The Bitter Suite for the Fourth Season: A Lampoon of TPTB
Satirist: Blade Mast
BladeMast@aol.com
Disclaimers: The characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Alti, Aiden, Najara, Eli, Callisto and the rest belong to Pac Ren and whomever else wants control over them. The characters of Steve Sears, Rob Tapert and RJ Stewart belong to themselves. Im not doing this for money and Ill try to return the characters in better shape than theyve been left in this season.
Subtext Disclaimer: This is the work of a writer who believes Xena and Gabrielle are both eternal soulmates and red-hot lovers. However, this piece will get a G rating. Subtext is mentioned, often, but isnt really shown. Oh, except for a kiss.
Genre Disclaimer: This is a parody; a lampoon of TPTB and the entire fourth season. I figure if Tapert et. al. can make fun of themselves in TPTT, I can do it too. It was also written before the episodes of End Game and Ides of March. This is meant to be a piece made in fun.
Feedback: Is, as always, warmly appreciated. I can be reached at
BladeMast@aol.com with questions, comments and offers of all kinds. ;-)
The Bitter Suite for the Fourth Season: A Lampoon of TPTB
EXT: GABRIELLE is sitting, lotus position, in a huge field of freshly bloomed spring flowers. The droning hum of insects weaves itself around her own off-key humming. CLOSE UP of her face reveals a single bead of sweat trailing down one cheek. Around her, THREE FIGURES stand.
AIDEN: What should we do?
NAJARA: Beats me. Shes been like that for hours. Just sitting and humming, humming and sitting. Its enough to drive a nice zealot like myself to drink! <Looks around for some Jinn>
ELI: <smiling beatifically> Imbibing of spirits is one of the seven deadly sins, my child.
NAJARA: <snarling> Stuff a sock in it, you ---
AIDEN: <placatingly> Now, now, Najara. Your Way is one of non-violence, remember?
NAJARA: It is? Oh . . .yeah . . .right. It is. <pastes on an angelic smile> <aside> This week, anyway.
ELI: Much better.
NAJARA: <scowls at ELI before smiling vacantly again>
AIDEN: <walks over to GABRIELLE, grabs her relaxed arms and slowly pulls them up straight over her head, leering down into her now exposed cleavage>
ELI: Is that supposed to help her?
AIDEN: Dunno. Its sure helping me though!
NAJARA: <hustles over> Lemme see! Lemme see!
ELI: Lust is another no-no.
NAJARA: Drat.
ELI: <assumes the same lotus position as Gabrielle. Gently lays his hands on her knees> Gabrielle. Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE: <stops humming and opens her eyes. Smiles broadly> Eli!!! Hello, my friend! <looks around. Smile fades> Aiden? Arent you dead? And Najara! I thought we left you in a coma somewhere. <voice trails off> Ok. This is very weird. Whats going on?
AIDEN: <slumping to the ground and contorting himself into the Mr. Salty position> Well, Gabrielle, soul of goodness, were here to get you to admit how much you hate . . . .
GABRIELLE: Xena?
NAJARA: Yesssss!!!!! Finally!!! Whoo hoo!! <pumps her fists in the air and does the Crazed Zealot Happy Dance>
ELI: Najara, my dear. Calm down.
AIDEN: Good guess, but not quite.
GABRIELLE: Um . . .my new haircut?
AIDEN: Nope.
GABRIELLE: My new clothes?
AIDEN: Huh uh.
GABRIELLE: The fact that I have to blow cocaine at my enemies instead of whacking them over the head with my staff?
AIDEN: Wrong again.
GABRIELLE: The whole fourth season?
NAJARA: DING! DING! DING!
ELI: You hate it, dont you.
GABRIELLE: Well, hate is such a strong word. I mean, there have been some good moments too. <smiles> Like my reunion with Xena. <frowns> Of course, then I wound up killing my daughter again. <smiles>And there was that time I got to lead an army. <frowns> Of course, I also sorta caused the death of a friend. <smiles> And it was funny watching Xena try to deal with head lice. <frowns> But then I had some disgusting fungus and a numb tongue for a month. <sotto voce> Talk about your lesbian bed death.
AIDEN: You hate it, dont you. They made you cut your hair.
NAJARA: You hate it, dont you. They made you get rid of your Amazon garb.
ELI: You hate it, dont you. I made you toss your staff in the Ganges.
AIDEN: You hate it, dont you.
NAJARA: Dont you.
ELI: Dont you.
AIDEN, NAJARA, ELI: You hate it, dont you.
GABRIELLE: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!
* * *
EXT: XENA is standing on a little hillock somewhere. The screen goes blue and misty-like and all we can see is falling snow and a bunch of crosses staked into the ground. XENA is humming her burial song. The hair stands up on the back of her neck, and the next sound heard is a flute accompanying her humming, twisting the haunting Burial Song into something resembling "Karma Chameleon". Narrowing her eyes, XENA spins to face the flautist.
KRISHNA: Hello there, sssssunshine.
XENA: Get outta here. Go on, beat it.
KRISHNA: <pointing to chest> Moi?
