Chapter 7

"Anyone home?"

"Xena," Adia welcomed the tall warrior into the home she shared with her mate, Sartori. "Of course, come in."

The tall blonde rose, dusting her hands of powdered herbs, and then clasped the warrior's forearm in greeting. A number of sacks and wooden bowls were scattered atop a small wooden table and Adia pulled over another chair, indicating it to Xena.

"Please, sit."

"I didn't mean to interrupt…if you're busy…" Xena let the statement trail off.

"No, no, come on, sit down," the Healer pushed aside some of the bowls.

Xena sat down in the chair and the worried expression on her face told Adia that this wasn't merely a social call. Besides, the warrior wasn't exactly the type for chatty visits over nothing. Just then, the door to the bedroom opened and Sartori appeared in the doorway.

"Xena, how wonderful to see you," the small Healer welcomed. "I was just going to make some tea, won't you join us?"

"Um…well, actually…I kind of wanted to…well, to talk to Adia," Xena responded hesitantly.

Sartori was a smart woman and considering her wife's area of Healing, whenever they had visitors that asked for her mate, Sartori made herself scarce.

"Of course. Well, how about a cup of tea anyway? I have a patient to see in the infirmary, so I can get out of your hair for a while."

Before the warrior knew it, she was sipping on a soothing mug of raspberry mint tea as the small Healer gave her wife a kiss on the cheek before heading out the door.

"I won't be long." Xena said, half rising from her seat.

"Nonsense, I'll be busy for candlemarks. Take all the time you need."

Sartori gave the warrior's arm a squeeze on her way out and Xena responded with a grateful smile.

Xena gazed around the room, then at the floor, seemingly unable to start the conversation, now that she was sitting here in front of the Healer. Adia recognized the reticence, having seen it in many patients, especially warriors. There were some who always found it more difficult than others to ask for the help they desired.

"How about grabbing a bowl and helping?" Adia asked her friend, hoping that the act of sorting through herbs might calm Xena's mind.

In truth, Xena was one of the few, actually, she was the only person Adia ever let see the herbs she used for her dreamscape healings. Xena knew nearly as much as the Healer about the medicines used in the procedures, so there was no fear the knowledge would be abused.

The two women sat there in silence, sipping on mugs of tea and stripping the tiny dried leaves off the stiff green branches. Adia was patient; her understanding of her friend's ways went deeper than even Xena understood. She allowed the comfortable silence to continue, not feeling the need to fill it up with mindless chatter. Eventually, Xena's mind sorted through her thoughts and she began to speak.

"Do you remember when you helped Gabrielle and I to heal her dreamscape?" Xena asked the Healer.

Adia nodded. "Yes, yes, I do."

It wasn't something she would easily forget, knowing the two women loved and cared for one another so much, yet having to hold back from telling each of them how the other felt. Her job as a Healer had often put her into that position, a reason why she and her wife were so well trusted. The two Healers knew virtually every secret, of every Amazon in the village, but they were very closed mouth about their patient's private lives. Everyone was entitled to privacy, even in such a small village.

"She's having nightmares…I mean, not just regular bad dreams," Xena was quick to interject. "She's having some kind of hellish dreams. She wakes up screaming, crying, she pleads for forgiveness in her sleep, but when I try to get her to tell me about them, she starts crying, saying she can't. Not that she doesn't remember, or anything like that, but she says she can't."

Xena paused and tossed the stripped branch into a basket on the floor. "You should hear her, Adia, begging in her dreams. She sounds so frightened, terrified of not being forgiven. It's so hard to listen to," Xena finished.

"Xena, you know I'd do anything to help Gabrielle, but she has to want the help. I'm curious as to why she didn't come to me and ask herself. She's never been afraid to talk to me."

"I know it sounds like I'm making more out of this than there may be, but I have the strangest feeling that she doesn't feel like she deserves forgiveness for whatever she thinks she's done. I even thought maybe…" Xena stopped abruptly and tears welled up in her eyes. "I thought maybe she blamed me in her dreams again…you know, in a way she can't control," she hastily added. "Maybe that's why she feels guilty…for blaming me."

