Chapter twenty-four

"Checkmate."

"No."

"Sorry."

Sax pushed back in her chair with a sigh, arched her back to work out the kinks she had acquired in the last two hours, and rubbed her face vigorously with both hands. "Well, that was pathetic."

"Not really," Jude said sincerely. Then, fixing Sax with a pointed stare, she added, "And you know it."

"Well," Sax amended with a grin, "it would have been less pathetic if I'd won a game."

"You came clos…closer."

"Uh huh," the surgeon agreed with a grimace. "Closer being the operative word. You take no prisoners, Ms. Castle."

"I didn't expect you'd want me to."

"I don't. I want to be killed cleanly and with as little suffering before hand as possible."

"I'll remember that," Jude replied with a faint smile. She glanced at the clock, already regretting that their private interlude would soon be interrupted by the morning routine. Any minute now, Sax would announce it was time for her to go to the TICU for rounds, and the quiet spell of peaceful communion would be broken. Odd, how relaxed Sax had seemed the last few hours. Of all the things Jude would call the formidable surgeon, relaxed was not one of them. It was nice-very nice, to be alone with her like this.

"Let's get some air," Sax suggested suddenly, reluctant to say goodbye. She didn't need to look at a watch to know the time; in fact, she never wore one. She always knew. "The sun's about to come up."

Jude was too surprised at the invitation to answer with more than a quick nod as Sax jumped to her feet. Where does she get the energy? Jude thought, walking quickly to keep pace. Smiling fondly, she resisted the urge to reach out and hold her hand. Just to touch her.

A few minutes later they stood side by side, leaning on folded arms on the rooftop wall, watching the sky threaten to burst into color. It was serene in the way those last few moments of the night can be just before morning breaks and the demands of the day begin.

"What will you do today?" Jude asked, glancing at the surgeon. She probably shouldn't ask, but she couldn't help herself. She wanted to know where Sax went--what she did--when she changed into her jeans and walked out the door. What do you think? Who do you touch?

"After rounds?" Sax asked musingly, staring straight ahead, caught off-guard by the question. "Stop by the office, check in with Naomi. Make sure everything is under control there. If it's not too hot later, maybe go for a run in the park." She turned her head to study Jude. I'll wish we were on the bike headed for-anywhere-as long as it's just us. As long as you lean against my back and wrap your arms around me. "How about you?"

"Mel and I will review some footage. I'll stop by the office, check with my secretary and the production crew. Make sure everything is under control there. If it's not too hot later, maybe go to the gym."

Sax grinned a little ruefully. "That's scary, you know?"

"Yes," Jude agreed solemnly. "It is."

"Can I buy you lunch somewhere?" Sax asked impulsively. Before there was time for an answer, the sun crowned behind Jude's shoulder, and the light suffusing the side of Jude's face made her glow. Softly, without thinking, Sax murmured, "Jesus-you're beautiful."

"The air must be thinner up here on the roof," Jude whispered, watching Sax's gaze flicker over her face, down her body. "Because it seems to do something to your judgment. As in, it disappears."

"Just mine?" Sax asked, the long supple fingers of one hand tracing the edge of Jude's jaw, ending with a fingertip against the corner of her mouth. "Or does that include you, too?"

"It definitely includes me," Jude said huskily, turning her head to catch Sax's finger between her lips. Gently, she bit it.

"Then I…think," Sax gasped, "we'll be safe if…we…stick together."

"You, Dr. Sinclair," Jude stated ominously, stepping close to her and placing both hands on the back of her neck, "are absolutely anything…but…safe."

Their lips were too close for anything but the kiss that began hungry and rapidly became more, their bodies fusing along every sinewy plane, their arms pulling flesh to flesh in a perfectly matched eruption of desire. Jude moaned, or it might have been Sax, as their hands lifted shirts to slide under--stroking skin--and their hips thrust slowly--stoking fire.

"You make me crazy," Sax breathed into Jude's ear. "Like nobody ever. Do you know that?"

"Am…I supposed to…apologize?" Jude murmured, running her tongue lightly over Sax's neck. "Because I don't…intend to." She was having a bit of trouble keeping her balance because her thighs were trembling, and some part of her brain registered a dangerous rush of blood into a very concentrated spot between her legs, and her ears began buzzing as Sax's hand slipped upward to cup her breast. With the last fragment of her reasoning mind, she choked out, "You can't do that to me here."

"Why not," Sax growled against her mouth. "Just give me a minute."

Jude rocked back, her eyes hazy. "Because it won't take a minute."

"Even better."

"Sax," Jude warned, stilling Sax's hand with her own, "if you keep it up, you'll have to carry me down the stairs. I'll never be able to walk."

"I can't now," Sax murmured, watching Jude's lips and imagining them on her flesh, easing her torment with knowing strokes. "I'm already too hot and too swollen and…"

Jude pressed her fingers to Sax's lips. "Stop. Right. There." She felt Sax's smile curve under her fingertips. "Hold that thought…"

"Which one?"

"The one that just made your eyes go purple," Jude breathed.

"That would be the one where your mouth was on me and…"

"Enough," Jude groaned. "I mean it. I'll have a stroke."

"That's okay. I'm a doctor."

"I want you," Jude said very clearly, her gaze locked on Sax's. "I want you so much I can't think. But even if it's quick, it won't be enough. I won't be able to stop if we start."

"When?" Sax asked urgently. "This morning, this afternoon? Forget lunch--we'll…"

"Sax," Jude said softly, "I can't today. Tonight…"

Sax's eyes darkened with something that might have been disappointment, but before Jude could explain, the code beeper blared.

"Son of a bitch," Sax cursed, already moving away, and Jude knew that when she caught up to her, there would be no time for explanations.

The day had dawned with a vengeance.

 *****

August 7 - 11:47 a.m.

Jude stood naked by the bed, toweling her wet hair as the door to the on call room opened.

"Oops, sorry," Melissa said, quickly backing away, pulling the door closed.

"It's okay, Mel," Jude called. "I'm getting dressed right now."

Slowly, Mel stepped back inside, grinning sheepishly. "I didn't know, you know."

"And if you had?" Jude snapped crossly. "Aren't we a bit beyond adolescent peek and grope games for God's sake?"

Melissa gaped, at a loss for words. There was fury in Jude's eyes.

Jude threw the towel on the floor and reached for her clothes, pulling on her underwear before glancing over at Mel again. When she saw her friend's stricken expression, she stopped, one leg in her jeans, the other still bare, and said softly, "I'm sorry, Mel. Damn, I really am."

Melissa sat down on the end of the other bed and regarded Jude seriously. "You want to tell me what's going on? You've been upset since you got here yesterday morning, but this-I've never seen you like this."

"Are Sinclair and Deb still in the operating room with that gunshot wound?"

"Yes, and you're changing the subject. Or avoiding the question. One of those."

Jude smiled reluctantly. "Not really. I'm angry because I have a luncheon date with Lori and I wanted to see Sax before I left, and now I won't be able to."

"Do you want me to give her a message?"

"Yes-tell her I'm crazy about her and I'm going to lose my mind if I don't get my hands on her soon."

Melissa stared, astounded. Jude's was statement so out of character she couldn't even feel jealous. "Um-which one am I giving that message to?"

For a long moment Jude was silent, the words she had spoken echoing in her head. Then, knowing with irrefutable clarity that she had meant every one, she sighed with something very close to peace. "Sax."

"Whoa."

"Uh huh," Jude agreed, moving over to sit next to Mel on the bed.

"How much have I missed?" Melissa asked. "Like when, where, and how in the hell did you pull this off?"

"Two days ago, a motel, and I have no idea."

"Oh my god. You are my queen."

Jude burst out laughing. "Trust me-you don't want me in charge the way I'm feeling right now."

"Which is?"

"Totally unlike myself. Thoroughly irrational, insane-all my nerve endings are raw. I can't think."

Well, it's about fucking time. Melissa chose her words carefully, because the one thing she cared about most was Jude's feelings. "What does Sinclair say to all of this?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?" Melissa asked incredulously. "You two haven't talked about it?"

"Not exactly, no," Jude replied. "Well, exactly no, really. It happened out of the blue, and then we were both-I don't know-afraid of it, maybe? I know I was thrown by how-strongly, I felt. How incredibly, unbelievably, ama-"

"I got the picture, Jude," Melissa interrupted dryly.

"I'm sorry, Mel. I don't know how to explain because I've never experienced anything quite so-so-disorienting and unexpected."

Love, Jude. That's love.

Melissa got up and began to pace, trying to separate her own underlying disappointment from her desire to be a friend. She'd always known deep inside that nothing would ever come of her unrequited passion for Jude, but seeing her now, hearing her talk about Sinclair, she felt the loss just the same. Trying to keep focused on Jude, she asked, "And you're meeting Lori today?"

Jude glanced at her watch. "In exactly twenty-seven minutes. I've got to go."

"What are you going to say?" Melissa queried as Jude began gathering her things to leave.

"The truth I hope, as soon as I figure out what that is."

*****

Lori put down her fork and signaled the waiter. "Check, please," she said when he drew near. As she counted out bills, she said without looking up, "Let's walk, and you can tell me what you want to tell me."

"Lori," Jude began, setting her silverware aside.

