Disclaimers. Violence. Not graphic, but the subject material may upset persons particularly sensitive to the subject of violence in schools. My thanks to Simahoyo for pushing me, even if the story isn’t what either of us were hoping for.

Mail is always answered and appreciated. Kamouraskan@yahoo.com

I don’t know what the big deal is. I mean, it’s not like I feel any different or anything. Anyways, you should be talking to Lariel. She’s always writing down stuff about her feelings. I don’t do that stuff. That’s because I’m not good at it. I’m not insecure, just, that’s not one of the things I’m good at.

Right.; you can’t ask Lariel, can you? But she’s going to be okay. I’m not worried. But she’s like my only friend. They call us Lesbo’s, you know? ‘ cause we’re always hanging out. Kids say a lot of stuff like that, but they don’t say it around me very loudly. If you get what I mean.

So Tuesday...just another regular day. Got up, came to school with 1500 other kids. Went to home room. Mrs. Fransisi doesn’t know half the kid’s names; well, she does really. But that’s about all. Out of the 35 of us, I guess the most she can keep track of is the five biggest asskissers, and the five who cause the most trouble. So she knows me.

The bell rings and we push through the crowd to get to the next class. I duck into the stairwell and light up a cigarette. Jennifer and Sue were already there, and Sue was all hyper. Talking about what had happened to Darren. That some of the grade 10’s had taken him out after school and shoved his head in some shit and roughed him up. Well, that was no surprise; seems like everybody is always beating up somebody or being beaten on. Anyways, Darren wasn’t in class, and they’re all acting like they care.

Darren? Just another geek. Most of us are to somebody. I’m fast and big, so I suppose I could move up and be a jock , but I’m not into the team sports, but then neither is the school since they cut off the money for it. Anyways, Darren was a real geek. Top of the line weird guy, like a bully magnet or something. He’d just have to show his face and some of the guys would want to punch him just because he was there. I don’t know, this place, it gets to you, you know? Lariel told me she thought it was like being in a traffic jam. You’re all trapped inside your own little cars, and you can’t move, and you’re all stuck there. All these cars forced to go the same way. And some people start honking, cause they wanta be heard. And some people start fights. And some just drive right off the road.

She’s good at coming up with images like that. She’s really special, you know?

Sorry. Give me second, okay? I don’t like...just give me a second..

Anyways, so Darren showed up at lunch, and in about five minutes, word is out that he’s got a gun. Like he brought it for Show and Tell. So everybody’s telling Mike and Donny they better start running. Big Darren’s got a piece!

So there’s a clump of people in the yard around Darren, and at the other corner is Mike and his gang, and everybody’s freaking and obviously pushing them and shit. Sorry... Anyways, Mike and Donny go up to him. Like, what assholes! And everybody starts gathering around to watch, and Donny asks him something, and Darren pulls out the gun. And it’s like, nothing. It’s still Darren but he’s got a gun. Big deal. It’s still just Darren. And he gets that, you know. That it’s a joke. So he tells them it’s loaded, and it still seems like a gag. I don’t know where the monitors were. There are only couple and they’re just volunteer parents.

That’s when I saw Lariel walking up to him. I nearly choked, because I can feel that this is building up to something. But it’s like I’m the only one who sees that, everybody else is still thinking he looks just pathetic. So I move offa the fence and start going towards her, trying to figure out what I can do. You know, be ready. Anyways, she gets right between them and tells Donny to go away. Darren’s sweating and starts yelling at her. Well, that gets me panicky, so I force my way through and I tell him he’s scaring everybody. And he looks at me, and it’s like, yeah! I’m scaring people. And it’s like a real kick. Like if he had one wish in his whole sad little life, that would be it. So Lariel, she’s so fast, so cool, she picks up on that and says, they’ll think twice next time before they mess with you, you made your point, stuff like that.

I don’t know what happened next. There are so many kids, and the yard has its own energy. And people are pushing, and saying stuff, and I don’t think Darren can hear Lariel anymore, but when I saw she got shoved again, I went to help. Then Mike said something. I don’t know for sure what, but I could make a guess, and then Darren must have pulled the trigger maybe a foot away from him..

It was just like television. Wham! Mike didn’t like, fly across the yard, but he went back a ways. And it made everything change. It was like looking at a picture, and suddenly they switch to the negative.

I couldn’t see Darren anymore ‘cause everybody was coming at me trying to get away. But I heard the shots. Like it was once he pulled the trigger once, he had to keep going, you know? And there was all the screaming....and people running, and all I knew, I knew my friend was in there. And then I saw her. Still talking at him, crying....he was swinging the gun around and you’d think he’d be scared but he looked cool, you know, probably for the first time in his life. And I’m moving in fast when he sees me and aims it right at me, but the thing has got such a recoil that he misses, but I could hear that he hit some, something else. I don’t know who, and I don’t want to know. That’s normal, right? Cause I really don’t want to know.

So I hit him low, and he falls down screaming "Listen to me! Listen to me!" and I don’t know what that means, and I wish I did because I think I’m going to hear it in my head for a long time.

That’s when he shot Lariel.

Maybe if I’d kept out of it, she’d be okay, like maybe she could have stopped him if we had all stayed away. I know, she’s going to be all right, but I didn’t like the look in her eyes when they took her away. She’s got these amazing green eyes, they usually have this glow? But when they were loading her, she was staring at nothing, and....

Shit. She’s going to be okay.... because, I already get in a lot of trouble...you know? She always thinks she can help, but sometimes, what can anybody do?....and if she doesn’t... if she wasn’t around....

Anyways. We struggled, he shot himself. He’s dead, Mike’s dead, Donny’s dead, I’m alive. I don’t want to talk about that. I don’t want to talk it anymore, okay? Everybody in school got to be on TV and get a day off. What more is there, right?

I hear they’re going to have ID cards, and uniforms when school starts again. Is that true?

Look, don’t tell me about how safe it’s going to be. I know this building. We have, like 20 doors? I don’t care how many guards and cameras they buy, they be better off hiring teachers. Maybe people could get an education. Cause in a couple of months, and everything is slack again, I bet you I could bring in any weapon I wanted..

Metal detectors and guards will go real well with the concrete walls and the 12 foot fences, as if I gave a rat’s ass. I don’t think I’m coming back. I figure, I may be in prison some day for real, so why should I play pretend until then?

No, I’m not too freaked out. I just don’t want to talk about that part, okay? Maybe with Lariel...

But until then, I got stuff, you know..?

Can I go now?