Disclaimers: This story contains violence, adult situations, and same sex relationships, which at times are graphic. If this is not suitable for you, please don't read any further.

All characters found in this story are the creation of Lisa S. and are her property exclusively.

Feedback is appreciated.  Please send feedback to     jdjenkins7@aol.com.  Visit Lisa’s website Gemini @ http://www.geocities.com/jdjenkins7/gemini.html.

Her
By Lisa S.

PART 2

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Isis was a local lesbian bar that the three of us frequented.  The bar held the residue of memories for all of us.  Good and bad, breakups and reunions, parties and fights.  The owner of Isis was Marg, a rotund, butch of a women who seemed to watch all these events from the background.  She rarely offered any advice to her patrons, but if asked, she would give insight on what she thought and what she saw.  Never gossip, merely an outside opinion, which is often right on the mark. 

Marg was a good friend of mine.  She’d seen many of my breakups and without passing judgment she would sit me down at the bar and talk about life in general, never adding salt to any of my wounds.  When I was at the bar, she’d be sure to save a special smile for me. 

Dressing for the bar was always a traumatic experience for me.  I never knew what to wear that would catch people’s attention and yet I would be comfortable in.  This time, I really didn’t care.  I was going for Megan, not to woo someone.  Throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweater, I put on a pair of loafers, grabbed Megan’s previously purchased present, and left after running a brush through my hair.

I was earlier than I needed to be.  I put my gift for Megan on the table designated with the sign “Gifts for Megan”.

“Original Marg,” I threw over the bar where Marg was bent over getting a bottle of something from a bottom shelf. 

Grunting in return, she straightened, a frown on her face.  “I’m not the creative talent around here.  I leave that up to you professional types who get paid for being creative.”

I laughed lightly at her humor.  “Marg you wouldn’t like it anyway.  Wearing heels all day and the occasional skirt—“

“Enough said!”  Holding up a beefy hand, Marg made a face.  “Not a chance.  Gimme my bar and my sneakers any day.”  She smiled briefly before getting serious again.  “Spooky, you won’t believe who’s back in town.”

“Who?” 

“Annie.”

I felt my stomach flip.  “Annie?”  I repeated stupidly.  I knew it couldn’t be who I thought she was talking about.  I’m sure it was another Annie.

“Yeah, as in your ex?”  Marge slid a 7 and 7 my way, probably figuring I’d need the alcohol.  She as right.

Annie.  I hadn’t seen her in 9 years.  I hadn’t wanted to see her in at least 5.  There had been a time where I’d willed her to come back to town, to me.  But, I eventually moved on enough that I didn’t really think about her anymore.  And now she was back. 

We had met when I was looking for an internship in the advertising world.  My senior year in college, I wanted to get my foot in the door before I actually graduated.  Manchester Designs was one of the best firms in the area, so I went there first.  Annie was head of the graphics’ department there.  She had a warm smile and a firm handshake.  That was my first impression of her.  And, she came on to me the first day I was there.  We dated for a little while, maybe a month before we were sharing her office and her bed.  Two years later, she left, saying that she needed to move on and that the move didn’t include me. 

I was heart broken.  She had been the first woman I had actually slept with.  I knew that I was a lesbian, but I had never acted on it.  Actually, she was the first person I had slept with period.  I thought that we had had something special. 

It took time, but I moved on and realized that while I was content with our life, I wasn’t happy with Annie.  At least not happy like I had always dreamed I would be.  But, there was something about Annie.  There always had been.  An attraction which had devastated my life. 

Now she was back.  9 years later, she came back.  I wondered why she was back in town.  What had brought her back to the place that she swore kept her from achieving her goals?

“You in there Spook?”  Marg’s gravely voice called out to me.  She had to of known that hearing about Annie would upset me in some way.  Her dull brown eyes looked at me with something that was closely related to sympathy.  “You know, she looks really different now.”  She shook her head as she thought about it, her hand automatically reaching for a wet rag to clean the bar with.  That was some sort of bartender’s security blanket, the rag in hand, ready to catch those drops of moisture that fell off glasses or the occasional spilled beer.  “Funny how time changes people.”

“Yeah,” I said absently, my mind having drawn away from the present, hiding in a place of the past, a time when I was still innocent enough to believe in people and their promises.

As I sat there, I contemplated innocence.  It was something that was taken away from you, something that was quietly stolen from you in the night, a little at a time until you can’t remember what it was like to have it.  I know I once had it completely.

Interesting how you think of how you’ve changed and matured, how you’ve grown as years past by, but you can’t remember how it happened.  It just did. 

“SPOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKYYYYYYYY!”  A loud, obnoxious voice rang out through the entire bar.  Everyone turned there head toward the door and the small woman bearing a severe buzz cut that made her look like a miniature G.I. Jane.

Oh Lord, I thought to myself.  Marg gave me a strange smile, so I might have just said it out loud, I’m not sure. 

The short dynamo made her way toward me, a vicious smile on her face.  “Hi Dana,” I said through my teeth. 

“How ya been partner?”  She gave me an exaggerated wink. 

Partner.  When Dana found out that my first name was Fox, it didn’t take too long for her to put two and two together.  Dana and Fox, as in Scully and Mulder.  The X-Files.  She insisted that we were just like them.  I gave up arguing that she looked nothing like Scully without hurting her feelings. 

“I’m okay, how about you?”  I let my eyes scan the bar, trying to make it obvious that I wasn’t giving her my full attention.  Dana grated on my nerves like few people could.  Where was Megan when you needed her?  Megan and Dana hated each other.  Long story, centering around a tall willowy blonde, her dog, and Megan’s car. 

“Oh great, great!”  Her voice grew more annoying as she talked, if that was at all possible.  Looking around the bar herself, her eyes narrowed when she saw the table with the sign for Megan.  “What’s going on here tonight?”  She said suspiciously.

Inwardly grinning, I figured I’d milk the event as much as I could, hoping it would frighten her away.  “We’re having a huge surprise party for Megan!”  I said enthusiastically.  “It’s going to be great!  Lots of her friends here, all celebrating the day she was born.”

“Bitch!”  Dana seethed quietly.  I was trying so hard to keep a straight face that I think I was straining some muscles.  “I can’t even go out without her taking over my bar!”  Huffing and puffing under her breath, Dana’s eyes glazed over and she ran a hand over what little hair she had on top of her head. 

Her bar?  That’s typical.  Lesbians found one spot and it became their’s.  No one else had a right to be there. 

Turning to me, a tight smile on her face, Dana shook her head.  “I’m going to get going Fox.  I just remembered that I forgot to feed Spanky.  Maybe I’ll see you later.”

Before I could reply, she was practically running out of the door.  I burst out laughing and heard my laugh echoed by someone else sitting at the bar.  The laugh was deep and throaty.  Turning, I spotted the woman behind the laugh.  She was fairly tall and average sized, her hair a dirty blonde.  When she caught my eye, she lifted her drink in greeting to me. 

“I’m assuming that was no friend of yours?”  Her speaking voice was just as throaty as her laugh.  The kind of huskiness that came from years of smoking. 

Shaking my head, I laughed in return.  “Definitely not.”

Smiling from the corner of her mouth, she lifted her drink and moved a little closer to me, presumably so that we could continue to converse without having to talk so loudly.  “And who exactly is Spanky?”  She asked, referring to Dana’s parting words.

Again I laughed.  It felt good to laugh like this, so easily.  It couldn’t have been that long since I’d really laughed, but it felt like it.  “Her dog.  A large, annoying mutt of some sort.”

Taking a sip of her drink, the woman seemed contemplative for a minute.  “Well, you know what they say,” she smiled at me again.  “Pets often look like their owners.”

The laugh shot from me before I could stop it.  A full belly laugh that made me want to roll on the floor.  “Oh, that’s a good one,” I managed to get out as I laughed, tears beginning to form in my eyes. 

The woman joined me in the laughter, and I was again aware of the way it affected my ears.  Definitely a pleasant sound.  “I’m Elaine, by the way,” she held a hand out in my direction.

Grasping it lightly, I smiled.  “Fox.”

She looked at me strangely and then shook her head.  “I’m not even going to ask you about your name cause I’m sure you get asked all the time.”  Squeezing my hand, she held on to it for a minute before letting go.  “Nice to meet you Fox,”  she said letting my hand drop.  Her eyes wandered the bar for a long moment before she turned back to look at me.  "New in town, haven’t really met anyone around here.  Figured a bar was always a good place to at least be around people.”

I was getting mixed signals from Elaine already.  There was a distinct feeling of interest coming from her.  The way she had inserted herself into the thing with Dana, then the way she held my hand a little longer than necessary.  I could be mistaken, but then again I could be right.  Studying her for a quick second, I decided that she was definitely not repulsive.  Quiet attractive really.  Never hurts to talk, right?  Plus, as she said, she didn’t really know anyone.  She probably just was craving conversation and I happened to be there. 

“Well, you picked a great night to come.  One of the regulars is having a birthday party here tonight so they’ll be plenty of people for you meet.”  Then again, we’re talking Megan’s friends here.  Now, granted, she’s my best friend in the entire world, and I love her to death, but her taste in friends was rather eclectic.  We’re talking from shaved heads with piercings everywhere, to business suits in heels. 

Suddenly I realized that Elaine’s light blue eyes had darkened briefly as I spoke.  Something flashed across her face, only lasting a brief second.  “I’m sure you’re right, but really I wasn’t all that interested in meeting that many people.  Just one…”  she trailed off before continuing, “…or two women who think the way I do.”

Ah, the sign.  She was looking to take someone home.  And she was into group activities.  Or at least a third person wouldn’t be unwelcomed.  Eek.  Well, maybe I could steer her in the right direction.  As I looked at her and again saw her eyes darken, I realized what she meant.  She was thinking about me!  That was lust in her eyes, nothing more, nothing less. 

Before I could stop myself, I did a quick check to see what I was wearing.  Nothing unusual.  I don’t pretend to be the most desirable woman in the world, but I haven’t had any complaints about how I look either.  Still, this kind of blatant interest was new. 

“I’m sure you’ll find someone,” I muttered into my drink, looking for an escape.  I don’t know if I was escaping her, or myself.  Damn, could this day get anymore complicated?

More and more people began to show up and I was inundated by familiar faces that wanted to greet me.  In many ways, it was nice to be someplace where I was welcomed and missed.  There were a few women that I really used to enjoy spending time with, whom I considered friends, but I had forgotten about them in my daily life.  I made a few lunch dates with some of them, exchanging promises of keeping in touch. 

The entire time, Elaine sat at the bar watching me.  She had been approached a few times that I had seen, but sent each woman away with a smile.  It really made me think.  It had been a long time since I’d been with anyone.  For a long time I had put my body’s needs aside, simply because sex didn’t fulfill my soul’s needs.  I was tired of feeling incomplete after a night of sex, feeling empty.  So, I just stopped.  I stopped trying.  I knew that I would find her someday and just figured I’d wait till then.  Waiting wasn’t a bad thing.  Right?

Tree called from her cell phone to let us know that they were on their way.  Marg had a small mic and speaker set up behind the bar so that she could make announcements when neccesary.  Turning it on, she informed the party goers and everyone else in the bar of the plan to surprise Megan.  Apparently I was the only one who knew that Megan already knew about the party, so I kept my mouth shut and went along with the plan.

“Everyone hide somewhere and we’ll jump out when they come through,” someone shouted from the crowd. 

Marg nodded reluctantly.  For ten minutes about fifty women tried to find places to hide in the relatively small bar.  I swear they all looked like they were on an Easter Egg hunt or something, everyone vying for the few hiding areas. People were piled up in corners and under tables.  You could hear swearing as hands were stepped on and women were shoved in different directions.  I sat back and watched it all, laughing at the entire picture.

