Heaven, Hell, Something In Between by Ellixer

GENERAL COPYRIGHT/DISCLAIMER:

Xena, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the series Xena: Warrior Princess, are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are my property. Please do not use my characters without my consent. NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author.

VIOLENCE WARNING/DISCLAIMER (if there is any)

This story depicts scenes of violence and/or their aftermath. Readers who are disturbed by or sensitive to this type of depiction may wish to read something other than this story.

LOVE/SEX WARNING/DISCLAIMER: (if there is any)

This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live, please do not read it. If depictions of this nature disturb you, you may wish to read something other than this story.

Classic (Alt): Synopsis: After coming back to life, a coming back together.

Heaven, Hell, Something In Between

by Ellixer

ellixerff@gmail.com

It's a dance of awkwardness. We die; fight as demon and archangel; then resurrect and adjust once again as warriors. But adjusting as people and friends is a bit different, especially when we aren't alone. Definitely when I have Joxer staring at me every five seconds like Aphrodite's hit him with a spell.

The closer to Greece we get, the colder the air seems to grow. We walk near each other, but not necessarily next to each other, the space makes the cold seem so much worse. Something between us hasn't been settled yet, I'm not sure what that is.

I tousle my short hair, trying to jostle my thoughts into place. Maybe if Joxer and Amarice weren't here? Maybe I should get her alone, force her to talk to me? You can't force Xena to do anything though. I’ll have to wait till we make camp before I’ll get a chance to really talk to her. Of course that's also when Joxer tends to make his presence more notably known and I'll have to distract him somehow. Speeding my steps up, I move in close to Amarice.

“Hey?!” She looks at me in bewilderment. Clearing my throat, I lean in talking under my breath.

“I need you to do me a favor.” Her eyebrows are still raised but she's curious.

“What?”

“When we make camp, I need you to keep Joxer off my hands for a little while.” Her eyebrows fall, now she just looks annoyed.

“How do you expect me to do that?” She's trying to yank her arm out of my hand, but I hold firm.

“Look Amarice, I need some time to talk with Xena, and I can't do that with Joxer following me around.” It's as if a sudden realization hits her and she looks somewhat ashamed.

“Oh, uh, yeah. I'll figure something out.” Amarice nods her head at me, suddenly serious. Giving her a smile, I pat her arm before falling back to my place by Xena.

The rest of the day passes as all others have lately. A few words, a few laughs, but nothing of substance, nothing that feels natural. I'm getting anxious, trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to say to Xena because I really don't know yet.

When we finally stop to make camp, Xena and I set up two separate fires. Amarice makes good on her word, directing Joxer to help her gather more wood.

“Can we talk?” Xena tries to act like she's more interested in going through her saddle bag.

“Don't you want to eat?” Her eyes are scanning the ground for tracks as she heads into the trees.

“Xena, please?” I'm tired of the way things are stuck. How can we know we will be together for eternity but have such a hard time connecting right now? She sighs, shoulders dropping, but still she doesn't turn to face me. '”Xena.” I reach out, my fingertips barely brush across her shoulder.

'When we fought in heaven, my only thought was of being with you again.' Xena says quietly.

“I felt the same.” Of course I felt the same way. My hand drops to my side, fingers curling up. I'm suddenly wondering what I've done wrong. Xena finally turns, eye's full of hurt but no tears to wash it away.

“I saved you but you were going to kill me.” Why had that never crossed my mind? “You never belonged there of course. If they hadn't let me become an Archangel I would have jumped.” As if an afterthought. “I did jump.”

“What do you mean you jumped?” I want to move closer but I can sense she doesn't want that yet. Xena looks at me intensely.

“I wasn't going to leave you there by yourself.” There's a hint of anger in her words. I rake my fingers roughly through my hair. So it's me and I never even realized it. “I don't blame you.” She says again, her voice soft once more as she takes a step towards me. But I don't believe her now. “You did what you had to do.”

“I'm….I'm so sorry.” I manage to look up at her, but it's hard to accept the pain that I've caused. She shakes her head at me.

“I don't blame you.” She repeats, moving up so she's nearly against me. “I would never have wanted that.” I reach my hand up to touch her face but she shakes it away.

“You feel betrayed.” Xena looks away but says nothing. That's an answer in itself. “Xena?” What can I possibly say or do?

“Don't worry about it, it’s crazy I know.” She turns back to me, trying to act as if nothing has happened.

“No Xena, I mean it, I'm sorry.” I had no choice, she was too strong. I struggle with myself for a second before finally grasping her arms. We lock eyes, having a silent conversation that's somehow conveying things we can't seem to speak. Letting go we break apart, walking towards the small river and standing on its bank. The birds are still singing and warbling in the tree's, keeping the forest alive with noise.