"You called and said you wanted to talk," Lori pointed out reasonably as she put the check and the money on the table. "I can tell you're not interested in lunch. It's also the second meal in a row where you haven't eaten, and I'm going to start taking it personally. Let's get out of here."

Jude could only agree, so she followed Lori outside into the midday sun. "We'd better at least find some shade in the park," she suggested as they crossed the street in front of the Plaza Hotel and walked toward Central Park.

"Good idea. So," Lori asked, "what is it?"

Jude intended to tell her as much as she knew herself, and she didn't know any other way to do that except to say it directly. "I've met a woman. We're not involved exactly, but we've slept together," she began hesitantly, looking at Lori, not knowing what to expect.

"Go ahead," Lori said softly, her expression serious.

"I-I want to see more of her," Jude continued, her feelings becoming clearer as she spoke. She laughed deprecatingly. "I'm not good at juggling two relationships. Hell, I'm not good with one. I needed you to know about this."

"Why don't we sit down over here," Lori said as Jude finished speaking, indicating a wooden bench under the shade of a maple. She stretched an arm along the back of the bench and regarded Jude contemplatively. "I have a feeling I'm not going to like where this is going."

"I know it's-sudden. If I'd had any warning-"

"That's not what I meant," Lori said quickly. "I'm glad you're telling me. I'm just concerned about why."

Jude stared, thoroughly confused.

"Is this the first time you've seen someone else since we've been dating?" Lori asked.

"Yes," Jude replied. "Why?"

"We never said we'd be monogamous. I've seen other people on occasion the last few months. Not steadily, but now and then. When you've been away or just-busy. I assumed you were doing the same when I didn't see you for a while."

"I just didn't," Jude said with a shrug. "Honestly, I really was busy, and what we had was fine."

"So-what's changed? Why can't we still see each other? I don't care if you're seeing someone else," Lori began, then laughed briefly and amended, "well, I care some, but if I had expected monogamy, I would have talked to you about it. I love your company, and you know I love you in bed. We don't need to change that."

Jude smiled, because everything Lori said made sense and she understood it perfectly. And she knew-no, she felt-that what had been enough before wasn't now. "This may sound completely ridiculous, because I enjoy seeing you, too, and it's always been-good-between us physically, but I-I just can't. I can't seem to keep her out of my mind."

"Ah," Lori said softly, hearing the tremor in Jude's voice and knowing what she had left unsaid. "This is serious."

"I don't know," Jude confessed. "Maybe not for her, but it certainly is for me. I need to know what's happening. I don't think I'll feel comfortable dating you until I do."

"I can't say I don't care," Lori admitted, resting her fingers on Jude's shoulder. "I'll miss you, Jude. If it turns out differently than you expect, if things-don't go anywhere, will you call me? We have something that works. I'd like to keep it if we can."

"I'm sorry," Jude said quietly, "if I've hurt you."

Lori shook her head, smiling a bit sadly. "I never asked you for more because I wanted to keep things uncomplicated between us. That was my choice." She paused, thinking about what she had just said, wondering if she'd been totally honest with herself. "If you've found something that you can't let go of, don't. Don't give it up."

Jude leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. "Thank you."

Chapter twenty-five

"I'm sorry, I can't give you that number."

"Look," Jude said, attempting valiantly to contain her temper while reminding herself that it was not Naomi Riley's fault that she couldn't find Sax. "It's important that I talk to her. If you can't give me her number, how about this-could you page her and ask her to return my call?"

"Yes, I can do that. But I have to warn you, it's very possible she's left the city and won't respond."

"What about letting me have her grandmother's number then?" Jude tried.

"I'm afraid that would not be possible," Sax's secretary replied, her tone distinctly cooler now. "Ms. Castle, it's already after five p.m. Doctor Sinclair left the hospital shortly after she finished surgery. She was on call last night, and I don't expect her back in the hospital for at least twenty-four hours, if then. The best I can do for you is to page her."

"All right, I understand. Here's my number-212-555-1783. Please tell her it's important if you reach her."

Two hours later, Jude was still pacing the confines of her apartment and waiting for the phone to ring. The rational thing would simply be to wait until the next time she was scheduled to be on-call with the trauma team and try to find time to talk to Sax then. Forty-eight hours-less than that now. That wasn't very long to wait. Except she knew that she couldn't-all she could think about was the last few moments on the rooftop that morning-the way it had felt to hold Sax and be held by her. The hunger lingered still. And it wasn't only the physical sensations she remembered and longed for that made her so anxious to see Sax. Those fleeting seconds when pain and disappointment had flickered through Sax's normally guarded eyes tormented her. She couldn't bear for the misunderstanding to continue a moment longer. It didn't even matter that it didn't make sense, because very little had since almost the first moment she'd seen her. Maybe from the first instant she had opened her eyes, alone and in pain, and found something solid to hold onto in Saxon Sinclair's sure steady gaze. When it had started, where it had started, how it had started-none of that mattered anymore. All she knew was that she wanted her.

When she accepted that Sax was not going to call, Jude marched into her bedroom and threw a few articles of clothing into an overnight bag. On her way out the door, she grabbed her car keys off the hook along with a light jacket and hoped that her sense of direction did not fail her.

*****

Jude tapped hesitantly at the door, holding her breath while trying furiously to think of a greeting or some kind of explanation that would make sense. Unfortunately, none came to her, and when Maddy opened the door, Jude simply said, "I know it's late, but is she here?"

"Yes," Maddy said as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to receive late-night visitors, or for her granddaughter to arrive disheveled and haunted looking, only to disappear immediately into the barn. "She's out back making a racket, and apparently she's forgotten about supper. I'd be grateful if you could get her inside for a meal."

"I'll try," Jude said, suddenly shy. She couldn't imagine what Madelaine Lane thought of her showing up like this. But the smile and warmth in the other woman's voice alleviated some of her anxiety. That, coupled with her relief at actually finding Sax at the end of this ill-planned search probably accounted for her next unexpected question. "Is she all right?"

"That's a question I don't how to answer," Maddy said truthfully. "Something tells me she'll be a lot better now. Why don't you go find her and let her know you're here? You can go through the house and out through the kitchen. I imagine the noise will direct you after that."

"Yes, thank you," Jude said gratefully.

The sounds of hammering led her through the dark and across the yard to the barn where a light shone through the cracks around the side door. Opening it carefully, Jude stepped in the dimly lit interior. Sax was across the room, her back to Jude, nailing a sheet of plywood to the wall.

"Sax?" Jude called.

Still turned away, Sax paused, hammer in hand, her left forearm braced against the wood, a long nail held between thumb and forefinger. Jude's voice, so distinctively rich and smooth, reached out to her like a caress. "The window blew out in a storm. I'm just covering it until I can order a new one."

"Do you need any help?"

"No," Sax answered slowly, driving in the nail and then carefully placing her tools on a wooden bench to her right. She pivoted, her expression wary. "How did you find this place?"

"I have an aptitude for global positioning. I only have to go somewhere once and I can draw the route on a map."

"That makes sense," Sax mused, resting her hips against the counter behind her and slipping her hands into her pockets. "That probably explains why you're so good at chess. You should be able to predict future moves after only one glimpse at the positions of the pieces."

Shrugging, Jude nodded. "I can. I seem to have extremely strong visual pathways, which is probably why film is such a powerful draw for me."

"You are a fascinating woman--in so many ways," Sax responded softly, almost to herself. Then, she regarded Jude intently. "So, what prompted this?"

"We didn't finish our conversation this morning," Jude said evenly as she crossed the room, carefully avoiding the open tool chest and stack of lumber piled on the floor. She hoped that she sounded more confident than she felt, because she was anything but sure of her welcome, and Sax, as always, was very difficult to read.

"What conversation was that?" Sax asked, watching Jude approach and feeling the room grow warm. Or maybe it was her.

"The one where you wanted to meet me for lunch, but I wasn't free. I never got to explain why."

"You don't need to explain to me," Sax said, trying to keep her voice even as Jude stepped to within inches of her. It was hard to think entirely clearly with her this close. In fact, it was getting more difficult all the time to concentrate when Jude was anywhere nearby. "A simple no is all that's required. If I made you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry."

"You know damn well what you made me feel," Jude snapped, her patience at an end. "Even if we hadn't already slept together once, and practically managed it again--fully clothed on top of a roof where anyone could have walked up on us, I might add--I'd still want you to know why I was declining your offer."

"Jude," Sax said wearily, "did you ever think I might not want to know? I keep thinking I'll stop wanting to touch you every time I see you, but I haven't yet. I keep thinking I'll stop thinking about you even when we're not together, but I can't. I keep hoping I'll stop dreaming about you at night, but I still do. So maybe I just didn't want to hear about your girlfriend."

For a second, Jude didn't know what to say. Finally she asked, "Why didn't you say something about this the night we slept together? I would have told you then that I was seeing someone but that it wasn't-oh god, I don't know-committed, I guess is the term."

"Because I didn't realize how much I wanted that night to happen until it happened," Sax said sharply, pulling her hands from her pockets and then clenching them by her sides. "And then I was so scared by it, I wasn't sure I wanted it to happen again."

Jude's stomach tightened when she realized that she might be alone in her feelings, but she needed to know, for her sanity. "Why? Why does it scare you?"