XENA: Yes. You. Youre not supposed to be in this parody. Scram.
KRISHNA: Whatever for?
XENA: If some of your worshippers find out youre making a guest appearance, this storyll never see the light of day. Itll get yanked faster than Joxers radish stew through Scythian colons.
KRISHNA: <flaps a wrist in XENAs direction> Oh pullease, sweetie. I am the Supreme Deity, after all. I just wanna talk to you.
XENA: <narrows eyes further> What about?
KRISHNA: <coy> Oh, this and that. Ya know . . .girl talk. <titters> <gasps> Oh my, what a big ssword you have, Xena!
XENA: <snarling> All the better to skewer you with, blue-boy.
KRISHNA: Testy, arent we. Your time of the moon, sweetie? <steps back> Alright, alright. No need to get your sari in a snarl, Princess. Like I said, I just want to talk.
XENA: Like I said, what about?
KRISHNA: <confidentially> Between you, me and the crosses over there, it seems youre taking this whole helping out Gabrielle on her quest while trying to avoid death by lumber thing just a wee bit lightly.
XENA: Whats it to you?
KRISHNA: Actually? Nothing. Its just that I hate to see such a big, bad, butch warrior turned into an over-emoting, kitty-whipped I-hate-my-Way type person youve become, Xena. The great Warrior Princess has become Gabrielles danger Hoover.
XENA: You leave Gabrielle outta this.
KRISHNA: Wish I could. But shes the reason youre up to your pretty blue eyeballs in this mess, isnt she? I mean, how many gurus can she get duped by in one season, huh? And all those scathing looks, just because youre doing what you were put here to do? Pullease, girlfriend. <grins speculatively> I bet youre not even getting any action for your troubles, are you? No bumpin in the bedrolls? No stable sexin? Humpin in the hay?<gasps> You know if I werent a god, that might actually have hurt. <a beat> Seriously, Xena, you hate what the fourth season has forced you to become, dont you. You hate what Gabrielles become, dont you. You hate it that theres no subtext anymore, dont you. Dont you. Dont you. You hate it, dont you.
XENA: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
KRISHNA: You go, grrl!
* * *
EXT: Back in the clearing, NAJARA, ELI and AIDEN are dancing around GABRIELLE, decorating her with flowers and doves of peace left over from the Apollo Theater prop-room. XENA runs into the clearing, leading ARGO by the reins (shes not allowed to ride, remember?) XENA drops ARGOs reins and unhooks her chakram. She flings it at the dancing quartet and AIDEN, NAJARA and ELI disappear. Flower petals trail to the ground like a gentle snowfall.
GABRIELLE: <pulls the circlet of flowers from her hair, throws it down on the ground in disgust. Scathing look to XENA> Damn it, Xena! Is violence always the answer with you?
XENA: <eyes wide> Violence? Gabrielle, they werent real! They were figments of your imagination!
GABRIELLE: Yeah, well thats what you said about subtext too, remember?
XENA: <raising eyebrow, hands on hips> And I was right about that too, wasnt I.
GABRIELLE: <a beat> Yeah. You were, come to think of it. <petulant stomp to ground> Why do you always have to be right?
XENA: Why do you always have to be so gullible? Gabrielle, believe me when I say that I support your need to find your Way. The gods know I do. But Aiden? Eli?? Najara??? Twice?!?!?
GABRIELLE: <blithely> I try to find the good in everyone, while you . . .
XENA: Get to transform into Psycho Bunny and kick butt during the fourth act of every episode to get your sorry ass out of your latest jam of the week. Yeah, I know. Been there, done that. Its getting old.
GABRIELLE: You think thats old. Try having to insert that "Im so naïve that Im surprised I can wipe myself without Xenas help" chip up your butt every week.
XENA and GABRIELLE: <smile at one another>
XENA: Im sorry they made me cut your hair.
GABRIELLE: Im sorry they make me say that your dark side scares me.
XENA: I hate the fourth season.
GABRIELLE: <sigh> Yeah, so do I.
EXT: Classic slow-motion-running-through-the-fields-reunion-scene.
GABRIELLE: I . . .l . o . v . e. . . y . o . u . . . X . e. n . a . . . .
VOICEOVER: BZZZZZZT. Penalty for using the banned phrase of the season.
EXT: A giant rabbit HOLE opens up between our two heroes. Just before they are to embrace, both fall down into the pit.
GABRIELLE: Woah. Déjà vu all over again!
XENA: <mutters something unintelligible since her sarcastic comeback budget has been slashed in half this season. The only four words that are clearly heard are subtext, holes and sidekick directors.>
INT: The hole splits into two downward shafts and the duo gets separated, XENA falling down the LEFT SHAFT and GABRIELLE falling down the RIGHT.
* * *
INT: FUZZY CLOSEUP on XENA plummeting down the earthen tube, bits of her costume being ripped off as she goes until she lands naked in a MUD WALLOW.
VOICEOVER: <cigarettes and whiskey voice> Cover thyself in the great mud of the pigsty of life. Wallow deep in it until thy hath covered thyself. And, having covered thyself, shall cleanse thyself again. Even as it as written: "She had her dwelling in the foul mud, as a sow therein."