“How about fish?” Xena asks after a while. The sun is beginning to go down and I don't think the others would be too happy if we got back without something to eat. I nod as she wades out into the water and within minutes she's gotten more than enough fish for all of us.

I can't seem to find the right words, the ones that will make everything alright again. As we walk back to camp, she's trying to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about; but if that were true then there wouldn't have been a gap between us this whole time.

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Everyone talks around me as we sit at the campfire picking at our fish. It’s a din of noise that I just don’t feel a part of. I'm stuck in my own brain, locked in a battle with myself. Amarice tries to bring me into the discussion, but I can’t seem to focus. I need to get away from everyone, sort out my thoughts and figure out how I'm going to fix this; because I am. Why is it that the one thing I always seem to do is to betray her, the one thing that hurts her most. Dropping my plate I walk away from everyone without saying a word. I hear Joxer calling out to me, but I'm in no mood to be nice to him right now. My feet are moving but I'm not really paying attention to where they are taking me. I just walk until I can't seem to walk anymore. The night is clear but the stars don’t shine through the canopy of trees. I stand, hugging myself to keep whatever warmth I have in.

“You know sulking doesn't help.”

"I'm not sulking.”

“What would you call it?” Xena stands behind me, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders.

“Contemplation.” Her hand comes to rest on my arm.

“I told you, I never expected you to do anything but what was necessary.”

“But you hurt.”

“I don't know what it is I feel.” Xena pulls me back against her body, arms wrapping around me. “There have been a lot of feelings and I can't decide what to do with them all.” I think I know what she's talking about. That moment when I was cleansed and became an archangel I suddenly knew and felt things I would never have known otherwise. That's how I knew we would be together for eternity, no matter what. That's why I didn't join her in hell. Something told me that no matter what, we would be together.

“Xena, I knew we would be together.” Her chin comes to rest on my shoulder.

“I know, I felt it too.” What is it that she doesn't want to say? “They showed me all the possibilities, for me and for you. The good and the bad and…” Xena’s voice has gone to a whisper, as her arms hold me tighter. I know how to play the game of possibilities and what ifs. It's too easy to get lost in that labyrinth.

“Why are you going to let it torture you? Why are you going to let it torture me?” I turn into Xena, looking into her eyes. “You're trying to push a wedge between us.” I grab her hands in mine as she sighs.

“I just don't want to be the one that takes you down the wrong path.” Xena’s eyes contain such depth, a pool of compassion that I can get lost in.

“Isn't it too late for that?” I've died how many times? Xena doesn’t find comfort in this. “Come on Xena, I have a right to make my own decisions. If I choose to let you be my downfall then so be it.” I smile. “And what exactly did you say to Joxer to make him tell me that?” Now she smiles.

“Wasn't me.”

“Somehow I don't believe that.” I lean into her, my head falling against her chest. We huddle together in silence, keeping each other warm in the consuming darkness. The night isn't really silent, not with singing bugs and calling predators. The movement never really seems to stop, there's always something.

“I need you to drop the wall.” I say as I pull away from her slightly, watching as she looks at me confused. “That wall you put up. It's still there.” Recognition flashes across her face briefly. “Please?” Slowly, Xena sucks in a lungful of air before letting it out in a long sigh. “Xena, please.” My hand moves slowly towards her cheek where my fingers touch it lightly. This time she doesn’t flinch away. Her eyes reflect everything that I've been feeling since we got back; like someone is repeatedly stabbing me in the chest.

There are no words to describe what it's like to experience heaven and hell; and to be an archangel, the most pure form of angel. The things I felt didn't go away when Eli brought us back. It made a small part of me sad, a deep loss that I only continue to feel with Xena’s distance.The love I now feel for her is even deeper than before, unlike anything anyone has ever described. So even if she were to hurt me a million times over, I could never leave her. Xena looks scared, something I've never really seen; but more than that she's scared of me. I bring my other hand up, clasping the other side of her face and bringing her forehead down to mine. Our eyes close as I try to push a sense of serenity from my body into hers.

“I'm supposed to be the strong one.” Her voice is near silent.

“You know it's the strongest who ask for help.” She scoffs at me.

“I hate when you use my words against me.” I caress her cheek and laugh.

“Xena, you're not a warlord anymore. You're not a conqueror or killer. You are so much more than your past.” We separate, looking into each other's eyes.

“I'm only who I am now, because of you.” She says this so much, yet never gives credit to herself.

