Disclaimers: How in the heck do you disclaim something like this???
Some of you may remember that TZ and I wrote a little story called Hunger together. What you might not know is that while we live on different coasts, we wrote the entire thing "Live". Got to give credit where credit is due...it's all Betsy Book's fault. Yep. Without the Xena Warrior Palace TZ and I wouldn't have met more formally or strike up a friendship and corrupted hundreds of people. Joke! Don't kill me, Betsy! I have 10 children and a Xena collection to support! *EG* Seriously though, (that just has to be an oxymoron when in conjunction with either one of us) the Palace, since it's a real time chat environment, allowed us to write Hunger in two sessions (that's not including sending email after email afterwards, going over word preferences and rewriting).
Well, now were writing Agony the next one in the series and thought you all might enjoy some...ummm...outtakes. Call them bloopers if you will, or bouts of raging insanity. *VBEG*
This is what happens when two bards, who are both a little loopy to begin with, get together and, with an audience of one to egg them on, write an alt story. All grammatical errors have been left as they were found. This is NOT a skit, but a live conversation and we felt you should see it as it was spewed. *EG* Spelling has been corrected though.
So, this is dedicated to hobbes, who had to put up with both of us numerous times and has the patience of a goddess, but the mind of a sewer she fits right in. *S*
PS - Yep, theres alt in them there hills!
A NitWit Guide For Alt Fanfic Collaborators
by Silk and TZ
We open our little debacle in the midst of an intense scene that our two insane conspirators are creating. Lets watch the Mistresses of Mayhem work, shall we?
Silk: Like a hummingbird to a flower, I kiss her there, my tongue slipping out and tasting the faint salt on her skin.
Silk: And it comes from her, as faint as my own words before, a moan.
TZ: my loins burst into flame and I fight the urge to overtake her at once.
Silk: I was trying to picture it and all of a sudden, I got the WRONG picture
TZ: <raspberry> Im eating cereal. give me a break <G>
Silk: her laying there trying to douse herself
Silk: with a bucket of water
TZ: that's "Thirst", dear <EG>
Silk: nono...loins burst aflame
Silk: oh gods...
TZ: was not a good idea to drink some milk just then...
Silk: okay, okay...
hobbes: naughty grrrl
TZ: cut 'burst into flame'?
TZ: stop laughing... Ill give myself away in here <G>
Silk: I'm just picturing her running towards the lake, a trail of smoke
TZ: that did it...
Silk: oh boy
TZ: my biscuits are burnin' ... my biscuits are burnin'
TZ: done giggling?
Silk: OMG...okay, get a grip here
Silk: okay...ready for umm...action
TZ: my loins surged with a primal desire
Silk: smoke signals anyone?
TZ: ok, calm down, and think sex.
hobbes: you know--if you posted one of your sessions--that would entertain people
Silk: *G* I was just thinking that
TZ: Id be locked up as a lunatic <G>
hobbes: irrelevant comments and the works
Silk: I'd be right there with ya
Silk: ok, back to burning parts
hobbes: no smoking section
TZ: we're surging with primal desire instead? better, y/n?
TZ: thrumming, throbbing
Silk: don't want to be throbbing yet
TZ: yeah, we haven't hit the swollen bud yet...
Silk: The making of "Agony"
Silk: a fool's guide to story writing
TZ: where were we? a had b's shift undone, valley of breasts naked?
End Part One Muhahha...it gets worse...trust me. LOL
Part Two of the Insanity of Two Bards and One Voyeur -
We now join our duo in the middle of another creative bout. Let's quietly tiptoe and listen in, shall we?
Silk: So I do what I have no choice in doing and paint her breast with my kisses.
TZ: driven by a force I can no longer control, I return to my feast.
TZ: as my mouth plays upon her responsive mound, my hand captures the other and begins to gently knead
Silk: responsive mound?
Silk: "Hey you! Lick me over here!"
TZ: I hate writing good sex scenes
Silk: it's cute
TZ: I need a thesaurus <G>
Silk: just a sec
Silk: bosom, bust, chest, teat, udder...hehe
Silk: her responsive udder
TZ: responsive flesh, flushed skin
Silk: that works
Silk: flesh one
TZ: you are terrible... don't make me laugh. now I have pictures of two cows going at it.
Silk: Xena: Warrior Heifer
TZ: Mad Cow Disease by Silk and TZ
Silk: Gabrielle: Amazon Holstein
Silk: we're just too sick
TZ: of course, Xena would grow horns just to be butch
Silk: just imagine...
Silk: a cow flipping through the air
TZ: I am...I am <G>
Silk: oh gods...
hobbes: *snort* *cough cough*
TZ: Ive just cut off the flow to your udders, you have thirty seconds to spit out that cud...
hobbes: stop stop!
Silk: who needs a chakram when you have a cowpie?
TZ: <ahem> Mr. TZ is going to start questioning my sanity
hobbes: you mean he hasn't yet?
Silk: cowchip I mean
TZ: hey, you can throw them and burn them for that pleasant evening complete with a moooving campfire scene.
hobbes: shall I fetch the paddle?
Silk: Gabrielle...you are my source...of milk
TZ: well, that problem with the centaurs would be solved...
TZ: <deep breaths>
Silk: *calming down*
TZ: <wiping tears from eyes>
Silk: *trying not to picture two cows beating the shit out of a bunch of raiding longhorns*
TZ: where the hell were we?
Silk: TZ: as my mouth plays upon her responsive mound, my hand captures the other and begins to gently knead
TZ: but, Xena...you'll be gored... I don't give a damn, Gabrielle. Im in a mooood to bust some steers.
