SWITCHING SIDES
August 31, 1998
by Bongo Bear and hobbes
Part 1:
Xena was busily brushing down Argo when Gabby sidled up to her and planted a quick kiss behind her ear. The amorous bard waited for Xena to reciprocate the affectionate gesture with one of her own. She waited and waited and waited. Xena kept running the brush over the horse's golden hide as if Gabby was never there. The little bard started to fume and fuss. Finally she burst out, "Xena, is there a problem we should be discussing?"
The warrior turned from Argo and leaned in to give Gabby a cursory peck on the cheek, "Sorry, I'm just not in the mood today."
"You weren't in the mood yesterday, either. Or the day before that. What's going on here?" Gabrielle demanded.
"It's not a problem with you. Well, not exactly. It's me." Xena said dejectedly.
"Are you still sore about that crack about your age?" Gabrielle giggled inwardly about how pushing thirty negatively affected Xena's libido.
"No, I got over that last week." Xena looked past her as she spoke.
"Then what? Give with the details, woman!" Gabrielle stamped a delicate foot into the dusty ground.
Xena grasped her bard by her shoulders and looked her steadily in the eye, "Gabby, I think I need a man." As she expected, the bard fainted dead away. Xena carefully lowered her to the ground and elevated her feet. The shocked bard quickly recovered.
"Oh you're a sight for sore eyes. I just had the funniest dream. You said you wanted a man. Imagine that!" she giggled a little hysterically.
Xena, kneeling by her friend's prostrate form, said, "No, you heard me right: I need a man." Gabby's eyes rolled up into her head as she passed into unconsciousness again. Xena shook her gently, then vigorously, "Hey, don't pass out on me now." The bard's eyes fluttered open once more and stayed open. She sat up staring at Xena. She put her hand out to the warrior's forehead to check for a fever. Feeling none, she checked her own forehead.
"You want a man?" Gabby said slowly and deliberately, her eyebrows rising with each word.
"Yes, that's what I've been saying. Lately, something's been missing. I finally figured out what it was."
"Look if that's what you're looking for, there are plenty of those in the toy box Aphrodite gave us for our wedding. We've barely used half of 'em," Gabby pleaded.
"I think it's gonna have to be the real thing this time."
"Xena, I thought you didn't much care for what's attached to the real thing!"
"In the past that was true, but I've had a change of heart. I want a man. That's all there is to it!" Xena said with a touch of annoyance in her voice.
Damn, damn, I should have seen it coming, Gabrielle thought to herself. Xena in a clinch with Ulysses. Maybe she had some residual feelings for Hercules. Perhaps that kiss with Rafe was more passionate than she let on? Gods, how did this happen? And why now? I'll play along for now. Maybe she'll explain. I hope she can.
"A man....well, whom do you have in mind? I'm sure not just any man will do." Gabrielle grinned mischievously as a bright idea popped into her head, "Don't tell me. You have the hots for Joxer?"
"Oh, please! I'd rather bed a raging harpy than get within a ten feet of that buffoon, much less his....." It's probably inversely proportional to the size of his ego, she thought to herself.
"Then who? Ulysses, Hercules, Rafe?" Gabrielle thumbed through her memory for more men that could possibly hold Xena's interest.
"No one in particular," Xena said distantly.
Gabrielle looked Xena again, finally realizing that she really means it. "You know you're breaking my heart," she said softly, tears forming in her eyes and threatening to roll down her cheeks. "I thought you loved me."
Xena gathered Gabby into her arms and held her tightly. "I do love you, but...." Gabby shrugged her way out of Xena's embrace, picked up her staff, and started to walk away. "Where do you think you're going?" Xena called after her.
"I'm staying out of your way. If you want a man, you're going to have to get him all by yourself. Good bye." Gabrielle wiped her eyes with the back of her hand as she walked off into the forest. Xena watched her as she retreated into the trees, finally disappearing altogether into the distance.
