August 2003
August 2003
A FIN Parody
"Mother, May I Sleep with Thracians? A Musical Homage to Love,
Redemption,
and Gratuitous Violence"
by Antony Girl & Dio
antonygirl@hotmail.com?
Part 1 of 2
Three to four years down the road, at the premiere of the new “Xena: Warrior Princess” movie, inside the Museum of Television, Radio, and Interpretive Dance…
Dio: Oh, AG! I’m so excited!
AG: I can’t believe we flew all the way from Artemisia for this. It’s not even a real movie-it’s a made-for-TV movie!
Dio: Don’t be such a grouch. I’m sure the folks at Lifetime will do a nice job.
AG: I just wish they could’ve gotten Lucy and Renee to do it. Somehow, Dixie Carter and Tori Spelling just don’t do it for me…
Dio: They say this version will focus a lot more on Xena’s struggles with being a teenage mother and Gabrielle’s nutbread addiction.
AG: Hmmph.
Dio: Shhh! It’s starting!
***
Lifetime Original Movies and The Xena Xiggurat Hotel & Casino are proud to present a RenSux production…
Starring
Dixie Carter as Xena: Warrior Princess
Tori Spelling as Gabrielle
and Meredith Baxter-Birney as Betty Ford
Original concept by John Soul-i-an
Story by Diogenes Tapert
Teleplay by A.G. Stewart
Music by Ananaranga Galore
Edited by Agnes Gooch
Directed by Diogenes Tapert
[TEASER, JULIUS TEASER]
Xena and Gabrielle are camping at an REI campground near Thrace. Gab is propped up on her elbows, thumbing through a glossy periodical…
G: You know, looking through Cosmo makes ya wonder… About who we are, where we’re going, who exactly J.Lo thinks she is now… Mighty Aphrodite, just look at her! How many chinchillas had to die to make that weave? And what the
hell is keeping Helen Gurley Brown alive?
X: I hear ginseng and fetal grindings.
G: [giggling] Oh, Sarah Jessica Parker! Who told you you could pull off a pleather jumpsuit?
X: Hey, Gabrielle! You know what I could go for? Some chicken-fried lamb and collards. And goat cheese grits. Ooh, and a honey-glazed doughnut! Hey, why don’t we go now? I mean, what are we going to do? Wander around Greece our whole lives waiting for someone to open up a decent soul food joint?
G: Hmm? [looking up] Sorry, sweetie! [holds up the magazine] Fall fashion review. 750 pages. You’ve been nothing but a series of whoops and growls to me since breakfast.
X: [sighing] I said, why don’t we go south to the land of cotton? Good times there are not forgotten-at least, not until you’ve had a mint julep or twelve… Whaddya think?
G: I think I can't believe I'm awake, much less listening to you. [continues to flip through Cosmo, idly wondering if "19 Ways to Great Sex That Will Drive Him Wild” could be adapted] You know the guy with the backpack is still out there, don’t you?
X: Yeah, he’s been hiding behind the Winnebago for the past half-hour… By the gods, I hate voyeurs! I’d like to kill ‘em all! But I’ll settle for just one… [snarling her terrible snarl] For now…
G: [distractedly] Okay, honey, have fun… [flipping the page] Sweet Deceased Athena! That girl’s upper lip is fuzzier than a camera pointed at Cybill Shepherd…
[Xena disappears behind the camper, then almost immediately reappears with a young man in a flannel kimono in tow]
Kenny: Ouch! Owww! Hey, watch the backpack! I’ve got a sandwich in there!
X: Are you suicidal?
Kenny: Who’s asking? [Xena looks confused-she thought that was supposed to be her line] Please, I have a message for you, if you’re Xena…
X: Who's asking? [See? Told ya]
Kenny: Ahkickme.
G: [zeroing in on the confused/guilty look on Xena’s face] Who’s Ahkickme?
Kenny: [to Xena] You remember, don’t you? Ahkickme? [giving Gabs a furtive look and whispering to Xena] 28-18-32? Banjos? Birkenstock ice sandals? Cedar chips?
G: [green eyes flashing] Cedar chips?