"Because you make me forget everything," Sax whispered hoarsely, her eyes meeting Jude's. "You make me forget where I am; you make me forget to be cautious. You make me forget about everything except how warm you feel, and how…" She ran a trembling hand across her face and stared beyond Jude's shoulder into the past. "You make me feel… so much."

"That's not bad, is it?" Jude asked gently. She found Sax's hand and laced her fingers through Sax's, closing the distance between them, moving nearer until their thighs lightly touched. "You make me feel things, too. When I'm with you, I feel like all of me is in one place at the same time-whether we're in bed together or just together. I'm not watching myself go through the motions when I'm with you; I am myself when I'm with you. All of me. I like the way that feels."

"I'm afraid of what I feel," Sax said desperately. If she hadn't had her back to the workbench she would have stepped away, because feeling Jude against her body made her blood race. And then she couldn't think, and then she couldn't hold onto her control.

"Why? What do you think will happen?"

"I've worked very hard to build a safe life," Sax said, her tone forced as she struggled to ignore the way her palms tingled under Jude's light touch. "Everything seems better if I don't feel very much; everything is under control then. You make everything crazy--no, you make me crazy."

Jude regarded Sax intently, beginning to suspect that Sax was talking about something more than what was happening between them. She was trembling, and Jude had never ever seen her do that, no matter how stressed, no matter how tired, no matter how pressured she was. "Tell me why you're afraid," she said very softly.

"God, you are the most persistent woman I have ever met," Sax pronounced, laughing a little unsteadily. She didn't have the strength to walk away, and she couldn't lie to her. Then she took a deep breath, and because she really couldn't think what else to do, she told her. "Do you know who Benjamin West is?"

"Uh…" Jude stuttered, taken off guard by the question. "As in West Enterprises? International trade consortium, Fortune Five Hundred?"

"Yes."

"I know who he is. I mean, who doesn't."

"He's my father."

Jude stared, confused. "I don't understand."

"My given name is Saxon Sinclair West. The Sinclair is my mother's maiden name--Maddy's last name, too."

"Of course," Jude murmured, struggling to make sense of the abrupt turn in the conversation. "Lane is Maddy's stage name, isn't it?"

"Yes," Sax replied, "but she's used it for years, even privately. I'm sure most people have forgotten that she was ever Madelaine Sinclair."

"Wait-so you go by your mother's family name now. Why?"

"Because it was legally changed when Maddy became my guardian. I was fifteen years old at the time." Sax swallowed. It was even harder than she had anticipated, but then she'd never said it all out loud before.

Jude tried frantically to recall what she could about the West family dynasty. As far as she knew, Benjamin West was still living, although she couldn't remember if children were ever mentioned in the articles she had read. Fifteen. She said she was fifteen. Something struck her about the timing, and she did some mental arithmetic. "When Maddy became your guardian, she stopped acting, didn't she?"

"Yes," Sax said quietly.

"Why?"

"Because I was… in trouble." She closed her eyes for an instant, and when she opened them, they were shimmering with tears.

"Sax," Jude murmured, taking Sax's other hand in hers, cradling them both lightly in her palms. "You don't have to tell me this. Not unless you want to. It hurts you-I can see that."

"No," Sax objected, resting her forehead briefly against Jude's, "it hurts me to keep it a secret."

Jude lifted her head and pressed her lips to Sax's before urging gently, "Then tell me."

"I can't explain it completely; no one has been able to. When I was a child, they thought I had a learning disability…"

"You?" Jude asked incredulously. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt-but why? I mean, I've seen your CV. I've seen you work. Hell, I've played chess with you."

Sax shrugged, uneasy. "My attention span was limited. I was very active--hyperactive apparently--and I didn't perform well on standardized tests. Finally, when I was nine the doctors decided I had an attention deficit disorder and began treating me with medications. The problem was, I didn't have a neurologic disorder, at least not in the sense of pathological. I do seem to have a highly sensitive nervous system--I don't sleep much, and when I do, the REM patterns are unusually accelerated. Specialized psychological assessments eventually demonstrated that I assimilate information faster than normal, so that when I was young what everyone interpreted as an attention deficit was just boredom."

"How long did it take them to figure this out?" Jude asked. And just how high is your IQ?

"A long time," Sax confessed, her tone anguished as the still vivid memories resurfaced.

"Sax," Jude said, starting to feel apprehensive because Sax was sweating, and the room was cool. She looked pale, practically gray, and it was scaring the hell out of her. "Maybe we should go inside. You can tell me the rest a little later."

"No, I want to finish."

"All right. Of course," Jude said quickly.

"Well," Sax continued, swiping impatiently at the moisture running into her eyes, "the medications only made me worse. Drugs work well for some kids, the ones who have immature or altered neural pathways, but I didn't-mine weren't abnormal, just different. The older I got the more problems I got into, because the psychotropic drugs were altering my brain chemistry, making me-" She stared at Jude, her misery nearly palpable. "It was a vicious cycle. The more they tried to control me with drugs, the worse I became. Part of it was a physical dependence; part of it was drug toxicity. Finally…I cracked."

Jude put her arms around her and pulled her close, holding her tightly, her chest aching so badly she couldn't speak. She couldn't believe it, couldn't even conceive of how frightened Sax must have been, how confused, how lonely. Finally, when she thought she could talk without her voice shaking, she leaned back so she could see Sax's face, but kept her tightly in the circle of her arms. "And then?"

Sax shrugged, her voice a bit stronger. "The doctors thought I was having a psychotic break and my parents had me committed. Fortunately, the first thing you do in those circumstances is stop all the medication, and once they did that, I started to come around. As soon as I started to feel normal, I refused to take any drugs at all. There was a huge battle between Maddy and my parents about what to do with me, since I refused to go home. It's not easy to keep something like this quiet when you're a high-profile industry mogul, and my father was very paranoid about any suggestion of mental instability in the family. They agreed to let me go with Maddy."

"Thank God," Jude whispered vehemently.

"It took a long time for me to feel like they weren't going to come and take me away, and it took me even longer to feel like I could trust myself--trust my life."

"Does anyone know?"

"No," Sax said. "I'm fine. But it could be difficult for me, I suppose, if someone wanted to make it difficult. I don't really think about it very much anymore."

"You didn't have to tell me," Jude said, smoothing one hand over Sax's chest, wanting so desperately to comfort her. "I'm glad that you did. Are you?"

"Yes," Sax said without hesitation. "I told you because… because you're the first person I've ever wanted to spend more than a night with. Except…"

"Except?" Jude asked, fearing that the answer was going to hurt.

Sax laughed, and this time the laughter reached her eyes. "Except maybe now you understand why it worries me that you make me crazy."

"Saxon," Jude murmured as she leaned close to kiss her, drawing back after a second to whisper, "I might make you feel crazy…" and then kissing her again. After a long minute, she managed to add through a throat tight with desire, "I hope I do…good crazy, at least." Sliding her hands over Sax's back, she lifted her eyes to those blue ones and said firmly, "But you are the least crazy person I've ever met."

And then she kissed her again.

****

Chapter twenty-six

Sax wasn't sure how long the kiss lasted, but when she finally became aware of her surroundings again, her legs were trembling and she had forgotten every single reason why being with Jude Castle was a bad idea.

"You're doing that 'making me crazy' thing again," Sax whispered, her lips brushing the outer rim of Jude's ear.

"Oh good," Jude murmured against her neck. "I was hoping that would happen."

"You got your wish."

"Is there any way at all that I can keep making you crazy?" Jude asked, leaning hard along Sax's length, loving the solid strength of her. "Or should we go back to the house and be sociable? Maddy expects me to deliver you for dinner."

Sax slipped her hands under Jude's shirt and ran her fingertips lightly up and down Jude's sides, repeatedly drawing her hands over the underside of her breasts. Smiling as Jude pressed even closer against her, she replied quietly, "The only thing I have an appetite for right now is you."

"Deb says you have incredibly fast hands," Jude breathed, insinuating her hand between their bodies and cupping Sax through her jeans.

Sax swallowed audibly, her eyes going cloudy as Jude's touch made her hard. Hoarsely, she asked, "Does she now?"

"Uh huh," Jude affirmed, catching the seam of Sax's jeans with her nails and tugging slightly. "That's what she says."

"Well, she's pretty smart," Sax gasped, pushing insistently into Jude's hand, rocking against her palm. She'd be in trouble if she weren't careful, but it felt too good to stop and she'd been wanting it since the moment they'd parted two nights before. "So if that's what she says, she must be right."

"Prove it."

Jude squeezed and Sax groaned, closing her fingers around Jude's breasts, gratified to hear her groan, too. Glancing desperately around the barn, she couldn't see a single place clean enough or comfortable enough in which to make love to Jude. Then, through the archway, she caught sight of the answer. Reaching down between her legs, she grasped the hand that was rapidly working her to a fever pitch and pulled it away from her body. Lacing her fingers through Jude's, she said urgently, "Come on."

"What?" Jude asked in befuddled astonishment, her attention still focused on the way Sax's fingers felt squeezing her nipples. But she had no choice but to follow, because Sax was already pulling her across the room.

"Just wait," Sax muttered as much to herself as Jude, moving on unsteady legs, ready to go up in flames at any second. She fished a key ring out of the front pocket of her jeans and pointed a remote at the elegant dark gray Rolls Royce sedan.

