The Sense the Gods Gave a Horse

"Hey Argo watch the tail will ya’. I’m standing back here you know."

Yeah I know, haven’t you seen that bald spot you’ve started back there? Would just move your damned hand just a little to the left please. I look back again. Boy do you have it bad or what? I look over at the camp. Yeah, yeah…she’s cute but not at the cost of my coat. Do you mind? Shifting those back legs again.

"Argo hold still." She pushes back against my hindquarters. Well at least I got her to move her hand.

Oh yeah that’s good. That’ll do. A new and exciting adventure in how to groom your horse without drawing blood, yours or mine. I look over at her again. Well at least the color of her coat is good too. You got that right this time. Do you remember that mean spirited brunette you dated? I didn’t like her at all. At least this one gives me apples and sweet oats. All in all she’s not too bad for a human. She does tend to talk a lot though. Hey, hey you’re headed for that spot again. Stop right there. Thwack!

"Argo…I’m warning you watch the tail. I’ll braid it if you don’t behave."

Yeah and then I’ll beat you senseless with it. Go ahead. That’s it move around to the other side lots of coat to be brushed there. Oh yeah right there, right there where the saddle rubs. Yeah I’m getting a callous. You know some salve right there would be nice. I don’t believe this. You’re turning me around so you can look at her. You know I think you’ve lost it. Why don’t you go over there and tell her how you feel? Oh I forgot. She’ll leave you. Yeah riiight. She wouldn’t leave you if you grew a third arm. Hey a third arm might not be a bad thing. Maybe a third arm could reach some of the spots that your other two seem to have forgotten about. Hey, hey, you see those muscles up there on my back twitching? It’s an invitation. You know just like the one she gives you every time she takes her clothes off to go take a bath or to go swimming. Didn’t think I noticed did you? Yeah I noticed and so have you. You haven’t noticed the muscles in my back though. You’re hopeless.

"Argo what has gotten into you tonight? Hold still and watch the hooves, you all most got my foot."

Argo, watch the tail. Argo, watch the hooves. Argo, watch the bard. No, wait a moment isn’t that your job? Seems to be your favorite past time. I remember a time when brushing your horse was your favorite past time. Thwack!

"Argo!"

That was just for good measure. You know what you need Princess. You need to get laid. If you go over there and ask her real nice she’ll help you out with that. Maybe if I go over there and ask her real nice she’ll help you out with that. Then maybe tomorrow night I’ll get a decent grooming, cause I gotta tell you, you’ve been doing a half ass job of it these past few moons.

"You know girl I just don’t know what to do?"

You don’t say? Well I know what you need to do. You need to go over there, take her in your arms and kiss her until you both pass out.

"I love her so much."

No kidding. Now tell me something every one in Greece doesn’t know. So go tell her. It’s not that hard.

"It’s just so hard."

Oh horse shit. You’re just making excuses. You’ve done things a lot harder than that. You just need to go over there and say Gabrielle I love you. She’ll jump you so fast your armor will melt.

"I don’t want to scare her off."

Scare her off? Scare her off? Not likely, if she’s stuck by you this long she’s not going anywhere. You didn’t have to listen to her all the furkin’ way up Mount Nessus and all the furkin’ way back down and then all the way to the Amazons. By the way, tell Auto to put on a little weight, he’s got a bony butt and Gabrielle says his mustache tickles.

"I never should have kissed her."

Sure you should have and you should do it again too. You should do it lots and lots. Then maybe you’d brush something besides my backside. You have an ass fetish you know that. Touching mine, watching hers. Hey I look like I’m getting mange back there. Let’s move on to the next spot you can brush all the fur out of. You know if you keep this up, first guy who comes a long and offers me an apple has got himself a new horse. You can carry all your own crap from one side of Greece to the other.

"Well girl. I’m going to call it a night."

Oh sure half finish the horse. Then go over there sit down next to her, stare at her all night long never saying anything to her. Well not tonight Princess and not ever again if I have anything to say in the matter. Yeah that’s right I’m following you. Stop looking at me like I’m crazy. I’m the only sane one here.

"Argo stay."

Excuse me? Do I look like a dog? Hmm…nope real short fur, long tail, big bushy mane on my neck, which hasn’t been combed in weeks. Great big long face with a broad nose. Hooves, one, two, three, four hooves yup they’re all still there. Nope I don’t see anything but horseflesh here. See how she stands to greet you when you get back. Look at the smile on her face for Gods sake.

"Xena what’s with Argo?"

"I don’t know. She’s been acting strangely all night. If I didn’t know better I’d say she’s upset about something."

You got that right. Now get just a little closer to her. That’s it. You like being that close to her don’tcha. Well try this on for size. Nudge. Bulls-eye. Right in to little bard arms. That’s it. Look into those eyes. She what she sees. There you go. Oh no you don’t. Nudge. Stop looking at me and kiss her already or do you want me to do that for you too. Yes there you go Princess. Now that wasn’t that hard was it? Now it seems like you have every thing in hand here. I’m gonna go over and check out that clover I saw earlier.

The moon at least lets me see the clover. Ah it’s got a little dew on it. It might not be such a bad night after all. How you guys doing over there? Oh you’ve got everything under control. See I told you she’d help you out with that. Now maybe I’ll get a good brushing tomorrow.

"Oh Xena…oh…yes…a little to the left…ohhh yes that’s it…"

Oh sure for her you’ll move a little to the left.

"Xena?"

"Hmm?"

"Remind me when we get into town tomorrow to get Argo a bag of sweet oats."

Oh yes! Score one for the horse. Sweet oats yum. She’s really not bad, for a human.

"Yeah and a whole basket of apples."

You just remember how to use the brush and leave the treats to the bard.

The End.