Kenny: Couple of weeks ago, I was on a canoeing trip on the Swinee River with my buddy Burt-we were camped in a forest just outside a little town called Hoochee Coochee-you know it? Got a real good Wal-Mart? Right next to T.R.I.C.H.I.N.O.S.I.S. Friday’s? No? Well, anyhoo, it started to rain, like it does down there this time of year, and we sought shelter inside a Krispy Kreme Doughnut Shoppe…
[The Recent Past]
Burt: Kenny, don’t tell me you’re a afraid of a little cholesterol!
Kenny: [speaking to a beautiful waitress expertly playing a banjo] Your glazed crullers have great dignity and beauty.
Kenny’s VO: I am blessed with a certainty…about which kinds of foods aren’t allowed on the Atkin’s Diet, but my companion was not as steadfast in his resolve.
Waitress (a.k.a. Ahkickme): You must leave-now! Oops! Too late! It’s the boss, Yo!DoesShe?
[The plate-paper windows of the store are suddenly torn to shreds, as a whirlwind of swirling jimmies blasts into the room, then condenses in the form of an evil pastry chef…in drag.]
Burt: [screams!]
Kenny: [screams!]
Burt: Damn, Kenny! You squeal like a pig, boy!
Kenny: What in the Sam Hill is that thing? Do you know? Yo!DoesShe?
Burt: I dunno… I’ll ask her… Say, sweetness, do you… [Burt is suddenly pelted by a mighty wind of jimmies, then gobbled up by the portly transvestite spirit]
Yo!DoesShe?: Mmm… Sprinkles…
Ahkickme: [grabbing Kenny] Come on!
Kenny: [reaching out for the display case] But I didn’t get my Thracian Crème! [Ahkickme slaps his hand away and drags him to safety outside] Who was that demon? A butcher? A baker? A candlestick maker?
Ahkickme: The Lord of the Doughland. Yo!DoesShe? is preparing an army to wage war on the competition in Hoochee Coochee, and eventually the entire known world. Honorable hillbilly, I beg you to do what must be done-to stop him from inhaling every single doughnut in the city, even Winchell’s and DonutTime’s, which really aren’t very good, but still…
Kenny: [still pouting over the lost Thracian Crème, he takes a half-eaten Subway Italian salami and provolone sub out of his backpack] But I know nothing about the art of pastry! And, let’s face it, I’m no hero. Sandwich?
Ahkickme: Uh, no thanks. [handing Kenny the sacred Katongas] There is one who is in the Yeast, far beyond the setting sun.
Kenny: A doctor? A lawyer? An Indian chief?
Ahkickme: Actually, depending on the episode, sometimes she’s all three, but no! A warrior princess…
***
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***
[ACT ONE: ONE FOR THE JELLY]
Later, on the Midnight Boat to G’orgia…
Kenny’s VO: The way of the tongs…is among the most ancient traditions of the baker’s art-how to pick up hot, Southern-fried doughnuts without splattering…
With practice, a pastry chef develops the sacred virtues of bakery: self-discipline and the honor system, only eating a few doughnuts a day and paying for them... A true baker would rather a die a painful death by glazing than
live as a pastry mooch.
G: This Ahkickme who sent for Xena-what do you know about her, besides her measurements?
Kenny: She was forced by Yo!DoesShe?-the Lord of the Doughland-to produce doughnuts for his unholy appetites. She’s very beautiful, and she’s a ghost of her former self… Once she died and stopped eating the leftover irregular
doughnut holes, she lost about thirty pounds. Also, she looks like she could suck a bowling ball through a garden hose, if you know what I’m saying…
G: She’s a ghost? [turning to Xena] What fresh hell is this?
X: [wearing a wide-brimmed black NasCart cap and reverently holding the sacred Ka-tong-as] Gabrielle, before we reach G’orgia-I should tell you what happened the last time I went on a sugar binge. Fifty years ago, when I thought that bathing was optional and possum furs were a girl’s best friend, my lovely assistant Borias told me about a young pastry chef’s apprentice who was kidnapped by the Chinese warlord, Moo Lan. She’d been taken hostage from a mighty bakery, far south of the Mycenaean-Dixon line…
G: Wait a minute. Fifty years ago? You’re what…? Thirty, thirty-one tops, so, after the ice cave and the bog… You were six!?
