Standard Disclaimer - These characters, most of them, belong to Universal, and Renaissance Pictures, and whoever else has a stake in Xena: Warrior Princess. This is written just in fun, and no copyright infringement was intended.
Specific Story Disclaimers:
Violence Violence - yes, there will be violence of a moderately graphic nature in this story.
Emotional distress - I have to put in a disclaimer here for this, because this story, unlike most of my other stories, is an extremely dark one. There is not a whole lot of humor here, and most everyone ends up not being happy through most of the story. IF you're looking for a warm and fuzzy tale, this ain't it. You might want to give this one a miss.
Subtext - As in all my stories, this one is based on the premise of two people who are very much in love with each other. They happen to both be women. There is no graphically depicted action here.. but if the thought of this gives you a problem, find a different story to read. There are lots of very good general fiction Xena stories that can be found on Xeno's page.
I'm not offering any goodies for the phobes this time round. But if you feel like I've beaten you over the head with angst in this one, then send me your snail mail address, and I'll forward over some Girl Scout Original Mint cookies, and some milk. That always makes me feel better.
Any and all comments are always welcome. You can email them to:
Darkness Falls - Part 1
By Melissa Good
It was a quiet campsite. The ring of trees around it shielded it's inhabitants from the worst of the evening wind, but little whirls kept the fire snapping fitfully, and stirred the leaves which shifted against each other as though whispering secrets.
Outside the fire's ring of light, a horse cropped grass idly, her golden coat catching barest hints of silver as she moved in and out of the moonlight, searching for tastier clumps of grass. Every once in a while, her head would lift, and she would turn her round, liquid eyes towards the two women seated within the camp, then go back to chewing.
A reddish blond woman sat cross-legged nearer the fire, with a bound parchment balanced on her bare legs. She wore a dun colored wraparound skirt, with an intricately tooled belt, and a brief leaf green halter-top, which matched the color of her eyes.
Across from her was a much taller, dark haired woman dressed in dark brown leather, whose attention was focused intently on a bit of brass armor being reshaped in her hands. A low rattle sounded from near the fire, and she glanced up, then put her task down and stood, walking to the fire and dropping down to a crouch, taking up a small pot of boiling water and pouring it's contents into two mugs balanced on a flat rock.
She paused, waiting patiently for the herbs to steep, and using the fragrance lifting from the brew to judge it's readiness. After a few minutes, she stirred a bit of honey into both, and stood, crossing to where the fair haired woman sat, and handing down the cup.
Gabrielle looked up and took the offered tea, with a tentative smile. "Thanks."
Xena smiled back, and nodded, then went back to her spot, and picked up the armor bit again, settling down on the ground with a soft sigh.
Very aware of the green eyes that watched her. And of the silence.
Gabrielle gazed sadly at her firelit companion, then put her cup down, and resumed her quill, staring down at her diary unhappily, rereading her recently finished entry.
I don't worry about Tartarus much, anymore. They can't come up with anything worse than what I.. what we've been through this time.
I'm not going to sit here and assign blame.. it would be useless, and I think we both know that. I made some really bad decisions, she made some really bad decisions.
We paid for it. Dearly.
We gave up peace, and happiness, a good part of both of our souls, and very probably.. a unique friendship. The only thing left is the love between us. But we paid a big price for that, too.
Because every time I look at her, it hurts. To know what we did to each other, how it felt. What I felt. What we lost.
She will never trust me again. Oh.. sure, for most things. Day to day stuff, normal stuff, sure. But when I look into her eyes, I don't see into her soul like I used to. Now there are barriers there against me, and the worst thing is, I can't blame her for them.
As for me.. well, there's no safe place anymore, is there? The one thing I knew I KNEW.. that I believed in more than anything else.. was that she would never knowingly hurt me.
She has. With a brutality that I always knew she was capable of, but swore, in the depths of my soul I would never seen turned against me and I was wrong. I've never been afraid of her, but now I am, and she knows it.
I see it in her eyes when she looks at me. It hurts when I remember when there used to be laughter lurking back there. When I remember calling her my playmate. When she used to smile, and tickle me just because.
Not any more. We're very.. careful.. with each other. Like there's something really fragile, that might break.
We love each other. That's about the only thing I have left. I'm glad that survived, but sometimes that makes it even worse because I can remember what it used to be like between us, and now..
I miss my best friend.
I wonder if we'll ever find that again.
She closed the diary, and set her quill down on it, then took a swallow of the cooling tea, smiling sadly as the taste of mint filled her mouth. She looked up across the too quiet campfire, and caught Xena staring into the flames, her armor bit forgotten in one hand, and a dull, lost expression on her face. "Hey." She called softly.
Blue eyes gone almost violet in the firelight turned hesitatingly her way. 'Mm?"
"Dinar for your thoughts." The bard replied quietly.
Xena's gaze fell to her hands, which were twisting the armor bit around. "Not worth a dinar, Gabrielle." The warrior stood, and dusted her hands off, flipping the bit up and catching it again before walking over to her saddlebag and tucking it away. She hesitated, one hand on the hilt of her sword, and stared off into the surrounding darkness for a long moment.
'Xena?" Gabrielle felt herself choosing her words carefully, and spared a wistful thought back to a time when she hadn't needed to.
The warrior turned her head, and glanced over. "Yes?"
The bard felt like she was walking on eggshells, and hated it. "Listen.. you.. look a little tired.. why don't you give that a miss tonight, and just kinda take it easy?" Resolutely, she battled down her discomfort, and concentrated on the fact that she had a right to be saying this.
Xena's eyes studied her face for a long silent moment, then a faint grin edged her lips. "You're right." She admitted quietly. "That's a good idea." Almost with an air of relief, she stood up, and walked around to the other side of their joint bedroll, dropping down onto it, and starting to remove her leg armor with a sigh.
Gabrielle rolled onto her back, and carefully reached for the rear strapping, conscious of how Xena's leg stilled as she touched her. She unbuckled the worn clasp, then reached under Xena's knees to get the other one, finally giving the warrior's calf a little pat. "Ok."
"Thanks." Xena's voice floated down, as she waited for Gabrielle to roll clear before she removed the armor, and set it aside. Then she lay back, with her head resting on her folded cloak, and gazed up, at the explosion of stars overhead.
The bard watched her silent profile for a moment, then let her gaze drop the sleeping fur, where her fingers were idly playing with the surface. "Wonder how Ares is?" She asked softly, thinking of their tame wolf, left behind in Amphipolis before they'd gone overseas.
Xena cleared her throat a little before answering. "I'm sure mom's taking care of him." She turned her head a little so that Gabrielle's face was in her field of vision, but didn't look directly at her. "He'll be fine."
"I miss him." Gabrielle felt tears coming, along with the knowledge that it wasn't just her pet she was missing. Ares meant home, and family, and happier times.
Xena's jaw clenched tightly, the muscles in bold relief against the firelight. "So do I.' She finally said, in a very low voice, then closed her eyes. "Good night, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle let the tears fall silently for a while, wetting the soft fur under her cheek, her eyes studying the familiar face next to her. She wearily allowed her gaze to gently absorb the sight of her companion, though she jerked past the fading scar on the warrior's neck as she always did.
The gentle tinkle of beads, and the scent of opium had permeated the bedroom, and she had lain, heart pounding wildly as she'd sensed Xena's nearing presence.
So many things were going through her mind. Her desperate choice, the bargain she'd struck with Ming Tien, her fragile, haunting hope that Xena would just realize she'd done this for the right reasons.
If she'd closed her eyes, she could have almost felt the gentle pressure of the warrior's lips on her head as they'd parted at the docks, Xena's gaze sad, but understanding when she'd told her she couldn't go with her. Couldnt face the thought of watching Xena slide back into the darkness. Couldnt cope with the growing distance between them, since Britannia.
Since she'd lied. Since she'd had to make the soul tearing decision between her daughter and her soulmate. And she'd done it, casting Hope from her in the desperate attempt to save her life, knowing Xena would.. could.. kill her.
She'd given Hope a chance, but that knowledge had driven a wedge between them, and she'd felt it. Knew Xena had felt it, knew it in the haunting sadness in the eyes across from her during the long sea voyage back home.
Now the message, and her single minded purpose, and that story of hatred and betrayal that sickened Gabrielle despite her best efforts.
Part of her had wanted to just wander off the docks, and find a deep hole somewhere just to lie down in. But the other part of her, the part that claimed part of Xena, doggedly kept her going, driving her ahead, never stopping, never taking no for an answer, until it brought her to this place, and this time. "I'll take your place." She'd told Ming Tien.
"You will die." The Chin ruler calmly advised her, his palms neatly, and precisely aligning.
"No." The bard had spoken from sure, gentle knowledge. "She won't hurt me."
Now, with the gentle breeze stirring the unfamiliar drapery, and the scent of odd spices in her nose, Gabrielle sent up a prayer to her very distant gods and hoped she was right.