Finally Marg shook her head in frustration.  “Everyone come out and we’ll just shout surprise as they walk through.”  She turned off the mic and looked at me sitting at the bar.  “I swear, if we have everyone hidden they won’t be able to get back out once they do come in.”  She turned away from me, reaching for something.  “Goddamn lesbians,” I heard her mutter under her breath.

It wasn’t long before Tree came bursting through the door, holding it wide open as Megan came in behind her.

“SURPRISE!”  The entire bar yelled, almost in unison.  Of course, there had to be some individuals in the crowd. 

I could tell that Megan had worked on her surprise face.  A huge smile was on her face, her mouth opened as though she didn’t know what to say, her eyes wide in surprise.  Now, I knew this was a fake reaction, or I should say a practiced reaction.  When Megan is really surprised, her eyes grow small and her mouth moves like a fish trying to take in water.  Her face gets all blotchy and she usually yells. 

“What have you guys done?”  She exclaimed, her voice high in pitch. 

Joanne, Tree’s friend, was standing toward the front.  “Now, now, Tree really was the one who did this.”

Whirling around to look at Tree, we all watched as Megan planted a huge kiss on Tree’s lips.  You could feel the heat that grew between them as the kiss lingered.

Squeals and cat whistles were heard through out until finally Megan let go of her hold on Tree’s mouth and turned back around, her own mouth forming a huge smile.  “Don’t worry girls, she’ll get thanked in full later,” she said cattily, causing the women to cheer.

Moving forward everyone could see a stunned Tree sporting a deep scarlet blush.  “Wow,” was all she could say before Megan grabbed her by the hand and pulled her further in.

I watched at a corner of the bar as Megan was greeted by various friends, ex-girlfriends, and general bar patrons.  Everyone seemed to want to pass on their happy birthday’s and congratulations. 

“Is this seat taken?”  A vaguely familiar voice came from behind where I was sitting.  Turning around on my seat, I almost fell off when I saw who was standing in front of me. 

“Dav-!”  I practically yelled before he clamped a hand over my mouth.

“Shhhh.  It’s Alexandria tonight.”  He released his hold on my mouth and sat down next to me.

“This is a women’s only bar,” I whispered. 

“I know,” he whispered back.  “That’s why I’m in drag.”

And boy was he.  No pun intended.  He had on a dark wig that made his normal pale skin look almost luminescent.  His makeup was subtle, lightly highlighting his cheek and brow bones.  A plain black dress made up of a soft and gentle material hid his body from view, obscuring any kind of manly qualities and not over emphasizing anything either.

“How did you get in here?”  Genuinely curious, I wanted to know how he’d managed to fool all the women around him.

Pointing to his feet, he explained.  “No heels.”

“Huh?”

“Well, one of the ways a lot of people can tell a woman is really a man is size.  More angular bones, usually, but also we tend to put on heels.”  Shrugging, he flexed his foot which was housed in a plain black flat.  “Forego the heels and I look more…normal.”

Laughing lightly, I smiled at him.  “The next question will be why.”

He shrugged again, this time it was more exaggerated, both hands palm up.  I got wind of the party and purchased a very special gift for Megan which I just had to see her open in front of all these wonderful party goers.”

I got a warning pain in the bottom of my stomach.  “Dav- I mean, Alexandria, what have you done?”  This did not bode well. 

Looking innocent, he batted his eyes at me.  “I do declare, I have no idea to what you are referring!”  His southern accent needed work that’s for sure.

I knew that I wouldn’t get anything concrete out of him.  If David could do one thing that was unlike any other gay man I’ve ever known, it was that he could keep a secret.  Oh, he traded gossip just like any other drag queen, but if something was a secret, then he would keep his mouth shut. 

“Marg, darling,” David lifted his hand in the air, waving at the busy bartender.  “Could you bring me another?”  He held up his almost empty glass.  “And another of whatever Fox is drinking.”

Surprising me, Marg hustled over and graciously served the two drinks.  “Here you go sugar,” she said very sweetly to David as she handed him his drink.  “Here Fox,” she handed me mine, her tone more brusque.  Giving David a wink, she turned around again and I swear there was a little wiggle to her walk. 

“What have you done to her?”  I asked David incredulously.

“I think she has a crush on me,” he said, smirking.   

Amazing.  I hope that I wouldn’t be the one to tell Marg that she was a he. 

“Spook, there you are!”  A breathless Tree approached us both.  “Excuse us,” she said to David without recognizing him, and turned directly to me.  “Why are you hiding back here?  Megan’s been asking about you.”

“Oh, we’d better not keep the queen waiting!”  I started to get up and noticed that my legs were a little bit wobbly.  I’d only had…well, only a few drinks.  Then again, I haven’t had alcohol in so long. 

I followed Tree to where Megan was sitting on a throne of sorts, right in front of the presents.  She was talking animatedly to someone whose face I couldn’t see.  As I approached, my body had a strange reaction of recognition.  I knew this woman, but I couldn’t figure out who she was from behind. 

As I got closer, Megan looked up and spotted me.  “Hey Spooky!”  She waved me over excitedly.  “Look who’s here!”

The blonde turned around and I saw a face that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. 

“Annie,” I said dully, unable to find anything to be happy about.  I didn’t need this today.  Or ever for that matter.

“Hi Fox!”  She said warmly as she reached out to embrace me.  I moved back slightly and she got the hint that I didn’t want to be hugged.  She had enough grace to back away, a light blush scattering over her face.  “How have you been?”

I quickly saw the difference that Marge had spoken of.  Annie had always been slender, built like an athlete, lean and strong.  But now she was thin; too thin.  Her cheek bones even stuck out, and though she was wearing make up, I could see the dull look in her normally bright eyes.  I bit my cheek to prevent my immediate concern from being voiced.  I didn’t want to care.  I wasn’t going to care.  She wasn’t my responsibility anymore and the pain she’d left me with was enough to assure that I no longer needed to feel anything toward her. 

“Fine, thank you,” I said tightly.  My mother taught me manners and I wasn’t going to forsake them now.  “Happy birthday,” I said turning toward Megan.  “I’ll talk to you later.” Turning on my heel, I left quickly. 

I walked back to the bar and got myself another drink.  Then another.  The night was lost to the alcoholic haze.  I sat, slouched at the bar, ignoring everyone around me until I felt a firm hand on my arm.

Looking up, I could barely make out the face.  Madeline!  Standing up, I tried to throw my arms around her, but she spoke and I knew I had been dreaming.  It wasn’t Madeline standing before me.  It was Elaine. 

“You need to go home.  Why not come to mine?”  She said suggestively. 

My eyes had problems focusing on her.  I was still reeling from seeing Madeline’s face in front of me.  Madeline.  My Madeline.  I had no promises from her, no kind of sign that she was even interested in me, yet I was hers completely. 

Starring at the beautiful blonde, I felt myself grow cold, rather than hot from desire.  No, I was, in my heart, a taken woman.  I belonged to someone.  She might not realize it yet, or want to see it, but that’s all there is to it. 

Madeline.  My beautiful Madeline.  No one could compare to her beauty or her sensuality. 

“No,” I whispered to Elaine.  She started to bend over as if to kiss me.  I stood up quickly, not willing to even let another’s lips touch mine.  Even my lips belonged to Madeline. 

“Come on, I’ll give you anything you want Fox.”  Elaine continued to purr at me, getting closer and closer.  “You can’t tell me you don’t want me?”  She unbuttoned her blouse until her breasts were almost falling from behind the fabric.  I could see the lacy edge of her bra, and yet I felt nothing. 

“You can’t give me Madeline,” I said, a trace of sadness consuming me even as I said the words out loud. 

Cold sober, I realized that my life was incomplete.  Nothing could fill that emptiness that was Madeline’s.  She was the only filler for the hole inside of me.  I needed her to be complete and nothing else would due. 

Pushing away from the bar, I walked toward the door.  My feet were still having problems moving, but I knew that would be gone soon too.  The alcohol seemed to be sucked out of me as my brain began thinking again of life without happiness. 

I knew I’d wait for Megan until the day I died if I had to.  She was all I wanted.  All I needed.

Walking outside, I felt a soft cold wind hit my face, refreshing me.  Taking deep breaths, I opened my mouth and howled at the sky, filling my cry with my loneliness and need.  Maybe someone, somewhere would hear me and have pity on me. 

Maybe.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The crowd around me was so loud that I couldn’t even make out what was being said.  So many people talking, coming to my ears like a persistent humming.  Everyone around me was dressed in bright colors, blinding my eyes as well.  I was in black and white, as though someone had begun to colorize one of those old black and white movies and just hadn’t gotten to me yet. 

A familiar figure passed in front of me, catching my eye immediately.  Madeline was also a black and white figure, not colorized like the others.  Her eyes seemed to be searching and somehow I knew she was searching for me.

“Madaline!”  I tried to yell out, but even I couldn’t hear myself above the noise of those around us.  I began to move in her direction, but my feet were planted to the floor.  Someone must have put glue on the floor.  That was the only reason I could think of for not being able to move.

Waving my hands, I continued to yell out her name, hoping she’d see me and come to me.  She needed me.  We needed each other, in out black-and-whiteness we needed to cling to each other, keeping each other sane through the Technicolor madness that surrounded us.

I felt something pulling at the very core of my being, something drawing me back into myself, away from Madeline.  Helpless to stop it, I cried out one last time, my throat aching as I did, but a darkness consumed me and left me alone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I drifted awake, my throat throbbing and my head splitting.  Moaning, I felt sunlight fall over me, warming my face and increasing my hangover.  Oh God, why did I drink so much?  I knew that had to be the lament of most people after they get drunk and find themselves in pain, but I really meant it.  Why?

Then the memories, the desire to fill my bed, the lusting for Madeline and getting nothing came back.  Oh yeah, that was why.

The damn sun was too damn cheerful, making me want to find a way to create a permanent solar eclipse, clipping his happiness in the bud.  Oh yeah, the sun’s definitely a man the way it’s annoying me at the moment. 

Rolling over slowly, fighting the nausea, I looked at my clock.  It was well after noon, almost 1:30, in fact.  Thank God it was Saturday, I know I couldn’t have made it to work with my head pounding like that.  My mouth had that thick feeling, dry and disgusting. 

Putting on my robe, I stumble toward the bathroom.  Cold water helps me wake up and a good brushing makes my mouth feel a little more human. 

The night before had been a revelation to me.  I knew that I loved Madeline, but I hadn’t realized just how consuming that love was.  I couldn’t just forget about her, or wait for her to make up her mind about me.  I needed to pursue her, to convince her of her own need for me. 

This thought in my mind, I went downstairs in search of coffee.  David must have closed the drapes on the first floor when he came home because it was blissfully dark down there.  I slipped down the stairs and let the cool darkness envelope me.  At the bottom, I rest a minute, allowing the temperature difference soak my skin, feeling my headache subside slightly. 

The stairs end in the front hallway.  Off to the left is the living room and behind that the kitchen.  At the bottom of the stairs I headed left, having to pass by the entrance to the living room to reach my destination and snag my coffee. 

I heard a soft snore first, then a louder one followed.  I stopped where I stood, and listened.  I knew that snore.  I have heard it more times than I can count.  Turning toward the living room, I focus on the darkness there.

Figures of different shapes and sizes littered the living room.  The chairs were taken, the couch had at least three occupants, and the floor seemed to be covered as well.

What the hell had happened here?

Quietly going in, I listened for the snore again.  A few moments pass before I hear it again, even louder than before.  Finding the source, I bend down and peer into Megan’s face.  She’s one of the occupants on the couch.  Laying on top of Tree, their bodies are wrapped around each other, and in the dark it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.  For a brief moment I basked in the beauty of it.  But then Megan snored again, and the moment was broken.

“RISE AND SHINE YA’LL, RISE AND SHINE!” 

Quickly covering my ears with my hands, I can feel the blood rushing through my head as my headache comes back with a vengeance.  Turning around I found David standing behind me, a huge smile on his face. 