EXT: Xena is drawn out of the WALLOW. A PIG snorts and licks the mud from the side of XENAs face.
VOICEOVER: Alti am I. From my raccoon black eyes, the visions hath their beginnings. In my boundless insanity is the mehndi of all things.
EXT: EXTREME CLOSEUP of Alti puckering her lips as her head slowly leans downward. Just as her lips are about to meet those of XENA, her nose wrinkles.
ALTI: By the gods you stink!
EXT: Blue eyes pop open and XENA sits up quickly, cocking her head in a show of animal curiosity.
XENA: You dont exactly smell like petunias in the garden yourself, ya know.
ALTI: <lip-synching> Sad that youre smelling strong, now I cant woo ya. Dont use words, sing a song .this is Well-lose-ya!
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
EXT: XENA standing naked in a room, Spanish hair extensions covering her breasts while the camera cuts off her body beneath the ribcage (shes not showing yet, but ya cant take any chances). ALTI, fetchingly dressed in her buckskin and deer antlers ensemble, stalks behind XENA.
ALTI: Xena be warned, Xena beware
Youre looking for subtext
That just isnt there
Xena be calm, open your eyes
You might like chicks
But Gab, she likes guys.
XENA: <startled. Looks down at herself. Shes now sporting black leggings and an oversized black T-shirt with white lettering stating "Baby Factory" with an arrow pointing downward toward her now huge belly. Her eyes narrow.> Alright, Alti, cut the crap. Whats going on?
ALTI: This season four, is such a bore
Theres no more subtext
Just peace and war
Tapert is clueless
On what has to be
Whod have thought fansd
Prefer season three?
Ill be your crone
Take the hand of your muse
You just might lose your way
In the land of Well-lose-ya.
Well-lose-ya is useless
The plots are a joke
You cant fight to kill
And your sidekick blows smoke
Youve seen just how awful this season can be
Theres just no subtext in it
Ends with you nailed to a tree
Tapert and Sears
Stewart et. al.
Howd Gab come back
Oops! Well they dropped the ball
Can they undo what they create
Dont have a clue
Theyll make you wait.
The thugs have a fix on you
Subtext went nix on you
Spiritual quest is the path youre on now
Gabs just a friend to you
Cross is the end for you
Where is the love, where is the lust?
Just change the channel
This shows a bust.
The Way of the Warrior tortures your soul
With Gabbys new duds you cant see that cute mole
The subtext that made you is dying, its true
Surrender the glances
The bedroll romances
No one knows quite what to do.
Oh Xena, with bed death, theres always a cure
Just grab your sweet Gabby and bolt down the door
The fans are all waiting to show you the Way
Just get your techniques from
The alt-fic creations
And have sex day after day.
The thugs have a fix on you
Subtext went nix on you
Spiritual quest is the path youre on now
Gabs just a friend to you
Cross is the end for you
Where is the love, where is the lust?
Just change the channel
This shows a bust.
Well-lose-ya is useless
The jokes aint a gas
You live life in flashbacks
And Gab is an . . . .
XENA: <jumps to her feet and slaps a hand over Altis mouth> Alright, Alti. Ya like horrid filk songs? I got one for ya.
Destroyer of Nations would look good on you
But I wouldnt trust ya to lace up my shoe.
ALTI: Youre wrong not to trust an old shaman like me
I never betrayed you. That was . . . .TPTB.
EXT: Dreamy, wavery shot of Tapert, Sears, Stewart, et al in the background with an ominous musical overlay.
XENA: TPTB. The ones who betrayed me, are they in this fic?
ALTI: Im merely a nut, dear, with a helping hand. Answers wont come here. If you want to know more . . . .demand.
XENA: <screws on her famous scowly-face and stomps out of the room, or as well as an extremely pregnant woman can stomp anyway.>
* * *
EXT: Close up on GABRIELLE as she chutes the chutes and comes out of the earthen tube, falling into a big vat of sewer sludge.
VOICEOVER: Ever changing, this great dung heap of elemental idiocy remaineth forever murky. Because of this, it possesseth the quality of stupidity. From these misguided visions do all shows have their ending.
EXT: A leather-skirted form hangs upside down from a tree. FIGURE reaches into the sewer sludge and pulls GABRIELLE out by the arms, flipping her over into some concealing BUSHES.
GABRIELLE: <from behind a BUSH> The Land of the Dead. Only Amazons wind up here. Dead Amazons. <looks down>Dead, naked Amazons. Dead, naked clueless Amazons who give up their mask because the path theyve chosen doesnt let them do violence against those who would harm the Nation. Come to think of it, am I even an Amazon anymore?
EXT: The sound of a lute being played badly breaks GABRIELLE out of her introspection.
MINYA: Minya the Thespian
Mistress of the Lesbians
I realized when in your play
That I should finally come out gay
And if I should come onto guys
Please smite me right between the eyes
I like your breasts and Xenas thighs
Im Minya .Minya the Thespian!
<beat, faint and echo-y> Youre in Well-lose-ya!
GABRIELLE: <piqued>So much for the Amazon Land of the Dead theory.