A motion. She looked up, a flash of a blade
Then recognition flared, and in less than a breath, Xena had frozen her motion, and let out a single, almost soundless cry.
Gabrielle had cringed, and felt something shrivel deep inside her as she'd heard it, and saw the shock melt into horror, then into shattering grief in Xena's eyes. She never moved a muscle, but the bard could read every wrenching bit of what she was feeling.
She really, truly thought she'd been saving her. But one look at those eyes, and the bard felt an icy doubt fill her. And she knew, whatever else, that Xena, who had trusted her with a completeness, and an honesty she'd never allowed herself with any other person ever, knew herself betrayed.
Now it was over, all the lies laid bare, the betrayals played out, and their relationship was left in such fragile tatters that she often thought it was only the fact that they were, in all truth, soulmates that kept them clinging tenaciously together.
They had forgiven each other. That, surprisingly, had been the easy part, driven by exhaustion, and grief, and need for each other. But it hadn't given back to her their closeness, and the friendship the horror had stolen from them. Times like this, Gabrielle reflected sadly, she wondered if they would ever get even the smallest part of that back.
Tiredly, she sniffled, then tugged her cloak over her against the night breeze, and gave Xena one last, long look. She wasn't sleeping, that Gabrielle knew. Her breathing was too irregular, and she could feel the tension surrounding the warrior. Xena hadn't rejected any efforts of Gabrielle to touch her, but she kept her own advances to polite minimum, and quietly kept her hands from any of their familiar rough horseplay.
That hurt too. Gabrielle's body craved the contact, and she missed it terribly. Sighing, she put her head down, and at last, unable to stop herself, curled a hesitant hand around Xena's arm, and felt tears falling again at the warm familiarity of the touch.
She closed her eyes, and let them fall, and waited for the nightmares to come.
Xena waited until the bard's breathing deepened, then turned her head, to regard her smaller companion wistfully. The hand curled around her biceps brought a comfort with it all out of proportion to the act, and for a long moment, she just let herself feel that, as a balm to the ache she felt inside her.
She'd been through a lot in her lifetime, most of it bad. But this Tentatively she reached over and covered Gabrielle's fingers with her own, and the bard made a tiny mewling noise, and moved closer, resting her face against the outside of the warrior's shoulder.
She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to just open her arms up, and scoop Gabrielle into them, feeling the bard's body warm against her own, and let the connection they still, against all logic, had between them try to get a start on patching the wounds they'd taken.
I need to do that. She admitted quietly to herself. We both need it. But.. somehow, whenever she thought of that, another thought made her body go still.
An ugly scene, after she'd collected Gabrielle from the Amazon village, and they'd ridden in silence to a small cave nearby, and then..
Oh gods. They'd both been so angry. At themselves, at each other.. Gabrielle had said things that still hurt when she thought about them, and she didn't even remember doing it, just the solid feel of her fist hitting
Her eyes closed, and she fought off the memory of Gabrielle's body crumpling away from hers and dropping to the ground, with a gasp of pain that had just.. stopped her. Then she'd started towards the bard in confusion, only to have Gabrielle scramble away from her, in fear.
It shattered something, somewhere deep inside her. She'd stopped moving forward, and started backing up, until her shoulders hit granite, and just stood there, hurting. From everything. From losing Solon, for which she took responsibility, to losing Gabrielle, which she had just sealed with her own violence.
She didn't remember collapsing, just a single thought that.. good.. Gabrielle can escape, and get out of here. Get away.. from here. From her.
And had woken to the feel of Gabrielle's arms around her, as the bard cradled her against her blood stained chest, where her split lip and bloodied nose had marked her. So finally, exhausted, they'd simply talked, for a very long time.
About everything. All the lies, and all the hurt. And the knowledge they needed each other, and how hard forgiving was going to be. How they knew they'd both be carrying the guilt of this for a long time, probably forever. How things would never be the same.
And at that point, they'd both started crying, and she realized, in a far off kind of way, that at a very base level, some things hadn't changed. And they would always be the same. Love was, after all, stronger than hate.
So here she was, afraid to hug her soulmate, because seeing that fear in her eyes would send her over the edge again, and maybe this time she wouldn't come back. She'd tried once, to reach out to her, in the cave, and the bard had flinched. She hadn't tried again.
Gabrielle let out a soft groan, and stirred, her limbs twitching in a dream.
Or nightmare, Xena sighed, as the bard uttered a distressed cry. "Hey.." She called softly, squeezing the fingers under her own. The bard cried out again, and Xena half rolled onto her side, and moved her hand to Gabrielle's shoulder, giving it a very gentle shake. "Gabrielle?"
"No " The bard moaned, her fingers clamping down on Xena's arm like a vise.
Xena studied her unhappily. The bard had been suffering through this every night since.. Xena closed her eyes in defeat, and let her shoulders slump. She was right. This is all my fault. All of it. There wasn't one thing she did that wasn't based on love, and there wasn't anything I did that wasn't based on hatred. I am exactly what she said I was in the cave.
"Xena?" The voice drifted softly up, and she felt gentle fingertips against her face. "Are you all right?"
The warrior let her eyes slide open, and take in Gabrielle's worried look with pained irony. "Yeah.. you were having a bad dream.. I couldnt .." She let the failure drift there. "Used to be your nightmares were me dying. Those are probably your good ones now."
It came out without her permission, and she let herself fall back down, and stare up at the stars, until she felt Gabrielle move and then the view was blocked by reddish blond hair and intent green eyes.
"Is that what you really think?" The bard asked gently, sniffling and pushing her hair back behind one ear. "You're wrong." She added softly, in wistful tone. "Please believe me."
The warrior gazed up at her, then closed her eyes and swallowed.
Gabrielle sighed. A theory that had been mulling around in her mind nudged itself to the front, driven by her recent nightmare. "Xena.. something's been bothering me."
Pale blue eyes studied her, but the warrior kept silent.
"Ever since we met since the Furies it was almost like.. you were obsessed with something." Gabrielle said carefully. "And it just kept getting worse it was almost like I was with a stranger." She reached down and gently touched Xena's cheek. "And now it's like I have my Xena back."
In pieces. The warrior mused. "It was always me, Gabrielle. Don't make excuses for what I did."
The bard shook her head. "No.. no excuses.. but I know you." She leaned closer. "Something was behind this, Xena something that wants very much to drive us apart from each other." Her voice dropped. "I'm not going to let that happen again."
Xena gazed up at her, considering that, then steeled herself and brought her right hand up to the bard's face, waiting for the flinch.
It never happened. Her fingers touched the soft skin, and felt the tiny muscles of Gabrielle's face move under them, as the bard gave her a faint smile, and a quiet relief spread through her. "I never wanted to see you get hurt." She murmured faintly. "And that's all I've done lately."
Gabrielle shook her head, letting the long strands brush the warrior's chest. "Even in the worst of it, I believed that, Xena in Britannia, you left the battlefield to come find me. In Chin, you tried to keep me from what you were doing. "
"I lied to you." Xena said softly.
"Because you knew if you killed Ming Tien, that meant everything I'd done meant nothing." Gabrielle answered quietly. "So you let me think that I'd made a difference."
No answer, but the faintest twitch of Xena's mouth.
They looked at each other, and Xena could read the gentle pleading behind those mist green eyes. She took a breath, and slid her left arm out to one side in a timid invitation, unable to keep a tiny grin from her face when the bard immediately accepted the offer and curled up against her with a quiet little sigh.
The gentle weight of the bard's head pressed against her shoulder was so welcome it almost hurt, and she settled an arm around the warm shoulders, as Gabrielle returned the pressure across her waist. She let herself float in that, as she turned over what the bard had said, and examined it.
Was it possible? Her mind resisted finding excuses for what she'd done. Resisted the thought that she might have been a pawn in some game. But Krafstar's words kept coming back to her, and she wondered.
But first things first. She had a life to rebuild, if she could, and trust to bit by bit restore, if that was possible, and then, maybe, they'd find out who or what was behind it.
And whoever that was, would pay.
Gabrielle felt the world slowly fade in, as she felt the warmth of sun on her back, and heard the low cheerful call of birds singing their morning song around her. She spent a moment in bleak remembrance, then realized it was leather she felt under her fingers and cheek, and realized where she was.
Oh how I've missed this. The thought brought tears to her eyes before she could stop herself and she felt a slight catch in Xena's breathing as the warrior saw them. A hesitant hand came up into her line of sight, and wiped the moisture away, and Gabrielle's heart clenched when she saw how badly the warrior was shaking in the movement. She lifted a hand and gently captured Xena's, curling her fingers around the warrior's own, and feeling the quiet pressure returned.
I wanted to kill you. The words coming from Xena's lips had, in a way, killed part of her. She had felt.. so lost she had needed Xena so badly after.. what happened with Hope.. and Xena had turned her back on her and left. It had shredded what was left of very tattered defenses that crumbled and left her feeling emptier than anything in her life ever had.