"You've got to be kidding," Jude exclaimed as the headlights flashed twice and the muted sound of door locks thudding open reached her ears. "I don't think I made out in the back seat of a car even when I was a teenager. I'm certainly too old for gymnastics now."

"You have no idea what these are like inside," Sax said as she hurriedly opened the boot of the car and pulled out a large flannel blanket. "For emergencies," she commented while opening the rear door and leaning in to spread the blanket on the seat. Turning, she extended a hand and said, "Would you join me, Ms. Castle?"

Laughing aloud, Jude took the offered hand and slid into the spacious back seat beside Sax. "This is crazy. You know that, right?"

"I told you that," Sax replied, regarding her solemnly. Then, eyes dancing, she fell back against the plush leather seat and pulled Jude onto her lap.

Jude thread her arms around Sax's neck and curled into her body, meeting her lips with urgent intensity. Beneath her, Sax spread her legs and Jude rocked her hips into the tight vee between those long thighs. Sax lifted her hips to meet her thrusts as their tongues sent promises of pleasure to come. When the kisses became frantic and the air grew thick with hunger, Jude eased away for an instant, stripped off her shirt, and let it fall behind her. A second later, Sax's mouth was on her breast.

Jude moaned with the quicksilver flash of excitement that streaked from her nipple into the pit of her stomach. Working both hands into Sax's hair, she pulled the surgeon's head tightly to her breast. "Bite me," she whispered urgently, her breath catching in a soft groan as Sax complied. She closed her eyes, wanting only to surrender to the heat and the fury of needs too long unanswered. "You can't know... what... that does to me," she cried faintly, her cheek nestled against Sax's hair.

"Oh, yes, I can," Sax said, her voice deep and sure. "I know…" she bit lightly, "that I could make you..." She bit again. "come..." And again. "like this..." And once more, harder.

"Don't..." Jude whispered, her voice breaking as she tightened inside. "Not yet."

"No," Sax growled, gathering Jude into her arms and shifting quickly on the seat until they were reclining, Jude beneath her, their thighs intertwined. "Not just yet."

She kissed Jude's neck, the angle of her jaw, the corner of her mouth, her lips--hard enough to bruise but backing off just short of pain. She wanted her--wanted to possess her, devour her, drive her beyond sanity--she wanted her so much it was nearly paralyzing. Her heart felt like it would explode. Trembling, aching, she moved her lips slowly down the center of Jude's body, her hands between them working the redhead's zipper open. Moving lower still between Jude's legs, Sax whispered, "Lift your hips." Pulling the fabric down over her legs and finally off, she rested her palms on the insides of Jude's thighs. Pressing firmly with splayed fingers, Sax opened her, then lowered her mouth to enclose her clitoris. Pulling her gently between her lips, tasting her arousal, Sax moaned, and her mind dissolved.

Jude arched under Sax's mouth, every fiber contracting with the exquisite sensation of slick hot pleasure. "Go slowly," she murmured, "it's so good..."

Sax was already lost. She followed only the rhythm of Jude's heart beating, flowed only to the sound of her soft moans, knew nothing but the call of her flesh. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful... When Jude came in her mouth, Sax's mind blossomed with white heat, absorbing every fragment of the moment, treasuring each sound and scent and tremor. She whimpered, twitching inside her jeans, as Jude's passion swept along her nerves and ignited her own need. Her thighs tightened, her stomach clenched, and she came hard on the heels of Jude's release.

*****

"You know," Jude murmured, "if you keep coming without me even touching you, I'm going to start feeling superfluous."

"Believe me you're not," Sax assured her, grinning as she shifted on the broad seat, settling Jude more comfortably against her. "Something happens to me when I touch you. I get…"

Jude bit her neck. "I know…crazy."

"Yeah, that," Sax agreed.

"Well, then, let's see what happens when I touch you," Jude mused, flicking the top button open on Sax's fly. "Maybe you'll have better control."

"I…don't…think…so," Sax warned as Jude slid her hands inside her jeans. "Uh… everything about my nervous system is fast. I don't have anything to say about it most of the time."

"Try."

"Jude," Sax protested as fingers grasped her firmly and her head nearly blew off. "Jes...wait. Give me a minute."

"Okay. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight…" Jude intoned, punctuating each count with a quick stroke over Sax's length.

Sax grit her teeth and tried to remember her on call schedule for the next three weeks. When that didn't help diminish the rapidly escalating pressure between her legs, she considered the quarterly budget. No luck. "Stop…for a…second."

Jude relented. Sax's heart was pounding so hard beneath her cheek it was almost scary. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah. Oh yeah," Sax managed, backing away from the edge. Taking a deep breath, she added, "Just…sometimes quick reflexes are a problem, you know?"

"Ah-does this have anything to do with not sleeping and all that restless energy you have?" Jude questioned quietly, stilling her motion but keeping her hand on her.

"Probably. It gets away from me…and I don't want it to, not with you." She swallowed, pressed her lips to Jude's temple, whispered, "I want to feel it all."

"We can do that," Jude murmured. This she could give her. Gently now, she began again. With her touch she soothed her even as passion stirred. Easing off when she felt Sax shudder, she led her steadily higher, timing her motion to the cadence of Sax's heart. "Tell me when you're close."

Wordlessly, Sax nodded, feeling Jude beside her, inside her-standing between her and oblivion, guiding her surely home. "What you're doing…I'll come."

"Are you ready?" Jude asked softly, but she knew the answer. Sax's entire body trembled, every fiber poised to snap. She was already there.

"Ye…"

Speech disappeared in an avalanche of sensation and Sax turned her face to Jude's shoulder, crying out once, sharply, and then she was gone.

*****

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Eleven-forty," Sax replied.

Jude rolled over and raised her head, peering at the dashboard in the dim light filtering in from the barn adjacent to the attached garage. After a second, she settled back against Sax's chest. "Remarkable."

"A lot of people can do that," Sax murmured, adjusting her back so that the door handle didn't poke her in the shoulder blade.

"Are you always that accurate?" Jude queried, resting her hand against Sax's bare stomach.

"Yes."

"Does that have something to do with your... heightened nervous system?"

"Probably. We get all kinds of cues from our environment that we don't really think about that allow us to orient ourselves in time and space. For me, sensory input is processed and categorized very quickly, automatically, and I don't even pay any attention to it anymore."

"It's not dangerous, is it?" Jude asked quietly, unable to forget Sax's story of being hospitalized. "I mean, you can't get... overloaded... or anything, can you?"

Sax pressed her lips to Jude's forehead and then nuzzled her ear gently. "No. Not as long as my system isn't altered in some way. I'm very sensitive to any kind of drug, but I know that, and I'm careful to avoid them."

"And... uh… sexually? Are you always primed?"

Sax sat up a little straighter on the seat so that she could look into Jude's face. "If you're asking me if my sexual response is indiscriminate, the answer is no. I'll admit it's convenient to be able to relieve physical tension and stress with a quick and easy orgasm. That night you saw me in the bar..."

"That wasn't what I was talking about," Jude said quickly, although she had wondered if their physical intimacy meant the same thing to Sax as it did for her. She'd be lying if she said she didn't hope this was more than just a casual romp for the surgeon. Whereas once the memory of Sax being pleasured by an anonymous woman excited her, now the idea nearly made her insane. She wasn't at all sure that she could handle the thought of anyone else touching her. Still, she recognized that she had no right to make Sax feel uncomfortable. "I wasn't talking about your relationship with other women."

"Weren't you?" Sax responded mildly, running her fingertips along the edge of Jude's jaw. "Well, I'm going to talk about it. I've never attached very much importance to sex, because it was never emotional for me--it was just biology. That's what you saw. It was an orgasm; it was a momentary release; it was an instant of escape. By the time it was over, I had already forgotten it. That's not what this is, Jude." She held Jude's chin in her palm and held her gaze with fierce intensity. "When I'm with you, I feel so much it's hard for me to breathe. When you touch me, you reach all the way inside me. When my hands are on you, I feel like something inside of me is breaking, and it hurts so much I think I'm dying. And I've never been so happy."

Jude was silent a long moment, struggling with emotions so unexpected and so powerful they left her speechless. Never had she wanted anything as much as she wanted Sax's words to be true. The intensity of her longing was frightening, even more so because it made no sense at all. She had never imagined wanting anyone, needing anyone, so badly. She was terrified to believe a single word that Sax said, and even more terrified to think that her words might not be true. Finally, her voice shaking, she said, "I wouldn't mind if I were the only one taxing your nervous system from now on."

Sax laughed and pulled her close. "I have a feeling you'll be taxing a lot more than just my nervous system." Then, her tone completely serious, she added, "I can't imagine anyone making me feel what you do. I don't want anyone else to. And I want you all the time-so damn much. You don't have to worry about where I'll be at night."

"I wouldn't ask you, Sax," Jude murmured softly, "if I weren't mad about you."

Sax grew very still. Jude's words echoed first in her mind, and then filled her heart, and finally touched her soul. "I wouldn't make the promise if I didn't feel the same."

Chapter twenty-seven

A single light glowed in the kitchen and several covered dishes rested on the counter. The aroma of baked chicken and apples nearly brought tears to Jude's eyes. The clock said twelve-thirty.

