Part 4:Earth Beyond Fire

The next morning they made tearful farewells; Corin and Celia were very sorry to see them go, and Thalesia was feeling the loss of her friend all the more keenly for seeing her so briefly. Celia gave Cait a knife with a strangely-carved handle, a relic of her Amazon life; for Paladia she had a sort of short necklace or bracelet, of teeth and wooden beads, neither of which Paladia recognized. Corin put his arm around Paladia's shoulders and squeezed hard.

"You are like a daughter to me, lass," he said. "Go do what you need to do, but come back to us, alright? You know you are always welcome here."

Paladia wept harder, not even caring that the older Amazons were looking at them. It was almost too much, after coming so close...

At last they set forth, taking turns rowing and walking, as there was not room for all four of them in the boat Cait had drifted down in.

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Ephiny lay on the table in the guest hut. Enomalie had covered it with odd, weirdly patterned, heavy fabrics; it was pleasant to lie on. The Priestess encouraged her to talk when she came in; then when all the words had drained from her, she lay on the table, and the Priestess... Ephiny was not quite sure what she did. It put her into a strange state of being; gave her an odd floating feeling. She thought the woman usually touched her, but once she had opened her eyes and found that the Priestess' hands were several feet above her skin. On one occasion she could have sworn there was more than one pair of hands touching her, but only the Priestess was in the room. Sometimes she pressed places on her body. The lightest touch could send intense pain shooting in lines through her whole system, but it was never more than she could bear, and it seemed to release something, because the lines of pain changed and shifted.

Once Enomalie went from corner to corner of the table and gave a sharp percussive clap with her hands, which seemed to reverberate oddly. Whatever the treatment was, it seemed to work. Ephiny released floods of tears and sometimes shook as if in the hands of a giant. But she felt better in herself; she slept better, and felt more peaceful, despite a sharp longing for her lover, who was still out searching for the missing Amazons.

This treatment seemed a particularly deep one; Ephiny found images of other places, other times, flickering before her minds eye. It was odd, but clear... there were beings, people there; people connected to her, or.. people who were her and yet not. It was like a dream, but no less was her present life with the Amazons. She slowly came back to ordinary reality and found herself back in the Amazon guest hut, the Priestess still sitting on a stool nearby.

"I'm sorry to interrupt our work together, Ephiny," the Priestess said, "but I have had word that I must return to the Sisterhood. Is there anything you want to ask before I leave?"

"Oh... I'm sorry you must go. I deeply appreciate all you've done for me. But... I do feel pretty complete," the Regent noted with some suprise.

"I had hoped that you would feel that way. I think you will be fine, but don't hesitate to send for me if you need to. I want you to continue to work on your own while I am away... I will be returning; I'm not sure when, exactly. I am most interested in your new temple. I think you should explore it further. If you choose to send reports of it to the Sisterhood from time to time I will be most grateful, but send them to me directly. Your assignment while I am away is to stay grounded in your body; just notice how it feels, how you respond to situations. Stay in sensation, remember the neutral points, and listen to yourself. "

"Thank you Enomalie. I wish we had a healer like you in the Village."

"Hmm. Perhaps I can send you someone; but keep an eye open. You may find one yourself. What you need does turn up, and sometimes in the oddest places, I find."

"Ain't that the truth," Ephiny laughed.

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Two boats made their way slowly upstream. They had stashed Cait's boat on the river that led to the mill, and found their other boats undisturbed on the river leading from Amazon territory. They debated towing the third one behind, but decided to leave it. Eponin planned to send a party of warriors downriver in a few weeks to collect Marisu; they could get it then.

She found herself staring at the rythmic movements of the shoulders in front of her, swinging a paddle; the play of muscles in the strong arms as the sun glistened off Solari's skin. She could almost feel the texture of the--- 'Good Goddess, what am I thinking of?' she asked herself. The Priestess' words came back to her: 'Oh. I get it. This is a test. I'm not really attracted to Soli; it's just that we're alone in a boat together on a really nice day, and I'm missing Eph like blazes.' It didn't help that the two kids were so wrapped up in eachother that they almost forgot to eat... Although Paladia seemed a bit dazed, sometimes. Her words would stop in mid-sentence. There were odd gaps, when she seemed in a sort of suspended state. She didn't seem to be aware of them, though. She would pause, and then pick up as if nothing had happened. Cait didn't seem to notice, but Eponin wondered if these were still residual effects of her illnesses. She glanced over at the other boat. Would Paladia ever be quite right again? Could she still paint? Her hair glowed in the sun...'No!' Eponin scolded herself. 'I'm thinking about Eph. And how much I want to be home, and be with her, with everything alright again.'

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Paladia worked her oars thoughtfully. She didn't know what to say to Cait. She hardly knew what to think herself. It was as if everything she had ever done was a lie... and yet... how could she have known? What had been buried in her mind was... well, was it the truth, or had she just made it up to explain the stress she was under? Had it come, as memory, out of the past, or was it a story? Gate of horn, serviceable reality, or gate of ivory, flashy lie? Maybe the best thing to do was just forget about it.

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They landed on the banks of the river below the Amazon village. Scouts had seen them coming, so Ephiny was there to greet them. She embraced Eponin in such an uncharacteristicly demonstrative way that the gruff Amazon blushed.

"Hey, Eph. Found what we went out for. Came back. That's all.''

"That is not all, and you know it," Solari interupted. "Besides stopping a war, saving a mill, and scaring a few peasants, we found them," She waved a hand at Cait and Paladia, "and convinced them to come back in spite of the cushy digs they made for themselves."

"Hey. It was a woodshed, Soli-- "

"Paladia," Ephiny said, "I'm glad they found you. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I didn't mean to send you away like that. Forgive me?"

"Unh. Sure." The tall ex-renegade stared at the ground, embarrassed by all the hoopla, minor though it was. Cait reminded her later that it could have been much worse; they could have insisted on having a party to mark her acceptance into the tribe right then and there. As it was they decided to wait and just make it part of the next lunar celebration.

Paladia found the whole ceremony a bit of an ordeal, but managed to pull it off with reasonably good grace. She was happy to be back in leathers again. It was weird to think of this place as home. She did miss Corin and Celia, and the relative peace of the mill, but as long as she was with Cait, she thought, home could be anywhere. Cait looked after her so she didn't have to take a lot of teasing and stupid jokes.... It was hard enough with her eyes still not being quite right, and her hearing was.... weird. She wasn't sure what was different; she only knew something was. Being ill had changed her. She knew she had lost some things, and she didn't know if they would ever come back.... If she thought about it, it was terrifying. Then there were the things that had surfaced in her consciousness that seemed to have been buried there long before; some made no sense and some were so painful she wanted to rip her own head off. The list of things not to think about was getting longer.