X: Yes, but I was a very evil six. I was an evil prodigy.
G: That’s just preposterous.
X: Wait till you see the ending.
G: You didn’t even know Borias then!
X: Sure I did! We went to Warlord Montessori together.
G: [glaring]
X: All right, I was twenty-two, okay! It was only thirty-four years ago… I was an evil late bloomer. It just sounds better the other way…
[The Past]
Xena’s VO: Anyway, being the kind of person I was then, the challenge of finding a new fast food joint to plunder was just too much for me. I had to meet her. Also, we were headed to the annual Greater G’orgia Warlord Expo and Patio Show anyway, so we figured a little extra ransom money couldn’t hurt…
Inside the notorious cancan cantina, “Moo Lan Rouge”…
X: [looking like the posterchild for bad home perms] Is my hair still smoking?
Borias: I told you zhat trying to kill a Mongol giant vith a vlying parchment in an electrical storm vas a bad idea, but did you listen?
X: [patting her head gingerly] Shut up.
Borias: [muttered] Make me, Buckvheat.
X: What?
Borias: Nothing. Look, try not to screw zhis up-ve need zhis ransom. Our loot zo far conzists of vifty dinars, zhree Blockbuster movie coupons, and a lottery ticket.
X: So, her daddy’s rich, you say?
Borias: And her ma’s good looking. Big Daddy’s vealth is even vaster zhan his vaistline. He should pay vell for zee return of his sveet Southern belle… No vone’s been able to vigure out how to get zee jelly inzide zee jelly doughnuts zince she’s been gone.
Moo Lan: Ah, Ahkickme-
X: Gesundheit.
Moo Lan: Thank you. Ahkickme, meet-
Ahkickme: Xena, the Fairy Princess.
X: That’s *Warrior* Princess, smart-ass. …Miss Amphipolis if you’re nasty. So, you know me?
Ahkickme: Oh, yes. They say you are a dangerous woman.
X: You’ve been talking to Lao Ma.
Ahkickme: No, it’s just the same script.
X: Ah.
Ahkickme: Also, it’s on your belt buckle.
X: Gotcha.
Ahkickme: I’ve heard that you’re afraid of nothing…but soap.
Borias: [chuckling] Xeeena, your reputation preceeedes you. No, vait. Zhat’s just your ztench.
X: [snarling] You should talk, vodka breath.
Ahkickme: Moo Lan here, he’s afraid of many things. Spiders, clowns, palmetto bugs… He still sleeps with a nightlight, you know.
Borias: [spotting a jug of moonshine sake next to Ahkickme] Zee girl has spirits!
Moo Lan: The girl deserves to die! What were you, raised in a barn? [kicking the aptly named Ahkickme] Get our guests a drink!
Ahkickme: You can’t make me! Xena won’t let you. Because, in her heart, she knows she will soon love what I do-I mean, she’ll love what she’s doing.
Borias: Ha! Xeeena loves no vone.
X: [snarling] Shouldn’t you be off somewhere chasing after “mooze and sqvirrel?”
Ahkickme: I’ll be your student, Xena. You’ll take me with you. You’ll teach me everything you know. I’m not cut out for this village life-I was born to do so much more… Like have hot monkey sex on horseback.
Borias: Been zhere, done zhat, got zhe saddleburn. [taking a sip of the moonshine] Vhoa, mama! Sake to me!
Moo Lan: Insolent wench! You told me you were afraid of horses!
X: [snarling again, even though her mother warned her that her lip would eventually freeze that way] All right, Moo Lan-here’s 50 pieces of gold-plated advice. One: Never start a land war in Asia. Two: If ya can’t beat ‘em, get a bigger sword. Three: Never play poker with a guy named One-Eyed Jack. Four-
Moo Lan: Enough! The girl is mine. I do what I want with my property. Unless you think it’s a good day to trade? How about Ahkickme here for, say, your holdings in P’ark Place and the B’altic Avenue states?
X: Is it a good day to die? [pulls out a magic eight ball, shakes it, and turns it over] “Ask again later.” [shakes ball again] “Reply hazy, try again.” [shakes ball again] “Better not tell you now.” All right, listen up, ball! I didn’t come here to play games… Now, either you start filling in some holes, or I start making ‘em!
