Disclaimer: The characters of Xena and Gabrielle are the property of RenPic and MCA, I just made them cry a bit, no permanent physical damage.

Sex or Violence: not this time, but I can not write about them as anything other than Soulmates and everything that implies.

Hurt Comfort: If I’ve done this right, it’s a tearjerker. It takes place sometime between Family Affair and Animal Attraction

Thank you for the insights, Mary Morgan; for the effort and corrections, Ice. Fellow Quebecois, the McGarrigles, unwillingly provided some music and the title, and the Bard’s Tabloid Ballad is from the Childe collection. Its exact age cannot be determined.

Mail is gratefully received and answered Kamouraskan@yahoo.com

For Corey Lippert. We still miss you.

Gabrielle:

When I showed Xena what Corin wrote, I don’t know what I was expecting from her. Seemed like a great idea to give him the journal and a chance to express himself. Anything was better than the spitting and cursing. And maybe it will still help in the long run. There is still a long distance to go before we get to Olynthus. I hope I can figure out what is really going on here. Neither of us has been the same since I came up with this God’s damning mission. Maybe neither of us is really prepared to deal with the idea of returning a child to his mother. But why? It’s possible that I should be the one writing things out...

You know what will happen to you when my FATHER catches up with you? He’s going to whip your asses so hard the only way you’ll be able to shit is when you cough.

No, so far, this had not been one of my better ideas. Xena and I were not talking. We were dragging a kid across territory where we could get him killed. And my warrior had known all along it would be like this. But I had asked, and she had gone along. Damn, I was lucky she hadn’t left us both behind by now. But she wouldn’t. Couldn’t. And the same reason that kept her from doing that, was the thing I had used to force her on this trip. I hate this. And everytime I see the anger and pain in her face, I hate myself.

But Lias had been a good friend in Potadeia. She had been older and the first of my group to be married; to have a child, then two. I had liked her husband until I discovered how unhappy they were. He was Macedonian and had finally left her and the children to return home. Once in a while he would visit and ignore his older daughter and wife to take the boy off for trips. One day, he scandalized the village by returning accompanied by another woman. But he had opened a shop and agreed to sign Lias’ petition for separation. So to secure his cooperation, and to allow Corin the chance to have two parents, we tried to accept his presence. Then one bright day he had disappeared with the boy. The shop was found to have unpaid debts and an angry landlord. Petitions to the lords of the land had resulted in him being declared a kidnapper, but that didn’t return her son. Days, months, then years passed. Each one filled with more schemes and plans by Lias to find him. Most of them using what little money she had or could raise. She had saved enough to go to Macedonia, only to be turned away by his family. She had hired people, sent letters, but there had never been any word. But Lias had never given up. Would never give up.

So. I had thought that here I was, righting wrongs with this great warrior. Maybe I could finally solve this great tragedy of my home and my past. Maybe I could help to bring a child and mother together for a change. But eight years is all a child can remember, and the boy-man we were dragging with us, was determined to bring no joy to anyone’s heart.

I really feel like a hero now.

"Yes?" If there was any anger or resentment in her tone, I could have handled that, but instead it looked as if she was bracing herself for another blow. I’m was so angry at myself for making her feel this, that even though I knew she’d feel worse, I just shook my head and moved to the edge of the dock.. Again she followed me. She shouldn’t have. I turned on her, and I know she was surprised by the look in my eyes.

The ship hasn’t set sail, and already I’m trying every trick Xena taught me to hold my stomach in place. Since we had to bring both horses, we had only a few transports to choose from, and this one is also ferrying sheep. Why, by the God’s, would anyone be sending sheep to Potadaea? I can’t imagine, but their smell reaches me with every creak of the spars. Thankfully the weather is clear, so that I can stay close to the side, breathing in as much fresh air as is possible on this scow.

I think about what just happened. I knew that she wanted me to leave her alone. But I just had to keep pressing. And even if I forgive her for what she said, the question as always is, can she forgive herself?

Gods, I wish she was here. Holding me. I know that with our luck I’m more than likely to puke all over her. I’m concentrating desperately on holding my queasiness at bay. In my mind I can see her face. I imagine I can feel her muscles relax as she secures her hold around me.

I’ve got to figure out what is happening, I know there’s only one thing that can hurt this badly, but I can’t find the connection. I have to think, I need to write, but I don’t think I can do two things at the same time.

Oh boy. I was wrong...

It’s almost nightfall. We’ll be in Potadaea tomorrow at this time. Xena and I even missed out on our usual argument about whether we’d see my parents together, separately or at all. She’s been spending all of her time with the captain ever since she saw the poster, afraid to even look my way. Is this really about Corin, or is it about our children? Writing my poem did clarify things. I know that the link is love. But I need to know what she is thinking. The Gods know talking isn’t going to work. Not yet. I have to believe it will come to me. Considering the way I feel right now, I could be completely crazed, but I have to trust my gut. Oh Gods, why did I put it that way! Got to go...

