(July 14, 1998)

by Bongo Bear
(bongobear@hotmail.com)

Being the most mighty of warriors in his own mind and terribly fond of virgins down lower, Joxer stumbled to the poor women's aid. He broke down the temple door to find several young acolytes menaced by a large bucktoothed rat sporting razor sharp claws and a nasty attitude. The women stood on top of anything they could find: chairs, tables, windowsills, and screamed and whined at the top of their lungs, "Oh, help me, save me! Will a big strong man come rescue me???"

Joxer, encouraged by the cries of helpless women in dire need, deepened his voice to a throaty baritone and answered, "I'm your man." Thrusting out his chest, he proclaimed, "Never fear, my dear ladies. I will quickly dispatch this horrid rodent." He deftly spiked the rat through the heart and tossed the bloody, still writhing body through an open window and onto the kitchen midden.

The grateful women leapt down from their various perches and took turns group-hugging Joxer. He was really eating it up, too. By the time the virgins finished hugging and kissing him, he was covered with red lipstick stains from head to toe, with teasingly short, but thankfully uneventful detours to someplace in the middle.

A sudden loud crack disrupted the impromptu celebration. Everyone looked up to see the statue of the temple goddess rise creakily from her seated position and cross her arms disdainfully. All of the temple virgins immediately knelt with their heads bowed low. Joxer stood there like a deer caught in headlights. Or was it chariot lights? Anyway, the goddess focused her fearsome gaze on her acolytes. She said, "You women will do anything to get a man! I'll deal with you later." Then she turned to the warrior wannabe. "Hera's tits, couldn't you have done better than this one?"

To which Joxer intoned, "Hey, just wait one furkin' minute there."

And to which the goddess waved her hand and a gag appeared in his mouth.

"Now that's settled. Even though you were fooled into coming into my temple, you did act on good faith. You chose to conquer your natural instincts to run away and instead saved someone in need. That deserves some recognition, some reward. What shall it be?" The goddess caressed her chin with her forefinger and thumb.

Joxer mumbled through the gag. "You want to say something?" She waved her hand again and the gag disappeared.

Joxer coughed out, "Three wishes, please."

The goddess' left eyebrow twitched upwards, peaked then settled back down. "Alright, I grant you three wishes to be used within the next twenty-four hours. Not

valid in conjunction with other wishes granted by any other god or goddess or supernatural being. Only redeemable through me or one of my temple representa-tives. Void where prohibited."

"Thank you, thank you, great Lady," Joxer said sincerely. "By the way, who are you?"

"What? You don't know who I am?" she exclaimed indignantly. "Why, I'm the goddess Viagra."

"Oh please!" From out of the clear blue a feminine voice said contemptuously, "You wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she threw herself at your feet."

At the sound of that scornful voice, Joxer whirled on his bunioned heel and clumsily drew his sword. He slashed his weapon vainly through air, hoping to hit his unseen opponent. "Who, who's there? Show yourself!" "Chill Jockstrap. It's just little ole me, 'Dite." The goddess of Love appeared before him in a golden flash of light. "Watch where you point that tool of yours." She directed the tip of his sword away from her nose. "Normally, I'd have to hurt you for threatening me like that. Lucky for you, that's not my style. Now if I were Ares --"

"I know, I know. I'd be toast."

"No, I was thinking of an unplanned circumcision."

Joxer gave Aphrodite a puzzled look. "Are you here just to belittle my manhood?"

"Moi? I would never do that. No need to." Aphrodite not so subtly adjusted her ample cleavage with a hand to either side of her breasts as if she were the brunt of the insult. Joxer thought about that comment for a minute then narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

Ignoring his glare, Aphrodite chattered on. "Nope, I'm here because you did my cousin, Viagra, a real favor back there." The goddess pointed over her shoulder toward the temple. "She and I talked and decided that I would grant you one of your three wishes. Today's your lucky day, warrior-boy. Whaddya want?"

This was certainly a turn of events for Joxer, Warrior Wannabe. The gods actually owed him a favor. No, no, can't be too greedy. Gotta at least act humble, he thought to himself. After several long minutes, long enough for Aphrodite to file and polish her nails twice, he made his decision.

"By the way, your wish has got to rhyme."

"Rhyme? Why?"

"I'm just in the mood for a little poetic justice." She quickly corrected herself, "I mean poetry today. So, what's it going to be?"