Borias: [to Ahkickme] Vould you believe zhat’s her favorite pick-up line?
X: [shaking ball roughly] “All signs point to yes. …Ma’am.” [smiling] Well, all right.
Moo Lan: Guards!
[Fight]
X: [to Moo Lan] I’ve shut off the flow of blood to your brain. You’ve only got thirty seconds to live, and, well, if I only had thirty seconds to live, I’d want to spend them… ah, forget it!
Borias: [looking at the ex-warlord Moo Lan] I vould have taken zee advice.
Later, on the S.S. Now, Pillager…
X: You know, Borias? I have a dream-a dream of conquering every land between here and Britannia. Also, I’m naked. And going through a tunnel. Do you think that means anything?
Borias: Xeeena… You’re alvays looking for deeper meanings to analyze and dissect. Zometimes, zveetheart, a zigar is just a zigar. Except vhen you’re smoking one vhile riding vith a midget and a Valkyrie on horseback zhrough a tunnel… Gods, I love zhat dream…
X: Speaking of deeper meanings, maybe there’s more in this than just the ransom, huh? I mean, with Big Daddy as an ally, I could get a nice toehold on that island.
Borias: [eyeing Xena’s inordinately long, prehensile toes] It’z pozzible. It’z alzo pozzible to vin zhe Iditarod vith poodles, but not too bloody likely. Besides, vhat makes you zhink she’ll lead you to Big Daddy?
X: Ah, she wouldn’t lie to me. [smirking] She worships her teacher.
Borias: [laughs]
X: What’s so funny?
Borias: [chuckling] Xeeena, you couldn’t teach a dog to bark.
X: Ahkickme! Come here! …And bring the poodle!
[The Present]
G: Excuse me, but am I in this segment at all?
X: Sorry, muffin… Next act we’ll give you something special, okay? A nice fiery action sequence for my little stuntie.
G: [eyes narrowed] That had better not be a crack about my height. …Will there really be an action sequence?
X: Cross my heart and hope to be skewered, beheaded, cremated, and kept in a jar.
G: Hmmph.
[The Past, Again]
X: [to the poodle] All right, Mr. Fluffy… If someone’s coming at ya with a right-left combination, this is what I want ya to do. You feint back and… [growls menacingly, barks, and bites Ahkickme around the ankles]
Ahkickme: Yeow! That’s a right, left, and…ooh… [faints]
Borias: [laughs]
X: Lesson one-try to faint on the carpet.
Later, just off the coast of G’orgia…
X: This is where we get off? [climbing down from the ship] Hoochee Coochee?
Ahkickme: Yeah, yeah.
Borias: Da, da.
Ahkickme: Hoochee Coochee’s Starbucks is near. You wanna chocolate latte?
Borias: Da, da.
X: We’ll bring back some marmalade.
Borias: Vell, vhat ever you get, just make zure I get 10% of it.
X: Here’s some shoe polish. Take 10% and go fix your goatee.
Borias: [laughs] Good luck, teacher.
Later, near the Hokey P’okey River in Lower G’orgia…
X: Come on, Ahkickme-keep up.
Ahkickme: Sorry, I’m still a little woozy from all that fainting.
X: Well, next time we’ll start with something a little simpler…like listening. Listen to that.
Ahkickme: To what?
X: Talk radio transmissions-they come through my fillings when I hold my sword like this. Every shift, every movement is a station. Rush Limbaugh just thought about pizza… Howard Stern’s talking to narcoleptic porn stars… Ew.
Ahkickme: When you listen to the Commies like that, you must be at peace.
X: The Commies? Who are they?
Ahkickme: The Commies are the powers behind all media. They control international banking. They put fluoride in our drinking water. They brought you to me.
X: No, no, no. When I listen like that, I’m just checking the up-to-the-minute raiding reports and basketball scores.
Ahkickme: I believe that one day, Xena, the Commies will bring us all peace. Either that, or grow corrupt and collapse against the international economic and political pressure of capitalist superpowers. …I wrote a manifesto about it in my Mongolian writing shanty-would you like to read it?