We’ve docked off Potadaea. I don’t know what going to happen, but Gabrielle has something up. She keeps staring at me.

I don’t know when I really became aware of the story that the old man was singing. I was still concentrating on our problems, when it finally penetrated this thick skull.

Suddenly that cracked old voice was all I could hear, and it filled my mind until I thought it would explode.

I don’t remember falling, all I knew was the pain and the guilt and anguish until the moment I saw my own emotions reflected back to me in those perfect blue eyes of the woman holding onto me, the woman who also held my soul. The woman who was suffering as I was, because of the shared belief, almost resentment, that Lias had never given up on her child, never let go of, dare I say it, never let go of hope.

And then I knew what I had to do.

It was dark when I took Corin down to the market. It wasn’t too difficult to find one of the posters of him. He could see it had been there for a while, and I know that had an effect. He didn’t seem to remember anything about home, but at least he was talking to me, even if it was mainly irritated little grunts. I’m used to that, anyways.

I was glad that it was night. I was still trying to avoid anyone we knew; I just had to hope that if word got to my parents and Lila that I’d been through, we’d be back in time to apologize. Things have to be settled before I get involved in those old complications.

I found an ad for one of Lias’ concerts to raise money for the search for Corin. I tore it off the post and put it into his hands. I think he was ready to tear it up but he couldn’t. He didn’t say anything for the longest time, until finally he looked up and said "It wasn’t a trick, was it?" I shook my head. That was a start. Now would come the hard part.

This morning I awoke to a grey sky and a cold bedroll. I don’t think Xena ever came to bed. So I was determined that we would face some demons this morning, before we rode another league.

I called Xena over. She came like I was asking for a tooth, but she hunched her back and came. I whispered that I was about to force the issue with Corin, and I needed her nearby. She knew I was lying, at least partly, but she stayed by his side.

He wasn’t a stupid boy. He was about as tensed up as Xena, and twice as worried. So I smiled as artlessly as I could and sat in front of him.

"Could I have the poster?" I asked.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the concert ad we’d found the night before.

I took it from him and as I unfolded it, I explained. "She’s been doing dozens of these, in towns across the peninsula, you know. Some very good musicians and bards have performed at them. I even did a couple."

He stared at the ground for a while until I heard him mumble. "My Dad...he lied about her, didn’t he?"

"He told you that your Mom didn’t care, that she just let you go? That she just did stuff to cause trouble?"

There was slight nod.

I said with a vehemence that surprised both of us. "Then he lied. Big time."

He absorbed that for a moment. I waited.

"I wasn’t much older than you are now, when you...were taken from her. I had never seen a woman I knew, in so much pain before. It was a gradual thing. She kept thinking that it was a mistake, or a cruel trick. That she’d answer the door and there you would be... When it became clear that he’d planned this to be forever...."

"She really hurt?" Under my breath I cursed his father that Corin even had to ask.

"Of course! She was a mother." I heard the grunt from my warrior at this, and I felt the same pain in my own heart. I chickened out, because I changed the subject. "Then there were the problems with your sister..."

"My sister?"

"Yeah, your big sister. Luthra had different problems about you being taken. She loved you, but she had to deal with a broken mother, and a father who left her behind because he only wanted the boy child. Try to picture living through all the attempts by your Mom, year after year, to get you back, to find out how you were. Using what little money they had, spending her time trying to raise more. Going to all these meetings, and crying in her room at night. Luthra was pretty messed up by it, can you see that?"

He nodded quietly.

"She had a lot of uncertainty... dealing with resenting you and still missing you."

He looked like he could imagine it too well. He looked down again, and mumbled "they should have just forgotten about me."

This was it. I took a deep breath, knowing that every word I was about to say would tear at my warrior and myself.

"She couldn’t do that, Corin. She was a mother. She couldn’t help but wonder about what you were doing, what you thought of her, whether she was doing enough. Can you imagine, losing your child? Not knowing if they were alive or dead, safe and fed? Every night trying to sleep, not knowing anything? That’s what a mother does. They can’t help it...." I didn’t know how I was saying this. It felt like every word was dripping with hypocrisy coming from me, but I had to get through it for this boy, for Xena.

"They’ll hate me...."

I took the fists he had formed, and held them tightly. "No. The moment she sees you will be the moment she’s dreamed of every night for 8 years. I know that, without any doubt. It will be the same for your sister too. This is their dream for eight years."

"I thought they...he said that..." and it all burst out of him, and even as I felt Xena leave, her own tears close to the surface, I could only pull him to me and try to murmur some comfort. I watched my warrior stumble away, and still I rocked this child saying, "your momma loves you, your momma has always loved you..."

I waited until he quieted, and faced his tear streaked face with my own. I carefully gave him back the poster. "I want you to look at this, and think about what it means. You’re old enough to make your own choice, but this woman has worked so hard, for so many long years. She deserves to hold her son, look into his eyes, and know that at least he’s alive. Can you do that much?" There was another nod, and I left him to find the other one in distress.