"Xena, do you think Gabrielle holds you responsible in some way for your daughter's death?" Adia asked in confusion.

"I don't know!" the warrior jumped up. Xena began to pace the floor and the Healer realized that she was one of the few who would ever see the Warrior Princess this way, the warrior wringing her hands in frustration. Xena's heart, her entire world, was so focused on Gabrielle that the Healer didn't even want to think what would become of Xena, should any harm ever befall the Queen.

"I only know that she's pulling away. Not just from me," Xena lifted concerned blue eyes to the Healer, "but from life. When Gabrielle suffers heartbreak, she writes or buries herself in something to get her focus back. Do you know where she is right now?"

Adia silently shook her head back and forth.

"She's down on the practice field with her staff." Xena responded.

The Healer raised her eyebrows slightly. "Well, I admit, that is rather uncharacteristic of Gabrielle," Adia muttered, almost to herself.

"It's what I do, Adia," Xena said in exasperation. "I do it because at one time I didn't know any better. Because I had no idea, what it meant to be in touch with my feelings or my emotions. They were foreign to me. Most of all, I still do it because there are days when I look into my own heart and what I see there, what I've done in my past, still terrifies me. What I want to know is, why is my wife feeling that way? How could someone so full of compassion and light, be afraid to confront their feelings?"

The warrior's passionate plea struck right at the Healer's heart. She'd heard of the things that lay in Xena's past and she knew that the stories she'd heard were probably only the things people would dare speak. She cringed to think of the atrocities that people were too afraid to mention regarding the woman before her. If anyone understood or recognized the concept of being too afraid to deal with something from the past, it was Xena.

"How about if I talk to Gabrielle? Let me see if I can't encourage her to enter the dreamscape with you?" Adia said.

Relief flowed across Xena's face and the look on the warrior's face told Adia that if the dark-haired woman hadn't thanked the Healer so quickly, and nearly rushed from the room, Xena would have broken down in tears.

The tall Healer stood in the middle of the room; hands on her hips, trying to decide the best way to handle someone like Gabrielle. Unsure of her Queen's frame of mind, Adia was sure of one thing, however. She walked into the bedroom and retrieved a long staff from one corner, then opened the large chest at the end of the bed. It was quite a long time ago when she last used them, but when she unwrapped the soft leather, they looked the same as when they were first forged. She tested their weight, one in each hand, grinning and flipping them easily, then sliding them, one into each boot.

Adia left the hut, headed for the practice field. The Healer knew what it was like to feel rage, pain, and hurt. Because of her nature, and her gift, the accepted outlet had always been compassion, to help and heal. There was a time, though, when she couldn't find her way to feel those emotions. She could barely sustain them for another, let alone herself. She needed a way to sort through the mess her life was in, a way to create order from chaos. She needed a path to follow; perhaps it was just a way to channel all that anger. Even though the rage was what she leveled at herself out of her own guilt.

Adia hummed a tune she remembered from those days. She paused when she neared the practice field. Closing her eyes, hearing the shouts and cries of women sparring, and hearing the sounds of their weapons striking against one another, it all combined to bring the Healer back to another time. Some decent memories, but most…ones she would rather not relive.

**********

"It's been an honor, my Queen." The young woman said, bowing stiffly to Gabrielle.

Gabrielle smiled up at the fifteen-summers-old warrior, who was already taller than she was. The smile was genuine and not forced, that felt good. This was the first time in nearly two candlemarks that the small blonde thought about herself, her pain…her guilt. When she was fighting, there was no thinking, only doing. She acted on instinct and learned skills, her world revolving on only the amount of space between herself and her opponent.

Eponin very gently cuffed her student in the back of the head. "Honor? You let a woman half your size kick the crap out of you!"

Gabrielle smiled again. She remembered her friend's manner of teaching, reminiscing back to the days when Eponin and Ephiny first taught her to use a staff. They treated her like the novice she was and she became a better student because of it.