Clearing his throat, he said, "Great Lady, I beseech you. Please fulfill my deepest desire." Aphrodite yawned and rolled her hand to keep him moving. "Give me three naked Gabrielles dancing by the fire."

The goddess' delicate eyebrows rose up slightly upon hearing his request. "Oh what the heck. Three fantasy Gabbies coming right up." She snapped her fingers and -- Poof! Three identical Gabrielles appeared before him. They were as naked as the day they were born but considerably more mature and well developed. A campfire magically lit up behind them, highlighting their shimmering curvaceous figures. Then they began to dance sensuously around Joxer. He stood there slack-jawed as he watched his masturbatory fantasy slink around him in triplicate.

As she surveyed her handiwork, the goddess smirked at Joxer's stunned reaction. "Are you sure this is what you want?" she asked.

"Are you kidding? This is a dream come true!" Joxer responded, never taking his eyes away from the dancing women.

"It's not everyday your wishes are granted, Warrior-boy. Hope you can handle them," Aphrodite said with a conspiratorial wink. Then she blinked out of existence. Joxer hardly noticed the goddess' departure.

Wiping away the drool hanging from his chin, he drew his arms around the nearest dancing girl and pulled her close to him. He whispered into her ear his most perverse and lascivious intentions.

"Leather straps," he cooed.

"Ooooh," she moaned.

"On all fours," he breathed.

"Ahhh," she groaned.

"Gerbils," he chirped.

"Eh?" She wondered if he had a rodent fixation. He wondered if she was Canadian.

"Nevermind, I'll explain about the gerbil later," Joxer said.

He turned to her and thrust his slimy tongue into her ear. She playfully slapped him silly and pranced daintily away only to be replaced by her triplet. One by one, each version of Gabrielle taunted him with longing looks and teasing caresses.

"Do me, mighty warrior," the first Gabrielle breathed.

"No, me first," the second one cried as she shoved the first one away.

"No, no. Me!" the third one demanded as she prostrated herself before him.

"Ladies, you'll each get your turn. No need to fight over little ole me," Joxer said magnanimously.

He sighed contentedly under his fantasy's ministrations. He unbuckled his pants and let them fall to his ankles, revealing his tattered boxer shorts to the whole of the known world. You could still make out the faded yellow happy face licking its lips across the crotch. He reached into the folded opening in front and searched for his manhood. His face grew alarmed then relieved as he finally extracted the bit of flesh. The three naked Gabrielles tittered when they saw him with his pale little friend in hand. Joxer's leering grin slowly faded to a scowl as the women's polite laughter went on and on and on.

He looked down at his manhood. Already withered from disuse, it shrank even further under the women's mocking stares. He groaned and made his second wish.

His head popped up when he saw flash of light out of the corner of his eye. Which god is it this time, he wondered. In all her glory, Viagra appeared with a vial in her hand. She poured out a tiny blue pill into her palm and gave it to Joxer. "One of these will help you satisfy any woman, warrior. This is your reward." She gave him the entire vial and disappeared without a trace.

One tiny, teeny-weeny pill. Three lively, vivacious women. Three naked, lustful women. They danced, they teased, they shimmied all for him and him alone. Joxer did the math on his fingers and toes, then swallowed six pills in one greedy gulp. At first he felt nothing. He was about to curse the gods for their cruelty when an unmistakable throb made its presence known.

*****

"Ma, that's a cruel trick to play on that poor man!" Cupid said as he watched the man and three matching mortals boinking like Bonobo chimps. Unbeknownst and invisible to the mortals, Cupid and Aphrodite sat perched in a nearby tree. Not that Joxer or any of the Gabrielles would have taken notice anyway. They had been pounding and sweating for hours.

"Sure it was. He deserved it. That... that... that Joxer has been lusting after Gabby for waaaay too long. She's meant for Xena and no one else. Joxer the Mighty," she sang, "was mucking up my plans for the Warrior Princess and the bard. Besides, I'm doing him a favor. You know what happens to men who fall for the real Gabster."

"You mean?"

"Yup, I paint their shirts red."

"Ma, you give love a bad name."

Joxer laid flat on his back with an incredibly goofy grin plastered on his face. He'd had more sex in the last few hours than in his entire life, not counting the solitary sessions with Mr. Hand. He sighed contentedly as he gazed down at his happy member. It saluted him smartly as it swayed to and fro in the gentle breeze.