She was glad the Priestess was elsewhere, because she was not sure she was up to any major work, particularly anything that demanded organization. She still felt really stupid and unable to think, sometimes. When she was tired it was unbearable; she simply began to drip tears and couldn't stop. She was grateful to Cait for protecting her from a lot of pressure of people and gossip; she was afraid she wasn't much fun as a companion. She didn't know what to do about that; her complaints were so vague. It was as if she didn't fit in her skin any more.

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Eponin sat at the table in the hut she shared with Ephiny and watched the light changing. This was something she liked about this time of year; although spring was not as far advanced in Amazon Territory, buds were coming out, and the changing light colored them in varying tones. Birds were calling in the distance, a soothing sound. She could smell rain, wood smoke and raw wet earth.The smell of earth varied so from place to place, the weapons master thought, and she would never have noticed it if they hadn't started to grow a few crops of their own.

It was all part of home, and she was particularly happy to be home at this moment. Eph looked well. She seemed a lot more at peace with herself and her duties, and therefore with her partner as well. She was also willing to share more about the things she worried about, large and small, in their community. They talked a lot more now and the gruff Amazon found that she was actually ok with the restrictions her partner had imposed on their relationship. It had seemed like an unreasonable request at the time, but it was obviously helping Eph, so she found herself feeling calmer as a result. But still; Gods it was hard sometimes.

Talking did not come naturally to Eponin; she was accustomed to action. It was weird to try to put into words what seemed so self-evident in movement..... She wondered if there were simply different ways of perceiving, and some people were better at one than another. She'd always just thought some of her students were hopelessly inept; maybe they just couldn't pick stuff up as easily from watching as others could. It would be interesting to experiment. Words could be powerful weapons in themselves... She turned as her partner entered the hut.

"What are you doing, sitting alone in the dark?" Ephiny asked.

"Oh. I was just watching the light fade... thinking about words. How I'm glad we talk more. I was thinking about changing my teaching style some too. What's up?"

"Nothing. You have no idea how good it feels to be able to say that."

"Oh, yes, I do. It won't last, but..."

"I know. Hey. Did I tell you I'm really really glad you're home?"

"Yeah. But I don't mind. You can say it as often as you want. And I'm really, really, really glad to be home. To be with you."

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Seven people sat around a fire. Two were old; five young. Of the five younger ones, two were boys; and the other three young women. They were dressed as Amazons, but not heavily armed; two of them had injuries. One was barely able to get around; the other had only a bandaged hand. The third was tall enough, but... not quite the right build. As he watched, he heard a hail. A tired and dusty woman came up to the fire. She was being greeted by the old couple.. she put down a heavy pack and sat down. The tall one was passing her food and a mug of something. They were laughing. The old woman had brought a bowl and pitcher of water; the newcomer was washing up.The silent watcher in the shadows scanned the group, waiting to see if anyone else would join them at the fire. He waited a long time; but no one else appeared. They looked like happy, attractive people, but none of them was the young woman he had hoped to see, that he had never thought to see again. He melted back into the shadows. Too little, too late. Again.

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Cait could almost feel Spring itself rising in her. It was like an unstoppable tide. Being with Paladia had woken her up, in ways she could never have anticipated. She had never felt so alive. Her body tingled with it. Even going into battle... well, there was nothing quite like that of course. But this was close. She just wished Paladia had the same response... the ex-renegade was behaving very oddly; that was for sure. Cait hoped it was just the exertion of travelling that had caused a setback, but she was concerned because Paladia was having strange blackouts. The healers here were no help.

And as for the others in their age group... Trying to be social was too much of an ordeal. She tried dragging Paladia to do things with the other young Amazons, but she was either preoccupied or grouchy. Cait tried to be understanding, but.... She sighed. All this energy, and nowhere to spend it. She collected her flensing tools and made her way home.

Paladia was sitting at her table, an unfinished drawing in front of her. She was staring into nothing; and she didn't move when Cait came in. It was as if she were not even in the room. Cait went over and put her arms around her friend, only to get a backhand in the face as Paladia woke with a spasm of flailing , un-coordinated limbs.

"Oh! Oh, gods, I'm sorry. Are you ok? What happened?"

"Ow. I'm fine. Just cut my lip. I didn't mean to startle you." Cait was picking herself up off the floor.

"I'm sorry. I... just... What was I saying?"

"You were apologising for hitting me, only you got lost somewhere."

"I hit you? Oh. sorry."

"Paladia, are you alright?"

"No. No, I'm not alright."

"So what's wrong?"

"I don't know. I keep having these... I...I don't.... "

"Gosh, there you are again. Do you think some of those excercises would help?"

"They're boring. I went where again?"

"You blank out, I think. It's a bit like when you had the concussion. Perhaps you should rest more."

"I can't rest all the time, damn it to Tartarus. I get tired of that too... Bacchae-sucking bitch kicked me outta class today, so I'm gonna do one Hades of a lot of resting."

"What happened?''

"Oh. I got clobbered, that's all"

"You got-- Did you get hurt?"

"No, not really."

"Let me see."

"No."

"Paladia--"

"Stop FUSSING over me for Hera's sake. I'm fine."

Cait retreated, feeling hurt; it must have showed in her face because Paladia called her back.

"Wait. I'm sorry. Are you going to supper? Will you bring me something?"

"You really ought to come yourself. I don't know what appeals to you any more."

"No, I... Oh, ok. Ssssss. Ouch. Help me up?"

"Ok."

"OW!"

"Sorry. Where are you hurt?"

"Left side."

"You-- Hey! That's still bleeding. Looks like you pulled out the stitches. Come along. Healers first. Dining Hall second."

Cait dragged her cursing friend across the compound and back. By the time dinner was over Paladia had lost her anger and become tired and depressed. She staggered back to the barracks on Cait's shoulder and collapsed onto the bed when they got home, falling instantly asleep. For a time she slept heavily, but woke in the small hours. Cait was curled up next to her, a tentative hand resting on her arm.

'Why am I such a bitch to her?' Paladia asked herself. 'She just wants to to be nice to me... maybe that's why. I'm not used to it. Why can't I just get over it?' The moving flapping red wall re-entered her mind, and again she felt herself floating near the ceiling. She curled into a ball, muttering "Please. Make it stop. Please please Make it stop."

"Make what stop, Pal?" Cait had woken up and was stroking her friend's arm.

"The red thing."

"What?"

"Like a sail. Its like a piece of fabric flapping in the wind. It's so loud."

Cait didn't know what to make of that. She didn't know what to do, so she stroked the blonde head, and began telling a story.

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It was a warm and lazy afternoon. Three young women were making a study of the waterflow below Corin's mill... Which is to say they were playing in the cool mud near the dam and spashing eachother liberally with water in the process. In the interest of science, of course.

"It's really time we went to our homes," Cleanthe was saying. "I know you wanted to spend more time with Paladia, but..."

"It's not just spending time with her, Clea, it's my work, too," Thalesia answered. "She was helping me think stuff out. I ... I don't think I'm going to go home."

"What?"

"I'm going to take Marisu back to Amazon Territory. I'm going to stay another year."