MINYA: <materializes behind BUSH with GABRIELLE> Yeaaah.
GABRIELLE: <attempting to cover herself with hands and leaves> Minya! What are you doing here?? Cant you see Im naked?!?!?
MINYA: <wiping drool off her chin> Yeah. I really can, Gabby. And my hormones are surgin.
GABRIELLE: Get outta here. Shoo! <to self>Maybe I can cover myself with a fig leaf or something. <looks around fruitlessly>
MINYA: <grinning> Oh, I can do much better than that for you, Lariel.
GABRIELLE: <green eyes flash> Its Gabrielle, damnit! Ga . . .bri. . .elle!
MINYA: Oh yeah, sure. Sorry, Ga . .bri . .elle. <walks out from behind the BUSH and grabs a saffron robe bearing the mark Made by Hare Krishnas with love> Being naked wont excuse ya. Sing to talk, youre in Well-lose-ya.
* * *
EXT: Shot of the PIG walking up and oinking at a massive wooden door. The door opens, as if by magic.
INT: A huge cavernous room with a bunch of sweaty, half clothed Roman SOLDIERS; all male. <drat>
SOLDIERS:
Hiss the winds of change that blewSeason Four is such a screw
Fightings what they used to do
On Xena
From in Sickness and Hell
To an peacenik Gabrielle
All the fans can do is yell
At Xena
Famed for subtext and for wit
Xena used to be a hit
Now all we can do is spit
At Xena
Shes the Warrior Princess with a sidekick who blows smoke
When we look at the plotlines now all we can do is choke
With more boredom in an hour
Screw the staff Gab, heres a flower
Please come home, Xena
Please come home.
XENA: <looks up onto a dias. A throne is perched atop it, with a befeathered, golden-armored CAESAR, JULIUS CAESAR sitting upon said throne.> Caesar. I thought I smelled the pomade you use on your perfectly coifed hair. Why the snazzy production number? Whats the point?
CAESAR: You were the most divine delicious warrior
Xena
Till Gabrielle done dragged you on her quest
Xena
Now pulling her from wackos is the thing that you do best.
She followed Elis Way and now her staff is gone
Xena
Its now in Greece somewhere gathering moss
Xena
And isnt it ironic that you end up on my cross.
SOLDIERS: We all hate Season Four
Its not what we tuned in for
Pandemonium reigns
Where are Gabrielles brains
We hate season four
All the plots are a bore
Words of wisdom fans have said
"Lose the subtext, lose your head."
We hate season four, four, four.
QUICK CUT TO: Village of Poteidia. Garishly costumed VILLAGERS are seen dancing around maypoles and tossing flower petals in the air while doves coo and crap on the villagers.
GABRIELLE: I know this place. These people. That shop! Im home! Potato-head. No, no. That wasnt it. Potabello? No. Wait a minute. Let me think. Let me think . . . .
VILLAGERS: Ga-brielle. Ga-brielle. Ga-brielle. Ga-brielle.
Oh her marbles she has lost
And our cookies we have tossed
Yes its peace but at what cost
Gabrielle.
Xenas dark sides scaring you
So you go to a guru
Throw your staff away its true
Gabrielle
Youve been acting like a clone of yourself for so long
Wed be grateful if youd ditch that old yellow sarong
Get your old duds and your staff back
Well be happy when you gabwhack
Please come home, Gabrielle
Please come home.
GABRIELLE: <holding a bunch of posies> Lila! Sister! I cant believe it! How long has it been? Oh yeah, you were there when Spikey went to his final reward. <wipes a tear> Oh Spikey, how I miss you.
LILA: Aiden and Najara left their marks on you
Leave that crazy convert in the dust
If your staff had lived
Thered be no blowing smokeACHOO!
VILLAGERS: You and me hate peace
Preachy eps, oh please, just cease
Snore the hour away
Watching Gab run away
We hate peace peace peace
Subtexts hit a big surcease
Whether in or out of bed
Gabs just standing on her head
We all hate peace, peace, peace!
GABRIELLE: <gets put aboard Tobias>
QUICK CUT TO: INT HALLS OF WAR. XENA and CAESAR are riding atop the TROJAN HORSE.
CAESAR: All the scorching glances are now history
Yeah!
Subtext went the way of Gabbys staff
Yeah!
And when I look upon it now
All I can do is laugh
SOLDIERS: We hate season four
All the plots are a bore
Kill the glances
Burn the lust
CAESAR: Season four is such a bust
SOLDIERS: We hate season four, four, four!
QUICK CUT TO: GABRIELLE on Tobias, trotting through the Poteidian Town Square.
LILA: Eli was a friend
He helped you find your Way
Xenas dark side was just scaring you
Take this dove
Its one left over from your play
VILLAGERS: You and me hate peace
Preachy eps, oh please just cease
Sit and watch the scenes scroll by
Xena and Gabrielle die
We all hate peace, peace, peace!
QUICK CUT TO: Halls of War. CAESAR kicks XENA off the TROJAN HORSE and tosses her a sword. SOLDIERS line up in a gauntlet, weapons swinging.