Losing Solon had shocked and sickened her, and made her understand, in a slow, overwhelmingly dark manner, what Xena had known from the start. What she had refused to believe, and what had now cost Xena.. had cost both of them.. a son. Coming around the corner of Kaleipus' hut and seeing Xena cradling the boy's lifeless body it had been like taking a spear through the gut.
"Go away." The half whispered, half groaned words that slammed into her harder than any physical blow could ever have. It had been one of the worse moments of her life, seeing the still, pale face, and seeing the agony in every line of Xena's body. If she could have given up anything, her life, her soul for the chance to change that but no.
She couldnt have Xena carrying the weight of Hope's death as well she'd learned from the warrior that you had to be responsible for your actions, right? Clean up her messes, is how Xena put it.
She had. And it had ripped her apart so badly.. and she had needed Xena's forgiveness so badly..
I wanted to kill you. Xena's words.
"I wish you had." Her whispered response. She'd spent three long days in Tartarus in that Amazon hut, trying to find some small space inside her that didn't hurt too much for her to crawl into it, and just stay there. Her world had ended, and she'd lost.. everything that had ever meant anything to her, and when she'd heard the thunder of familiar hoofbeats outside, she'd almost welcomed Xena's anger.
The rage, and the violence that she'd seen in those newly strange blue eyes had matched, perfectly, the desolation inside of her. She'd thrown off Ephiny's warning hands, and just gone.. to the one person who still meant anything to her. Even if the meaning was ugly, and painful, and she still shook when she remembered the roughly violent way Xena had grabbed her, and thrown her down. She'd always known how strong Xena was.. gods.. how could she not? But she'd always felt safe with her.. like a lion cub in it's mother's mouth, wasn't that how she pictured it?
Well, the lion cub had been bitten. And there was no safe place anymore. And it hurt. Feeling the impact of Xena's fist, and knowing it was on purpose gods.. it still hurt.
Could she ever trust herself to that again?
She felt the tremor in Xena's fingertips, resting lightly against her face, and sensed a single, warm tendril curling up out of her, from a very cold, and very lonely place. She turned her face slightly, and brushed the warrior's thumb with her lips, hearing the skip of Xena's heart as she felt the pressure. I'll find a way. Somehow.
She raised her head, and peered up at the warrior, whose face was half lit with golden morning sun. "It's late."
Xena fidgeted a little, and focused her vision somewhere over the bard's left shoulder. "Yeah.. well.. was um " A little head shake. "Just trying to figure out " Just taking a few minutes to remember what having her love me felt like.
A warm twinkle crept it's way into Gabrielle's eyes. "Thanks for letting me sleep in." She dropped her gaze to Xena's leathers, and gave them a little pat. "That.. um magic still works. No dreams." She looked up steadily into Xena's eyes. "None that I didn't want to remember, anyway."
Xena studied her seriously. "Why the tears, then?" She asked.
Gabrielle sniffled, then half smiled. "They were good ones." She replied softly. "I was just thinking about how much I missed waking up like this." She glanced up and caught Xena's stricken look, and sighed. ."Sorry..I just.."
A slow nod from the warrior. "I missed having you here." She admitted. "You can.. I mean.. you're.."
"Thanks, I will." The bard finished her thought. "Makes me feel better." A tiny victory in a long, long series of defeats.
Xena sighed. "Me too." She laid back a long moment, regarding the canopy of leaves above them, and watching a pair of robins preen each other with a sad smile, as a scrap of poetry ran angry and taunting through her head.
When I look at you,
I see all that I am, and all that I could hope to be.
My past, and my future,
My one safe harbor in a terrible world.
When I look at you,
I see my best friend and playmate,
My protector and defender,
The love of my life and the holder of my soul.
How could I have betrayed that? The dark wash of anguish rushed over her. How could I have let anything come between us? She let out a breath against the ache, and felt Gabrielle's hands tighten on her leathers. And that made the thoughts cut off abruptly, as she opened her eyes and met the bard's inches from her.
They stared at each other, and Xena felt her heart start to pound out of control, as the barest hint of a smile wrinkled the corner's of her soulmate's eyes. "I felt that." The bard whispered. "It was the most awful wonderful thing I've ever felt."
Their link, that half felt, half sensed thing that had been missing for so long, blocked by anger, and all that had happened, was slowly, timidly, making itself felt again. "S.."
"Dont you dare apologize." Gabrielle interrupted, then dropped her gaze. "Guess we'd better get up, huh?" Don't make a big thing out of it.. just let it go just be glad you felt it, and move on.
"Yeah." Xena replied softly, uncertainly "Um I'll.. you felt that?"
Gabrielle nodded slowly. "Yeah." She watched the shuttered blue eyes blink, then soften in timid hope. "I sure did."
Xena went out collecting breakfast while she got the hot water on, and got the bedrolls put away, taking several moments out just to breathe the fresh air, and look around her. It wasn't much, she reflected, but things were looking.. just a little brighter this morning. She could still smell the gentle scent of leather clinging to her skin, and it just.. She sighed. So many raw places.
She looked up as Xena reappeared, carrying a half folded leaf in front of her. The warrior stopped when she felt the bard's eyes on her, and glanced up, giving her a tentative half smile. "Hi." She continued on and stopped in front of the smaller woman, holding out her hands quietly. "I know you said you weren't hungry, but I though you might um.. "
Gabrielle peered into the bundle, and felt a smile tug irresistibly at her lips. She took the bundle from Xena, and selected a berry from it, biting down on it and feeling the juice explode everywhere. "Whoa." She swallowed the fruit, and suddenly realized she was hungry after all. "Thanks."
She finished them as they walked, with Xena leading the gently ambling Argo as they headed through knee high grass along a good sized river. The crickets punctuated the silence, along with the hiss and crackle of the grass as it brushed past their legs, and Gabrielle was conscious of the quiet, knowing she was the cornerstone of it.
Her stories seemed to have tiptoed out of her life a while back, and she saw no signs of them returning. Her scrolls were tucked away in a saddlebag, and she hadn't even had the heart to pull them out since.. well, for a while. She knew that bothered Xena, but the taller woman had kept her mouth shut about it, and hadn't even said word one when she'd politely declined a request in the last village they'd been through.
It was a strange feeling. Her stories had been a part of her for so long.. pictures that entertained her while the long miles went past, and that she'd cheerfully pulled out into tales to amuse her and Xena while they traveled. Now.. She sighed softly. Now, her mind was filled with scenes she had no intention of relating. Nothing new, nothing original.. and she missed that. It hurt to read her diary, and see bits of poetry there and fear she no longer had that in her. That it had died, along with Meridian. Along with Hope.
Along with her faith in goodness, and her belief in herself, and in Xena, and in love to conquer hatred.
"Small town about half a day from here." Xena commented. "I'm low on some supplies.. we could stop in there." With a faint question in her voice, reflecting the anger Gabrielle had tossed her way regarding her making all the decisions.
The bard glanced at her. "Um.. yeah.. that I could use some herbs.. good idea." The broke out of the field, and onto the riverside road, their steps kicking up faint puffs of dust as they hit the dried ground. The strong scent of the slow moving river washed over them, rich with plant life, and the slanting sun warmed their shoulders as they headed westward along it's banks.
They started out as specks in the distance, and got steadily larger, coming towards them. "Horses." Xena commented, giving them a dour glance. "Looks like raiders. " Her eyes flicked to her smaller companion. "You want to duck out somewhere? I can handle this."
Gabrielle took a firm grip on her staff. "No." She let out a breath softly. "This is part of my life."
It didn't take long. They kept moving forward until they could distinguish the motley crowd, a typical mix of leather half armor and badly kept weapons. The leader pulled his mount up and stared at them. "Hello, ladies."
Xena dispensed with any of her usual snappy patter and just stepped forward, one hand reaching for her sword. "Get outta my way."
The man laughed. "Whooo..a spirited one.. " He kicked his horse into a rough gallop, and bore down on her, swinging down with a battle mace as he draw even with the still walking warrior.
Xena left her sword sheathed, and caught the mace, jerking hard and pulling the raider off his horse with a brutal yank. She let him hit the ground, then pulled him halfway up, and kneed him in the head, hearing the sickening crack as his neck broke, then letting him drop in a lifeless heap at her feet.
She glanced up. "Next?" Her eyes were ice cold. They shifted weight, the horses feeling their sudden fear and prancing against it. Then the one closest to her backed his mount, and started around them, keeping his fair distance from her. "Good choice." She waited for them all to head off into the distance, then resumed her silent pacing, with Argo nodding along at her side.
Gabrielle matched both steps and silence, moving her staff ahead of her rhythmically and very deliberately not looking back to see the dark heap tumbled in the roadway.
Around the next bend, and they could see smoke rising off the horizon. Xena stopped, and glanced at her. "Town."