“David,” I begin, my teeth clenched.  “If you EVER do that again, I promise that I will steal all of your wigs and dresses and burn them!”

“Touchy, touchy!”  He sniffed at me. 

All around us people were stirring.  Well, I should say women were stirring.  It seemed as though David had brought home the entire bar.

Attempting civility, I addressed David.  “What happened?”

Shrugging, David answered as he stood in the middle of the chaos.  “Megan and I decided that it would be prudent to continue the party here after the bar closed.”

“And I slept through that?” 

“Honestly, I wasn’t even sure you were here till I saw you this morning.  I recall seeing you get pretty friendly with someone at the bar,” he winked at me and I felt my anger rise to an unreasonable manner.

Breathe Fox, breathe, I told myself.  My misplaced anger would only make my headache worse if I allowed it to explode.

“Hey Spooky,” Megan came up behind me, still a little wobbly on her feet.  Falling against me, she hugged me with one arm, a smile plastered on her face. 

“Hey M, how was your birthday celebration?”

“Oh woooonderful!”  She waved a hand carelessly through the air, almost hitting someone walking by in the process.  A funny looked crossed over Megan’s face and she started to look around the room frantically.

“Meg, what is it?”  I asked carefully.

“Spook, you might want to check and see how many cats you have around this morning.”

“Why?”

She opened and shut her mouth, clicking her tongue against the back of her teeth.  “Cause it feels like I might have eaten one last night?”  Her eyes came together and she began to turn a light green color.

“TREE!  You’d better get over here!  QUICK!”  I yelled behind me, knowing that Megan was about to lose whatever she did eat last night and I was in no mood to play head holder. 

Tree dutifully came up behind Megan, swept her into her arms, and carried her off into the bathroom. 

“Wow!  Wasn’t that romantic?”  David asked, his eyes shinning and a wistful smile on his face. 

“Oh yeah, so romantic to have your girlfriend stand over you as you pray to the porcelain god!”

“Who’s praying?”  A voice mumbled from behind us, a voice from my past that I’d tried to forget.  Annie stumbled over to us, her blonde hair messy around her face and her eyes red from the night before.

“No one,” I muttered.  Trying to escape, I turned to go back up the stairs. 

“Wait!”  Annie grabbed my arm tightly, holding me back.  I turned and looked into her blue eyes, seeing something unfamiliar there.  “Please?  I really need to talk to you.”

Escape seemed impossible.  I noticed that David had silently slunk away and was attending to shooing people out of the house.  “I don’t want to talk to you,” I said cruelly without realizing it.  I had to consciously soften my voice a little as I continued.  “We don’t have anything left to say to each other.”

Turning on my heel, I headed back up the stairs, forgetting my mission of coffee, or that my best friend was puking in the bathroom.  I trudged up the three flights and made my way to my bedroom.  Closing the drapes, I drank in the cool darkness that now surrounded me.  Stripping off my clothes, I got under the covers and fell back asleep.  Fuck them all.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On Monday my headache was better, but I still felt some of the effects of the alcohol on my brain.  One of the problems when I drink is that it takes so long for it to get out my system.

Toward the end of the day I was definitely ready to go home and crawl back into bed.  I had had three meetings with different potential clients, all of them giving me their vision of the future.  I had to right out tell one of them that dogs in space suits was old and not the vision he thought it was.  I don’t think they’ll be coming back, but I refuse to get to spacey, pardon the pun, with the designs.

Maria’s head suddenly appeared within the doorway of my office, startling me slightly and disconcerting my hazing mind.  “Fox, there’s a call for you on line three.”  Then she was gone again.

I had to shake my head and wonder if I had just really seen Maria of if it had been some kind of mirage.  Deciding that I had seen her, simply because it would be too complicated to assume I hadn’t, I decided that it had been very odd for her to do that.

Normally, Maria would have just buzzed into my office to tell me about the phone call.  And she would have told me who was calling.  Never had she not done that.  Very odd.

Curiosity won out as I picked up the handset of the phone and brought it to my ear.  “Fox Owens,” I said coolly, my voice not revealing the sudden trepidation that I felt.

“Hi,”  a shy voice spoke into my ear, a voice I now would know anywhere.

“Hi Madeline,” I could hear the smile in my own voice.  Instantly, my body felt more relaxed and I actually leaned back in my chair.  “I’m glad you called.”

A sigh responded on the other end of the telephone.  My heart reacted, feeling the pain that was coming from her.

“Sorry it took me a few days,” she hesitated before continuing.  “I had to bide my time.”

I realized that there was more here than what she was telling me.  There was something else that wasn’t being said, and a part of me wanted to reach out and comfort her and another part didn’t want to know.  “Do you want to talk about it?”  My voice showed that I was tentative, but I’m sure she thought it was because I didn’t want to push her.  Actually, it was because I knew it had to do with her husband, a facet of her life that I didn’t want to deal with yet, if at all.

Despite the phone lines, I knew that she was internally debating whether or not to take me up on my offer.  Finally, she gave in.

“Fox, I know you don’t know much about me.”  She began.

I nodded my head slowly before I realized that she couldn’t see me.

“My husband is Monte Sullivan.” 

And the bomb dropped. 

Monte.  He was a partner here, at the firm that I worked for, at the firm I’d been with for so long.  I hardly knew the man.  He was more interested in his golf game than in rubbing elbows with me, but that wasn’t the point here.

“Madeline Sullivan?”  Disbelief filled me, my body felt washed voice of feeling.

“Yes,” her voice was even quieter, as though she was ashamed of her answer.

Holy shit!  I was in love with Monte Sullivan’s wife!

“Are you sure?”  Was the only thing I could think of to ask.

A lifeless chuckle was her response.  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.”

“I guess you would be,” I mumbled, mainly to myself.  “That’s why you were at the Astoria party?”  I was slowly putting two and two together.  I thought back to the day that I had first seen Madeline and I realized that the man whose back I’d been starring at could have definitely been Monte. 

“Yes.”  She paused, the silence between us killing me.  “Fox, something happened to me at the party.  Something happened to me when I met you.  I don’t know what it is Fox, I don’t know what to do about it.”  Her voice choked back a sob and I felt my heart tearing at its foundation.

How could I help her?  How could I help her understand without making her feel like I was forcing something on her?  How could I explain that I wanted to take her in my arms and run away with her, never letting her go and never letting anything touch her but me?

“Madeline, my sweet Madeline,” I whispered softly.  She heard me because her breath quickened and I could feel my own pulse race in time with hers.

“What is it Fox?  What have you done to me?”  She didn’t say this cruelly, but rather in a sweet lament that tore me to pieces, leaving me unsure of how I would ever pick up them all up and put it back together.  “I feel like there’s been a spell put over me since I met you, taking a hold of me and pulling me along, helpless to fight.”

“Like a rag doll caught in the tide,” I said quietly, understanding perfectly what she was saying. 

“You feel it too?”  Not sounding too surprised, she was finally seeing what I had known and felt all along.  A sigh fell from her, hitting me hard.  “Of course you do.  That’s why you kissed me, you felt what I’m feeling.”

“I…I don’t know what to say Madeline.”  I felt helpless, I didn’t know what to say and what not to say.  “I love you,” it came from my mouth before I even realized it and before I could think about it.  Shit, how could I do that?  I was setting myself up for something I couldn’t ever recover from.

She didn’t reply.  Her silence said more to me than her words could have and I felt body slowly reacting. 

“You don’t know me,” Madeline finally said quietly.

I was already neck deep in this, time to be completely honest.  “Yes, I do.  I knew you the first day I saw you.”

“I need to go.  I need time…time to think.  I don’t…I don’t know Fox.  My world seems to be collapsing.  I need time,” and she hung up. 

I sat there, holding the receiver to my ear for a long time before I found the strength to put it down.  Her world may have been collapsing, but mine was dying. 

Putting my head on my desk, I did something I hadn’t done in a very long time.  I cried until I couldn’t feel anything any more.  “Please, come to me Madeline.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Diane, Vice President of Advertising, had given me the invitation to her wedding, I wasn’t surprised.  Diane had been working at the firm for almost 15 years and our departments had good relations, which was a blessing considering that we had to work together a lot.  She was finally marrying the man she’d been with for over 10 years and everyone who knew her was extremely happy for her.  Well liked with a kind heart, Diane was someone who ended up having people coming into her office for heart-to-heart talks about office politics.  She had a fair hand and dealt with everyone equally, earning her respect among both management and the peons.

Her wedding was on a Saturday, of course, at a church that wasn’t far from where I lived.  A date was included in my invitation, but of course, I went without.  Megan and Tree had been invited, but they couldn’t go cause Megan had some kind of problem with the church aspect, insisting that all marriages should take place in a central location that didn’t involve churches.  I don’t pretend to understand everything about Megan, but I love her, so I accept her quirks and oddities. 

I was always taught that you wore something light and airy to weddings, and heavy and dark to funerals.  So, going through my wardrobe I realized that I didn’t have much that wasn’t heavy and dark.  Digging deep, I found a cream-colored pantsuit that I felt was appropriate enough.   With a light blue shell under the jacket, I felt like I looked light and airy enough for the occasion. 

Now came the hard part; Footwear.  Looking in my closet I realized my choices were more limited than I thought.  Sneakers or tennis shoes were definitely inappropriate, so that left heels or flats, most of which were in black.  I saw a patch of something cream colored, so I began to dig, finally pulling out a slightly battered pair of cream colored pumps. 

Finally dressed, I went to do my hair, adding a little makeup to my eyes.  Critically starring at myself in the mirror, I saw the small lines around my eyes and mouth, tell-tale signals that my age wasn’t what it used to be.  When was the last time I’d really noticed?  It had been awhile.  I was never particularly vain, so long as my hair was in order and my clothes on straight, I considered myself presentable.  I took the time to look at myself very carefully.  I wasn’t bad looking, I surmised.  My brown hair had a few lighter areas running through, having spent so much time in the sun playing softball.  I had dark, almost what you would call olive skin, which I had learned many women found attractive.  I gave myself a rakish grin in the mirror at that thought.  Yes, I’d gotten more than a few compliments on my skin coloring.

I ran a finger over my nose, the bump across the bridge not having diminished with time.  When I was about 6 years old, my mother had taken me to the doctor to find out if I should have some kind of surgery on my nose because of the slight bump that had formed there.  He’d said no, that I would grow out of it eventually.  Well, he was wrong.  But, the bump gave my ordinary nose some character. 

My eyes were average size, and I’d always thought they’d been average color until Madeline told me otherwise. You have such beautiful eyes, Fox, was what she had said to me. You have dark green specks that break up the brown, creating something unique. Her voice haunted me.  Yeah, I like my eyes right about now.  Brown with green specks, definitely good to me.  I had started to have my eyebrows shaped when I went to get my hair cut.  It was just easier that way and I thought it fit my position.  So, they were nicely shaped and evened. 

I had once had someone describe my mouth as pouty.  But, I think she was just in lust, so said anything that sounded romantic.  And, it worked, I slept with her that night.  Funny how something like lips can cause you to loose all decorum.  I thought immediately of Madeline’s lips and changed my query completely!  Lips can definitely be the cause of crazy, mad, and passion filled moments. 

Shaking my head, I ran my fingers through my hair one last time before straightening out my clothing.  I sprayed perfume over myself, allowing the cloud of smell to settle and then it was time to go.

I felt pretty confident as I walked into the church, saying hi to some of the other guests I knew from work.  It looked like Diane had sent out invitations to everyone at the firm, which was very like her.  Diplomatic till the end.  I was handed a wedding program as I walked through the doors, giving the usher a gracious smile.  My, I was in a find mood.  How often do I smile at complete strangers who give me useless pieces of paper that will some day pollute a garbage dump somewhere because no one recycled it?  Not often! 