SOLDIERS: We hate four
We hate when Gabby blows smoke in our eyes
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia. Gabrielle has been helped gently off Tobias and the styrofoam Dove of Peace has been thrust into her hands.
VILLAGERS: <unintelligible singing>
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Youve a love you must avenge
On TPTB extract revenge
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: <more unintelligible singing>
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Dont be tossed aside by hubby
Xena we want more hottubby
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Ah~ah~ah
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Ah~ah~ah
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Ah~ah~ah~ah~ah~ah~ah
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Ah~ah~ah
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Ah~ah~ah
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Ah~ah~ah~ah~ah~ah~ah Krishna!
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Eli!
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Krishna!
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Eli!
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Krishna!
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Eli!
QUICK CUT TO: Gauntlet
SOLDIERS: Krishna!
QUICK CUT TO: Poteidia
VILLAGERS: Eli!
INT: Extreme CLOSE UP of two different HANDS on the handles of two different DOORS. DOORS open to reveal XENA and GABRIELLE. Both walk into ROOM.
GABRIELLE: <blows smoke from her compact into XENAs eyes>
XENA: <coughs and steps back, rubbing her eyes> Now what <coff> did ya wanna go and do a thing like that for?
GABRIELLE: <chagrined> It was in the script?
XENA: <hefts her sword> YAAAAAAAA! <slices GABRIELLEs Dove of Peace in two> <smirking> That wasnt.
GABRIELLE: <looks at Xena. Looks down at her Dove of Peace. Back at Xena. Rolls up her eyes and collapses to the floor in a dead faint.>
COMMERCIAL BREAK
INT: ROOM. XENA is kneeling by a fainted GABRIELLE smacking her cheeks lightly.
XENA: Cmon, Gabrielle. It was just a piece of styrofoam, for the gods sake! Ill . . .Ill make you another one. Cmon, wake up. Wake up. Cmon, Gabrielle, wake up. Youre scaring me. Wake up! Wake up and breathe! Dont you leave me! Dont leave me!! <smacks her fist down on GABRIELLEs sternum>
GABRIELLE: <one eye pops slightly open> <sotto voce> Ow.
XENA: <whispered> Sorry. Im still trying for that Emmy.
GABRIELLE: <closes her eye again>
MINYA: <walks in with a tube of Super-glue and tries to glue the Dove of Peace back together again. It falls apart as soon as she hands it back to XENA. She shakes her head slowly.>
CAESAR: <singing> Youre dazed and confused
And I understand
This once beloved show
Has been slain by their hand
You dont recognize
Who youre supposed to be
So lay all the blame on
The Powers That Be
Now Flawless and ROC
With their fans support
Play Amazon Queen
And her gorgeous consort
They love you completely
Whatever may be
So bypass the power
Of T.P.T.B.
CAESAR: <reaches down and draws XENA to her feet. XENAs costume has been changed into that knockout red dress from Stagira (and she still hasnt gone back to pick up the rest of it)>
XENA and CAESAR: <begin to do the Macarena around GABRIELLEs fainted form>
CAESAR: <singing>Theyve proved to themselves
Now that theyve made the kill
That just like New Coke
All this change bears ill will
The show was just meant to be cheesy and fun
The fans are all panicked
Over what has been done
Resurrect season two
And even some three
Write eps like The Quest
And B.T.D.T.
Imagine how awesome
The subtext could be
So bypass the power
Of T.P.T.B.
ALTI: Did that fill you with glee
To slice her little dove
Was it done out of spite
Or only out of love
Who knows?
All this confusion will ruin the show
Yet all they can say is
Who knows.
CAESAR: <smirking>Nothing more need be said. Ding Dong, the show is dead.
INT: CAESAR, ALTI and MINYA fade away.
XENA: <looks at the two pieces of styrofoam in her hands. Eyes tear up.> Ive killed Gabrielles dove.
GABRIELLE: <green eyes pop open> You killed it. <scathing, pitying look>By the gods, Xena. You killed my dove! I knew you had a problem with my Way, but really . . . . A poor, defenseless creature?
XENA: <looks uncomfortable, stumbles to her feet, hands in the cookie jar expression on her face> I . . .I didnt kill it, Gabrielle! It was made of styrofoam! It wasnt real! None of this is real!
GABRIELLE: <brightens> Oh, you mean that this whole season isnt really happening?
XENA: I wish.
INT: Ominous music filters through in the background. A vision forms. Parchments with Xena, dressed in her usual Warrior Princess duds, sword in hand, circled in red with a line through the circle. Likewise, parchments of a long haired Gabrielle, dressed in the BGSB and brown skirt, staff in hand, red circled with a line running through it.
GABRIELLE: What is that?
XENA: Us. Its all about us. Or who we used to be. Someones trying to tell us something.
GABRIELLE: Who? What?
XENA: If I knew, would I be standing here dressed like I was the headline act at Aphrodites Pleasure Palace?
GABRIELLE: Youve got a point.
INT: The PARCHMENTS crackle with lightening. One BOLT flies out and entwines itself around GABRIELLE, caressing her lithe body.