The bard sighed. "Probably where those guys were coming from."
The warrior nodded, and turned, vaulting up on Argo's back and taking the reins in one hand. She sidestepped the mare over to where the bard was standing, and hesitantly extended an arm down. "Do you I.. I mean, you can wait here if you want, Gabrielle, or "
The bard gave her a tiny smile, and stepped forward, clasping the offered forearm, preparing herself for the lift as Xena shifted her body weight and pulled up, waiting for her to get settled behind her on Argo's saddle before she kneed the mare forward into a canter.
The sun warmed armor plates felt good against her, and she swung her staff down out of Xena's way while winding her other arm around the warrior's waist in a secure hold. Keep riding, Xena.. maybe if you do, I can sit back here, and pretend everything's ok again, all right? Do you know how bad I want that? She laid her head down against the broad shoulders and let the ache fill her, as the familiar warmth of Xena's body against her own trigged wistful memories of better times.
"Hey." Xena's voice called softly back. "You OK?"
Gabrielle took a snugger hold. "Yeah."
A long pause. "You sure?"
That dug a tiny little warm spot inside her. "What makes you think otherwise?" She responded, turning her head so that her voice would carry up to the warrior's ears.
For an answer, Xena's hand covered hers, and patted the surface she was holding onto.
Oh "Just wishing." The bard sighed. At least we're here, we're talking to one another, and maybe, just maybe one day I'll see her smile at me again. And.. I'll smile back. And it'll be ok. The grief rushed over her again. Oh gods.. I don't want to lose what we had please..please . A hand suddenly warmed hers, and she felt Xena's fingers curl around her own and squeeze them.
"Maybe if we both wish for the same thing hard enough, it'll happen." The wind carried Xena's voice back to her. She hadn't expected that response, and it calmed her, as she rubbed her cheek absently against the leather armor.
Maybe. The ache subsided for the time being, and she concentrated on their destination, now growing larger just ahead and to their right. Half the town was in flames, and Argo snorted, her eyes rolling as the waves of heat hit them.
Xena pulled the mare to a halt and slid off her back, turning and catching Gabrielle as she followed suit, and lifting her gently to the ground in an automatic gesture. "Um.. I let's see what we can do to help." The warrior said quietly, dropping her hands in confusion.
It made for a long day. The raiders had set fire to the granary storage, and the communal barn, as well as dragged the village well over. Xena watched Gabrielle start gathering up help and nodded quietly to herself, as she started pitching in with pulling water buckets from the half collapsed well, and sending them towards the fire. It was hard work, but she was glad for that, it kept her mind busy at least, and the quietly grateful looks of the villagers were an unexpected balm to a soul that felt very beaten up on.
They finally doused the fire, and Xena ducked inside the half burned stable, dodging the dangerously sagging roof supports as she unlocked the first stall, and made soothing noises at it's frantic occupant. "Easy.. easy "
The stallion reared, and snorted, his eyes rolling wildly at her, his lungs full of the thick smoky air.
Xena carefully edged around him, and got a grip on his halter rope. "Easy now.. " She crooned gently, and was rewarded with an aggravated snort. "That's it.. take it easy.." With one flick of her wrist, she tossed a piece of linen she'd laid over her arm for just this purpose over the horse's head, effectively blinding him.
He calmed, and she was able to guide him out of the building, to the cheers and obvious relief off the gathered villagers. "He your stud?"
The blacksmith took hold of the halter. "Aye." His brown eyes found Xena's. "Gods be praised for ye.. after this winter, he was our only hope." He held out a soot-covered hand. "Antenius."
Xena sighed inwardly Well, it was nice while it lasted. She took the arm and shook it. "Xena."
His eyebrows shot up. "Really?" He turned around and faced the crowd. "Hey! This is Xena!!" He turned back to her. "My brother lives in Potadeia he's the smith there he can't stop talking about you."
The warrior blinked. "I remember him." She replied slowly. "His apprentice is married to my.." she hesitated, then went on. "My partner's sister." Her eyes glanced around, searching for the bard, then she froze. "Oh Hades."
Gabrielle was up near the top of the tree that dominated the village central courtyard, her wiry frame extended out along a swaying limb, working her way towards a very frightened, very bewildered kitten.
Xena clamped her jaw shut against the warning that threatened to explode from her throat. Isn't that one of the thing she said she hated? Treating her like a kid? Like someone who doesnt know what they're doing? I know I did that. She let out a tired breath. I just wish I'd known how much she hated it. Hated me when I did it. She watched in silence as the bard inched along the limb, holding one hand out to the mewling creature.
"She's a brave one." Antenius whispered. "That's Gabrielle the Bard, isn't it?"
The warrior's eyes were glued to the bard. "Yes."
The smith gusted out a great sigh, his free hand stroking the stallion's neck affectionately. "What a story this will make, huh boy? You were rescued by Xena! You got one up on all the other stallions, that's for sure."
The bard had reached her goal, and the kitten sniffed at her fingers, finding something to like there, because it crawled towards her, and Gabrielle was able to get her hand around the animal's body.
She rose up to turn around on the branch, though, and a gust of wind sent the limb moving wildly, and dislodged her, sending her off the surface and barely giving her time to grab hold with one hand as she dangled high above the ground.
Xena never remembered moving, just.. she was there, under the tree all of a sudden, and focusing her eyes on the swinging body above her. "Gabrielle!' She felt her heart pounding. "Listen to me "
"Ok." Came very faintly back. "I'm listening."
"Just let go." Xena realized exactly what she was asking, and felt her heart sink. Would she do it? Will she trust me? "I'll catch you."
Gabrielle swallowed hard, hearing the words. She hated heights, and the thought of just releasing her grasp and falling.. gods.. She looked at the faintly mewling kitten. "I guess it all comes down to trust, huh? You trusted me to get you out of this. "
"Mew?" The kitten stared at her with frightened eyes.
"You just hang on, ok? Because I have a friend down there, who's gonna make this ok." She promised softly, then.. just let go.
Xena saw the fingers of Gabrielle's hand relax, and she crouched, watching the bard fall, then exploding up as Gabrielle plummeted, wrapping her arms around the startled bard in mid air, then landing both of them as she took the impact on her legs, and let her body recoil from the ground with a tiny hop.
Immediately, she released the smaller woman, who was clutching her, eyes closed. "Gabrielle?"
The green eyes opened, and looked right up at her. "Nice catch." She blurted softly, which earned her a genuine smile. Not that little smirky one Xena used with other people, but one of her open, real smiles that got inside Gabrielle and made her smile back.
"Nice drop." The warrior answered quietly, aware of the gathering crowd.
Gabrielle held up the kitten. "I'm.. a sucker for a cute face."
Their eyes met quietly, and Gabrielle felt something stir, very deep down inside her that she thought had been gone forever. She gently took hold of it, and brought it close to her heart as a small hand tugged at her skirt. "Here you go." She knelt, giving the little girl back her kitten. The smudged, soot covered face broke into a big smile at her.
"Dank you." The girl hugged the animal, who mewled a protest, and toddled off.
Gabrielle watched her go, unable to fight down the lump in her throat. She remembered what Hope had felt like, nestled in her arms for that short, wretched time. So open, her blue eyes so trusting. She sighed, and felt a hand lightly touch her shoulder. A touch she knew. She stood, and half-turned, giving Xena a grateful look. "So.. how are things down here?"
Xena gazed at her a moment longer, then nodded towards the smith, who was feeling the stallion's legs carefully. "His brother's Tectdus."
The smith stood up and extended an arm to her. "I've heard lots about you, Gabrielle."
The bard took his arm and clasped it. "Um.. thanks." She used her other hand to push her hair back off her forehead. "What happened here?"
Xena left them telling the bard their unhappy tale, and walked over to the well, where the village mason was kneeling, cursing. "A mess, huh?"
He looked up wearily. "Bastards." He spat. "Not bad enough they have to take what we've got.. do they have to make in impossible to live, too?" He dragged a stone into place, and grunted a thanks as Xena dropped to one knee, and helped him. "Glad you two happened along." He glanced over his shoulder. "Lot riding on that horse.. got a dozen mares come into season he's covering."
Xena pulled another stone into place, and smoothed mud over the top of it, then stacked a third stone on top. "Glad we were around." They worked together in silence for a little while, as they built the well housing back up.
"You've got the touch for this, then. " The mason said, with surprised note in his voice. "You've done this before?"
Xena gave him a brief, sardonic smile, but before she could answer, a gentle voice drifted over her shoulder.
"She has many skills." Gabrielle had wandered up behind them, and put a hand on the warrior's shoulder, leaning against it casually. "Any chance of getting some water out of that well?" She watched as the mason obligingly drew up a bucket, and dipped into it, handing her the dipper with a gruff smile. "Thanks."
Xena remained quietly still, shaking her head a little as water droplets from the dipper fell on her.
A gentle, very soft laugh. "Sorry."