"Well, yes I did, Weapons Master, but…well, she is the wife of the Warrior Princess, after all." The young warrior grinned.

Eponin looked at Gabrielle, giving her a wink, then turned back to glare at her student. "Oh, I see. So, you were…shall we say, holding back some, out of courtesy, of course."

"Yea, that's it," the youth said, lowering her voice in case her Queen should be listening. "I mean…she is our Queen and I wouldn't want to--"

"Hurt her," Eponin finished for the girl.

"Yea, that's it."

"I see," Eponin drawled, watching as Gabrielle walked up behind the young student. "Well," she turned the girl and enjoyed the expression, a combination of embarrassment and fear, which came across the girl's face. "I'm sure since your Queen knows how you feel now, she wouldn't dream of making you hold back. As a matter of fact, I bet she'll try twice as hard this time…just for you."

The young woman swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat, causing an audible sound heard throughout the camp. Suddenly her classmates, catching on to the ruse, started laughing at their comrade. Seeing that her bragging had undone her, the young warrior bowed deeply to the Queen.

"My apologies, your highness," she said with a disarming smile.

"Go on…get out of here!" Eponin barked, trying to keep the look of amusement off her own face.

Once they stood alone, Eponin turned to Gabrielle, noticing the Queen still breathing rather heavily. 

"I guess it'll take more than one day to get into shape," Gabrielle commented.

"You need more than practice to get in shape," the Amazon said under her breath.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you need to eat, sleep, and practice to be a healthy warrior, Gabrielle." Eponin didn't want to come down on her friend so soon after the tragedy in Gabrielle's life, but this was the only way she knew to be.

"Ep, I am not a warrior," Gabrielle replied.

"Could have fooled me."

Gabrielle smiled slightly. "Yea, I guess I did kick a few butts out here today."

"Perhaps that's because you haven't been fighting anyone your own size," a voice commented from behind the Queen.

Gabrielle turned and the exclamation of surprise written on her face was quite evident. The Queen looked at the tall woman who, in Gabrielle's mind up to this point, was a peace-loving Healer. Adia stood as tall as Xena, looking more the part of a warrior than any healer did. The Amazon casually leaned on a staff that appeared to be a bit longer than Gabrielle's stave, plus, she had two weapons peeking out of the top cuff of each of her leather boots.

"Adia, I've been using this thing quite a long time," Gabrielle said to her friend, unsure of how to dissuade the tall woman from the sparring match she seemed intent on having.

"Well, then a warrior of your skill won't have any trouble holding back if it should become necessary," Adia drawled with confidence.

The comment got under her skin just a tiny bit. Something about the Healer's mild arrogance reminded Gabrielle of her wife. "I'm not a warrior," Gabrielle added flatly.

"Gabrielle," Adia smiled in a friendly manner. "You've lived enough of life to know that things aren't always as they appear. The same holds true for people."

"So, you've used the staff before?" Gabrielle asked in surprise.

"Like you, My Queen, I have found that occasionally peace works best when it comes at the end of a very large stick." Adia twirled the stave expertly, to seemingly prove her skill.

"All right…" Gabrielle smiled.

Adia tried to appear unaffected by that smile, but it seemed awfully close to the one Xena got, just before she laid someone out with one blow.

"Step into the ring, you who are so much more than a Healer," Gabrielle finished.

Adia stepped forward and bowed slightly, never taking her eyes off the smaller woman.

"I am honored, you who are so much more than a bard."

**********

Gabrielle was breathing through her mouth, but Adia didn't seem to be in much better shape herself.

Gods, this girl is good! Adia thought to herself, narrowly avoiding having her legs swept from underneath her.

Hades! Where does a Healer learn to fight like this, Gabrielle thought, going on the defensive once more.