She stared down at her booted feet. "What have I done? I had to be honest with her. I thought that was best. What have I done?" She buried her face in her arms as she collapsed to the ground. Gabrielle heard her friend's sobs in the distance, but she kept walking on.
Part 2:
"Let's check out the selection here," Xena muttered to herself as she got comfortable in the crowded tavern. Since Gabrielle left her, she resigned herself to going through with her decision to find a man, any man. She smoothed her ebony tresses back and put her feet up. Sipping her port, she lounged near the back of the room so she could easily scan the masculine bodies crowded closely together at the bar. She knew she was a highly desirable, beautiful woman and that she could have her pick of any man there. The only remaining question: who was going to be the lucky guy tonight?
Eeeewww! Get a load of that gut, she thought to herself. The man's belly flopped over his sword belt and threatened to smother his groin. The blubbery fellow wrapped his belt tightly around the small of his back and scooped the buckle underneath his enormous beer gut. She was amazed that he could let himself go so far and yet still claim a 32 inch waist.
How about that one over there? The man turned his head as if on cue and was grinning widely as he glanced at the warrior. His open mouth revealed broken and blackened teeth. Even the gums were swollen and diseased. His friends probably call him Gingivitis, she thought. Xena flashed him a shriveling glare that forced him to look away.
A foul smelling drunk stumbled into her lap, his face landing squarely in her crotch. She pulled him up by his filthy collar surrounding an even filthier scrawny neck. She regarded his pock-marked face as he turned his head to look up at her and breathed out an alcohol soaked, "Excuuuse me...madam, I seem to 'av f-f-fallen for you..." His words were cut off by an ill-timed belch in her face. She vainly fanned away the fumes with one hand as she tossed him on top of the next table with the other. The clattering of cups and platters went barely noticed by those seated around the table. The diners merely rolled the drunk off and kicked him underneath a bench.
Xena was ready to call it a night when she spied a strapping, virile stud in tight leather leggings. Her breath caught as he flexed his well-muscled body while gliding effortlessly across the room. He moved towards Xena's general direction. She took in his clear complexion and chiseled features accented with sparkling blue eyes. She could almost feel her fingers running through his thick dark hair. She stared with frank appreciation at the smooth deep chest and washboard stomach. She almost wonder aloud about how he would feel in the palms of hers hands. Smooth silky skin, lightly dusted with peach fuzz over hard muscle. In every way, the perfect male specimen.
"Hmmmm, he looks mighty tasty," Xena unconsciously licked her chops. She was about to stand up and intercept him when another man arrived at his side, obviously a comrade. The second man placed his arm around his friend's shoulder and guided him to another table. She watched as the men walked away to the far side of the room. She was admiring the way studly's muscles rippled under the leathers as he walked away when the second man's hand reached down and gave him a firm squeeze.
Now she knew why none of the men paid her much attention. At least not the kind she expected. A fellow would occasionally shoot a puzzled glance at her, then turn away. "Oh gods, I'm in a gay tavern!" Xena mentally thumped herself on the forehead. Granted it's been a long, long time since she actively sought a man. But really! After flipping a few dinars on the wooden table to cover her drinks, she pushed and shoved her way to the door and stumbled out into the street.
Part 3:
Xena stomped out of the tavern, irritated at her foolish mistake. She was relieved that her bard hadn't been there to see it. Gabrielle would have busted a gut over that one, and told her that she got what she deserved.
The warrior looked around. There had to be another tavern or inn around here somewhere. Her sharp eyes spotted a yellow painted sign up the road and she headed for it. As she drew closer, she read the wooden plaque.
'The Yellow Rose'
Hmph! I hope this ain't a prissy place or they'll never even let me through the door, she thought to herself.
As luck would have it, the tavern was a regular old inn with a mixture of patrons hanging about the dining room. She glanced around, checking out the possibilities. The first one she spotted was too old and the second too young--well, she didn't want to wear a drool towel over her shoulder. She almost turned away, but something stopped her. A third man sat partially hidden behind a pillar.