Where to sit at occasions like this was always a dilemma for me.  I’m a front or back kind of girl, not middle.  I either wanted to be as close as possible to the action, or the extreme opposite.  Weddings for someone you know casually at work were difficult to judge.  Obviously, I couldn’t sit in front.  No, I could clearly see the bride and groom’s family occupying those seats.  Going over and trying to squeeze in was not a good move.  So, the front was out.  That left the back.  Now, normally, this would be a viable option.  Expect the back today was already filled as well, with other fellow employees who had obviously suffered the same problem as I was faced with.  Sigh.  That left the middle.  I would be closed in, no chance of escape.  Well, at least I could try to sit on an end. 

I made my way to a pew almost half way, and sat down on the end.  Looking at my watch, I realized that I still had a good fifteen minutes before the service would begin.  Hating to have time on my hands, I sighed again.  I should have brought a book.  Was it rude to read a book while waiting for a wedding to begin?  I’d have to check out Emily Post to find out about that one.  With nothing else to do, I opened my useless program and began to read it. 

So completely engrossed in my program, I didn’t notice the whispering that started in my row until it grew obnoxiously loud.  I looked over and saw a few of my fellow employees whispering and pointing subtly toward the back of the sanctuary.  Turning my head out of curiosity, I felt my eyes go wide and my stomach drop when I saw what they were starring at. 

Monte was coming through the door, a loud, annoying smile on his face.  Of course he’d get an invitation to the wedding, everyone did.  And, walking in next to him, but slightly behind him was Madeline.   All my confidence and good mood flew out the window replaced by a stressed anxiety.  Why me?  Why today? 

Madeline hadn’t seen me, and the way she was walking with her head low, I wondered if she ever would.  I could try to sneak out of the pew and out of the church all together, but I wasn’t going to stoop to childish games. 

Just as I got myself together again, her sweet head lifted and blue eyes began to scan the crowded sanctuary.  It only took seconds before her eyes zeroed in on me.  Surprise and…something else, something new, flashed through her eyes before she looked away.  My body felt suddenly empty, without emotion, like her glance had taken it all from me. 

Monte led her over to a seat a few rows ahead of me.  As the service began, I didn’t notice all the usual wedding stuff, like the bride or the groom.  No, my focus was on someone who had, without my permission, stolen my heart.  My heart.  That made me want to laugh.  It was hurting just seeing her and not being able to be with her.  An ache formed in my chest, and with each beat my heart made, it echoed painfully. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Fox, are you going to the reception?” Jeff, a fellow graphics department guru stopped me in the church vestibule after the ceremony.  The reception was at a restaurant/bar that was close by.  Everyone was invited to stop by, nothing formal, just drinking and dancing with finger food. 

“I don’t know yet,” I answered honestly.  Originally, I had planned on going, maybe even doing some dancing and letting off some steam.  Now, however, my mood was sullied and I wasn’t sure I would do anyone any good if I went.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw Monte, the asshole, with his hand on Madeline’s elbow, guiding her through the crowd toward the door.  Was she going to be there?  A sudden urge to be there, for her to see me and for me to see her, flamed inside of me.  “On second thought Jeff, I’m going to be there.”

“Great! A bunch of us are driving over together, you want to come?” 

“Nah, I’ll drive myself, I’m not sure how long I’m going to want to stay.”  Basically, if she were there, I’d stay till she left.  If not, I’d go after a few minutes.   

I lingered at the church for a little bit, figuring that by the time I left I had given Monte and Madeline enough time to get there ahead of me.  I sat in my car in the parking lot of the restaurant/bar, breathing in and out, trying to figure out exactly what I thought I was doing. 

Hadn’t I turned to masochism, wanting to punish myself by seeing the woman I loved with that ogre?  Did I want to go and pretend to be the life of the party, wanting Madeline to see what she could have if she wanted?  Did I want to observe her in this setting, to see what kind of woman I loved? 

All very valid possibilities, but which one was the real reason? 

Finally, I came to the conclusion with a heavy sigh.  I felt pitiful and sorry for myself.  I wanted to go, and I hoped that she was there, because I wanted to be near her.  I just wanted to breath the same air that she was breathing, to be able to look over and see her there, even if she wasn’t with me. 

And it hurt.  It hurt knowing that I was so in love, so desperate, that I would put myself through the agony I knew I was about to go through.  I needed to see her though. 

Finally, my heart filled with self-pity, I got out of the car and trudged into the reception.  A large, private room had been converted with flowers and streamers into a festive sight, a band taking up one end of the room and tables scattered through out.  I sought out where the alcohol was being served first, ordering a fluted glass of Chablis.  The chilled wine felt good on my throat, which I had suddenly realized was dry.  However, chugging wine was not something I was good at, so I sipped it carefully while my eyes took in the rest of the crowd. 

As I thought, Monte and Madeline had already arrived.  He was standing with a crowd of other men around him, his arms waving wildly as he spoke.  The men around him all broke out in obnoxiously loud laughter at something that he had said.  Scanning those around him, I realized that Madeline wasn’t there.  I continued to search for her, not seeing her anywhere.

“Looking for someone in particular, Fox?”  The voice came from behind me and I recognized it right away.

“No, I lost my date in the crowd,” I said without turning around.  What kind of game did I think I was playing?  I felt bad immediately following my acerbic comment.  Turning around, I gave Madeline an apologetic grin.  “I think you know who I was looking for.”

She smiled briefly, before looking at the glass in her hand.  A pinkish colored liquid filled her glass, suiting her perfectly.  “I should have known that there was a possibility of you being here, but I wasn’t really thinking.” 

“That’s okay, I try not to think too much myself.”  What was with my commentary here?  Was I going for the heartsick comedienne of the month award? 

“Or maybe I knew you were going to be here and that made me want to come all the more.”  Softness consumed her eyes, giving them a dreamy quality that I lost myself in as I starred into them. 

A light conversation suddenly turned serious.  My heart started to thud at the bottom of my throat, pushing and prodding me to spill it out, hoping that Madeline’s heart would respond in kind.  Fortunately, my brain stopped it and shooed it back into place, leaving only the ghostly feeling in my throat where my heart had once been. 

I didn’t know what to say to that.  Did she want me to probe that loaded statement, or did she want me to continue with the lighthearted conversation?  Instead, I went for the old standby.

I looked at her critically for a moment, taking in the silky, flowered dress she was wearing.  Large flowers covered the fabric in colors of cream and maroon, scattered across a black background.  Of course, that threw my whole theory of black for funerals only out the window.  Part of her hair on either side of her head was pulled back and held by a dark barrette, leaving the rest of her hair flowing down her shoulders.  A bit of makeup had been applied to her face, but didn’t hide her smattering of freckles.   The dress came down almost to the floor, stopping in time to show small, slim ankles that made me feel big just looking at them. 

“You look beautiful Madeline.”  I was in awe of her beauty, unable to stop the rush of adrenaline that flowed as I took in the grace that was just…her.  There as nothing I wanted more at that moment then to take her hand in mine and led her away so that I could worship her in private.  And while my attraction definitely had sexual overtones, at this particular moment, it was purely aesthetic. 

I looked down at my drink before she replied, unable to hold her penetrating gaze any longer.  “As do you,” was the unexpected reply.  I looked up and saw the undisguised admiration in her eyes and I swear my mouth dropped open in surprise. 

“Th..thank you,” I stuttered lightly, still looking into her eyes which had taken on yet another new quality.  The warmth infused my soul, adding fuel to the fire love had created in my body, spreading to every available portion on me, until I swear I could have lit a candle with my toe. 

“Well, who do we have here?”  A third voice, also familiar to me, jarred my attention and I turned quickly, hoping I was wrong.  I wasn’t.  Annie was standing there, her eyes sparkling in amusement.  She glanced first at me, her eyes slowly taking in my entire body. “My dear Fox, and…” she let the sentence hang, as though she were waiting for an introduction.  I wasn’t about to make that introduction, afraid of what my eyes and voice would reveal.  Giving me a smirk, she turned her head to scrutinize Madeline. 

“Madeline Sullivan,” Madeline said smoothly, holding out a hand to Annie.  I wanted to scream, but I could only stand there helpless as Annie grasped her hand and shook it slowly, almost tenderly. 

“Monte’s wife?”  Annie gave a soft, yet rough laugh.  “And here I thought you were Fox’s date.  I was ready to give you a run for your money!”  More laughter followed.

A brief narrowing of Madeline’s eyes was on the only reaction to these words and I was sure that I was the only one who saw it. 

“Why are you here Annie?  I didn’t see you at the service.”  Carefully I tried to control my tone of voice, not wanting to reveal to Annie the anger I was feeling.  Giving her the upper hand right now was not a move I wanted to make. 

Both Annie and Madeline gave me incredulous looks.  “What?”  I asked defensively, not liking them teaming up against me.

“Fox, I was a bride’s maid.”  This time her smirk was wider and more condescending.  “Didn’t you pay any attention to the ceremony?”

Oh shit.  Now that I looked at Annie I could see the dark maroon dress she wore which matched the colors of Diane’s wedding scheme.  Indeed, it was a typically ugly wedding dress, and it seemed to not fit her well.  Almost as though she’d been heavier when she’d been measured for the dress.  I had been too busy watching Madeline to notice that my former lover had been in the wedding.  Minus 20 billion points for Fox!

“Sorry, I wasn’t paying any attention.”  I said it callously, hoping that Annie would just leave us alone.

Instead, anger seemed to flame through Annie’s eyes and she stood straighter.  “I see.”  Her voice was cold and empty, but her eyes still shone with her tightly reigned anger.   

“Madeline!”  Monte’s voice yelled over the buzz of the growing crowd.  Madeline and I both turned and saw him waving his arm at her to come over. 

“Annie, it was…nice meeting you,” she said politely to my former lover.  Then she turned to me, her eyes softening.  “Fox, I’ll see you later,” and with that she was gone, back to her husband.

I wanted to yell and shout at her retreating figure, to tell her that going back to her husband was the coward’s way out.  How could she ignore what was happening between us?  How could she pretend? 

My look of disgust was aimed directly at Monte.  How dare he think himself worthy of sharing a bed with her? 

“My, my…if I didn’t know any better I’d say Fox was a little ticked.”  Annie’s voice cut through my anger, giving me a new place to direct it.

“What is it that you want from me Annie?”  I asked, turning around and giving her my ‘don’t fuck with me’ stare.

“Me?”  Was her innocent reply.  I swear, she batted her eyes at me too and I expected her hand to weakly come to her chest in mock surprise.  “Why Fox, whatever makes you think that I want anything from you?”

“Cut the shit, Annie.  You obviously want something, so let’s hear it.”

“Now you want to talk.  I thought you said we had nothing left to say to one another?” 

Games.  Hate them.  Don’t play them.  Nope, not gonna do it.  “If that’s how you’re going to be Annie, then I’m wasting my time.”  I turned, but she put her hand on my arm, her grip tight and insistent.  A quick movement on her part and her body was pressed up against me. 

“Fox,” she purred, her breath hot against my ear.  I willed my body not to react to the familiarity of her purr, her demand.  Too many years of wanting to hear that voice, too many years of desire and hope were working against me.

“I want you.  Simple as that.  You.”  Her husky voice continued into my ear, sending chills down my spine.  “We were good together.”

Were.  “Why did you leave then?” 

Her hand let go of me and I no longer felt her body pressed into me.  I turned and searched her face for answers.  Behind her make up she looked tired.  I can’t remember ever having seen that kind of weariness in her face. 

“What difference does it make?  Really Fox?  I’m here now.  I want you now.  Can you honestly say that you don’t want me?”  She gave me a slow, sexy smile and I almost caved.

Think Fox, think.  I looked at her carefully and saw someone I’d once known.  The desire for her wasn’t there anymore.  No, I’d been more in love with the memory of Annie than I’d ever been in Annie herself.  I didn’t want her anymore.  Unconsciously, my eyes traveled to where Madeline stood by Monte’s side.  Was she an impossible dream?  Should I give up that dream for something that was familiar, not necessarily safe?  “I’m sorry Annie, I don’t want to be with you anymore.”  It was simple.  A life without Madeline didn’t mean a life with someone else.  It just meant emptiness that nothing could fill.  Certainly not Annie.