XENA: Hey!!! Back off, buster! If I cant get any, you cant either!
GABRIELLE: <slowly being pulled into the wavery PARCHMENT> Xena! Help!
INT: Light flashes and both women disappear.
CUT TO: INT: XENA and GABRIELLE reappear in AIDENs underground Elysium. Dead birds, dead rabbits and macerated flower petals are strewn along the ground, bearing mute testimony to XENAs previous rage.
XENA: <sotto voce> Great. A million places to go on this square earth and they have to pick this one. <aloud> Everything about this "Well-lose-ya" place has been bright and cheery. But this is like a really bad acid trip. Its meant to confuse us.
GABRIELLE: <to self>Brilliant analysis, Plato. <aloud> What if youre wrong.
XENA: Have I been wrong once this season?
GABRIELLE: Theres always a first time, Xena.
XENA: Oh yeah, back to that not sharing my vision spiel again, are we? Well get off it, Gabrielle. Its not like Im enjoying this ride any more than you are! <squeezing her eyes tightly shut, XENA brings her hands up to her face. When she draws them away, we see shes sporting hideously large rabid rabbit teeth>
GABRIELLE: Whats happening? Xena, your dark side is scaring me again! <finds herself thrown, belly down, onto the ground. Her legs crook up at the knees, stretching her torso>
XENA: Its us. Or, rather its you. Falling for gurus left and right when you could have just come to me with your problems! <hands go up again, and yellow, cats eye contact lenses are revealed.>
GABRIELLE: There you go again, blaming me for everything! Do you think I like being duped by every Thomas, Perdicus and Harryus who comes down the pike? <her upper torso arches up off the ground, her neck arches back so that her feet are almost touching her head>
XENA: <now sporting a frizzy black fright wig to go with the rest of her ensemble> Gabrielle, its the WRITERS and PRODUCERS!
GABRIELLE: <now turning a ghastly shade of blue> TPTB?
XENA: Yes! Every time we let them lead us on their vision, things get worse!!! Tell me how you feel! Right now! Nothing about this season. Right now!!
GABRIELLE: Well actually, this whole body stretch thing is really invigorating, but the blue has got to go. It clashes with my yellow sari.
XENA: <glares. Several more birds fall from the denuded trees around the duo>
GABRIELLE: <chagrined> Oh, yeah, right. Sorry. <looks at the script on the astroturf beneath her> Um . . .<ahem> "I hurt inside. Dont you?"
XENA: <singing> Our parts are hurting beyond words
The Powers are tearing up the show
These days have seen the subtext die
Our lives propelled out of control
My bathroom habits lie naked to the world
Ive never felt so damn exposed
This damaged show can never heal
Until this acid trip is hosed.
GABRIELLE: <lip-synching> Our parts are hurting beyond words
The Powers are tearing up the show
Please tell me how I can retrieve
The Gabrielle I used to know?
Because of them this happened
Because they had to carry out
Their evil little plans
XENA: <singing> Its they who should feel guilty
Because of them subtext is dead
Its blood is on their hands
GABRIELLE: <lip-synching> If only they had never brought us here
XENA: <singing> If only they had done as they were told
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> Its they who should be blamed
XENA: <singing> And they should be ashamed!
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> Its their fault!
XENA: <singing> Yes it is!
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> How could they?
XENA: <shouting> How could they?!?!
INT: The PARCHMENTS are back again, seemingly hanging in mid air. Suddenly a great explosion rocks our duo and fireballs shoot out of the PARCHMENTS, grabbing GABRIELLE by her ankles.
GABRIELLE: Its RJ! Xena, help!!!
XENA: Great. Hes always the one who kills us off. Hang on, Gabrielle! Im coming!
VOICEOVER: BZZZZZZT. Use of banned wink-wink, nudge-nudge subtext.
INT: Multiple explosions. Fiery tendrils envelop both XENA and GABRIELLE. Both women disappear.
CUT TO: INT: The ubiquitous wooded area from A Family Affair. XENA and GABRIELLE reappear. GABRIELLEs hair is long again and shes dressed in her BGSB and carrying her staff. XENA is back in her usual leathers.
GABRIELLE: <looking around> This is it. This is where it all started.
XENA: <eyebrow arched> What do you mean? I thought you went to a hospice first.
GABRIELLE: <snorting> Dream on. There never was any hospice, Xena. One minute Im falling into a lava pit screaming your name and the next minute, poof!, Im walking in these woods wondering just what in Tartarus happened.
XENA: But Gabrielle, there were two Sin Trades episodes and half of A Family Affair before you even showed up!
GABRIELLE: <Texan twang>Yeah, but I was filming Rubbernecking at the time, so that doesnt count.
XENA: <Kiwi accent>Rubbernecking??? I spent months searching for you in the bloody freezing rain, falling into a depression so profound I had to rely on self help tapes to get me out of it, and you were filming something about rubber necks???
GABRIELLE: <shrugs> The pay was good.
XENA: <back to Xena voice>Great. <looks around> Ok, what idiot put us in this setting?
EXT: Diabolical laughter sounds.