"Wow. Really? What will your people say?"

"I don't know yet."

"What's Amazon Territory like?" Anaxima queried. She was the engineering student Cyrene had sent to assist Corin.

"It's beautiful. There's lots of different terrain."

"You're staying...." Clea said. "Wow. I wonder... Do you think I could get away with doing that too?"

"Sure, why not? We have to make sure our sister gets home safely, right? And I wouldn't mind doing some cave exploration. We only got to see such a tiny bit of the temple."

"Sounds fascinating," Anaxima said. "I always wanted to explore an ancient place; and you discovered it? You were there first?"

"Well, almost first. Do you want to come with us?" Thalesia drew a swirling line, representing wave formation against an obstacle, in the mud on Anaxima's thigh.

"Yeah. When were you thinking of leaving here?" Anaxima retaliated with a blob of mud representing the effect of gravity that struck her friend's chest and slid down into her leathers.

"We can't leave until Marisu is ready to travel, anyway....depends how long this project takes."

"I can take a hint. So if we moved the stones this way..."

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"What do you suppose that was about?" Eponin asked, seeing Cait and Paladia stalking off in opposite directions after spending a silent dinner glaring at each other.

"I don't know. I'm a bit worried about them," Ephiny said as she and Eponin talked over the day's affairs on their way back from supper. "They were stuck together for a long time... Do you think it was just some sort of prisoner-falling-in love-with-the-jailer kinda thing? Will they come unglued if they have to have just a normal, everyday relationship?"

"Do you think anything about Cait could ever be mundane? With her instinct for trouble?"

"Good point. But so much of their relationship seemed like it was just a response to one crisis after another... do you think they have what it takes to settle down?"

"Hmm. They are awful young. Hard to say who lasts and who doesn't. I can think of lots of couples who swore eternal devotion and nearly killed eachother breaking up a year later. Paladia's gone through some big changes....she's paid a big price for 'em, too. I don't think she'd have made it without Cait. What if Cait's the one gets bored?"

"Yeesh. I hate to think about that possibility, Pony. We'd need one Hades of a big soft padded hut."

"Yeah... If Cait throws her over we'd better be prepared to catch the big one when she falls.... You Ok with that?"

Ephiny gave the question serious thought. "I conferred citizenship on her... and I believe in that. Yeah. I think I could do it. But will she come to us for help if she needs it?"

"I sure hope so. Was a time I was set to break every bone in her body-- the ones Xena left whole, that is-- and she knew it too. Then she got me out of a jam; I'd never have expected that.... But this last gig I really got to like her, somehow. The way she just waded into those villagers... that was a thing of beauty. And she had a reaction to it, too; she turned out to be more sensitive than I'd ever have imagined. I say we keep an eye on her."

"Whatever... Listen, Pony... you know what tonight is?"

"Um. What?"

"The end of the six weeks... you know. Want to celebrate?"

"Weeellll... I don't feel like getting drunk, somehow. What'd you have in mind? Hot tea?"

"Um. Hotter than that."

"Works for me."

Nothing more was said about village events that night. Or for several nights thereafter.

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Cait was tired of being snapped at. She stalked away into the woods for a good distance; far enough so she wouldn't be caught by the sentries. When she was sure she was alone she let herself relax, and indulged herself in a good cry, far from prying Amazons.

She was winding down when suddenly she was somehow aware of a change in her surroundings. It was not a sound, or anything she could identify, but when she looked up at a clump of foliage, out of the leaves materialized a face: curly hair, a straight nose, and the largest, clearest, most sympathetic brown eyes she had ever seen.

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"Anaxima," Thalesia said one morning, "Do you think we would get more power out of these gears if we changed the water to flow over the paddles rather than under them?"

"Don't know, Thalie. It's a lot of work to build up the whole dam for another five or six cubits; and what about the water? wouldn't it flood back of the dam?"

"Hmm."

Anaxima had claimed Thalesia's heart as simply as she took the plate of supper from her hand the night she arrived. They seemed to be perfectly able to complete each others thoughts. She was going to come along and visit Amazon territory when they left; Corin complained that the women were always leaving him, but Celia just told him to hush and not be so selfish.

"What about your original idea? Suppose we change the angle of the water hitting the wheel?''

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The bonfire glowed brightly, and the Summer Solstice party was in full swing. Cait had finally just given up on getting Paladia to enjoy herself; she'd had another bout of weirdness and gone off somewhere to sulk. 'Well, that's just too bad', Cait thought. 'I'm sorry she's unhappy, but there's no pleasing her, and I'm not going to be miserable just because she is.' She joined the dancers for a bit, and when a group decided to go down to the river to swim off the effects of their new batch of ale, she went with them. It was... there was no harm in just heading in that direction, anyway.

"Just let me get changed, and I'll be right there," she called to the group of laughing, chattering Amazons. A quick swing by the hut, just to check on Paladia--- who wasn't there. Well... Right. all the more reason not to hang around then.

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Paladia stumbled into their hut. Maybe it was a mistake to have drunk so much; it didn't ease the pain she'd felt, watching Cait having a good time without her. Nor had it stopped the roaring in her head. The flapping red wall was a fire, she'd realized; but she had no idea what it meant.

Her nightmares had changed again; now instead of dreaming of being trapped in burning buildings every night, she found herself dreaming she was digging in the earth, and everywhere she dug, she found dead or decaying bodies. Sometimes she had visions of the killer, whose stark white face terrified her. Last night this dream had assumed even more terrifying form, when in fleeing the killer, she had come to a stream, and looking down seen that her own face was that of the murderer. She hoped that if she drank enough she'd pass out and elude the dream. Maybe Cait could make her feel better...

She stopped. No one was home. Cait had been there, she'd changed her clothes, by the look, and gone out again. Paladia sat down on the bed, but some restlessness that alcohol couldn't tame made her get up again. She stalked outside. Too quiet. She went back inside. She looked at the mute clothing. It was a reproach. Why can't you relax and enjoy yourself like a normal person, it asked her. "Because I can't!" she roared back at it. "I don't know why!" She began to cry, and hated herself for it. Nothing could ease or fill the roaring, empty, hole in her heart; the best she could hope for was a little distraction. She wiped her tears and went outside again. She walked back to the burnt-down embers of the fire, but everyone had left. She kicked the charred end of a branch and wandered aimlessly.... Two guards, crossing the compound, gave her a sharp look, and she cringed; the last thing she needed was trouble. She walked back to the hut. Maybe Cait had just gone out for a walk and would be home now.