The warrior sucked in a pained breath, trying to remember when the last time was that she'd heard Gabrielle laugh. She gave up trying as the dipper came even with her eyes, and she took it carefully. "Thanks." A gentle brush of fingertips against her hair was her reward, as the bard left to continue her work trying to put the village stores back together.
"Lovely lass, that." The mason grunted, giving her a look.
Xena leveled a stare at him. "Yes, she is." One eyebrow quirked in a warning.
The mason raised a hand. "Ah now no harm in me saying it, warrior. I can see she's taken." His eyes twinkled at her startled expression. "I may be older then these hills round here, but I know love when I see it, yes ma'am." He gave her a broad wink, and went back to his work.
Xena stood and walked towards the barn, turning her face into the wind and letting it blow her hair back out of her eyes. So. Even now, even after everything Her eyes strayed to the old mason. I hope to the gods you're seeing something that's still there, my friend. She glanced up and swallowed. Because I dont' think I can live without it. She looked down at her boots, covered with dust and soot from the fire. Not anymore.
They turned down an offer to stay in the village that night, saying they'd be nearby and come back in the morning to help finish putting the town back together again. It was just Xena sighed. Easier for both of them.. as uncomfortable as they were with each other, it was still better than having to deal with strangers around. Especially strangers would knew who they were, and would surely be pestering Gabrielle for stories if they stayed in town.
So they came to another quiet campfire, in the last purple haze of twilight, sheltered against a tall rock formation which formed a backdrop that reflected the fire's light and made their shadows jump and dance along it's surface.
Gabrielle glanced down at herself and looked up with a rueful smile. "I.. need a bath." The bard was covered with soot and mud, and daubed liberally with flour from the ruined storeroom.
Xena looked over from where she was tucking kindling into the fire. "Me too." She rubbed a hand across her face, drawing soot over it, then stared at the hand. "You can go first." It had become their pattern, strained and odd seeing that they had never been shy with each other, even when they'd just started traveling with each other. Just one more hurtful reality, I guess. Xena stared tiredly at the ground.
A long silence fell between them, until Gabrielle took a breath, and cleared her throat. "Um.. you know, I was just thinking kill two birds and all that.. maybe you'll find a fish." She paused awkwardly. "No sense in you suffering in that itchy stuff longer than you have to.. I mean.. "
The warrior looked up. "All right, I'll go with you." It was a tiny thing, but she held it close and cherished it.
They walked in silence to the river, and got their clothes off, dragging them in the water with them for a scrub. Gabrielle quietly worked on hers, stealing glances over at the warrior, who was bathed in gentle moonlight, her dark head bent over her task. I'd forgotten just how much I love watching her. The thought whispered itself to her. It felt strange to be able to just do that, and not feel the haunting guilt that had kept them apart for so long, of secrets, and anger, and resentment that had built between them and blocked out the important things.
Like the fact that watching the muscles move across Xena's shoulders had always fascinated her. And the fact that she looked really good in moonlight. It reflected off her tanned skin, and brought out faintly blue highlights in her hair, and made the bard clamp her jaw down tight against the tears of relief that threatened to overwhelm her at the simple, quiet feelings she was experiencing.
A sudden, gentle wave bumped her, and she glanced up, to see blue eyes peering gently at her from an arms length away. "Hey.. if you're.. done.. I.." Xena gestured to the branches of a nearby tree. "Good spot to dry."
Gabrielle smiled, and handed her top and skirt over. "Thanks." She watched as the warrior waded over to where the tree overhung the bank, and lifted herself half up out of the water to carefully arrange the items to dry. The bard's eyes ran over the familiar form, and a tiny crease of worry appeared in her brow. Damn she's all skin and bones.. when did that happen? Then her gaze dropped, and she let out a soft sigh. It has been happening for a while. You just didn't want to see it. She channels everything inside, and it's tearing her up. Wake up, Gabrielle.
"Dinar for your thoughts." Xena asked, not looking back at her.
Gabrielle glanced down at the water, and patted its surface gently. "You.. don't want them. You'll just accuse me of being a mother hen." She replied quietly, feeling the water ripple against her again, and sensing Xena's very close presence. She looked up, and met the warrior's eyes.
"I want them." Xena settled down next to her, wrapping one arm around her upraised knee, and gazing steadily at the bard.
Strangely, Gabrielle mused, that felt better than all the tiptoeing. "You're not eating." She returned the direct look. "You're not taking care of yourself, are you?"
Something in the back of Xena's eyes melted, before she dropped her gaze. . "Not very well, no." She answered in a husky tone. "I don't think I'm really good at that anymore."
Like in a dream, Gabrielle saw her hand reach out and tangle itself in the dark hair floating in the water. "Looking for a candidate for that job?"
Xena's breath stirred the water. "You applying?"
Gabrielle felt tears coming, and this time she let them, as the shadowy barriers faded back in her soulmate's eyes, and she got a glimpse of a person she used to know.. 'Yeah." She managed to respond. "I have experience." Her hand slid through the soft dark hair, and touched Xena's cheek, feeling the water-cooled flesh warm under her fingertips. Please.. Xena.. don't lock me out. I'm so tired of being out here in the cold.
Xena felt her heart jerking in her chest in an uneven rhythm as she fought down a surge of panic, caught between desperate need, and icy cold fear of opening herself up again. Then her mind focused on a hand releasing a branch in all confidence earlier that day, and she felt a sense of calm invade her jittery senses.
She looked over, and let out a tiny, scared breath. "I guess you're hired."
Gabrielle felt herself start breathing again, with a gentle inrush of air that brought the rich scent of the water and their soap to her. "All right.. tell you what, if you find us a fish, I bet I can put together some dinner up there." She gave the warrior a tentative smile. "I guess that's a good place to start."
A quirk twitched at the corner of Xena's mouth, and her eyes went unfocused for a moment, then a swift movement under the water startled the bard.
"Yow!" She yelped, as she watched Xena slip her hand out of the water clutching an enormous silvery fish.
"Grogh." The fish grunted at her. Even Xena looked startled. She thwacked the fish on the side of the head, and it quieted down. "Sorry."
Gabrielle bit her lip hard to keep from spluttering. "Um " She peered at the fish. "What.. is that?"
Xena examined the specimen and sniffed reflectively. "I dont know. I'm gonna call it a grunt."
The bard cocked her head a little. "Is it good to eat?"
The warrior shrugged. "You'll make it that way."
It was a tiny, offhand remark, unplanned, and somehow that made it all the more special. Gabrielle felt something loosen up inside her a little, and drank in the comment with simple pleasure. "Thanks."
They climbed out of the water, accompanied by the fish, who fought off it's stunning and grunted again, startling the bard who was walking a pace or two ahead of her companion. She turned around and glared at the fish, which was promptly smacked back into senselessness by Xena.
The bard headed towards their gear as soon as they entered the campsite, kneeling down and tugging out two sleep shirts, then standing up and walking over to her companion who was making sure the fish wouldnt startle her any more. The warrior looked up as she approached and essayed a hesitant smile, then focused her vision on what the bard was carrying.
"Since your leathers are drying, I thought.. " Gabrielle explained softly, holding out one of the shirts, then pausing, as she saw the smile shape the warrior's lips.
"Mind if I take the other one?" Xena's voice held a rare, shy note.
The bard smiled back. "No.. I um that's fine." She delivered the requested shirt, and hugged the other one to her, pulling it over her head and settling the folds over her body with a sense of quiet happiness, an emotion so foreign to her lately it felt exotic.
Xena finished scaling the fish before she neatly wiped her hands off, and stood, then shrugged into the shirt the bard had draped across her shoulder. "All yours." She told Gabrielle quietly, backing off from the fire and watching as the bard knelt and started preparing the fish., seeing the fire bring out all the highlights in her hair with a wistful smile. She sat down on a nearby rock and rested her elbows on her knees, content to just sit and observe in silence.
It had been the hardest thing of all, She reflected sadly, to realize Gabrielle no longer trusted her. No longer believed in her. She'd known it the moment she'd looked into the bard's eyes when Gabrielle had told her she'd killed Hope, on that mountaintop, and she knew it wasn't true.
It had destroyed something in her, the something that kept her doggedly headed on a path to reclaim herself, because somewhere along that path she'd realized Gabrielle meant more to her than the completion of the path itself. It was Gabrielle's belief that she tried to hold her journey to, and without that
It hurt. And it hurt more to see them growing further and further apart, separated by their own natures. I should have tried to talk to her about what I was feeling. Xena sighed inwardly for the thousandth time. Why I felt what I did about Hope. No wonder she gave up on me.
When Gabrielle had decided not to go to Chin.. it hadn't surprised her. She'd spent the entire voyage over there wrapped in misery, staring out into the storm tossed seas and clinging forlornly to warm little memories that she knew were all she'd ever have left of what had been the center of her life so short a time ago. Even then, even knowing it was over, she missed Gabrielle more than she'd believed possible, and had cursed herself as a fool for believing in something as stupid and as dangerous as forever.