In two quick moves, Gabrielle managed to put the Healer on her back, the staff flying from her grip. The Queen moved her stave in to her opponent's throat, to command the victory, but Adia pulled what looked like a cross between a short sword and a dagger from each boot and succeeded in blocking Gabrielle's staff away from her prone body.

The match was on once more as Adia continually fought off Gabrielle's attacks with nothing more than the oddly shaped handles of the weapons, which looked like curved prongs. The Healer blocked, parried, and even managed to hook Gabrielle's leg, flipping the small woman to the ground. Gabrielle rolled and brought herself up quickly, more than surprising the stunned Healer. That was all the advantage Gabrielle needed. A swing right, then left, dealt a stinging blow to both of the Healer's hands, causing Adia's weapons to go flying.

Adia was certain that Gabrielle saw she had disable the Healer, but Gabrielle didn't seem to realize that fact. Either that or she didn't want to recognize it. The end of the Queen's staff ended up coming across and Gabrielle brought the powerful strike up into the Healer's ribcage. It wasn't until Adia was on her knees, gasping for air, that Eponin's shouts got through to the young Queen.

"Oh, Gods!" Gabrielle exclaimed, dropping her staff and rushing over to the fallen woman.

"Okay," Adia croaked. "I'm okay."

Gabrielle helped the Healer to her feet, apologizing repeatedly.

"Gabrielle, it's okay," Adia said, lowering herself to sit upon one of the low benches that were situated around the field. "No need to apologize, you didn't mean to do it." Adia looked up into Gabrielle's silent face. "That is unless you did mean to do it," she added softly.

Gabrielle and the Healer simply stared at one another knowingly.

Suddenly Eponin felt as if she were intruding. "Uh, I guess if you two are through beating on each other…um, I'm gonna take off."

Gabrielle acknowledged the warrior with a nod, never taking her eyes from the seated woman.

"Sit down before you fall down," the Healer ordered, once Eponin left them alone. "And, if you say you're sorry one more time…" she grinned.

"What's going on, Gabrielle?" the Healer decided to pull no punches.

Gabrielle brushed sweaty bangs from her face, shaking her head back and forth, as tears filled her eyes. "I'm not sure I know. All of a sudden…I'm not very sure of who I am."

"Then you happen to be in luck, my friend," Adia responded, placing an arm around the small, forlorn woman's shoulders. "I just happen to be having a special today on helping people figure out that very thing."

Adia grinned down at the young Queen and Gabrielle leaned against the taller woman, relieved to be able to let go of this burden…if only for a little while.

"I hurt, Adia, and I don't know how to make the feeling go away," Gabrielle said.

"I know you do, Gabrielle. I wish I could tell you that I had some type of herb that would make the pain go away, some medicine you could take, but there is only one healing agent for pain like this."

Gabrielle looked up expectantly.

"Time," Adia finished.

Gabrielle lowered her head again. "In most cases I would agree with you. In this situation, time is my enemy."

"I think you're going to have to explain that statement."

"With every candlemark that goes by, the pain is worse. Every moment that passes buries me a little bit more until I feel as if I'll never get the real Gabrielle back again. Even just now, Adia, when I hit you. I'm acting like a warrior, but I don't have enough of a warrior's mentality to make those kinds of decisions. I feel almost as though I have a skill I can't control. The odd thing is, I don't even know why I'm turning to this. I am not a warrior." Gabrielle added that last as if she were trying to convince herself.

The Healer thought about what she'd just heard, trying to convince herself that this was still Gabrielle, but it simply didn't sound like her friend. She decided to take a stab in the dark and hope she hit on the truth.

"Gabrielle, I only know of one thing that would cause pain to grow worse over time instead of becoming easier to bear. That would be guilt."

"I know," the young Queen nodded her head sorrowfully.

Gabrielle held her head in her hands as Adia looked on. The Healer was slightly stunned to hear this revelation from the young woman.

"Gabrielle, talk to me. What could you have possibly done to cause such guilt?" Adia asked in disbelief.