The hut was still empty. Still mute. The carelessly dropped garments still lay over the chair. Paladia realized that some personal items were gone. Cait was not planning to come back tonight; that meant... meant she was staying somewhere else... with someone else. Clumsily Paladia turned and as she did so Cait's shirt slid off the chair onto the floor. It was as if an avalanche had been let loose; a howl of mocking voices filled her mind, screaming that she was so horrible no one would ever want to be with her, love her. Who was she kidding? Her self-disgust was overwhelming. She wanted to hit out at the pain, but she couldn't reach it; she was the pain. This was worse than any physical ache; there was no relief from it. Her very talent mocked her; it was so inadequate. She threw her paint box through the window. This simple muscular act unleashed another avalanche. A chorus of destruction was added to the mocking voices in her head, and she began to destroy all of her belongings, anything that reminded her that she existed. At last she was exhausted; there was nothing left in the hut to break. She walked out into the night, and headed for the woods.

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Dawn glimmered in the sky above the compound as Cait slipped unobtrusively back into the village. She felt a twinge of guilt at having left Paladia to stew in her own juices, but the tall ex-renegade could be so difficult sometimes... it was a relief to be around people who weren't. Well. One person in particular.

As she approached the hut she realized something was wrong; the door was broken and hung ajar. She caught a glimpse of the destruction within, and gasped. Every piece of furniture, everything that could be broken had been broken. Her clothes from the night before lay at the bottom of a pile of debris. Quickly, she looked for her traps, her weapons. They were still in her box, in a corner under the remains of the beds. The matresses were ripped to shreds, although Cyrene's quilt had somehow miraculously survived, a little smudged, but intact. If a cyclone had ripped through the walls the destruction could hardly have been more complete.

Burning with anger, Cait stalked out to report the damage and request new quarters. It wasn't as if she'd done anything wrong. She wasn't being disloyal to Paladia just by spending a little time with other people. It wasn't like she was doing anything to her. But to Tartatrus with her. If that was the way Paladia wanted it... well, she could have it, that's all.

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Paladia woke up, so stiff she could hardly move. She had been dreaming again. She had visited the abandoned temple in the cave, this time. A heavy sarcophagus lay on the altar, and she had looked in to see yet another version of her dead self. This one was brown-haired and wearing, of all the unlikely things, a pink dress. She wasn't sure why she thought it was her, but it had seemed that way in the dream. At least it was not dismembered; it could almost be sleeping, only before she could try to wake it, she had woken up to find herself lying in the dirt at the foot of a tree.

She was sober, now. Empty. No emotions; just eyes in a shell. Then she remembered her rage the previous night, and destroying the hut. Why had she done that? She wished that last night had never happened; but looking at the sky she thought it was probably too late. Folks would be awake. Oh, Medusa in a bucket. She got up and brushed the pine needles from her clothing as best she could. It was going to be one Hades of a mess to clear up...maybe she could get to it before Cait got home. Feeling thirsty she took a detour to the creek. She drank and splashed water on her face. Her hands were bruised and covered with scratches. Briefly, she debated running away; but they would just track her down. It would be better to go turn herself in, and let them banish her for real this time. She turned back to the village.

Ephiny, out for a morning walk to clear her own head, met and greeted her, cursorily; she was about to pass when the ex-renegade called her back.

"Wait.."

"What is it?"

"I, um, got really drunk last night... and, unh, trashed my quarters. I...figure... tell you now, you have time to think up what to do to me."

"You What? Why?''

"Dunno. Just.. got drunk. I'll clean up the broken stuff."

"Yes, you most certainly will. Alright, I suppose I'd better see it for myself." Damned kids. Couldn't things like this ever happen when she wasn't hung over?

When Ephiny, returning with Paladia to view the damage, saw what had happened, she was shocked. Things got broken horsing around, yes, but this... this was beyond drunken letting-off-steam. It looked like vicious, wholesale rage. She sighed and wished Enomalie were still here.

"So where was Cait during all of this?"

"Dunno."

Just then a couple of the Elders stalked up.

"There's the culprit. Alright, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Nothin," Paladia mumbled.

"What?"

"No excuse. Got drunk."

A conference ensued. Cait was not pressing charges; she just wanted to be reassigned. Paladia was not contesting the damages; she said she'd accept whatever punishment they saw fit to meet out. It was frustrating; Ephiny ordered her to clean up the destruction while she thought it over. A couple of the younger Amazons had come up by then; She assigned them to help and keep an eye on Paladia. She had a feeling there was a little more to the story.

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Eponin, discussing it with her later, commented, "No fun being right, is there?"

"No. I can't help but feel there's more to it than I'm hearing, but there isn't much I can do."

"Mmmm. I looked the place over when they took Cait her things; it looked like Hades, but..."

"But what?'

"Hardly anything of hers was broken. Paladia mostly trashed her own stuff. It's not like she was after Cait; more like her stuff just happened to be there. I've been wondering if there was something wrong with Paladia ever since we brought them back. She... Did you know I had to stop her weapons training?"

"No, why?"

"She seems to kinda black out at the oddest moments. Goes rigid and stops in her tracks. One day she was sparring with Loessa; she froze right in the middle of a bout, and you know Loessa. Doesn't go halfway and no love lost, y'know. Paladia just stood there like she was going to let the woman cut her down. I had to jump in and haul her out. As it was she got a nasty cut on the side. The healer sewed her up; couldn't find anything else wrong.... but she can't fight, can't practice."

"That's weird; we've both seen her go all out in real fights. Why can't she train?"

"Dunno. And this isn't going to help matters any."

"You know the other weird thing? Cait almost seems ... well, guilty about something. She's usually pretty vocal, but this time she didn't have a lot to say."

"Hmm. She's been away from the Village a lot... but that's nothing new. Want me to follow her?"

"No, I think we'll just let matters take their course. I'd like to start exploring that Temple, but I'm afraid it will have to wait until planting is over... It took us so long to repair all the damages from last winter... Exploring up there will be a good new project when we all need a break from farming. We can rotate people up to the mountain for a few days at a time."

"Yeah, good idea... We never had too many people up in that part of the Territory before; more eyes; fewer chances for raiders to hide."

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It took Paladia three days to completely repair all the damage, even with help. Ephiny hadn't really assigned her a punishment; it made her a little nervous. They'd sent her to the healer, who'd given her some peculiar- tasting green stuff to drink twice a day, and put a couple of other trainees in the hut with her, but that was it. She couldn't figure it. As for Cait... well, that just hurt too much to think about. They were just avoiding eachother for the moment; neither wanted to make the first move, and they lacked a friend in common to mediate.

The afternoon sun was coming in as she finished, when Ephiny came to speak to her. She just stood, as sullen a mass as ever, waiting for the ax to fall.

Ephiny regarded her dispassionately. She would have welcomed an excuse to beat up on the kid once, but... no, she wasn't much in the bitch department. "Sit down, Paladia."

"You gonna send me away now?"

"Is that what you want?"

Silence.

"Look, Paladia. You are free to go. You don't even have to decline citizenship; you have full rights.... You can go anywhere now, and still claim protection of the tribe if you need it. Or you can decline and go on your own terms. But I'm not asking you to. You have a lot to offer the tribe... You-- you've come a long way. Don't think I don't appreciate that. Trashing the hut was wrong, you know that; but it's not a huge crime. I just don't understand why, that's all."

