AFTER THE HONEYMOON 1: A SURPRISE
Written by: Donna E. Trifilo and Catherine M.
Wilson
Xena and Gabrielle are walking down a country road, Xena leading Argo. Suddenly they hear a voice crying out from behind them.
VOICE: Wait up, warrior chums!
Xena gives Gabrielle the Oh No! look <tm>.
GABRIELLE: It's OK, Xena. I asked him to join us for awhile.
XENA: You WHAT?
GABRIELLE: Just for an hour or so. He's bringing me something.
XENA: What?
GABRIELLE: It's a surprise.
XENA: Did his mother make you some nutbread or something?
GABRIELLE: No, no. I don't do that stuff any more. Really.
XENA: What then?
GABRIELLE: He said I could use his post office box.
XENA: What for?
GABRIELLE: <slyly> I got something for you. Mail order.
XENA: <pleased> Something for me?
GABRIELLE: Well, for us.
A great clanking and clattering are heard as Joxer catches up to them.
JOXER: <hands Gabrielle a long, narrow box> Here ya go, Gabby.
GABRIELLE: Thanks, Joxer. I really appreciate this.
JOXER: No problem.
Gabrielle tucks the box into Argo's saddlebag.
JOXER: Aren't you going to open it?
GABRIELLE: No. It's for later.
XENA: Let me open it. You said it's for me.
GABRIELLE: For us. We really should open it later.
XENA: But--
GABRIELLE: Xena, trust me on this one.
Xena manages to control her curiousity. The three of them amble companionably down the road until Joxer develops a blister on his heel and has to go home.
XENA: I thought he'd never leave.
Xena snatches the box out of Argo's saddlebag and starts ripping it open.
GABRIELLE: Xena, wait.
Xena ignores her and struggles with the bubble wrap.
GABRIELLE: Maybe we should talk first...
Xena ignores her, whips out her chakram, tosses the package into the air, throws the chakram, which bounces off four tree trunks, a rock, the surface of a nearby pond, and a Demeter statue (oops), neatly slits open the bubble wrap, and returns to Xena's hand. Xena catches the package and pulls out a large, double-headed lavender dildo. She looks at it, speechless.
GABRIELLE: I ordered it from the Aphrodite's Garden catalog.
XENA: What is it?
GABRIELLE: <irritably> Well, what does it look like?
XENA: Like nothing I've ever seen before.
GABRIELLE: The catalog said it "enhances the pleasure of lovemaking between women."
XENA: Are you saying my lovemaking needs enhancing?
GABRIELLE: Of course not! It's for you, mostly...
XENA: Me?
GABRIELLE: Well, you like men... At least, you did... So I just thought... well ... um ... you might like ... um ...
XENA: Did I ever say I found you lacking in any way?
GABRIELLE: Uh, now that you mention it...
XENA: I mean in bed.
GABRIELLE: Oh. Well, not exactly...
XENA: Not exactly?
GABRIELLE: You just don't seem as ... enthusiastic as you used to be.
XENA: Hey last night you were the one with the headache.
GABRIELLE: I really had a headache.
XENA: Yeah, sure.
GABRIELLE: If you keep giving me grief over this I may develop another one.
XENA: Promises, promises.
Xena drops the dildo down her cleavage and starts walking down the road again. Gabrielle mugs at the camera, then trots after her. They walk for a few minutes in silence.
GABRIELLE: <seductively> Xena?
XENA: <testy> What?
GABRIELLE: <even more seductively> Wanna make camp early tonight?
XENA: <even more testy> Why?
GABRIELLE: Well, you know, I'm just a young, innocent village girl, but the talk around town is that you're hung like a centaur.
Xena looks at Gabrielle with a shocked expression on her face. Then she catches the twinkle in Gabrielle's eye.
XENA: Who did you hear that from?
GABRIELLE: Let's see. <counts on her fingers> That Black Wolf girl, Helen of Troy, Ephiny...
XENA: I never touched Ephiny!
GABRIELLE: So you *did* sleep with Helen. I knew it!
XENA: So what did they say about my, er, endowments?
GABRIELLE: Quite a lot. In fact, I found it pretty hard to believe.
XENA: You'd be surprised what's under this leather.
GABRIELLE: I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours.
Xena leads Argo off the road and into a dense thicket. Gabrielle follows her, grinning triumphantly.