X: Uh…
Ahkickme: [handing Xena a log-sized scroll] Here’s Volume One-I left the other forty-eight back home. [handing Xena another, much thinner scroll] And here’s a little something for you.
X: Uh… Gee… Thanks… What is it?
Ahkickme: It’s a song. When my people are overcome with feelings that need to be preserved, like pickles, we write lyrics.
X: Oh yeah? Like what?
Ahkickme: “Yesterday, the moon took lodging on my sleeve. Today, I’m like a dog in heat, a freak without warning. I’ve got an appetite for love, ‘cause me so horny. Ah, me so horny. So, so, so horny. Ah, me so horny. Me love you long time.”
[The Present]
X: [waits] [waits] [nudges Gabs]
G: [murmuring] Oh, no, please don’t take me on your horse, you big, bad warrior… I am but a simple peasant girl with strong thighs and milky white skin…
X: Uh, Gabrielle…
G: Oh yeah, you like what I do, don’t you? Who’s your sidekick? Who’s your sidekick?
X: Gabrielle!
G: Huh? Oh, crap-I’m not in a bog again, am I? [sitting up] Where are we? Are we in “The Present?”
X: Yep. Go on, it’s your line.
G: [picking up a copy of the script] Sooo beautiful. To write lyrics like that, she must have been really horny.
X: [smirking] And how. The truth is, Gabrielle, she broke my heart.
[ACT TWO: TWO FOR THE DOUGH]
G: She broke your heart? I don't understand.
X: Well, if you had stayed awake through the first act, maybe this whole thing would make a little more sense.
G: [under her breath] Not bloody likely.
X: What?
G: Nothing… Go on.
[The Past]
Ahkickme: [watching over Xena as she fries a doughnut in a deep skillet] Let the grease caress the doughnut, enfold it…
X: [eyes wide with desire, Xena takes the doughnut from the pan with a pair of cheap tongs, blows on it, and takes a bite] Son of a biscuit! [hurling the skillet away in disgust, chakram-style] Borias makes better doughnuts than I do! And he uses vodka!
Ahkickme: Xena! That was our only frying pan!
X: Don’t sweat it. [smirking] I have many skillets.
Ahkickme: You really need a better catchphrase.
X: [scowling and catching the skillet mid air as it returns] Here. Take this to the nearest blacksmith.
Ahkickme: Hu-Mi?
X: Yeah, you.
Ahkickme: Ya-Yu’s the seamstress.
X: I don’t need a seamstress! Just take this pan to someone who can fix it!
Ahkickme: Hu-Mi.
X: YES, you, I- Oh… I get it. “Hu-Mi” is the name of the blacksmith here. Ha, ha.
Ahkickme: He owns the Laundromat.
X: [gnashing her teeth] Why are we even in this stupid village? I thought I was taking you to your father.
Ahkickme: His bakery is in the north. We came here first to visit my grandfather. He…died here, many years ago.
X: He’s dead? Are you telling me we came all this way to see a dead guy?
Ahkickme: Herbal Viagra incident. He doesn’t like to talk about it.
X: What do you mean, he doesn’t like to talk about it?! He’s dead!
Ahkickme: Yes, but I can still talk to him.
X: Who are you, John Edward? I can’t believe this! All your talk about moons up your sleeve and opiates for the masses-you were playing me for a fool. [snarling] Why I oughtta…
Ahkickme: You hear the Commies through your fillings. In the same way, I hear sounds that are silent to you. Dead people, high-frequency dog whistles, police bands… It’s all good. [Ahkickme kneels and claps three times] My grandfather says that you are an appropriate teacher, and that you are built like a brick pagoda. He also says that your kitchenware is like that of a little girly man.
X: Why I oughtta…
Ahkickme: Compared to Katongas, all other utensils are toys. Can your tongs cut through a tin can AND make radish rosettes?
X: Why I oughtta…
Ahkickme: Come on, let’s go get you a pair. There’s a great Katonga store near here, but, you must know, in G’orgia, women are forbidden to own Katongas.
X: Why I oughtta…
Later, inside the Williams-Katonga outlet…
Ahkickme: Sensei, I come bearing a challenge. My teacher wishes to fight you for possession of the Katongas of the Ginsu temple.