Silk: I have many moos
hobbes: oh God, we've created a monster
hobbes: you two are udderly impossible
TZ: Xena, you can't leave me... I need yoooooo
Silk: Tell me again why I need a steer?
Silk: and then there's the episodes...
Silk: Heifers just wanna have fun
TZ: is there a dairy maid on the farm?
hobbes: cold hands, warm udders
TZ: adventures in the milk trade
Silk: Hoofs, Heifers, and cow patties
Silk: Necessary Milking
hobbes: the mooovers and the milkshakes
Silk: Adventures in the leather trade
hobbes: have leather, will travel
Silk: Quest...for a milkmaid
TZ: skim milk of the past
Silk: the Milkman AKA the Deliverer
Silk: and it's sequel
Silk: Gabrielle's Calf
hobbes: shooting the bull, cows unite
TZ: but Xena...she's just a calf. that's no calf, Gabrielle. that is a vessel for veal!
TZ: <innocent blink>
Silk: We ok?
hobbes: what do you call veal? Jailbait
TZ: Im ok
Silk: that would be Forgiven, hobbes Tara
Silk: actually, we could call that ep... Tenderizer
TZ: bet Xena had no problem jumping over that moon...
TZ: ah...hickory, dickory, dock..... and the cow jumped over the moon?
Silk: Xena: The Destroyer of Barns
Silk: wrong rhyme, TZ
hobbes: Gabrielle, Amazon Dairy Queen
Silk: that's the mouse one
TZ: hey diddle diddle?
TZ: diddle...diddle...diddle... hmm.... <EG>
Silk: hey diddle diddle the cat played the fiddle and the cow jumped over the moon
Silk: there's a spoon in there somewhere
TZ: it's consorting with the fork
hobbes: the spoon ran away with the fork
TZ: the hussy
Silk: ok, back to business?
TZ: Ill be good <G>
hobbes: responsive mounds
This one gets kinda naughty ;} This is also the last bit we have for you. *G* Come on, say it. You know you want to. All right, I'll say it for you. THANK THE GODS!!!
Silk: exposing the length of her to the night and my hungry eyes.
Silk: hmm...my stupid balloons haven't caught up yet
TZ: during kiss: our tongues dance to the song that raging in our blood, our rhythm hastens with each passing second.
Silk: sorry, I'm singing right now
TZ: I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they begin to itch for her.
Silk: I would die for you, by Garbage
TZ: absolutely incredible song
Silk: perfect Xena song
Silk: works for this story too
TZ: especially those moans <G>
Silk: oh yeahhh
Silk: "I will burn for you"
TZ: thrusting in time... ohhh ohhh
TZ: damn...wish I had a copy of that now...
Silk: "your just like me"
Silk: damn...ok...Im ready
TZ: I would kill for you...beg and steal for you... I would crawl on hands and knees for you
Silk: "I would kill for you...I will steal for you...I'd do time for you...I will wait for you...I make room for you..
Silk: I'd sail ships for you...to be close to you...to be part of you...cause I believe in you
TZ: Id die for you.... (additional moans)
Silk: I believe in you...I would die you
Silk: oh yeah
Silk: *sigh* all done
Silk: ok, where were we?
TZ: hehe... good. now I have to resist turning version 2.0 on <G>
Silk: well, at least it was better than cows
Silk: I would leak for you...I would eat grass for you..
Silk: I will chew my cud for you
TZ: Id moo for you... give milk for you... Id chew my cud ... blah blah blah
Silk: I will be a steak for you
Silk: me bad
hobbes: bad bad bad
hobbes: rump anyone?
TZ: Muber X&G sex scene - a rump hump
TZ: dammit, Xena... we can't do a 69... I can't lay on my back like that.
Silk: rarely see those in ff
Silk: okay...seriously now
TZ: I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they begin to itch for her.
TZ: I like rump humps... ever read Getting It Right <EG>
hobbes: can you see Xena with a strap on as a cow?
Silk: yes, I have TZ...I think
Silk: and a strap on for cows...thats scary
TZ: hobbes! what would this strap on be made of??
Silk: at least they aren't elephants though
Silk: cowhide...all natural of course
Silk: or we could just borrow from Katrina and have them use their tails
Silk: "quit swatting me, Xena!"
Silk: *cough* sorry
TZ: cowtails are kind of on the limpy side...
Silk: *grins wickedly*
TZ: "oh, gods, Xena... I love how you whip me...
TZ: with your tail."
Silk: I can see a great come-on line
Silk: "Xena...kiss me, let's swap cud"
TZ: gab's patron goddess would be Artemoos
hobbes: got milk Xena?
TZ: spare me the pictures <EG>
TZ: "Gabrielle... you're so full of milk."
TZ: "It's all for you, Xena. Only you make me lactate so much."
TZ: imagine... instead of one swollen bud...there'd be eight swollen udders... whooo hoooo
Silk: TZ: I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they begin to itch for her.
TZ: I want to ravage her now to ease this torture my body and soul have endured.
And THAT dear viewers is the end of this week's episode of Wild America. Stay tuned next week for...
TZ: Milk Dud, anyone? Oh wait, thats Joxer Cow story and we dont do those.
Silk: It was all your fault!
TZ: HA! Youre the one who started it!
Silk: Four words, TZ "Loins burst into flame"
Silk: Shouldnt that be udder? *EG*
TZ: I cud-da been a serious bard.
Silk: One word - thesaurus.
TZ: Thesaurus? Was it a meat-eater or veggiesaur?
Silk: <sigh> Now I know why you're the NIT
Warlord in Training
Have Katiepult. Will toss cow in India for free.
"Bard? Where? Do we act like bards? Dont answer that."
Novice in Training
Sleep? What's sleep?
Return to The Bard's Corner