I saw Annie’s vision follow mine when I’d looked at Madeline.  Now, as she looked at me, the impact of my statement hitting her, a sinister, dark look shadowed her face.  “She’ll never be yours.  I know Monte better than you.  You will never have her.”  Her voice was harsh and filled with anger. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Annie.”  I said calmly, not willing to let her have any advantage on me.  “But, I do know that you are not what I want.  And you never will be.”

With that, I finally turned and walked away without Annie trying to hold me back.   I headed toward the other side of the room, wanting to put some space between us before I looked around for Madeline again.

The bride and the groom were dancing solo on the floor cleared for that activity, their eyes focused only on each other.  He was giving Diane such a look of devotion that I almost felt tears in my eyes. 

Damn, everything is making me emotional these days, I thought.  Since Madeline had come into my view, everything had flipped and turned upside down. 

“Okay, now it’s time for everyone to dance.  So, grab your partner and come on out.”  A voice came over the loud speakers, and I assumed it was the DJ.  My eyes finally found Madeline, when Monte grabbed her hand and pulled her to the floor. 

Intermixed with at least a dozen other dancing couples, they would have blended in and been unnoticeable if it weren’t for the fact that my eyes were trained on them.  He put his arm around her waist, holding her tightly to him.  Her arm went around his neck, loosely, but with familiarity.  Flares of green went soaring through my body, setting off chain reactions throughout.  How could she dance with someone else?  Didn’t she know she belonged to me? 

It felt as though the room was getting smaller and I was in the center of it.  The walls were closing in, moving by leaps and bounds, getting closer and closer to me. My heartbeat sped up, getting faster and faster until I could feel it pulsating in rapid succession through my body.  Breathing became difficult and I knew that if I didn’t move I would pass out right where I was. 

 I headed toward the door, wanting to escape, to get out of there.  Needing to save my own sanity before it was called away. 

“Game, tomorrow.”  Jeff called at me as I passed him. 

“I’ll be there,” I said and then left.

I gulped in the fresh air of the outside, despite the warmth.  Opening my car door, I got in and turned the car on, air conditioning on high.  And then I just sat there, willing my blood to slow and stop pounding throughout my body.  My head was spinning and I had to concentrate on controlling my breathing.  The air hit my face in full force, giving me blessed relief from the sweat that had broken out on my forehead. 

Feeling drained and emotional, I put my head on my steering wheel and cried silently.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Our firm’s softball team was the pride and joy of the company.  Well, outside our clients, of course.  I had been playing on the team for as many years as I’d been working there.  My skills on first base were undisputed and I enjoyed playing with my co-workers. It didn’t matter whether or not I liked all of them, we played as a team and the results showed this at the end of the year when we came home with the first place trophy.

In the past two years, Tree had played on the team.  Now, this was, in some part, my doing.  Tree was the best pitcher I’d ever seen and had an arm that never stopped.  Since she and Megan were both subcontractors for the firm, it was agreed that they could play if they wanted.  Megan, of course, didn’t want to play.  She’d rather be a cheerleader in the crowd, watching her woman and best friend team up to win. 

Our first game came soon after my last phone call with Madeline.  I had wanted to not go on, to just give up and hide somewhere in the dark.  But, Megan wouldn’t let me.  As much as I hated it, and as much as I didn’t want to be cheered up, I was so very grateful for her attempts. 

I was warming up the infield, my attention completely on the game ahead of us.  That was the one thing about softball.  I could loose myself completely in the game.   I was focused and ready to play the best I could, which was pretty damn good if you asked me.  I enjoyed the physical activity, the sound of the ball hitting the bats, the smell of the leather gloves. 

A gentle breeze lifted some of the warmth off the field, giving us a bit of relief.  It was only May, but the heat was already building, revealing that it was going to be a long, hot summer.  My in fielders were in a good mood, all of them wanting to be playing, moving well to stop the ball.  Their throws could have been more accurate, but I wasn’t going to complain.  I was pretty good at jumping for them.  They’d get better after they’d warmed up a bit. 

Sam, my second baseman, let out a low whistle, catching my attention.  “What?”  I asked even as I threw a grounder to Lorenz on third base. 

“You won’t believe who’s here and in uniform,” he said, his eyes still on someone behind me.

I watched as Lorenz stopped the ball and easily swept it up and threw it directly to me.  “Great throw, Lorenz!”  I yelled before turning around to see what Sam was gawking at.

Behind me, in the company’s jersey, was Monte Sullivan.  He was stretching out by our bench, obviously expecting to play.  It was clear that the field was full, all nine players were already in position. 

“Where the hell does he expect to go?”  Sam echoed my own question, clearly not amused. 

“Look, Jeff’s headed toward him,” I pointed to our coach who was jogging toward Monte, his face blank of emotion. 

We all watched as Jeff shook Monte’s hand and they began to talk.  Monte would say something and Jeff would stand there quietly for a minute before shaking his head.  Finally, Jeff turned toward the infielders.  “Alex, come here for a minute, will ya?”

All eyes were on Alex as his face hardened and he ran off the field. 

“Shit,” I said slamming my glove against the ground before kneeling to retie the laces on my cleats.  Monte jogged onto the field, a fake smile distorting his face.  Just what I needed.  I did not want Monte on my field and I did not want to have to play nicely with him.  My stomach was turning fast and I thought I was going to throw up, I was so angry. 

It’s softball.  I can do this.  I repeated this mantra over and over, trying hard to concentrate on the upcoming game.  I threw the ball to Sam and he threw it back, repeating the motion with Monte.  His throw back to me was on target, surprising me greatly.

“All balls off the field!”  The umpire yelled loudly and balls went bouncing off toward the benches.  “Play ball!”  He followed up, bringing his mask down over his face. 

The first half of the inning went well.  We didn’t let any of the runners score, but there was a close play when Monte fumbled a ball that needed to head to third.  Luckily, Jackie from center field came up and stopped it before it went too far, delivering the ball to third in time to make the out. 

Alex had been first on the batting line up, but since Monte had taken his place on the field, he was up first.  As he was swinging the bat around, waiting for the pitcher to be warmed up, he looked up into the stands and shaded his eyes with his hand.  “Lin!”  He yelled into the crowd.

I got a sinking feeling as I turned to watch who he was calling to.  Sure enough, Madeline stood up from her place on the bleachers and headed toward where Monte was standing.

Shit, I’m going to be sick, I thought to myself.  I could not watch this, and yet I couldn’t take my eyes off it. 

“Did you bring my water, babe?”  Monte asked even as he snaked an arm around Madeline’s waist and pulled her tight against him.  The look on her face indicated that she was not comfortable with this, but she didn’t fight back. 

“It’s by the bench,” she said quietly, pointing to a bottle sitting just under the bench. 

“Thanks,” Monte leered at her and as she walked away, he gave her a hard slap on the rear end. 

The moment was short, but in my mind time slowed down to a crawl as I watched.  Slowly, anger boiled inside of me, rising from my feet to my head in almost motionless waves of fury.

I watched Madeline climb back to her seat in the bleachers, my eyes unable to leave her form.  As she sat down, her mouth was in a tight smile, her eyes cloudy.

I’ve heard is said that jealousy brings out the worst in people.  Now, this is probably true in most, the blinding emotion keeping them from rational thought.  For me, however, I decided that I was going to play the best game I could for Madeline.

“Fox!”  Jeff called, roster in hand.  “You’re on bat!”  Startled, I saw Jackie already at home plate, shuffling her cleats through the loose dirt before stepping into the batter’s box.

Grabbing a helmet, I started sorting through the bats lining the fence before finding the one I’d brought.  Placing my hands over the carefully wrapped tape, I began warming up, keeping an eye on Jackie.

After clipping two pitches, Jackie finally hit the ball squarely, sending it toward left field.  She made it to first and an overthrow to the first baseman gave her an extra base.

My turn.  Stepping up to the plate, I took a glance into the stands before settling into my position.  The first pitch was too high and outside.

“Ah, you coulda hit that,” the catcher said as she threw the ball back to the mound.

Not responding with anything more than a grunt, I kept my focus on the softball in the pitcher’s hands.  The second pitch he threw was perfect.  In my mind, I saw it float toward me, my eyes focused as my bat connected, sending the ball careening over the short stop’s head.

Not looking to see if it was stopped, I ran hard, relying on the first base coach to guide me.

“Go!  Go!  Go!”  I heard Tree shouting as I rounded first, so I push toward second.  “Stay!  Stay!”  was shouted this time so I managed to stop on the base.  Even as I was balancing on the bag, I saw Jackie score our first run.

“Nice one Spook!” I heard Megan shout from the stands.  Looking in the direction of her usual seat, I was surprised to see she wasn’t there.  Searching the stands I almost fell off the base when I saw her sitting next to Madeline.  They both waved at me, but all I could do was shake my head at them as I turned to watch the next batter.

The next three batters got us three outs.  I jogged from second base to the bench, grabbing my glove and headed back out.

“Almost a nice hit, Foxy,” an annoyingly now familiar voice sneered at me. 

Turning slowly, I glared at him; sure he could feel the ice despite my fake smile.  “I’m sure you mean that as a compliment, Montel.”  I got closer to him; feeling the anger, but not letting it control me.  It was just beneath the surface and radiating around both of us in whirls of emotion. 

His sneer wavered a little bit, but he kept it in place.  “Think what you want, Foxy.”

Oh, he wanted to play, did he?  Let’s take it to the field, I thought to myself.  Visibly ignoring his jibe, I jogged to first base and threw the ball to the other infielders.  Inside, however, I was seething.  How dare he come onto my field and bring his asinine act into my game?

“Come on Tree!”  I shouted to our pitcher.  There was no way I would let Monte ruin my game.  Nope, not going to happen.  My mantra was repeated over and over.  It was my game and he wasn’t going to stop it. 

The second inning proved to be more difficult as the other team seemed to find their batting niche.  They seemed to have rallied between innings, because they began to give us a real challenge. 

Finally, during the second inning I broke out into a sweat.  Now, there are only two times I enjoy sweat; when making love and when playing softball. 

Monte had a lucky break during the second inning.  A line drive was directed at him and he snatched it out of the air with ease.

In the back of my mind I was thinking about Megan and Madeline sitting together in the stands.  But I wouldn’t let that deter my game. Nope, didn’t need to throw me off.

So, why did my eyes keep wandering to the stands?

In the top of the third inning, Monte received a grounder which he stopped and threw it to me.  I was on the bag, one eye on the runner, the other on Monte and the ball.  I caught the familiar sneer on his face as he lobbed the ball at me.  I could tell as it left his hand that it was going to be over my head.

“Sam!”  I yelled, thinking quickly.  “Take the base!’  I immediately began moving backward, positioning myself under the ball.  Grabbing it, I threw it underhanded to Sam, who had dutifully taken first base just as the runner hit the bag.

“OUT!”  The infield ump shouted.

The crowd went crazy, out side cheering, the other side protesting the call.

The players on the field were yelling their appreciation in our direction, all but Monte who glared at me openly.  I was tempted to stick my tongue out at him, but decided that immature displays of triumph were unnecessary.  But damn, it would have been fun.

Three more innings passed, both teams vying for a lead.  The amount of water I was drinking finally caught up to me, so during my first opportunity, I ran for the women’s room.

Coming out of the stall, the sound of my cleats resounding through the small facility, I was surprised to find Madeline standing there.

“How’d you-“ 

“Megan told me you’d need to use the restroom at some point, so I kept my eyes on you.”  She interrupted my question, her face blushing sweetly at her admission.  “This all,” her hands waved through the air, “is very…”

“Strange,” I said.