She approached him. He was an ordinary looking fellow and average in every way. He had a medium build, with stringy shoulder length hair half way between a dirty blond and a deep brown, and wide simple eyes, addled with liquor. A drunken man wouldn't perform as well as she would have liked, but she figured she'd be doing all the work anyway. She had an itch to scratch; he looked as a good scratching post as any.
Xena stood at his table, staring down at the drinking man. She sniffed the air around him. He could use a good scrubbing and a haircut, but he had possibilities. Looking up from his mug, he ogled at her with glazed eyes and smiled. At least he had all his teeth. She bent forwards and smiled seductively.
"Wanna take a bath?" she purred. He widened his grin and stood unsteadily, more than willing to get a little wet for the opportunity her eyes promised. Xena found the innkeeper and ordered a room and bath, slipping the woman a few dinars if she would bring a meal as well. Soon, Xena and the man found themselves in a room with a small tub, filled with steaming water.
"Get out of those clothes and into the tub," she ordered.
"Ain't cha gettin' in with me?"
"I'm clean already, but you aren't. Now get in," she said impatiently.
He mumbled drunkenly, but did as he was told. She picked up a sponge and began bathing him. He grinned crookedly, enjoying the attention. After a few minutes, the need for small talk overtook him.
"What's yer name, honey? I'm Phabius."
"None of your business. I really don't care who you are. I just want one thing. After that, I'm outta here."
"Oh." he stayed silent after that. Xena continued with her chore, wondering if this was worth the bother. The water swirling below her darkened as the grime from the man slowly dissolved from his body. She finished him off with a bucketful of warm clean water and told him to stand. He didn't move. She looked down and saw his mouth ajar. His snores came soon after.
Part 4:
The Amazon Nation was a community of women unlike almost any other in the world. This was the one place, even beyond Poteidaia, that Gabrielle felt completely at ease. Among her sisters, she was safe within their borders, respected as their Queen, and most of all, welcomed with open arms. It was her dearest hope that Xena and she would settle there someday. A someday that may never come to pass.
"I don't understand! How can she possibly even consider anyone else? Much less a man!" Gabrielle cried aloud as she paced the rug covering the wooden floor of Ephiny's hut. "And to think I worried about some randy Amazon sister stealing her away!" She pounded the table at the end of the room for emphasis. A vase sitting at the edge of the table wobbled from the impact and crashed to the floor. Ephiny rolled her eyes up, then prayed for patience and held her tongue. After all, the distraught woman wearing a path in her rug was her Queen. Gabrielle showed up at their gates earlier that day and hadn't stopped moving or screaming at the top of her lungs since.
Ephiny was not surprised at all at Xena's behavior. She half expected it to happen at almost any time. Not wishing to tempt Fate, she never expressed her doubts to the bard and certainly not to Xena. Oh, there was gossip around the village about how long Gabrielle and a woman like Xena could last together. She even participated in that rumor mongering herself. Now that Xena waved her true colors, Ephiny almost smugly muttered "I could have told you so" under her breath.
Ignoring the shards of pottery on the floor, Gabrielle continued to rant and rave about Xena's infidelity. She always knew that Xena was ambiguous about her own sexuality. But her commitment and love for Gabrielle should have been quite clear. After all, they were married. Xena still loved her. She said so herself. Yet she still desired others. Others whom Gabrielle had no hopes of competing with.
"Oh that two-timing tramp! Does she expect me to wait while she sows her wild oats? I don't think so. Gods, why did I ever fall in love with her?" She knew the answer to that question. She still loved Xena despite the warrior's faithless act.
The bard's relentless pacing finally came to an end as she broke down in tears while beating her fists against the wall. Ephiny ran to her side and held her as she fell sobbing into the regents' arms. Ephiny called out to the guards and three responded to her summons, Solari, Eponin, and a younger woman new to the job. Ephiny put her Queen into their care and ordered that all breakable objects be removed from the royal chamber.