VOICE: <singing> He begins very small
Gives us nothing much at all
Not a word, not a thought, not a plan
But the seeds have been sown
And before he knows theyve grown
He will manage to lose every fan
And his vision will strangle your love and your joy
For the almighty dollar
Your lives hell destroy
XENA: Rob, Gabrielle. Hes singing about Rob!
EXT: XENA and GABRIELLE find themselves upon crosses. GABRIELLE is dressed in her pearl outfit from Devi, complete with bad skin fungus while XENA is dressed in the psycho-bunny costume from Paradise Found, screaming lice jumping from her head.
CUT TO: EXT: From behind various trees, cloaked figures emerge. Pulling down their cowls, STEVE SEARS (played by Robert Trebor), ROB TAPERT (played by Bruce Campbell), and RJ STEWART (played by Ted Raimi) are revealed, each bearing evil, maniacal smiles and red pens.
SS, RT, RJ: Rob is the star
He decides who you are
Not the Queen nor the great warrior
Oh no, something sorrier
Hell give you head lice
Deconstruct you and twist you out
Robs gonna win
That theres no doubt about
He doesnt care who you are
Rob is the star!
Oh Rob says he knows art
And we know hes really smart
SS: Hes da bomb!
RJ: Hes the king!
RT: Im the best!
SS,RT,RJ: He will swallow you whole
No the fans aint in control
SS: If you shout
RJ: Hell send Gab
RT: On a quest!
SS,RT,RJ: Oh his dreams and his visions
Of subtext undone
Say farewell to Xena
For Tapert has won!
VOICE: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
XENA: <singing> I never dreamed that wed be twisted in these shapes
That all the lust we had would go
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> No scorching glances
XENA: <singing> How did it come to pass this awful twist of fate
His madness will just grow
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> No more romances
XENA: <singing> I never dreamed that Id see pity in your eyes
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> Or that on crosses would we say our last good-byes
XENA: <singing> Our parts are hurting both the same
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> The hurt was tearing up our souls
XENA: <singing>The trust in Rob has made us blind
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> We could not see beyond the pain
XENA: <singing>If we could just grab back the reins
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> If we can heal these open wounds
XENA: <singing>Well leave his madness far behind
GABRIELLE: <lip synching> So not a trace of him remains
XENA and GABRIELLE: <singing> Well overcome this damaged show
And well repair things side by side
Remake the X and G we know
Well make Rob run away and hide!
VOICE: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <flies off>
INT: As the nails pop loose and free our duo, the cloaked figures of ROB, RJ and STEVE explode into little tiny pieces. By the time XENA and GABRIELLE hit the ground, theyre dressed in their old, familiar costumes. They embrace hurriedly before they look up to see blinking NEON SIGNS spring into existence all around the GROVE. The signs read: "EXIT THIS-A-WAY", "WERE SORRY!", "ITLL BE ALL BETTER, WE PROMISE!!" The duo follow the trail of blinking SIGNS until they come to a cave mouth closed off with a GAUZY CURTAIN. Above the cave mouth, another garish red blinking NEON SIGN reads: "ENTRANCE TO SEASON FIVE, WHERE ALL IS AS IT WAS BEFORE". XENA and GABRIELLE attempt to get past the GAUZY CURTAIN, only to find their progress repelled. As they look through the curtain, they see scenes of SEASON FIVE: GABRIELLEs hair is still short, shes still staff-less and wearing her Mehndi and yellow sari. XENA, hugely pregnant, still looks very pensive about her choices in life. A SHADOWY FIGURE stands amidst the scenes, head thrown back in laughter. Something about the FIGURE looks familiar, but XENA cant put her finger on it.
GABRIELLE: They lied. They gave us their word, and they lied.
INT: From behind TREES come hundreds of HARDCORE NUTBALLS, bearing the bound and gagged bodies of the real ROB TAPERT, STEVE SEARS and RJ STEWART.
HCNBs: <singing> Yes they lied
They thought they could protect us from the truth
They hid behind lip service
Plot to kill a chewin tooth.
That they could really will it
Was a bit uncouth.
They were wrong
They wore false masks to cover their deceit
But underneath it all
They couldnt keep away our doubt
Now theyre left without their masks
And these questions we must ask
Why must you all be such big hexters?
Why call us deluded subtexters?
Oh tell us great Powers
As only you can
Must Xena and Gab
Fornicate every man?
Please tell us and youll discover too
That subtext lives inside each of you.
Our dear Robert
Youve got to know that youre the one to blame
You dont know that the days of the show are so few
If you only knew
With us you wouldnt screw
Are you sorry?
This isnt quite the season we deserve
Do you have regrets that you missed our pleas and our words
That you never heard
Now it seems absurd
Should we forgive you?
Open up our hearts and let you in
No matter how far south this seasons gone
Theres that thing called hope that lingers on
And what we need from you
Is to
Please help us, please guide us, please listen
We only want X and G kissin
Please upright this ship
As only you could
Let Xena and Gab fight for the greater good
Please help us
And youll discover too
That the Xenites will help all of you.