Paladia just shook her head miserably. How could she explain that it was like being two people, and since they never spoke to eachother, how could she know what the other one was thinking? It didn't make any sense to her either.

"What's Cait say?"

"Paladia... This isn't about Cait. This is... Wait a moment." Ephiny reached out a hand and grasped the stubborn chin, turning the ex-renegade's face up to hers. She scanned it for a long moment, reading the odd combination of hope and despair that lay beneath its surface. "This is a test, isn't it? You're trying to find out if you can trust the Amazons to stick by you... it's because you didn't grow up in the tribe."

"Um, ...I....I don't... "

"No, I don't think you consciously set out to test us, but I think that's what's happening. Listen, Paladia. You are an Amazon now. That means that the Tribe is your family; it doesn't depend on the approval of your partner, or the Queen, or me, or anyone else. It doesn't mean only when things are great. Being an Amazon means that no matter how tough things are, your sisters are sworn to help you, protect you, share everthing we have with you, die for you. We expect the same in return... But you've already shown that you are brave in combat, and you've already given more to the tribe than half the born feather-heads do in a lifetime. Maybe you've been abandoned before, but we aren't going to let you go. ... Hey, don't cry... for gosh sake, kid... "

Ephiny reflected that of all the scenes she ever could have imagined this was about the most unlikely. Sitting in a barracks, comforting someone who... well, that was just blood over the bridge now. With relief and some suprise, Ephiny realized that she had in fact forgiven Paladia. The sudden weight off her shoulders felt great. She put her arms around the sobbing woman.

"You have to know you can depend on your sisters no matter what. Sometimes the gossip gets a little intense, I know, but... well, that's why our laws are what they are. It's something to be very proud of, Paladia."

"Don't deserve it," Paladia mumbled.

"Yes you do... I wouldn't have done it if I didn't believe in you."

"You...?"

"Yeah, didn't Eponin tell you? As Regent, I can confer status on you, but once it's done I can't take it away."

"Why'd you do it?"

"Mmmm.... Well, there was dissention over a lot of issues. The Queen has done a lot to change the way we do things. We aren't just warriors any more. I felt that the temple and the art guild were important to the tribe; you are integral to both. But with your status in doubt it was harder to justfy an all-out search. We are diversifying, Paladia, and some people still don't like that. They would have used this as an excuse. I... it isn't always easy for me to put my personal feelings aside, but you... we need people like you. It was the right thing to do for the tribe... and I'm glad I did it."

"You... You don't hate me?"

"Not anymore. No."

"I.. really am sorry I did... what I did to you. I.. I didn't know. I never had anyone that wanted to be with me.. I didn't know it could happen. I didn't-- I had no idea what it meant. Now I've blown it again."

"Now, it's a little soon to assume that. Most relationships go through some bumps.... Give yourselves some time."

"It's not just time. I... there's something wrong with me. I don't understand what it is or how to stop it. I.. I can't... I need help."

"Believe me kid, I know how you feel. I had to get a lot of help before I could get to this point."

"Y-you did?"

"Yeah. Don't be ashamed of needing help, Paladia. It's not easy to find what works for you, and I'm not at all satisfied with the healers we have here now. They are either too young and untrained or too old and set in their ways. The Priestess of the Sisterhood was a real gift. I hope she will return soon, or send us a new healer. In the meanwhile don't give up hope... she told me that if you look for it, you will find what you need, and sometimes in unlikely places. I believe that's true.''

.....................................................................................................................................

Paladia wandered down by the creek. She had always felt better out in the woods or fields, she realized; it was as if there was too much noise in a village, even when it was quiet. She walked along, not thinking of anything in particular. Her emotions were pretty well exhausted. Her interview with the Regent had settled a lot of things for her, though. It helped to know certain things... she'd always thought of the law as a restriction, an enemy; never thought of herself as having any legal rights, for example. But that also meant she couldn't blame anyone else for how she felt. They were not doing anything to her... The stuff that hurt was her. Cait... it wasn't her fault, no matter how much Paladia could wish it were. Paladia herself was in no shape to be in a relationship. She had made a lot of assumptions about love, and now that she knew something closer to the truth, she realized that she was in a million pieces. She thought her heart had broken, and broken again, and again. But what was broken was illusion; the thing she had thought of as her heart had been a tiny, brittle, rigid shell within her. When that shattered she realized how much larger the heart really was, how much greater the forgiveness she'd been given. 'Ask for help... hmmm.'

She looked down suddenly. A plant was growing next to the path; small white blooms stared up at her. She looked down into the eyes of the plant and saw that the blooms were made of smaller clusters of petals gathered together. "Hey!"

Paladia looked around for the voice, but no one was there... except the plant. Feeling a little foolish, she said, "Is that you?" to it. Aloud.

"Of course it's me! Sit down, would you?"

"Er. Ok." She sat down next to it and took one of its leaves in her hand. "Unh, nice to meet you."

'Am I going crazy?' she wondered.

"No, you aren't crazy," the plant said. "you are listening. And about time, too. You two-leggeds, always rushing everywhere to go nowhere. Now. What seems to be the problem?"

"Problem?"

"Do you want my help or not?"

"YOU can help me??"

"I thought you were asking for help. Rare thing, these days. We sit here day after day, willing to help you, waiting to help you, wanting to help you... most walk right by. Up the path, down the path; I should think you'd be exhausted. Whereas we have everything we need right here. Plenty for all. But you hardly ever ask us; Can't do anything until we are asked."

"Ok. I'm asking. I need help. Please. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Well," the plant said, seeming to be somewhat mollified by this appeal, "Perhaps we should get to know eachother better. You draw, I believe. Why don't you make yourself comfortable, do my portrait, and tell me all about yourself?''

"Ok." Paladia considered herself very lucky to have paper and charcoal with her. She began to draw, and tell her life story.She hoped that no one would blunder into them and wonder why she was talking away, but soon lost her self-consciousness.

.....................................................................................................................................

"You want to do what?" Ephiny wished Paladia wouldn't mumble when she was around her. She could understand the kid's embarrassment, but it was inconvenient having to ask her to repeat everything.

"I want to go out on a trip by myself--- sketching things."

"What sort of things?"

"Landscapes-- well, plants, mostly."

"Any special reason it has to be alone?"

Paladia hesitated. She still had a hard time believing what was going on and she wasn't sure the Regent would be sympathetic to her wanting to go out and talk to a bunch of plants.

"Is it because of Cait? Is that why you want to be away from the village?"

"Sort of. I... Ok. Well, you know how you said help came from unexpected places?"

"Yeah?"

Paladia recounted her experience by the creek. "So maybe I'm crazy, but the plants... talk to me when I'm drawing them. It makes me feel better... I want to go spend some time listening to them. I know Amazons are great and I appreciate everything you've done for me, but... I... it just hurts to be around people, any people, yuh know? Do you think I'm nuts?"