Again, the Queen shook her head. "My baby…"

Gabrielle trailed off, realizing suddenly that she couldn't admit the truth to Adia. There was only one woman she could possibly share this grief with, but that was the very woman that Gabrielle couldn't tell. She couldn't admit the truth to Xena. What she had would surely end then.

"I can't, Adia…I just can't talk about it."

"Not even to Xena? Gabrielle, do remember what happened the last time you said that to me? It turned out that Xena acted as your champion in your dreamscape, as well as in reality."

"I can't say anything to anyone, especially not Xena," Gabrielle responded, her eyes closing and a heavy sigh escaping past her lips. "I'm so tired, Adia."

"Gabrielle, Xena told me about your nightmares. She loves you, she would understand anything she saw in your dreamscape."

"Not this," she answered, her eyes filling with tears.

"Then let me help you," Adia offered.

"It won't work," Gabrielle answered.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You told me the first time that if anything in the dreamscape appealed to us, we wouldn't be able to change its outcome."

"Do you feel as though you deserve this guilt?" Adia asked.

"Yes," Gabrielle's tears fell in earnest with her answer.

Adia reached over and held the young woman in her arms, feeling the tension in the body she was holding. She could tell that Gabrielle hadn't completely allowed her guard to go down.

"We can work around that, my friend. The first thing we need to do is to get in there and stop the nightmare. Will you let me at least try?"

Gabrielle straightened herself up and wondered if she should at least try to end the nightmares. She couldn't tell the Healer that the pain could never be taken away, but perhaps if just the nightmares would end.

"I keep doing something in my dream…I can't tell you why, but I can't stop it. The harder I try, the worse it is. It's like someone else is directing my body, making it do something terrible."

"Should we get Xena and try this right away?"

"No! Not Xena," Gabrielle exclaimed. "It can't be Xena…she can't see…I don't want her to know."

"But, Gabrielle--"

"No, please, Adia, can't you do it? Please?"

"All right, it's okay," Adia tried to calm the young woman. As soon as the Healer mentioned Xena, Gabrielle became nearly hysterical. "I'll enter your dreamscape, but I won't do it behind your wife's back. Xena is the Queen's champion, on any plane of reality. You'll have to explain to her why you want me to take her place."

Gabrielle's face twisted into such a tortured grimace that Adia almost gave in. Finally, Gabrielle's desire to rid herself of the horrible nightmares was greater than the fear of explaining to her wife. She nodded to the woman seated next to her.

"Give me a few candlemarks to clean up and explain things to Xe. Can you come by our house?"

"Of course. I'll ask Sartori to come along as a little moral support for Xena, okay?"

The silent nod of Gabrielle's head again. Adia wondered what in the known world could be plaguing Gabrielle's dreams, to turn a normally open and loving person into such an uncommunicative woman.

Gabrielle rose to go. "What are those little things you fought with?" she asked.

Adia grinned. "They're called sais. I learned to use the sai when I traveled around Chin for a few seasons. It seemed deadlier than a staff, but it didn't have to be if I didn't want it to."

The Healer pulled them from her boots and handed over the weapons, which looked a bit larger in her smaller friend's hands. Gabrielle flipped them; end to handle, easily and the sudden smile on the Queen's face surprised Adia. She looked on as Gabrielle tested their weight in her hands, looking quite as ease with the weapons.

"Would you like to learn how to use them?"

Adia didn't know for certain why she even asked. She knew that Gabrielle was skilled with a blade, having seen her spar with Xena once or twice, but it was rare. She knew that Gabrielle never really came to grips with the idea of killing anyone, even an enemy. It was something in the young woman's eyes, in the way she appeared completely comfortable with the sais that caused Adia to ask. She thought that Gabrielle looked rather natural with a weapon that could be used for defense, but could also be made to kill.

"Yes, please…they feel very…I'm not sure, but they give me a feeling of security, in a way," Gabrielle answered.

Gabrielle finally remembered the seated woman and flipped the sais back, exactly as Adia had, handing them to the Healer.

"No, you keep them, my friend," Adia smiled. "I think they know who to belong to better than we."