I don't give up that easily. Gabrielle had said, on the voyage home. Not on something that means this much to me.
Betrayal? Xena let a tiny smile etch her face. That was no betrayal, my friend. It was supposed to be a one way trip. Then she stilled, as a thought occurred to her.
Ming Tien.. the bastard.. he'd goaded her into killing him. Why? Another thought. So had Krafstar. What if Gabrielle was right.. what if this whole thing all if it was planned? What they got from Gabrielle was obvious.. but from me?
"Hey?" A soft voice, from right in front of her caused her to look up with a start.
"Sorry." She blinked at Gabrielle. "Just thinking."
The bard sat down on the rock next to her, and mirrored her posture, bringing their shoulders into contact. "You looked like it." She commented softly, then glanced at the fire. "Be a little while.. that was a huge fish." She looked down and watched her fingers twine with each other.
"I think you were right." Xena pronounced the words carefully.
"Hmm? About what?" Gabrielle's brow creased. "The fish?"
"Something being behind what happened." The warrior replied briefly, staring at her own hands as though she'd never seen them before. "That something.. needed us apart. It couldnt.. do what it needed to do if we weren't."
Gabrielle let out a tightly held breath. "Was Hope that something?" She stumbled over the name, when she realized it was the first time she'd said it out loud to Xena since
Blue eyes narrowed. "I think that was the start of that something."
They looked at each other. "Xena.. it's not over, is it?"
"I don't think so, no." The warrior replied honestly.
Gabrielle nodded a little, then took a deep breath and faced her squarely. "I want you to know something. " She paused. "That trick isn't going to work a second time." Another pause. "You know what I realized tonight? After all that's happened, and everything they've done to me.. all the lies, and all the hatred, and " She looked up into Xena's pain filled eyes. "They couldnt kill the part of me that's you." She took a shaky breath. "Through everything.. and even if it got buried down deep somewhere, it was always part of me. And it always will be, I am not going to let them take that away, Xena, I want that part. I need it." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I need you."
"I dont deserve that." The warrior replied with bleak honesty. "Whatever else, Gabrielle, in that cave that was me." She dropped her head into her hands. "I hurt you."
Gabrielle squeezed her eyes shut. "I know." She took a breath. "You took away my faith in you." She leaned forward a little. "I think that hurt more than anything.. it was like something magical and special got taken out of my life." She opened her eyes and cast a worried glance at the still, silent form sitting frozen in place next to her. "But you know.. Ive been thinking about that a lot.. and I think Ive realized just how unfair that was of me."
Gabrielle leaned against her soulmate, and caught her ragged breathing. "I know what you are, Xena. Ive always known." She lifted a hand and stroked the soft skin of her forearm. "The risk was always there and you knew that, didnt you?" She paused, but Xena didnt answer. "I.. Im willing to take that risk again, if youll let me."
Xena stared at the ground through a film of tears, letting the successive waves of grief, then shame, then aching disbelief pass through her. Gabrielle was right. She had always expected the worst.
The worst had happened.
And Gabrielle was still here. She was still here. They had gone to Tartarus and came back, with that bone deep love still hanging in there, against all the odds.
What was there to be afraid of anymore? Slowly, she raised her head, and met Gabrielles eyes. "Youre right. That trick wont work a second time." And committed herself, with full knowledge, back into the light.
They sat quietly watching the fire crisp their dinner, only this time the silence was more comfortable, and Gabrielle felt her whole body relaxing, as she let her head rest casually against Xenas shoulder. It felt.. like things were getting better. It still hurt, and they still had a long way to go, but sitting here, she was starting to feel the first glimmerings of a familiar burning glow shed thought shed lost forever.
The fish turned out.. better than shed expected, given its recalcitrant nature, and she found herself wanting more, but settled for retrieving an apple from her bag and nibbling on it while she watched Xena slowly finish hers, with a thoughtful look on her face. "Dont like it?" The bard asked softly.
Blue eyes tracked up to hers and focused. "I do." Xena replied with a hint of smile. "Just tired I guess." Try exhausted. Her mind corrected her. But the good kind, for the first time in a long, long while. She stood up and walked over to their gear, and dropped to a crouch next to one saddlebag, digging around in it and pulling out her leather repair kit. "Gotta fix that shoulder strap." She commented quietly, as she stood again and turned, stopping short when she almost bumped into Gabrielle. "Whoa."
"Here." The bard passed her the almost dry leathers. "Why dont you go over there and sit down with them.. you do look a little wiped."
Xena nodded a little. "Good idea." She went over to their bedroll, and collapsed onto it, tucking her legs up under her, and leaning on one elbow as she pulled her stitching needle out and examined the unraveling strap.
Gabrielle spent a moment just looking at her, then smiled, and shook her head a little, and knelt beside her own gear, removing her diary and the small case she kept her quills and ink in. A rustle caught her ear, and she glanced down, seeing that the folded leather pouch Xena kept some personal trinkets in had fallen out of her bag. She reached down, and picked it up, scowling a little as she realized the top had fallen open, and some small pieces of folded parchment had fallen out. She had retrieved and replaced most of them before one unfolded in her fingers, and she realized what they were.
Faded characters in a familiar hand faced her, and grabbed her heart. Her poems, written to Xena at different times, in different places, all stored here, and from the worn creases in the parchment read more than the once. She read the one in her hand, and it brought tears to her eyes, along with the memory of what had caused her to write it. Oh Xena .
With a sigh, she tucked the parchment back in the bag, and stored it in Xenas gear, picking up her diary and moving over to the fire, where she put on the water pot and knelt, carefully mixing herbs into two cups for tea.
She never heard Xena move, just felt the warm, unmistakable presence at her back just before a hand landed on her shoulder, and she turned her head to gaze up at the warrior. Finding herself caught by.. and drowning in Xenas concerned regard. "Whats wrong?" The warrior asked quietly, dropping down to a crouch so they were on a level.
It settled like a pall on her, but she knew she couldnt avoid the issue any longer. "N.. no, I just.. there were some just.. poems little.. they fell out I.."
The hand shifted from her shoulder, and gently brushed her cheek. "Those.. kept me.. going.. in some very dark times." The warrior admitted quietly. "They um.. reminded me that at one time " She paused, and swallowed. "I.. had someone who.. " Another pause. "a actually believed in me." She looked into the fire, and poked it with a stick. "They.. were all I had left."
Gabrielle felt the anguish. "Xena.. I think Ive lost that." She whispered. "I .. I can't .. it's like they're lost, and I don't even know where to look for them." She clutched at her head. "It used to be all colors up here.. and now it's all.. gray nothing and..and.. I don't know what to do."
A scattering of dust as the warrior swiveled her knees in the dirt next to the fireplace. "Look at me." Xena waited for the sad green eyes to lift. "You're wrong that gift is a part of you. " She searched the bard's grief stricken face. "Gabrielle, theyre in there. Just give yourself a little time." She reached out and brushed a lock of red gold hair back and let her fingers warm against the bards skin. "I can see them in your eyes."
The bard blinked. "You can?"
Xena nodded slightly. "Yeah.. its this little.. kind of look you get." She chewed her lip. "Kinda like your mind is focusing on something you cant actually see."
"Really?" Gabrielle willingly allowed herself to be distracted. Make me believe that, Xena. Against her will, a little ball of hope ignited inside her, fueled by the warriors solemn, steady affirmation. Without thinking, she let her body fall forward, wrapping her arms around Xenas neck in a grateful hug. "Thanks."
Xena was absolutely still for a long instant, then she returned the hug, burying her face in the rich herbal scent of the bards fair hair. It felt so good that it almost hurt, bringing back vivid memories of the time before the darkness fell over them both, and she felt a pang of grief as she released the smaller woman, and let her arms fall back down awkwardly. "You just wait, Gabrielle. One of these days.. theyll just come pouring out." She told her softly.
It felt like a weight being lifted off her shoulders, as she leaned back and gazed up at the warrior. "All right.. " She grinned a little "But no complaints from you when it happens and I get swamped in them."
"No.. no complaints." Xena assured her, with a tentative smile.
The warrior stood and went back to their bedroll, curling up on it again and getting back to work on her damaged leathers. Gabrielle finished fixing the tea, then chewed her lip a little, and took a breath. OK couldnt hurt to just go sit by her, right? She carried the cups over to the bedroll, and lowered herself carefully, handing Xena hers, and settling cross legged on the soft furs next to the warrior. "Mind if I join you?"
Xena looked up at her over the rim of her mug, the gentle steam rising up and misting her eyes. "No."
Gabrielle smiled to herself, and opened her diary, balancing it on her knees and selecting a quill from the case and sharpening the tip against the small whetstone Xena had fixed to the flap for that purpose.
If there ever were two days completely different, it would be yesterday and today. Last night, I thought we were so far apart we might as well really be strangers.