He was amazed at the strength of Viagra's potion. His little friend's resolve stayed firm long after Joxer satisfied even his bottomless needs. In fact, he was ready to call it quits when Gabrielle Three crawled over his prone body and began planting small intimate kisses all over his hairless pale chest. As she neared the center of Joxer's universe, he began to moan. He protested not from the sheer pleasure of his predicament, but from pain. He'd had too much of a good thing.

"Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Please stop. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I've got to rest. Perhaps after a good night's sleep, we can start again," he said with an ingratiating smile on his lips. He nodded slowly hoping that his made-to-order love slaves would agree with him.

"No furkin' way!" Gabrielle One screamed. "We want it now!" She grabbed the vial of Viagra's tiny pills, pried Joxer's mouth open, and poured the remaining tablets down his gullet. Gabrielle Two pinned his arms down, rendering him completely helpless. Gabrielle Three clamped his mouth firmly shut and pinched his nose, forcing him to swallow those pills if he wanted to breath again. He tried to hold out, but his soon lungs burned for oxygen. He swallowed.

Almost immediately, his vision blurred and the scene took on a distinctly bluish tinge. To his drug-glazed eyes, the three Gabrielles looked like obscenely leering Smurfs without the cute hats. They shed Gabrielle's fiery golden mane for their own platinum blonde tresses. Looks of unadulterated lust displaced their cherubic demeanors. Even though the transformation back to their true natures was now complete, each demon still wore Gabrielle's face.

For Joxer, love had turned ugly. They descended upon him like the voluptuous blue demons they were: the Succubi of Brizo, the Goddess of Sleep. Legend has it that Brizo's demons come to men in their dreams and steal their essence. But this man was still awake. So, they produced shackles and stakes from the air itself and bound poor Joxer spread eagle. The demons positioned themselves around their hapless victim and prepared to feast. With his last breath, Joxer made his third and final wish.

Gabrielle surged forward with her trusty staff, intent on beating the demonic women away from Joxer. Xena reached out and pulled her over eager friend back, saying to her, "He's in no immediate danger. Besides, it's dangerous to interrupt the Ladies of Brizo during one of their sacred rituals. If we interfere now, he could die." So they watched with rapt fascination as each woman bent to her task and withdrew with an evil grin upon her face.

After several blood-curdling screams and a whole lot of begging on Joxer's part, the ancient ritual finally reached its climax. One by one, the women drifted into the primeval forest. Joxer laid there with his eyes closed, his body fully exposed and quivering uncontrollably, and the center of all the attention was completely and utterly spent. Our heroes approached him tentatively. His face was as pallid as ever and a thin sheen of sweat covered his body. Gabrielle fell to her knees at his side while Xena struck his bonds from the stakes.

Once freed, Joxer sighed a cry of relief, "Thank the Gods! Rescued at last!" He opened his eyes to Gabrielle's gentle countenance hovering over his own. She leaned in close and placed her hand on his feverish forehead. He recoiled in abject horror. He scuttled backwards like a startled crab, away from her touch, exclaiming, "Oh my god, it's you! Stay away, stay away." Finding the strength to flee, he scrambled to his feet and streaked into the woods.

Our heroes watched in utter astonishment as the pale naked figure retreated deeper and deeper into the forest. They looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Will he be okay?"

"I think so. He'll come back. He won't get far without these," Xena said as she kicked up the discarded happy face boxer shorts with the toe of her boot.

"Shouldn't we wait until he returns?"

"Nah, if we stay, he'll just be embarrassed." Xena turned to leave.

"Xena?" Gabrielle asked as they started to walk away.

"Yes, dear?"

The bard knelt down and swept up a small object covered with an awful sticky goo. She dangled it in front of Xena's face.

"What were they doing with this gerbil?"

"I don't want to think about it." A thoroughly disgusted looked crawled over Xena's face.

"I think he's kinda cute," Gabrielle said brightly.

"Who? Joxer?"

"No, silly, this little gerbil. I'm gonna clean him up and keep him right here." She patted the top of her deep, dark warm cleavage.

"Oh, he's going to love it there," Xena smiled.

This story ends with all being right with the world once more. And far, far above the fray, the mighty gods of Olympus were very well pleased indeed.

FINIS