“Yes.”

We stood there, about a food from each other.  I nervously began shuffling my feet.

A cheer from outside the bathroom reminded me of the game.  “Listen, I need to get back out there.”

Smiling, she reached out and tentatively brushed a hand against my cheek.  “I understand.  They need their star player.”

My turn to blush, ducking my head bashfully.  I didn’t see her lean in and place her lips on mine.  Then she was gone, leaving me to wonder if she’d actually been there.

“Whoa,” I muttered before heading back to the field.  Any doubts about Madeline’s presence in the bathroom was erased when I looked into the stands and our eyes met.  A unique look came over her and her mouth lifted in the most wondrous smile I’d ever seen.  And it was just for me.

Monte continued to sabotage me, but I didn’t care.  Madeline had called ME the star player and she’d marked me with her burning lips. 

We won the game – barely.  Monte’s antics became a liability, leaving the rest of us to pick up his slack.  The man didn’t seem to understand the concept of team player.  A few lucky moves saved him from the lynch crowd.  A final bases loaded, home run made him the hero of the game. 

I could have puked.  But, in the end, I was just happy that the game was over. 

“Hey Foxy,” once again the annoying voice penetrated my perfect little world.

“What Monte?”  I said, not keeping the exasperation from my voice.

“Come on, let’s call it even,” a generous smile on his face.  “We don’t need to do this, let’s just try to get along.”

Antagonizing him further would not do me any good.  “Fine,” I took his extended hand and found my hand enveloped in a large, sweaty hand. 

“We’re going to go out for a few drinks, why don’t you come with us?” 

“Can I bring someone with me?”  I had a reason for this question, I was fishing for information.

“Nah, only the team mates.  No wives, husbands, or whatever,” he smirked at this last, pointed item. 

That meant that Madeline wouldn’t be going with him.  “Oh shucks, I forgot that I already have plans for after the game.  Sorry Monte, but thanks anyway.”  I gave a sickly sweet smile.

I waited around after he and his lackey’s left, hoping that Madeline had done the same.  Tree was waiting for me.  I had brought a set of clean clothes and some other various supplies like a hair brush, deodorant, hair spray, etc.  There was no way I was going out all sweaty in my dirty uniform. We usually went to Isis after the game for a drink and some fun.  Where was Megan, and more importantly, where was Madeline?

“Looking for someone Spook?”  Megan put an arm around my waist from behind. 

I didn’t really even pay attention to her, my eyes were still searching the now dwindling crowd.  “Yeah, have you seen--“  Of course, I didn’t get the chance to finish my sentence.

“She’s right here, silly.”  Megan laughed lightly at me.  I whirled around, and sure enough, Madeline was standing right there next to her. 

“Madeline, would you like to--“  Once again I was interrupted by Megan.

“Now don’t you go and ask her out because I already asked her to go to Isis with us.” 

Madeline at Isis?  The lesbian bar?  “Did you tell her…” I faded off, waiting for Megan to pick up on my hint.

“Yes, I told her.  Women galore.  Lesbians, dykes, with or without diesel.”  She laughed loudly at her own humor. 

“I get the point Megan,” I clenched my teeth as I spoke.  Unclenching them, I turned to Madeline.  “Are you comfortable with that?”  

“Not a problem,” she said cheerfully. 

“Okay then,”  I caught Tree’s eye.  “Let’s go.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I had once brought my straight cousin, Tammi, to a gay bar.  I promised myself that I would not go through that again.  It had been a difficult and trying situation to say the least.   Tams had had a little too much to drink and as a result, danced with many of my friends, teasing them endlessly and leaving them high and…well, dry isn’t the word I would use.  I assume that she didn’t realize the affect she was having on those women, she was just, in her mind, having a good time.  However, I was the one who didn’t hear the end of it.  I had been the one who let her loose on the lesbian community.  It was my fault.  Of course, I could then also take the credit for the fact that Tammi left her boyfriend of 8 years and hooked up with Martina, one of the very women she danced with that night.  But nooooooo.  No one remembered that part.

Isis was already crowded when we arrived.  Several other women were sporting softball uniforms and cleats, but I was glad I had taken the time to change.  While I was living the cliché lesbian life when it came to softball, I didn’t like to look it. 

Claire, the waitress who works for Marge, was there, hopping from the bar to the tables, a smile on her face.  I didn’t know how she always managed to stay smiling.  I had only seen her frown once and that was because Megan had pinched her ass.  Of course, it was on a bet instigated by Tree.  Claire smiled at the four of us, her eyebrows raising in question at Madeline.  She wouldn’t be the first person tonight to ask questions. 

“I think I see a table over there,” Tree pointed to the far corner, and when I squinted I could barely make out a table and chairs.  “I’ll get them,” she said even as she started across the crowed floor.  Despite her size, she was able to maneuver her way through, quickly darting between women and dancing couples.  Before I could really focus, she was at the table, waving across the room.

“This way,” I indicated to Megan and Madeline with a wave of my hand.  Doing the butch thing, I took up the rear.  Megan went first, putting Madeline between us.  From my position, not only did I have a nice view in front of me, but I was able to take in the crowd’s reaction to Madeline.  Needless to say, she got quiet a few appreciative glances.  All women are pigs. 

Tree had commandeered an additional chair for the table because it was supposed to only sit three people.  It was a tight squeeze, but finally we were all settled in.  I just hoped that I wouldn’t have to get up to go to the bathroom or anything because my position was precarious. 

“What will ya’ll be having?”  Claire appeared out of no where, smiling as always.  The slight southern drawl was subtle, but I can tell you from first hand knowledge that it made a lot of the lesbians who visited Isis swoon with delight. 

“MGD,” said Megan absently.  Her head was preening over the crowd, looking to see who was there and who wasn’t there.  She’d give me a full report later of what her watchful eyes had seen.  It was like a game to her, seeing who was doing what to whom.  She was never vicious about it, but to listen to the way she gave assessments was fun.  Especially when she added hand gestures. 

“Same here Claire,” Tree smiled at her and watched Megan’s game as it progressed.

I looked at Madeline, waiting for her to order.  She appeared a bit flustered as attention was on her, and a light flush came over her.   “Do you have B52’s?”

Claire’s attention was now focused solely on Madeline.  “Yes darlin’ we do.  Would you like that as a shot or on the rocks?”  She accentuated the last option by wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

The flush got deeper until it was an all out blush.  “On the rocks, please.”  Madeline’s voice had gotten slightly lower, and she ducked her head a bit, but her eyes stayed focused on Claire’s. 

“My pleasure.”  Okay, that was enough.  Claire was practically purring. 

I cleared my throat with no response from Claire.  Madeline on the other hand looked at me and gave me a smile, her hand covering mine which was placed on the table.  Giving it a light squeeze, she was quick to remove her hand. 

“I would like a Rolling Rock, if you please Claire.”  I emphasized her name, hoping to draw her out of her daze. 

Claire must have caught on to Madeline’s subtle hand gesture, because she turned to me and smiled tightly, then walked away. 

Beautiful eyes on me, I felt myself without words.  I didn’t know what to say next to Madeline.  Women were already out on the dance floor, and I longed to ask her to dance, but knew that I would never get up the nerve for that.  So, how do you have a normal conversation with the woman you’re in love with but don’t really know?

I looked back at her as slyly as I could, trying to gauge how she was holding up.  Oh yeah, she was nervous.  I could tell by the way she kept biting her lip.  It was then that I realized that I didn’t really know her very well, but there were some things that I instinctually knew, and the lip biting thing was one of them. 

“Why are you so nervous?”  She asked, startling me out of my own thoughts.

“Huh?  How’d you know that?”

“You keep running your hand through your hair.  You do that when you’re nervous.” 

“I do?”

“Yeah.”  She gave me a shy smile.  “I’d like to know more about you Fox.”

“I like ice cream.”

“You do huh?  What flavor?”

“Rocky Road.”

“Traditionalist.”

“Huh?”

“Rocky Road.  It’s such a date flavor.”

I laughed.  She was right, it was a date flavor.  “What about you?”

“Chunky Monkey.”

“What in heck is that?”  Who’d heard of Chunky Monkey?

Another laugh from her.  “You know?  Ben and Jerry’s?”

I still was without a clue.  “You mean Tom and Jerry?  The cat and mouse?”

Now she was all out belly laughing.  “No!”  More laughter.  “And you say you like ice cream!”

“What does a cartoon have to do with ice cream?” I muttered to myself, waiting for her laugher to subside.  I found myself very glad that Megan was so consumed that she wasn’t listening to this conversation.  I don’t think I could handle both of them laughing at me at the same time.

Finally, with little hiccups, her laughter slowed.  “Next time, I’ll bring the ice cream.”

I thought about this carefully.  Next time, huh?  Did that constitute crossing the threshold?  I wasn’t sure if that counted or not.  But, I was happy with the thought of getting both Madeline AND ice cream.  Definitely a yummy combination. 

“Did I hear ice cream?”  Megan’s head shot around and looked at us both accusingly.  Count on her stomach to clue her in.  I should have known.

“I didn’t hear anything about ice cream,” I said innocently.  “Did you Madeline?”

Face straining to keep from smiling, Madeline shook her head.  “Nope, I’m afraid not.”

Looking from Madeline to me, Megan’s eyes narrowed.  “Somehow, I don’t think you two are being completely honest, but I’ll have to let it go for now.”

The song that had been playing over the jukebox stopped, leaving a short lag of silence before the next song started up.  It was a loud song with a heavy bass beat.  Tree suddenly stood up, a smile on her face.

“Come on sugar, this one has our name all over it!”  Grabbing Megan’s hand, Tree pulled her up and led her to the small dancing area in the corner of the bar.

A soft laugh came from Madeline.  I looked at her and she shook her head.  “They are something else.” 

I turned so that I could see my two friends.  I watched as Tree spun Megan around to the lively music.  Never missing a beat, Megan kept up with her larger partner.  Both women were smiling at each other, oblivious of everyone around them.

They made love look like fun.  I wanted that.  I want to look into the eyes of the woman I loved and just smile.  I wanted those eyes to obliterate all of those around me, leaving only the two of us in space and time. 

My eyes drifted to Madeline, who was turned so that she could watch the two women dance as well.  In short, I realized, I wanted Madeline.  It was almost like I was just realizing this all over again.  Like it was a new discovery that I was seeing for the first time.  I was amazed and scared. 

Blue eyes moved until Madeline was looking directly at me, and I felt a physical shock run through my body.  Like a fish out of water, I gasped for air, trying to suck in great quantities, seemingly unable to get enough.  I couldn’t take my eyes from Madeline’s, even as they grew more concerned.

“Are you okay?”  Reaching over, she put her hand over mine and rubbed my hand.  At first her touch was hesitant, but grew more firm.  It was her touch alone that helped me regain some sense of being, giving me a physical focus point. 

“Fine,” I croaked out, my throat dry as my breathing evened.  “Sorry, don’t know what happened there.”

Smiling at me, she patted my hand before removing hers.  I regretted the lost instantly.  “You looked like you were choking or something, I almost panicked.” 

Yeah, I was choking on my own epiphany, explain that.  “I just swallowed the wrong way.”  Of course, I didn’t even have my drink yet, so I don’t know what she could have thought I’d swallowed. 

Next, I lost the contact with Madeline’s eyes as she turned to watch Tree and Megan again.  “Megan cares a lot about you.”  She stated matter-of-factly.  “Seems to think that I could really hurt you or something.”  Turning back around, she stared at me, waiting for some kind of response. 

“She’s my best friend,” I shrugged.  “I assume that’s part of the responsibility of being a best friend, worrying.”  Sounded good, right?  Megan and I had always worried about each other.  Only sometimes it showed in very different ways.  Boy, I could tell some stories about that one. 

“I guess so.”  Hesitating, Madeline seemed to be battling with herself before she said anything more.  “I haven’t had a best friend in a very long time.”  She sounded so lonely, so hopeless.