"Hmmm. Maybe. No.... I can see you're not nuts. You've been looking a lot better and I know things haven't been easy for you. But I'm not sure how wise it is for you to be alone when you've been isolated...." Ephiny thought for a few moments. "Ok. These are the conditions: you have to stay within Amazon Territory. I'm going to set up a station on the mountain to explore your temple. You have to check in there every few days, and know that if you don't, people are going to come looking for you and they won't be pleased."

"Ok." Paladia thought, 'Wow. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be.'

"Oh, one more condition. You don't drink anything alcoholic."

"I haven't. Not since... I won't. Can I... will you let me do some of the exploring in the temple?"

"Yes, of course. You started the painting, and Enomalie thinks you should be in charge of completing it. Some of the Sisterhood will be there, and sometimes Cait will be too. I can't exclude her... any more than I would you."

"Ok."

*************************************************************************************

Cait was a little suprised when Paladia dissapeared; without being overt about it they both had been keeping an eye on where the other was. She wondered if Paladia had run away, but there was no sign of anyone looking for her, as if she'd gone off with out leave.... Was that a good sign, or a bad one? Life in the Amazon Village went on as if Paladia had never existed, and Cait felt a jealous ache inside her. She had studiously avoided the ex-renegade, but now that she wasn't there to avoid, she found she missed her. Not that she would have spoken to her.... At last she could stand it no longer; she waited for an opportunity to catch one of the older ones when they had a break.

"Solari?"

"Yeah, Cait, what is it?"

"I was just wondering... well.. I haven't seen.... er.... Paladia around lately. I was wondering what, er, where she went."

"She got permission to go on a trip or something."

"A trip? Where would she go?"

"Dunno, kid. You missing her?"

"No, not at all. I just wondered, that's all."

Solari looked at her. "Sure, kid.I understand. As far as we know, she's fine. You want to know more, ask Eph."

*****************************************************************************************

"How do you like it?" Thalesia called up to her friend. She and the boys had just re-opened the gates and let water run into the system.

"It's beautiful, Thalie." Anaxima admired the spin of the gears. "Lots more power. And with the new parts up top there is a lot less play in the wheels. Lets go tell Corin."

"No need, lass. I can see for myself it's a big improvement. So I suppose this means ye'll be leaving us soon, eh?"

"Soon, perhaps. We're still waiting for the healer to give the ok for Marisu to travel."

"Take your time, lass. Celia likes the company, and so do I."

*****************************************************************************************

They had set up tents near the entry-- if it could be called that-- to the temple. The edge of the hole had been stabilized with beams and planks, and a more comfortable arrangement of ropes gave access to the subterranean temple. Paladia was hot and thirsty from a long climb. She'd been spending a lot of time with the stonecrops lately, who had an interesting perspective on life. But now that it was time to check in again, she felt the need she had for human voices, and the wisdom of Ephiny's conditions.

She was just by the entrance when she heard Cait's laughter coming from the other side of the tent. Human voices, except for that one, which it still hurt to hear more than she could bear. She slid off the pack and her top layer of clothing, and without waiting for the rig to take her into the cave, jumped from the edge into the water below. The shock was much more pleasant, this time. The icy cold was merely refreshingly cool, and she expected the water, so she made a better dive. Down she went, opening her eyes against the sting of the water... and saw, again, a face staring back at her from the bottom, somewhat greenish and indistinct. It stared up, immobile, and now she realized what it was; a statue. Before she could explore further she found herself bobbing at the surface, and wrung the wet hair out of her eyes. She struck out for the steps. When she reached them, she looked up into the most serene face she had ever seen, framed in silver hair. It took her breath away and she almost missed the hand extended to her.

"Good afternoon," the apparition said, hauling her up with suprising strength. "You certainly didn't waste any time getting down here. I'm Enomalie, of the Sisterhood of Artemis."

"My name's Paladia. Thanks."

"You are Paladia? I've been hoping to see you. We have been waiting for your return before putting any more color on the walls. Are you tired? hungry?" Paladia nodded. "Come eat something and tell me all about the discovery."

The last thing Paladia expected was to be sitting half-naked having a picnic on the portico of a temple, even an ancient abandoned one, with the high priestess waiting on her, but she found her tongue as the woman plied her with food and questions. She was suprisingly easy to talk to, although Paladia did not realize that she was not the first to make this discovery.

*****************************************************************************************

Thalesia led Amaxima, along with Marisu and Cleanthe, along the river toward Amazon Territory. It had seemed such a swift easy journey downstream; but going back seemed to take forever.

They had taken an overland route to the river. Corin and Celia had gone with them as far as the boat-- which luckily was still there, although somewhat dried out. Clea was bailing, while Thalie and Anax paddled. Their boat was a little overburdened, but the river was much calmer than when they set out. The problem was that heavily loaded as they were, they now ran aground where the sandbars were coming up as the waterlevel receeeded. They ended up wading as much as they paddled.

At last they arrived at the Amazon village. It was strangely quiet.

"Hey. Where do you suppose everyone is?"

"Dunno. Oh. Wait."

Solari came down to the water's edge. "Thalie, Clea, what are you doing here? Weren't you going home? What happened?"

"We brought Marisu back. What's going on?"

"We started to explore that subterranean temple you found; most everyone not on duty or working the fields is up there. Who's this?"

"Oh, sorry, this is Anaxima. She's uh, our friend."

"Welcome. Mari, you're looking much, much better. Welcome home. Folks'll be happy to see you. Ah, Thalie. There are some developments I should fill you in on..."

*****************************************************************************************

Paladia was a little nervous, being the first day of work on the temple with others helping her; and some of them from the Sisterhood, too. It was one thing to order around a bunch of kids, most of them younger; another thing altogther to be taken seriously by two very stiff groups of adults. Still, both the Regent and Enomalie had expressed faith in her. She pulled herself together and went to greet the crew.

A tall woman with a large jaw stood up and introduced herself, before Paladia had spoken a word.

"Hi, my name is Shakti-- that means 'the female name or form of god,' but you can just call me 'God' for short if you want to."

'Hooohboy. It's gonna be a loooooong day.' Paladia thought to herself, mentally gritting her teeth. "What was it before?" She wasn't going to waste any time on this one if she could help it.

"What was what before?"

"Your NAME, what was it before you changed it?" Paladia glared at the woman and kept on glaring, until her gaze dropped.

"Er-- my parents called me Doris."

"And just what's wrong with being named for the daughter of Themis?"

"Er--"

"Alright, Doris, start putting these drop cloths down along the south wall."

"Hey, but I--those are heavy!"

"Do it, or go home."

Doris turned in fuming silence and began to struggle with the tarps, while Paladia inspected the rest of her helpers. She caught a gleam or two in the mostly well-disciplined faces, and instinctively marked out the ones who had a sense of humor. "Ok. We need to bring up some things from the storage room...."