Sensei (which is G’orgian for sales clerk): Your teacher must be a mighty good pastry chef.
Ahkickme: Actually, she burns toast and microwave popcorn.
X: Why I oughtta…
Sensei: Well, I guess your “teacher” is just going to have to teach us a lesson! [three big Williams-Katonga employees surround Xena, flashing spatulas and barbecue forks]
X: Why I oughtta…
[Fight]
Later, sitting on a bed of mulch in a steamy Southern forest…
Ahkickme: [reading a passage from her new poetry chapscroll, “The Commie Sutra”] “In a flurry of snow, two breaths of wind unite and become as one. And then one breath gets on top of the other breath and they do it, like we should.”
X: Listen, Ahkickme, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, ‘cause I really love the tongs, and you’re a nice kid… A total hack, but nice. Anyway, I really just came for the doughnuts.
Ahkickme: And I really just want to learn the pinch, have you cut off my head, and then trick you into sacrificing yourself for my people. That doesn’t mean we can’t make furious zug-zug.
X: Be kind, rewind… Did you just say sacrifice?
Ahkickme: Uh, no! I said “secret sauce.” I want to show you my people’s recipe for secret sauce. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
X: [eyes glittering] Secret sauce, eh?
Ahkickme: [under her breath] Sucker.
X: What?
Ahkickme: Sugar. We’ll need lots of sugar. But first, I must ask you to do something for me in return for this secret recipe.
X: What, here? On the cedar chips? Can’t I just teach you the pinch instead?
Ahkickme: ‘kay.
X: [under her breath] Sucker.
Ahkickme: What?
X: Sacred trust. I said it’s a sacred trust.
Ahkickme: Oh.
[The Present]
G: What??? You knew that little pastry slut for a few weeks and you taught her the pinch? Unbelievable!
X: Gabrielle…
G: Don’t you “Gabrielle” me! You know, I put up with a lot from you: Demonic pregnancies, being taken to a monster ox-cart show for our fifth anniversary, waking up every morning with breastplate face… But this is the final straw!
Captain: Ahem… Hoochee Coochee is under siege and there’s no place to dock!
Tennille: Turn the boat around, my muskrat love!
Captain: Aye, aye!
G: …There just aren’t enough days in the week for all the therapy I’m going to need.
X: Gabrielle, I’ve got to go ashore.
G: Ugh! I knew you’d say that. [sighs] Okay, hold on. I’ll get your floaties…
On the dock at Hoochee Coochee…
X: [taking off her floaties] Firebombs! They’re going to burn every doughnut shop in this city to the ground!
G: Holy confection conflagration, Batman!
X: There’s no need to be snippy.
G: Pinch slut.
X: [deflecting a fireball with her sword] We’ve got to put the fire out before it reaches the Kripsy Kremes. Gabrielle, what would you do?
G: I’m sorry, what?
X: I said, “We’ve got to put out-”
G: No, after that.
X: “…What would you do?”
G: Yeah… What’s that supposed to mean?
X: I want to know how you intend to put the fire out. What’s so confusing about that?
G: [eyeing Xena suspiciously] Why are you so interested in what I think, all of a sudden?
X: [nervously] I’m always interested in what you think, pumpkin.
G: Did you even watch season five?
X: Parts of it…
G: Uh-huh. …Well, I saw these gardeners once. They used-
X: Show me, Gabrielle.
[Gabrielle leaps into the air, flips five times, ricochets off the Krispy Kreme store, lands back where she started, walks to the nearest house and turns on the garden hose]
Kiwi Samurai Soldiers: Arrrgghhh! She’s got a hose! Run away! Run away!
Villagers: Yay!
X: Hoochee Coochee is saved!
G: Whatever.
[ACT THREE: THREE TO GET DEAD-Y]
G: You know, Xena, I still don’t understand. Are you gay or what?