The young guard stopped to clean up the broken pottery. As the guard bent to the task, Gabrielle, through bleary, swollen eyes, took note of her. It was like looking into a mirror darkly. The woman was about her age, with the same height and build. But where Gabrielle was light, she was dark. The guard's hair was black as midnight with matching eyes containing tiny flecks of gray. The silver and black leathers she wore complimented her natural coloring. The young woman must have felt Gabrielle's eyes upon her for she stopped and said, "My Queen, is there something else you desire?" Gabrielle quickly shook her head 'no'.
As Solari and Eponin led her away, she looked over her shoulder and made a mental note to ask about the third guard in the morning.
Part 5:
Xena left the room, leaving Phabius still asleep in the tub.
"I hope his butt stays permanently pruned!" she thought nastily as she made her way back to the inn's common area. Xena had decided if she couldn't scratch her itch, she'd get drunk.
The innkeeper saw Xena's sour expression and changed her mind. The warrior must also be a trollop since she didn't look all that happy after getting it, either that, or the man was the worst performer in the world. The innkeeper chuckled wickedly at the thought, "Probably a five second wonder." She watched the woman warrior sit down at a table and look around impatiently. "The gods help me. This is gonna be a lonnnnggg night!"
*****************************
Gabrielle woke the next day to the sound of her stomach growling. She crawled out of bed and walked over to the washstand to quickly rinse her face with the cool water that was available in a bowl. Drying her face, the queen wandered to the window and peered outside. Her eyes were drawn to the group of children that played in the middle of the courtyard, supervised by the dark girl she had seen the night before. Gabrielle watched her unabashedly as the athletic woman romped around with the kids, her toned body even more obvious for her darker complexion.
The girl smiled often, flashing her white teeth and the dimple that formed on her left cheek. Gabrielle wondered how deep that dimple went, or if there was more than one. She naughtily wondered if she could use her position as the queen to find out, then mentally slapped herself. "Gabrielle, just because Xena is cheating, doesn't mean you should too. Two wrongs don't make it right. Take your hormones in hand and go get breakfast!" she scolded herself.
Gabrielle hastily got dressed and left the hut, heading for the communal hut for a meal. She passed by the playing children and got popped in her head by the leather ball they were using in their game. Mortified, the dark girl rushed forwards to check on her queen.
"Are you alright, my Queen?"
Gabrielle chuckled and picked up the ball. "Yes, I'm fine. It'll take more than a ball to do me any harm," she teased. She walked over to the girl, and the bard felt her smile freeze in place. The girl was even more stunning up close. The queen found herself drawn to the full lips that were slightly parted and Gabrielle had to shake herself before handing the ball to her. The girl reached out, her warm hands grazing Gabrielle's as she took the leather object. The black-tressed girl then bowed and returned to the children.
I'm in trouble now, the queen thought.
*************************
Xena woke, and wished she hadn't. Hephaestus was pounding his anvil with the largest hammer in his collection and each blow shot searing pain through her head. Her stomach tried to do a somersault and she moaned into her pillow. The warrior shifted and rolled over, trying to get out of the sunbeam that burned her eyes. As she rolled over, she felt a body next to hers.
Her eyes shot open. Next to her was a man. She took in his balding pate and his gray beard trailing through a forest of curls on his chest. She wanted to die. He had to be the oldest, gnarliest man she had ever seen.
"What have I sunk to?" Xena thought.
Part 6:
Xena sat up and stared into the old man's face as she searched her memory for some inkling of what happened the night before. As she watched, his eyes twitched open, then he lazily stretched out his scrawny arms and yawned toothlessly. Foul morning breath reminiscent of sour wine and dirty dish water wafted under Xena's nose, but she was too distraught to care.
"Oh gods, could I? Did we?" Xena's quavering voice betrayed her incredulity.