Unsure as to what I should say in response to that, I slid my chair even closer to her.  “So, are you?”  I asked slowly.

“Am I what?”

“Going to hurt me?”  I know I sounded vulnerable, I could feel it in every word that came from my mouth. 

“I…I…”  At a loss for words, Madeline’s blue eyes grew large.  I know I startled her with my question, and I know that she wasn’t sure how to reply to it. 

“Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked that.  I’m sorry,” I was hurt by her slow response, but I was the one who stuck the question out in that now stagnant air.  Truthfully, I didn’t know what kind of answer I expected.  Did I expect her to gush her sincerity in my direction?  Did I expect a heart filled expression of love and desire?  I don’t know.  I was pushing her, I was pushing myself.  Why do I do these things?

“Excuse me,” I pushed my chair away from the table and stood up.  I needed to get away.  Fast.  I needed to think.  With Madeline so close to me, my thoughts were scrambled, not making any sense.

Fighting my way through the crowd of women, I found myself heading toward the bar. 

“New piece of meat?”  Marge asked as I approached, jerking her head toward Madeline.

“Marge,” my voice dropped as I spoke to her.  “You know that I hate that.”  It was Madeline she was talking about.  I would die protecting her honor. 

“Yeah,” she grinned, “I know.”

Marge finally realized that I wasn’t smiling back, and her face went from a smile to a frown.  Looking toward the table, she actually starred for a moment.  “This a serious one?”

My own eyes traveled and focused on Madeline.  Her head lifted and once again I was looking into the most amazing blue eyes.  One corner of her mouth lifted into a half smile, meant just for me.  My heart nearly jumped out of my chest, and for a moment, time stood still.

Then it was over.  She turned away with a wink as Megan said something to draw her attention away.  I hadn’t even realized that she and Tree were back from dancing. I wondered if Madeline had just felt that lapse in the flow of time or if it was only me.

By clearing her throat, Marge got my attention back to our conversation.  “Yes, it is.”  I said quietly.

Looking first at me and then in Madeline’s direction, Marge cleared her throat.  “Good luck, Fox.”  Her voice was gruff and I knew she was apologizing for her earlier remark.

“Thanks,” I said taking the drink she offered and headed back toward the table.  Sipping at the beverage, I didn’t taste any of the alcohol in it.  Instead I just let the coolness slip down the back of my throat, relishing the relief it brought.  I hadn’t realized just how dry my mouth had gotten.  This was probably due to all that gaping I’d been doing at Madeline.

A lively discussing had started at the table with Madeline and Tree, of all people, doing most of the discussing.  I sat down quietly, glancing at Megan in time to see her roll her eyes. 

“How can you say that?”  Tree demanded, her fist landing on the table with a muted thud.  “He can not do it!  Absolutely not!”

Snorting, Madeline showed no fear as she replied.  “Better than your choice!” 

“Now, wait a minute!  Didn’t you see him in that one movie…um…” Tree’s steam was temporarily gone as she was evidently trying to remember something.  “Honey, what was that movie?  The one that took place right after the Civil War?  You know, the one with Jodie Foster?” 

“Sommerset or something,” Megan was totally bored, barely giving Tree any of her attention. 

“Sommersby,” I replied automatically, knowing the title of just about any Jody Foster film ever made.

“Yeah!  Sommersby!  Did you see him in that?” 

“Richard Gere is not nearly good enough!  I’m telling you, he would flop biiiiiig time!”   As I watched Madeline debate this point back and forth with Tree, I realized that if I weren’t already in love her, I’d be falling right now.  She was so right for me.  Every part of my body and soul told me this.  It felt right to see her grin in triumph every time she made a valid point, her teeth gleaming against her lips, white contrasting against dark red.  I know that I licked my lips without thinking about it, feeling like a wolf eyeing its prey.

Listening as they continued to talk back and forth, I finally figured out what they were discussing.  They wanted a sequel or something to Gone with the Wind. 

“Didn’t they already do a sequel to that story?”  I asked before I thought about it.  Not a good thing as two pairs of eyes glared at me. 

“They did Scarlet, but we’re talking about a remake, not a sequel,” Madeline said in a snotty voice.

“Oh, excuuuuse me!”  Putting my hands up in mock surrender, I pretended to be hurt.   

“I’ll forgive you this once, but next time there won’t be any excuses,” patting my leg, she smiled at me.  My leg warmed where she touched, sending happy waves to the rest of my body.  Then, rather than removing her hand, she left it where it was.  Wow, talk about being brave.  I didn’t know if I could have done that.  My eyes went from her hand, which looked so innocent as it rested on my jeans, to her face.  She seemed to be avoiding my gaze. 

As Tree and Madeline continued to argue, Megan caught my eye and indicated with a raised brow that she had seen Madeline’s hand on my thigh.  I gave her a huge smile, unable to contain myself. 

A new song came on the jukebox and again, Tree pulled Megan out of her chair and onto the dance floor.  Almost immediately after they’d gone, a sandy haired blonde came up to our table, weaving slightly from too much alcohol. 

“Would you like to dance?”  She asked Madeline, a lurid smile on her face. 

Giving me a quick look before she answered, Madeline turned the woman down.  The blonde took the answer gracefully, and ambled away from us.  Looking at me again, she gave me a shaky smile.  I realized that I should have asked Madeline to dance, I should have done that long before the blonde had.  Why hadn’t I? 

“I’ll get the next round,” Madeline indicated our almost empty bottles on the table. “I’ll be right back,” she said, getting up and heading toward the bar.  My leg immediately felt the loss of her warm hand, and I instinctively felt a wave of loneliness wash over me. Halfway to the bar,  she turned and looked at me, then continued on her way.  I imagined for a second that I saw something new in her eyes, something that indicated that she needed me in the same primitive, uncontrollable way that I needed her.

I watched her as she moved, noticing for the first time the clothing she was wearing.  A tight pair of jeans and a dark blue sleeveless shirt that was cropped just below the waist of her jeans.  Very casual.  Brown loafers were on her feet, but not the kind with the tassels.  I hate the kind with tassels.  I mean, I really hate them.

While I wasn’t normally a letch, I noticed the way her rear end looked in those jeans.  I don’t know whatever one else looks for in someone, I don’t know what they find attractive, but I was quickly coming to understand what I felt was attractive.  Perfectly rounded, neither small nor big, her rear was very attractive.  It swayed as she walked, and I found my mouth watering.  I wanted to go up behind her and place my hands on her as she walked, feeling her move and moving with her.

I was loosing control of this situation.  Quickly.  I needed to regain some control.  As she sat down after placing my drink in front of me, I took a deep breath.  “So, what were we talking about?” 

“I won’t hurt you Fox.  Not if I can help it.”  Her voice was low, but sincere.  I swallowed hard at the honesty I heard and felt coming from her.  “I don’t know what I’m doing, or what’s going to happen now.  I can’t just go back and pretend that this…didn’t happen.”

“This?” 

Her eyebrows came together as she answered.  “Meeting you.  Feeling you.  Wanting you,” a blush crept over her face and her eyes lowered.  “The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you.  I promise, I’ll walk away before I let that happen.”  This time she looked at me and I saw her blue eyes burning through me.

“People…get hurt Madeline.  It’s our nature to love, but also hurt one another.”  I felt very cynical as I said this, but I wanted her to know that I didn’t want her to ever walk away from anything we might have just because she hurt me.  I’m a big girl, right?  I can handle it.  “Who am I kidding?”  I whispered into the air, hoping immediately that my words would be swallowed by the crowd.  They weren’t.

“What?”  Alarmed, Madeline took my hand and squeezed it. 

“Sorry,” I shook my head, feeling my mouth curl up in a sardonic smile.  “You could hurt me, you know.”

“I know.”

“I mean, it’s not like I haven’t been hurt in the past,” I continued as though she hadn’t said anything.  “But, this is different.  I feel that to my very core.”

“I know,” she said again.

“Do you?  I mean, do you really?”

Letting go of my hand, Madeline sat back and took a drink from the now warmed bottle in front of her.  “I’m not going to pretend that I understand what’s going on.  I’m not going to pretend that I have any answers to your questions Fox.”  Pausing, she took another drink, holding the liquid in her mouth before swallowing it.  “But, I do feel something.  I can’t deny that.  I tried, it only hurt me.”  She laughed softly.  “This is where pretending has gotten me.”  Looking up toward the ceiling, she whispered softly, “I’m sorry mama.  I’m so sorry.  I tried, I really did.”

Thoroughly confused, I sat there, bewildered.  I felt the turning of some kind of tide here, but I didn’t understand it one bit.  Taking a quick glance at the ceiling, I was glad I didn’t see any type of entity up there, or in fact, her mother looking at us.  I have a hard time dealing with mothers.  Other than my own, I mean.  I loved my mother very much for many reasons.  It was other people’s mothers I had a hard time with.

“Fox, there’s a story I need to tell you.  There’s some…information I think you need to have.”

“Okay,” I said slowly.  This was feeling like an X-Files episode more and more each minute.  Please God, I prayed, don’t let her be an alien!

“But not here, not now.” 

Oh shit, she was going to take me to her hide out where the other aliens would feast on my human blood! 

“Where?”  I asked, forcing myself out of my ridiculous musings. 

“Tomorrow.  Is there any place that you know of that’s…where we won’t be seen?”

I couldn’t help the kindling of anger that flashed through me.  She didn’t want to be seen with me?  “Yeah, sure,” was my sarcastic reply. 

“No Fox, it’s not what  you think.  I have to be careful.  You have to be careful.” 

Okay, so I was defensive today.  I couldn’t help it, I was confused and in love.  What a sob story.

“I know someplace.  It’s a park, about 20 minutes from here.”  I gave her directions to Alston park, arranging to meet her there the next day. 

Getting up from our table, Madeline reached out a cupped my cheek with her hand.  The smoothness of her skin on mine was like feeling heaven for the first time.  “I’ll explain everything, I promise.  Be patient with me Fox.”  Leaning down, she brushed her lips against mine.  I closed my eyes to savor the feeling, but it was over far too soon.  When I opened my eyes again, she was gone. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day was warm, but not hot.  The sun shone as it should mid-summer, but the humidity was missing, leaving the day pleasant and beautiful. 

I had told Madeline to meet me at my bench.  Since I didn’t know what kind of car she was driving, I had no idea whether or not she was already there.  I was early, hoping to be there before she was. I kept my head down, not really paying any attention to the people I passed.

Shit, I thought as I reached the back of the park and could see the benches.  I hadn’t counted on her getting there first.  I stood back and watched her for a moment.  Her hands were playing nervously with the edge of her shirt.  The way that she kept switching positions, seeming to be unable to get comfortable, told me she wasn’t sure what to expect from this encounter.  But, as I watched her, my eyes stopped seeing these little movements, and focused on Madeline herself. 

Beauty doesn’t describe what I saw in her at that moment.  It was so much deeper than that.  Rays of sunlight were filtering through the trees, illuminating her face.  It was home to me.  Simple as that.  In her beautiful face, in the way she held herself, in the gentle tilt of her neck, I could see my future and my past.  It was all in her.  She was the culmination of everything I’d ever gone through or would go through.  She was my home.  My refuge.  It was all in her. 

I guess I’d been right all along.  I’d always known that I’d be able to look into someone’s face one day and see my own reflection.  I saw it in her.  That missing piece of myself that I had always been lacking and had always needed.  It was her. 

Girding my loins, as I once heard someone say, I made my way closer.  She must have been listening for me, because her head came up before I got close enough to scare her.  I stopped and we kind of looked at each other than looked away and I could swear there was a reddish tinge to her cheeks.

“Hi,” I said quietly.

“Hi back.”  Sliding down on the bench, she patted the place next to her.  “You want to sit?”