"I am so hungry," she announced fervently.

"Do you want to eat down here or shall we take something upstairs to our room?" Sax asked, lifting a casserole lid and sniffing appreciatively.

Jude regarded her speculatively. "Our room?"

"You can't really think I'm going to let you sleep anywhere except with me tonight?" Sax queried, an amused expression on her face. "And the Rolls has served its purpose for the evening."

"Uh...I hadn't really thought about us...you know, sleeping together. Here, I mean."

"I never would have figured you for shy," Sax laughed, enjoying the blush that stole to Jude's cheeks, and enjoying too the signs of their recent lovemaking. Jude's hair was disheveled, her shirt untucked, and her lips just short of bruised. Remembering the way those lips had teased her, tormented her, and finally delivered her, Sax's mouth went dry and her knees grew weak. Oh, man, I am so so lost. Suddenly she forgot all about dinner. She advanced on Jude, her eyes ravenous.

"It's just that if we get into bed together, I fully intend to spend most of the night making love," Jude announced, recognizing the shift in Sax's expression from playful to predatory. She figured they had maybe five minutes before they were naked again. If Sax touched her, less than that, because her skin was already burning. "Maddy's your grandmother. Your choice."

"Maddy's room is on the first floor," Sax rasped, backing Jude against the counter, her arms around her waist. She kissed her neck. "And all I want is my skin next to yours for the next twenty-four hours. At least."

"Well then," Jude replied huskily, slipping one hand into the back pocket of Sax's jeans and squeezing, "we're going to need nourishment. Immediately. Because I don't plan on waiting long to have you."

*****

The room, with its large four poster bed, fireplace, and oak dressers was very much like the one Jude had used only a few days before, but it had a lived-in feel that the guestroom had not. The large Oriental carpet was worn by the side of the bed from years of footsteps and a stack of books rested on the nightstand beneath a reading lamp. The large walk-in closet door was open and she could see shirts and jeans and more formal suits arranged within.

"This is really where you live, isn't it?"

"Yes," Sax replied, her tone distracted as she hastily unbuttoned her shirt. They'd eaten quickly; she couldn't remember now how it had tasted. She was wound tight inside, desire coiled so tautly she was in danger of incinerating.

"When," Jude asked, mesmerized by the pulse thudding in Sax's neck. She wanted to put her teeth on that spot--leave a mark. Her mark. She barely recognized herself.

"Maddy and I lived in her apartment in Manhattan the first year that I was with her, but then she bought this place. This has been my room, my home, ever since." She tossed her shirt on a nearby chair and was about to start on her jeans when it finally registered that Jude wasn't moving. Concerned, she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just enjoying the view," Jude replied a bit breathlessly. And the minute we lie down together the only thing I'm going to be able to think about is the way you feel. And this matters. "What happened after you moved in with Maddy?" she asked, valiantly trying to ignore the buzzing in her head.

"I finished high school with home study soon after I was released from the hospital," Sax answered, moving to the foot of the bed, naked from the waist up, a faint sheen of desire misting her skin. Jude stood a foot away, leaning against one of the bedposts, still fully clothed. Sax rested her fingers on Jude's bare forearms. "Nine months later I left for college."

"You were young." A steady pounding between her legs kept time with the beat in Sax's neck. Her vision blurred.

"Yes." Sax lifted a finger, ran it slowly down the center of Jude's throat. "Is this a test?"

Jude swallowed, her voice strained. "How long did it take you? College and medical school?"

"Four and a half years," Sax replied, watching Jude's pupils dilate. She lifted the shirt slowly over Jude's head. Her hands shook. "Why?"

"Because I want to know who you are," Jude whispered, desperate to bury her face in the soft curve of her shoulder. Wait, Jude, can't you? Just wait. What is wrong with me?

"You do," Sax murmured, unbuttoning her jeans. "You know what I need right now, don't you?"

"There's a lot you aren't telling me, isn't there?" Jude said quietly.

"Not so much. Nothing that really matters," Sax said gently. Closing the distance between them, she took Jude's hands and placed them inside the waistband of her jeans. Then she looked into her eyes. "You know more about me than anyone else in the world except Maddy. And there are some things you know that no one else will ever know."

"I like that," Jude whispered, pushing down on the denim, exposing her.

"Yes," Sax said huskily. "So do I."

*****

Sometime late that night, Jude sensed Sax leaving the bed.

"What's wrong?" Jude mumbled, sitting up, naked in the moonlight.

"Nothing," Sax murmured. Shirt in hand she leaned down to kiss her gently. "I never finished that work in the barn. I got distracted earlier."

"I remember," Jude said softly. "Have you slept?"

"Not yet."

"Lie here with me for five minutes," Jude requested, grasping Sax's hand and pulling her back down beside her. "Then you can go."

"That's a tough order," Sax whispered, stretching out beside her. "But I'll do my best."

The last thing Sax remembered was Jude stroking her face, the comforting warmth of her body, and the sweet tender touch of her mouth. The next thing she knew, she was awakening to sunlight on her skin. Opening her eyes, she found Jude watching her.

"What time is it?"

"Don't you know?" Jude asked, smiling.

"Actually, no," Sax admitted, stretching contentedly. "God, I feel great."

"It's nine o'clock."

"How long have you been awake?" Sax asked.

"About fifteen minutes."

"You have a very pleased smile on your face," Sax observed, slipping her hand into the mass of rich red curls at the base of Jude's neck. She pulled her close and kissed her. After a moment, she asked, "What were you thinking?"

"That I liked it that you slept all night with me," Jude replied quietly, her thigh across Sax's leg. "And that you're so beautiful it makes my heart hurt."

"Jude," Sax murmured, watching Jude's eyes grow hazy. "I don't know how I managed before you."

"I know," Jude answered, feeling walls tumbling and doors opening down the hallways of her soul.

They reached for one another at the same time, arms and legs entwining as they joined. They promised constancy with each kiss, pledged devotion with each caress. With their hands, they found one another's need and eased it. With their lips, they sought one another's desire and reveled in it. With their hearts, they heard one another's dreams and answered them. They climbed together, soared together, came together, calling one another's name as passion burned brightly.

*****

"I'm sorry we missed breakfast," Jude said as she gratefully poured her first cup of coffee from the pot that Maddy had thoughtfully brewed and left on the counter. Sax, finally giving in to restlessness, had preceded her downstairs by about five minutes and was nowhere in sight. However, she didn't feel the least bit self-conscious, probably because she was just too damn happy to feel shy.

"Don't give it another thought," Maddy said, smiling up from the kitchen table where she sat reading the morning paper. "There isn't any timetable when you're here. And like it says at the old-fashioned diners, I serve breakfast twenty-four hours a day."

"I'd like to help," Jude said.

"There's not much to do, really. And besides, I enjoy it."

"If you're sure..." Jude acquiesced. "Did Sax get her coffee?"

"She took a cup with her out to the barn. She said to tell you she'd be right back. Apparently there was something she wanted to finish."

Jude laughed. "Well at least she managed to wait until daylight."

"That's rare for her," Maddy remarked, regarding Jude astutely. She didn't need a script to read this scene. She knew where the two of them had slept. Much more importantly, she knew that her granddaughter had slept, and when she had appeared, smiling and clear-eyed, Maddy could have wept.

"So I understand," Jude replied carefully. She didn't want to infringe on Sax's privacy or betray her confidences, but she could see how much Maddy loved her. "She never stops going."

"She's never been able to tell when she's exhausted. She doesn't feel it. She'll run on empty til she drops."

"I'll remember."

"That's fine, then," Maddy announced with a nod, briskly rising to begin breakfast. "So... tell me how the film project's going."

"I can do better than that," Jude announced with a pleased smile. "I have a tape in my bag and I can show you what we're doing."

Maddy turned to look at her, her face alive with delight. "Oh, Saxon has done well finding you."

"Thank you," Sax said smugly from the door, grinning.

Jude blushed and sent Sax a look that promised she would make her pay for that remark later.

*****

Chapter twenty-eight

"Do be careful, you two."

"Absolutely," Sax responded as Jude climbed onto the bike behind her, then reached around with both arms to encircle her waist. It still gave her a pleasant jolt every time Jude did that. Covering one of Jude's hands with her own where it rested possessively in the bend of her thigh, she grinned at Maddy. "We'll be fine."

"Yes, I can see that," Maddy replied. To her knowledge, her granddaughter had never had a relationship of consequence, but knowing Saxon's volatile nature, she very much doubted that she was inexperienced. She suspected, however, that what was happening with Jude was something different altogether. She'd observed the way the two of them had looked at each other all day, and it was clear to her they were both seriously smitten. Even though they didn't seem entirely aware of it yet, it was still a lovely thing to see. "And I'll expect you both to visit again soon."

"We'll be back the day after tomorrow to pick up Jude's car," Sax reminded her. Jude had wanted to ride back with Sax on the motorcycle, which was fine with her. She hadn't wanted to say goodbye quite so soon.

"I wasn't talking about a pit stop, Saxon. I had something more civilized in mind."