By the end of the week, she had a sense of who she could work with; she had cut the crew down drasticly, and many complained, but Ephiny upheld the descision. There was no hurry to finish; because the temple had been activated-- Enomalie confirmed that the Goddess was listening-- they could still use it in its unfinished state.

The most difficult problem for the painters was the dampness; not only was the water in the lake outside a source of moisture, but the very presence of a lot of people was going to change the way paint would adhere to the walls. They were doing small sections, and experimenting with different binders for pigment, as well as different surface preparations. They were still doing short days, not only to see the effects of their work, but to allow time for visitors to come to the site.

Paladia had mixed feelings about that; she was happy to have the admiration and praise of the Amazons, but the space had been hers for such a long, intense time; it felt strange to see other people there. Also it was hard sometimes to have Cait so near, and yet so far away. Cait was working in the far cavern with Eponin, plotting out the locations of bodies, and eventually the actions of the last battle when the entrance to the cave-system collapsed on invader and defender alike. They had not yet spoken to eachother, although each was aware of the other's presence.

Paladia felt an intense longing for distance and air; perhaps a few more days away by herself were in order. Yeah. She folded up her plans, and called the crew together, outlining the next section to be worked on before dismissing them..

...............................................................................................................................

Cait stood up and stretched her back, which ached. The torches wavered for a moment, making the walls momentarily insubstantial. She fell into a dream for a second, wondering about these women whose bones she was marking out so carefully. They had fought with everything they had; their last breaths expended in stuggle, and now... now their bones had fallen together in such a way it was hardly possible to tell where the body of one left off and the enemy began. Differences which mattered more than life itself had been erased by time. It made you wonder.... The dreamy sadness crept over her again, and she felt herself drifting... to tell rock from bone was even difficult sometimes.....

"Oh." She woke up to where she was again. "Are you waiting for me?"

"UnHunh. It's time to pack up for the day," Eponin reminded her. "Coming?"

"In a minute. You guys go on, I'll just put this last marker in and catch up."

She made her way down the tunnel, back toward the lake. What was it about being underground that put her into such an odd frame of mind? The others had left, chattering and gossiping as usual; for some reason she didn't feel like doing that. She felt a little heavy and slow, actually. She drifted up to the portico of the temple, where the ropes were secured, and waited for the chair arrangement to be sent down again. She heard a noise and turned, suddenly, lurching right into Paladia, who came barrelling out the door with her vision obscured by an arm-load of parchments.

Their momentary contact caught them both by suprise; it was as if gravity had drawn their bodies irresistably together.

"Unh. Hi." Paladia didn't know what to say. The feel of Cait's body against hers, even in an accidental stumble, took her breath away. Oh, how she wanted that contact. To be touched; to see affection in the grey eyes that were staring at her with startled wariness. Bitterly, she realized that she never would. She had ripped apart that trust. She backed up a step, only to feel parchment under her feet. She'd dropped most everything she was carrying. She bent to pick it up, suprised when Cait knelt down to help her.

"Here. Um, hi, Pal. Sorry, I didn't mean--"

"Oh, Thanks, Cait--" they had both spoken at the same time, awkward responses overlapping.

"Er. How are you?"

"Alright. You?''

"Fine. Busy."

"Same here. Well..."

They were interrupted by a shout from above, as Thalesia slid down the rope, not waiting for the chair, which Clea was now descending in. A flurry of greetings ensued. The foreign Amazons were so overly tactful that both Cait and Paladia rolled their eyes, catching eachothers expression with some amusement. Paladia felt the pain ease a little. Maybe the Regent was right. Maybe time would heal things. She turned to Cait again, but saw the wariness jump back into her eyes. No just going back, then. Ok. Time to back off. Strange; when Cait had been guarding her as an enemy, her wariness had been of a different sort. 'She would have just cut my throat as soon as look at me,' Paladia thought. 'Why's it so hard now?' Images flashed through her mind, sensations in her body. Oh yeah. She had betrayed a trust; it was going to be harder to get back to that than it had been to develop. Crap. 'I'm never going to drink again,' she vowed.

.....................................................................................................................................

Enomalie was tired. This was happening more and more. She could feel the changes in her body again. So many times in a lifetime it wanted to change; and she knew that the time was coming again because she was losing interest in the affairs that once meant everything to her. Sisterhood politics-- feh. Squabbling Amazons-- Bah. Although they were behaving quite well now, she considered. Having the lost temple restored was an unexpected boon. She tried to compose herself to pray, but found she couldn't. Pains in her body were asserting themselves. What kind of Priestess can't pray any more? She did want to see the Amazon temple integrated into their life and that of the Sisterhood; but...

There was a scratching on her tent. "Come in." It was Paladia.

"I... I was wondering if you could help me?"

"Perhaps... it's late. Is it something immediate, or could it wait until morning?"

"Well, er... some of it can, but some of it is, well, right now."

"What's the right now part?"

"I ran into Cait this evening. It was... it was kinda hard. I don't... I want that-- what we had-- more than anything, but I don't know how to get back to it. I don't even know if it's what she wants. But I want to try... so I figured the problem was because I got so drunk. So, I thought, 'ok, I'm never going to drink again.' Now I'm going outta my mind, but I don't know why."

"That happens sometimes. Alcohol was a solution. Your mind wants to know what you are going to replace it with. What happens when you drink that makes you feel you have to stop?''

"I lose my temper... no, more than that. It's this all-consuming rage; I want to destroy everything. Even the things... especially the things--- I love. It takes me over and I can't control it. I don't know how to get rid of my anger."

"Hmm. Anger is not in itself a bad thing. It is there to protect you. It is when it goes out of proportion or comes from the past that it can be unhealty."

"Definitly out of proportion. What do you mean, from the past?"

"Sometimes events-- a traumatic experience-- an injury-- are interrupted before they can heal. Then they recycle endlessly trying to reach completion. Sometimes it leaves a gap where other entities can get into you. It is like infection in a wound, only it is in your mind or soul."

"Oh. How do I get rid of it?"

"You don't get rid of it, you heal it. That takes time, hard work, and patience."

"Ok, but... how do I heal it? Most of the time I can't even think about it.. I try to forget stuff, but it's still there."

The Priestess sighed inwardly. She was so tired... but this was the moment for this woman, and losing it could mean losing.. who knew what. She pulled up resources that were getting lower and got on with the job. "Stop forgetting and go into the anger."

"But.... I'm afraid."

"I'm here. I won't let anyone harm you, and I won't let you hurt anyone else. Take a deep breath. Good. Now go to the anger.... Good... steady... now go under it. What's there?"

"What? OH." Images came into Paladia's mind. She had been seeing them for a long time, but she had never dared to speak about them. Now she found herself pouring them out. In detail. As she let herself relax under the steely grip of the Priestess hand, she found them making sense of a sort. It began to become a story, instead of a fragmented collection of images. As she told it she could feel the Priestess getting angry right along with her. When she got to the end of her narrative, she said, ''Do you think I'm making this up?"

"What do you think?"

