages away and tucking them under her arms, she blushed and then grinned sheepishly. "I’m sorry Xena, I must’ve been dreaming."

"Uh huh, about feeling my butt?"

"Well not exactly."

"All right then, what?"

"Well, I’d rather not say right now." She pulled the blankets up over her face to hide her shame.

"Ok, when you’re ready to talk you let me know." Xena grinned wryly. " Just keep your hands off my butt will ya."

Gabrielle barely heard the warrior’s whimsical retort as her head was literally buzzing with horrific thoughts. ‘Oh no, this can’t be happening…’

*****

Apollo was smiling brightly on the crowded marketplace when they entered. The bard hurried out ahead of Xena toward the meat vendor’s stand with haggling on her mind.

Xena watched the bard amble off then stopped at a weapons vendor to check out the goods there. Anything to keep her and her mind away from the vegetable stand. She still wasn’t sure if she was ready to face that even after her, ahem… ‘enlightening’ visit with the ‘Friends’. ‘Yeah, you just wait Gabrielle,’ she thought with a devilish twinkle in her eye. She picked up a breast dagger, tried it on for size, smiled approvingly then shook her head and quickly tossed it back onto the display.

Gabrielle carefully eyed the various assortments of butchered offerings when suddenly her eyes came to a halt on a particularly appealing rump roast. As she allowed her eyes to painstakingly and slowly roam along its length and breadth her fingers began to twitch uncontrollably. She shook her hands trying to get rid of the feeling but the more she stared at that slab of meat the more pronounced became the twitching. Finally she could control the strange urges building inside her no longer and she lunged across the table toward the rump roast, coming to rest on a slab of pork and a roll of sausages. She grasped the roast and began running her hands over its length, kneading, caressing, feeling the supple yet firm texture against her flesh. She closed her eyes, lost in the feeling and totally oblivious to the stares she was eliciting from the surrounding patrons and vendors. Mmmmm…" she moaned softly.

"GABRIELLE!!"

The sound of the warrior’s voice jarred the bard abruptly to her senses and she leapt off the table, landing squarely on the warrior’s right foot. Quickly jumping to the side, she casually swiped a bit of sausage residue from the front of her skirt.

"Ouch!" Xena flinched and shook her wounded appendage but still managed a subtle smile. "WHAT was that all about?"

"Ah, I couldn’t…um…you know…reach," the bard stuttered uncomfortably. She glanced at the rump roast again longingly. "Isn’t it a beauty, Xena?" She sighed.

Xena followed the bard’s longing gaze then shook her head in knowing silence. "Gabrielle, follow me," she said and walked off with a slight limp down the street toward the meeting house where her own ordeal had been played out only forty-eight candlemarks earlier. Upon her approach to her destination she glanced up and noticed the sign over the door read simply F. S. A. – Friends of Fetish Sufferers Sharing For The Greater Good. "Right," she muttered.

Gabrielle watched the warrior walking away and her eyes traveled down over her companion’s lean body to rest on her taut buttocks. Her fingers on her right hand began to twitch. "Coming Xena," she said softly, then took one more longing look at the rump roast resting on the table next to her. Finally tearing her eyes away she took her first step following in the warrior’s path, both hands now twitching uncontrollably. As she neared the meeting house she heard the all too familiar voice of Lariel ring out, adding to the suddenly claustrophobic feeling of the air around her. She hesitated in the doorway.

"Ah, welcome back Xena. Oh, and you too, Gabrielle. Your friends are here for you…"

The bard cringed and reluctantly entered the room, keeping careful mental note of how many paces she counted as she slowly strolled from the door to the podium. ‘Hmmm, twenty-five paces. I could…’

"So Gabrielle, Xena tells me we have a teensy little something to share…"

Gabrielle sneered at the warrior who was leaning against the wall behind the podium busily picking at something under one of her fingernails. Reluctantly climbing onto the podium the bard watched as Lariel settled into her front row seat before taking a deep breath and starting to speak.

"Hello, my name is Gabrielle," she hesitated, sighing deeply, "and I have a fetish…"

A collective ‘OH MY!’ erupted from the crowd as they found it hard to believe that this young and by all appearances, pure girl could possibly have a fetish.

Xena smirked and leaned back against the wall, leisurely picking a bit of turnip from under her fingernail while she listened to the murmuring and astonished crowd gathering themselves.

"HELLO GABRIELLE! PLEASE SHARE WITH US YOUR FETISH AND BEGIN TO FREE YOURSELF OF ITS AWFUL BURDEN!" the crowd abruptly sang out as one unified voice.

Startled, Gabrielle nearly stumbled backward off the podium. She gathered herself and glanced toward the warrior. Finding her companion seemingly oblivious she looked anxiously toward the door.

Flicking the bit of turnip residue to the ground, Xena nonchalantly closed the gap between herself and the fidgeting bard and reached up to poke her solidly in the ribs eliciting a loud ‘ack!’. "Hey, I’m here for you Gabrielle," she said with a wry grin, as she crossed her arms and settled back onto her heels. "Remember."

Gabrielle gathered her wits, took a deep breath and turning back toward the crowd, began her horrifically sordid and gut-churning tale…

"It was a bright and sunny day in the marketplace. The birds were chirping cheerily and all was right with the world…"

In unison, the crowd shuddered, held their breaths, and leaning forward in their seats hung anxiously on every ugly detail.

‘Yep, they're all nuts,’ Xena mused as she settled in for another grueling visit with their new Friends. She snickered softly. ‘Better nuts than turnips I suppose.’

The End - Thank The Gods