"Don't worry, Maddy," Jude said, smiling at the woman for whom she was quickly acquiring real affection. The afternoon had passed in easy conversation with Maddy while Sax busied herself with a number of odd jobs around the grounds. When it had gotten too hot for her to work, Sax had joined them, and the three of them had talked of current films and other news. Finally, after dinner, Jude and Sax had reluctantly prepared to leave. "I'll make sure of it."

"Good, because Saxon tends to lose track of such simple things as time, and two months between visits is too long." Although this time, knowing that Jude would be nearby, she would worry less about Saxon's well-being while she was gone.

"Maddy," Sax said ruefully. "You're going to give her a bad impression."

"Nothing she doesn't already know, I'm sure," Maddy said sharply as she leaned forward to kiss Sax on the cheek. Absently, she stroked her arm as she straightened and stepped away, thinking how much she loved the happiness glinting in her granddaughter's normally guarded eyes. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Sax replied firmly, disengaging the kickstand with the heel of her boot. "We'll see you soon."

Maddy waved once as she watched Sax wheel the large motorcycle around in the center of the lane. As the engine roared and the powerful machine leapt into motion, she saw Jude tighten her hold on Sax, leaning against her, at once protected and sheltering. She had often wondered if ever a person would come who would be able to match Saxon for drive and strength and tenderness. Jude did all that, and more. Oh, what a marvelous pair they make.

*****

Sax pulled to the side of the road as they entered Manhattan. It was a little after nine p.m.

"Where to?" she asked, turning on the seat to look at Jude. She knew what she wanted, but she was a little reluctant to make assumptions. The last thirty-six hours had been like a dream. After Jude had declined her offer for lunch the day before, she had driven to Maddy's in a fury of temper and pain, certain Jude's refusal had been because she was seriously involved with another woman. Sax had wanted her so much, but it wasn't just the physical frustration that had made her wild with rejection and aching with loneliness. When they were together, she was happy. More than happy, she was soothed in some primal part of herself that never truly rested. Once that longing had been unleashed, it tormented her, her heart crying out for the peace that only Jude seemed able to bring. Then, miraculously, Jude had come to her and claimed her--every inch of her--body and soul. Now, as she contemplated leaving her, the night loomed longer and lonelier than any she could recall. More barren even than those desolate nights when she had lain awake in the still, hushed dark of the hospital praying for Maddy to come for her. Maddy had ended her isolation then, but as the years had passed her needs had changed, and Maddy could no longer banish her demons. But Jude had. Jude had. She waited, wondering how she would make it through the night alone.

Jude sensed Sax waiting for an answer, but she had already taken enough risks. She'd followed her to Maddy's and practically-hell, not practically-wantonly seduced her. She'd made clear her desires. Deliberately, she asked, "What do you want to do?"

Sax glanced down once at Jude's hand still resting on her thigh, contemplating whether she could afford to let these feelings loose. She wasn't certain she could contain them; wasn't certain she could ever stop the wanting if she set it free. Then, knowing she had been headed for this moment since the first day they had met, she looked into Jude's eyes and said clearly, "At six-thirty tomorrow morning I have to go to work. Then, for thirty hours or so, my life won't be my own. Until then, I want to be with you."

"You know the way to my place."

Ten minutes later they pulled up in front. Once inside the door, Sax dropped her bag on the floor and waited while Jude walked around turning on lights in an apartment that was a perfect reflection of its occupant.

"What?" Jude asked hesitantly, watching Sax look around with a faint smile on her face.

"It's you," Sax observed, glancing at the array of recording and other electronic equipment fitted into the niches of an antique apothecary bench along the far wall. Beneath the warmth of color manifest in the paintings on the walls, the textured fabrics of rugs and throws, and the lush greenery of living foliage, there was a sense of order and utility. Sensuality and reason, creativity and intent, form and function--the artist revealed.

"It's passionate and purposeful," Sax continued, moving deeper into the room, indicating the space with a sweep of her arm. "You work here, and you live here, and they're the same thing for you, aren't they?"

Jude stared at the woman in the tight black T-shirt and faded black jeans, a handsome, dangerous stranger who knew things she shouldn't and touched her in ways no one ever had. "You scare me."

Sax cocked her head, stood still, studied Jude's eyes. Green--they were deep, deep green verging on black. They looked like that when she was aroused or angry, and now, Sax knew, when she was frightened. "I think it's too late for safety."

"So do I," Jude murmured, walking to within inches of her. "What do you want?" she asked again. How long will it be before I can stand this close to you and not want my hands on your skin?

"I want to do to you what you do to me," Sax said fervently, searching desperately for some way to explain to her how she had changed everything.

"What?" Jude asked, her voice low and husky. "What is it that you want?"

"I want to abide in your secret places and catch your tears before they fall."

"I should make you leave," Jude breathed. You can't know what you're asking. You can't.

"Why?"

"You could hurt me."

"I won't."

"You can't know that."

"Yes. I can."

"What if I don't want you in those places?"

"Then you should make me leave."

Jude ran her fingers lightly over Sax's face, tracing her eyebrows, the steep slope of her cheekbones, the rich curve of her lips. "It's too late."

"Yes. For me, too."

For a moment, they didn't speak, they didn't move. Then, Jude took her hand and led her across the room through a doorway on the opposite side. Once inside her bedroom, they undressed wordlessly, unhurriedly--eyes locked on one another--slowly revealing themselves in slow, mesmerizing glimpses of denim and cotton falling from candle-lit flesh. When they were naked, Jude turned down the covers and slid between the sheets, beckoning to Sax with an extended arm. Sax stretched out on her side facing her, her palm lightly resting on the arch of her hip, amazed at how much she desired her and surprised even more by how exciting it was to wait. She was wet; she was hard; and she wanted the wanting never to end.

"You know, I hated to leave Maddy's," Jude whispered in the flickering light, raising a hand to brush along the curve of Sax's breast.

"Why?" Sax asked, hearing the wistful, almost sad note in her voice. She leaned forward enough to press her lips to the hollow below Jude's collarbone. "We can go back."

"Because," Jude murmured, wondering if she were foolish to say these things out loud, and unable to stop. "I was afraid something would change when we got back to the city."

"What?" Sax inquired gently, moving her hand to Jude's back, pulling her closer until their breasts met and melded. Her body hummed, electrified.

"I'm afraid you'll disappear." It took all her strength to say those words, because admitting how very much she wanted her was terrifying. She slipped her fingers into Sax's hair, pulled her head near, sought her mouth. You are real; I can touch you.

"No, I won't," Sax said deliberately when Jude released her. She ignored the thunder of arousal as Jude's hand stole lower over her stomach, fingers seeking to claim her. She caught her wrist before Jude could touch her, because she knew she would be beyond words then. Raising the hand to her lips, she kissed the palm tenderly, then placed it over her own heart. "Do you feel that?"

"Yes," Jude whispered, her eyes searching Sax's face. In the yellow glow of the candles, her blue eyes were black.

"It's yours."

"Why hasn't someone else claimed it before this?" Jude asked, her throat tight with desire and tears. "It's so precious."

"No one ever wanted it before," Sax murmured, her lips moving gently in the fine hair at Jude's temple. Carefully, she skimmed her palm up the inside of Jude's leg to the vee between her thighs, catching her breath at the slick, welcoming heat.

"I can't believe that," Jude said throatily, her hand still resting on Sax's chest. "You're handsome and brilliant and sexy as hell."

"And arrogant and stubborn and secretive," Sax added with a tremulous laugh. God, she wanted to take her, just take her. Her arm trembled with the effort it took to go slowly.

"Yes, true," Jude agreed softly, turning onto her back, drawing Sax with her. "But it balances out…in the end."

"I'll remind you of that one of these days when I've aggravated you too much," Sax murmured, leaning on one elbow, stroking her now, fingers gliding over engorged flesh, parting her gently.

"Good idea," Jude agreed, her voice shaking, losing focus.

"Jude," Sax said tenderly when she heard the faint whisper of uncertainty still in her voice, "you make it safe for me to be myself. I am not afraid when I'm with you."

Slowly, watching Jude's expression dissolve as her lids fluttered, Sax moved inside her.

"Thank you," Jude whispered, laying her head where her hand had just been, against Sax's heart. Closing her eyes, listening to the sure steady beat, she yielded all her secrets.

Chapter twenty-nine

Personal Project Log - Castle

September 7 - 9:45 a.m.

[Note: Episode title-Call to Battle] Holiday weekends are even more difficult than normal, because when people party, they get into trouble. Trouble comes in many forms--bar brawls, car accidents, domestic disturbances, robberies, gang altercations. What it means in practical terms for the trauma team is that there is more work, fewer people to do it because of vacation schedules, and a general sense of stress and anxiety about what might be coming next. I should qualify that--Sinclair and Stein don't seem particularly worried. The two of them are almost unnaturally calm, as if they know that they'll deal with whatever fate may deliver. Confidence? Self-assurance? Maybe just simple experience, at least on Sinclair's part. The rest of the staff are keyed up--from the nurses to the ancillary personal to the security guards at the front doors--you can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. Excitement mixed with dread, like the kind of ambivalent anticipation you feel looking at one of those ridiculously large amusement park rides, wondering if you'll vomit or laugh half way down.

Labor Day weekend is the end of summer and underneath the gaiety is a thread of anger and sadness.