"Yes, we did," he said sweetly. "Dearie, you certainly know how to make an old man's last days happy ones. If I'd died last night ....." His voice trailed off as a warm smile of remembrance graced his wrinkled face.
Xena threw her head back into the pillow and covered her face with her forearms. She kept murmuring to herself, "No, no, no, this can't be. I must be dreaming. Somebody please pinch me!"
The old boy obliged. She nearly cut off the circulation of blood to his head when she realized it was too late. The deed was done. She had her man and she still wasn't happy. Old man, young man, it didn't matter. She was still miserable. Perhaps she should stick with women. Yeah, that's it. Drown herself in a sea of sensation. Bombard her senses with pleasure so she couldn't hear herself think. Anything to keep regret at bay.
Breaking her reverie, he said, "I gotta tell ya, last night would have been perfect but for one itty bitty thing."
"What? What do you mean?"
"Why is it women, in the heat of passion, can't keep a fella's name straight? You kept calling me Garbie …. Gabby something. My name is Auchan. Come on, you can say it. Awwww-sssshaaaann. It's easy if you try." He leaned in to plant a kiss on her cheek but instead met with the palm of her hand pushing his face away.
"Please, haven't you had enough?" Xena's lip curled with disgust. "I know I have."
"Well now, little lady. That wasn't very lady-like at all! But you're not like other girls." He turned the sheets aside and stood up by the bed. As he bent over to retrieve his pants that were carelessly dropped on the floor, Xena surreptitiously examined his shriveled member. For some odd reason, the image of a mummified seahorse came to mind.
Noticing where her eyes were focused, he said, "It ain't much now, but it can be. Whooo weee!" He smiled lecherously. "But really, I didn't give you what you wanted, did I? I couldn't have no matter how hard I tried."
Xena sat silently in the rumpled sheets. He took her silence as tacit consent to continue.
"What you really want, what you really need, is to honor your heart. Listen to it. What's it saying to you?" He gently tapped her forehead with a gnarled finger, "Give those wheels a-spinning in your head a rest. Don't beat this," softly stroking that same finger over her heart, "into a corner with a stick like some dumb beast. Treat it with respect and honesty. What is it saying to you?"
He stopped speaking and stared back at the Warrior Princess. His eyes twinkled with a warmth and wisdom that weren't there before. The world stopping spinning around. Time stopped marching forward. In the stillness and quiet, Xena relaxed enough to listen deeply within. The sound was nearly imperceptible, but the volume grew as she listened. Finally, she heard the soft, but insistent voice.
Nodding his approval, the world lurched forward again. He finished dressing as he tightly cinched the belt holding his pants up. He threw on the rough woolen tunic and headed out the door of their room. Just before closing the door behind him, he called over his shoulder, "Remember, the name's Auchan, Awwwww-ssshhaaannnn."
He shut the door and sauntered down the hallway, quite pleased with himself. When he was well out of earshot, he said to himself, "But my friends call me Aphrodite."
*********
What Xena heard was love defined by what it is not. It's not the thrill of the hunt: the constant search and conquest of yet another lover. It's not the passion that draws two people inexorably together. Nor is it the glorious pleasure of release. Then she came to her own realization that love is the joining of two souls, equal yet incomplete when separated. The result is greater than the sum of its parts when the souls finally come together. Xena felt that synergy, that coming together, with only one person in her life and she hadn't been at her side for days.
Part 7:
"Why does loving her have to be so damned hard?" Gabrielle cried into the shoulder covered with soft leather. "Why can't she just tell me that she loves me and be done with it? Life isn't as complicated as she makes it out to be."
The young guard, whom Gabrielle noticed the day before, sought to comfort her queen with soft murmurs and a warm hug. The queen had wandered off into border lands alone. The guard followed only to find her queen sobbing uncontrollably near a fast flowing river. Fearing for her queen's safety, the dark-haired woman wrapped her arms around Gabrielle and pulled her away from the bank, lest she fall in and be swept away by the swift current. Once they both were safely several yards away from the foaming white water, Gabrielle opened the flood gates of her emotions between racking sobs and sniffles.