“I may have helped, but it wasn't just me, or Hercules for that matter.” Xena doesn't seem to realize that she’ll never outrun her past. But for the moment I refuse to argue with her about it. I won't give her a reason to push me away.

“Gabrielle..” Xena begins, but I stop her before she can go anywhere.

“You know it still hurts.” I play with the palm of my hand where the nail was driven. I can't forget that pain, no matter how much I want to. Xena brings my palm to her lips, kissing it as if that will make it all go away.

“Come on, let’s go get warm.” I follow Xena back to our fire, which has dwindled to nearly nothing. She builds it up higher, as I lay the bedroll out. We lie down, my body clinging to hers as she piles the furs on top of us. I take comfort in the familiarity of this little act that can so easily be taken for granted. She smells the same as always; a combination of leather, sweat, soap, and horse. For some reason I like it, it seems uniquely Xena.

She has her breastplate and weapons off, lying down just next to her; ready for a fight should one come. I can feel what she's thinking. Her body is still tense despite the calm demeanor she is exuding. My fingers dance on the back of her hand she has resting on her stomach.

“I love you.” That should explain everything. I shouldn't have to speak any more words beyond those three, that should be it.

“I know.” An answer that says what? Confusion? Uncertainty? “Gabrielle..” I lean up and kiss her, effectively telling her to shut up. It instantly turns into more than just a kiss as she pulls my body to hers and her tongue thrusts its way inside my mouth. This is the first time we've actually kissed since Eli brought us back. I didn't realize how much I really needed this simple act. Our desire turns frenzied as we feel all those things we used to have but seem to have forgotten in the last few days. Tears sting at my eyes, but I'm not sure why. I guess it's all the emotions I haven't been able to process yet. Pushing my body against her, I deepen the kiss till neither of us can breathe anymore.

We pull away gasping after an eternity. My head falls to her shoulder as I renew my grasp on her body. Now is not the time or place to find each other in that way. I still feel the desperation though, clawing its way through my bones.

“I love you too.” She finally says, not that I needed her to say anything. The tension begins to release as she relaxes under me. I wonder what other things she saw in heaven and hell. Or maybe that's not it at all, maybe it's something else I'm not getting.

“Will there ever be a time of peace?” I ask.

“No. Even if there were no more God's, man would fight for the sake of fighting. That's why people like us will always be needed.” But really, I’m asking if there will be peace for us.

Chapter 2

The sun filters through the trees leaving patterns of light and dark sprinkled along the road. I pull my duster tight around me, trying to keep out the cold. Joxer is waving his sword about as he sings his song, trying to come up with phrases that sound more heroic and warrior like. I think Amarice will kill him soon; she doesn’t have the years of experience in tuning him out. Her frustration is obvious, and we may have a very dead Joxer on our hands soon.

“Hey Joxer?” He stops, looking back at me in surprise before running up to me.

“Yeah?” His eyes are wide and he has such a hopeful look on his face.

“Why don't you go scout ahead for us? We need a place to stop.” I grab his shoulder and he stops breathing with the contact. Joxer finally manages to shake his head frantically, babbling as he takes off down the road. Amarice sighs loudly in relief and Xena chuckles next to me.

“I'm not sure I can stop myself from stabbing him.” Amarice grumbles, walking up ahead of us. The trees rattle in the wind and leaves skip across the dry ground. So many things to miss about living and yet so many things I'd be glad to forget.

“It will be nice to go home for a while.” While the silence between us is comfortable I still feel a need to fill it.

“Yeah.” Xena nods, eyes constantly scanning our surroundings. Grasping her bicep lightly, I force her to stop and look at me.

“Are you ok?” Xena’s brow creases slightly as she contemplates her response.

“I'm just not feeling good. It will go away.” She smiles somewhat fakely, then turns to move again but I grasp her arm tighter.

“Xena?” She smiles at me again, leaning in a little closer.

“I'm fine.” I reach up, brushing her cheek with my fingertips. She twitches at first, before easing into the touch as a soft smile graces her lips. I want to kiss her, but I don't think she'd let me. It's fine to show affection, but for others to see it would expose a weakness that she doesn’t like showing. As my hand begins to drop from her cheek, she grabs it between hers, pulling me a little closer. Xena’s lips meet mine briefly, just a tease of a kiss, but it tingles through my body all the same.

“You must be sick.” I give her a grin as she drops my hand and returns to business as usual.

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Wrapping a fur blanket securely around me, I stare up at the stars. Sometimes I think on cold nights that I can see them even clearer. They sparkle and dance like ice crystals scattered about the ground. Everyone is asleep and snoring, even Xena. She's been getting up later and later; I'm beginning to worry that something is wrong. She of course just brushes me off. A hand snakes up under my fur, sliding along my leg bringing my attention back down to crystalline blue eyes peering up at me.