"I think...well.. I'm not sure what's just me trying to make sense of it and what's memory, but... some of it definitely happened."

"Ok. Now you know. Paladia, your rage is what saved you. You knew what was being done to you was wrong. That rage has been your best friend. Don't give it up."

"D-- Don't?"

"No. You needed to express this experience... you'll probably have to keep doing that until all the poison's out of your system, but that's the problem, not the anger you've been holding in all these years... Drain the poison and the anger will receede. Do you still feel like you need a drink?"

"Er-- no. Whaddya know about that? You know the most ironic thing about the whole mess is that he was a priest of Apollo. Some divine reasoning, hunh?"

"Humm. Where were you from?''

Paladia told her.

"Interesting. Did you know that the temple of Apollo in the town next to yours burned to the ground about a dozen years ago?"

"It Did?''

"Yes. So there is some proof your story's not fiction. How are you feeling?"

"Exhausted. Better."

"Me too. But I'm glad you feel better."

"Thanks. You know, I've been seeing that face of that statue for so long. When I saw the one at the bottom of the lake I thought I was going nuts."

"WHAT? What statue? What lake?"

"Er-- by our temple. I saw it when I fell in the first time, but I didn't even realize it was a statue until the other day. Is that important?"

"It's the last missing piece of confirmation about whose temple you discovered. If it's a statue of Artemis, it will prove the Amazon's claim to the temple. Thank you Paladia. Now I can die happy."

"You aren't going to die, are you?''

"Well, not tonight. But unless I get some sleep soon I'll consider it."

................................................................................................................................

The next morning they all assembled to investigate the submerged statue. It was hard to tell under the growth that had accumulated on it from the effects of sunlight entering the cavern, but it did seem to be female, at least. The question was how to raise it.

"We could all hold our breaths and grab hold of it," Eponin finally said sarcasticly. "We got enough hot air."

"That's IT!" Thalesia yelled. "We fill a lot of bladders with air, and tie them to it. Then the ropes to the surface... we can guide it onto a raft..."

"Speaking of ropes," Anaxima chimed in, "If we get them around those rocks at the far edge of the clearing... rig them against the poles here... increase mechanical advantage..."

It took a lot longer than the younger Amazons expected, but when the statue was finally raised, slimy and drippng from its bed, even Ephiny was impressed. Cleaned of the grime it was unquestionably Artemis. It took almost the whole nation to shift it into place, but before that could happen another crisis had to occur.

******************************************************************************************

The work on the temple kept Paladia's mind off some of the pain of her separation from Cait. Her own healing absorbed her as well. Cait, meanwhile, was absorbed in her own way. She had been sick a lot lately. Food that she used to like wasn't agreeing with her, but her appetite was so extraordinary that she had to take food with her everywhere. She had never been so ravenous.

She was up at the surface tightening up the tent-ropes in preparation for a storm that was blowing up. Everyone could feel the drop in pressure, even those down below, and she'd rushed up to help secure the temporary structures.

The sky darkened and the wind rose with a howl and a spatter of drops. Suddenly there was a crack of lightning and almost simultaneous thunder as the trees next to Cait were sruck. She got caught by a flying branch, and felt something break inside of her. She was bleeding... Oh, Hades. She called for help. Clea was not far away; she picked herself up and came over to assist. When she saw the blood, she ran for the elders.

Clea and Solari carried her into the Regent's tent.

"What the blazes happened, Soli?"

"Looks like a miscarriage, Eph. She's losing a lot of blood... seems to be a problem."

"Cait." Ephiny took her hand and looked into her eyes. "What happened? Did someone...?"

"I.. my own fault.. I.. It was just... he was so nice and I was hurting so much... I never thought... He doesn't know."

"Who doesn't know?"

"Konraad. He's.. He's a centaur."

Ephiny blanched. "See if you can find the Priestess, a healer, anybody. Lets try to get the bleeding stopped first. Oh, Cait.." How could you be so... as if I didn't know.

Thunder rolled and boomed. Rain began to fall, single fat drops at first, then pounding, sheeting, waves of it.

Cait screamed. The sound was one of those unforgettable cries that echo into more than one world; the cry of the dying on the battlefield, the demon from the possesed. The door between worlds was open, and Hades made his chariot ready. Cait was writhing in pain. Ephiny held her, while Solari and Clea tried to stop the bleeding. Eponin was busy making up clean bedding for Cait, when a panic-stricken Paladia almost literally blew into the tent. Thalia and Bellona attempting to stop her were trailing behind, dragged off their feet; Eponin tried to get in the way and only succeded in falling down herself, knocking Paladia to the ground right next to Cait. Cait opened her eyes and looked into the face she knew best in all the world. In the space between screams Paladia could see her wavering in a balance so fine that she had only one breath left in which to decide. She struggled to speak.

Only a whisper came out. "Please...?" Whatever eloquence Paladia had was in her eyes. The pain, the hurt, the lies and evasions fell away. No matter what they had been through with each other, no matter what the future might hold, Paladia desperately wanted Cait to stay in the lands of the living. Their eyes locked. Paladia opened her arms and Cait rolled into them. She stopped screaming, and burst into tears.

Rain fell steadily.

As her sobs grew quieter, the doors to other worlds softly closed. The ring of silent Amazons closed as well-- about them. Ephiny slid up to hold Cait's head as Eponin wrapped her long arms about the couple, reaching across them and taking hold of one of her lover's hands. Ephiny motioned the rest of the Amazons to places in a circle around them. Silently, the group formed, everyone touching both some part of the couple in the center and her sisters on either side. Other than the rain, the only sound was their connected breaths, forming a field of energy within the circle of touch.

Gradually the storm passed. Outside, water dripped quietly as night drew around them.

No one knew who began the sounding, but voices rose, singing not words but single notes or simple, drawn-out vowels that wove and twisted about and through them. The sound absorbed all sounds, of sorrow, rage, joy, and hope; of laughter, of weeping and shouting and groaning, singing all the sounds women have ever made, alone or together, into the deep resonant unity of the earth. It expanded beyond human sound; animal, bird, insect were there; the love of bone for flesh, branches for wind; the love of the wind for the rock, of fire for wood and water for fire. In the primordial formlessness, all of space and time opened. The complexity of their toning rose and fell, grew louder and softer, shifted in texture until at last they were done, and all sound resolved itself in silence. Bodies relaxed into each other. Limbs slackened. Death had withdrawn, and Sleep her sister took her place in the room. Eyes closed in concentration fluttered unnoticed.There was no separation: one breath, shared among many lungs; one body, with the integuments of many hands. All hurts closed and healed, assuaged from beyond thought or memory, from the limitless unknown depths of some mysterious well of compassion.

..............................................................................................................................

Alone deep in the earth, Enomalie lay back on the altar of her favorite temple, composed her hands on her chest, and entered her longest and most peaceful sleep. Or perhaps her dream was over, and she awoke in a more perfect harmony, a deeper love. This, like her book, remains unwritten.