AFTER THE HONEYMOON 6: Co-dependent No More
Written by: Donna E. Trifilo and Catherine M. Wilson
Morning. Xena's and Gabrielle's campsite. Xena is reading a scroll while Gabrielle is cleaning up the breakfast dishes.
XENA: <holds out the scroll to Gabrielle> What's this word?
GABRIELLE: Anonymous.
XENA: Amonamus?
GABRIELLE: Repeat after me: an - non - ih - mus.
XENA: am - mon - a - mus.
GABRIELLE: Close enough.
XENA: Thanks.
GABRIELLE: What are you reading?
XENA: Xenaverse.
GABRIELLE: Don't hurt your head...
XENA: Huh?
GABRIELLE: Never mind.
XENA: Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE: Hmmmm?
XENA: What's co-dependent?
GABRIELLE: Dunno.
XENA: It says here you're co-dependent.
GABRIELLE: Is it a good thing?
XENA: I'm not sure.
GABRIELLE: Let's see that.
Gabrielle puts away the last of the breakfast dishes and takes the scroll from Xena.
XENA: Great. Now I don't have anything to read...
GABRIELLE: Wait. <rummages through the scrolls> Here's a good one. <hands Xena a scroll>
XENA: <sceptical> A story?
GABRIELLE: Yeah. What's the matter? I thought you liked stories...
XENA: <too quickly> Of course I like stories. At least, I like *your* stories.
GABRIELLE: <blushes> Oh, Xena.... Well, I think you'll like this story.
XENA: Is it about fighting?
GABRIELLE: No. It's about lovemaking.
XENA: I'd rather read about fighting.
GABRIELLE: Trust me.
XENA: <sigh> OK, OK, I'll read it.
Xena starts reading the story and Gabrielle starts reading Xenaverse. Several minutes pass...
GABRIELLE: Oh, dear.
Several minutes pass...
XENA: Wow!
Several minutes pass...
GABRIELLE: Oh, my.
Several minutes pass...
XENA: Hubba hubba!!!
Several minutes pass...
GABRIELLE: Not good...
Several minutes pass...
XENA: Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE: What?
XENA: Wanna mess around?
GABRIELLE: I suppose you think I'm just going to fall over for you at the drop of a hat!
XENA: Huh?
GABRIELLE: What am I? A plaything?
XENA: What are you talking about?
GABRIELLE: "Wanna mess around?" What's up with that?!?!?!? No romance? No foreplay? No tenderness?
XENA: I was getting to that...
GABRIELLE: Well you can just forget it!
XENA: Hey! You *wanted* me to read this story. What did you think was going to happen?
GABRIELLE: So all I'm here for is to satify your sexual appetites.
XENA: I wouldn't say *all*...
GABRIELLE: Right. I'm also here to do the dishes, make the bedroll, give you backrubs, tell you stories...
XENA: Is that a problem?
GABRIELLE: It is now!
XENA: Why?
GABRIELLE: Just because you're the one with all the power in this relationship...
XENA: I am?
GABRIELLE: Well, that's going to change!
XENA: OK.
GABRIELLE: Not good enough.
XENA: I said OK.
GABRIELLE: That doesn't alter the fact that you have the de facto power in a relationship which, as it is in many ways analogous to the institution of heterosexual marriage, must consist of an inequitable power dynamic...
XENA: Speak in plain Greek, will you?
GABRIELLE: Don't you *ever* pull my hair again!
XENA: OK.
GABRIELLE: What time is it?
XENA: <stomach growls> Lunchtime?
GABRIELLE: Right! I bet I can just make that noon meeting.
XENA: Meeting?
GABRIELLE: I'll need to borrow Argo for awhile.
XENA: OK.
GABRIELLE: Saddle her up for me, will you.
XENA: Sure.
Xena saddles Argo and helps Gabrielle to mount, then watches with a puzzled expression on her face as Gabrielle rides away.
XENA: Must be her time of the month...
Xena picks up the scroll that Gabrielle was reading.
XENA: <reads> "Co-dependents Amonamus meets every day at noon at your local cyber cafe. Be there or be co-dependent."
Xena puts the scroll down and picks up the story she was reading before.
XENA: Probably not a good idea...
Xena puts the story scroll away, sits down, and tries to think of something to do.
A crashing, clanking and clattering noise is heard, and Joxer enters the clearing.
JOXER: Yo! Xena!
XENA: Yo, Joxer.
JOXER: Where's Gabby?
XENA: She went to a meeting.
JOXER: A meeting?
XENA: Yeah. Co-dependents Amonamus.
JOXER: Uh oh.
XENA: Uh oh?
JOXER: There's a very famous theory about that.
XENA: Theory?
JOXER: It's called the Domino Theory.
XENA: What's a domino?
JOXER: It's a little black thing with white dots on it... No, wait. It's a thing that falls over on another thing that falls over on another thing...
XENA: Joxer!
JOXER: Anyway, if you give 'em a furlong, they'll take a league.
XENA: What are you talking about?
JOXER: One thing leads to another. Today it's Co-dependents Amonamus. Tomorrow it's assertiveness training.
XENA: Gabrielle gets her assertiveness training from me!
JOXER: Not for long. Mark my words. In the next few weeks she'll call you misogynistic and chauvinistic, a woman-hating jerk, a sexist pig, a strutting, inept egotist. She'll complain about your macho bluster. She'll accuse you of nepotism--
XENA: Eeeeewww!!! That's disgusting!!!
JOXER: <pouts> And it's not true either!
XENA: There, there. <pat, pat> Of course not.
JOXER: She'll accuse you of making her coddle your wounded ego, of making her life a daily hell, of defensive arrogance to the point of delusion, of thinking with your... Well, maybe not that...
XENA: Joxer, where have you been getting all this?
JOXER: Someone gave me a subscription to a magazine.
XENA: What magazine?
JOXER: Xenaverse.
XENA: I must have missed that thread.
JOXER: Anyway, you better put a stop to it.
XENA: I can't do that.
JOXER: Sure you can.
XENA: I respect her, Joxer. I don't have the right to tell her what to do.
JOXER: <leers suggestively at Xena> Whatsa matter, Xena? Has she got you pussy-whipped?
XENA: No, we haven't tried that yet. Is it fun?
JOXER: I better go. I have an appointment. Some guy called Butthead is looking for a sidekick.
XENA: Sounds right up your alley.
JOXER: Farewell, warrior chum!
XENA: Bye, Joxer.
Joxer exits.
FADE