The Personals
(September 29, 1997)
by Bongo Bear
(bongobear@hotmail.com)
Janice Covington carefully scrutinized the scroll she held in her gloved hands. The well-preserved ancient document was unusually large for its time. "Perhaps it's some kind of public service announcement," she thought to herself. "Oh whatever it is, I'm sure Melinda will make some sense out of it."
Later that night, the associate professor of Ancient Greek carefully noted in her personal journals a rough translation of the unusual scroll...
REFORMED
warlord seeks redemption. Was bad to the bone, now wants into Elysian Fields! Seeks innocent soul as guide. Callisto, will you ever forgive and forget? 555-xena
BORED SILLY farmer's daughter. Seeks adventure. Willing to travel. Provides own transportation. Needs a hero to worship. 555-bard
BEAUTIFUL BUT DEADLY former warlord. Tall, dark, and brooding 30 something seeks soul mate to share campfire and bedroll. Could you be the one? No wimps need apply. 555-xena
NOT SO INNOCENT bard. Cute and perky, 20 some-thing strawberry-blonde will talk your ear off. Secret leather fetish. Call me and I'm yours. 555-bard
AMAZON QUEEN needs a consort and champion. Wants protection from former Amazon queen turned crazed goddess. Prior military experience a plus. Big, bad warlords a major plus! 555-bard.
WARLORD without an army, pillaging and looting days are over. Need a good sword arm? Brilliant strategist? Killer battle cry? Aiyiyiyiyi! That's me. 555-xena.
VOLUPTOUS woman wears leather and a breast plate like nobody's business. Kicks butt with a smile. Looking for bdsm playmate. Need a good spanking? Bend over and I'll oblige. 555-xena.
SWEET YOUNG THANG, full of romantic notions and naughty thoughts. Needs guidance from ex-perienced lover. Oh baby, take me home with you tonight! I'll bring the ropes. You bring the whip. 555-bard.
SHOWERS! HOT SHOWERS! Come to Crete for the vacation of your lifetime. Showers for one thin dinar a minute. Bring your loved ones, make their dreams come true! Room and board not included.
Janice and Melinda laid together in bed after a long night of translating the scroll. They held each other closely as they ruminated over their findings.
"What did you think of that last item?" Melinda asked. The bespectacled woman could think of nothing else but the scroll that night.
"You mean the famed hot showers of Crete? Probably a tourist trap. I'd take you in a long, hot bubble bath over a quickie in a shower any day."
A long silence passed until Melinda asked the woman snuggled up in her arms, "Do you think they ever found happiness together?"
"I really don't know. They were certainly searching for each other, even if they didn't realize it. All I know is that love is wherever you find it. Sometimes it sneaks up on you and the next thing you know, BAM! You're head over heels and falling hard."
"Like us?"
"Yes, like us."
FINIS
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