"I don't know why I'm telling you all this. I hardly know you. We've only just met a few days ago."
"My Queen, sometimes it's easier to confide in a friend than in a lover. Even more so with a near stranger. I'd like to be your friend." The guard gently cupped her queen face and planted a soft kiss on a royal forehead. "My name is Lydia, by the way."
"Lydia, please take me away from here. I've endangered us both with my foolishness. Some queen I make, huh?" Gabrielle sniffled into the guard's tear-streaked shoulder.
"If I may be so blunt, love runs the deepest and most true when you're at your most foolish. Xena is in love with you. She always has been from the beginning and she always will be."
Gabrielle's head popped up and she looked at Lydia warily. "Are you sure about that? It doesn't really make any sense."
"My Queen, I make it my business to know such things," the guard said with an unexpected confidence in her voice.
What a strange thing for her to say, Gabrielle thought to herself as she allowed herself to be led back to the Amazon village.
Part 8:
A half dozen or so very butch, very angry Amazon guards met Xena at the entrance to their village. The opposing forces faced each other like silent stone walls and were just as immovable. Ephiny shouldered her way to the front of the protective phalanx and addressed Xena through gritted teeth.
"Xena, you are not welcome here, not after what you did to our Queen. Go back to your men." She spat out the last bit like bitter bile. "Gabrielle doesn't want you."
The Warrior Princess drew herself up and took in a deep breath as she weighed her next words. Then she said softly, "Ephiny, I recognize you as the queen's regent in all matters of the state. But this is a matter of the heart. My heart and hers. Gabrielle must speak for herself and I need to hear it from her own lips. If she commands me to leave her forever, I will do just that. But until I hear her voice, I'm staying put." She crossed her arms and planted her feet as if she was planning to stay there for a good long time.
Ephiny narrowed her eyes at the stalwart warrior. "Fine, suit yourself." As she turned her back on the unwanted guest, she whispered to the captain of the watch, loudly enough for Xena to hear, "As long as she's outside of the walls," The captain nodded knowingly. "And if she does try to break through, you know what to do." The captain saluted smartly and returned to her attention at post.
************
Gabrielle and Lydia returned to the village in time to hear all the commotion about a face off on their front door step.
Once they entered the royal chamber, the queen whirled around the room and demanded, "What's going on here?" She watched at her ministers find sudden interests in the tops of their dusty boots. "Out with it! Where's Ephiny? Why are some of the guards not at their posts?"
The minister of defense spoke up, "They are at their post, my Queen. They are, ummm, attending to a crisis." She immediately cringed at the poor choice of words.
"And why haven't I been informed of this...crisis?"
"That's because the crisis is Xena," Ephiny said. Gabrielle turned her head at the sound of her regent's voice as she entered the chamber. "She's outside the gates. She wants to talk to you."
"Good, I want to talk to her." Gabrielle made for the door but Ephiny caught her by the arm. The queen looked down at the offending hand, then straight into her regent's eyes. She silently willed the other woman to let her go.
Ephiny, realizing her impudent action, released her queen, but said, "I don't think it's a good idea for you to do this. Not now any way. You're obviously upset and not thinking straight. Let her stew outside for a while, at least until you know what *you* want."
"I already know what I want. I at least want to hear her out," Gabrielle said almost pleadingly, knowing that in her position she should be ordering her regent to get the hell out of the way.
"Quit making such a pest of yourself, Eph. If the girl wants out, let her go. Sheesh!" All heads whipped around to glare at Lydia. "You warrior types are so full of bluster. She's in luuuv. Can't you see that? You can't stop *the* most powerful force in nature."
"Excuse me?" The regent said with an incredulous look on her face. How dare a lowly guard speak to me like that, she thought darkly. Then she watched in amazement as Lydia's form shimmer into that of the Goddess of Love.