“You're shaking.” She whispers softly.

“I'm cold.” Xena’s hand leaves my leg, sliding back under her own blanket before lifting it up, offering it's warmth to me. I throw my fur over hers as I lie down, my back to her front, scooting securely into her warm embrace. Xena’s arms pull me tight against her body as I feel the heat of her breath on my neck. I'm so at ease when I'm in her arms, so comfortable. I find it easy to lose myself in her embrace alone.

Warm, wet lips pepper the back of my neck with kisses. The lightness of them tickles my skin. As her fingers begin to roam across my body; I can feel the desire wafting off her. Grabbing her hands with mine, I force them to stop their unabashed exploration. The kisses however don't stop; they merely turn into something much more sensual, nearly breaking my resolve.

“I miss touching you.” Her lips are moist and sultry against my ear. This time the shivers are not caused by the cold, but by the lust dripping from her. Xena is making this very hard for me, and I'm pretty sure she's meant to be the strong one.

“Not here.” I somehow manage to get out between gritted teeth.

“Now.” She starts sucking on the skin just under my ear.

“Not here.” I'm not going to be able to protest for much longer. Xena refuses to stop the assault on my neck. Her hands break easily from my grasp as she ignores my protests, letting them roam over every sensitive spot she can reach. Suddenly I’m very grateful that we set up a separate campfire from the others. The connection I feel with her is becoming stronger by the second. A tumult of emotions surge in me as I grow desperate for her touch. Xena’s fingers make a slow journey down my hip, my skin tingling in their wake.

“Do you feel it?” Xena whispers against my neck.

“Yes.” The cord that joins us, pulls us inexorably together time and again. Her very touch washes me in warmth and I can feel the bonds of hearts slowly connecting. The world drifts away as we mend these last few torn threads of our lives.

“You are my soul Gabrielle.” My chest feels so heavy with her words. I turn to face the one woman I shall love until the end of time. Her face is awash with conflicting emotions that, I no doubt, reflect back to her. Crushing my lips to hers, I feel an intensity that is overwhelming my senses. Pain chokes me as I try to breathe new life into us. In this moment I need to express just how much she means to me. .

The kiss turns ravenous, desperation clouding all further thought. I grasp at her hair and neck, pulling her as close as humanly possible. Yet still, this is not close enough for me. While we kiss with reckless abandon; our hands are crawling across skin and clothes just to feel the life beneath. We peel away the layers till there's nothing between us, not even the slightest whisper of air. My hands sweep across her, eliciting memories of the last time I was able to touch her like this. Her name drifts in and out with each breath I take, my fingers digging into her back as her lips travel along my body.

Xena rolls lifting herself above me, her hair falling down, encapsulating us in its darkness. Slowly her mouth falls to mine with a softness I can’t describe. Tears threaten to spill, as the sweetness of her actions unfold. I could live forever in this moment and never grow tired. But now is not the time for the gentleness I usually desire. The flame inside of me is growing out of control, and I feel I might die.

Pulling Xena down against me, I kiss her with such hunger you’d think I’d never be full. My tongue sweeps into her mouth, tasting the freedom of our love. A hand slides down my stomach, reaching between my legs. Fingers push into me, causing my body to tremble, as electricity burns through my body. Her name catches in my throat. In the vastness of this night, life around us disappears.

A thin sheen of sweat has already covered our bodies, creating a slickness as our skin rubs. My legs wrap around her waist, I need to have her closer. Xena's tongue is exploring every inch of skin she can manage to reach. The pace she sets is fast and hard, my body responding quickly as I rock against her. She's gasping in my ear, grunts and groans accompany every thrust.

My lungs stop working, my vision darkens, my body becomes stiff as this explosion of energy races through every fiber of muscle. Tears come hard and fast because the emotions are so overwhelming. The fact that we are here, alive and touching each other again. This is not something I have ever taken for granted. Before she can stop me, my lips latch onto hers, my hand sliding between her legs. The warmth surrounding my fingers as they slide in is so intoxicating I might die from the sensation. Xena pushes down against them, nearly riding my fingers. I suck on the skin of her breast, marking her with a reminder of this moment. Biting on her bottom lip, a look of pure ecstasy blossoms on her face. If only I can be a part of her. To feel the warmth and the strength forever.

Muscles strain as her body grows taut. Xena gasps into my mouth as I try to kiss her through the waves of the orgasm that rips through her. She falls, collapsing atop me as her arms fail to hold her up any longer. We melt into each other's arms, secure in the fact that we are connected once more.

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