Today.. well, today.. its like something snapped inside her, and, maybe inside me too, because for the first time since Hope and Solon died, I got a glimpse of an old friend in there.
Im not sure whether thats good or bad, because seeing that glimpse makes me remember all the times before, and I find that I want to go back so badly I can taste it.
And.. it hurts when I realize I may never be able to go back there.
I miss it. I miss just being able to tease and play with her. She cant take that now.. I did with words in that cave what she did with her fists.. and shes as afraid of me as I am of her.
But you know what? When she told me to let go today I just did.. you know I never thought about whether or not she was going to catch me.. I just trusted that she would. Never even thought about it at all. Wonder if she realized?
Our link is back. I was pretty shocked. Maybe our sleeping together last night kind of triggered that. Not real strong, but it was great to feel it. Well, not great, because neither of us is really happy, but. .that was blocked off for a long time, and I kind of missed it.
She thinks my stories are still in there. I think Ill decide to believe what she believes on that.. shes pretty good at knowing whats going on with people, and especially with me. Besides, I really want to believe it, so I guess I will. It felt really good to hear her say the words though.
It felt really good to hear her say a lot of things today. I know some of the things I said hurt her.. but its important that we only have honesty between us now. No.. sparing feelings. Not now. Not now.
I feel good. It feels so strange to write that. Its been a long time.
Xena finished her stitching task, and set both leathers and kit aside, then spent a moment watching Gabrielle write, smiling a little at the familiar look of concentration on her face, with just the tip of her tongue sticking out, and the finely defined muscles in her forearm tensing and relaxing as she wrote.
Shes so cute. The thought startled her. Not that it wasnt true, but something was changing. She rolled over, and regarded the stars with searching eyes. No. Not changing. She let out a long breath. Im still in love with her. The truth of it shocked her, but brought a tiny smile to her face as well.
A voice drifted over, and she realized Gabrielle had put her diary away. "Hey.. that offer still open?" The bards tone was half gentle banter, and half wistful pleading.
Xena turned her head. "Sure." She waited for Gabrielle to settle against her, and smiled at the contented sigh that briefly warmed her skin through the fabric. Then she looked steadily up at the stars, and narrowed her eyes. Aphrodite, if we make it through this, I owe you.
Then she firmly closed her eyes, and settled down to sleep.
The first gentle robin's calls were just breaking the predawn stillness when her eyes drifted open again, and she breathed in the early morning air that still held hints of their fire, and the damp green smell of the dewy vegetation around them. Off to the right, the warrior could hear the rustle of Argo's hooves, then the steady sound of chewing. The warrior felt a faint smile touch her lips, thinking of the twin colt foals Argo had cheerfully left behind when they'd picked her up on their way past Amphipolis.
The foals were being raised by Cyrene's phelgnatic cart mare, who was much better suited to it than the spirited war horse. "Typical." Cyrene had snorted, giving her a look. "You can tell whose horse she is." Then she'd gently grasped Xena's arm. "Honey, what's wrong?"
She'd been alone there, and she'd just "Mother.. I think I've lost her." And she'd told her all of it. About Britannia, and Chin accepting Cyrene's shocked stare and ending with her head cradled in her hands.
"Oh.. Xena." The innkeeper had breathed, and circled her daughter's shoulders with her arms. "Ok.. ok.. honey, listen to me, all right?"
"Yeah." Xena had let out a breath. "But I think I screwed it up way past redemption this time, mother."
"Xena." Cyrene had firmly grasped her chin and forced her eyes up. "Do you still love her?"
The warrior had felt tears building. "Yes." Still?. Always.
"Does she still love you?" A very gentle question.
It was like a vise, gripping her heart. "I .. I don't know. I.. I don't think so." Just saying it had brought home the horror, and a sense of staggering loss.
Cyrene let out a careful breath. "But you're not sure."
She had been silent for a long moment. "No."
"Then don't give up on this." The innkeeper had said softly. "I believe in you both, and I think you've got the strength together to pull through." She combed the disheveled hair out of her daughter's eyes. "Promise me, Xena. Dont' give up. "
Xena had sighed. "I promise."
I kept my promise, mother. The thought meandered through her still foggy consciousness, as she glanced down at the bard snuggled up against her. Dont ask me how. She craned her head to see the bard's face, and felt a little something melt inside her at the tiny incredulous smile on Gabrielle's lips.
Like this, and in the quiet of pre dawn, she could take a few wistful moments out, and pretend it was all ok again. Pretend that Gabrielle was going to wake up, and they'd snuggle a little, and trade some light banter, and she'd watch the sunlight slowly pick up the golden highlights in the bard's misty green eyes. And she'd smile and laugh, even if it was early morning.
But it wasn't like that now. Xena had no idea if Gabrielle even had feelings like that for her anymore. That Gabrielle loved her.. no doubt. But was the bard in love with her anymore? That was too much to hope for. It would be enough to just restore a semblance of their friendship.. though now she was beginning to be more confident that was possible.
She could still pretend, though. For a little while. Gabrielle stirred sleepily, and nestled closer, blinking once or twice and yawning a bit before closing her eyes again and giving the warrior a tiny pat on the belly as she relaxed back into a deeper sleep.
Xena swallowed hard, and carefully wrapped her arms a little tighter around the bards warm body, closing her own eyes, and letting a few errant tears spill silently into the red gold hair tucked under her chin. You were right, mother I don't know how our love survived this, but it did thanks for the advice.. it saved me.
Breakfast was a pretty quiet affair, and they got underway towards the village shortly after, arriving as a group of tired looking villagers were returning, pulling a load of newly downed and rough cut trees behind them.
"Dont get too many splinters." Gabrielle whispered, as she gave the warrior a gentle pat on the side before sliding down from Argos high quarters and heading towards the group of workers around the inn.
Xena smiled a little to herself, then kneed Argo over to where a large spot had been cleared to receive the new lumber, and dismounted, removing her wood ax from the mares saddlebags. As she walked closer, the workers looked up, and gave her warm smiles.
"Morning." She gave them back a brief nod, and started in to work, glad to be able to lose herself, at least for a while, in hard labor. She kept at it until theyd trimmed and split all the logs, and cut them to size, then helped carry them over to where two hard working carpenters were rebuilding the side of the storage hut.
Standing up, she dusted her hands off, and glanced at the sun, then let her eyes travel over the courtyard in casual search. She spotted Gabrielle within moments, standing in the shade next to the inns wall, talking with a tall villager who was leaning against the wood and gesturing to make a point.
Gabrielles voice drifted across on the wind, and Xena watched as she reached out and clasped the young mans arm, making her own point, then they both laughed. The warrior felt a heavy sensation fill her, and she leaned back against the tree she was standing under and tried to deal with the mixture of regret and envy that she was feeling. Why shouldnt Gabrielle have a good time? The guy was cute, and the type Xena had always thought the bard was partial to, until..
She turned away, and gazed out at the road leading away from the village instead. You dont own her. She told herself quietly. Let it go. Let if she can find some happiness, youve got no right to interfere with that. None. She took a deep breath, and squared her shoulders, then turned back towards the inn to see Gabrielle trotting towards her.
"Hey." The bard greeted her as she came up. "Listen.. um " She glanced behind her. "If we keep at this, itll be done by tonight.. itll be late, but.. theyve offered to put us up here." She stepped closer. "Look. .I know its hard." She took a breath. "Theyre asking me.. and.. maybe I think.. I."
"Sure." Xena said quietly. "Looks like its gonna rain tonight anyway. "
Gabrielle looked at her. "You sure youre ok with this?"
The warrior nodded. "Its fine. Why dont.. why dont you go ahead. I..need to take care of Argo." Her peripheral vision told her the young villager was waiting near the inn door and she tried to ignore the pain in her chest at the thought. "And um.. I"m going to help raise that new wall."
Green eyes studied her cautiously. "Be careful."
A brief smile. "I will you too." She paused. "Its pretty hot out.. make sure you get some water, ok?"
The bard smiled back. "I will." She put a hand out and rubbed Xenas arm lightly. "Thanks." Then she turned and trotted back to her group, turning her head slightly as the young villager joined her, and stayed close by her side.
Xena watched for a moment more, then sighed, and went back to where the carpenters were struggling to align two spars and join them. She took a corner of the heavy main spar and lifted it, bringing the entire thing even. "Try that."
The older carpenter glanced around, and gave her a grateful smile. "Thatll do the thing.. thank the gods for blessing us with you, Xena."
The warrior gave him a half hearted grin, and bent her head, feeling the afternoon sun warm her shoulders, and letting the fitful breeze move the hair out of her eyes.
"Were about done." Gabrielle sighed, leaning back against the newly placed shelving in the storage hut. "Not bad." She cast a glance over at her attentive companion. "Good as new, huh Teren?"