"Oh no, I--"

"Please, Gabrielle. I have no need for them anymore."

Gabrielle accepted the gift and Adia demonstrated some of the fundamental moves. The Queen caught on quicker than the Healer had, all those years ago. She remembered what her instructor told her, back in Chin, that anyone who wielded a staff, as a weapon, already possessed the skills to become expert with a sai.  

Adia watched the young woman walk away, Gabrielle flipping the sais in her hands as she strolled along. The Healer was curious as to what could be so terrible in Gabrielle's dreamscape that she couldn't make her own wife privy to it. She knew Xena would do anything to see Gabrielle well, but she certainly didn't envy the small blonde the task of explaining to the Warrior Princess that she would not be the Queen's champion this time.

**********

Gabrielle walked into their home with a heavy heart. She was torn between ridding herself of her nightmares, and allowing anyone else to see the terrifying images that existed within her mind's eye. She didn't understand why Morpheus was torturing her so; she thought the God had befriended them after Xena fought against Hera to save all the Olympian Gods. Morpheus even made it possible for Xena and Gabrielle to meet in the dreamscape, when the Queen was lying ill and dying and Xena searched for the Elixir of Life in the caverns below Delos. The young woman grew sadder as she realized that even Morpheus knew of her guilt. Her father wouldn't come to her, now Morpheus was trying to punish her through her dreams.

Gabrielle enjoyed the way the small sais felt in her hands. It was a strange sensation, rather like when she fought with her staff. The wood became an extension of her, just as these small weapons seemed a part of her. Using a sword wasn't completely foreign to her. Xena taught her the basics, and it must have been assimilation, from watching her warrior fight and practice, which added what little polish she had to her swordplay. Gabrielle never felt comfortable with the heavy blade in her hand, however. Whereas Xena literally felt it was another part of her body, the young Queen thought it felt unnatural to her.

With a heavy sigh, Gabrielle opened the door and immediately the lovely scent of lilac assailed her. She sat the weapons on the table as Xena appeared in the doorway of the bathing chamber, a knowing look on her face.

"I saw you coming up the hill and thought I'd get a bath ready for you. If your muscles ache anything like mine do after a layoff, you probably need it about now."

"Thank you, Xe…you're too good to me…I don't deserve you," Gabrielle added sadly.

The warrior quickly moved across the room and enfolded the small woman within her embrace. Xena made it a gentle hug, not even hinting at the desire she felt whenever she touched Gabrielle. She wanted the woman in her arms to know she was safe here and that Xena would wait as long as need be, for her wife to find her way back to herself again.

"You're right…you don't deserve me," Xena teased. "No one as wonderful as you, my heart, deserves to be trapped with this old warrior for the rest of their lives. But, you made an honest woman of me, so I guess you're stuck with me."

Gabrielle wrapped her arms around the warrior's waist and squeezed tightly.

"Hey, did I put my foot in it again?" Xena asked, pulling back slightly. She tenderly lifted Gabrielle's face and saw the fatigue, along with the hurt, written on the young woman's face. "Brie, what is it? I was only joking, you know that, right?"

"It's not that, Xe," Gabrielle answered, closing the distance between them once more.

The smaller woman laid her head against the soft leather covering the warrior's chest, listening to the steady heartbeat. How could she tell her wife how true the statement was? She doesn't even realize that I don't deserve her. She doesn't see that all I ever do is bring her hurt and pain.

"I talked with Adia," Gabrielle said.

"Oh…did she tell you I talked to her?" Xena asked. The warrior didn't think now would be the best time to start lying to Gabrielle about it.

The Queen nodded her head.

"Mad at me?" The warrior questioned. Xena didn't think her wife was angry. This definitely wasn't Gabrielle's ‘you are toast, warrior' face.

"No, honey, but we have to talk."

"Okay…" Xena drawled hesitantly. She had never known those words to preface anything but bad news.

"It's not as bad as you think, warrior." Gabrielle offered up a grim smile. "Do you mind if I take that bath first?"