Oh yeah, she was nervous.  I could tell by the way she kept biting her lip.  It was then that I realized that I didn’t really know her very well, but there were some things that I instinctually knew, and the lip biting thing was one of them. 

“Why are you so nervous?”  She asked, startling me out of my own thoughts.

“Huh?  How’d you know that?”

“You keep running your hand through your hair.  You do that when you’re nervous.” 

“I do?”

“Yeah.”  She gave me a shy smile.  “Sit, please.” 

I sat slowly, not wanting to sit too close to her, and yet not wanting to put much distance between us.  I was worried for nothing because as soon as I sat down, she scooted closer.  Turning sideways a little, she looked at me shyly.  “You know, since I’ve met you, a lot of things have happened to me.”

An eyebrow raised above my eye.  I have no idea how, but it did.  I’ve never been able to do that before.

She smiled at me.  “I don’t mean things HAPPENED to me, I mean I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching, as they call it.  I had to look at myself and make decisions that truthfully, I didn’t want to make.”

I was confused and apprehensive at best.  Decisions were scary things.  They could change everything, one way or the other. 

“Where can I start?”  She asked out loud.  I didn’t know if she wanted an answer or not.  “They usually say to start at the beginning right?”  This time she looked directly at me.

“Um, I like to start in the middle, then do the beginning, and finish it with the end.”  Lame, Fox, completely, totally, and utterly lame! 

“So the beginning it is,” she said sardonically.  “When I was 18,” she paused.  I waited for her to break into song, but she didn’t.  “I went to college in Massachusetts.  Mount Holyoke, near Boston.” 

I nodded my head to indicate that I was familiar with the school.

“I’d never been one of those girls who had boyfriends in high school.”  She was looking down at this point and I could tell she was a little embarrassed to be hashing this all out. 

“Me either,” I said seriously.  Really, I hadn’t even thought about sex at that point in my life.  I was content with just doing my thing, whatever that had been at the time.

“They just weren’t interested in me.”  She shrugged her shoulders which drooped with the reminder of the pain she’d felt in high school.  I felt my sympathy going out to the kid she’d been and I understood the pain of rejection. 

Without thinking, I took her hand and squeezed it.  She gave me a small smile.  “Anyway, I went to college wanting to start a whole new life.  College was an eye awakening time.  I learned new things about myself and about the world.  But, the biggest, most life altering thing that I learned was that I prefer women.”

I think I fainted.  I think I fell off the park bench and the world opened up and swallowed me.  I think aliens came down and started to fiddle with my brain.  Something happened.  There was a flash of bright white light behind my eyes and everything went dark for a moment.

“…so, I didn’t hesitate to tell her.”  Madeline had continued through my temporary bout of darkness.

“Wait!”  I put my hand up and took a deep breath, trying to get my heart to start working again.  “Just a minute.  What did you say?”  I had thought I’d heard her say something about preferring women. 

“Shhh!”  A light slap on my arm and a grin was affective, shutting me up, leaving me awaiting the rest of her story.

“Naturally, I told my mom about how I felt.”  I’m assuming that she felt the need to explain, just in case I’d missed something.  “You know…about being attracted to women.”

There!  She’s said it again!  Attracted to women.  My whole world was spinning as the rest of what she’d said hit me.

“Why?”  I couldn’t seem to keep quiet.  Luckily, Madeline didn’t seem to think me rude.  “I mean—“  She put her fingers over my mouth to silence me.

“Can you please be patient?”  A smile was threatening to take over her lips.  I had to restrain myself from licking her fingers, my lips burning as her touch lingered.  Slowly, she pulled away.  “Now be good.”

Oh, I wasn’t at all interested in being good!  Bad, bad Fox!  Come on Madeline, I’ll show you how to keep me quiet.  You’re mouth on mine….Oh God!  I moaned to myself, realizing I was sinking myself deeper and deeper.

She was looking at me, her head cocked slightly to one side.  Almost like she was reading my thoughts.  I couldn’t stop the flush that spread through my body.  I’m sure she could see it in my face.  “Sorry,” I said softly, truly ashamed at my lecherous thoughts.

“My mother and I were very close.”

Were?

“My father left before I was born, leaving my mom alone to raise me.”

She did a damn good job!

Fiddling with the bottom of her shirt, she continued.  “She was only 17 when I was born.  Her parents had said they wouldn’t help cause she couldn’t keep her man.”  The words twisted her mouth into a sardonic grin.  “They figured she must have done something wrong for him to leave.”

Figures.  Thirty-some odd years ago the woman was always to blame for what the man did.  Come to think of it, has anything really changed?

Madeline took a deep breath, pausing to collect her thoughts.  Take your time Madeline, I’ve waited forever for you.  My silent encouragement seemed to be heard because she gave me another of her sweet smiles that seemed to pull directly at my heart.

“My mom was my best friend.”  I felt my eyebrow raise before I could stop it.  “I know, it sounds cliché and ridiculous, but it’s true.  I told her everything and anything.  So, , when I finally figured out why I was 19 and hadn’t been kissed, I told her.”  A soft laugh slipped from her.  I thought about those very lips who had gone 19 years untouched.  It was a real effort to focus on Madeline’s eyes and not her lips.  “When I told her, she was quiet.  It was the only time I could remember my mother being silent.  She…she didn’t approve.”  The heartbreak Madeline must have experienced at that watershed moment was still fresh on her face.  Small lines of sorrow formed around her mouth and eyes, and I imagined those very lines were formed that day she told her mother.

“After that, things changed.  My mom was still there when I needed her, but there was a wall between us.  She…held back from me.”  A hand reached up and absently ran through Madeline’s hair, my eyes mesmerized by the sight of her long fingers tangling in her thick locks of hair.  “I…I won’t lie Fox.  It hurt.  More than anything I could remember in my life.”

I figured I could interject some wise words at this point.  “You’d think that someone who’d challenged so many taboos herself wouldn’t have had such a hard time accepting a different way of loving.”  That was a nice way of saying that her mother was a hypocrite.  I hope that Madeline wouldn’t see that. 

Eyebrows furled as she nodded slowly in agreement.  “But, I was her daughter.”

Was?  Again the past tense.  Had her mother disowned her?  Or was she…

“My senior year of college my mother was diagnosed with cancer.”  She sighed.  “Apparently the cancer had been there for a long time but my mother hadn’t wanted to take the time to go to the doctor.  She was given six months to a year, tops.”  A tear had formed in her eye, threatening to fall over, down her cheek.  I caught it before it could.  We both realized the intimacy of the gesture at the same time, but we didn’t make any move to recover.  “She didn’t even make it 3 months before she was in the hospital, hooked up to more machines than I’d ever seen in my entire life.” 

The tear that I had taken from her eye had not been alone.  Now its twin sisters were slowly falling and streaming down Madeline’s cheeks.  I could feel her pain almost as though it were my own.  Within my body there was a searing pain of loss, threatening to swallow me whole, leaving me a ghost here in earth. 

Madeline cleared her throat gently to clear away the emotions which had blocked it.  “When she was in the hospital, before she died, she made me promise that I would marry Monte.  He was a friend of the family who had always had a crush on me.  His family was wealthy and mom figured that I would be well looked after if I married him.” 

That explained why she was married to Monte.  I hated that man so much.  He’d touched her. That’s enough to make him scum of the earth.  But, on top of that, he was an asshole!  A chauvinistic pig-type asshole who wouldn’t know how to treat a woman, especially not my Madeline.  The anger welled up inside of me, churning and spurning my hatred on. 

A giggle type laughter interrupted my inner storm.  I looked up, puzzled, and saw Madeline looking and me and laughing.  “What?”

“I know you won’t believe it, but he’s not that bad.”

“Yeah, and the Titanic sinking wasn’t a disaster,” I muttered under my breath, slightly embarrassed that she had yet again figured out what I was thinking.

“I know, he comes across as a…jerk.”

Try again honey.

“But, that really came after he started working in advertising.  It’s like he thought he needed this macho attitude to help get him ahead.”  Shrugging her shoulders, she sighed.  “He’s…normal.  Just like any man, not particularly sensitive, but not abusive either.”

Oh great, just what I need to hear.  Next thing you know she’s going to be telling me how he’s a sensitive lover.  And how could this all be?  I mean, I saw them together in that restaurant.  That day that will always be engrained in my brain.  Her words, thrown at him with such disgust…I am not your whore!

“Growing up, he was always like a…brother to me.”  She blushed slightly and I grew suddenly wary of what she was going to say next.  “I guess that kind of continued even after we got married.  There was never any…passion in our marriage.  But, even so, he always treated me very well.  Almost with kid gloves, you could say.  I’ll always be grateful to him for that.  He could have been a real ass about it all, but he wasn’t.”

I don’t think I could handle this attitude.  No, dear, you’re mistaken.  He’s the devil remember?  Was it time to confess?  Tell her when I really first saw her?

“He doesn’t know about my experiences in college.  He doesn’t know that I was with women before we were married.  I’ve never told him because it just seemed like a chapter in my life that I need to close and keep close.”  Her voice broke and she put her head in her hands.  “Oh God, I wish I could have kept it closed.”  Looking up, I could see a wild look in her eyes.  “Don’t you see Fox?  It’s like Pandora’s Box.  Once you open feelings and emotions like that up again – once you expose them to the air after having hid them for so long – you can never go back.”  Her voice had steadily risen as she spoke until it just died, leaving a ringing in the air with her finally word.  Then, she put her head back in her hands, and said softly “I can never go back.”

She was right.  I realized, after everything she’d told me, that the interest I’d sensed in her hadn’t been figment of my dreams.  And once she’d recognized that interested and it had been acted on, she couldn’t go back to being the good little wife she had been.  How could you pretend to be something that went against everything that you wanted and needed.

So where did this leave her?  Us?  “Do you…” I had to swallow the vile as I finished the sentence. “…want to go back?  Do you want to pretend like nothing happened?  Is that what would make you happy Madeline?”  I tried to keep my voice even, but was having trouble.  I desperately willed her to say no.  But, I knew, in the end, if she wanted me to disappear from her life, I would.  I would die, something inside of me would die and my body would so follow.  But, I would do it if it would make her happy. 

Tears threatened to spill from my eyes this time as she didn’t answer right away.  Fear like none I’d ever know filled me, creating a trembling within me that soon spread to my limbs. 

“No,” she finally said, shaking her head.   Then she looked at me, the tears streaming from my eyes and seemed to see the plight she’d just put me through.  “Oh God, Fox.  I’m sorry, I just wanted to be completely honest in answering you.”  She reached out and stroked my hair, her hand slowly caressing me, reassuring me. 

“I’m sorry,” I sniffed, “but I’m really glad to hear you say that.”  I stopped her hand on my head and brought it to my lips, kissing it softly.  “I don’t know what’s going on Madeline, but I know that walking away from you would kill me.  But I would.  If that’s what would make you happy, I would walk away from you and you would never see me again.”

“Don’t leave me Fox.  I need you.”  She laughed softly.  “I don’t know what I mean by that, but it’s true.”  Growing quiet, she paused.  “I am going to do something about this.  It’s not going to be easy, but I need to do it.”  Her eyes looked into mine with desperate need.  “Will you help me?  Will you be there for me when I can’t walk alone anymore?”

What she was asking from me was a lot.  She realized that.  She was asking me, a virtual stranger, to help her end her old life and start a new one.  And she wasn’t even giving me the promise that I’d be in her new life.  I couldn’t ask for that guarantee either.   Did I want to set myself up for that possible heartache?  I looked at her carefully, feeling the immediate quickening of my heartbeat and the response in my inner being, both of which being enough to give me my answer.  “Yes.  Whatever you need.”  And I meant it. Anything she needed, I would be there.

Taking my hand, she kissed it gently.  “Thank you Fox.”

I think I must have blushed at the tenderness she was showing.  No one had ever been that tender with me.  I was always the tender, care-giver type. 

Whatever was ahead of us would be interesting. 

Continued in Part 3

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