EXT: MUSIC fades away and the HCNBs push ROB, STEVE and RJ forward before XENA and GABRIELLE. The mens eyes are enormous and their cheeks are puffed from trying to beg through their gags.
GABRIELLE: <looks at XENA> Well? What do ya think? Should we forgive em?
XENA: <looks at GABRIELLE> <a beat> Nah. <draws her sword>
GABRIELLE: <feral grin> Cool. This peacenik stuff is way overrated. <hefts her staff>
XENA: <feral grin> Ha. Ha. Very punny. CHIIIIIIAAAAAHHHHHH!
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THE FOLLOWING SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED TO PROTECT THE READERS FROM THE GRAPHIC VIOLENCE DISPLAYED THEREIN
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EXT: XENA and GABRIELLE step over the BLOODY, MANGLED CORPSES and easily slip through the GAUZY CURTAIN keeping them away from SEASON FIVE.
CUT TO: EXT: A quiet, sunlit grove. A FIGURE stands looking into a small pond.
GABRIELLE: <eyes widen> Callisto!! It was you! You did this to us!
CALLISTO: <turns with her trademark grin> Well, hello, Gabrielle. <coy> Love what youve done with your hair. <juts out one hip while fingering the hollow of her neck> So tell me, been to any good crucifixion sites lately? Hmmm?
GABRIELLE: <growls while hefting her staff>
XENA: <gently restrains GABRIELLE while slipping past her> Hello, Callisto.
CALLISTO: <wide, lustful grin> Hello, my pretty. I must say, youre looking good enough to eat, as always.
XENA: <eyes narrow> Cut the crap, Callisto. Why are you here? Oblivion wasnt good enough for you?
CALLISTO: <twirls a lock of her short hair with one finger while her lower lip sticks out petulantly.> No, it wasnt. Nothing but emptiness as far as the eye could see. <fake shiver> Thats no fun for a girl like me. <grin> So I called in a favor from an old . . .friend. <shrug> He let me mess around with your lives a little and in return, I didnt scratch his eyes out.
GABRIELLE: <sotto voce> Some deal.
CALLISTO: <glances at GABRIELLE> Wasnt it though? <back to XENA. Coy grin> So . . . howd you like it?
XENA: <reaches for sword> Cal-listo . . . . .
GABRIELLE: Xena, wait. Shes not worth it.
XENA: <a beat> <releases her grip on her sword and shoves it back in the scabbard.>
CALLISTO: <nodding wisely> Still letting the ol ball and chain make the decisions I see.
XENA: <snarls soundlessly> <a beat> So, why all this then? If you were having so much fun fooling around in our lives, why stop now? Whats the point?
CALLISTO: The point? Well, the point, my dear Xena, is that, quite frankly, it got boring! <sing-song> Same old plot-lines every week, every week. <stomps foot> Its not fair! I thought for sure that the second time your precious little Gabrielle fell for the guru-of-the-week, youd send her packing. <grin> It almost worked, too. <imitates Najara> "Gabrielle belongs with me, Xena. Youll only hurt her." <wicked grin> Brilliant, dont you agree? <confidentially> I told her to say that, ya know.
XENA: <shakes head. Spreads hands> So. What now?
CALLISTO: Now? <fingers lips> Well, ya know? I never really thought about that. <leer> I know what Id like to do.
XENA: In your dreams.
CALLISTO: There too. <winks> <dramatic sigh> Oh well, I suppose Ill just have to let you go.
GABRIELLE: Let us go? Just like that?
CALLISTO: Does your little girlfriend have a hearing problem, Xena? <to GABRIELLE, false smile> Yes dear. Just like that. <to XENA> But dont think its for good. I miss you much too much when youre gone. <snaps fingers>
EXT: EXTREME CLOSE UP of three bloody CORPSES.
CALLISTO: <wickedly> In the meantime, I think Ill have a bit of fun with my new playmates.
XENA: <raises eyebrow> What are you gonna do with them?
CALLISTO: <winks> Oh, Im sure Ill think of something. Ok you two, off you go. Dont be strangers. <waves hand>
EXT: XENA and GABRIELLE disappear.
QUICK CUT TO: EXT: XENA and GABRIELLE reappear, embracing as they lay in a gentle surf.
GABRIELLE: Did we do it? Are we home?
XENA: <looks around> Sure looks like it.
GABRIELLE: <smiles>
XENA: What are ya grinnin at?
GABRIELLE: <grin deepens> Shut up and kiss me.
EXT: The couple embraces and begins a kiss to span eternity, using the stored up energy of twenty two harrowing episodes as the screen begins to
FADE TO BLACK
TAG: The screen changes color to a deep, misty red. Wavery figures are seen writhing in torment. Groans of pain are heard.
SEARS: Oh god, no! Not another fish joke!! Im doomed to spend eternity writing fish jokes!!!
TAPERT: <groaning> Lucy, honey. Not again, baby. Arent forty two children enough for one family?
STEWART: <screaming> ARRRGGGHHHH!!! Subtext!!!! All I can write is SUBTEXT!!!!
The scene fades out on STEWARTs laugh interspersed with CALLISTOs insane cackle.
Finis: Until season five.