"No, come on…" Xena began to lead the way, but stopped abruptly. "I mean, well you probably don't want me in there. I'll just--"

Gabrielle reached out and grabbed Xena's hand, pulling her into the bathing room. "Come on, warrior. You're on back washing detail."

**********

Xena sat on a small stool beside the large tub. She gently ran the soapy sponge along Gabrielle's shoulders and back, watching as her wife stretched some of her tired muscles.

"Brie! You've got a pretty nasty bruise under your shoulder blade," Xena exclaimed.

"I think I got that when I hit the ground. It's okay, I think it must look worse than it feels," Gabrielle answered with a deliberate air of nonchalance.

The Queen caught her wife out of the corner of her eye, seeing Xena wince as the warrior examined the bruise. The dark-haired woman fought harder every season, trying to stay unaffected, as the woman she loved became increasingly more like a warrior. Gabrielle saw Xena's expression and she wanted to reassure her, show her as much love as Xena had shown her in the difficult times. Gabrielle closed her eyes for a moment. She wanted to reach out to Xena; to explain what she was going through, but she simply couldn't. Gabrielle could barely understand the feelings of aggression and anger, hurt and betrayal that she was experiencing. If she didn't understand why she seemed drawn to a warrior's path; why the pain only lessened when she fought, then how in the world could she explain any of it to her wife?

"Did someone give you a new toy?" Xena referred to the weapons that Gabrielle laid on the table when she came in from the practice field.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Adia showed me how to use them. I was just…taken with them I guess. Does that bother you, Xe?"

"Yes and no, I guess. I'm proud of you Gabrielle, proud that you can take care of yourself, be a strong leader for your people. I worry less because I know that you're not only smart, but you're skilled with a weapon too. I have to admit, though, I truly wish we lived in a world where the woman I loved didn't feel the need to carry a weapon. I've killed so many people, Gabrielle, even in the name of good, and I know how that affects a person. Sometimes I even carry guilt because I feel as if I'm to blame for setting you on this path in the first place."

"Xena, you never forced me to pick up a weapon, that was my own choice."

"Maybe…maybe not," Xena replied. "Was it really your own choice, Brie? I let you travel with me, knowing what a headstrong, stubborn girl you were. I should have put my foot down, shipped you off to the Academy in Athens that day you bought the breast dagger."

"Then why didn't you?" Gabrielle asked with a tinge of irritation in her voice.

"For completely selfish reasons. I think I was in love with you by then."

Gabrielle's ire disappeared like ice melting away. She turned her body to look into the beautiful blue eyes that captured her heart so many seasons ago.

"Xe, when you say things like that…you make it impossible for me to argue with you. You know that, don't you?" Gabrielle said with a small smile.

Xena responded with a sad smile of her own. "Don't you see what I mean, Brie? I should have known that you wouldn't be content standing behind me, allowing me to protect you all the time. I should have known that being around a warrior would set you on the same path, as well. It was all because I was too selfish. I didn't want to let you go, and so I've watched, saying nothing all these seasons while you strayed further and further from your own path."

"And what path would that be? Bard, Queen, Amazon, your wife? Xe, which path is mine…which one am I supposed to follow?" Gabrielle responded.

"It seems as if you're following a warrior's path lately," Xena said quietly, her eyes unable to meet Gabrielle's.

"I'm not a warrior," Gabrielle repeated for the third time that day. "And if I was, what would be so bad about being like you?" Gabrielle added, turning her face away from her wife's intense gaze.

Xena's hand shot out and she quickly turned Gabrielle's face toward her own. "Gabrielle, I am not someone to emulate! You of all people should know that I am the way I am due mostly to the horrible, awful things that I've seen or done. Sweetheart, don't you know yet that any good qualities I possess are because of you, and what you've given me?" Xena finished with tears in her eyes.

Tears rose up in Gabrielle's own eyes at the warrior's powerful statement. "I'm sorry, Xe…I just don't see those qualities in me anymore."