Today's Saturday, the first full day of the long weekend, and the team just finished rounds in the TICU a few minutes ago. Stein and Sinclair are already in the operating room doing emergency exploratory surgery on a patient who was shot three days ago. Apparently, she is having episodic spiking fevers and they suspect an abscess somewhere in her abdomen. Because Sax and Deb are also the admitting surgeons for the day, the backup team, all of whom have been here since six o'clock yesterday morning, has to stay until this surgery is over and the two of them are free.

Jude turned off her recorder and randomly selected a tape from the pile on the desk. She slid it into the VCR and pushed play, leaning back in the swivel desk chair and propping her feet on the wastepaper basket. It only took a few minutes for her to recognize the scene as one in which Sax and Deb had been working on a New York City police officer who had been injured in a high-speed crash while pursuing a suspected dope dealer up the West Side Highway. Parts of the tape were dizzyingly shaky because Mel had been jostled by the dozens of police crowding into the trauma bay trying to find out how their fallen comrade was faring.

Leaning forward, she muted the volume. She wasn't interested in the conversations. She was only interested in the dark-haired surgeon whose face was a study in fierce concentration and whose hands moved like magic over the landscape of flesh and bone. As Jude watched, images unexpectedly fused and blurred, her memory transcending time. Sax leaning over the officer became Sax leaning over her in the trauma bay at Bellevue and then suddenly it was Sax leaning over her in bed the night before-hands playing over her skin with unerring certainty, finding all her tender places, making her molten, making her scream, making her come.

She caught her breath at the swift stab of pleasure that accompanied the memory and closed her eyes. This had been a bad idea. She'd only wanted to see Sax's face for an instant because she missed her, and now she ached in a way that she knew was going to torment her for hours.

"Jude?" a curious voice behind her inquired. "You okay?"

Swinging around, she grinned sheepishly at Mel. "Yeah. Fine…just woolgathering. Waiting for Deb and Sax to finish up."

"And the silent movie?" Melissa asked, pulling over a chair, nodding toward the tape that still ran on the screen.

"Oh…that…nothing…I was just…" She stopped, unable to think of an explanation that wasn't ridiculous, as if the truth weren't ridiculous enough. Shrugging, she sighed and admitted, "I wanted to look at her."

Mel followed Jude's gaze and watched Sax and Deb work for a few seconds. It was good footage. They were captivating women. But Jude looked more than captivated; she looked stunned. "You really are nuts about her, aren't you?" she asked, a touch of awe in her voice.

"Seems like," Jude acknowledged. She glanced at Mel self-consciously. "Crazy, huh?"

"Not as long as it's mutual," Melissa replied carefully, mindful of the fragile line between caring and intruding. "Is it?"

Jude smiled, recalling Sax in the shower that morning, head thrown back, eyes closed, fingers laced through Jude's hair, moaning Jude's name.

"Yeah. Uh huh. Seems like."

September 7 - 1 p.m.

DRM 15,860

We're on the roof waiting for South Star to bring in two patients found unconscious in a burning crack house. Preliminary reports indicate burns and inhalation injuries. As I look around, Nancy Stevenson--Aaron's replacement-and a respiratory technician, a med tech, and Sinclair and Stein are standing in a cluster, faces turned to the sky, poised to move. You can almost feel the tension rippling in the air. It's not as hot today as it has been, and there's a breeze. In the distance, I can hear the rotor blades thumping. There are stretchers with equipment piled onto them awaiting the wounded. No one is talking. The silence is eerie.

"The blades aren't that low, but watch your head nevertheless," Sax advised as Jude stepped up beside her.

"Understood," Jude responded, keeping an eye on Mel who was filming as they all moved forward in anticipation of the chopper's arrival. She had to be sure that her photographer was clear of the landing site as the helicopter descended. Looking up into the sky, she held her breath, waiting for the drama to begin.

"It's odd how all sense of time, everything actually, disappears when the injured arrive," she observed almost to herself. There was a terrible pain in her leg…she found herself staring into a huge silver disk with a hot white bulb in its center… a silhouette took shape in her field of vision, backlit by the bright light…features began to emerge …a face bending near-blue eyes, so dark they were almost purple, intense and penetrating-black hair, thick and unruly… "Everything recedes into shadow except the space around the patient, and that's like a spotlight in the center of a darkened stage."

Sax glanced at her, struck by the pensive tone in her voice. They hadn't been alone together since they'd parted at the hospital doors six hours before. The sun on Jude's burnished copper hair glinted like shimmering firelight, reminding her that when she had awakened that morning, those glorious tresses had been scattered across her chest and Jude's face had been nestled in the crook of her neck. She had lain awake a long time the night before after Jude had shuddered to a climax in her embrace. Still, she had been more than content to rest with the soothing sound of Jude's soft breathing whispering in her ear. Finally, she had truly slept, and it had been a sleep without dreams or anxiety. She moved a step closer, her arm brushing Jude's. "Time is suspended. There is only the now. No past, no future, no hopes, no dreams. Only the indecipherable reality of life. If you spend enough time on call, you'll forget there is any other world."

"That's frightening," Jude observed quietly. I don't want to forget what I feel when you touch me. I don't want you to forget what I make you feel.

"But very effective. It's difficult to be efficient and focused if you're worrying about a dinner date or a birthday party. Everything about the training is oriented toward isolating us on some level from everyone else, even if it's never truly acknowledged."

"Here comes the chopper," Jude remarked with a sigh, knowing that their time was at an end, excited by what was about to happen, and indescribably sad that in the midst of it, she and Sax would be distanced even further.

"I still know you're here, Jude," Sax murmured, watching the helicopter grow larger against the backdrop of blue. "I still feel you on my skin."

"You say things that make my heart stop," Jude breathed shakily, staring at her in amazement. Sax stood with her face in profile, a smile lifting the corner of her mouth. "And at the damnedest times-like now, when I can't touch you, and it's sure to make me wild. You're so damn impossible to predict, it drives me crazy."

Sax's grin widened. "No, I'm not. Just because I understand the game, doesn't mean I choose to play. I won't go away. I'll always know where you are."

"Sax..." Jude began, but her words were drowned out by the descent of the helicopter, and Sax was already racing forward, one hand guiding a stretcher. Jude watched her go, and even though she knew the surgeon's mind was entirely focused on the wounded men being lowered from the helicopter onto the waiting gurneys, she felt connected. What they had shared in the night had not ended with the coming of the dawn or faded in the harsh, bright light of life on the front lines.

"Are you getting it?" she shouted as she rested one hand on Mel's shoulder and steered her to an open space where the sight line was better for the camera, maneuvering her around the group of medical personnel administering to the injured almost before they had been lowered from the helicopter.

"Of course I'm getting it," Mel shouted, never looking away from her viewfinder. She trusted Jude to make sure she didn't lose the top of her head to one of the rotor blades, because if she missed the shot, she'd lose her entire head to Jude's temper. "Just keep me in the clear and I'll get you what you want."

"Roger that," Jude called, riding high as everything in her life came together almost as if it had been scripted-- she was doing the work she loved and watching the woman she lov... Oh, no. Do not go there. No, no, no. Not now. No way.

Jude kept well back as Sax swung the gurney around, Deb steering the second one, and they all headed down the ramp toward the elevators at a run. Running to keep pace, Jude tried not to think about how mindshatteringly sexy Sax looked. 

*****

En route to the trauma admitting area, both men had already received pain medication and loading doses of antibiotics. One had been intubated by the paramedics, and the breathing tube extending from his trachea had been connected to a respirator. Sinclair and Stein bent over him, discussing the plan of action in low measured tones. Jude and Mel edged closer to capture both the picture and the sound.

"What's his pO2?" Sax asked.

"Lousy--eighty-four on a hundred percent oxygen," Stein replied, glancing at a computer printout she had just collected from a nearby terminal. "His carbon dioxide level is high despite being ventilated, too."

"What you think?"

Deb studied the young man who didn't appear to be much older than his late teens, lying naked on the stretcher connected to a plethora of monitors and intravenous lines. Much more remarkable than this array, however, was the circumferential rubbery scar tissue encircling his chest which indicated a full thickness burn. The rest of his body was fairly untouched and it appeared as if his shirt had caught fire, probably from his crack pipe.

"I think the burn scar is constricting his chest movement and preventing efficient ventilation. If we can't expand his chest, we can't fully aerate his lungs and it doesn't matter what we pump into him, he's not going to breathe well," Deb summarized.

Sax nodded in evident satisfaction. "Agreed. Your recommendation?"

"He needs scar release-escharotomies-right now."

"Here or upstairs in the OR?" Sax queried, leaning back against the counter, arms folded over her chest, her tone conversational, as if she were discussing the latest sports scores. Her eyes, however, belied her casual demeanor. They were fixed on Deb's face so intently that Jude thought perhaps Sax could actually see what Deb was thinking.

She's marvelous, Jude thought. She's always watching Deb-evaluating her, testing her, guiding her-and all the while she's allowing her to grow and become independent.

"Breathe, Jude," Melissa murmured in Jude's ear. "It's going to be a very long day and you're going to need all your strength. Maybe you should just let me film and you try not to look at her. It seems to do something serious to your system-like shut it down."

"Shut up, Mel, or I'll be forced to hurt you," Jude whispered back, but she couldn't hide her sheepish grin. God, she loved to look at her and couldn't imagine that ever changing.