X: [singing, to the tune of the Beach Boys’ “California Girls”] Well, Russian girls are hip
I really dig those thongs their wear
And the Gaelic girls with the way they talk
They knock me out when they pinch down there
The Mongol farmer’s daughters
Really make you see the light
And the G’orgian girls with their bad haikus
…I wish they wouldn’t try to write
I wish they all could be Central Asian
I wish they all could be Central Asian
I wish they all could be Central Asian girls
The Greek coast has the Sapphists
And the girls like other girls
I dig disco bikinis on Lesbos Island
D*kes by a date tree in the sand
I’ve rode all across this big flat Earth
And I’ve rolled in lots of hay
Yeah, but I couldn’t wait to get to the Baltic States
‘Cause I just found out I was gay
I wish they all could be Central Asian
I wish they all could be Central Asian
I wish they all could be Central Asian girls
G: So you’re gay.
X: Gay. Gay. Definitely.
G: All rightee then. So, you taught Ahkickme the pinch. Did she ever use it?
X: [smirking] And how…
[The Past]
G: Oh, no, Xena. You go. I’m tired… I don’t want to go to The Past.
X: You sure?
G: I’m sure.
X: Good part’s coming up…
G: Not unless Ahkickme dies a slow and painful death.
X: Well, as a matter of fact…
G: [brightens considerably] Well, in that case… I’m right behind ya, babe!
[The Past]
Xena’s VO: After many days, we reached her father’s bakery, The House of the Rising Dough.
[Xena & Ahkickme walk up to the counter, where Big Daddy is “sampling” doughnuts from the trays]
Big Daddy: [sporting a white seersucker kimono and an Elvis ‘do] Hey there, little fillies. What can Big Daddy do for you?
Ahkickme: Die a slow and painful death!
X: I’ll take a Thracian Crème.
Big Daddy: Ahkickme!
X: [watching in horror as Ahkickme springs across the counter and whap!whap! puts on the pinch] Ahkickme! What are you doing? He was getting me a doughnut!
Big Daddy: [gurgles]
Ahkickme: You have thirty seconds to live, and if I only had thirty seconds to live, I’d want to spend them killing you again, you pastry mooching monster! I pray you suffer in death an eternity without pastry.
Big Daddy: [dies]
Ahkickme: [jumps back over the counter] I’m sorry, Xena. He was cannibalizing our profits. He had to die.
X: I don’t care about that! Where’s my doughnut? Where’s my Thracian Crème!?
[The Present]
G: Excuse me, but I thought you said Ahkickme dies here.
X: She does. I’m just explaining the history, the character motivations, the…
G: Yeah, yeah, yeah… Less chat, more splat!
X: I’m getting there, I’m getting there!
G: Well, hurry up, already! I gotta pee, and I don’t wanna miss the good part.
[The Past]
X: You told me you were going to get the recipe for the secret sauce! You gave me your word. You lied.
Ahkickme: [to the tune of a little-known Thracian love song] Yes, I lied.
I am a scheming, traitorous little b*tch
And now I’ve seen my evil
Plan go off without a hitch
That I couldn’t seduce you
Was the only glitch
You’re so strong
I bet you are a banshee in the sheets
I wish we could’ve shagged
But now all I can do is pout
‘Cause I’ve killed my dear old dad
And you’re looking really mad
I’m sorry, please help me, behead me.
Cremate me, then jar me, preserve me.
Then take me back home to the Krispy Kreme
Just ask for Flo, she’ll know what you mean
When you say that my body’s burned
She will give you a small coffee urn
[stabs herself] Urrrgh…
[The Present]
G: Woo-hoo!
[The Past]
Ahkickme: Snow melts. So does ice cream. And butter. And Velveeta, which is cheesy, as am I. But it’s time to make the doughnuts, so you should go on. Hurry up and chop off my head, okay?
X: Don’t have to ask me twice… [WHACK!!]
[The Present]
G: [thinking that the last scene was the greatest present of all] So, this is the Krispy Kreme?
X: Looks like it-maybe that guy at the counter knows Flo.
G: [to the guy behind the counter] Hi! My name is Gabrielle-perhaps you’ve heard of me? Some people call me the Battling Bard of Potadeia.
X: Others call her “the irritating blonde.”
G: As I was saying, I’m Gabrielle, and this is my sidekick, X-
KK Employee: Xena!
X: Yeah, who wants to know?
KK Employee: M’name’s Harry. Harry Carey.
Kenny: Some people call him the killer of ghosts.