Xena smiled and cupped the small blonde's face in one hand, brushing away an errant tear with her thumb. "Do you remember the first time we made love?" Xena asked.

Gabrielle's eyes sparkled for a moment. "It's hard to forget that evening. It was perfect," she answered.

You told me something then, when I explained to you that I had no idea what you could possibly see in an old warrior like me that would be worth loving. You said that you would just have to teach me to look at myself through your eyes." Xena reached over and placed a gentle kiss on her wife's forehead.

"That's what I need to teach you, to see yourself through my eyes. No matter what happens, Brie, now or in the future, you will always look like that young girl who ran away from Potidaea to follow me."

Neither of them exchanged another word as Gabrielle rose from the tub, the warrior wrapping a large towel around the small blonde. Gabrielle toweled the dampness from her long hair and sat beside the fire in the bathing area, letting the heat from the flames dry the golden locks. Finally, Gabrielle dressed and she and Xena moved to sit at the table in the main room. They shared a mug of tea, neither of them knowing what more to say. Gabrielle knew there could be no other way but to simply say it, so she held her breath and stepped right into it.

"I told you I spoke with Adia…"

Xena nodded her head. Every muscle in her body felt tense, as if she were prepared to do battle. "Yea…how'd it go?" she asked in a soft voice.

Gabrielle reached over and placed a hand on top of the warrior's hand. "We're going to try entering my dreamscape…to see if it will help me to get rid of the nightmares," Gabrielle responded, keeping her eyes trained on the table.

Xena breathed a thankful sigh of relief. She noticed quickly, however, that Gabrielle wouldn't raise her head up to meet the warrior's eyes. That's when Xena first saw it. It was in the way Gabrielle held her body, and how she brushed her thumb across Xena's own hand. It looked a lot like her wife was trying very hard to break something to the warrior.

"When you say we, you mean you and I, right?"

Finally, Gabrielle looked up. "No, Xe. I mean Adia and I."

Xena's jaw tightened. It was a reflexive response and few people would have noticed, but those others didn't know this woman's every move…every breath as Gabrielle did. She recognized the barely discernable move as Xena's way of coping with something new and unpleasant. She was grinding her teeth together, trying not to make her displeasure apparent.

"I see," the warrior eventually replied in a controlled voice. "So, the Queen is appointing a new Champion?"

Gabrielle let out a heavy sigh; she knew this wasn't going to be easy. "Xena--"

"No, I just want to be clear on this."

They stared at one another for a brief moment. Xena didn't want to act this way. In fact, she didn't understand why she was reacting this way. She wanted Gabrielle healed…that was the purpose, right? Did it really matter who entered the dreamscape? It was just the niggling fear that her wife was choosing another over her. For the first time in their relationship, Xena felt Gabrielle was lying to her. That's where her anger came from. It wasn't simply anger…it was fear.

"Gabrielle…why are you lying to me?" Xena decided to come straight out with it.

"Hades! Xena, why do you have to make such a big deal out of this?" Gabrielle jumped up from the table and began pacing the floor.

"Why aren't you being honest with me?"

"Because you wouldn't understand!" Gabrielle shot back.

"Then explain it to me," Xena stood in front of the agitated woman. "Brie, help me to understand."

"That's impossible! It would change things…change the way you feel!"

"Brie, didn't I just explain that could never happen?"

"It's what you say now, but--"

Xena's anger sparked with those words. "So, you're either telling me I'm a liar, or that you simply don't believe me."

Gabrielle took a deep breath. "I believe that you want to believe it, Xe," Gabrielle admitted in exasperation. "When you say you'll love me, no matter what, I know you think you mean it, but there are things…things that could change that…that will change it."

"And you won't tell me what those things might be," Xena straightened herself up, a grim expression on her face.

"No," Gabrielle said softly, turning to face away from the warrior.

Gabrielle didn't have to turn around to know that when she heard the closing of the door, she was standing alone in the large room.

Continued

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