Deb Stein shrugged her shoulders and came to a decision. "I think we can do it right here. The burn scar is insensate so he won't feel it, plus he's got narcotics onboard even if there is some discomfort. We need to stabilize his cardiopulmonary status before we do anything else, so we might as well get to it."

"Go ahead," Sax suggested, moving out of the way so that Deb could open the instrument packs and prepare the area where she would make the incisions. "It's your show."

Stepping back next to Jude, Sax asked quietly, "You okay?"

"Yes," Jude replied. "Is he going to live?"

"Probably. He's young; we got him early. We'll know better in a few days." Craning her neck to see over Deb's shoulder, she instructed, "Put that lateral incision a little more anterior, Stein. And don't go too deep or he'll bleed all over the place."

Jude watched Deb work, aware that Sax, despite her casual demeanor, was watching her intently as well.

"You free for lunch?" Sax asked after a moment, her gaze following the sweep of the scalpel blade in Deb's hand.

"Yes."

"I'll treat you to the street carts out front."

"Wonderful," Jude responded, catching Sax's grin and thinking she'd never had such a perfect invitation.

*****

Chapter Thirty

Sept. 8 - 5:48 AM

Jude came awake with a jolt, startled from sleep by the sound of shouts and running in the hall outside the on-call room. Beside her, Melissa was sitting up reaching for her jeans.

"What's going on?" Mel asked, fumbling into her clothes.

"I don't know," Jude replied as she jumped from bed and stepped into her chinos. As she was pulling on her boots, there was a sharp knock on the door and Sax's voice calling, "Jude?"

Jude crossed the room to the door in a matter of seconds, pulling it open as Melissa crowded behind her. The two women stepped out, joining Sax, as Jude questioned anxiously, "What is it? What's happened?"

"A tanker overturned in the tunnel. It's blocking the exit on this side and there's a huge chain reaction pileup behind it underground. Mass casualties--that's all I know at the moment. I'm taking the first response team out now. Deb is organizing the second team. I'll let you know as soon as I get--"

"Mel, get the portable videocameras and all the tape you can carry," Jude interrupted urgently as she kept pace with the trauma surgeon, who was already hurrying down the hall. Interpreting Sax's quick frown to mean that she was concerned about delays, she added, "Don't worry, we won't hold you up. We'll get our gear, join Deb's team, and meet you there. "

"Jude," Sax began, too many things on her mind to be circumspect, "it's going to be a mess out there. We'll be first on the scene because we're practically right on top of it. I'm not even certain yet that the tunnel is structurally secure."

She didn't need to elaborate that if the stretch of highway carved out of bedrock under the Hudson River collapsed, the casualty count would soar.

"Let's go find out," Jude answered impatiently, electrified by the opportunity to be one of the first photojournalists on the scene. These were the moments of human tragedy and human greatness. These were the moments she lived to immortalize.

No. Sax wanted to tell her to stay behind; she wanted to tell her it would be chaos and insanity out there; she wanted to tell her that she couldn't work worrying about her. She didn't say anything, though her stomach clenched with apprehension, because she knew if the situation were reversed, nothing would keep her from doing what she had to do. Instead she grabbed Jude's hand and squeezed it briefly. "Fine, but I probably won't see much of you. Just... be careful...okay?"

"Okay," Jude responded instantly, unconcerned about her own welfare. Suddenly, however, she realized that as the leader of the first response team, Sax could be in danger. The initial moments in situations like this were always so unpredictable. The tanker could blow, the tunnel could flood, vehicles could explode. God. Tugging on Sax's arm, she halted her in midstride and pulled her around until they faced each other. "Don't be a hero, understand? I couldn't…"

Sax smiled, lifting a hand to rest her fingertips on Jude's cheek. Unmindful of hospital personnel moving around them in the hallway, she closed the distance between them until their bodies nearly touched. Softy, her eyes holding Jude's, she assured her, "I wouldn't think of it. Just you be careful, too."

Before Jude could respond, Sax kissed her swiftly and then was gone.

******

"Look at this mess," Deb exclaimed as the three of them stood on the sidewalk in front of the hospital, surveying a scene out of a disaster movie. "We'll get there faster on foot. Let's go."

Street traffic was completely gridlocked. People were standing outside their cars, trying to see what the hold-up was, shouting at one another. Scores of police were hastily erecting barricades and trying to divert traffic. Emergency vehicles, sirens blaring, were forced at some points to detour onto the sidewalks, making painfully slow progress in the crush of stalled or immobilized trucks and cars. The noise level made conversation almost impossible.

"What about the rest of the team?" Jude questioned, indicating the ambulance edging out into traffic from the emergency entrance of the hospital.

"They'll catch up," Deb pointed out, already moving. Mel, with her camera braced on her shoulder, was beside the young surgeon, tape rolling. Jude fell into step with them, the decision clearly made.

It wasn't hard to tell where they needed to go. The tunnel was only a few blocks away, and even if they hadn't known that, they could have navigated by the reflection of flashing emergency lights against the undersurface of the gray dawn clouds or followed the sound of screaming sirens. As she ran, the second camera tucked under her arm, Jude wondered if Sax and her team were already at the crash site.

"How many cars are trapped?" she asked, hastily clipping her network badge to her multipocketed khaki vest.

"At least twenty," Deb informed her. She was in scrubs, a stethoscope dangling precariously from her neck and a handful of rubber tourniquets streaming from her pockets. "According to the first radio report there are as many as a hundred injured, but you know how inaccurate that can be."

Deb stopped short and Jude nearly collided with her. Mel drew alongside, breathing hard from the added effort of carrying the extra gear. She didn't look tired though; with her blond hair poking out from under her baseball cap and her baby blue eyes sparkling with excitement, she looked exhilarated.

"Holy cripes," Melissa gasped.

They all stared, speechless, for a moment their mission forgotten. The four lanes leading from the mouth of the tunnel into Manhattan were completely blocked with dozens of emergency medical and police vehicles, many parked haphazardly with their light bars flashing. A huge fire engine nearly blocked the mouth of the tunnel--men clambered over it, unraveling thick hoses, disappearing with them into the billows of black smoke that poured out, engulfing them in acrid air and ash. It was impossible to see very far inside the tunnel through the dense clouds, but there were already a dozen or more injured men and women who had found their way out staggering about in the midst of the pandemonium.

Jude stood rooted to the spot, staring into the face of her nightmare. She knew exactly what it was like inside that tunnel-she knew the sounds, and the sights, and the smell. Twisted metal, broken shards of glass; the pungent odor of electrical fire and burning rubber; confused shouts; screaming. She knew the pain and the fear and the helplessness, too. She wanted to run-from the memories, from the reality, from the terror that surged into her chest with all the force it had on that morning five years before.

"I need to set up a command post and a triage center," Deb shouted, suddenly finding her voice and mercifully jolting Jude back to the present. Pointing to several emergency medical vehicles closest to the tunnel ramp, she added, "That looks like the best place."

"What about Sax?" Jude asked, running next to Deb again, trying to avoid colliding with firemen and police officers and emergency paramedics, all of whom seemed to be running as well. "Where is she?"

She didn't go in there. Of course she didn't. Why would she do that? No one would do that. That would be insane.

"Don't know. She probably went inside to assess the number of injured. There must be people trapped in vehicles in there, too."

A new rush of fear seized Jude by the throat, and for a moment she couldn't breathe. Sax is not inside that tunnel in the midst of smoke and fire and God knows what else. She said she would be careful. She said she wouldn't be a hero. She promised. Glancing frantically about, Jude searched for Sax's distinctive figure in the churning mass of people. Now that they were closer, she could see paramedics beginning to emerge from the tunnel carrying stretchers with injured, leading those who could walk, and shouting for assistance.

In a voice that sounded startlingly calm to her own ears, she directed, "Mel, I'm going inside. You stay with Deb."

"No way," Melissa objected, looking up from her viewfinder-she'd begun filming in earnest as soon as they'd gotten close. "This story is in there, and I'm going, too."

"We don't have time to argue about this," Jude said sharply, her temper flaring with a mixture of worry about Sax's whereabouts and her own terror of walking into that dark hole in the ground. "We need footage of Deb for the documentary."

"We'll have plenty of time to get that later. Right now we need to be where the action is, and you know damn well that's inside that tunnel," Mel insisted. "You stay with Deb and let me go in."

She wanted to agree. Everything she feared was in there. And so was everything she cared about. If it had just been the story, she might have given in to the nausea that clawed at her throat and turned her blood to ice, and sent Melissa in alone. Maybe. But Sax was in there, too. She couldn't stand outside and wait. She needed to go in there, for herself and everything that mattered.

"We'll go together," Jude said firmly. She grabbed the sleeve of Mel's jeans jacket. "Come on, before they get organized and try to keep the press out."

"Stay close, will you," Melissa shouted as they ran. "I don't want to lose you in there."

"Don't worry," Jude assured her. "I'll be right on your back--just like always."

"Today I won't mind," Melissa said fervently, making a hard right around a barricade the police were setting up to prevent unauthorized people from going into the tunnel.

Melissa and Jude ignored the shouts calling them back, and in a moment they were obscured from sight by the dense curtain of roiling smoke and plumes of fire.

Continued (Conclusion)

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