She was sitting alone on a outcropping. She knew I was there, but she didn’t move.

I perched beside her and gave her some time. Finally she broke the silence. "That’s what mothers do. You’re right. That’s what they should do." She turned her painfilled face to me. "What can you think of me?" then she turned away again. I began speaking in a casual tone.

"All week I’ve been wondering what was going on with us, you know. I couldn’t figure out what our problem was, but I began to realize that you didn’t either. I was so caught up in the same blind spot, that I had to remove it before I could understand. At first I thought it was because Corin was the same age as Solon, but it wasn’t that simple. Here we were, finding someone’s else’s child, someone who has spent every moment in an obsession to retrieve a lost child, when you’ve never stopped beating yourself up for leaving Solon with the Centaurs."

She muttered "Abandoned him..."

Now was not the time to be gentle. I grabbed that face and held her gaze, our faces almost touching. "Xena! How many times have you wanted to leave me behind, because you thought it was best for me? Even after you knew it would tear you apart? And the only thing that stopped you was ME. Telling you I was an ADULT who made her own choices. And that’s traveling with the person you are NOW! Not the warlord who you thought would poison a child’s spirit and mind.

"You know, the only time I ever feel a moments pity for you, is when I think of that poor young woman. Giving birth alone. Not knowing what the next day would bring. Giving her child to the only people she knew would raise her son with respect, and safety and love."

I don’t know who was crying more now. But I had just one thing I had to make her understand.

"Both you and Lias had your children taken from you. You hear me? You had no more choice in it than she did. No more choice,... than I had." I heard a muffled sob, I don’t know whose it was, but I gripped her shoulders with all the strength I had left. "No choices Xena, they were TAKEN, taken from us. Please, can we be happy for her? And can we try to heal our wounds? Please, can we be happy for her..."

Xena took my hands and wrapped them in her own. "Only of you can try to remember that you did fight for your child. You fought ME, you did everything a mother should do...you loved your child, Gabrielle..."

Everything seemed so simple for that one moment. "Did I?"

And she was holding me saying "We loved our children, Gabrielle, We both loved them so much..."

We arrived right about lunchtime, and I was thinking that they would hear my stomach before the horses. Corin was so tense. I kept reassuring him, but he wasn’t able to relax. We pulled up outside the house where Lias was staying , and I left Corin with Xena. All my anticipation died upon approaching that door. After all the years of wanting to help her, was it too late to repair the damages? I realized that I had made this a quest, never really realizing what its result would be. I hesitated, wondering whether all I had done was let my own ego damage this family even further, when the door opened. Lias is a large woman now, but the friend of my childhood is still there under the worry lines. She gave me a delighted grin and pulled me inside, babbling about how long it had been. I waited until she ran down, and then took a chair out for her, and sat her down in it.

Before she could ask anything, I said "Xena and I went to Macedonia, Lias."

Her breath stopped. "Did you see..."

I nodded. "We went to his father’s house. But...he didn’t want to come with us."

Lias let out the breath she had been holding, and I saw the pain of flash through her eyes "How is he, is he..."

I cut her off. "He didn’t want to come...so we tied him up, and brought him against his will."

I paused.

"He’s outside, Lias."

Her heart must have stopped, she was so silent. I filled the hush. "He’s very scared, Lias."

I don’t know if she heard me. "Outside...?"

"He doesn’t know what to expect..."

"Outside, now...?"

I thought she would break down, but she found the strength inside of her; her need to see her son holding her together, and she shouted to her daughter, "Luthra, come! Come NOW! Luthra, please..."

I began to get so worried that she would think that this was the picture perfect reunion with that long ago lost little boy, so I still tried to caution her as she began to wipe her face. She ignored me and threw open the door and ran into the yard. "Where? Where?" was all she said and I pointed.

He seemed very small for a young man at that moment; standing there like a new colt on unsteady legs. And he didn’t sound like a man when he saw his mother swooping down to him. She fell to her knees before him and he cried like a child "Momma. Momma."

I looked to my warrior, and I saw the tears in her eyes as well. Watching, I cried for them, for us, for Solon and for Hope. Wanting to believe that we had taken one more step to forgiving each other and ourselves, that maybe it would be easier tomorrow. wanting to really share Lias’ joy.

There are still problems here, and I see that Lias is afraid to yell at Corin when he does something wrong, but I think that will come. She took me aside at least a dozen times to thank me, usually just repeating herself, but I feel I should be thanking her. We all needed to find out that in our own way, we had sacrificed for our children. The cycle of guilt is harder to break than the cycle of violence. We all need some Love and forgiveness for knowing that in some way we all failed our children

We stayed for several days, until both Xena and I became restless. I haven’t told her yet that we won’t stay with my parents on the way home, I think I’ll let her suffer for a while yet. But we need time alone together. Both my warrior and I still have to put to rest our own lost children, and remember that there was love, that there is love.

I know I still need to find forgiveness. Please, let it be there.