"Ta da! I'm here to the save the day! Oh, come on. Aren't you all glad to see me?" she said brightly. She looked at the startled Amazons assembled around her. "Geez, you gals could use a little romance in your lives."
Her wandering gaze spied an opportunity outside the window. "Yup, those huts over there would make a great bed and breakfast. Oh yeah, I can see it now." She framed the huts in the square of her fingers. "Private claw-footed tubs in every room. Extra-large, of course. Candles. Rose scented candles everywhere. And bottles of fine champagne in their own little buckets of ice. You do have ice, don't you?"
Total silence answered her query. She said emphatically, "I was told Amazons have ice......"
While Aphrodite rattled on and on to the enraptured warrior innkeepers about her plans for the village, Gabrielle snuck out the backdoor. How does she do that, she wondered. She shook her head. Whatever she did, it worked. Who am I to complain about Aphrodite's methods? The queen wound her way to the front gate and tapped the captain of the guard on the shoulder. "You're dismissed."
Part 9: Conclusion
Princess and Queen. Warrior and Bard. The estranged lovers faced each other warily under a moon-filled sky. A long silence fell between them as each waited for the other to speak first. Xena sighed heavily. She watched her breath billow out into the cold, clear air. Strange, she hadn't realized how cool the weather turned before now. Argo waited for her mistress at the edge of the Amazon village. Xena whistled for her. Argo trotted over obediently and stood patiently as Xena dug around the saddlebags and pulled out a warm cloak for Gabrielle. She swung the cloak around the bard until it settled snugly on Gabrielle's shoulders. The bard accepted the gesture without a word. Xena left her own shoulders bare. The crisp air helped her think more clearly and focus her words.
"You left me." Gabrielle's voice shattered the icy silence. She paced angrily in front of the warrior as she pulled her fur-lined cloak more tightly around her shoulders. "Why? What did I do to deserve this from you?"
"It was nothing you did. What I did had nothing to do with you."
The bard whirled on the warrior. "Are you insane? Leaving *me* has everything to do with us! I was happy with you. I thought you were, too." Gabrielle clenched her hands into fists.
Xena, watching her lover's reaction, stood stock still and fully expected a slap in the face. When none came, she started hesitantly, "My heart is divided." She gestured vaguely, trying to write her thoughts in the air. "It's always been so. It's in my nature." Her arms hung limply at her sides.
"That doesn't explain anything!"
"Yes, it does." Xena struggled to keep the defensiveness out of her voice. "You see, when we bonded to each other, I pledged to you my heart." She reached out and placed the other woman's hand over her chest. Gabrielle felt the throbbing warmth under her hand. She felt the strong heart beat even through the leather and the armor.
Gabrielle nodded. "But..."
"But I didn't realize or refused to admit to myself, that I could only give you half of it. The other half is for me only."
"I don't understand. I gave you everything I have to give. All of me. Why can't you do the same?"
Xena pondered how to answer. "It's not in my nature to give everything," she said. "Until I acknowledged the other half of me, I couldn't truly open up the half I gave to you. Do you understand?"
Gabrielle wrinkled her brow in consternation. Finally, it became clear to her that it's not a matter of understanding really, but accepting Xena for who and what she is, if she was to have her at all. "It's becoming clearer," the bard said slowly. "Yes, I think I get it, sort of. Until you understood who you were, you couldn't be yourself with me."
"Exactly," Xena sighed with relief.
"But, how long will you stay with me this time?" Gabrielle's voice was heavy with doubt.
As the warrior pulled her queen into her arms, she felt her lover's warmth flood her chilled body. She whispered, "Now that I am complete, I've made my choice. I will be with you always."
Gabrielle murmurred into Xena's embrace, "I don't know if I'll ever completely understand you, but I'll try. I'll try for both our sakes." Then she opened her cloak and let the warrior back into her heart.
Finis
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