X: And some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love… Now that the introductions are out of the way, why don’t you just tell us where we can find Flo, hmm?
Harry Carey: Don’t you remember me, Xena? It was many years ago-I was a young fella then, and…
G: Oh, hell. Another one, Xena?
X: I swear it meant nothing! I… Wait. Hey, I really don’t know this guy. You got business with me, Harry?
Harry Carey: You’ve got business with the ghosts of all the people you killed at Hoochee Coochee!
X: Quoi?
G: Xena didn’t kill anyone here! Everywhere else on Earth, yes, but not here…
Harry Carey: Y’all may have saved Hoochee Coochee today, but that don’t make up for what happened last time Xena was here.
G: Crap on a sai! Will someone please tell me what Billy Bob Thornton here is talking about?
X: It was Halloween…
[The Past]
Xena’s VO: I was dressed as The Ghost of Bad Makeovers Past. Everyone was crowding around me, holding torches, trying to see my crooked eyebrows. I tried to ignore them, but then some of them tried to take my goodie bag.
X: Get your own candy, ya soulless b*stards! Hey! Stop that! You’ll melt my Snickers!
Xena’s VO: I tried to pull the bag away from them, but it ripped in two, and all my candy went spilling out onto the ice.
X: Nooooo!
Xena’s VO: Wild with grief, I blew Pixie Stix into some of my assailants’ eyes, grabbed my torn goodie bag, and left town. One of the villagers I blinded must’ve dropped his torch on the candy wrappers I left behind.
Villagers: Fire! Fire! Yeah! Heh-heh, heh-heh. Yeah!
[The Present]
Harry Carey: The fire traveled from house to house… 430,000 shacks, shanties, hovels, caves, and tall sheltering palms were destroyed. Over four billion village people were killed. Policemen, cowboys, construction workers-all perished in the flames!
X: [aghast] That’s not possible! Only 37 people lived here-max!
Harry Carey: Oh yeah, you’re right-there were only 37 people here. Huh. Coulda sworn it was four billion.
Kenny: Ahkickme told me that after she put the pinch on her father, Big Daddy’s spirit was so fat that he couldn’t even get into the underworld. He became the Lord of the Doughland-the eater of donut holes. The four billion, er, 37 lost spirits were at his mercy. Now he keeps them enslaved at his demonic bakery, working to feed his unholy appetite for pastry.
G: Well, I’m surprised and entertained. You?
X: If this is true, then I am guilty of a greater evil than I ever thought possible.
G: What? You wore a white kimono after labor day? C’mon, Xena! It was just an accident. Hell, you’ve killed 37 people on a long weekend!
X: Gabrielle-
G: You’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking, are you?
X: I MUST PUT THINGS RIGHT!
G: Son of a biscuit!
Inside the backroom at the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop…
X: Can you taste it?
G: I thought I tasted vanilla, before.
X: Taste not just the filling, but the filling inside the filling.
G: [closing her eyes and licking her lips] Ooh, chocolate! Yum. Want one?
X: No, thanks. I’d better watch my ghoulish figure… If you need me, I’ll be putting on unnecessarily skimpy armor.
G: ‘kay!
On a soundstage somewhere in Upper G’orgia…
X: [wearing a gold bikini] Ahkickme…
G: Bless you.
X: Thanks. [sniffs] Gabrielle, come here. Give me your hand. All right. Here, feel this?
G: [blushes] Xena!! Not here! Somebody might be watching… Ooh… Stop that! How would you explain the sounds behind those sounds? Hmm? Didya think of that, my little fairy pri-
X: No, I really wanted to do this, today more than ever. Here, now feel this…
G: Xena! Stop this! Stop it!
X: But I love you…don’t you remember? If I only had thirty minutes, I could show you how much, but since I only have thirty seconds, suppose you put one hand here and the other-
G: Why would you want to do this right now? I don’t understand! I travel around with you for what? Six years? And now you want to give me thirty lousy seconds? I don’t think so…
X: There’s nothing to understand. I just wanted you to know everything I know. You know, in case you have to “handle things” later for yourself for some reason. Now, let’s go. We’ve got a battle to win.
G: Is that a bull’s-eye painted on your stomach?