The young man finished rolling a barrel into place, and straightened, walking over to her and smiling down. "Almost." He raked a hand through his straight blond hair and sighed. "I"ll be ready for dinner.. what about you, Gabrielle?"
The bards lips quirked. "I need to find a wash bucket first. Im a mess." She glanced down at the dust and wood chips covering her.
Tessan grinned down at her. "Not at all." He brushed a chip or two off her shoulder. "You look just fine."
Gabrielle felt a giggle coming on and clamped down on it. Hes flirting with me. She realized with an amused start. Any other time, she might have found it almost funny, and moderately entertaining, but now now she was too raw, and things were too strained. Her life didnt need any more complications.
"Lying doesnt do anything for you. " She informed Teren briskly. "Excuse me." She ducked out of the storage hut, and headed in the direction of the well, enjoying the spectacle of the sunset sending orange red spears through the gathering blue twilight. One covered the well, and she stepped into it, feeling the warmth cover her shoulders as she pulled up a bucket of water and rinsed herself off.
She was tired, but it was a good kind of tired, filled with the knowledge that shed done a good job for these people, and their lives would be better for it. She leaned against the well support, and sipped a few mouthfuls of water from the dipper, just enjoying the fading light, and the breeze rich with the scent of soil and wood.
Finally she turned, and put the bucket back down the well, brushing her damp hands off
against her skirt and glancing towards the barn. The new wall had been built and tacked
into place, though she could see that more fastening needed to be done, along with
caulking to keep the winds out. She headed towards there, knowing instinctively it was
Sure enough, there was Argos dully gleaming hide in a corner stall, and she could see a dark, slumped form in the straw near the mares head. She approached quietly, not wanting to wake the warrior if she was sleeping, but the dim light reflected off of blue eyes as Xena watched her approach. "Hey.." She circled Argos haunches, and dropped lightly into the straw next to the warrior. "Wall looks great."
Xenas lips curled in a brief smile. "Not bad." She returned her attention to her hand, then gave the bard a sheepish look. "Splinters."
"Tch tch." Gabrielle settled down and held her hand out. "Let me see."
The warrior opened her mouth to protest, then closed it again, and simply did as she was requested, flinching a little as the bard probed a particularly deep sliver.
"Sorry." Gabrielle gave her hand a little pat. "Give me a second." She bent her head over the muscular palm, and gently pried the wood loose with a pair of tweezers, then worked out the remaining stubborn pieces. "There." She smoothed the angry looking skin with a fingertip, and looked up. "You ready to get some dinner?"
Xena took her hand back, and studied the reddened palm. "You.. go on..Im.. not much up for company right now." She swallowed. "Besides.. if you.. get a chance to do some storytelling.. better that I'm not there." She gave a light shrug. "Distraction."
Gabrielle sighed, and played with a bit of hay. "Actually, I was kinda hoping for some moral support." She looked back up and met Xenas eyes. "I could use it." She bit her lip, keeping back the fear that had flooded through her at the thought of trying to perform. "I'm really kind of jittery."
Warm hands folded over hers, and Xenas thumbs rubbed gently against her knuckles. ""Then lll be there." The warrior reassured her simply. "Let me just wash up." Her eyes searched Gabrielles face. "Looks like you got some sun today."
The bard focused her gaze on their linked hands. "Yeah.. tingles a little." She wrinkled her nose, and glanced up. "Does it look too bad?"
The warrior took in the flush of pink across Gabrielles face and gave her a smile. "No." The last sunlight was edging in the open doorway, and backlighting the bard in molten crimson. "Not at all." She suspected her admiration was showing on her face, because the bards sunburned features went a shade darker so she sighed, and released Gabrielles hands. "Go on."
Gabrielle straightened up out of the straw, and twitched her skirt into place, moving out of the sunlight and letting it fall over Xenas sprawled body, bringing out the rusty highlights in her brown leathers. "Thanks." She said quietly.
The warrior blinked up at her, through the sparkling haze of dust particles trapped in the sunlight and shrugged. "Thats what friends are for, right?" In a quiet, wistful voice.
Gabrielle swallowed the lump in her throat. "Only when youre very lucky." She turned, and walked out, hugging herself a little and trying to steady her breathing as she ran through a small list of comfortable, familiar short stories she could do. Gods.. I hope I dont just freeze up She sighed inwardly as she reached the inn door, and it opened, to reveal Teren's friendly face. Oh boy .. Another reason to have Xena around.
Xena laid there in the straw for a long moment, absorbing the fading sunlight, and letting the ache in her chest subside as she ran over the bards words. Finally she heaved herself up out of the hay pile, and shook the stalks out of her leathers and armor, and flicked negligent fingers through her hair to settle it.
Thoughtfully, she unclipped her armor, and lifted it over her head, setting it down next to Argo and rotating her shoulders to get the stiffness out of them, as she looked around for water. "Guess its the trough outside, Argo." She muttered to the mare, who whickered back. "Be right back."
She ambled over to the rear door to the stable, which had been half blocked by fallen timbers, and stepped carefully over the half burnt wood, before pushing the door open and stepping out.
She sensed them before she saw them, and her body was already reacting before her eyes registered their identity and a wave of guilt crashed over her. She froze her reaction, and let her arms drop, closing her eyes as a surface of hardened wood connected with her head, slamming her against the barn wall and dropping her to the ground in a limp heap.
Solari lowered her crossbow and swallowed. "I cant believe it was that easy." She said between nervously ragged breaths.
Eponin stared at the still form, fingering her chobos absently. "She let me."
The taller Amazon stared at her. "What?"
Eponin shook her head. "She looked me right in the eye, Soli. And dropped her hands. I saw it. She let me."
The two Amazons looked at each other. "Wed better find Gabrielle." Eponin sighed finally. " You go look around. Ill stay here."
Solari gave her a very unhappy look. "You be careful, all right?"
Eponin nodded and waved her off, dropping to one knee beside the unconscious warrior. "Shes out cold go on."
Solari stepped over Xenas long legs, and entered the barn, moving around the burnt wood and stopping next to Argos familiar bulk. "Hello, Argo." The Amazon murmured as she passed the mare, who snorted angrily at her. Solari ran her eyes over the horses gear, spotting items she knew were the bards, including the bag the Amazon recognized as the one Gabrielle kept her scrolls in. A light touch at its surface told her that was still the case, and she felt her brows knit. It all looked.. normal.
But shed been at the village when Xena had ridden in, and seen the look on the warriors face when she hauled Gabrielles lighter body aboard the mare, and took off, scattering a squad of Amazon warriors trying to stop them. Ephiny had ended up with a broken arm, and a seething anger of her own that had sent them out in search of the pair.
And so theyd found them. Solari sighed and went out the front of the barn, looking around, and deciding the best choice of places to find Gabrielle was right in front of her. She took a breath, and headed towards the inn, reaching the door and pulling it open, to peek inside.
Gabrielles voice caught her attention, and she turned her head, to be met with startled, and then alarmed green eyes as the bard recognized her. She let her vision scan the slim form as Gabrielle rose and walked her way, relieved that she seemed unharmed. An uneasy feeling began to run through her guts Unharmed, and in fact, looking a lot better than the last time the Amazon had seen her.
"Solari?" Gabrielle got within reach of her and held out an arm. "What are you doing here?" Her eyes flicked to the door, and back to the Amazon.
"Are you all right?" Solari asked quietly.
Gabrielles brows creased. "Yeah, Im fine.. what " Then she realized. "Oh. Yes, Im.. I"m fine, Solari.. gods.. that was stupid. I should have " She stopped when she saw Solari bite her lip. "What?"
Solari groaned inwardly. "Ephiny sent us.. Eponins out there..she Gabrielle, we thought you she didnt mean to oh gods, what a mess."
Green eyes drilled into hers. "What happened?"
The Amazon took her arm and guided her outside. "Wed better get back we thought you were being held against your will, Gabrielle. We decided to Eponin thought if she could get in one quick hit maybe we could well, she did, but she said she thought Xena just let her I dont.."
She stopped talking as Gabrielle wrenched free and took of towards the barn at a dead run. "Guess we were wrong." She sighed to the wind, and took of after her.
Eponin looked up at the approaching footsteps and sucked in a breath at the expression on Gabrielles face. Oh oh. She stood and backed up as the bard dropped to both knees next to her unconscious companion, and gently felt her pulsepoint. "Um Gabrielle.. I.."
Gabrielle just turned her head and looked at her. "Why?" Her voice held a note of quiet anger.
Eponin spread her hands. "We thought damn it, Gabrielle, what were we supposed to think?"
The bard threw up a hand in an angry gesture. "So you just came riding in here, and thought youd do..what, bash her over the head? Couldnt you have even asked me first? Dont I have a choice here?"
Solari knelt down, out of the bards easy reach. "Look.. youre an
Amazon Queen, Gabrielle. People just dont treat our queens like that and get away
with it, I dont care if they are Xena."
Continued in Part 1B
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